Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Day 745 Desire to Procreate



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to procreate

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be willing to compromise who I am, my integrity and principles for a wife/woman partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be willing to suppress myself, my voice, the voice of what is best for all, to hide anything that can be judged as aggressive or distasteful in my words, in my blog and vlogs, in order to appease what I believe women would want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to conform to this idea of what I think a woman wants: a man who is masculine but not threatening, intelligent but not condescending, strong but not aggressive, is interested in the woman but not intrusive, is attracted to the woman's appearance but is not shallow, is soft, gentle and kind, but not feminine, is submissive to the woman, but still confident.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it could be worth it to take more gently in my blogs, to not be aggressive, to be more passive, in order to appease what I think women want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to change/suppress the message and principle of oneness and equality because of this desire to procreate and find a partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to change and play a dating game or flirtatious game and that I can't be myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that no woman would want me as I am, where I am childish, feminine, relaxed, open-hearted, loving, playful, accepting, understanding and listening.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to become more masculine for women, that I need to be more aggressive, and be physical fit and tough for a woman to like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I that I need to deepen my voice and be more masculine in my speech in order to attract a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that its worth changing if the alternative is I find no one who is compatible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe its worth compromising who I am and my expression if it means I can find someone who is attracted to that compromise

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to manipulate my image and present to women what I think they want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place any value in any relationship that starts on physical attraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place any value on any opinion of another that's based on superficial appearance and instead of mutual expression, connection, conversation, listening an understanding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think its impossible for a man and a woman to approach each other as equals in conversation, understanding, listening directly and be here with each other and see whether an agreement makes sense for both.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that everyone in this world is superficial and shallow and that no clear communication is possible between me and a woman, as they will always be in a system of flirtation, judgment, and attractions, which is within energy.

So it is possible for two people to come together as equals and speak and see each other as who they are, without energy and judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hopeless and think I have to compromise/change and to think it would be worth it if I have kids from it, and I imagine it all works out in the end.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider giving up my stance, principles, and living word and expression, and my commitment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is best for all that I hide/suppress myself, my blogs/vlogs, desteni in order to find a partner.

I commit myself to walk my process absolutely, without compromise, suppression, and without reaction, fear, shame, or guilt.

I commit myself to place any possible relationship or agreement with a woman always behind my process, always second to living what is best for all, oneness and equality, here, openly, publicly.

I commit myself to expand and deepen my social relationships with all people, especially with men, since there isn't that barrier or judgment in the mind due to system of flirtation, and romance energy.

I commit myself to live a full life, where I am myself, I live as my expression that are aligned within oneness and equality, as this body, in breath, with all people equally.

I commit myself to treat women the same way I treat men, as equals. 

Tuesday, July 30, 2019

Day 744 The Reproductive System in All of Us


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of talking about Desteni with a potential partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of talking about oneness and equality with a female

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of being assertive, adamant, confident and sure of myself when speaking about process, the tools, desteni, and oneness and equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to suppress and hide Desteni from a potential partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to only present that which is light, fun, and likeable about me to a potential partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to change myself and put on a presentation to a potential partner that isn't me, and is suppressing myself, my words, my stand and my principles that I'm living of oneness and equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be and adapt and become whatever it is that I think females will like: being more masculine, having a more attractive body type or hair, what I think and how I express, that I become more softer/gentle with females.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not treat females like how I treat men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry/fear that who I am as who I naturally am without changing for others, is not good enough for females

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that all females want an attractive guy, and they only care about the looks, and they are shallow

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that all females are ingrained within the system and none of them can see the importance of self, of process and of desteni

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need to change, compromise my principles, my words, my blogs, my vlogs, my sharing, and my stand in order to make a relationship work with a female of the system

I commit myself that I won't ever stop my blogs, vlogs and my stand within Desteni

It's not worth stopping being myself and my stand that is of oneness and equality for anyone or anything, since I am walking this for everyone. Its not worth giving this up for a relationship.

I commit myself to treat all females and males the same, since we are all just people.
I commit myself to not to create a presentation or persona especially for dating and for females
I commit myself to be myself, live my words, continue to align to oneness and equality as what is best for all


Sunday, July 28, 2019

Day 741 Being a good person in the eyes of society


The human mind is an interesting thing. So those from Desteni know this, but most people don't know: about how interconnected your mind, thoughts, emotions and feelings are within everything you do, perceive and learn.

