The most important thing that I can offer existence is to show that its possible to live and exist without thought, emotion and feeling. To show what its like to no longer feel insulted, intimidated, scared, worried, love, hope, sadness, excitement. To show what it is like to smile for real, laugh real, spontaneously in the moment, unplanned.

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Day 688 Just a Daily Life Moment of my investment in my Career/Future

I am reading this book, ideally one hour everyday, but realistically it may be like half an hour on workdays, and then 1-2 hours on the weekend days. Basically though, consistency. This book is highly recommended across the internet for getting into data science, and basically for learning how to use the tools commonly used in data science on the R statistical software that is open-source and free to download. The book is also free to download, but i ordered it because being able to write notes and hold the book in my hands and take it places is way too useful especially in my days where it seems every minute/hour counts.

I plan to apply to 5-10 schools in November 2019. With at least 3-5 being top schools, and a handful of backup schools, because I can still do well and learn in schools that aren't so great. And right now the market is in such a high demand for data scientists that it won't matter as much what school I come from, at least right now.

What's great about the book is that it has tutorials and guided exercises on using R in the book, that will help me apply the very tools.

It feels tough doing this, to add some another responsibility on my daily life. But I know it will get me to where I want to go/be in the future. It is a physical challenge, one where I am lets say, rewarding myself for, by giving myself much needed breaks and motivation. I do need motivation, and rest. I do feel the challenge, the stress, and simply not being motivated. So I am trying to make it fun for me, and play a funny video, or watch something short online.

If I could study all day everyday, that would be ideal, but I work for money to live. So yeah.
So I do need the motivation, the thing where "if I read so and so pages", I will then reward me by watching this video I wanted to see online. And I play also relaxing calming music that helps me focus. So really making it as pleasurable and enjoyable as possible.

I hope getting into this data science career will empower to do more things in my physical reality, and the physical reality of others. So here's to That!!!!!!!!!

I also had an idea now to take breaks to draw/paint too. Hahaha

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Day 687 Allowing myself to have a good thing?

So, there was this moment where things were so good, and so great, and what I noticed was that I was avoiding it, like physically avoiding it. And I was like, wait a minute, I am avoiding this... and its something good, so why not just let myself live it, jump into it physically, you know? So I did that, but then something happened where I immediately shifted away from the good thing. I went into my head, and that's where I kind of stayed. And now I'm writing this blog. So,

So I got some work to do to understand this and what's going on. I kind of messed up this one opportunity, but its expected since apparantly I really suck and really shy away when it comes to joining in something physically that is quite good with another person. Like everything is okay and safe. The context is okay and safe. The moment/environment is safe is good, is here for me if I just, you know, own it, own the moment and just live it.

Agh, its hard. hahaha

anyway this why im writing here to open this up, to learn and change.

Its embarrassing to actually write this and say this and know this will be read. And I can see how embarrassment is part of this. Like in the moment, being embarrassed to live openly, just be happy with someone, and express with someone that happiness of this moment with them.

When I was in the moment of speaking where I was in my head, I lost that sense of happiness/enjoyment, it was like being a robot, where I spoke to speak, but that enjoyment in expression that could have happen, didn't.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed to enjoy a person, and enjoy a moment with them, and just live that enjoyment and happiness here openly, for them to see, for all to see.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear just standing in front of all, and just yelling/expressing the truth that I am enjoying this moment and I am going to live it and be it, and continue this moment, continue creating it, and not stop in embarrassment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed being happy, and expressing physically in my voice, in my self, in communication with another.

Embarrassment shouldn't exist in reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing embarrassment to exist.

I commit myself to live as being real, being happy, enjoying a moment as it is here, enjoying a person as they are here, and just live unapologetically without embarrassment for how much I am enjoying this moment.

Thank you for reading my blog,
as a special note: Eqafe has launched Eqafe Unlimited, which allows you access to the entire library of Eqafe for a monthly subscription, just like Netflix. Its cheap and affordable. I have used eqafe to find and search for a point I had trouble with in process, such as anger, or fears. It always gave me that extra hint/clue to help me along in opening up a point in writing. Check it out! www.eqafe.com

Relevant eqafe interview:

Monday, January 14, 2019

Day 686 Reacting in Worthless - Seeking Comfort and Manipulation

yesterdays blog: https://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2019/01/day-685-reacting-in-worthlessness.html

Continuing with yesterday's point on Worthlessness in me while looking at how it relates to being Comforted.

