Thursday, December 28, 2017

Standing up to Abusers

I have been through abusive situations with various people. And in each situation I haven't stood up for whats best for all.

I will write out several of these situations. What happened. What I said, and did, and what the other person said and did. I will also describe how I felt. I will then write out how to stand up to the abuse so that it becomes what is best for all.

Abusive situation #1
A person wanted to discuss something with me and I was not interested. They got upset. They insisted and I also insisted no. Eventually they said I'm gonna take this glass and smash it over your head. I immediately felt scared, threatened and intimidated. I have been living with this fear for 2 years. And it has forever changed how I viewed this person and how we relate. In that situation though I didn't say anything. I retreated. I was scared. Now, what should I have done?

Putting myself back in that situation in my Imagination, and memory, I see I should have said the following:

I want an apology right now. What you said was completely unacceptable. I won't have this conversation with you any longer. And if you don't apologize and commit to never say such a thing again, I am leaving you from my life.

Now if this person is someone I work with or live with where I am stuck with them, where quitting/leaving my job is not an option, then what I do is to cut them out emotionally from my life. Where I don't acknowledge them, consider them, or see them as a person.

In some cases I could report them to the police or to the boss, or to human resources, however proof is needed, because many people in our society don't believe in victims of abuse. So the best option to to record what they say to you abusively. This may seem extreme, but if it comes between you having to quit a job or keeping your job, its better to keep your job and get the other to leave. Otherwise you may need to leave your work, assuming you have the money or someone you can lean.

If a person lives with you, then you either can move out, but again that depends on money.

Now, within saying these words and taking these actions it is the LIVING of taking care of oneself, protecting oneself, and standing up for oneself as an individual LIFE. Because all abuse is unacceptable. If you accept abuse to befall you, then you will accept abuse to befall on everyone.

Abusive situation #2
A person was upset that I made a mistake. They pointed there finger at me and upset with me. They were accusing me of being malicious and intentful. I was completely calm and explaining my side, except they wouldn't accept what I was saying. They didn't believe me, so they interrogated me. What I should have done is the second they raised their voice at me, I should have said: what you are saying and how you are saying it is completely unacceptable. You can perfectly talk normally with me. If what you are saying is perfectly fine they you wouldn't mind me recording it with my phone? If you don't apologize I will leave for good. (assuming this is a job I can live without) I will leave for good right now.

This was a situation that I should have left for good when it happened. I could have, I had the means, but I didn't. I didn't ask for an apology. I accepted it and just was quiet, reserved.

Looking at how I acted, being a victim means you accept other people abusing you. Being a false victim is falsely accusing others of abusing you. The best way is to get a hard recording of the exchange, because many people won't believe someone abused you.

What would someone that stands by all life, as one and equal do?  They would say what I should have said. To feel empowered enough to ask for an apology from then and there and stopping the conversation from going forward. And placing an ultimatum. If things are to get better, we need to stand to make them better. This may mean, yes, losing jobs, or leaving jobs. This may mean removing people from your life. This may mean moving. And yes, this is only possible if you have access to money or support from somewhere. That is also why its important to build a network of people you can trust, such as the people you live with. Its very important that if you have roommates that they are stable and not abusive. The same goes for coworkers and bosses.