Monday, December 31, 2018

Happy New Year!!!! Changes to my Blog for 2019 update

Hello World.

I have added a Blog Timeline as a Tab!!!! See above. Should make random skimming through my blog easier.

I will be reworking/adding to my blog to make it better/easier and my supportive/useful. New Links, Maybe restructuring layout.

I will be resetting my blog count in the opposite direction, which means for 2019 I will start with the actual full count or correct # day for my blog. But to explain myself, I have over the recent years, stopped adding the Day of my blog, and had then restarted the count to 1. The reasons I gave was that I was walking a new cycle, a new phase of my life. And indeed the blogs in those counts were unique/different as a whole set. Anyway, now I am choosing to be more STRUCTURED, and promise to STICK to the Structure, of the days. To not fuck around and to ENJOY the structure. Only with this promise will I allow myself to do this new venture, of sticking to the actual count of the day.

It's a point of Integrity. I can't fuck around with the day count or stop once I start it. I want it to stay on path like this forever.

I will be exploring other ways and I am open to ideas to improve my blog to make it more user friendly, navigateable and usable. So Please Share!!!!

That's All Folks!!!

Day 89 Why Do I wake up Everyday? Second TAKE

So I have been looking at this question about why I wake up everyday. I am looking at the dimension of How I have Woke up in the Past, and Why and for what I woke up for in the Past. I am also looking at the dimension of Redefinition and what I would genuinely like to love, would love to live, what would serve me the best!!!!!!!

So let's get started!!!!!

I listened to this eqafe interview on Mood Swings, and it help focus in on how I can wake up in a MOOD and how that can affect my day.

And helping me remember that it all comes down to a choice. You are faced with a mood, and you don't want to do the dishes, and you decide to do it anyway, as yourself, as your body, with your presence, and you transform the moment of a bad mood to a simply physical doing that is calm, natural, good-feeling like in a very normal way. Like a very natural like doing. At the same time in the beginning you may have to really fight the energy, in the sense that its like intense, and you can't let it WIN!!!!! So you need to breath and do it, and make it so, being calm and direct within that, while feeling the storm raging around you, swirling around you literally, while you keep doing self-forgiveness and breathing. That is when the energy has been built up for so long and too much. Otherwise its not so bad really, quite simple and direct. 

 So that is that dimension.

Another dimension is points I can draw from my Past moments and Past context. When I was in my dorm at university, I would wake up with that dread and NEED to go to class and get ready for the day. Need to perform well, need to be there, with that fear in the back of my mind of missing class and not bringing my homework, or having a test that day without knowing it, without having studied for it etc... As a child I had these nightmares, I was both traumatized and motivated by the Fear to Do WELL as a student. Its odd by true. Its also not the healthiest and best way.

When I asked my Father one time, why he gets up in the morning, he said because of his Credit Card Debt. and he was sincere and direct. It does motivate, and its similar to how I was in school, the FEAR of having that there, the burden of it, yet waking up to meet it. Again its not the healthiest thing, BUT its defintely better than just laying in bed powerless and worrying about it, isn't it?

I still haven't completely transcended my own fears in schooling, as I had the other month that same nightmare of being in school and not knowing where to go or what to do. I have been out of school since 2013 and I did exit still with this fear. And I will be going back in the next years and so it has been reactivating that part of my mind which I haven't fully walked or transcended YET.

So that has been my traditional past and reasons for why I would wake up.

Looking at the Redefinition Process now.

So I wrote this the other day in the Fashion of that Expression that I can live at Times: 

I live to socialize, I guess that's it.

That's gives me meaning and purpose and fucking makes me want JUMP OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING!!!!!!!!!!!!'

To FUCKING CELEBRATE. To run towards that.

The speaking and sharing in the moment, the listening. The understanding and depth that has no end.

Not once have I ever reached a point of deepness with a person where it was like, YOU KNOW, I HAVE SEEN THE VERY BOTTOM DEPTHS OF YOU, so I have seen you all, and there is NOTHING more to SEE Deeper into you...

Not once.
Not once.
Not once, after going deep was there ever a bottom. Not once.

So it is always there as far as I know. There is always more to explore, more to know, more depth to go with a person. As far as I know.

If I ever find a bottom of a person I will let you know first!!!!!!


 I would very much like to live this way everyday. Remembering the great things I lived and learned from close relationships with people, especially the deepest ONESSS and then knowing I can create that and have that again with people today or tomorrow!!! Which today or tomorrow may depend if my day may be chock full of responsibilities, and I may try to reach people that day, either in daily life in the flesh or daily life Online or through the phone, and it may not work out for THAT DAY. But there is always tomorrow. And the next and the next day. So its like I have infinite possibilities and chances!!!! And remember this is something I WANT to run towards, So I do always want it today/now, so its more having the patience of waiting for it, when it can't happen NOW or even today.

Another way to look at it if my redefinition doesn't make sense to you. Its about looking at the things that ADD to my life that I do want, and IS best for me and for others involved. So its about being honest that these things are fucking great and good things, that make me feel fulfilled and makes me a better person, and helps me see more of me. And the same happens for others I live this with. So of course I would make that the reason why I wake up everyday and THEN all the other things I have to do I do it because I want to create/live this other point, which may not even happen that day per se.

Something great about relationships with people is that it is something you can't or don't fully control. Having that dynamic, not having that full control, is what makes it so great too! Because its a fucking other person you are dealing with. With all the complexity and depth that comes with you as well, and here is another person with that, cause they are a person!

I hope that this enlightened you.

Oh wait I almost forgot!!!! When I was a child of 5 years I was very talkative and social with all of my family members, which we had a semi-big family living all under one roof: cousins, aunts, grandparents.... So, but then I stopped. I was intimidated by school, by walking into an unfamiliar place, not feeling comfortable, confident because this WAS NOT my space, this was NOT MY WORLD, this did NOT BELONG TO ME.

So I have been walking a process of walking into my World. This is my world. And this is ME, in my world. I have my good stuff and bad stuff. Hello. So maybe who I am naturally is someone so SOCIAL, and wanting to socialize all the time. Because that is how I was as a child, and I will get more and more access to that, the more I walk into MY WORLD. Maybe we are all like this! This level of social, which can be seen in childhood.

Friday, December 28, 2018

Day 88 Why I wake up everyday

So why do I wake up everyday? What am I living for?

So there are many things that I live for, things that I want happen, and things I want to live.

There are people that I want to meet, and to meet again. There are people that I want to know. I want to establish ties with people, connect with them. I live for meeting specific people again one day, and I live for developing and Deepening my preexisting relationship however way I can. I live for getting to know the depths of people. So I live for that human connection, that animal connection, that connection with nature. I want to see people succeed and do well.

I live for the moments with people where we are all relaxed and open and just being ourselves and having fun. I live for those moments with people. I seek to create those moments where possible, but at the same time I only have so much say. So it very much depends on the people.

Practically in my everyday life, I am seeking to earn lots more money so I can be able to bring people together, make things happen, create things that will steer us to where we need to go.

For me it is difficult in daily life where its not possible to have such deep relations or such moments with people due to where the people in my daily life is at in their self/process, as compared to people I know are out there, that I have met, who are there. So in some ways I am living/working towards a future moment, future reality where I can make that more possible, not just for myself but others. 

In daily life what I can do is to connect with such people online, through the phone, which isn't as good as being in person, but its better than not at all.

I live for those real moments with people, those moments of intimacy. Those moments I can't completely control/create alone because it takes TWO people, me and someone else.And that makes it so special. And it makes it worth it even after all those moments of being shutdown, of facing rejection, of being told NO. It makes it worth it. Its something to FIGHT for. And wait for, when you have to wait.

It does hurt and it is difficult being alive sometimes, actually fairly often, because I am alone in the system, I am alone in everyday life, when I wake up. I am more alone in the sense of being surrounded by people in daily life where because of where people are in their process, I can't be me completely and expressly completely as me. It's work, I have to be someone, be how I am for others. But being able to be me, just me, expressively, without doing it for work, its great, its fulfilling.