It's the missing piece of the puzzle. If we were to structure a classroom, and a teacher and an environment that addresses the mind of individuals directly, which means challenging the thoughts, emotions and feelings of people, and pointing what is practical and decisions that are best for all... doing all of this so as to show each person who happens to be a child, that their mind is a thing that is moving that they can stop and that isn't them. And that they can choose to live something else and direct themselves. And that the only choice that is best can only be what is best for all. To understand the consequences of choices, and so the choices that limit consequence is best.

Currently we operate our classroom and teachers without tackling the human mind at all. At best its a teacher's secret weapon of manipulation, where teachers employ the same tactics as all humans do, which is manipulate the emotions, which can be done for example through anger as intimidation, or through bribery and feeling manipulation with sweet words. Obviously the commonsense here is that what is being taught/shown is that authority is to be respected at all times, and the teacher must always have control at all times. So from the child's perspective, the lesson is that children must be controlled at all times, that their peers cannot be trusted. Then you have some children that rebel, which would only be natural to do in such a case. And then they are made an example of.

So the brainwashing is deep. Is it done out of a malicious intent? Is it done out of ignorance?

The bottom line here is that the human being as each person is like a machine that is hungry for one thing: energy, no matter what form it may be in. No matter the cost. No matter the actions that must be taken.

To tackle that and address that at an early age would be supportive to individuals. But you end up in today's time, everyone being like a child lets say. Everyone is a child because everyone is still after energy. So they weren't every shown or directed how to stop and how there is a consequence with going after energy and that is not what is best for all. So you essentially have children teaching other children. You have the blind leading the blind. And the systems in people go unchallenged and life continues as it has for as long as people would think it has.

Don't get me wrong, the energy and the system is no joke. This isn't a criticism of people, far from it. It's more like I am pointing out how everyone is in a deep ignorance of themselves and each other, and no one has a clue of it. So of course it will seem threatening to see/consider this. I suppose most people may think that maybe they need to change, but that overall things are pretty good.

Of course, that isn't the case. If you take a look at the physical numbers and the physical reality of people everywhere at once. But its almost like an apathy, like a dream-like state that people go into. They stop seeing, they stop caring, they stop questioning things.

That's its important to do these little wake up calls. How a few words can point out the apparent truth. You haven't and no one is questioning the mind, and knows where thoughts are coming from, and where decisions are coming from. Why do you think what you think and feel what you feel? How come you don't question/push for a better/world society, that it isn't a topic of conversation, or a mission or goal. How come its not pushed for in your life, in your conversations, and relationships. How come people are only living their lives for themselves?

I could be much harsher, which only seems harsher if its more to the point. No one can tell where their thoughts come from, and how come living what is best for all isn't a priority. I mean you were never shown this, and you never questioned this. Realize one thing, to become something or realize something, you have to actually do it, spend the time questioning, and looking at it. It takes time. And everything that is who you are right now took time.

The one thing that limits people is the idea of fitting in and being a good person in the eyes of society, and friends and family. People just wish to achieve just that goal. Just be good enough in the eyes of society and your relationships. Just that. That's enough. But what if society as a whole is blind and ignorant? I mean you are placing a lot of trust in society. Is there a way to know for sure? To be objective about things? Can you see for yourself independently that who you are and what you are living is best for all in fact? Can you see for yourself what would be best for all of us to do and become and live as a society and humanity?

Most often people stop at excuses that other people are bad. That other people are the problem. Its definitely a disturbing wake up call when everyone is the problem. When the supposed good people living good life are also problematic too. I mean it is a mass ignorance and a cultural acceptance and allowance at a massive scale. It is all of us excusing and justifying things that are not best because we are all doing it.

Who is going to question things and stop things if I don't do it? If one person doesn't start, who will?

So in conclusion, the human mind is interesting. And we are quite ignorant as long as we don't know the detail of ourselves, our thoughts, our personalities and the totality of self. This isn't taught or questioned in school, but it can be. Children can be shown the way. And it will save them a great headache of repeating your mistakes. Isn't this just commonsense?