So as a child growing up in worthlessness, I didn't seek to change the worthlessness directly, because I didn't know how, I didn't have the tools that I have now that I learned from Desteni (www.desteni.org www.lite.desteniiprocess.com). So what gave me a momentary pause or distraction from feeling worthless was feeling comforted, and being comforted. Now looking at how this developed over the years its interesting.

I remember some of the first crushes I had on women, when I was like 9 years old, that it was with girls in my class who were nice to me, and paid attention to me, who seemed like nice people. So I was being comforted in that moment. And it was very specific, like the smile of the person, making feel that I was being accepted and welcomed.

Fast forward, I can see how with women I dated, how it was something simple as the woman smiling at me, which would bring that Feeling of Comfort. Where I was distracted from being Worthless. So it was a physical action, a moment where a woman physically smiled at me and spoke very nicely to me and positively to me. And when that moment ended I was back in feeling/being worthless. So naturally, when I was in relationships with women and during the moments that we kissed and were intimate, I was being comforted, and that worthlessness was away. It was an action, it was a physical symbol/sign that I was not worthless, and I was being comforted in a physical way. And when the kissing stopped, it was right back to that worthlessness.

Being comforted is part of this design. It serves to protect the worthlessness, through distraction, through enabling it. And not only that, when the kissing stopped, most often initiated by the woman I was with, then I would feel angry/resentment and blame. Because I wanted it to continue. I wanted to continue to be comforted. I wanted to not feel/be worthless again in this moment!

You can imagine how unhealthy being this way in any relationship is like. Almost something akin to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Such a split between realities of heaven and hell. The torment of moving one to another. The torment of being powerless and depending on someone else to give that to you. It's horrible.

There is something disarming when someone smiles at you and is so friendly for any person, where with your own worthless, its like the person is letting you drop yours for the moment. Unfortunately this is not the same as transcendence, and being independent in living the change point. It doesn't work like, simply smile at someone and free them. Indeed, it can be a point of abuse/trickery, where you know you can manipulate someone else. And that is my next point.

There is manipulation existing within me, because to have gotten these relationships, and even attempting to get into new one, requires manipulation while I continue to exist in worthlessness. Because how else can I get anyone to be with me, someone so worthless? So naturally manipulation is the way. And that is where Ego justifies the manipulation. What else can justify manipulation but ego?

I have lived manipulation in the form of being very nice, and romantic, and so similarly play on someone else's worthlessness.

With another woman, I have lived manipulation in the form of guiding a person to express their views on something like politics, in a very simply way like being Left learning or Right leaning, through just asking direct are you more left or more right? And in that how I say it, I make being Left the correct answer, the answer I want to hear. So also playing on a person's worthlessness through making them feel like I am agreeing with them and being friendly to them.

And the ego's role is to justify what I did, as right, as my choice, as my freewill, and that I was being GOOD, and SINCERE, and being NICE to the person!!!!!!!!

Of course that is what I as ego would say. Of course. Just brush it all under the rug for no one to see ever.


Without all this crap, without all this worthless and fear. Without the need for manipulating someone, because of seeing myself as worthless in the first place, and without the ego coming in to cleanup the mess, something like a Hitman, or a Specialist or Fixer.

Fucking-AAAA I would be free to be me unapologetically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use comfort as a distraction and an alleviation from being Worthless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for staying in Worthless when I was younger, because I didn't yet know, see or understand yet how to change it yet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the woman I was with when she would give me the comfort and then take it away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in this dimension in my mind where I believe such things as me being worthless, and someone else giving me comfort, and me manipulating another, and me being ego and justifying it, when all the while that is not the reality as physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the mind is real, and me being worthless is real, and someone else giving me comfort is real, and me manipulating someone is real, and me justifying the manipulation is real, creating this whole drama and alternate reality in my mind that is made real through the flow of energy drawn from my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enact and act on manipulation due to saying/seeing that I am worthless and need to manipulate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge and act with Ego to justify the manipulation and hide that I am manipulating by saying I am good and right.

