Sunday, June 30, 2019

Day 737 Considerations on Grander Perspectives and Being Practical in this world


This Blog is Almost like a Thought Experiment. It is Reflective, and you need to Read it all the way through because my Perspective Changes in real time. So make sure to read it all the way through, I end somewhere differently than where I started out in the beginning. 


There is me as Yogan as my story as an individual...

There is also me that is not Yogan, that takes on a grander perspective, grander vision, that includes many more perspectives at once, and strives for what is best for each perspective.

When I live in this way of living from multiple perspectives or many perspectives... I become something different, I see things differently, I respond to situations differently.

It is a point of greater understanding. Understanding more perspective on any given situation or moment.

It is a point of living outside of my previous conceptions of my self of who I am, of Yogan.

It is a point of just having a body and just relying on that fact that I am anchored here in reality, and every thing else as thoughts, beliefs, emotions, opinions, reactions, personality, rules of behavior, doesn't matter.

I have my body and that will always be true, and then I can just go out and look at all the perspectives of things, of each person, thing, of reality itself and see okay, what is best here/now in a given situation.

My "story" doesn't matter, my "identity" doesn't matter. When I leave to take on many perspectives and see things from many angles and many parts of reality, then whatever that doesn't come with me on that journey doesn't matter.

Something my buddy said was to Test things out, and to not trust it. For me this was radical. Because I do see I go into point of wanting to say already that this is trustworthy or not...

When it comes to what I wrote in this blog I do have this experience within me, I do change... 

Having a moment of change isn't new, like when I connect with a tree, I do have a change in experience of myself.

So instinctively I wanted to not TRUST this experience now with writing these words in this blog, because I don't want to risk it being of energy, which means of the mind and of deception. Maybe it is but I don't know it. So I am going to do the following: 14 days of testing it out and writing 14 blogs writing this way in this starting point. I want to see who I am within it, I want to see how I change. Will it be signs of energy? Is it something supportive like when I am here in my body breathing? or connecting with a tree?

I'm not sure. But I am willing to test it out and see who I am within it. Not to trust, but to test it.

So here I will continue the blog,

now I am feeling self-conscious and I am looking things within fear and within my limited perspective. To not look beyond what is immediately here. Beyond to the possibilities, beyond to the potential, beyond to the future, beyond to lands across the earth, the people and things, the struggles, the issues, the wars, the potential in people and situation.

I am feeling self-conscious, i am seeing things from my personality and limitation. I feel scared and worried that what I could be doing in seeing more than just me, seeing things from many perspectives and living as that in my choices as my direction in every moment.

Imagine if I were to enter into a moment where I am taking on the perspectives of the people around me, and taking on the perspectives of everything around me, the building itself, the dogs, the animals, the nature, the weather, the foods, the water, how much more would I be considering? how much more solution can I propose? How much more can I direct others through questions and suggestions? How much more capable would I be? I would see I indeed would become more capable and able in the moment to direct what is best for all when I take a grander perspective than just Me as Yogan as personality and story and as limitation.

Imagine me entering into a moment, into a life decision, into a commitment, and everyday life responsibility where I am living with this grander perspective and understanding, where within what I am doing, I am living it within understanding how I am part of a larger whole, and playing a part in creating something much bigger.

I feel uneasy and bit scared in living for something greater. I feel like I don't want to say that or do that. I feel scared and worried about living for something greater/more. 

The decisions I would make, the choices I would make, what I would say, how I would live, what I would do, what I would consider, that would be all different within living differently within grander perspectives of living for everyone/everything.

I notice I feel a doubt/fear within living for everyone/everything, where its a sense of dread, a sense of disappointment, and a belief that it's unrealistic and lofty and intangible and that I am not supported by others, by everyone, and I live in a cruel world. 

Yet still within my imagination and seeing what is possible, and the potential in each person, and how we could live, and how we could be, and how I could create such a world. To live for such a world, a life, a humanity, a reality. It feels unrealistic, hopeless, not sustainable, not realistic 

What it feels like is wanting to say I need to be realistic and live for me, and do right by me, and help everyone through me, then it will be trustworthy, then it will manifest as something real, then the truth will be known. What I can give as one individual, one human. I have limitations, I won't bring a new world by myself, but I can do my part and I can do my best within my part. So its not unrealistic lofty vision. I made a commitment to work in a specific career to make money that does make it as easy as possible on me, and yet still make good money and use that to support projects to be done in the world. 

So what I am feeling is like such a world is possible, the ideal world, but I cannot live for that world as my motivation/dream, I have to be practical. I have to see what I can do here/now and the effect I can have. Its not a point of giving up at all, but actually aligning with what I can practically do and achieve and working towards that goal. This gives me a sense of ease and understanding as well. 

So its about aligning my story, aligning my personality, aligning this self here that is one person and one perspective into something practical, into some goal, into a daily life/practice and in my case it means a career and making money. I am not giving up my grander perspectives, I am just refocusing and prioritizing my time. 

So you see this blog is a natural flow. I start with somewhere, i look at it, I consider it, I see what comes up, and I just roll with it, and I am honest with what was coming up within me. 

I still have access to all my knowledge and understanding and ways that I could see and speak things differently, its just not needed right now. 

Right now I am on a practical path, with a goal and vision that I am going to manifest no matter what. I am flexible within it. But my end goal is the same, to find a career that I can do well in, that is fairly easy for me, and I can make a lot of money. And use that money to support projects.

 

Saturday, June 29, 2019

Day 736 Sacred Feminine

 
So this word Sacred Feminine is specific. I have a specific reference for that word. I know exactly what this word means to me. I have a reference on how to live this word. I have lived this word deeply in various moments of my life.

The sacred feminine, I am using it to refer to the Real Femininity that is an expression of all Life, that we can live here as humans. Its something deep, real and certain. It is something that can exist here and lived very clearly. It is an expression here as oneself, with and as one's body. It is a self-relation, it is a self-movement. It is an embodiment of self, that changes our perception of things and how we take things in.

The sacred feminine is not something lived widely by people. It is not widely found or widely seen. It is highly rare. Taking my life as proof to me, I see this to be the case. Yet I have seen the exception, the few who did live it for a moment.

I am interested in living the expression that I am referring to with these words. I am also interested in living the sacred masculine. I have more often lived the deep femininity so it should be easy for me to align with the feminine. What's interesting is that the sacred masculine sees more rare.

Masculinity has been warped into aggression, anger, competition. When in fact the sacred masculine is not that at all. I can also see it clearly as an image that I can see out in the world. I have a few references for the masculine. Its fewer than the feminine.

I can see how living both expression would radically change a person's expression. No more fear, no more anger, no more doubt, no more insecurity, just clarity and stability. creativity, and expression. Its interesting that neither real masculinity nor femininity exist readily in the world in the people.

Children actually live the real masculinity and femininity more so than adults, so there are some glimpses there and some reference there.

For such references of what these expressions mean, I do have to turn to something of an ideal, since the average person does turn into a reaction and doesn't really live these expressions of life when its really needed. I don't have a in flesh person who can be my example/reference. But I do have glimpses from people, from media, from a deep knowing within myself. What would be the ideal person, I have such a perspective of real masculinity and femininity. It is unbound from the idea of this humanity, of past, of our society. Its about what is best for the universe, for the life of everyone. Something beyond than what is here now among people.

I have a practice then, an assignment/homework to live this daily, regularly until it becomes normal/natural. To have that reference clear within me and live it.

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Day 735 Friend




I am looking at the word Friend today. And with looking at this word I am reminded of one of my very old friends, the Trees. There have been times in my life where I didn't have any human friends, actually for many long periods of my life. But the trees were a old reliable friend. There is a book called the Giving Tree. It helped me see that Trees are alive and that they give themselves as how they describe in the book. And I remember my mom telling me to stop hitting a tree with a stick, and how it feels pain. Trees do bleed sap. I remember I would draw trees as a kid

There were specific trees that I would go visit. Some when I especially was sad and lonely. Resting my head against the one branch of this one tree. I would look at a tree and I could see all its splendor.