So yeah its fucking hard and it fucking hurts. But I have to fight for a better future for me and for others. I want that for me.

And yeah, contacting people putting myself out there is difficult as fuck. But I have to do it, its the only way. 

Because also through people, through the connections we make, we make like a grid, a framework that things can be built upon and created from, which will serve a role in the greater process we are walking.

Life isn't meant to be easy. But its worth it.

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Day 87 Walking Through Past Moments in Real Time

So reality brought before me moments with people that are from my past, and so recreating the dynamic of relationships and moments from my past in front of me. So here I am literally facing my past again. Within me and as me I reacted, I reacted in the same way I have reacted before in the past.

My reaction so to feel stressed, depressed, misplaced, anxiety, unsettled. Within seeing this, that I what I am facing is literally my past in this moment, then what I have to do is walk this moment HERE, the only moment that is here, as the Me that I am now, that I direct here and now. The past is gone, even though people are here recreating the moments and living it as themselves, they are NOT me and I am not bound by the past, or by past rules, or by how I should be because that is how I used to be in relation to them. I can create here, how I am, who I am, in the moment, without Shame, without Guilt, with Peer pressure. I stand as the new me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to and respond to a trigger in the same way as I have done in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt and shame for not CONTINUING my role in the Past Relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not move on from the past relationship dynamics and be here as me, fresh in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to be positive, friendly, smiling and happy, instead of allowing myself to be me and respond as me according to what is here in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue within my past role as the victim as the sufferer, as the one that is annoyed, and having a bad time, instead of simply being me and being here, not with any preconditions or beliefs or ideas on how I should be.

I move on from the past now, i am here now. The past is gone. I create my new relationships here in this moment, through participation in this moment. Everything from my past relationships is gone, the history is gone, what matters is what I create with people here and live here.

I am not bound or held to honor the past, what is here is people, real people, and I live and I interact with people that are here now, not with the past memories or past moments.

I Live my proud differences, my proud development where I have changed and I am not who I once was before. I am not bound by the past, to be and live what I once did. There is no honor or value in reliving the past and just staying the same. The fake intimacy and closeness that I feel is simply familiarity or what feels normal, as what I have been calling normal and living as my normal. Normal is a definition that I redefine. Normal is what I create and live. And the good feeling of familiarity is untrustworthy and not something to base who I am and how I become in the moment. I let it go.

I am me, I am here. I create my life HERE, the only place I can, and in the only moment I can.

I am not a victim no more, I am not a slave no more. I am not a sufferer no more. I better my life, I take responsibility for my life and my experience, and I choose to give myself the best life possible within the principle of what's best for all, which simply means I am including everyone as the principle of Life itself as what is Truly best For Each one, even if they may not like it or may resist me.

No more victimization, I am here now, I live me.

~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here is a Break Line in my blog because I wrote all of this above last night without publishing, and now this morning I have walked some more relevant points so I will just add to it here.

So what I did was bring all the trauma here and all the people who have spoken within anger and possession to me, which is something I reacted to within me. I started walking in my living room to the hallway and back and practicing walking into MY WORLD, showing that this is me, here I am, my strengths and my weaknesses, my good and bad, this is me.   And I imagined everyone who has yelled at me, said nasty things to me, insulted me, said such things "you don't know what you are doing"  are following me as I walk and are circling me as I walk in the room. I imagine they are all here, all the people.  And what I do is self-forgiveness and forgiveness.

I forgive them for not knowing any better. What they are doing is unnacceptable, should stop, but I forgive them for the fact that they are doing it, doing something they shouldn't be doing, and if they knew it and knew how to stop it, they would, but they are in a possession and they can't stop, so I forgive them, I understand them.  

That was my first step.  My second step is walking into MY WORLD. So I am walking, with my shoulders back, my chest out to the world, and I walk as if this is My world. So comparing and contrasting this to not my world, which is how I have been feeling and existing, where I see and say that this is not my house, this is not my building, not my place, this belongs to someone else, this is not mine, I am a guest here, I am not the authority here.  So walking into My World, is saying that this world is mine, in an absolute sense of this planet earth is mine, and everything and everywhere on it is mine, as it is my responsibility and belongs to me equally. So here I am in my world, and I express me. The same with how this is My Body, which is the Third Point I did naturally and immediately. This is MY BODY, and these reactions within me are not allowed here in my body. This is My Body, and this is My World. I am the authority here. And I found something curious, as I lived the point, and walked out of the reactions FOR THE MOMENT (cause I notice they came back later), that for the moment my mom asked me something I spoke in a deep voice very naturally and automatically without any effort, a kind of comfortable speech, I didn't have to pay attention or force it. And so there is where I saw my potential of how I can be and become, if I live everywhere in every context as me walking in my world, and presenting and speaking as Me, and HERE I AM, speaking.

In addition to the above forgiveness on the people who were in reaction and possession, I also forgave myself for not knowing any better, cause I was also innocent. I blamed myself, and I allowed myself to be in reaction, and I also blamed them. I didn't know any better at the time. And now with understanding I release these reactions from my body as me. I release the trauma, the physical anxiety, the way I move in reaction to hearing such things, and seeing such people again. And I prepare myself to walk in my world as me. Where this is me speaking, here, hello, I am comfortable within myself, I am comfortable within my world. Hello nice to meet you. I am here.

So with this groundwork, I can apply this application in my daily life, in new context, in environments where I have been in before, to essentially recreate the memories, or the past, Redo them, Recreate myself, in the moment here, start over. Where I KNOW I will react and in those moments I recreate myself. I will live me, and walk into my world, within MY Body, and as it.

So we will see how it goes and what more I can learn!

Monday, December 24, 2018

Day 86 Source of my Courageousness

So I have been called Courageous one too many times to ignore it. So here I am going to dissect it from a real time moment.

So looking at this moment I am within here. I am courageous in just speaking/doing because I am willing to walk a point ALONE. I am willing to speak up and say something because if I am ALONE within it I am okay. So that means if everyone turns their back on me, and I mean literally everyone, I will be okay and stand the point.

Now the most dangerous point within this, is the fine line where you don't go into Ego, and don't cut yourself out from other people's support. So the basic SOLUTION to prevent this danger is to always listen to others and test out what they say. And trust in that testing process. And here is another danger, whether your testing out is a REAL testing out.

So the danger is whether you fake test things out or don't have that rigor and self-honesty to really test out the truth/reality of things. So developing that habit/discipline of testing things out, as well as the self-honesty to test things out for the truth.

So the source of self-honesty for me, is simply something simple, I look here in my heart, in the moment of simply be alone with me, and I ask myself and I answer myself whether I commit myself to what's best for all, no matter what. And I say yes. So even if I get embarrassed, or shot, or I am poor or rich, or whatever...

So within all of this is the DRIVE and COMMITMENT to walk my process, to no matter how things are that I work on me, on thoughts, emotions and feelings, on my expression.

Now, I have been told that I am perceived as someone comfortable being ALONE.
So, the basic truth is NO I don't want to be alone, and I don't want people to leave me, or turn their backs on me. I want them to join me and be surrounded by people. I want that. Its just that I know that I accepting a lesser version of what is best for the sake of not being alone is not acceptable. I just place the process and what is best for all first. Because I care about people, I care about the people who I want to be surrounded with.

And I suppose looking at past moments where I was Courageous, in some moments its like I say FUCK IT, because something really great/supportive can come from saying something and the ONLY way to find out is to SAY SOMETHING. I may fuck up, and I have fucked up where I was in reaction, and I thought I had checked myself well... well guess what then I just learned something new!!!!!!!!  I learned i was wrong, I learned that I wasn't fully aware of all dimensions of myself, and I am learning this NEW reaction that I was in, and I am learning the correction and a better way to approach it next time. I am always learning!!!!! So that's another thing I am committed to my process which means being committed to learning!!!!!

