Day 76 Fearing the Strong Woman

I saw a pattern within me today about fearing the strong woman.

I was assisted by someone who I was reacting to. I was reacting to them in nervousness. They suggested for me to see what words they represent to me, and so not to focus on them as the image.

So I took this advice, and I started working on it. I also had a celebrity who I had a similar reaction to in my past who I met. So I tried to see what words they represented. I got a few words that I initially identified but turned out NOT to be the main word, however its related. Initially I saw the words of ease of communication and happy/smiling and friendly. So I took these words with me. And at that point I was looking at the words and trying to stop my reactions.

It didn't work and what happened was me kind of controlling myself and restricting myself, becoming a controlled silence. What I did at this point was kind of allow it because I wasn't sure, that maybe this is what my expression is supposed to be.

Anyway, so I went to sleep and when I woke up in the morning I was looking at the point and obviously this controlled silence is not my real expression, and no way in hell would I allow it to be like my existence. So what I decided to do was to trust me, and initially drop the advice from the person and just work on the point, allow myself to look at everything that is here and just work it. I have worked and resolved similar things in the past, I just need to trust me and give myself the opportunity to work on it, which requires something like being by myself, laying on bed and reflecting on the point. Kind of removing outside distractions so I can focus on my inner world. Luckily I was already in bed so.

So I started looking and I saw this clear image of something like a captain's chair in front of me a little ways away. So not right next to me, but a little farther off, but straight ahead. Then to my left was the person I felt nervous about and who had given me the advice. To my right was someone else in my life who I similarly reacted to, also a woman.

So in this simulation of a chair, I saw myself being the chair as in me directing myself. But with these two people, to my left and right, they would take the chair from me. The captain's chair. I didn't know it at the time, but what I learned a little later on in the morning was that I didn't see myself as STRONG enough to take the chair with these two people in my presence. Of course this is all in my head, but this is how I would react to in reality with these people. So the simulation and working on it as a simulation is a valid way to work on the point, and if I get the point, then I can LIVE it in reality, which obviously is another test.

So I continued to muse on the point and it came to the point of a strong woman. Interestingly though is that this initial person is not this type of strong, directness like very masculine. Instead they are very feminine. So it was just my perception and belief. And with this second person who was in my right, I had a memory where they became angry, direct, aggressive, masculine in just ONE moment. Though interestingly they are mostly calm and collected.

So Being Strong, Direct, are the words for me to live. And in doing so, I saw that the nervousness was dropping. That I can sit in the captain's chair just fine.

So it came in full circle, because the advice was to see what words the person represented. So my reaction was seeing a strong woman, because of a program where I want to be led/directed by a strong woman, which was my history in past relationship with women, where I feel weak and nervous and I want to be directed, led and told what to do and how to be. A woman I can serve, and be pathetic for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the strong, direct, masculine woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the angry, aggressive, attackative woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the mother figure as punishment bringer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the scorn and wrath of woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this woman to my left who I judge based on moments of when her body moved in aggressive ways.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this woman to my right who I judge based on a moment where I perceived her being angry as a reaction.

I LIVE Strength as Strong Yogan, Strong Me.

 I know my correction is effective if I drive in the seat, and don't let any image of anyone else within me to drive.