I could hear in my head the voices the trees and plants would make, or at least I would imagine it. How I would say hello silently within myself to them, and I would hear right away how they say hi back all cheerfully. People aren't that cheerful or present. Life is splendor, every moment is a celebration. To be here, to be alive, to see and recognize another, and to be seen and recognized while you are seeing and recognizing another, there's nothing else like it.

I would go into this space within inside myself that allowed me to look and connect with the trees, as I walk by. Catching a leaf of a bush and feeling it softly and gently between my finger tips for a moment before letting go. Seeing them as alive isn't hard to do its very easy.

They carry a wisdom when you ask them questions, maybe its me answering back, but regardless doing so with that intent of approaching a tree and asking a question, I also got support back.

I have forgotten the trees/plants, meaning that I do need to purposefully decide to look at the trees and plants and everyday objects in my life and see them.

These will always be my Friends. Whenever I choose to see them, they are here all around. My human friends are also special, its just different.

The animals, I see them as spirits, like the spirit of the dog or the spirit of the cat. Each animal species is an embodiment of their own spirit, and so each individual one is of that same spirit. So while I do remember and relate to my previous pets, I know and remember that their spirit is with all such pets. I will find the same expression in others because they are one.

These animal and tree/plant friends will always be my old time friends. Humans are more difficult, but the reason we are all here is to support the humans. And Human friends are their own unique gift. Each one is unique and we cannot compare between friends.

I am selfishly motivated by my friends, I am motivated for them, to help them, to be better for them, to be stronger for them, for us all. This is what has gotten me throughout all my years, my years in childhood, teens, and young adult. I know what matters and what's important and I keep it close to my heart.

Whenever I connect with such spirits or awareness, and I speak from that starting point, I do speak as them and it is deep and impactful, because I am seeing things from the grander perspective, from the perspective of oneness and equality and of the truth (note I am just speaking as myself but placing myself in different shoes). The more perspectives you take on, and the more you see, the closer you get to the truth.

I would sometimes say I was never alone, I have myself, but in reality I would connect with things of this world. The trees, music itself, a piano, food, the sounds and lights, the sky, and I would do all of this amongst people. Connecting with this leads to connecting with the entire world, and with a grander perspective, I can see the world that is possible, the life that is possible.

Connecting with such points made me seem special, cause I could do things like look at snails, or sit quiet for a long time or seem calm all the time. When I was just looking, busy being here, living in the moment. At the same time in my years growing up in school I was surviving. I would retreat to the natural world in order to recuperate and find refuge.

With Desteni I could do the impossible and face the emotions/reactions that burdened me and prevented me from expressing with people and in public. My mission/goal when I was a teenager was to become enlightened so that I can help people by showing them the way. I also had a desire for a relationship with a partner, my soul mate. But throughout this, who I am, my words and mission stood firm. With finding Desteni it was simply me being me still. It was an extension and continuation of myself: to help people through finally understanding how the mind works, and being an example.

My motivation is my friends in all their forms. The trees, the people, the pets, the substances/materials of the earth. So here I reaffirm my motivation, my original motivation of why I pushed further, why I dared to go more, deeper into the truth, why I pushed the boundaries... because the real world is here and worth creating. Simple.

Friday, June 21, 2019

Day 734 My Subconscious Muscle Movements from my Week

 Clenching my Jaw

Putting my teeth together, my lower and upper jaw together and pulling it in tightly. I feel Anxious about the exam. I think I am going to do poorly. I feel like I don't want to take the exam and I want to avoid the exam. I feel stressed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subsconsciously put my teeth together and close my jaw tightly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious about the exam
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am going to do poorly
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like physically avoiding the exam
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel repulsed by the exam
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not want to take the exam
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am going to do poorly on the exam

when and as I see myself putting my teeth together and pressing them together and feeling anxious- I stop and I breathe- I realize that pushing my teeth together doesn't help me to do better on the exam- I realize that feeling anxious about the exam doesn't help me to do better on the exam- I realize that when my jaw is clenched that I have more difficulty speaking loudly and clearly- I realize avoiding the exam and avoiding studying for the exam is not going to help me on the exam-

I commit myself to practically work with preparing for the exam
I commit myself to rest my body well before the exam
I commit myself to support my body to be well and be its best through stopping these subconscious muscle movements.

Pulling my Stomach in as Subconsciously Nervous


Pulling my stomach in, and feeling nervous about the exam and being prepared for it. Pulling my stomach in makes it more difficult to breathe because it restricts the stomach from moving out in order to fill with air.

Thoughts about how I am not prepared for the exam. "I can't do this." "I am not prepared" "I am not ready." "I am not going to do well." And I feel nervous with these thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subconsciously pull my stomach in when I am nervous
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous about taking the exam
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i am not ready for the exam
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can't do this
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am not prepared
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i am not going to do well

When and as I see myself subconsciously pulling my stomach in when I am nervous- I stop and I breathe- I realize feeling nervous about the exam won't help so its to simply forgive and let it go- I realize that I have been subconsciously pulling my stomach in while I am nervous which is a tension, is a strain, is like an involuntary muscle response, and is preventing the relaxation of the muscle and preventing breathing normally- I realize that pulling the stomach in doesn't make things better, it doesn't prepare me for the test or make good use of my time- I realize that feeling nervous is a reaction and doesn't help me to practically change and make things better-

I commit myself to do what I can practically can, which includes resting and relaxing and breathing easy
I commit myself to effectively rest and take breaks within and around studying and working


 Smiling curling lips up and Being Right


I am so smart, smiling curling sides of lips up--- I am happy I got something right. My dad telling me I am so smart

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy that I got a question right
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel self-worth and value in getting a problem right
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy that my grandfather gave me money for when I got that math award
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to curl the sides of my lips up when I got a homework problem right
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy and excited to be right

When and as I see myself feeling happy and excited I was right and curling my lips - I stop and I breathe- I realize that being right is not what matters and it doesn't give me more value- I realize that I am not a better person for being right, and answering problems-  I realize that I am myself no matter what-

I commit myself to support myself to remain stable without changing my perception of my self-worth

I commit myself to stand here within my self and not change my self-value

Sad and curling my lips down


My sides of my lips curl down like a sad face- the curling down is focused where the lips meet my cheeks. I am sad/upset that I lost points in a homework. I am sad and upset that I cannot change it. I cannot get those points back. I missed my chance. I believe I am powerless. I believe I am in a powerless situation. I believe I have failed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am powerless
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am in a powerless situation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have failed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a failure
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there is nothing I can do
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad and upset
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believed that I missed my chance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad and upset with seeing I lost points
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to curl down the sides of my lips where it meets my cheeks, when I have lost points in a homework
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and and upset with I lose points in a homework
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless when I lose points in a homework
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am powerless when I lose points in a homework.

When and as I see myself feeling sad and curling the sides of my lips down- I stop and I breathe- I realize that whatever I lost it is not something to feel sad about - I realize that believing I am powerless cause I loss something is not well for me to do- I realize that I am capable and have power to do something- I realize becoming possessed with sadness and curling my lips won't change things, won't enable me to use my power to direct things- I realize that I can learn from failure and loss so that I can do better- I realize that perfection is born out of many failures and that includes the failure of reacting with sadness and curling the sides of my lips.

I commit myself to see what I can do and then do what is best from that

I commit myself to support myself to learn from what I failed at

I commit myself to do better next time

I commit myself to do the best I can do right here and now, wherever or whenever that is.


Tuesday, June 18, 2019

Day 733 We are a People

What is it that matters in Life or to Life? What is it that matters? What is the core purpose or meaning to Life?

Many people have asked this questions over the eons of time and generation. Many have died throughout this time. There were also many that did live before they died. Where are all on different points in Life, with different families, backgrounds, power... Many of these things we were born into, yes we were. But its not about what you were given, either as challenges or gifts, but who you were with the life you have been given or born into. Will you turn challenges into gifts?

We are all being tested in this way. We are all being challenged in some way. We all have something to learn, something to do, something to expand upon. What is the meaning/purpose to Life?