Thursday, July 25, 2019

Day 743 People

 People

people will hurt you, cut you, punch you, make you cry, steal from you, make of you... make you laugh, cry with joy and love, sing, dance, play around, become goofy, explore different parts of yourself, smile and feel overjoyed!

I always knew when I would open up to people that it would get to me. That I would have this thing which seems like weakness. Its gonna suck. Its gonna hurt. And I know it.

I am in uncharted territories, I mean there's no guidelines here or rules on how to be or what's best. I only have myself in this. Am I making a mistake with this? Do I know what I am doing? I don't know. But I think that's its okay that I don't. At the same time...

at the same time it feels right. Its my unique way of relating to people and supporting people. Its my expression. I guess.

God it sucks, it sucks so bad to be kicked, to be screwed with. But at the same time its so good to connect, to reach out and laugh and say something. So FUCKING good.

And yeah it gets me, and yeah I have a kind of sensitivity. It does suck sometimes. This isn't what I thought/expected my path would be. Am I wrong? Am I am on the wrong path? Am I fucking with myself? I do wonder these things. At the same time I only have this choice in front of me.

I have these life experiences, I have LIVED something. This is what I lived and am living. This is what life has presented to me. So what do I do with that info?

I choose love. I choose people. I choose to open my heart.

This is not what I expected to be doing or saying. But I can do it, and it feels real. It feels strong, it feels unconditional. It feels physical. It feels like its me.

At the same time I know this isn't natural to me. Meaning I have to push myself do initiate it, but when I do then its so natural.

I am different and I am unique. I don't know what drives other people, what motivates them. But I know what motivates me. And I can bring people together over me.

To clarify, this isn't some super power about getting people to accept me and my expression, not at all.
Also to clarify that this isn't about Feeling a certain way.

This is literally just approaching people, and initiating conversations with people and literally just say/express what is here as me as my expression. I mean that's it in a nutshell.

At the same time it is a specific part of me, and it is my specific expression. And its not about controlling others or expecting anyone else to accept it. And its okay!!!!

Its okay if I spent months talking to someone and they suddenly decide to cut me off, its okay!!!!

Its okay if people are rude, and if they say no to me!!! Its okay if people ignore me!!!

Because there are other people!!! I am being me, and I am being the same way with everyone and people will respond differently, and unpredictably.

And that is the nature of Life right now. Everyone is in a unique place/space within them and in their lives. That's all there is to it.

But being Me, and being this way, is great and amazing. And it does bring out these really great interactions and moments with people which are deep, enriching, fulfilling. and so fucking good.

I mean it does suck and its gonna suck everytime someone fucking reacts, sucker punches me, flips out, and just throws away all interactions we have had. Yes. But I can't let that stop me from living what's real. What I know is real, what life has shown to me.

So I hesitantly choose to live me, knowing I am serious about making sure its best for all, and i trust in my process. So I live it, and we'll see how it goes and where it goes. Time to see if I can initiate things in my life and DO IT

Wednesday, July 24, 2019

Day 742 The System




Walking the World System is tough. Where to begin?
-You have to be popular, or likeable. It's like highschool, where you know everyone out there is in their positions not because they are the Best person for it, or have the highest level of integrity, its because they were likeable/popular. Because that is how most people work. That is the majority of us humans. So that is what our workplaces become.


- Lying gets you ahead, as long as you don't get caught. I mean look at Trump. And the same is found everywhere. Look at Ned Stark in Game of Thrones. If you have integrity and tell the truth, you immediately aren't popular cause you don't fit in. Your hiring managers and everyone high in the company got there by lying and cheating. If you don't do the same, you are different than them. You're a threat to the system.

- I would like to bombard and get rid of the world system, but even if I did, even if humans went back to a rural, physical lifestyle, nothing would have changed. Because the system is inside of the humans. The system isn't because of the technology, or money, or anything physical. Its because of what's inside of everyone, the internal system. That is the problem. People would just recreate the same thing.

Someone has to take a stand. Someone has to be an example and show another way. We can't just continue doing the same thing and expecting different results.

The system does try to make you conform. And most people don't have a choice. But when you do have the choice, how can you use that choice to influence change?

One way is to write blogs and do vlogs. One way is sharing your view and opinion. In the world system, having an opinion or a view that is public is a luxury. Tell me, if no one is sharing their views, how can change happen? I mean the system has found a way to buy off the ability to speak and share oneself wholly and openly and to be real and naked.

