Friday, May 27, 2016

Loneliness: Why does it Exist?

So I am walking a process now, specifically with loneliness. It will be a process meaning this is something that won't change instantly, and I plan on doing several blogs on this point, at least 3. So right now, today, I am using the support of the Eqafe interviews. Specifically from the Atlantean series: Loneliness: Why does it Exist? - Atlanteans - Part 127   So my plan is to write out my realizations, insights, and self-reflections here that I had today, and to do so for tomorrow or the next day which I will also be listening to the next part in the series. Doing this I will give myself time.

So for today, these are my points. I see how indeed loneliness is an emotion that is defined as "it is not okay to be alone." Meaning that I have lived this as it being alone is something negative. This means that I have indeed been feeling negative when I am alone. This also means that when I would interact with people, that I did so within the desire to flip this polarity from being alone to not being alone. So essentially I would interact with people within the desire to not be alone. This meant that I would do things, which would compromise me, because I desired to not be alone. This included changing who I am, becoming a different person, so as to not be alone. This is very clear for me. This is also clear for me since a very young age. It is also clear to me that this is still here, and still a part of me, and it hasn't changed.

I realized that I have done stupid things because I feared being alone. I realize that I am having a hard time in finding and doing work, because I also am fearing being alone. This happens because when I present myself it is within the desire of no longer being alone, so that is what I communicate in who I am, in my presence. I realize that how I act, and what I say, is not the real me, because I am acting within fear of being alone when talking and behaving with people. I realize how the fear of being alone or the desire to no longer be alone, is creating great consequences for me, and has in the past as well.

I realize that in a greater context, that in history, that groups of people, and whole countries and societies start wars based on fear of being alone. This is how. One person, lets say me, is afraid of being alone, so I join a group of people. I then do what they say. I follow them because I fear being alone. So one day, the group has a conflict with another group. So like the saying goes "you are either with me or against me." So because i fear being alone, I join in the fight. I participate in war. This is how war is created and perpetuated, through the point of fearing being alone.

I realize that fear of being alone has become normal for me, so normal that I didn't even see it, and saw how I felt while alone is normal. I realized that I have defined a great extent of who I am, in my history, memory, past, self-story, self-definition, etc... based on and interconnected with the fear of being alone. Because this is the case, it will take time to change. I realize that if I change, that my life will be much better. That how I speak will be more me, more clear, that who I am will be more clear to me. I realize that by changing this I will empower me within work, within presentation, within communication.

I share this writing for me, and so for all.
Thank you

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

My wants come first, or do they?

So I have been reviewing my life and what I am realizing now, within my recent years the point of how I placed my desire of wanting to connect with people, to have social skills, first before what is best for all. So I did just that during the last 3 years after graduating college. I went after what I wanted. So this influenced my decisions where I tried to work within a sales position, to develop social skills. Then I worked at a school, also as part of my desire to connect with people.

The result of placing my desire first before what is best for all meant that I choose things based on what I wanted, not what is best for all. I could have instead first placed what is best for all first, and then within that life path I could along the way get what I want. But then when I want would not come first or before what is best for all. So this is my lesson. Also really, in sales, I wasn't getting what I wanted, which was to really connect with people, intimacy, on a equal and one level. In sales its about selling, its not about real connection and intimacy with people. So its a job, that requires certain social skills that i don't have and am not really interested in for myself to develop. The same with the school, its a job, so it also requires acting a certain way. So what I am seeing that when it comes to work or a job, that the job/work needs to come first. Meaning that for me to produce the best result, I should align to where I am able to produce my best result, which is then with math. And within that, within a field that I am already much aligned to in how I lived this life, then I can do what is best for all, and I can get what I want. A job is a job.

What is best for all means that I take care of myself, and taking care of myself requires having a job and making money. To have a job that I am able to do well in, means that I am taking good care of myself. Within taking care of myself, along the way I can give myself what I want. But I can't make a living off of what I want, which is to have deep connections with people and intimacy. Because currently, and how the world works, its about making money, and there is no money to be made from being deep, honest, intimate, caring, with someone, unfortunately. There is no job I can go where that is my job. So I need to be practical.

However, within any job, and with any coworker, or person, I can be honest, deep, intimate, caring, potentially. But that is not part of the job, it would just be a part of me, and I would just be happening to perform some job/work there. So that is life, right now. My wants don't come first, they come second. But that's good for me, what is best for me, and so its best for all!