I would say that whatever you DO with the Life you have, that becomes your meaning/purpose that you are living. Whatever you do and apply here, now, today, and then tomorrow and the next day is your Living Purpose/Meaning. That is real. Its not an idea or aspiration, it is what happens. Who you are within your life, what you do with it that is what matters, and what defines you. So you can have some lofty goals or dreams, but what you do to get there, that is what is real. What you practically do to manifest/get to a point that is what is real. Everyday we are building our lives and our purpose. Every day.

Within that Doing, you have a reason of why you are doing it. That is what defines you as well. Why do you do it? Why are you living your life and your decisions? Who are you within your Life, within your decisions? Why do you do it?

We aren't all that different as people, as beings or entities that exist. We all exist. We have awareness. We can move and do and decide. We all apply our effort to something. And we create this world together.

I have found the greatest meaning/purpose for me to life is people themselves, or beings, or the awareness of things. I would call plants as people, animals as people, objects, mass and material as people, the beings that exist everywhere as people. Each are unique of course and different. I won't treat a tiger like a human or a human like a tiger. But I see in the heart of things, the value is the same. No matter how despicable a human being may be, who they are at their core, their potential of being, is the same. For me the greatest value is recognizing the value in all of us, and then practically working with people and seeing that potential develop slowly over time. To see that come out eventually, and to play a role in that. There are various roles I can play that will help with that, and none of these roles or actions are lesser or greater. Its simply what is needed. But people, is what at the heart or core of meaning and purpose is for me.

I do want to leave my mark, to leave my best that I can do. I have limited time on Earth, as do we all. We all will die. Its best to make the most of it and live for real. I know that through me living and supporting others that it will accumulate over time and be carried on by others after me. And even if it doesn't, if it fails, then I know I still made the right choice and gave everyone the best of me, the best chance, my darnest to help. So I will be satisfied either way. But man, when I do see someone's potential grow, I can't help but smile and feel a warmth in my heart.

I am a person, and together we are a people. I receive value from living as a people that reflects what is best for all. What more could I ask for?

www.desteni.org

Monday, June 17, 2019

Day 732 Caught my Attention



A moment where my attention got zoomed in focus on something/someone. Here the mind is activating. It is clearly the mind. Thoughts started to stream: maybe they are doing some activity, maybe they are secretly angry at me. Maybe they are doing something intentional and its direct at me! I don't want to see this! I also can't help but look! It has caught my attention, i am looking at it.

So I had obviously shifted into something. I had a thought/opinion about the situation about what to expect and about the scenarios that could be happening. I was emotional already. It felt real and it caught my attention.

I notice this aspect of having my attention caught is a red flag for the mind. My attention was shifted. It became zoomed in and focus on this thing that was happening. I didn't want to look away, I wanted to pursue and look at it more, and at the same time I didn't want to look at it, but I couldn't move on.

So all of this is obviously the mind, its clearly so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have my attention caught
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be shifted into the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be zoomed in on what was happening, not wanting to look away, yet not really being able to move move on to something else
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about this person and their intentions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about how this person is thinking about me and is looking to get back at me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be paranoid that they are secretly angry at me and are doing this because of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be worried that they are doing some activity
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that they are in a reaction and they are doing something to get back at me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to look away
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am unable to look away
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to know what is happening
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to see what happens next
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it has to be about me, what they are doing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that someone else is reacting with me as a trigger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worried that I am the cause of other people reacting
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself if other people react to me as a trigger and use me as an excuse to react and do consequential things.

When and as I see myself having my attention is caught - I stop and I breathe- I realize that I have shifted into the mind- I realize that I am zooming in on something and can't look away and this is the mind- I realize that I can look away and stop this mind participation- I realize what I am thinking is reflecting the emotions and feelings I am experiencing- I realize that what I am believing about them and me is in my mind- I realize that I don't know their intentions, I don't have access to their mind/thoughts- I realize that if they are having reactions towards me that it is their mind and its not who they really are- I realize that we are all individuals in existence and we are in this existence together-

I commit myself to be supportive to myself and move on from the zoomed on focus or have to know whats going to happen
I commit myself to be supportive of my fellow man and be understanding to them when they are in their mind and reacting
I commit myself to not expect more of people than what is realistic

Sunday, June 16, 2019

Day 731 Competition with men for women


Competing with men for the favor of women...
in other words competing with men for getting with a particular woman of interest. You know, relationshippy stuff. I am seeing a dimension of this. Seeing how I do smile subconsciously in hearing how a guy was having difficulty in his life. I smiled caused I saw him as a competitor for getting with a woman. I mean it seems very primal and very obvious like why it is and where its from.

So I can see how in my mind how the thoughts move to the line of thinking about paying attention to him and him getting in favor with some female. Like I know when I am paying close attention to something that this happening in front of me--- its like a heightened awareness and zoomed on focus on them... are they hitting it off? I can feel like others guys know what I am talking about, and women too... like in those moments your mind can't help to go to seeing or thinking whether there's a connection going on between two people, and how you may be feeling personally concerned, stressed.

Its very obvious.

Here's SF on the point
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel in competition with other men for women's attention or favor
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I need to compete with men for getting a relationship with a woman
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to smile slightly subconscioulsy when I hear my believed to be competitors, the men, having difficulty in their lives
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed and concerned when hearing that a man is having a good time with a female and they are hitting it off and having a nice conversation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my mind to go into a line of thinking about a man and a woman and about them and how they are doing together, within thinking of them while within worry, while seeing it like a love movie, that they are going to get together, that it is going to work out well for them, and seeing as me being left out and having lost.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I lost to a man if he gets with an interesting woman.

When and as I see myself smiling slightly with seeing another man having difficulty- I stop and I breathe- I realize that we aren't in competition, he is not my enemy- I realize that we are two equal people- I realize that we are brothers of Life/existence- I realize that I do want this man to be well and have happiness, achievement and accomplishment in his life- I realize that I do want this best for this man- I realize that we are in this life/existence together

I commit myself to be supportive of the man

When and as I see myself thinking about a man and woman and how they are doing in terms of getting together or hitting it off- I stop and I breathe- I realize that I am in a line of thought that is part of my mind where I am concerned/worried within being focused on them two getting together being a loss for me, losing to this man, and a reflection of me- I realize that its not a reflection of me if a man and woman get together- I realize that it doesn't involve me whether two people, a man and a woman are hitting it off- I realize that i didn't lose, and that I am not in a competition to get with this woman- I realize that both this man and women are two people of life/existence, and I do want what is best for them - I realize that its best for everyone to live their lives, meet each other and naturally hit it off or not- I realize I am not in a competition with other men

I commit myself to be supportive of a relationship between two people, and be supportive of each individual person.

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

Day 730 Stop trying to control others


Controlling another's perception of me.

I choose to let go of controlling another's perception of me. I choose this even if they have the wrong perception of me, a judgment or a reaction. It is the responsibility of each one to walk their own process and direct themselves and their perceptions of others. Its not my responsibility to do that for them, and that even includes their perception of me. I choose to let go of trying to control others perception of me. I choose to not define myself or react to how others perceive me. I choose not to decide for others how they should view me. That is entirely up to them.

I am not here to walk other peoople's process. I can give suggestions, yes. I can show the tools and the process that can be walked. But its not my responsibility to walk it for them. The perception that  each one has is entirely up to each one of them.

I realize that it doesn't reflect me what someone else is thinking of me, or what they think I am. If someone comes to me and reacts heavily and tells me all sorts of things about who I am, about what I am like, about my intentions.... I can just stand there and listen. I don't have to react and try to control what they are saying. Its not my responsibility to control their perception of me or even what they say. That is their responsibility. My responsibility is what I say and my perception. I am not the one that controls whether someone else reacts to me.

The idea of controlling another, that isn't part of any relationship of Life. The full potential of relationships among people is not controlling others. Living our fullest potential in relationship would require walking as equals within our own process, alone yet together. WE are not here to control others and decide their fate and force them to walk with and make that decision for them. That is not best for all or self-honest. Controlling another's perception of you or their decision, or their ability to direct themselves and say what they want, is not part of anyone's responsibility, except each one has to walk their process alone.

We each are equal in the eyes of Life, we all have to walk our own processes and we are not here to control others and decide their fate/future. We can show the tools and the way, but its up to each one. It always will be, that is the nature of Life and oneness and equality.