The ability to express oneself freely and openly is a tremendous thing then, when its so costly to use it to say/share something, especially that which is radical, and best for all, and is unpopular. Yet how else? How else can change occur? I mean that's why its attacked isn't it? That's why Desteni is attacked. That's why anyone speaking directly and plainly what's best for all, the message is attacked.

How can we not support real change if we're not willing to just speak and be heard/seen, and have the message be heard and seen for what it is. If it is a tremendous cost then it must be worth it.

The only way forward for all, is that we all take responsibility for this entire world. Everything and everyone in it. We remove all barriers, beliefs and thoughts that create any separation between everyone/everything. And we simply do what's best for all of us, all of us as equals. That is what must be done. That is the way forward. That is the only path/option that all can come together and agree upon.
If this the first time you are hearing this message, then welcome to the group called Desteni. Learn more.

www.desteni.org

Thursday, July 18, 2019

Day 740 Beatles and Across the Universe

Love, love love.

On NETFLIX
I saw this movie when I was 16 or so. It was 2006 or so. I remember sharing it with a good friend. So this more sharing something deep and real. Can we all say that Love is confusing thing?

At the same time though, can we all agree that there is a use of the word love, that when we live it with everyone, it becomes something different. To love everyone. I mean there is something there, isn't there? That's like the core of oneness and equality... Seeing everyone else as YOU. And wouldn't that be Loving everyone?

True love would be what's best for all wouldn't it?

Love, love, love.

I mean, its not bad. Its not wrong. I mean someone REALLY committed to Love, would do so without the limitation of energy.

In the movie you see some glimpses into the Hippie movement, into that time period. Into history.

The Vietnam War. The protest. Death. The Anger, Violence.

I mean, what I am doing is Love. To end the abusive patterns, to treat people well, with respect, and to show people what I have lived/down learned. How to change oneself, how to do better, and do more. To have that amazing self, have access to that power/strength, and have the vision of what's best for all. And to live it and do it with words and actions, and who I am in the moment with people.

I mean this is what life is about. Life is about People. Doing Better, doing my best! To live with integrity. Being REAL, honest, and being practical with what's here. No matter the situation we are in or are placed in by life.

Things are fucked in the world yes. But lets start where we can and with everyone we can.

But we make the world, and we make the words. All words were invented/created, and we can recreate the words. We can reforge. Love can be reforged. Where I started my Desteni process was with ending things like LOVE as energy. And I knew already way back in the beginning that the Love that is one and equal with ALL is real. When love is exclusive to just family or one person, then its fake. But LOVE lived as an expression that is not energy is REAL. Where you need to start though is in ending that energy. I mean its simple, but there's only that way. If you live love selfishly to feel an energy you will get burned. I promise you that.

I mean the Desteni process isn't that radical in the sense of what REAL life would like. Living by each other, doing good by each other, helping, being here, present, creating things that are good for all, doing what is best. I mean isn't that love?

I mean, wouldn't the most strongest person BE someone who isn't Living Love as energy for him at all? I remember how I was when I was 16, I wanted Love from other so badly. I wanted a girlfriend. So I was quite selfish and obsessed with finding that. Now with walking process I couldn't care less about that feeling as ENERGY. I want what's REAL, which is action, and behavior, and words and relationships with people. Sharing a moment, and speaking with one another. I want the world!!! haha, not be obsessed with one person. Of course, who would want to be with me? I guess only someone similar or who gets it.

Love is/was a great preprogramming method to keep people trapped in energy. But I said fuck it and went to end that energy. And now I use the word love to refer to Action and commitment and being trust worthy and following through your word, and honoring your relationships and other people the best you can. I mean that's real LOVE. And so there's nothing wrong with this movie. It has these truths in there. But my 16 year old self was still obsessed with energy. So remember this. It will never be about the MOVIE or the PERSON or the RELATIONSHIP or the WORD that makes you do something, its always just YOU that do it. You do it. You are the living word. What you speak is what you create, and what you live. So be careful what you say, apologize for your mistakes, and speak the corrections and then live it of course. Live integrity, Be integrity. Then I guess you become like Love, no?