Monday, May 2, 2016

Record of my Journey

My plan with this blog is that I will revisit each day and add a new point. -4/23
Update: 5/17 I have been doing video logs almost everyday in order to practice speaking. See me here: For these days I haven't been updating this blog. But today I am adding a relevant/awesome point to read. Check it out below.

Living Words:
Living words are words that I am able to live in any moment, in this list are words that I am in a process of definition and redefinition, and of actually, practically & physically living.



(So I created a document of living words about a week ago from today. This was created as a response to a very specific moment where I felt distraught like my whole world was falling apart, and I knew how I felt wasn't the real me, and my demeanor wasn't the real me. In that moment a cat was meowing. I had the choice to go check on the cat and make sure it was okay, or to continue with what I was doing. In that moment I knew that making the decision to help the cat would be different than the state I was in, my current demeanor of melancholy. So I made the decision to go check on the cat, and already my spirits lifted. As I checked on the cat, sitting on the floor next to it, I petted him and asked if he was okay, and I started to cry. This moment felt pure, it was pure. And I had a memory of when I would BE like this, where I would be helpful, though at the time I didn't know that this word is what embodied who I was in that moment. As I left the room, I knew I was entering into the previous state I was before and that I would forget about this pure moment. Having been told by someone quite wise and experienced that he had a singular moment of realness and that he knew he had to hold onto that point and make sure it came through no matter what, and that is how he made it through mind, through ego, I made sure to do the same. That was how this process of Living Words started.

So my next step was to see how I can become this way. I am not entirely sure how the word helpful came, though who I was, and how I became in that pure moment was helpful. And when I speak that word, either silently in my head or aloud, I embody the point fully, which means on a physical level, where I physically move to be helpful, to help. So what I then did was test it out. To see how long I can live it. What I notice was that the word as me stood even when there were thoughts or emotions. If I felt or thought something I could see it in my body, but not associate with and become it. Instead I had the choice to forgive myself for it, and so take responsibility for it as a part of me, and so release it, thus continuing to live the word helpful. I wondered whether this living as helpful was indeed real or whether it was a thought combined with a feeling. So I tested to know for sure. So over the next days I would test whether I could speak the word, and whether I would move with and as the word helpful, thus become helpful, in any moment, especially in moments that were difficult that I felt any emotion that normally I would let it continue such as anger, irritation, fear, worry. I found that the speaking the word and so becoming it, actually supported to see the thoughts I was thinking and what emotions I was feeling. So far the word helpful has stood.

The other cross-reference (which means testing) I used was whether I could live as another word, so I picked Joyful. I found no such embodiment, no such becoming. Instead I had thoughts and emotions, such as thinking about making someone laugh, and feeling insecure. So what I deduced here, based on what I am seeing with Joyful and with Helpful, is that Joyful is contaminated with or containing all the past thoughts, emotions, memories as content that define it. And when I speak Helpful, I can clearly reference innumerable moments where I did live helpful, including moments where who I am as helpful was challenged. I know I can stand as helpful, and the reason why its so strong is because of how much and how long I have lived the word, where if someone were to come to me and tell me I am not helpful while I am living the word, I would just continue moving to be helpful, unwavering. If I applied the same challenge to the word Joyful, like someone tells I am not joyful, I would immediately my head down, and agree with them. And referencing my memories I never LIVED the word physically with my body. Whereas with helpful it was always a physical movement. I would physically move to help where I could. So the word helpful comes naturally to me now. My plan then is obvious. I will clear new words of their previous definitions and content, and live the word physically in moments until it becomes a physical living just like helpful, AND helpful is my base, my cross-reference to see how deep I have integrated the new word and how much it stands.

Now, curious is actually another word I can live to an equal degree as helpful. I didn't include it above for the sake of simplicity in explanation. But these are the only two words so far that I have found that are so physical, so natural to me. What follows below is my journey to live new words, through redefinition, clearing, and physical embodiment. I took the liberty to add some of the words I am working with, and I will expand and explain how I am living the words, in what moments, and why/how the word came about)  4/23

Joyful (Playful, Joking)
->Excitement (Expressive, Moving)
Stable  (Clear, Here)
->Grounded (Stable, calm, collected)
->Slowing down (Cool, Calm collected)