If you allow controlling others within you, then you allow controlling within you. You are allowing yourself to be controlled/directed in your reality. If you are looking for others to direct you and motivate you, then you are also looking to control and motivate others. Motivating others is another form of control.

You are allowing a relationship of your mind controlling you, if you are allowing yourself to be trying to control others in your life, in their perception of you. If you truly just STOP, you will find that you are more free/clear. You are stopping trying to control others, and you are stopping letting the mind control/direct you. You are TRULY making a statement/stand of not accepting and allowing CONTROLLING in any dimension in this reality. This is what I am doing here. No more controlling allowed. Control is not part of Life. I don't allow control to exist in any of my relationships, which includes the relationship with myself.

Control is outlawed, banned, removed. No more, finito. Sianara,

we are each here to walk our processes. We each only decide our own fate, no one elses. Stop trying to control others.
😁

Monday, June 10, 2019

Day 729 I am me

So directing another person. I have been figuring this one out: trying to direct another person. Bernard said in a very short chat long ago how a partner has to direct the agreement. Does this mean directing the other person? I don’t know. Maybe he said a partner has to direct the other. Anyway.

The point here is no matter what Bernard may have meant or said, I am deciding here and now to not direct another, whether it be an agreement partner or any person really. Especially though in an agreement. I have decided that even in an agreement to not direct the other person. This is a big deal for me, to decide this.

I am going to let each person walk their process. Those who have the tools, have the tools, those who don’t have the tools, then if they are ready I will share the tools.

More importantly though in an agreement where you are spending such a life time with a person, to not direct the other person. I know its tempting, that is what I believed at least partly believed. This also includes when someone does flip out and go into a possession. I mean, I can suggest some points, but I am not going to take responsibility for them to stand. So yes, I’m not going to direct them.

Could I speak the words and direct them? Sure I can. I wrote out words for myself on how to direct someone with something. But for like the 10 minutes after I wrote the words, I know that this isn’t me. Me living this way, to actually direct another person. No, I can’t do that. This isn’t ME. It’s not. I refuse. I won’t direct another person. If Bernard were to come to me or anyone else and say I need to direct this person, I am going to say No. I won’t. I will support their process, if they have the tools already cool. If they come to me for support cool. But no, I won’t direct them. Even if they are suffering, even if it takes them 10 years, 20 years to realize their points that I wanted to direct. I won’t intervene. I will show them the tools if they don’t know and they are ready, but I won’t direct them, I won’t force them, or pressure them, or manipulate them. I won’t. That’s not who I am. I choose not to be that. I won’t.

This is my decision, and mine alone. This is who I choose to be. When/If I have an agreement with another individual, I won’t be directing them. I won’t. If the agreement ends after 1 month or year so be it. I won’t believe or listen to anyone saying I should have directed them or I should direct them, I won’t. They have to direct themselves and choose who they are to be. I won’t interfere and make try to make that choice for them. I won’t.

Living this way, I will die happy. No matter what happens, no matter if I never get into an agreement, or if I get into several and they all end quickly. I don’t care. I won’t let any of these potential futures or ideas influence my decision to not direct the other, and I won’t let it bring me guilt or regret if I look in the past and this is what happened.

This is who I am, this is who I choose to be, and this is where my heart/being is. I am me.

Saturday, June 8, 2019

Day 728 The Heat of yourself

Recently I wrote out this phrase,  "When you are really faced with the Heat of yourself, the Darkness, and the Deceptive Light of yourself.... no one's motivation or words will be the saving grace.... its all you baby! haha. We need Self-Willed individuals.... and that process is like the formation of diamond. Its under a lot of pressure and takes time."

And the specific words, the Heat of yourself is specific. It encapsulates and captures a very nice meaning, and real time moment with the Mind and reactions that I have lived and I'm sure humans everywhere have lived/faced. I would like to unpack this to bring attention to it, for it may assist others and its a very nice reference for that. I also will cover the solutions as well and taking responsibility as well.

Facing the Heat of Yourself

I notice that Heat is very much connected to two things you have Romance/Love, getting caught up in the heat of the moment... and also the moment when you are in a heated argument and got caught in the heat of the moment as that anger and hatred.

The latter moment is the one that is of more interest, but its worth pointing out how Romance and love can so easily translate into Hatred and Heat, when you really look at the playouts of what will happen over time.

So see if you have some nice memories here related to above... for me what I have faced even recently is facing the Heat of myself, as this instant moment of this burning boiling hatred in my stomach consuming me within silence. I had a moment of silent hatred. Though at my stomach and core of me it was burning hot. It was a heated moment. And my words were heated, like fire. It consumed me and became me like how fire will consume structures and materials, burning them.

So for me the reference of the heat of yourself is when you do feel that heat in your stomach and you become it. It feels right, it is what you do. It is the thing to do. You cannot resist the temptation... these words are similar to romance, it does provoke that imagery doesn't it? A burning desire, something you have to do, it feels right, and it consumes you.

I notice within the moment of succumbing to this heated rage/anger/hatred that it does overtake the head region and fills it with that energy stimulation of embracing what you are feeling, that hate and anger, it does feel like a bit of a buzz, a bit drunk on the energy. It is a slight experience, but an obvious one that stands out.

Becoming that deep hatred is just so easy and natural that it seems ridiculous to say that you are falling into temptation. If you fall into temptation every time, is it really falling into temptation anymore? Though that is what the process is about to STOP the point. The solution and path forward will require stopping in the moment of when that person says that thing or does that time that evokes your hatred that you do stop in that moment, you do freeze yourself.

For me at least, I do become this way with being made fun of, teased in quite a direct expense of me at least in words, verbally. And hearing that laughter, people laughing about me.... I do become livid to say the least. To say the most, I do see that as so bad, so evil, so unfriendly, so so deserving of some sort of punishment, deserving of my abandonment. I mean there are those sets of things that bring out this response, and that would include being abandoned for example. Being treated poorly especially by supposed friends. If my "friends" were to ditch me or abandon me, I would be so so livid. I would cut them off in my life. Such a thing has so rarely happened if ever. But it is primarily in TV shows and movies where I would see something like bullying or such nasty things, and I would state and say in that Hate about these bullies and people. I remember how one time robbers burglarized our house and how I also felt this HATE for them, this need for justice. So that deep fire of hatred for such thing does exist within me, and it does consume me in a moment, in a flash of brilliant light as fire burns through the core of things.

I become the fire, I become the point, I become the heat. And interestingly I do feel a heat in my chest/body as a physical cross-reference. So there is that physical indication in my body, which is quite cool.

So, while it is super rare actually facing something that will trigger this hate, like someone teasing me, bullying me, or friends treating me badly.... in that rare time it does occur, then it is here and it is not what is best, I am not in controlled and I am consumed.... instead of what is best which would be directing the moment and assisting and supporting the other, which it can vary what that actually could be. Maybe a friend is having a really bad day and they snap and barked back. Instead of being consumed in rage in an instant, I could be supportive and stand stable, knowing that they are not at their best and they are going through some things.

So its important to work on these points because in the process of being what is best for all, every moment counts, include the rare ones. It does require a level of perfection. Because while it would be easy to try to avoid people and cut people off who trigger this hate in me/you, that is not what is best, in terms of reacting in this hatred and making these kinds of decisions in hatred. Being a being who can remain untriggered would be someone trustworthy who can handle greater responsibility and challenges especially ones where you have to be in constant interaction with all sorts of people and situations, with all sorts of stimulation and things moving quite quickly. And so then being able to stand and direct every moment to what's best. While we are in reaction we are in separation from the moment and so not doing what is best. And Hatred is obviously a separation with another person, and preventing you to do what is BEST for them and you, and taking responsibility.

So I am opening up these points in me and I am in the midst of walking them. So I can see how easy it is to become hatred, how usual it has been throughout my life, in these rare occasions. And it is a weight/burden on the being/self/body. It is something heavy that weighs us down.

