The most important thing that I can offer existence is to show that its possible to live and exist without thought, emotion and feeling. To show what its like to no longer feel insulted, intimidated, scared, worried, love, hope, sadness, excitement. To show what it is like to smile for real, laugh real, spontaneously in the moment, unplanned.

Saturday, December 15, 2018

Day 80 - Letting Go of the Past - First Phase

So I'm starting a Journey of letting go of my past. There are several dimensions to this, as it is a broad thing, the Past.

One dimension I am tackling now is simply all my relationships to every person, including my mother, brother, essentially every damn person. Because something I have been doing is keeping a history of our relationship in my mind, something VERY SIMILAR to how the game Sims works. In Sims you can form relationships with people and gain points, as well as milestone moments, good and bad. Essentially there is a relationship HISTORY programmed in the game. So as you get your sims to make relationship with people it keeps track of things. See here INHERENTLY is the problem when it comes to real life. At the same time though it is a VERY GOOD simulation of how we are operating in our relationships. So its a good copy cat of how we behave actually, which also means its a bad way to actually live. We are not living in our relationships in a very good way.

The problem that arises is the same kind of problem, COINCIDENTALLY, that came up in my previous blog on the Perfect Partner Framework in our heads. The problem of not being HERE in the moment with people. Because if you are in the PAST, which is IN YOUR HEAD, instead of being here, then you are not here with people and able to and capable of being and responding in real time with the person. Because you are in your head, and you are seeing things through the eyes of the past. You are not living and breathing here. You are seeing, remembering and visualizing the past moments, the past person.

So the Gift of being here and not being in the Past is everything. It allows for you to see the person for who they are, and it allows you to make it better, make the moment better, to direct the moment, and add your value to it. That is what I am busy walking.

I am busy with just Dropping all the Past, all the history with a person, and just see here, be with the person, respond and move/act as myself as my principles, as the living word, as the integrity, as self-forgiveness, self-responsibility, and doing what is best for all. It doesn't matter if I am meeting them for the first time, or how long I have known them. All the past drops. I just see and be here.

Even the moment that just happened before is in the past. Don't bring past moments here ontop of this ONE real moment that is here. There is only the moment that is here. The past is gone. You can only live Here. You can't LIVE in the past.

So I have to walk this point in the physical in real time, with every person, forever, which means from now on. This is how I will live from here on out. It is something you live and do. Be here in the moment with people.

2nd phase will follow. Probably will be on My Sad Story, and another topic of Creating my Future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring the past memories of the moments with a person here within emotion and feeling and superimpose them on the moment, the only real moment, the moment that is always here, and so not allow myself to be here in the moment with a person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry the past within me as a burden as a sad story

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry vengeance, spite, and anger against person and bring them to this moment here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my expression, limit me, limit what is possible through accepting and allowing myself to carry the past into this moment, instead of seeing what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not completely work with what is here, not completely interact with people that are here, by allowing this split from being here by staying within the past within me.






Thursday, December 13, 2018

Day 79 Perfect Partner? Live here, Act here, Do here.

Something I had done which was a mistake was to write out what my perfect/ideal partner would be. I didn't realize it at the time that I was making a mistake, and supporting separation between me and other people I meet. To understand why, let me explain.

When we meet people it is like a seed is there, we don't know where it will grow, move or bend. It is unknown. We just met the person. So why would we put all of our ideas, thoughts, projections on what it COULD BE, or SHOULD BE, or what you WANT IT TO BE. Why not just be here and See what is here, be here in the moment, make sure you stick to your process, your principles, integrity, and being your best self. And from that, by doing this, something may eventually, through time and participation in moments of being here like this with a person..... something may emerge. And it is there that it is real. It is there and its real because its a process that was walk with being here with the person, sticking to who you ARE without any COMPROMISE of who you are, your integrity, principles, and living of your best self. And you cannot RUSH the emergence process. You cannot RUSH the process. You cannot. There is a common mistake. You must walk it moment to moment, according to what is revealed in the moment with the person. Be here.

What may emerge cannot be defined or limited by words that describe relationships like Friendship, Romance, Life Partnership, Best Friends.... Because its like musical notes where there are notes in between the notes. In addition we may hold onto IDEAS of what these things are, such as the point of Perfect Partner that I wrote out and would muse across my life.

What's odd about the Perfect Partner is that it is highly encouraged from multiple points and multiple people to Imagine your Perfect Partner, to Imagine your Perfect Relationship, to Write it down, to Write about it, to Describe it, and you will "manifest it."

This is a mistake. One that I made.

When I was doing online dating profile I was looking at the selections and the categorizations that placed. So for example you can identify yourself as Atheist, Christian, Liberal, Conservation, your age, your income, your interests, and the program MATCHES you based on your compatibility which means whether you are the same in one or several categorization.