One of the moments I have faced repeatedly, is the point of speaking up and risking LOSING a friend or losing someone in my life. In such moments, I made the statement that if I lose someone because of something I did that was preventable, well then I will learn from it, learn from my mistake so that NEXT time that I have such a similar opportunity, I will do better and be better. So I don't hold onto one person or one result, and I always hold onto my development and process of being better.

Only those willing to LOSE can GAIN.

I have had plenty of moments where I needed to recuperate or recover from something. Though with that moments of rest, I do make sure to learn from how I fucked up. Its not always easy, definitely not. And I have forgotten in moments why I'm doing what I am doing, but then I find myself back to the point of process. I remember it. I never completely forsake process or intentionally quit. Never. I am tempted with reactions, I do feel things, but then I work on them with the tools.

So now you know my secret to being Brave. Something like
1. Being committed to Process
2. Use the tools and prove to yourself, to your standards that they work, and you can change.
3. Be willing to fuck up and BE WITHIN reactions, and then walk out of them from there
4. Face your fears, your weakness, the most challenging moments within you, and STAND STAND STAND

Perhaps another way to look at my courageousness is how I made it so I have nothing to lose. Because I lose my fears, I lose my attachments to individual opinions, I lose my ego of needing to be right or look good in front of others, I lose my image/persona.   I mean what else do I got to lose?

Saturday, December 22, 2018

Day 85 Patience


Many people would call me a patient guy. Well, I am patient in some ways and in some moments and with some people. But in other moments, with other people, in other ways I am not patient. So this blog I am writing to assist and support me to be more patient with a certain someone, in a certain situation/context, and in a certain way.

So for my situation/context I am facing, I see I can be more patient through yes understanding the person's situation they are in. Understanding does help. However its not enough in this case. For me, even with understanding their situation that they are in, I still am impatient. I still want things to be done faster and happen faster. I want things to move faster. In reality, they cannot. I definitely require patience. This is really out of my hands and out of my control.

In addition to this, I am in the state/position of the unknown. I don't know what will happen or how things will turn out and I have no way of making it known or happen faster. The only thing I can do is continue with my life and with my goals, making sure I stick to them. So I am powerless in that sense, but then again not really. Because if I continue on my path and continue on my life then I will KNOW, eventually 100% certainty. It DEFINITELY will not remain a mystery, I am 1000% certain of that. So I just require Patience.

I really do feel the kind of restlessness of a  5 year old child or whatever age you want to pick. I want to claw at the walls, be agitated in my chair, not sit still. I want to be there in the future. I want things to move faster. But they can't. They won't. Just like a flower or a tree that grows. It won't grow any faster than at its own pace. You can be with it for moments throughout time and be consistent and support it. And yes that is something I can do with this person, in this context, in this way. So PATIENCE. and Consistency. I think that may be the secret word for me to live, in order to access Patience: .... Consistency. Just small consistent actions throughout time. Small consistent support to this person. Being supportive. So Patience and Consistent Support, Consistent Attention, Consistent Presence.

I suppose the word Patience can be miscontrued with something akin to Meditation, where you just sit there on your ass all day and just take it. Just take whatever live brings to you, which can be shit, like being passive instead of proactive. Patience can be misunderstood then. However, in being proactive and in what you can do to assist and support those around you and your very self, then that is a more Real Practical Approach to living Patience. That makes sense.

I already feel a lot better, cause I know now what I can do, and what I have to do. I understand better now my situation, and how I can approach it better. I will test it out and see. Patience as Consistent Action/Support for others, when I am impatient with others in a situation, as well as consistent support to myself, equally so. Things will happen, things will develop, Life will reveal itself, what is unknown will be known and come to fruition.

Friday, December 21, 2018

Day 84 The Image and the FACE of a Person

So, having met some Destonians that I have known for like 9 years for some, that its like HOLY SHIT. I don't know them. Like really KNOW them. And that's how it is. Now one VERY specific and PARTICULAR point that I am going to zero in on is the image and face of a person.

Now, using one person as an example, if I look at photos of their face on facebook, all of my judgment and preconceptions on WHO that person is based on how they look, how they smile, their facial structure, their eyes, EVERYTHING, is just completely and FLAT OUT WRONG. I am wrong in my assessment of who they are, based on image. So obviously the question is why then do we do this? Why do I do this?

Because that goes to show you CANNOT trust the image at all to tell you who the person is. You cannot. Its not trustworthy. And that is Interesting isn't it? I mean really look at it. Because we are all the time judging based on what we see. All the time. We do it so often and so regularly that we forget about it. We can't see that all we ever see of a person is our own judgment of that person. That's it. Nothing else. We get used to it. It gets easy. It becomes the only way to live.

But fuck man its just plain WRONG. Its bad information.

I mean sitting down with a person, and just being in their presence, speaking to them. That is how you get to know a person. Until then, all that you see online, or in images, its not real. Its not them. It's like imagine if you are blind. So obviously you can't see. But if you sit with a person, hear their voice, interact with them in daily life, like how they live, how they do things, how they take care of responsibilities, their attention to details, how aware they are of others, how aware and considerate they are of you and of the environment, that says A LOT.

That is why at Desteni what is emphasized is your LIVING, who you are in the little moments, who you are in EVERYTHING that you do, how you live, how you consider others, everything that you take into your awareness as you do things in EVERY MOMENT. That is what counts. That is what is notice, that is what has an impact on those around you. And then when you speak and introspect, that level of awareness of simply being here and seeing direct is reflected in how you speak, what you say, and your level of perception in the moment of a conversation with a person.

It all matters, Everything you DO is interconnected with everything else you do, including Process, including self-change, including Expressions of all sorts, and colors, and movements.

That is also why anyone can walk process, even if you are working most of your day trying to support your family. Because its about living the tools in your everyday moment. We all equally have just this one moment, what is right here in real time.


Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Day 83 Friendship Dumpster

A moment where I had a chat scheduled and it didn't go according to plan and expectations. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of Guarantee

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of Scheduled

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of Planned.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of Expectations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of Security as a Feeling I get from having things planned and scheduled.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live Security as having this plans and living in a planned life, instead of Security as always being Secure within myself WITHIN this moment, which may be unplanned, unstructured, unsettled, unstable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living Spontaneity and in the Unknown.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relish within Structure and KNOWING everything that is going to happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to Losing my Structure, and my plans and my expectations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be blinded by what I want the Future to Be, that I don't see what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss out on the opportunities that are here, because I'm searching for what I think I want in my mind.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be rigid, hard and inflexible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame people who break plans and commitments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold resentment and hold it against people who break plans and promises 'to' me.

So if you have something to Say then just Fucking Say it.

Don't restrict yourself or limit yourself unnecessarily. Don't live in a box.

Just fucking live and express and see what happens.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss out on the joy, zest and flavor of life through wanting structure relationships and friendships that I can rely on. The idea of having that ONE friend that I rely on. Like in a movie or Tv series.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and create a someone as a structure relationship and structured communication that gives me stability and sanity, and essentially an outlet to dump all my crap on, just like fucking tv show or movie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a friend that is a dumpster.

Like its HEY here's my crap, I don't want it, but you can have it. Your welcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the Past Ideas of what a Friendship is like and what it should be, and what I should do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live out my Past idea of Friendship.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel awkward and stupid for doing things that are not socially acceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a fucking asshole and like be that like cause that is what feels I should do cause I am in this situation that I call Friendship that just appeared for me.

Give a Fuck
Fuckity Fuck Fuck

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and live out a script in my head, that I stick to and perform, based on what I perceive is expected of me in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my words and what I say, where I can like sense the restrictions and yet I stick to it comfortable, unconsciously, always respecting the limits as God and ALL that is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny Myself, and my self-honesty, my body, my state, my understanding, and my living here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live out past memories and moments where I like have a best friend I can call, and we call each other everyday at the same time, and like I just listen, and she just talks, and its like that is just how things are, I Am NOT the Creator of the moment, I am just receiving the gift, I am the passive receiver. I am blessed. I am lucky. And I hope it doesn't end.