Thank you for reading my blog,
as a special note: Eqafe has launched Eqafe Unlimited, which allows you access to the entire library of Eqafe for a monthly subscription, just like Netflix. Its cheap and affordable. I have used eqafe to find and search for a point I had trouble with in process, such as anger, or fears. It always gave me that extra hint/clue to help me along in opening up a point in writing. Check it out! www.eqafe.com

Relevant eqafe interview:








Sunday, January 13, 2019

Day 685 - Reacting in Worthlessness

Being/Feeling Worthless

I felt and believed I was worthless because as a kid I was quiet, shy, I didn't know what to say or what to do. I didn't know how to have conversations or speak. When it came to the girls I had crushes on, that I liked, I didn't know how to speak to them. And to one particular girl who made me her friend, who was super friendly to me, and spent time with me, and invited me to things, I felt/believed I was still worthless, I was too worthless to be with her. I was too worthless for her. I am quiet. I am shy. I don't know how to speak.

This self-perception carried on within me. As I grew older and met other girls/women that I had crushes on, that I eventually dated, I still saw myself as too worthless to be with them. As I was with them, held hands with them as we walked, I still saw myself as worthless. I was afraid to say something stupid or I was afraid I wouldn't know what to say. I was afraid I was still too quiet, too shy, too inexperienced, too socially inept.

I have still carried this around in me, even though since I was a kid I have learned much and practiced much in terms of speaking and communicating with people. In terms of reading social cues, and in how to approach certain subjects. Not only that, I have developed great qualities, like being courageous and very honest/direct with people, being open, willing to put myself out there, take risks, being comfortable with myself, being at ease with people and being patient and listen to people. I am someone who perseveres. Does this make me worthless?

Being worthless should be erased as a phrase from existence. No one should live/say I am worthless. No one.

I was afraid as  kid, and I didn't have much experience and practice. I didn't know how to face fears and stop them, something I was able to do with desteni. See www.desteni.org www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  Ideally this is TAUGHT to kids early on, where kids are shown how to work with things like fears and really release them for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe, say and think I am worthless, and too worthless to be with people, to be friends, or to date.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe,say and think I am too worthless and cannot change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let anyone say, believe or think that they are worthless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing worthlessness to exist in reality.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not enough, I am worthless, because I was way too quiet as a kid, I felt so shy, I didn’t know how to speak well and clearly, and speak without fears, and present myself well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not good enough and worthless to have friends and girlfriends because I was shy when I was younger, and I was different and I am still different now, and I embrace my differences, I embrace my truth/honesty of who I am and how I see the world, and how I relate to the world.

I embrace my differences, I embrace my truth, I embrace where I am in this point in time in my process, and I embrace ME within that.


Thank you for reading my blog,
as a special note: Eqafe has launched Eqafe Unlimited, which allows you access to the entire library of Eqafe for a monthly subscription, just like Netflix. Its cheap and affordable. I have used eqafe to find and search for a point I had trouble with in process, such as anger, or fears. It always gave me that extra hint/clue to help me along in opening up a point in writing. Check it out! www.eqafe.com

Relevant eqafe interview:


Thursday, January 10, 2019

Day 684 I have someone dependable, reliable here and its freaking me out!

I have someone who is dependable, reliable, is THERE, and it is freaking me out!

Cause my systems are activating... What are these systems? What is happening within me?

I am going into self-doubt 1. I am second guessing what comes up within me as what I would normally say to the person and share with the person.

I am feeling a strange constant state of happiness for no apparent reason 2.. I see this is here because I believe/see I have this person here, they are always here, they are reliable, they are going no where, an its a FACT. So in my mind I'm reacting in this strange constant happiness.

Another way to look at it, is that it should be normal and the norm for people to ALWAYS be there, to be so trustworthy, and reliable, and simply SHOW UP in the relationship... that its so normal its boring or not exceptional. And we can live normally.

3. I am getting quiet and reserved because of 1. where I am second-guessing myself, not trusting myself, because I am afraid of saying something STUPID and losing this person. I am fucking afraid.

4. I am also getting quiet and reserved, because I get overwhelmed by 2, and then I just black out, I just start falling asleep or start imagination or start drifting in thoughts.





I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow second guessing and doubting what comes up within me to share/express with the person, which I would be normally express with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a feeling of constant happiness, just cause I know that they are ALWAYS there, and they are reliable and dependable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a constant fear of losing them, because of me doubting myself, and what to say, where I don't want to say anything STUPID.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be overwhelmed by positive energy and constant happiness that I just black out and enter in my mind and drift along, including drift off to bed, and drift off into imagination and dream land.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel comforted when someone is always there, reliable, dependable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy knowing that someone is always there, dependable, reliable.