Toodles! and have a good day!

www.desteni.org
-the home of real Love
www.eqafe.com
www.forum.desteni.org

Self-Forgiveness
Self-Honesty
Self-Responsibility
Self-Trust
Self-Direction
What is best for all
Oneness and Equality



Wednesday, July 17, 2019

Day 739 You're Welcome!



There is a particular writing voice I want to practice. Its one I have used before. Maybe it will help or maybe its effective. Let's see.

Clears my throat. Hi humanity/world, my name is Yogan. I am walking a process with my mind/self. To stop the mind/past, and reconfigure myself into expressions that are best for all, and applied in moments.

Right now I'm walking processes that are specific. I'm trying to understand specifically what is going on with certain mind points/personalities. Part of my conclusions as what I need to do is to try to live what is best for all more. To in moments where I am not sure what exactly to do or say, that I try my best anyway. And so I keep on trying. That is what I'm doing now with this blog. I don't know where its going exactly. I don't have some plan or outline. I suppose its like rambling. But I am trying. I am trying to find a way to speak what is best for all and put it out there.

I have walked a lot of mind, but the nature of what I have walked in the past was always of a more intense nature, and yes reactive nature, and also drove me to action with vigor/readiness and knowing what to do about it. So that has been the past.

In the present, I am dealing with something reactive but its more subtle. I don't know what to do with it. I am conflicted in some ways, I'm not sure about it. I mean it is reactive in nature because in some moments its here and its not. And I know I do want to change it. But I don't have that vigor/readiness, and I don't know exactly where to start/go like for sure.

I suppose that's why I need to just try. I need to try things out cause I don't know. I mean it is what I have been doing for sure, trying different things with it. And now part of my conclusions is that I need to live what is best for all more, especially in these moments where I don't know exactly what to do, I don't have that confidence. But I think this means something, this is a kind of lesson. Its a kind of practicing to live what is best for all, even when you don't know, even when its like I'm confronted with people doubting me, or at least it feels that way.

I feel vulnerable, I feel soft/supple/sensitive, and that's not bad. I also feel genuine and relaxed and kind of at peace very strangely. I also feel like I got a realistic grasp on things in the world, and in my life.

I suppose I look back on my past blogs where I have been super confident about things, where I knew what to do and what to say and where to stand. And I am comparing myself to back then. So yeah, I'm here now. I'm not back there. 

Change is good though, it means I am trying new things and I am exploring other parts of me. Who knows? Maybe if I walk this through I can gain access to more sensitive sides of myself that I can express more confidently.

Sometimes in life we have to be lost, and that doesn't mean I have to just sit around and not try to express myself or expose myself to the world. I am walking through something, this is real, this is what I'm really going through. Ideally I would walk it all within understanding with solutions in place for everyone else, but I don't. So I'm really walking this in real time. And again, part of the solution I am seeing is to walk it like this, to try to speak/live what is best for all and this includes writing blogs on what is here.

So there is no inspiring words in this blog, it is me really expressing what I am going through, and not having all the solutions/answers.

When I am in such a space within myself I do stick for and look for words or principles that I can hold onto. And I try to identify the problems/issues.

In some ways I feel like a novice, that I am incapable of doing some things. I feel weak. Its mostly in relation to the world out there, to this world system. And yeah its tough. Its about how to be in relation to the world, how to be in relation to people. It's about how I am alone in this world, in not having the advice or understanding from others to navigate it and also receiving bad advice as well. It's like I really have to depend on myself. I would rather have someone guide me, but there isn't any such person, even though I think there should be. And I also feel/sense that most people have went through or are going through the same thing. That people just stumble through the world not really knowing where they will end up.

What I am faced with is the reality of the world system we have today. It does divide us, it does classify us through many ways/rules/definitions. It does it through clothes and clothing, through religions and ideas, through money, through education. And for me its weird. For me I have been pushing to see everyone the same no matter their backgrounds, and so for me it wouldn't be strange being friends from a working background, an educated person, or religious, if you want to classify it as that. But I am seeing how in just a few words/moments people do judge. And for me its weird.

I mean when I think back to when I was 18, I would have said of course people judge! Of course everyone is wearing a mask and is pretending. Of course! So I guess in some ways I have changed. I have made many efforts to get to know various different people and it has worked. I have changed since back then, but at the same time its almost like I am a new person to the world and I am disturbed/shocked and I don't know how to navigate the world. One thing I know how to be for sure is myself.