Memory of my friend where her and I would talk everyday after school on the telephone. That was my only source of happiness. I needed it. I expected it. I looked forward to it. I felt sad and depressed without it. Life is a sigh without it. I felt Pain and Suffering losing her. Life lost meaning without her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live for talking with my friend after school everyday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make talking with my friend my only source of happiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel depressed, and sad with everything else in my life except talking with my friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make life just pain and suffering without having my friend in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live life like a sigh, like eor where how I breathe is a sigh, like a weight, like a burden, that being alive is just a burden.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need my friend everyday, to look forward to it with excitement, that the thought of talking to my friend is what got me through the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a polarity within myself where I stopped living here, and judged/compared everything that is here to an imagination/thought of a future moment of talking with my friend.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as depression towards living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to breathe within sighs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak within a sigh, and saying as many words as possible within one breath, in order to be "efficient" and save my "energy."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my friend, and say how without my friend, life isn't worth living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope and pray to God that my friend is safe and that we can continue to be Friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel fear and anxiousness in not having control of my reality and self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need someone in my reality that I can dump my shit on to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear whatever causes me to lose my friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living open, honesty, real, being myself for fear that it may cause my friend to leave.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live quiet, controlled, restricted, constricted, frozen, so as to not do ANYTHING that can cause my friend to react and leave, where I rather just be a quiet boy, and frozen like in Jurassic park and the T-Rex. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious and anxiety in my breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny my own self-honesty for fear of losing my friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not do what is best for me.

Solution- Live as self-security, being secure within myself, by myself. Live as self-responsibility, taking responsibility for what comes up within me. Listen to my self-honesty, do what is best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not create and develop a real friendship based on each living self-honesty, self-responsibility, self-security, and doing what is best. 

Monday, December 17, 2018

Day 82 Creating the Future

So oddly enough the topic of My Sad Story (in the past) and Creating My future are inherently linked,

cause if I stay in my sad story I cannot create my future or any future. Cause being stuck in past.... can't create anything new...

My sad story is about where I came from, all the people that wronged me, everything bad that happened to me, how I need pity and help...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the sad story within me, and live within the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself the responsibility and the access to what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise my future and creating my future by being stuck within a retelling of my sad story and reliving it over and over again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay stuck within sadness and blame towards others in my past.

I realize the past is gone, it has passed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay as the Victim.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay within Emotion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not let go of the Pain and Suffering I felt in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force myself to keep reliving the Pain and Suffering from the past.

I let it go.

I choose to create my future, a good future for myself, where I seek to create good thing for myself, create good things. I seek and follow that which nurtures me, feeds me, supports me.

I give myself a good life.

Within that it involves other people enriching my life, sharing my lives with others, being a part of others lives and inviting/enticing others to be a part of mine.

Rejoice and be merry. Create it.

Sunday, December 16, 2018

Day 81 Enuciation, Pronounciation, Speaking Clearly, Project

So I have been practicing speaking and will continue to do so.

This is a recollection of the key points that I can do.

Find ways to just Speak Aloud.
1. Speaking aloud describing what I am doing: " I am washing the dishes" "I need to use the bathroom"  "I am walking to the bathroom"  "I am eating an apple"

2. Speaking aloud what I am seeing: "I am watching television" "This is third time I am seeing this commercial"  "there is a couple skating on ice" "I am looking out the window" "I see people playing tennis"

Points for me to focus on when speaking
 1. Projection - which means project as a verb, which means speaking loudly so that you send the sound OUT of you. You project to the room.
2. Place my hands/fingers to my mouth and feel the vibration of my lips, nose, which indicate I am speaking on the edge of my mouth, instead of speaking from deeper within my mouth. I want to speak on the edge of my lips so that the sound projects OUT.
 3. Listen to my own pronunciation of words and check if it sounds Crisp and Clear, without any difficulty, very easy/natural/automatic.
4. Practice and focus on the words and sounds I have trouble with.

Things I have found so far
1. Certain words I had to place focus on such as: Exercise, Scrambled, Creation... because the way I pronounced it wasn't crips/clear without any mumbling. I just kept repeating it, and working out my facial muscles and lips till I got it clear.
2. Reactions within me to certain words or to the moment, affect my pronunciation as well as cause SWALLOWING of words, which means not projecting it out, but keeping the sound in the back of my mouth.
3. There is a vibration on my chest when I speak a certain way at a deeper pitch, which is kind of soothing on my chest.

Something I remember
1. When singing a note you want to have two fingers width of your mouth open, so that the sound can leave your mouth clearly/loudly

Future Classes
1. I found one perfect place for taking singing lessons as a Baritone, or Deeper Pitch that guys can do. Will be calling tomorrow to schedule class.

Saturday, December 15, 2018

Day 80 - Letting Go of the Past - First Phase

So I'm starting a Journey of letting go of my past. There are several dimensions to this, as it is a broad thing, the Past.

One dimension I am tackling now is simply all my relationships to every person, including my mother, brother, essentially every damn person. Because something I have been doing is keeping a history of our relationship in my mind, something VERY SIMILAR to how the game Sims works. In Sims you can form relationships with people and gain points, as well as milestone moments, good and bad. Essentially there is a relationship HISTORY programmed in the game. So as you get your sims to make relationship with people it keeps track of things. See here INHERENTLY is the problem when it comes to real life. At the same time though it is a VERY GOOD simulation of how we are operating in our relationships. So its a good copy cat of how we behave actually, which also means its a bad way to actually live. We are not living in our relationships in a very good way.

The problem that arises is the same kind of problem, COINCIDENTALLY, that came up in my previous blog on the Perfect Partner Framework in our heads. The problem of not being HERE in the moment with people. Because if you are in the PAST, which is IN YOUR HEAD, instead of being here, then you are not here with people and able to and capable of being and responding in real time with the person. Because you are in your head, and you are seeing things through the eyes of the past. You are not living and breathing here. You are seeing, remembering and visualizing the past moments, the past person.

So the Gift of being here and not being in the Past is everything. It allows for you to see the person for who they are, and it allows you to make it better, make the moment better, to direct the moment, and add your value to it. That is what I am busy walking.

I am busy with just Dropping all the Past, all the history with a person, and just see here, be with the person, respond and move/act as myself as my principles, as the living word, as the integrity, as self-forgiveness, self-responsibility, and doing what is best for all. It doesn't matter if I am meeting them for the first time, or how long I have known them. All the past drops. I just see and be here.

Even the moment that just happened before is in the past. Don't bring past moments here ontop of this ONE real moment that is here. There is only the moment that is here. The past is gone. You can only live Here. You can't LIVE in the past.

So I have to walk this point in the physical in real time, with every person, forever, which means from now on. This is how I will live from here on out. It is something you live and do. Be here in the moment with people.

2nd phase will follow. Probably will be on My Sad Story, and another topic of Creating my Future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring the past memories of the moments with a person here within emotion and feeling and superimpose them on the moment, the only real moment, the moment that is always here, and so not allow myself to be here in the moment with a person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry the past within me as a burden as a sad story

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry vengeance, spite, and anger against person and bring them to this moment here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my expression, limit me, limit what is possible through accepting and allowing myself to carry the past into this moment, instead of seeing what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not completely work with what is here, not completely interact with people that are here, by allowing this split from being here by staying within the past within me.

Thursday, December 13, 2018

Day 79 Perfect Partner? Live here, Act here, Do here.

Something I had done which was a mistake was to write out what my perfect/ideal partner would be. I didn't realize it at the time that I was making a mistake, and supporting separation between me and other people I meet. To understand why, let me explain.