The funny thing is that I met one man who was able to transcend the point of Judgment in the context of Relationship/Partnership, where previously he had judged people as being too Christian/Conservative for him to date or get to KNOW. But he transcended that and he now has a partner who is religious and conservative, but he knows that this is all preprogramming that was FORCED onto people. So its not to judge anyone. Cause we were all forced into our position by preprogramming, through the generations, through parents. He is pretty Awesome.

This JUDGEMENT is INHERENT within the Perfect Partner Framework. Making that list inside your head of who you want.

If you want something real, then you just have to be Here, BE YOURSELF. I know that the phrase be yourself may seem like an illusion to you, a meaningless and empty statement. So what needs to be done now and everyday of your life, is working on yourself, bettering yourself, knowing yourself. There will never be a time where you won't be working on yourself, and learning about yourself.

By doing this above, this self-work, you will get to a point where you can be yourself and have a self that you can see clearly that is your real you, and you can see when you walk away or step outside of yourself. When you step outside yourself that is called a Reaction. You are entering into a program inside of yourself.

Another point that is funny is how Dating Itself as a word and representation is that you are supposed to do it within the Starting Point of FINDING your Partner, who guess what? You already have an idea, a list of who your perfect partner would be, and therefore you equally have the same number of judgments of the person you are MEETING on the date, one for each point of what your perfect partner is.

So that's the problem. The starting point of Dating. Instead it should be to MEET a person. Without Judgment, without a framework of judgement, without a list of WHO you want them to be, without a list of what they COULD be, or WILL be, or what you Imagine them being able to FIT within your framework and then when we "compromise" by letting someone who doesn't fit perfectly in your framework, its like you are doing them a FAVOR and your are making such a BIG sacrifice.  WOW "you are so generous in letting in this person PAST your rigid framework on a few points"  "good for you."  NOT.

So when you are Here with a person, just here, not thinking in your head about what the future could be like, or thinking about what you WANT, simply instead look at see what is here, see what is here. Work with what is here. Communicate and Interact with what is here.

On the point of what you want, there are certain things that are not about a partner specifically, but about things you want to experience for yourself personally, such as having a children or traveling with a partner. Such things can be handled in the practical way of shelving it. Place on a back shelf. Its not on the forefront here where you are meeting people and getting to know people. And it may or may not emerge. The points may or may not align. And letting go of this Control, is part of allowing you to be here with people in your life, which is the only real point. What you imagine or want isn't real or manifested, and the only way it can be real or manifested is through the moment, being here, with people.

Another interesting dimension is the point of Flirting, where I didn't realize it or consider it throughout my life how that when I would look at women or girls  in the eyes it was a kind of flirting. I had said that I never flirted. Like at a rest stop during a family roadtrip and I see some girls my age, and the point of looking at them, looking for them to look at me, and how that would give me that experience of flirting, of she sees me, of she could be my girlfriend, my partner.

So its these little things that I have lived throughout my life, and I have done this flirting through the eyes like 1000s of times. So many times. Its become natural, and it becomes energetic, and I have accepted it as a normal thing, as a normal way to KNOW whether a girl, woman, female likes you, is interested in you. So that is not real or trustworthy. This is not a connection, this is my personal energy I am creating and feeling. I can be looking at someone in the eyes, and feel an energy and call that a connection and the other person may feel nothing at all, or think nothing of it, it being a non-memorable moment.

What is interesting is that when I look at my physical body in the presence of someone I am judging to be meeting/fitting ENOUGH of what my perfect partner framework is,.... I feel nervous, anxious, and afraid. So weird. And with people that I don't have this perfect partner framework as a system being active, I am quite expressive, normal and being myself. So its quite a contrast. There is also some very specific behavioral changes. With the system being active, I become nervous in upsetting the person, I am nervous about approaching the person. There is just SO MUCH FUCKING energy within me. It really takes over. The words I speak are different, it gets shaped by the energy. My perception of the moment and the situation gets warped by the participation in the energy.

So all of this above is something I have been facing in real time the last days. Where I was able to very luckily work through it thanks to the support of fellow destonians who could cross-reference information with me and provide me some direction, which I then took within me and opened up these points in this blog like the mistakes I have made, like how not just 2-3 months ago I wrote about wanting a specific partner in my blog. And how in my daily life I have been facing this relationship system in the context of a Perfect Partners the starting point for MEETING someone, which is not even a real meeting of a person. You cannot MEET or KNOW someone while you are busy judging them and trying to place them in the framework of a perfect partner that you have created through time in your mind. You cannot meet or know someone, I repeat you cannot meet or know someone while you are still participating in this system. Because all you ever or know is just your own projections, judgment. Essentially you are meeting your own system again and again, with different women/people/men who serve simply as the change in scenery. You never get to MEET or know anyone. That real meeting would require being HERE, with them, without judgment, thought, projection, beliefs, wants or desires for them to be a certain way.