And that's another thing, where being myself leads to others reacting. And then its like, I'm not sure how to be or what to do. And the lesson here is to do what's best for all. To try to say something or do something. I know that there is so much I can't control. And so I have to accept a lot of things that I can't change. But at the same time I need to try my best and keep trying and not give up. This world is like this, it will resist you, it will bring you down, it will find a way to mess things up. But I have to keep trying and going at it, and keeping being me, and keeping being what is best for all.

Something I am realizing for the sake of practicality is that with the word Welcoming I can see what people are welcoming to me. This can happen in a conversation or interaction, I can see if someone was indeed welcoming to me, and inviting me almost. It's definitely a sign/indication that I can continue to call this person or see them and have a really equal conversation with them. And I don't think its because of anything I did in particular, its really how they are responding, and almost like who they are, and maybe in relation to me specifically? Again, its not something I control, but its something natural. Natural in the sense that I didn't control it or manipulate it. Which when you are free of that burden I mean that is what natural is isn't it?

So this is what I am concluding, that to be welcoming to everyone is important, so I need to do that. Because when I was shy and quiet I didn't do that. And just like how I am being welcomed by others, then I need to welcome others too. So it works both ways. And so the idea is that I pursue the relationships with men and women that are welcoming in that particular sense. I suppose I am using a word here to refer to something which you as a reader can't really know. Because the other dimension to this is when people are not welcoming. And so I can divide it clearly between the two: welcoming and not welcoming. And its not a judgment but an observation based on what is here.

One point is that being welcoming to others is very important since I don't know who is going to welcome be back, but at the same time its not the idea of having to welcome others against their will or anything like that. So really its about pursuing those talks and interacts with people who are welcoming you!

So something I observed which is very important is how there are people who are not welcoming you but are making the effort to talk with you and respond, but in such interactions the person is having a secret agenda I suppose. What I am saying is that the welcoming point is not there, and its like an interaction with a person which is one you are soon to forget. Its not very memorable or impactful. Yet you could pursue the interaction if you wanted to. In the end though what I found was that that welcoming point was lacking and it didn't have that fulfillment or that sense that you are really with a person. It's odd. But its an important lesson. It shows/reveals something real in the world that can be found/encountered.

I mean, people are all different, and maybe someone is not welcoming to me because they are racist, because they don't like young people, or males, or whatever. So again, its a theme of not really having control/say over the person/moment. And its really about just putting yourself out there, being welcoming to everyone, and seeing who is welcoming to you in the conversation/interaction and then pursue that!

The idea is that it will be harmonious and natural. I suppose there are people that are doing exactly what I am saying in a very instinctual and intuitive sense. They just do it, they go after and pursue what is welcoming, harmonious, and they don't pursue what isn't it.

Obviously I am doing something different here, I am walking with it aloud in a very specific writing and sharing it online. But its something for me to learn and realize. Because we aren't all preprogrammed the same. If anything, I was preprogrammed to go after the interactions that are tough/unnatural and inharmonious. I can't say why I am like this, but I can say I have been disappointed many times.

The same goes with career/jobs. Obviously too, or at least it should be, its better to work with an employer who is welcoming to you. Now I was about to write: wants you to be there. I just did write it, but I deleted it, since there is a difference here between someone welcoming you and wanting you to be there. Again it comes down to ulterior motives or secret agendas. People are selfish, and so maybe they want you to be around so they can fill the position, but they don't REALLY want you there, does that make sense? So its odd but its like they are choosing you, but aren't welcoming to you. 

In the case of relationship, the analogous point would be someone who really wants a boyfriend but feels like they can't get who they want. And so when they see you then are like kinda of choosing you, but within that belief like they don't have other options and so they are kinda forced too. So that's why the interactions are all forced and unnatural. They aren't welcoming you, but are still pursuing that relationship anyway because they REALLY REALLY WANT IT.

So with an employer maybe they really want that position to be filled but they aren't welcoming you for some reason. Maybe its a judgment of your race, or your age or they don't like your personality or whatever. At the same time an employer maybe forced to pick you but they also are welcoming. So really it comes down to that dimension of welcoming. Let me define it.