( So today let's open up the word Excitement. This was actually a word I saw and accessed today. And the story about how this word came about will assist and support you and many others to one day do the same. So the basic lesson here is that you can learn how to express live, and even identify such a word to live, through the actions and living of other people, including animals. So this morning my dog barked. He usually does bark in the morning. So today wasn't a different morning. However I did this morning immediately go to him to pet him and calm him down because we had a guest sleeping in the house this morning. But as I sat there with him, I actually saw how he was doing something, how he was living something. Something that I wasn't living, yet I could live. It would be different than how I was, but I could indeed live what he is living. So when looking at the word he was living I saw the word excitement as the perfect word! I knew I had lived excitement as a feeling and have written on this before, so I knew what it meant to live excitement as an energy. But here the dog was showing me how to live excitement as me, as my body. He was physically running, jumping, licking everyone every where, barking, all within the physical embodiment of the word excitement. It was completely unconditional, and as I was watching him I was reminded of my child hood where when I would wake up in the morning I had this desire or movement to run around the house and wake everyone up. I realize then that this was indeed what he was doing. So I decided to join him and indeed wake up. So I woke up and joined him in his expression. I decided to move myself physically, and I already had a clear reference for living excitement. So I ran around. I ran with him. I played with him, I petted him. I became excitement in my action and behavior. I chose not to scream or shout because I knew we had guests sleeping, however if I knew we had a community where I could indeed do that, that I surely would have shouted, yelled, whopped, screamed: yeah!!!! wake up!!!! what a glorious morning!!!! Woohoo!!! All while running through the house. I also then reference another moment of excitement where I saw someone else, a person, who lived excitement for a moment. So within that I knew for sure I had everything I needed to start living the word excitement as a living word as myself as my body. This moment proved and showed how you can pick up and learn how to live a word through the example of others. What also assisted me to do this was my previous investigations of excitement as energy. So I knew the difference between energy/feeling and actual living/expression.) 4/25

Alert, Aware
What is best for all: Investigate (Humility) > Decide/Commit  > Live (Diligent, Detail-oriented, Committed)  
->Intimacy/Depth: with in (myself), and with out.
Intimacy, Depth – living words or meditation?
->Equality and Oneness
->Access to the Quantum Mind “I just want to learn” “It’s just that I only want to learn from my past and make sure it doesn’t happen again”  -> Confidence, Clarity, Self-trust  -> Because I know that through time and effort I can change, or make anything. ->Self-Creation

Authority – is more me, the more I live as words.
->Take Responsibility for
Guardian, Protective, Stable
Gentle with myself
 Spontaneous  xClearx                                                                                

For chores, tasks, responsibilities =  helpful, oneness and equality, Best for all
For Money=  oneness and equality, Best for all.

For sex = Supportive
For when people call me names = Supportive
For when I get offended---- I just want to learn and Curious
Supportive ---- I just want to learn and Curious
Supportive  ---- Are you okay? -----Checking in with me/another.
Checking in
Here (Supportive and Presence)
Self-forgiveness (Supportive and Presence)

Potential Partner = Support, Checking in, Stable
Potential Partner = I just want to learn and Curious

Value, Meaning, Purpose (drive)
Consistency = how often I live as words.

For Communication = Comfortable

Embrace myself

(So this is a new word that I added today in response to a particular event which I would like to open up and share for your benefit and learning. So to start and without going needlessly in detail, while still explaining the point: some deep seated insecurities were revealed to me when someone was talking about something that didn't address me directly. I felt however as if this person was talking to me. So words they used like "just be yourself" and others triggered in me memories about the same moment repeating throughout my life where I just felt like crying because I am too weird, I am too different, that people just don't get me or understand me, and there is nothing I can do about it even though I desperately want to change it throughout my entire life. So within hearing be yourself, it was something quite laughable because I have tried that so many times without it working. People still leave me, people still don't get me or understand, and talking to them my truth or honesty just confuses them more and makes matters worse. I have felt frustrated, angry with myself and at myself. I blame myself because I don't know who to blame. Its like something is fundamentally wrong with me. So within all of this came the need for this word embrace.

So to really embrace me would me to really embrace me as is for me. So again, embracing me as how I am, what I am right now, and I do this for me, not for other people. See part of the reason for my distress is because it is for other people. So the point of embracing me is for me. Within embracing me I obviously want what is best for me, so I won't just never change. So here is for the reader to know that embracing does not mean the same as not changing. Embracing is like recognizing, like accepting. It is the honesty/truth that this is who i am, what I am right now. I don't suppress it or deny it from myself. I embrace me. 