When we meet people it is like a seed is there, we don't know where it will grow, move or bend. It is unknown. We just met the person. So why would we put all of our ideas, thoughts, projections on what it COULD BE, or SHOULD BE, or what you WANT IT TO BE. Why not just be here and See what is here, be here in the moment, make sure you stick to your process, your principles, integrity, and being your best self. And from that, by doing this, something may eventually, through time and participation in moments of being here like this with a person..... something may emerge. And it is there that it is real. It is there and its real because its a process that was walk with being here with the person, sticking to who you ARE without any COMPROMISE of who you are, your integrity, principles, and living of your best self. And you cannot RUSH the emergence process. You cannot RUSH the process. You cannot. There is a common mistake. You must walk it moment to moment, according to what is revealed in the moment with the person. Be here.

What may emerge cannot be defined or limited by words that describe relationships like Friendship, Romance, Life Partnership, Best Friends.... Because its like musical notes where there are notes in between the notes. In addition we may hold onto IDEAS of what these things are, such as the point of Perfect Partner that I wrote out and would muse across my life.

What's odd about the Perfect Partner is that it is highly encouraged from multiple points and multiple people to Imagine your Perfect Partner, to Imagine your Perfect Relationship, to Write it down, to Write about it, to Describe it, and you will "manifest it."

This is a mistake. One that I made.

When I was doing online dating profile I was looking at the selections and the categorizations that placed. So for example you can identify yourself as Atheist, Christian, Liberal, Conservation, your age, your income, your interests, and the program MATCHES you based on your compatibility which means whether you are the same in one or several categorization.

The funny thing is that I met one man who was able to transcend the point of Judgment in the context of Relationship/Partnership, where previously he had judged people as being too Christian/Conservative for him to date or get to KNOW. But he transcended that and he now has a partner who is religious and conservative, but he knows that this is all preprogramming that was FORCED onto people. So its not to judge anyone. Cause we were all forced into our position by preprogramming, through the generations, through parents. He is pretty Awesome.

This JUDGEMENT is INHERENT within the Perfect Partner Framework. Making that list inside your head of who you want.

If you want something real, then you just have to be Here, BE YOURSELF. I know that the phrase be yourself may seem like an illusion to you, a meaningless and empty statement. So what needs to be done now and everyday of your life, is working on yourself, bettering yourself, knowing yourself. There will never be a time where you won't be working on yourself, and learning about yourself.

By doing this above, this self-work, you will get to a point where you can be yourself and have a self that you can see clearly that is your real you, and you can see when you walk away or step outside of yourself. When you step outside yourself that is called a Reaction. You are entering into a program inside of yourself.

Another point that is funny is how Dating Itself as a word and representation is that you are supposed to do it within the Starting Point of FINDING your Partner, who guess what? You already have an idea, a list of who your perfect partner would be, and therefore you equally have the same number of judgments of the person you are MEETING on the date, one for each point of what your perfect partner is.

So that's the problem. The starting point of Dating. Instead it should be to MEET a person. Without Judgment, without a framework of judgement, without a list of WHO you want them to be, without a list of what they COULD be, or WILL be, or what you Imagine them being able to FIT within your framework and then when we "compromise" by letting someone who doesn't fit perfectly in your framework, its like you are doing them a FAVOR and your are making such a BIG sacrifice.  WOW "you are so generous in letting in this person PAST your rigid framework on a few points"  "good for you."  NOT.

So when you are Here with a person, just here, not thinking in your head about what the future could be like, or thinking about what you WANT, simply instead look at see what is here, see what is here. Work with what is here. Communicate and Interact with what is here.

On the point of what you want, there are certain things that are not about a partner specifically, but about things you want to experience for yourself personally, such as having a children or traveling with a partner. Such things can be handled in the practical way of shelving it. Place on a back shelf. Its not on the forefront here where you are meeting people and getting to know people. And it may or may not emerge. The points may or may not align. And letting go of this Control, is part of allowing you to be here with people in your life, which is the only real point. What you imagine or want isn't real or manifested, and the only way it can be real or manifested is through the moment, being here, with people.

Another interesting dimension is the point of Flirting, where I didn't realize it or consider it throughout my life how that when I would look at women or girls  in the eyes it was a kind of flirting. I had said that I never flirted. Like at a rest stop during a family roadtrip and I see some girls my age, and the point of looking at them, looking for them to look at me, and how that would give me that experience of flirting, of she sees me, of she could be my girlfriend, my partner.

So its these little things that I have lived throughout my life, and I have done this flirting through the eyes like 1000s of times. So many times. Its become natural, and it becomes energetic, and I have accepted it as a normal thing, as a normal way to KNOW whether a girl, woman, female likes you, is interested in you. So that is not real or trustworthy. This is not a connection, this is my personal energy I am creating and feeling. I can be looking at someone in the eyes, and feel an energy and call that a connection and the other person may feel nothing at all, or think nothing of it, it being a non-memorable moment.

What is interesting is that when I look at my physical body in the presence of someone I am judging to be meeting/fitting ENOUGH of what my perfect partner framework is,.... I feel nervous, anxious, and afraid. So weird. And with people that I don't have this perfect partner framework as a system being active, I am quite expressive, normal and being myself. So its quite a contrast. There is also some very specific behavioral changes. With the system being active, I become nervous in upsetting the person, I am nervous about approaching the person. There is just SO MUCH FUCKING energy within me. It really takes over. The words I speak are different, it gets shaped by the energy. My perception of the moment and the situation gets warped by the participation in the energy.

So all of this above is something I have been facing in real time the last days. Where I was able to very luckily work through it thanks to the support of fellow destonians who could cross-reference information with me and provide me some direction, which I then took within me and opened up these points in this blog like the mistakes I have made, like how not just 2-3 months ago I wrote about wanting a specific partner in my blog. And how in my daily life I have been facing this relationship system in the context of a Perfect Partners the starting point for MEETING someone, which is not even a real meeting of a person. You cannot MEET or KNOW someone while you are busy judging them and trying to place them in the framework of a perfect partner that you have created through time in your mind. You cannot meet or know someone, I repeat you cannot meet or know someone while you are still participating in this system. Because all you ever or know is just your own projections, judgment. Essentially you are meeting your own system again and again, with different women/people/men who serve simply as the change in scenery. You never get to MEET or know anyone. That real meeting would require being HERE, with them, without judgment, thought, projection, beliefs, wants or desires for them to be a certain way.

I have heard before how we want people to see us for who we are WITHOUT trying to change us or wanting us to change. Complete acceptance. Yet are we really doing the same with others? I mean if we have this idea of a perfect partner, or a perfect boss, or perfect friend, or whatever.... perfect family then we are always constantly missing people for who they are right now, what is here right now. That is all that is real, here and available to you. So yes, do go out there and MEET new people, and arrange meetups with people, and get to know new people. Do that. Go on dates. Spend time with people. But do it with the starting point, as explained in this blog. Be here, check yourself, check your principles, check your integrity, your living, your process. See what emerges naturally through that participation. Live here, act here, do here. Experience here, the physical. DO NOT RUSH THE PROCESS. Rushing takes you out of the moment. Do not follow the Energy. Forgive the Energy, Forgive creating Perfect Partner Framework, Forgive judging people for not fitting your framework, and judging people as good and as you partner for fitting your framework for a perfect partner. Get back to being real, being physical, listening, breathing, participating, interacting, expressing, and so getting to know someone, and BEING yourself with people.

The one secret hidden dimension to this, that is also the lesson to learn is to be OKAY being by yourself, not NEEDING a PARTNER, not NEEDING a MAN or WOMAN to fulfill you. Meaning that you are completely comfortable with being yourself, which of course implies being comfortable by yourself. I am not there yet, and but walking these points in the physical and opening up further dimensions, anyone, including myself will get the point there eventually. 