Welcoming is like feeling like the person is there for you and has got your back. That you can go to them with your concerns and worries and they will listen to you. That they are responsive to you, that they are listening to you, that they are wanting to help you, and they sensitive to your needs/concerns. I mean yeah that's welcoming for sure. And with that definition I can easily classify people and my interactions with them into those two groups: welcoming or not welcoming. They either got it or they don't. And again, why that is? I don't know. But for now its not about understanding why. Its about respecting that I don't have control over others, and also to go after the opportunities presented to me. These are the people I can pursue interactions with and they are welcoming, so then DO IT!!!!!! And these people aren't welcoming, so don't pursue it. At the same time I see its practical to check in every now and then with people who aren't welcoming. Because I remember when I was 18 and I was so shy and I wasn't welcoming to others. I know people can change.

An important point is how stable the interactions are, meaning for people who are welcoming that they continue to be so seemingly endlessly, I mean for reals Im not joking. And every person who was not welcoming and for example also TRIED to be like interested, but obviously not really interested in me, then it always ended not well, it wasn't natural and they became reactive.

I suppose it can be considered a judgment to say they became reactive, but at the same time I know that throughout my interactions with such people, I always continued to be me and expressed me. So it really wasn't just the right fit. You could say that they were always reacting to me since the beginning but they had an ulterior motive, they wanted something so they suppressed their reactions. And its something that I can see clearly if I compare it to people who are welcoming and so are obviously expressive in an genuine natural sense and it is a stark difference.

For me what is odd is that I don't pursue the people who are welcoming. Its almost like I interact with them, but then I don't call them again, I don't pursue it at all, yet I pursue people who aren't welcoming. I know it sounds stupid, and it is. Its a pattern/system, and its one I can change.

So practically for jobs, its best to also apply to the positions/fields that you are welcomed in now. Meaning that they need you, and so they want you. I mean obviously within that you will have an interview and have a sense of what its like. But its one of those things that you will know intuitively. Just like how I am seeing all of this now, I do have that intuition, but I haven't been living it with awareness within my interactions and making my life better.

So I will be calling people who are welcoming and it doesn't feel natural AT ALL. I don't want to do it!!! But its good for me. I mean it sounds stupid but this is my reaction/resistance. I don't know why. But I know relationships with people are tough for me. Though having that interactions with people who are welcoming isn't like anything else, and it makes a big difference. i am not some almighty god who can just endlessly interact with people who are always resisting him and I can stand find within that. I do need the people who are welcoming and so are supportive and attentive to me. That interactions are so fucking good! i mean realy!! I have no idea why I don't go after it! But I should obviously. Let's just chalk this up to my preprogramming. Its a way for the system to control me and prevent me from expanding and growing and being Strong within me.

So this is the word welcoming. And how I am using it to help me divert my time and my choices for career, friendships, for places I live too. I mean its about all of my human relationships you can say. Obviously I may not be ABLE to control every situation and decide in a way that is best. But I mean the issue here isn't that, but that the fact that I am NOT PURSUING the really welcoming relationships when there is NOTHING stopping me or preventing me. I can do it. I can. But I am not. And why is that? Its resistance and its the mind. Its my pattern. So this is what I am faced with, and the point here is to always choose YES what is welcoming, I mean of course! Always choose it where all other things are equal. It is great, it is an important factor. Yes it is!



Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Day 738 Here's a Cat

I just finished watching stranger things 3 and its 1:38 am exactly. And I have an Image of a cat here. This is my life. I'm writing this blog because writing one blog does make a difference. A single word can make a difference. I know it sounds corny and cheesy. I'm 29 now as of July 13. Did you know I was born on Friday the thirteenth? So, yes I'm 29, and I feel the weight of it. I can see myself getting older. And I feel the weight of Tiredness, of apathy, of the world being so big that how can I possibly change it? How can I change it one word really? I mean really? Yes really. With one word, with one blog, with some moments out of my day I can help change the world. The world is big. Really big. But we have to do something. We have to try.

When it comes to the world we have many problems. We have problems with our system. We have problems with needing to make money in order to eat. We have the problem where we need to do jobs that aren't best for all, that's only existence is to make more money for someone else, and that the main goal and motivation is to make money. We have the problem of a lack of spirit too, a lack of will-power to really change thing. We have the problem of a lack of vision and understanding of the problem.