I have heard before how we want people to see us for who we are WITHOUT trying to change us or wanting us to change. Complete acceptance. Yet are we really doing the same with others? I mean if we have this idea of a perfect partner, or a perfect boss, or perfect friend, or whatever.... perfect family then we are always constantly missing people for who they are right now, what is here right now. That is all that is real, here and available to you. So yes, do go out there and MEET new people, and arrange meetups with people, and get to know new people. Do that. Go on dates. Spend time with people. But do it with the starting point, as explained in this blog. Be here, check yourself, check your principles, check your integrity, your living, your process. See what emerges naturally through that participation. Live here, act here, do here. Experience here, the physical. DO NOT RUSH THE PROCESS. Rushing takes you out of the moment. Do not follow the Energy. Forgive the Energy, Forgive creating Perfect Partner Framework, Forgive judging people for not fitting your framework, and judging people as good and as you partner for fitting your framework for a perfect partner. Get back to being real, being physical, listening, breathing, participating, interacting, expressing, and so getting to know someone, and BEING yourself with people.

The one secret hidden dimension to this, that is also the lesson to learn is to be OKAY being by yourself, not NEEDING a PARTNER, not NEEDING a MAN or WOMAN to fulfill you. Meaning that you are completely comfortable with being yourself, which of course implies being comfortable by yourself. I am not there yet, and but walking these points in the physical and opening up further dimensions, anyone, including myself will get the point there eventually. 

What it feels like is a complete self-security.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here and meet people here, the only place you can meet them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place people, women within a framework within my mind so see if they fit it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope, want someone to meet/match my expectations, desires as a framework of a perfect partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be within my mind and energies as emotions and feelings when I meet someone, a woman who I perceive as a potential partner because of the framework of a perfect partner I created through writing, thinking, emotions, feelings and judgments of people/humanity as what is good/best/acceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous, anxious, afraid when I project someone to be a match for my perfect partner, just like a dating site, where in my mind I see them as fitting a program, and oddly enough I feel nervous, scared, anxious and afraid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to not see how the program of seeking for a perfect partner through judgment feeds the system of energy, and is extremely uncomfortable and not practical at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I see the match for a perfect partner as system, to then become subservient, like a slave, trying to please them, and so I'm fucking nervous and anxious about not making them happy, and fucking up what they want, and so they will reject me, which I'm fucking scared of.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel fucking scared of my match in terms of my perfect partner mind system , seeing me or observing me without me knowing, and see me doing something stupid, and see I am self-conscious about being seen and so I try to over compensate by trying to do cool looking things or look good even when I'm not really sure if she is looking. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous, scared and bothered of the idea/thought/perception that a potential perfect partner according to my system, is flirting with or talking with other guys/men. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about whether a woman looked at me, and to fixate on that thought and to feel nervous with that thought. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine a woman and become like her, move like her, talk like her, because she is a match in my mind system of a perfect partner. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be impatient and feel impatient, where I want what I want now, and I want a perfect partner now, so I act on it now, I move on it now, and so I move further and further away from right being right here with a person, working with what is here, seeing a person here, listening to a person here, and talking a person here. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as part of my impatience go into my mind and imagine what I want now, and so develop a relationship to my imagination of me and another person together, and generate emotions and feelings. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a person withing my mind as HOPE that we will end up together as an imagination PICTURE in my mind as a projection into the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to with this perfect partner as system imagination place them above all other people, where I move to be with them, be close to them, help them over other people, and feel panic in losing them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a perfect partner who wants kids, wants a family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a perfect partner who gets Desteni.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a perfect partner who is frugal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a perfect partner who wants to support Desteni.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a perfect partner who wants to raise our kids as Destonians.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a perfect partner who doesn’t waste food.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a perfect partner who doesn’t waste.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a perfect partner who is committed to Desteni.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a perfect partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see there being moments of connection between me and a woman, through our eyes, through looking at each other.
I was just staring at her and she was just staring back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form a feeling of a connection to this woman through looking at her eyes while she looks back at me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to on dating sites look for women who are atheist, liberal, nature lovers, love to sing, love to dance, are educated, are not too rich, don't look to feminine in terms of lots of makeup.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge women who use less makeup as looking more natural, and look better than women who use makeup.