What it feels like is a complete self-security.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here and meet people here, the only place you can meet them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place people, women within a framework within my mind so see if they fit it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope, want someone to meet/match my expectations, desires as a framework of a perfect partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be within my mind and energies as emotions and feelings when I meet someone, a woman who I perceive as a potential partner because of the framework of a perfect partner I created through writing, thinking, emotions, feelings and judgments of people/humanity as what is good/best/acceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous, anxious, afraid when I project someone to be a match for my perfect partner, just like a dating site, where in my mind I see them as fitting a program, and oddly enough I feel nervous, scared, anxious and afraid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to not see how the program of seeking for a perfect partner through judgment feeds the system of energy, and is extremely uncomfortable and not practical at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I see the match for a perfect partner as system, to then become subservient, like a slave, trying to please them, and so I'm fucking nervous and anxious about not making them happy, and fucking up what they want, and so they will reject me, which I'm fucking scared of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel fucking scared of my match in terms of my perfect partner mind system , seeing me or observing me without me knowing, and see me doing something stupid, and see I am self-conscious about being seen and so I try to over compensate by trying to do cool looking things or look good even when I'm not really sure if she is looking. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous, scared and bothered of the idea/thought/perception that a potential perfect partner according to my system, is flirting with or talking with other guys/men. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about whether a woman looked at me, and to fixate on that thought and to feel nervous with that thought. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine a woman and become like her, move like her, talk like her, because she is a match in my mind system of a perfect partner. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be impatient and feel impatient, where I want what I want now, and I want a perfect partner now, so I act on it now, I move on it now, and so I move further and further away from right being right here with a person, working with what is here, seeing a person here, listening to a person here, and talking a person here. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as part of my impatience go into my mind and imagine what I want now, and so develop a relationship to my imagination of me and another person together, and generate emotions and feelings. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a person withing my mind as HOPE that we will end up together as an imagination PICTURE in my mind as a projection into the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to with this perfect partner as system imagination place them above all other people, where I move to be with them, be close to them, help them over other people, and feel panic in losing them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a perfect partner who wants kids, wants a family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a perfect partner who gets Desteni.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a perfect partner who is frugal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a perfect partner who wants to support Desteni.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a perfect partner who wants to raise our kids as Destonians.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a perfect partner who doesn’t waste food.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a perfect partner who doesn’t waste.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a perfect partner who is committed to Desteni.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a perfect partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see there being moments of connection between me and a woman, through our eyes, through looking at each other.
I was just staring at her and she was just staring back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form a feeling of a connection to this woman through looking at her eyes while she looks back at me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to on dating sites look for women who are atheist, liberal, nature lovers, love to sing, love to dance, are educated, are not too rich, don't look to feminine in terms of lots of makeup.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge women who use less makeup as looking more natural, and look better than women who use makeup.

Monday, December 10, 2018

Day 78 Haircut

Getting Haircut,

man all those fears and insecurities from the past were still here. Owning my haircut, living Strong Yogan, Strong me,

So I got  a haircut, and I did have those fears arise, including like whether other people like it or think its weird. So what I had to do was own it. Because some people did compliment on me on the hair, but still I had fear, so its only when I like own it and as well own my own expression with my words and body and whole self. Because hair is just one part of me. The rest of my expression the rest of me is still here. I am still me. Its just that this me has a new haircut and the haircut is fun, i like it. Its creative, it was done by an artist essentially who loves cutting hair and enjoys it. So I'm glad that she was a part of it, that part of her expression is a part of my hair and so me now.

When I saw own it, I mean that in a moment I literally just like took off my hat and be like okay this is me, and then focus on my expression, being me, being the natural me. 

Day 77 Moment of Compliments/Celebration

So I had a moment where I was told by someone else that I am patient, comfortable with myself, I am at ease, very honest, courageous, don't mind being embarrassed,

SO I was never told I was very honest before. It floored me. Its amazing really. I consider it more than a compliment, I don't know what to call it. Being seen like that, and being seen, means so much for me.

Plus, I never really Saw myself in that way from the perspective of the eyes of another person. So now I can. Its weird. I can see myself as an honest guy.

Same with being courageous. I didn't/don't see myself as courageous in walking process. And I initially downplayed that, saying how I am just walking process and how it is just that.

And again, seeing myself through someone else's eyes gives me a grander perspective. That I am courageous. That I do face my fears.

Hearing these qualities of myself from another person means more to me than anything.

It's simply amazing.

So the lesson here/support to take is to share with others what you see in them, their strengths, their way of being because it can have a great impact on their own self-understanding and self-view.

And also the lesson is to be open to hear and see how another person sees you.

Sunday, December 9, 2018

Day 76 Fearing the Strong Woman

I saw a pattern within me today about fearing the strong woman.

I was assisted by someone who I was reacting to. I was reacting to them in nervousness. They suggested for me to see what words they represent to me, and so not to focus on them as the image.

So I took this advice, and I started working on it. I also had a celebrity who I had a similar reaction to in my past who I met. So I tried to see what words they represented. I got a few words that I initially identified but turned out NOT to be the main word, however its related. Initially I saw the words of ease of communication and happy/smiling and friendly. So I took these words with me. And at that point I was looking at the words and trying to stop my reactions.

It didn't work and what happened was me kind of controlling myself and restricting myself, becoming a controlled silence. What I did at this point was kind of allow it because I wasn't sure, that maybe this is what my expression is supposed to be.

Anyway, so I went to sleep and when I woke up in the morning I was looking at the point and obviously this controlled silence is not my real expression, and no way in hell would I allow it to be like my existence. So what I decided to do was to trust me, and initially drop the advice from the person and just work on the point, allow myself to look at everything that is here and just work it. I have worked and resolved similar things in the past, I just need to trust me and give myself the opportunity to work on it, which requires something like being by myself, laying on bed and reflecting on the point. Kind of removing outside distractions so I can focus on my inner world. Luckily I was already in bed so.

So I started looking and I saw this clear image of something like a captain's chair in front of me a little ways away. So not right next to me, but a little farther off, but straight ahead. Then to my left was the person I felt nervous about and who had given me the advice. To my right was someone else in my life who I similarly reacted to, also a woman.

So in this simulation of a chair, I saw myself being the chair as in me directing myself. But with these two people, to my left and right, they would take the chair from me. The captain's chair. I didn't know it at the time, but what I learned a little later on in the morning was that I didn't see myself as STRONG enough to take the chair with these two people in my presence. Of course this is all in my head, but this is how I would react to in reality with these people. So the simulation and working on it as a simulation is a valid way to work on the point, and if I get the point, then I can LIVE it in reality, which obviously is another test.

So I continued to muse on the point and it came to the point of a strong woman. Interestingly though is that this initial person is not this type of strong, directness like very masculine. Instead they are very feminine. So it was just my perception and belief. And with this second person who was in my right, I had a memory where they became angry, direct, aggressive, masculine in just ONE moment. Though interestingly they are mostly calm and collected.

So Being Strong, Direct, are the words for me to live. And in doing so, I saw that the nervousness was dropping. That I can sit in the captain's chair just fine.

So it came in full circle, because the advice was to see what words the person represented. So my reaction was seeing a strong woman, because of a program where I want to be led/directed by a strong woman, which was my history in past relationship with women, where I feel weak and nervous and I want to be directed, led and told what to do and how to be. A woman I can serve, and be pathetic for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the strong, direct, masculine woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the angry, aggressive, attackative woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the mother figure as punishment bringer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the scorn and wrath of woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this woman to my left who I judge based on moments of when her body moved in aggressive ways.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this woman to my right who I judge based on a moment where I perceived her being angry as a reaction.

I LIVE Strength as Strong Yogan, Strong Me.

 I know my correction is effective if I drive in the seat, and don't let any image of anyone else within me to drive. 