We are many people. The main thing we have to do is to really figure out what's going on inside us, inside this head of ours. To really understand what it takes to change who we are, ourselves, this personality, this way of being. To really understand so deeply and so wholly that we do change, and we can change with our willpower and direction. Like an exact science or an art. And we do have to do this individually as ourselves. I mean a real detailed self-research, and self-exploration into the deepest depths of us, of our minds, and self, into the very building blocks and core of self.

This is a tremendous thing. I mean countries and nations have invested many efforts into figuring out how to control the dangerous public, to educate the populations. I mean it works I suppose. At the same time its not true understanding. You have the blind leading the blind. People who don't really understand their own minds, going ahead to teach others what it is. I mean what are people really teaching in the end?

The world is big, really big. And just one mind, our own mind is very very big, its vast. I know it may seem stupid but just saying this makes me feel a lot better. Like saying the truth. Its a big task ahead of any of us who dare to walk the entire mind, and walk the entire world process. Its not easy. There's no guarantee for success. Failure is likely. But maybe I have watched too many movies since saying that is getting me a bit pumped actually, haha.

I suppose if I look at it, I'm happy in knowing that I have a chance to do something real, to leave a real impact, on a very deep and real level. I mean, how many people can say they are walking the depths of the mind and actually have the descriptions of what it is, and have the tools to work with it, and have the backup of other people to do it. Its like a secret agent thing or something. I know I will get old and die or die young. But at least tonight, this blog is mine, I'm owning it. This is my baby and creation, an no one can take away my word. No one. Not tonight, and not right now.

I have a sense of a blind optimism, which I like. Believing that things will work out. Maybe not for me, but for others, for someone 200 years from now, because of my efforts. In some ways the fantasy is more real than the current reality. I suppose the future is a kind of fantasy isn't it? Yet if you really want to create something that will last, well you have to have that vision/fantasy of it and know that its going to be about something futuristic, something that will take a long time and effort and planning and investment.

In the mean time, I'm betting on the small moments in my day adding to the bigger picture. I'm betting on me. I'm betting that I'm worth it at least, that having that blind sense of integrity, doing something because it is right, it is best for all even if no one is looking. I'm betting on becoming my utmost potential, something almost godly, at least in the most practical sense. It's important to have goals you know? To have that vision.

Because otherwise I can see me wasting away, and just coasting by. I don't want to coast and wither. I want to expand and create. I want to see a new me, a different me. Something grand, something really spectacular to behold at least in my own eyes. I suppose I can always be a villain in someone else's story. It's something scary and intimidating to dare to take ownership of myself and not be defined by others, and what they think. It's dangerous. Or is it? Do I trust me to actually be what's best for all? Am I worthy of that trust? Or am I just fooling myself? Maybe at least asking these questions is a good start. Though I do believe there has to be something within us that knows. I mean its so simple.

The weight of the self-doubt and the powerless is heavy. Do I believe there are people that should doubt themselves and second-guess themselves? Hell ya. Do I think I should? I think I shouldn't. But I still do anyway. Well, here I am. I do have a deep sense of powerlessness and I do feel powerless when faced with it, odd huh? But I am reminded of all the possibly and potential of me and others. I see the things I want for me and others. And I remember that I can really change this experiencing by committing and sticking by to some basic principles. To always find a way to do what's best for all, to always try to find a way. However I can. I can write a blog. I can write privately for me. I can try something. I know it sounds stupid but I think that's what the system wants you to think. Like the world system wants you to think that its hopeless and pointless, and that the only way is to make money and join it. I know that's not the way and I know its not stupid to write a blog and TRY. People do give up trying. People do get older and they give up. People do let the system get to them. And so its important to not let it happen and to try again. I think we can all agree on that?

If we are going to fight or live for something let it be for Life itself! Let it be for each one of us, the life in us, and around us, and in all of existence everywhere. Can you see the value of life everywhere? If so then remember it and don't let it go.

It's 2:17 am now. I know things are going to work out for all of us, and for life everywhere. Everything we live is temporary and for a time. And we have what we need to be happy and fulfilled in us and in our life. But it has to be earned/lived through the self-process. Its not earned through money and ways of the system. We'll do it, I believe in us. Have a good night!