With the desteni tools it lays down the framework to walk such moments of the mind/emotion. The writing and self-forgiveness gives the ability to walk it piece by piece, bit by bit. And take responsibility for everything one said and did. The application of stopping will be the same, except one can approach it with understanding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the character of hatred
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish harm, and death to this person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate them laughing at me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be triggered by people laughing at me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when people laugh at me to feel hatred and become the hatred character
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this heat rise in my stomach and into my chest like a hot black smoke burning my lungs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this energy of hatred consume me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this energy of hatred burn my chest and lungs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself to embrace and be consumed by the energy of hatred
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let hatred as energy settle here in my body as its home and where like it belongs here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be accustomed to becoming the hatred character and feeling hatred in myself and body, and talk and think within this hatred energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live hatred as emotion within the Justice character
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to active the Justice character alongside and with hatred energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect I need this burning hatred emotion in order to carry out justice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the justice character as what is right and best for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that justice protects me and keeps me safe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that hatred emotion protects me and keeps me safe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that hatred emotion gives me the strength to defend myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become accustomed to this painful experience of having hatred energy within me as this burning smoke in my chest and consider that normal and necessary
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to protect, honor, and regard hatred
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view there being a role/purpose for hatred energy and the hatred character.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let hatred energy into my body/home instead of stopping hatred and just standing as the physical one and equal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak within hatred energy, talk within hatred energy, act within hatred energy, say things within hatred energy, and decide things within hatred energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to cut people off from my life within hatred energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust in hatred energy and like how it makes me feel
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good and believe I am good when i am within hatred energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like everything is right when I am within hatred energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I see someone else within hatred energy and speaking to me within blaming me, to also become hatred, instead of giving them time to cool off and not take anything they say seriously.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find it much more easier to actually commit violence within hatred energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow violence becoming something I can do because I have hatred energy within me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my chest to swell with hatred energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow myself to get caught up in the heat of the moment with hatred energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to being teased and made fun of
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with hatred energy when I am being made fun of and bullied
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hit bullies
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel this hatred energy when faced with a bully
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let hatred energy swell inside me when I am faced abandonment by my friends
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow this hatred energy in me when a friend starts to bully me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the hatred character and feel hate when a friend starts to try to insult me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be consumed in hatred energy that I make commitment to cut people out of my life and ignore them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to so easily be consumed in hatred and let it take over me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself be triggered by another being reacting with hatred and being mean to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let me believe its okay to be angry at some people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let me believe that there are bad people who deserve my hate
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that hate is a real thing that is good to live sometimes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that hate, violence and aggression as energy and possession have a place in the world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe its okay to react within hate sometimes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to believe that some people deserve my hate sometimes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need hate as energy for my survival
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I may need hate one day in order to do what I need to do to survive
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need hate in case I ever have to kill someone someday
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe hate is part of life and part of being human
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe hating evil make hating acceptable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get drunk/high from having hatred energy in my lungs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust hatred energy within me.










Friday, June 7, 2019

Day 727 The Secret Mind

So the secret mind is something that came up from desteni years ago. And today it came up within me as a support/explanation for what's been going on with this part of me. So my original idea of the secret mind was that it consisted of those thoughts that you were secretly holding on to.

With what I have been going through, the secret mind was the perfect set of words to explain to me how I could be having these thoughts that I have been having and not stop them. The definition I am using for secret mind now are those set of thoughts that I haven't embraced/accepted to be of the mind and requires just immediate stopping/recognition that this is the mind and isn't me.

So I have had a whole range of thoughts that are like that: thoughts that I haven't accepted to be completely thoughts of the mind.

The way I was looking at how this could be is the following. So you know you start walking process and you know what thoughts and emotions and reactions you want to stop. So you start with those. Eventually you get to the point of stopping most of those thoughts and reactions that you really wanted to change. And so you are left with what is left. That which you haven't been wanting to change for some reason. You would think that logically the thoughts that you don't want to let go would be things like dreams or desires, or fantasies or positive things that are too shameful to share or stop. In reality, for me, that's not so. In reality, stopping fantasies, desire and shameful things were very easy and on the top of my list. And in reality the thoughts here that are part of my secret mind are more negative, and self-negative, and self-bashing.

Why is this? So the reason why I am seeing that for me these thoughts are what are part of my secret mind is because the emotions behind that played a close role to my heart/being. So really feeling quite sad or distressed, and really becoming it in past moments. So really believing deeply that there is a part of me still within this thought and more importantly the emotion that is real that is a real part of me. So that is the belief. You can say it left its mark or scar, but in a way that it feels like it is me, it is my self-definition you could say.

So I was testing this point and this is what I found. So when I allowed the thoughts to be here, and see okay: this is a thought.... saying that point or seeing that point... I found that the thought and emotion didn't really move... it stayed still... And I could see that it still was considered and felt to be a part of me... However when I tested the following: saying that this is my secret mind, that this thought is part of my secret mind... Then I was like okay, I am stopping this thought now. So I was stopping it, and moving to stop it.

So here this isn't a question of willpower but more of definition and perception. Changing my perception and using the definition to help myself see something... that this indeed are thoughts and I am thinking them... and one thing I know and live is that if I have a thought that I stop it immediately no matter what. So that has been a clear living definition of mine. However, here was the case where I wasn't clearly seeing a thought to be a thought.

My proof of my application is how when I apply the point of seeing these thoughts as part of my secret mind and then I do go to stop it immediately and then its all chill/stable within me.

Now, to also help illustrate the point... I was testing these thoughts and they were of a different nature than usual thoughts that i have faced. They are thoughts that as if I am speaking and living them... they have that history of me becoming and living these thoughts, and sometimes speaking them. They are have that more intense nature, and "living" nature. At the same time though, the moment I call them as being my secret mind, then whatever strength they had dissipates. At the same time, if I don't call them out, then they do continue and ramble on in my mind.

Now, to be even more specific, the nature of these thoughts are that they are thoughts that I would live and form my thinking and opinions, and seeing and looking within. Meaning that in moments they would activate I did see them as a part of me, as being me. I didn't consider them to be thoughts. At the same time however, I have worked on a subset of these thoughts many times. Meaning that I attempted to work/stop certain thoughts for several years to no avail. Meaning that I knew that these were thoughts, and I wrote about them, but it wasn't enough to stop and change.

So now, however, I can change and stop them in the moment. So I can remember in the past I would try to stop these thoughts with self forgiveness directly and it didn't really work, meaning that yes it would kind of stop for a bit, but it would come back later.

Now, what I am living and experiencing with this application of calling this my secret mind is that point of like no secrets. When you have no secrets you feel quite good right? When you are really exposed and that's it, it feels really good right? So I think that is how and why it works, its that sense of freedom from secrets, like a burden's been lifted. No longer questioning or wrestling with the fact that is this me? Is this the mind? Is there a part of me that's real here?

So again, my definition of the secret mind is now that its those thoughts that we don't want to accept to be thoughts, and we haven't yet accepted to be thoughts and of the mind, still believing that there is a part to it that is real or that is us is some way or another. And again, its not what you may think or expect, meaning it may not be the stereotypical answer of secrets thoughts are like secret dirty desires for example.

So this all above is what I am finding and it is interesting. I remember reaching a point in my process where I was like now what? And going through all sorts of spirals and confusion and having certain thoughts stick and unable to really let go of them. And having this affect me and my words in how I write myself and express myself. I don't think its easy for anyone to really face that which they have been holding to be "as" the truth close to their heart/core. And so really let go of that "truth." Which of course was a belief all along. As with anything I do need to test this out in the long term, however what I am finding immediately here is promising.

So what I am finding immediately here is that yes I do go into those reactions where I do squint my face and move my head  and it feels like I am speaking the thoughts aloud, so that happens, but then immediately I call it out as being my secret mind and then it drops. And then I do have that sense of self that I have when I stop a thought and I stand as myself. This process is about stopping thoughts, emotions and feelings. So that living that is what I am living, which leaves me with that sense of self standing and directing and having that space here to direct, create and speak words, like I am doing here with this blog. I can tell that my words in this blog is of that specific nature and directed nature.


So an interesting cross-reference is that this secret mind is like a weight on my shoulders, where its correlated to my eyes drooping down. And when I am standing here as the point and supporting my eyes and body it is clear and obvious that my eyes open up. So that's quite cool.