The movement within me as living this word is a hugging of myself. It is calming, relaxing, stabilizing, and letting go. It is a constant presence. It is security, it is warmth and affection. Embracing me is making the statement that no matter what happens, I embrace me, that no matter who I am right now, I embrace me, that I may be the most evil person in the world, more evil than hitler, but I am still embrace me as who I am right now. I embrace me even if the entire world is falling apart. I will stand by and be here.  ) 4/27

What does it mean to be a friend?
-To help. To show up. To give. To soothe. To stimulate. To ground. To intrigue. To drive. To cool off. To bring … here.  
(So the above resulted as a continuation of the point from above on embracing myself. Within looking at how I was using the word friend, I saw how I didn't have a clear definition for friendship. And within that I didn't have a definition on being a friend, where with such a definition you can BE a friend to someone. So its something that you live. It is not something that simply IS, that exists separately from you and that requires two people. Being a friend is something that a person can live.

So to explain the background on how I came to the point above on defining friendship, so to give support and perspective and how you can come to such similar realizations. I had remember a movie called a it's a wonderful life. I never saw this movie and I only knew it had to do with facing great sorrow, great hardship, yet within that everything coming together and working out well. I saw this movie last night for the first time. And there were several topics that each could be their very own discussion. To summarize the point for you here, there was a guy who had integrity, who did the right thing for everyone, and he gave, gave, gave his entire life. Within that he was troubled stressed, and was overwhelmed. He almost didn't realize that the people in his life were his greatest treasure. And so they did give back to him when they heard he was in trouble. So this clearly showed the point of giving to all, and then receiving. Within that the a definition of friendship emerged. Where you BE a friend, that you are there for people, that you help where you can, you give. So for me that's what I set to do for me in writing.

Now, I started with those points of helping, giving, and then I saw more ways of acting and living opening up. It started to include soothing, stimulating, driving. Within that process I referenced my own living words that I have already written out, where were already livable to some extent, so they were clear. I started to notice how you can live any living word with another person, and that is how you bring that person to live the same word. For example you become the word driven, or drive, and with another person, and within that you bringing the word drive or driven within them. So its like you are transferring or activating the word within them. This is of course theoretical as I just wrote this out, but there have been people in my life that have activated driven within me through them driving me to become driven. So the same would go theoretically for any and all the living words: slowing down, grounding, intriguing etc...

So, another point here is that I know that I have to be my own friend. Which I realized was what I was already doing throughout this whole process of living words. The point that is missing here is to do that with me, for me, so its consistent. So to be my friend is to live the words, to assist and support me, to be there for me, to show up there for me, to bring me here for me, to soothe me for me, to drive me for me, to intrigue me for me, to help me for me etc... So the same with the example in the previous paragraph with driven, that I have to treat me as a person to drive. So I am being a friend to me. And that is how I can learn what it means to be friend.) 4/28

Insistence, Power, Force, Aggression, Intensity

For the above word, I wrote a story to describe how they came to be here.
Enjoy! 5/1

For communication= centered, present, hold the space, clear, calm, respect, remember
So I received these words from a friend. They are a friend because they gave this to me. They did not give it to me specifically, as in JUST me, and they gave it out to everyone to receive. Within reading what they wrote which was a sharing of who they are, I saw how they did indeed have something developed that I hadn't have developed in that exact way. Indeed, I could see how I would have failed in that context, in doing what they had done. So they had something to give/teach me. So I read what they wrote with that starting point. That is how I received these words above. And if you were to read what they wrote you could see how they specifically were supporting whoever was reading it to be able to learn from them and do the same. There is not much else to write here, because the process of someone else teaching you or showing you how to live certain words is quite short, in comparison to learning it through other means. So other people are the greatest, fastest way to learn and so live words, and so become what is best for all. So this is a suggestion to see who you can learn from, who in your life is teaching and showing through their example what they are living that you see serves what is best for all, as they are your teachers. Be on the look out for such opportunities to grow as that will accelerate your process of change. 5/2     


Awake Alert Aware Here Alive
So I am going to be talking about something which I suspect most will be able to relate to. For me it was an intense deep crush, or love. The other day I had an imagination where I imagined speaking with her, this deep crush. And when I did that I saw how I was speaking to her in my imagination is a side of me I don't show with anyone else, which I found interesting, because of how relaxed I was and how interesting I sounded and behaved, without any fear. So I knew that I had to look at this point and see how I can become this and live this in my daily life, as a part of me, not just living it with her. So I went to writing and wrote about my relationship with her. I used my imagination, I accessed memories and I wrote down what was here. So wrote the following: 
"She made me feel so good and happy. I enjoyed being around her. I wanted to be more for her. I wanted to give her everything. I feel consumed for a love and passion for her, to  honor her, respect her, give to her completely everything I am and have. She was my motivation and reason for living."