I am dependable and reliable for many many people.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the stuff of dreams when I see this person being here, and I have them here, they are here part of my life, reliably, dependably, seemingly infinitely so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I wrote all of the above yesterday, and I haven't published it yet. It was what I needed to write just to work on the first layer of energy. Now I am going to work on the understanding and connecting the dots.

I am seeing multiple lines connecting with inside myself. How I have defined what a dependable and reliable person is, and how I have a specific relationship to these words and how I have lived it as energy in the past. Basically it is how I described above, but it may not be so clear to people unless they really stop and take a look. I am participating in two parts simultaneously, with having a person who is dependable, reliable and showing up as the trigger point. So to explain the timeline, there is a person who has consistently showed up and been a part of my life for a time period, and then that realization or the awareness of that dawned on me, and then my mind system activated. I have been calling it a freak out, and it feels like a form of insanity.

The reason why I say insanity is because I am simultaneously within a positive energy and a negative energy, and everything just feels unsettled, I don't feel like myself. I am feeling content/happy and satisfied and I am feeling afraid and scared. And it gets really weird as I describe the exact nature of this experience. I am feeling this odd comfortable FEELING and it overwhelms me, like I literally feel like passing out into a slumber, and I am resistant to reaching out to anyone, or contacting anyone, I suppose the best way to describe it is like what I would expect enlightenment from meditation to be, like pure rays of happiness coming out of seemingly nowhere and placing you in a stupor. It really does fucking suck and its fucking tiring. But it is tempting, and I had no idea what the fuck was happening the first few days in it.

So secondly the point is fear, where its like I don't want to contact the person, and whereas before communication on my part was open and free-flowing where I just shared whatever was here, it was now like second guessing and self-doubt and just not sure what the fuck to say, and so what I end up saying was more often than not, NOTHING at all. Its just so fucking stressful to deal with what to say!!!! and again I wasn't like that before the system triggered.

So the fear too also reaches a point of being overwhelming.

SO I got both parts here, equally the best parts of the perfect storm, feeding off of each other, getting stronger and stronger.

I have had moments where I had friends that I just made as a KID and I saw them as THERE and dependable, and they are my friend and that won't ever go away...... and then they moved away.... That was like a traumatic moment for me. It so fucking weird though why. But I placed so much emphasis on that one person... and what I am seeing is that this left this mark as energy and as a system within me, where I get stuck in that past moment of relishing/enjoying my friend and then being destroyed upon hearing the news that they are moving, and that I wouldn't ever see them again, and I didn't have the chance to say goodbye! Anyway, the energy was like a snapshot image that I brought with me into the next moments....

So I say fuck you energy, Im going to change. Normally I don't say fuck you, but fuck it, this has been way too fucking much and been going on way to fucking long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay within this trauma and past moment of losing a friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay within positive energy and negative energy as feeling comfortable with having someone dependable and fearing them leaving or dying, or moving, or whatever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow this comfort energy within me, to make someone Dependable, and showing up in my life, as someone special, that warrants me to feel this comfortable, everlasting happiness that comes out of nowhere.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view a dependable person, reliable person as like my saving grace, as like my one true joy or desire, that that will fulfill me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a dependable, reliable person that shows up in my life consistently, to be like my heaven and the thing I fear losing most.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change who I am , and going into positive and negative energy, when seeing a person as now someone reliable/dependable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question the energy of comfort, relax, satisfaction as positivity any sooner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge and naturally float to positive energy and consider it natural.

I realize I have been having a similar relationship to trees in particular since I have for a long time been calling trees as dependable and an example of being dependable. I realize I have made trees my friends, in the sense and context describe in this blog, where I have been retreating myself to the trees and into positive energies as comfort/satisfaction, and thus limiting myself. I have been limiting myself by not putting myself out there with people, and only staying within this particular situation I have sequestered myself to. I realize that its not healthy, and this is not the true form of trees. I realize too that I was traumatized, and have been staying and repeating in this same trauma for a very long time. I realize now I understand my trauma and how I have been repeating it, so I can let go now and stop.

posted below is a eqafe interview that I see is relevant. Also, an announcement that now there is Eqafe Unlimited for one small monthly payment get All of Eqafe available to you. Plus there is online streaming now as well!!!!




I am going to be focused on my living now. Who I am, and changing myself in the moment to not allow or accept this energies within me, positive or negative, and let go of the trauma/pattern of the past as memory, and start living a new, as me, as my expression and openeness and being here living in the moment and interacting fully here.