Wednesday, June 5, 2019

Day 726 Explosive Revenge and Worthlessness Series/Collection

Series Explosive Revenge and Worthlessness 


I am a Bad person


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am a bad person for trying to help my friend
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am wrong to try to help someone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think its wrong to help someone if they get mad at you after
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am a bad person if I tried to help my friend and they lashed out at me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am a bad person for reacting to my friend lashing out at me, and wanting to no longer be their friend or see them again
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my friend lashing out at me, and wanting to no longer be their friend or see them again.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am bad/wrong for trying to reconcile with my friend with how they lashed out at me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am bad/wrong for trying to clear things up and bury the hachet with my friend after both of us reacted
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am bad/wrong for my friend resisting to reconcile and bury the hachet
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am to blame and I shouldn't have tried to reconcile and bury the hachet
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my friend is to blame for her own resistance to clearing the air and burying the hachet, I understand that we are all in different places in ourselves.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I was wrong for trying to gently bring up the point of clearing the air and burying the hachet, and reconcile, because my friend resisted
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it was wrong to care for my friend
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it was wrong to reconcile
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it was wrong to try to make things better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself because my friend got angry at me and started to ignore me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out at my friend by giving her the silent treatment and stating within myself that she's not my friend anymore
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of my friend leaving.
If my friend wants to go, I let her go. I don't regret caring and trying to help, and doing what is best. I will keep being myself, and keep my heart warm and open to all my friends, and be there for them if/when needed.

Brother my Brother

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Stage


FEAR AND WORRY
about how attractive woman sees me. I worry about their opinion of me. I am worried how they see me. I want to distract myself with PORN where its a world where women do ACCEPT me just how I am, and are attracted to me even. It gives me self value
- I am worried if a woman is mad at me, or just sees me bad in anyway
- If such an attractive woman were to give me helpful advice/criticism, I would totally react.
- I am unable to BE MYSELF while I am caring for their opinion, and pining for and making sure they view me well/positive.

Who am I? Living words.
What is best for ALL, Oneness and Equality, Patience.

Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about an attractive woman's opinion of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a woman on the stool on the stage in my mind, in the frame of I CARE about their opinion as I see them as a potential mate for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry I need to use this stage, that I need attraction, that I need to be able to be this way so I can get a woman one day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to protect the stage and justify the stage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear, value and care about the Opinion about me of a Attractive woman, and take on what they say as the truth of me, and who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pine for, and hope for, and do whatever it takes for a positive view from such an attractive woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to switch between woman to woman, a new woman to sit on the stool on the stage in the frame of my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow this frame and structure and system of my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow this existence of me living with this frame/structure within me of how I respond to attractive women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use/live this stage as the way to start and approach a woman as a mate as an potential flame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use/live this stage as the way to determine who I am, which then determine what I do, and so how I flirt, how i speak to such a woman, and how I initiate any relationship, contact and communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with hatred if such a woman who has been giving my positive value, suddenly hates me or rejects me, or attacks me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it as a betrayal when a woman who i have been receiving positive feedback, suddenly attacks me, or rejects me or is aggressive to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having an attractive woman angry at me, and to take that on as my self-value and self-definition that I did something wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to and take on as myself all of the things that a woman says to me, and who I have been attracted to and have a solid relationship of positive feedback on me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in this reactive way of simply accepting and allowing myself to become this and accept and allow all of these words/definitions, and becoming all of these self-values and self-perception and self-image and self-judgment automatically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider dating, and getting to know a woman to be this reality of self-image, self-perception, taking on the opinions of the other about you as the truth, and this out constantly, and constantly changing/shifting instantly/readily without consideration or seeing/deciding what/who i am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame/guilt if a woman that I find to be a potential partner, to be a suitable partner, or attractive, doesn't like that I am finding them as a potential partner or suitable or attractive, or is angry at me, or aggressive towards me or pushes me away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when a woman is visually and physically/verbally in anger, aggressiveness, or pushing me away because I was viewing them as attractive, a potential partner or suitable for me, that  I take that as who I am, my self-value, as me as someone bad, inappropriate, a creep, weirdo, mean, disrespectful, a bad guy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be direct with a woman if I am considering them or interested in getting to know them because I do see them as a potential partner, or that something may open up through spending some time. 

Living Word: Commanding
Where I command myself, command the situation- and so direct it to what's best for all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Conspiracies and Gossip



Forgiveness and Understanding where other people are at

To forgive them for they know not what they do
Cause we got systems inside of us
cause its a process to change
Cause reactions come out sometimes
Cause that's not who they really are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to being spiteful against them, see them as my enemy, as my betrayer, judas, competitor, rival, foe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seeing me in competition, fighting with, throwing remarks at them, passive aggressiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seeing we are at war as soon as we share the same space.

"Ex-girlfriend of the past"- women conspiring behind my back, talking about me, taking sides against me. Losing my friends

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everyone is against me, my friends, people talk about me,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am alone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I lost all my friends
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am lost
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that she is talking to other people about me.


 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Revenge

 
I had a moment of wanting to take revenge against someone. I felt happy in doing so. I did take an action of revenge. I did make a decision to take revenge. I did feel justified. I did feel like I had no choice. I did feel like I couldn't talk to them and be understood. I did decide they were not my friend any longer. I did decide that they meant nothing to me anymore. I did decide to hide this decision. While deciding that they were not my friend, I felt hatred. I felt I was with a stranger. I felt alone. I felt insecure with them and not safe, not protected, not cared for, not watched out for.

I felt like I couldn't share with them how I felt and what I was going through within me. I thought they were my enemy now, and there is no way they would understand. I decided this in a moment, one breath. I still feel this way. I don't know how to stop except through Self-forgiveness and writing. I felt betrayed. I felt like my world was turned upside down. I felt like I lost a friend and gained an enemy the same day. I am confused. I don't know why this happened. I felt powerless to change things. I feel like I can't convince them. I feel like they won't believe what I say. I feel like there is no talking to them.

I feel like I lost something. I feel like I lost my belief that we were good friends. I feel like I lost the belief that we could talk about anything. I feel like I lost the ability to speak to them. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore to them. I feel like I can't be myself when with them or around them. I miss that safe space of comfortability with them, where I can be myself and say anything. I miss them. I miss their presence in how I had known them. I wish I had the power to fix things. I wish that I could magically make things better into how they were. I wish we could have talked about things before it exploded.

I wish they had the same perspective as me. I wish things were different. I hope it will be different. I want it to be different. I don't know who I am if things don't become well again, and fixed. I think to myself: "how can I let this happen? Who am I if I cannot prevent something like this?"  I realize that its not up to me alone, it takes two to tango, there are two people here, this is the nature of all relationships in existence, Parent-child, Teacher-student, Friends, Lovers... all relationships.

I don't want to be in a situation like this again. I don't want it to repeat itself. I don't want to be powerless in a relationship ending, and there be nothing I can do to stop it. I don't want to invest my time and heart into something, for them to just end it. I don't want to feel this loss. I don't want to feel this betrayal. I don't want to take revenge. I don't want to make them my enemy. I want to take responsibility for my part, my contribution, what I said and did. I don't want to fear losing a relationship. I want to be what's best for all.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to take revenge against someone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take revenge against a person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy in taking revenge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to take revenge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel justified in taking revenge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I had no choice but to take revenge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I couldn't talk to them and be understood.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not try to talk to them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide they were not my friends anymore
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide they meant nothing to me anymore
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to hide these decisions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hatred while deciding they were no my friend.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like my friend was a stranger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure when with them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel not safe with them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel not protected by them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel not cared for by them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel not watched out for by them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I couldn't share with them how I felt and what was going on through/within me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think they were my enemy now.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like there is no way they would understand what I say now
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide within one moment and one breath these decisions about them, and about us.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel betrayed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like my world is turned upside down
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I lost a friend and gained an enemy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel confused
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I don't know why this happened
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless to change things
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I can't convince them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like they won't believe what I say
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like there is no talking to them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I lost something
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I lost my belief that we were good friends
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I lost my belief that we could talk about anything
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I lost my ability to speak with them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I don't know who I am anymore in relation to them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I can't be myself when with them or around them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss that safe space of comfortability with them, where I can be myself and say anything
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss their presence
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish I had the power to fix thing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that I could magically make things better into how they were
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish we could have talked about things before it exploded
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish they had the same perspective as me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish things were different
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope it will be different
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want it to be different
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not know who I am if things don't become well again between me and my friend, and so fixed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think How can I let this happen?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think Who am I if I cannot prevent something like this?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that its not up to me alone, it takes two to tango, two people to create something, so its never just me alone who's deciding and creating a moment when it involves the relationship with another person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to be in a situation like this again, where things explode unexpectedly
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want it to repeat itself between me and my friend or me and another person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to be powerless in a relationship ending.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am powerless when someone else decides to end a relationship, in the sense that it is their decision in the end, and that's been true and always will be true
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to feel this loss
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to feel this betrayal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take revenge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make them my enemy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for my part, my contribution, in what I said and did.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing a relationship