Monday, December 10, 2018

Day 78 Haircut

Getting Haircut,

man all those fears and insecurities from the past were still here. Owning my haircut, living Strong Yogan, Strong me,

So I got  a haircut, and I did have those fears arise, including like whether other people like it or think its weird. So what I had to do was own it. Because some people did compliment on me on the hair, but still I had fear, so its only when I like own it and as well own my own expression with my words and body and whole self. Because hair is just one part of me. The rest of my expression the rest of me is still here. I am still me. Its just that this me has a new haircut and the haircut is fun, i like it. Its creative, it was done by an artist essentially who loves cutting hair and enjoys it. So I'm glad that she was a part of it, that part of her expression is a part of my hair and so me now.

When I saw own it, I mean that in a moment I literally just like took off my hat and be like okay this is me, and then focus on my expression, being me, being the natural me. 

Day 77 Moment of Compliments/Celebration

So I had a moment where I was told by someone else that I am patient, comfortable with myself, I am at ease, very honest, courageous, don't mind being embarrassed,

SO I was never told I was very honest before. It floored me. Its amazing really. I consider it more than a compliment, I don't know what to call it. Being seen like that, and being seen, means so much for me.

Plus, I never really Saw myself in that way from the perspective of the eyes of another person. So now I can. Its weird. I can see myself as an honest guy.

Same with being courageous. I didn't/don't see myself as courageous in walking process. And I initially downplayed that, saying how I am just walking process and how it is just that.

And again, seeing myself through someone else's eyes gives me a grander perspective. That I am courageous. That I do face my fears.

Hearing these qualities of myself from another person means more to me than anything.

It's simply amazing.

So the lesson here/support to take is to share with others what you see in them, their strengths, their way of being because it can have a great impact on their own self-understanding and self-view.

And also the lesson is to be open to hear and see how another person sees you.

Sunday, December 9, 2018

Day 76 Fearing the Strong Woman

I saw a pattern within me today about fearing the strong woman.

I was assisted by someone who I was reacting to. I was reacting to them in nervousness. They suggested for me to see what words they represent to me, and so not to focus on them as the image.

So I took this advice, and I started working on it. I also had a celebrity who I had a similar reaction to in my past who I met. So I tried to see what words they represented. I got a few words that I initially identified but turned out NOT to be the main word, however its related. Initially I saw the words of ease of communication and happy/smiling and friendly. So I took these words with me. And at that point I was looking at the words and trying to stop my reactions.

It didn't work and what happened was me kind of controlling myself and restricting myself, becoming a controlled silence. What I did at this point was kind of allow it because I wasn't sure, that maybe this is what my expression is supposed to be.

Anyway, so I went to sleep and when I woke up in the morning I was looking at the point and obviously this controlled silence is not my real expression, and no way in hell would I allow it to be like my existence. So what I decided to do was to trust me, and initially drop the advice from the person and just work on the point, allow myself to look at everything that is here and just work it. I have worked and resolved similar things in the past, I just need to trust me and give myself the opportunity to work on it, which requires something like being by myself, laying on bed and reflecting on the point. Kind of removing outside distractions so I can focus on my inner world. Luckily I was already in bed so.

So I started looking and I saw this clear image of something like a captain's chair in front of me a little ways away. So not right next to me, but a little farther off, but straight ahead. Then to my left was the person I felt nervous about and who had given me the advice. To my right was someone else in my life who I similarly reacted to, also a woman.

So in this simulation of a chair, I saw myself being the chair as in me directing myself. But with these two people, to my left and right, they would take the chair from me. The captain's chair. I didn't know it at the time, but what I learned a little later on in the morning was that I didn't see myself as STRONG enough to take the chair with these two people in my presence. Of course this is all in my head, but this is how I would react to in reality with these people. So the simulation and working on it as a simulation is a valid way to work on the point, and if I get the point, then I can LIVE it in reality, which obviously is another test.

So I continued to muse on the point and it came to the point of a strong woman. Interestingly though is that this initial person is not this type of strong, directness like very masculine. Instead they are very feminine. So it was just my perception and belief. And with this second person who was in my right, I had a memory where they became angry, direct, aggressive, masculine in just ONE moment. Though interestingly they are mostly calm and collected.

So Being Strong, Direct, are the words for me to live. And in doing so, I saw that the nervousness was dropping. That I can sit in the captain's chair just fine.

So it came in full circle, because the advice was to see what words the person represented. So my reaction was seeing a strong woman, because of a program where I want to be led/directed by a strong woman, which was my history in past relationship with women, where I feel weak and nervous and I want to be directed, led and told what to do and how to be. A woman I can serve, and be pathetic for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the strong, direct, masculine woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the angry, aggressive, attackative woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the mother figure as punishment bringer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the scorn and wrath of woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this woman to my left who I judge based on moments of when her body moved in aggressive ways.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this woman to my right who I judge based on a moment where I perceived her being angry as a reaction.

I LIVE Strength as Strong Yogan, Strong Me.

 I know my correction is effective if I drive in the seat, and don't let any image of anyone else within me to drive.