So I placed in bold these words after I wrote this. And the point was to identify the key words. So as I was writing these points down in relation to her, I was accessing a part of me that I had suppressed and separated where I was like this ONLY with her. This I saw as a problem because if I lived like this everyday, whether she was here or not, FOR ME, then my life can be amazing. So here is the basic point/lesson I want to share. That if you ever had a great crush or love, that chances are you have the same as me, that you have words that you have lived in limitation to just that one person, which if you gain access to to live as a living word that can improve your life and who you are. So this is a process I am starting and what I have shared thus far is where I am at right now. I identified the key words are the above ones: Awake, Alert, Aware, Here, and Alive, because that describes more what is happening on a physical level. What I wrote as a physical description of what I am going through is:

 "Physically my heart start pumping more, I feel physical strong, I feel physically ready/on, I feel physically warm, I feel ready to do/move" 
So a challenging point here I see is to work with the positive feeling aspect and the living aspect. That is something I am working on. - 5/17                                    

Sunday, May 1, 2016

The man who never gave up

Time to share a story... of a man who with a great desire, had created his own trap/prison.

So this man, since a young age had a desire to have a partner for life, a twin flame, a soul mate. He had spent a great deal of time fantasizing, hoping, wishing, with various potential suitors in his life. They were his secret crushes. None of them came to fruition. It wasn't until he was 18 and entering college did he have a real chance.

And indeed, it did come to pass. In the beginning the relationship was great, wonderful, amazing. However, suddenly and unexpectedly there came a moment where he had lashed out within anger. Earlier that day he had wanted his partner to do something for him. And when he didn't get his way he became spiteful. And so later on in that day when that same partner wanted him to do something for her, he gave her justice, and denied it. He spoke spitefully, he spoke in anger, and he justified it because he didn't get what he wanted. The partner reacted quite strongly. Immediately the man regretted what he had done, and became afraid of himself. His partner was telling him how he had changed, how he wasn't who she thought he was. The man started to question him, he was scared of himself, scared of not understanding him, of not knowing why he became this way. He hadn't been this way before, what happened?

The man was forever changed. He was afraid that somehow he would hurt someone again, even against his own will. He couldn't allow that. That would be unforgivable to him. He had to change himself, no matter what it would take, no matter the effort or time. As time progressed, he didn't realize something that was happening with him. He was changing. He became reserved, he started speaking less, he stopped smiling, and he didn't even know it.

That day changed him and it was because he didn't understand what he was afraid of, and didn't at that moment see how fear is stupid, that fear is useless. You see, he feared his own aggression, he feared his own force, his own power. At the time it made sense, because he thought and believed that it was the aggression, his force and power that lead to the event that he had created. What he didn't realize or understand was that it wasn't the force, or aggression itself, but what he used it FOR, and how he used it. He had used it for his own self-interest, for his own personal gain, not what was best for him, his partner and others. That was the reason. The aggression, force, power, wasn't at fault.

So, the good news is that the man was committed to find out and change himself. He was committed to do what is best for all, and become what is best for all. Because did understand in some level of himself that he wasn't doing what was best for all. So he spent years understanding how fear worked, how it was indeed useless. He showed himself this through countless examples, and countless moment, and he showed himself that he could indeed step out of the fear, and not have it define him, or influence his actions or decision. That he did indeed have power AND he could use that power to do what is best for all. This was a long, arduous process, that had its victories, its breakthroughs and celebrations in the small everyday moments. And one day, unexpectedly, he had the opportunity to again face himself and his demons.

This time, he took responsibility. Even though he had done the same as before, acted out in aggression for his personal interest, this time he took responsibility. And now thanks to the years of practice of investigating himself, questioning himself, laying himself bare naked in words who he was, and how he was being, he could see and understand what he had done those 7 years ago. And so he could finally forgive himself, and finally bring back the parts of himself that he had suppressed and separated which was aggression, insistence, and force. And now he has granted himself the opportunity to recreate himself, which is something he has been doing in everyday moments throughout the whole 7 years through the process of self-forgiveness and taking self-responsibility.

With these words aggression, insistence, and force, as living words he can utilize this to serve what is best for all, which is best for him as well.  Now he has access to expression again at what he had at 18 years of age. But, his journey isn't over. Life continues. What will he do next? Just wait and see.