When and as I see myself feeling hatred when someone has said something that seems spiteful, bullying, like they despise me or don't care and are happy about it - I stop and I breathe - I realize that me reacting won't help- I realize that me deciding that they are not my friend and are an enemy won't help - I realize that if they are doing this with these intents then that they are in a reaction - I realize that I need to become support and align myself into a supportive role when someone else reacts- I realize that how I feel and reacting isn't justified- I realize that I can breathe and stop myself, and stop the reactions within me- I realize that i can embrace them for who they are, and listen to them- I realize if i was in fact danger that I can leave and pay for a cab and go- I realize that they may have been triggered by something I said and did and that people are all different and have their different weaknesses and triggers and that to me it may not make sense, but its the reality- I realize I can be understanding of someone else in their weakness, in what triggers them quickly/deeply - I realize I can be supportive through not reacting - I realize that my first priority in taking responsibility is in not reacting, and by doing that I am being tremendously supportive- I realize that by taking care of me, my within myself, I am caring for myself, loving myself, and being what I need for me - I realize that if I can take care of my inner space, then I can walk through such difficult contexts where other people react aggressively, and that I can stand - I realize to walk what is best for all is to be able to stand in all contexts that exist- I realize me reacting to someone in this way is a weakness of mine, is a blind spot in my process, is something I can take responsibility for.