Friday, December 7, 2018

Day 75 The 5 compromises of Relationship

Something I have lived is 5 compromises of relationship.
I compromised myself. There are two definitions of compromise. The one is essentially to reach an agreement by both sides giving into some demands from the other, so that neither side fully got what they originally wanted.
1. an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

The second definition which is the one that is used in this blog is when like when you compromise yourself, which means to give in or give up some very important things about you, something like being corrupted.

2. accept standards that are lower than is desirable.

So the five compromises of relationship that I have lived

1. The compromise of Looking to Receive Approval, and Changing yourself in order to Receive Approval

    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change myself when I have received approval in whatever form, including applause, where in that moment of approval I remember/learn that how I was and what I did led to that approval and then I seek to recreate that approval through changing myself and integrating whatever fucking thing that led to the approval.

2. The compromise of Self-Respect, Self-integrity, Self-Security, Self-Love, Self-care, Self-attention

     I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself, my body, my self-standards, which are essential to be me, being well, being healthy, safe. 

3. The compromise of Seeking Revenge, Seeking to Feel Powerful, Attacking in Anger/Righteousness, playing the Victim

      I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek revenge on someone who I believed did a disservice to me, where I believe I am a victim and am justified to seek punishment, and that I have the right to attack them and make them feel bad.

4. The compromise of Wanting to be with Someone who has rejected you. Of not wanting to accept the reality of another's decision

     I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself by wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, who had already decided that she doesn't want to be with me, that has already rejected me.

5. The compromise of Not getting to Know someone, Not paying Due Diligence, Overlooking who someone is.
     I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself by not getting to know someone fairly well before initiating a long term relationship with them, to not do the basic due diligence of see who they they, how they operate, how they do things, their past, their personalities, what they are dealing with with their mind, and their strengths, potential development, skills, weaknesses, addictions, victories, achievements, their goals, what they want, their relationship with their body.

Check out DIP courses and the Desteni website, This is where I got the tools like self-forgiveness to support myself with in changing for real. There is much to learn and the information is readily available with people ready to support.

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Day 74 Feeling Fear in a moment of Perfection

This morning I reflected briefly how I was having a series of perfect moments, where all was really good and going well. I saw I was having some perfect moments.

And when I saw this I immediately felt a fear, because in movies and tv shows, and other stories, whenever things are going its BEST, that is when something bad happens.

So I felt a fear immediately that something BAD is bound to happen next.

So my reaction went from fear to kind of suppressing ignoring that I was having such perfect moments in my life.

Then I caught myself. I ended up doing self-forgiveness on this fear, and I went back to embracing/seeing and simply recognizing that I was having some really good moments, a series of them all one after the other. I embraced that and went on my day.

The result was that I was really enjoying my day/time. And in a way, kind of giving that joy and relaxation to others, where I smiled and was relax while saying hi.

I did have other moments of challenge, where what was within me wasn't nice, and so I had other challenges to face within me. But then came the perfect moments and I easily embraced them, and saw I did have similar moments of perfection in my past, and that I was grateful I was in this one now.

So this wasn't a major point, but no point is too small to share on or write on. So there it is.

Friday, November 30, 2018

Day 73 Being a part of the solution, instead of being part of the Problem

There are many things that one can say is wrong with the world.

But one thing that happens is that people complain about what is wrong, and they only take it to there, just words that are complaining about the problem.

But what is needed is sacrifice, commitment of your Life and your Time in some positive way that is practical that will inevitably bring about the end of the problem with a solution. It can be long term stuff. It can be where you spend your money. It can be saving your money and using it wisely in supporting people that are voices of changes. It can be directly volunteering, becoming a politician, starting a business, making a plan to work a certain job that provides you security and use that security to support others, uplift others. We each have strengths and inheritances. We are not all born equal or have access to equal opportunity. BUT we can BE equals, and SEE each others as equals, and so give this life all that we got, and we utilize our strengths and advantages to change the world, uplift people, support the voices of change. Some people will be better at being the voices than you, and that's okay. We each have our talents and so our best roles to play. We will do this together, and make it through together, as soon as we join in and start rowing as a team. The team of life. The team of humanity. The team of the world. It will take sacrifice. It will take time. It will take your life and commitment.

Don't be a complainer. Join in the Revolution. Play your part. Do it. Solve the Problem.

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Day 72 Care

A world where everything is done with love and care for the end result. When apples are grown, that the man/woman plants the tree seeds with care. The person cares for the seedling. Cares for the tree. Cares for the fruit they pluck from it. Carefully places it for transport. The transport person carefully transports it. The people receive it with care. Its placed with attention in the hands of the one who eats it.

Imagine if everything done in reality is this way. What would have to stop? What would have to change?

What is stopping us from living care in the moment?

We can eat an apple with care with attention, carefully.

Its matters who we are, what we do, how we live. What words we live. They create reality.

Sunday, November 25, 2018

Day 71 Update on Adrenaline

Update since Blog post Adrenaline:

So since I have been walking the point of Adrenaline as described in my blog, well here's an update.

I have been paying attention to my physical heart, and when and in what moments I react so that adrenaline or my blood pressure kicks it up, and so I feel my heart pounding. So I have been purposefully being calm and relax in my time where I don't have to be running around.

One of the greatest luxuries in life is being able to just take your time walking somewhere, to just enjoy the view, enjoy the moment, going slow. This requires time.

Also, by paying attention to my heart, this has helped me in conversations where I can remain calm, and more stable and not react within conversation topics. At the same time, when I do talk, I see I'm much more effective, and pay much more attention to what was just said, and able to bring through my point, as how I see it, clearly, quickly, and to the point.

I see and can envision adding to my blog sections dedicated to Adrenaline as a chapter. As well as Anger as another Chapter, and Sex as another, where all three chapters are connected as a the same underlying point yet different as the different dimensions of the point. It will be explained in such a way that a psychologist researcher or a scientist can use it to jumpstart studies and show what's going on in people.  I suspect some of the people diagnosed with Depression are participating in this adrenaline as I found it does decrease your sensitivity to your senses, and so the world seems less bright, less going on, such as food being more bland for example or sex being underwhelming. It has a physical component which CAN be studied and shown in the lab. I'm sure of it. I hope this can be studied by someone and it can then benefit Humanity.

For brief moments and spurts I did use my adrenaline in order to study deeply mathematics in preparation for my GRE test. As well as during a deep and complex conversation with an individual, where I had to keep track of multiple points. Something I noticed about me was that I bounce my foot. I have done that throughout my life, notably in school desks, when i am studying something deeply, or am taking a test. I bounce my right foot. My theory is that it moves my physical energy around, which means my blood, and so fresh blood pumps around my veins, noticeably to my brain. I am very focused and can feel the surge of blood to my brain as I am focused on the task.

I realize many people drink coffee every morning. I never drank coffee, but I did have a moment one night some months ago where I drank this highly caffeinated beverage by accident at night. I had woken up and felt weird. I noticed I didn't feel physical pain. Like I would pinch myself and not feel it at all. i got really worried/scared. I then realized it was probably the caffeine. Now looking at how I felt with adrenaline its the same. Because caffeine is only a signal. Caffeine signals for you to release adrenaline. It doesn't give you adrenaline or any resources for example. So that's the difference. So it make sense. So I realize many people are probably existing like this.

Saturday, November 24, 2018

Day 70 The Little Prince

The book called the Little Prince...

I learned that love is simple. Its simple because I did it as a child. Very simple. I loved my toys. I loved my toys because I spent time with them, I paid attention to them, I interacted with them, I was here with them. I spent TIME with them, I had MOMENTS with them, as memories of experiences. I can remember them and recall them, and I cared for them. When I lost them, I was distraught. I missed them. I can remember them with fondness, with love in me.

Only the children know what they are looking for," said the little prince. "They
waste their time over a rag doll and it becomes very important
to them; and if anybody takes it away from them, they cry..." 
"They are lucky," the switchman said"
 I'm very sure I understand what love is now. While reading this book, I'm pretty sure I can see it. I see it my past. I can see the moments and the people with who I actually loved and those who I thought I did love, but didn't really. I understand now the difference. I can see how as a child I had the innocence to love, but not the understanding of the difference between that love and the fake version of it. Now as an adult full of experience, I can look back and see the difference. 