I commit myself to take care of my inner sanctuary so that it stands and is clear within me in all such challenging contexts
I commit myself to stop myself when I start to see the reactions creep up
I commit myself to be steadfast and alert and immediately turn inward to check my stability
I commit myself to make sure I am ready to stop my reactions as they emerge in such difficult triggering contexts that are explosive
I commit myself to take responsibility for me utmost, and be willing to let the other person react/go where they go in their minds, in that I understand I don't have control/power over them, and that my way to help them is in me standing clear and absolute in not allowing the energies in my mind at all.
I commit myself to not judge a person by one reaction, one moment.
I commit myself to talk things through, and keep trying to talk things through and not let it explode.
I commit myself to keep trying to direct the points and the conversation especially as it gets heated.
I commit myself to make sure I stand in the conversation, unaffected by energies

~~~~~~~~

Bullies


To bullies: I don't care about you!

To people who insult me or make fun of me: I don't care about you!

A deep deep deep statement of I don't care about you. I don't care about your existence. I don't care about your suffering. I don't care about what you say. I don't care what you do. I really just don't care. I feel nothing, absolutely nothing. No anger, no irritation, no interest, no happiness about you. I don't react to you at all. It's like you don't even exist. If you want to make me irritated or mad, you are unable to. Cause I don't care about you, which is like the deepest level of Hatred for you. There's nothing deeper.

I have felt this way, various times across my life. I remember in middle school in the 6th grade, a kid was pointing his middle finger at me, and I went OH NO THE MIDDLE FINGER Sarcastically I am so hurt! Literally feeling this way, of like you mean nothing to me because you have insulted me. I don't care about what you say or do.

People who made fun of me, I would look them in the eye and they would be like DEAD to me, they don't even matter. My eyes became dead too, kind of sunken. Interesting observation/connection between my eyes and how I saw these people.

I would secretly hate these people. I wouldn't overtly attack them or bully them. I would just hate them and not care about them at all. If I saw them suffer or get in trouble, I would feel glee/happy. They were my enemies.

Me not caring about them, me having an expressionless face towards them or with them, was my way of hating them, of punishing them, of sending them that message that you don't even matter, you're nothing.

So I can turn with some friends and be happy with them, and then toward them I would be expressionless.

I remember this one girl in the 7th grade who was making fun of me for how I was cutting paper with scissors. And how I later on saw her at the school dance being alone and awkward. And how I gave her the stink eye. The same point of because she made fun of me, she was empty of a person, someone that deserved no love, no recognition, no happiness, nothing from me at all.

I hated people that I saw like this.I was righteous, I was casting judgment. I was deciding who they were, as either good or bad. Based on how they treated me once, I took that as the definition of who they are, and who they will be.

Sometimes my anger/hate would build into action or in how I spoke. And it was deep/completely here and me as my body, from my legs up. Just standing as that hate.

This is how I lived. Everyone who ever made fun of me in anyway, I felt this way about them. They were dead to me. It could be hundreds of other students, it could be anyone. And I just didn't care about them, and what they said. I suppose it was a way to survive school. Since I never took what people said personally in the traditional sense. They either accepted me (including leave me alone) or I absolutely hated them.

It happens in a second, in an instant.  The decision, the change of vision, the who i am toward them. And I feel it as a decision on my body, like deep in me, in my legs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the statement I don’t care about you
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish a bully by thinking that I don’t care about you
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “I don’t care about you” when a person insults me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when a person makes fun of me and laughs about it to think I don’t care about you
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t care about your existence
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t care about your suffering
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t care about what you say
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t care what you do
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nothing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view a person as if they don’t exist
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I hate a person through not caring about them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think you are dead to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give people the stink eye
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly hate people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be expressionless to the people I hated
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat people I hated like they don’t exist and don’t matter
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel glee and happiness to see people I hate suffer or punished
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate people through treating them as nothing and everyone else as normal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view people I hate as deserving no love, no happiness, no recognition, nothing at all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be righteous in casting judgment of people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide who was good and bad based on one moment of interaction with me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the hate as my entire body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to whenever someone would make fun of me to become this hate, wishing them to be dead
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in a instant decide/react with seeing someone as this bad person who deserves my hate/rejection from existence.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I am not Good Enough




I believe that I am not good enough for a woman, so I believe I need to do things like make the relationship go smoothly, gain relationship points, manage her feelings, manage the relationships, get cool points, say things a certain way, be a certain way, “At least she is seeing me in this way”  “At least this is adding to our relationship history” “I am proving/showing I am a sensitive guy” “Our relationship history is growing, that means something.”


“Don’t be too hard on yourself”


I believe that I am not good enough for a woman
I wreck things.
I mess things up
I have done bad things to women I have dated
I have wrecked my relationships
I have driven women away and made them uncomfortable
I have rejected women who wanted to be with me or get to know me
I have ignored women, and not listened to them
I am scared and shy and not confident in myself
I don’t have anything to offer to a woman



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress what I have done, and am living now: I am not good enough for a woman and I push women away, dismiss them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self-sabotage my chances with a woman, when things are going very well
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unable to accept and take rejection from a woman and so I rather just push her away
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push a woman away who was genuinely interested in me, open to me, talking to me, when they are normally reserved
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a woman feel bad by emphasizing to her that she is my Friend
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dismissive, and ignoring of a woman cause I fear her rejection of me, so I push her away
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have nothing to offer a woman
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not suitable for a relationship with a woman
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I will wreck my relationships with women
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will drive women away and make them uncomfortable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am scared, shy and not confident with women
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to prove myself to a woman, as I am not good enough at the start
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to convince a woman than I am good enough for a relationship, when I believe that I’m not good enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to lie to a woman to present a better image of myself, and a better image of how events transpired, cause I believe I am not good enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject a woman when she was interested in me and wanted to get to know me, and I wanted to get to know her, except I was too scared and believed I’m not good enough for her, so she won’t accept me, so I should push her away.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to win a woman’s heart and affection
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to convince a woman, win her heart, prove myself to her, as the starting point that I am not good enough for her, and so I need to make her believe I am, and so then create an uphill battle, involving lying, manipulation, a game, doing tricks, giving gifts, playing it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be petrified of her being mad at me for approaching her and being interested in her
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manage a relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for cool points in a relationship as a sign that its progressing well
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat relationship with a woman like a video game, I’m getting points, and its progress bar is filling
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe through ACTIONS, and DECISIONS I create the relationship, so I can manipulate it and make it go well
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not remember how its Who I AM that determines a relationship, determines what I do and decide.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of being myself since I believe I am not good enough
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not good enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to manage another person’s feelings and reactions and keep things going well
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in order to keep a relationship or build one that I need to manage another person’s feelings and reactions through the decisions I make and what I do and say
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be me, and share openly/freely as that me, that I live, and am living self-acceptance, and self-value
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for ways to be seen in a positive light by a woman.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage my relationships with women where things are going well, except I am so deep in my lack of self-acceptance, self-value, being good enough that I can’t take the rejection, so I push her away, create space, and treat her rudely.

I need to take responsibility, and then reorganize myself, reposition myself, defrag myself, and restructure who I am in relation to relationship.

I hope I can get back what I threw away. I do want it again. With someone. But I need to live the correction:

When and as I see myself reacting in not seeing myself as good enough to be with a woman- I stop and I breathe- I realize that this is a self-fulfilling prophecy, where by living this statement, I will push a woman away, out of fear that she will push me away, and so I literally make it so its not possible to be with her- I realize I have many great qualities, and I have a self that is here that can offer things to a relationship partner – I realize that its simply about being yourself and what a natural fit it is with a woman- I realize that there is nothing inherently wrong with me that would prevent me from being with a woman, except this belief that I can’t, because of this belief of my value – I realize that this belief is a part of my mind and a part of the memory store in my flesh and it can be changed as belief and memory- I realize the past doesn’t define me and that I can recreate myself in this moment forward- I realize that I should treat a woman like how I would want to be treated- I realize that seeing myself as not good enough and bashing myself is how I am treating myself, and so that is how I will treat a woman, so I have to prevent this-

I commit myself to LIVE myself, my self-value, my self qualities, everything that is me that I can offer to any person in any moment through me, with women…
I commit myself Be the My-self that is here, real, and what I have already lived and proven as expression, as insight, as history, as presence… with women.
I commit myself to share, stand within, and express myself with women.
I commit myself to live from my being/chest, and speak from there, as my deep, seated, rooted self.
I commit myself to offer my best to every person, including women I am interested in for a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear offering/being my best to women I am interested in a relationship in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am being FAKE if I am offering my best, being my best on purpose with women I am interested in
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to be my worse or so-so self with women I am interested in
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposefully live my worser self with women to drive them away or see if they accept me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live my worser self with women, and not my best cause I want to see how they react/respond
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am being REAL and self-honest in living my worser self with women, in testing them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being my best self with women, most stable self with women is presenting a false image and is ego.

I regret putting women through this.


 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Conclusion

I have walked more dimensions and SF in my personal writings in addition to the above ones, however they are too personal to share. So here I will be wrapping all the points together with what I have learned and my corrective behaviors.

1st, one thing is very clear is to be standing absolute in myself and not react or be moved no matter what someone says or does, and no matter who it may be. I turned into a silent hate, which I see is because I was willing to stand as what's best for all and direct the moment and myself. So its a form of self-hate. I went into hate because i wasn't living what I should be, what's best for me and the other by directing the moment and my words, and so I hated myself for that. It's similar to being angry at oneself when one didn't take responsibility for oneself and the moment. So that was my first miss-take, missed moments.

So main dimension I see about why I wasn't standing within what is best for all naturally, and to direct the moment and myself to what's best for all is this dimension of worthlessness, in not seeing myself as good enough to be with a woman. And in this rare case the stars aligned so that my worst self was here in the worst possible moments.

I have for a long time knew that relationships with women in a romantic/dating sense has been my achilles heel, and I have worked very hard at this point. Over the years I have made great strides for sure, and my relationships with men/males have opened up for sure where it is way more natural.

So what I noticed happened with this particular woman, was that the dimension of not being good enough for a relationship with her creeped in. And I started to treat her rudely and pushing her away over time. I was already possessed and within the point of weakness of not being good enough for any woman. So in the height of reactive moment, I had no chance already to stand up as I was already rooted in that point of not being good enough, which means powerless, weakness, and as well as distance, as I have already been pushing her away and becoming progressively rude and ignoring her.

This is a pattern of mine unfortunately. And fortunately I can correct it. The solution is to live my best self with women. It was odd to see how I would be living a lesser version of myself when I was a woman to like test her? to see if she would what, react? Its odd. So the solution is simply to live the overall goal of being my best self which is that self I am with my male friends. I am sweet, I am loving, I am considerate with my male friends. That is who I am, I am here with the person and I am excited to be here with them. So this is definitely a blind spot, and one I can for sure work on. Simply have to be my best self with single women basically or on dates. I can see how throughout the years I would become more rude and distant with single women. I never understood why exactly and I thought I was being respectful or a good friend. I know odd right?

So the summary of the points i am correcting so far:
1. Live my best self with single women, or you know, whenever that system activates of like: relationships, and I don't want them to think I am flirting or interested in them.... so I treat them rudely. Its complicated.... but when its here, I know its here, and its my responsibility to continue to be the real/natural me as living my best self.

2. So with living my best self I am challenging the point of Worthlessness and believing I am not good enough for any woman. So that should correct over time with application/living

3. Standing, and Commanding myself in the moment, and directing into what is best for all really should be easier within this context and walking the above points, especially when such a woman would react heavily. Though to be able to STOP myself no matter what, and stop the reactions absolutely is something I can watch out for. And so will be something that I will be eventually tested on. No matter the situation, to stop the reactions.

So a the point wasn't addressed but is important is how I realized my excitedness and starting point of my expression that I was directing was genuine and cool, and to not suppress that self-expression and stop being myself. That is a key point to be myself.

So a reminder to all that this is a multidimensional process and that there are multiple dimensions to the mind. So here I had multiple dimensions of myself running at the same time. Its not a contradiction. And this is how all humans are living as and existing as. This is the nature of the mind. The way to walk the mind is one point at a time.

So here you can look at how I was within a point of wanting to present a positive image of myself to a woman, and at the same time treating her rudely and pushing her away... realize that this is the mind... the mind isn't ME as the Being who is directing it within commonsense and what's best for all. The mind is in a sense Crazy. It doesn't make sense. It is not a thing that is living responsibility and it can't be, cause that is our lessons as humans, to learn and realize what we have been accepting and allowing.

The mind isn't a personal thing, and it doesn't make sense. Don't make the mistake of believing the mind is a person, or that a person who is living as their mind is a person, has that agency, has that awareness, understanding.... forgive them cause they don't know. They haven't walked the process. This process is real. The mind is a real thing, and through walking the process I am really changing, understanding the mind and applying the corrections:

My goal will lead me to be able to be myself with single women, on dates or otherwise. To be the same best self I am with my friends who aren't them. I am not perfect, but I am striving to be, and I will get there eventually. And I will have the understanding and the experience to be able to assist others directly, after I walk my process.

What has given me the root of myself to trust myself has been all the years of application. Who I am now with friends, mostly males, shows me who I am. It shows my heart, it shows my love, that I am living love as that real good love that is non-sexual, a real care, and really independent of the mind system of relationship. That I have proven to myself in the physical. Now with that proven living I do want to equalize that point with single women or such women who are triggering the relationship dimension. So that I do STAND as me, and be their friend first, and have this living as me clear. It's not easy. It is my achilles heal, and I am dealing with another person who is unique and has their own process. So on the one side I have where I am clear and strong and proven within. On the other is where its a crazy ass storm and confusion. So I have been rooting/grounding myself in my truth and proven living and proven relationships with people. So I know who I am and where I stand.