This is what I see.

With some women, I tried to love them. I sincerely tried. I gave my best. But it wasn't possible. It didn't fruition into love. And it simply wasn't possible, because of the moment and because of us, the both of us. It's not something you can force or make. Its something you can try and test and just see how it pans out. 

With two women, I can see that it was Love, real love, pure love. The same love, that had the same feel of it, when I would love my toy. Like the rag doll in the example above. Where I was being me, and there it was! Ties were establish between me and the other person in moments that were real. It was real and sincere. It was full. It was fulfilling. And I can look back and see that it is so. 

It's very simple really. What real love is as an expression between two individuals. 

And it does end, because that is how things happen. I remember when I lost a toy, a specific toy and I missed it. What you do when you lose something you love? Well you go on and you love something else. Because love is not really about the other in the end. It is about you and the love that you live as, that you are. And yes it involves reality, people and things. 

With these two women, I know they loved me. It's something I know. That doesn't mean we are meant to be husband and wife. It doesn't even mean we have to be friends or be in contact. Because things in Life pull you apart. Not only Death, but also life circumstance, personal goals etc... That doesn't mean the love wasn't real. In fact I can say that its here now and its present. 

What's more important is that I can see now the realness of it. And so I am learning. So I can bring love into my life now, through my physical reality. Like my room, or my clothes, or my food, or my body. Now with awareness I can do it, knowing what real love is. Because its all the same. Whether its the Love for my room that I decorated myself piece by piece, with attention and care and the memory of it, or with that of a person... its the same. Yet it is the different, but the Love is the same realness, wholeness, fullness, hereness, and NOT-FAKENESS. 

Being okay with Loving and then losing a specific person or thing, is important. What happens most often is we don't know what we are doing or what is happening, so we react and so we don't MOVE ON and LOVE something or someone else, and our life becomes dark and hollow. As children we have the capacity to love, just not the maturity or self-awareness to understand the difference and specificity of our love and how it works and what it is. It is Us. It is Me. It is not the other, it is ME that is loving, that is living the love. And we have loved many things as children, so it is not the first time, or first love. Your first love probably was a toy! LOL. 

I think this is why Toy Story movies are such a big success because they press on this nerve that people are not even aware of but they will CRY in the movies for the Love between the toys and the child. Because that was a real sincere love, that children have, that you had for you toys, for the moments you spent there with THEM. 

That same kind of pure love is the real love, and only love, that you want to continue to live with things in this reality and certain people in this reality. With people its more trickery. Because not everyone is as open, honest, and here as an inanimate object is. Believe it or not. And you know this. You know how there just can't be communication that is clear and real, no matter how clear and real you may be with another. And it may be for various reasons that are out of your control. The details of which don't matter, but just know that no one is to blame. 

You can read the Little Prince here: 

They say its a childrens book WRITTEN for Adults. And its important to read the beginning to the end. Though the meat about the LOVE that I learned from was from the Fox and from the relationship between the little prince and the flower. 

I had read it once before as a child, but I didn't understand it. Now though, reading the deeper layers with personal experiences on love I can see what its trying to say. I would be surprised if a child would get it or understand it, which is why I suspect it was really written for adults and not children.

Anyway, the lesson with the fox, is like I said above in my entire blog except that its in my own words. I don't believe I can say it any better than what I have said before. BUT if you read it the Little Prince maybe you can see for yourself better than how I have explained here in my own words. You may have to find your own words and see into your own soul and see the reality of Love that you have lived in this Life-time. The key to the secrets of you is within you. 

Grab the reigns and start living. 

Friday, November 23, 2018

Day 69 Adrenaline

Adrenaline as excitement

Adrenaline as fear


My heart beating, my heart pressure is high. I can't relax/stop it. It just goes.

I am addicted to Adrenaline. My body is conditioned to exist in adrenaline. I am seeking for more adrenaline. Adrenaline as Fear is my everyday life. Adrenaline as Excitement is my Entertainment everyday.

I choose to redefine and stop. No more adrenaline as fear or as excitement. No more heart pressure. Instead I choose when I do it. I choose when I adrenaline. Otherwise I am relax, stable, slow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as adrenaline when I wake up and for my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move quick and fast as what's normal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as caffeine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for adrenaline as excitement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for adrenaline.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my blood pressure to rise and beat high, even though I am just sitting in a chair doing nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have adrenaline even though I am just laying in bed or I am just sitting doing nothing, where it feels I can't stop the blood pressure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let adrenaline be habit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let adrenaline be normal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy adrenaline.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find adrenaline as entertaining.

I redefine adrenaline as high blood pressure as a way to do things with my body in a fast way where it needs more resources for my muscles or my mind/brain. It is short burst. The body is not designed to use it long term. Should be very rarely a full day. Not the norm. It is harmful to exist in such a high state of demand on the body. Not Normal.

I take responsibility for adrenaline that it is to be directed by me on purpose. It is my responsibility to use adrenaline responsibly. Just like a drug, just like a caffeine. It is how I use it, how I live it. There is consequence for using it. It has an effect. It up to me to change.

Power doesn't corrupt. It just reveals who you are. Take responsibility.

Day 68 Moving Slower. Tortoise vs the Hare

I have needed to just call a halt on everything and take things slower. This occurred physically to me, cause I got sick. I can tell that I got sick because of stress, because before I got sick I was dealing with a lot of stress. Basically I don't have time for everything I want to do right now. And I had been trying and pushing to get all of these things done. But its just not possible. I have to give myself time, plenty of time to do things right and well.

Just making the statement that I'm going to be pushing back my deadlines and giving myself more time, already lifted some of the weight. But I also had to tackle some of the reasons why it exists.

Why was I doing this? What about me thinks its okay to push all of this stuff on me to get it done as fast as possible?

I know that before starting working in my jobs, so when I was in college still and then younger than that, I was different. I would have always taken things slow and do things Right. That is my preference. I know I am good at that, and I know that's the best way to get things done. What happens includes a environment shift and pressure. BUT, its who I am in such an environment, including the pressure. So no one else is to blame, not even my environment.

So what is about me that thinks its okay to push things like this? One thing is a belief that what is my best?

The belief about what is my best is that I believe my best is when I am running around quickly and fast and getting things done as fast as possible. I believe that. And thats a problem. So I redefine it.

My best is actually me going slow and doing what needs to be done, one thing at a time. Because slow and steady wins the race. It doesn't matter how long it takes. THIS is my best. So what I notice is this feeling of feeling bad, where I feel bad if I am going slow, within the belief I am not doing my best. So I redefine it.

My best is me moving SLOW, and doing this WELL, giving myself the TIME to do it. It DOESN"T MATTER how long it takes. The time it takes to get things done is how long it will take. This is unequivocally, universally, unconditionally my best in all universes and existences. Anything not that is NOT my best.

So first redefining what is my best is my first step.
Rather becoming honest with that, and realigning myself to what is the god honest truth.

I can't do everything and DO everything WELL. I just can't.

So what I have been doing then is living this. So for example I had been for a while leaving my dishes and plates to be cleaned later because I had a lot in my mind in all the things I needed to get done and there are deadlines and basically all this stuff to get done. So what I am doing is like I said, taking things slow, and pushing things back and dropping things I can do. So what I do then is I wash everything, and do it slow. It doesn't matter if I am tired, I can do it slow.

So things I wanted to get done in my life in a year, are being pushed back maybe two years or even three years. How ever long it takes. I am no longer in a rush to do it to get it done. I am slow and steady now like a turtle. I will win the race, I will get there. I will just do it right, and well. No more rushing. When I run I will be running while moving slow within me.

I stand absolutely in this decision. It won't change. I will get there, to my goals. I am just no longer the rabbit.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race.