Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Day 717 My Shame


 This is blog post is from my personal writings, unedited. I go through the point as it naturally opens up in me. One point leads to the next naturally. I start with what I know, SF on the energy experience: 

Shame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shameful
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with being a burden to my friends
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with making all of these mistakes across my life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with making all of these consequences across my life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with not knowing what to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with not knowing where to go
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with being lost
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with letting down my friends
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with making a huge mistake
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with seeing how I created consequences.

Across my life I have lived/felt shame without even knowing it.

Sunset Sudbury. When I got voted out of the school, I cried within Shame. I made the mistake of doing videos online about the school without the school's permission. They also weren't understanding or supportive, BUT I forgive them for them. I also didn't know what I was doing and I forgive myself for that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with making a mistake with the school, and not knowing that I made a mistake, and not knowing any better
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel blame the school, they also didn't know any better
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with leaving the school, and cry in shame.

My friends Across my Life
I had so many friends across my Life:
Grayson, Manuel or Manny, Aaron, Mr. Green, Mr. De La Cruz, Willi, Victor, Vicash, Anthony, Michelle, another Anthony, and others....
And I never really shared how much they meant to me, what I thought of them, how great they were. And I led them all astray, I reacted and ended things poorly, said something stupid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Shame in misleading my friends and mistreating my friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Shame in making the mistakes with my friends, not knowing any better, not having the understanding of myself of my mind to do better and be better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Shame always with what I did to my friends, and keep repeating it throughout the years with my new friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a constant shame for what I did so many times, to all these people, who all deserved so much better for how they were to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I can't stop Shame, that I should continue to feel Shame and never stop feeling Shame as my punishment forever.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I don't deserve Friendship without Shame, and I have to be afraid of myself, and I can't trust myself to be a friend.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow Shame within Me, and instead I choose to Learn and Correct me, I choose to be better for my future friends and current friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Shame with my friends, and so Act in shame with my friends, and so consequently do something that is shameful again, a vicious cycle.
I forgive myself for what I have done to these people.

My Backchat
My backchat has been based on Shame all along:
"Yogan you don't know what you are doing" = Shame
"You can't do this"  = Shame
I have been in perpetual Shame for years in my head. It has been a normal part of me and my daily life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Shame with Backchats
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Shame with being told or hearing that I don't know what to do
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Shame with being told or hearing that I can't do something.


Honoring my Friends
I never told my friends how deeply they meant to me. None of them: and there's so many.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not tell my Friends how much I cared about them and valued our Friendship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not honor my Friends, and be honest with them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not value people enough, Friendship enough
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not open up to people about how I care about them, how much I enjoyed them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not tell people all the great things I see about them, how intelligent they are, smart, funny, fun to be with, a father figure to me, a mentor to me, a role model, a great guy, a good person to have, caring, attentive, supportive.

They all deserve an effort on my part to say thank you and tell them these things. Maybe in a letter.



So many more moments
There are so many more moments of Shame, things I did and said to Friends. I will walk a process with writing a letter or contacting each Friend and in so doing clear the point. It will be brief and to the point, yet full and effective.

I really did care deeply about all of them. I shouldn't have treated them like that, like they were nothing. This shame is unhealthy, and me believing I deserve to feel shame, and that I will just be recreating the point is a misalignment to what is best for all.

 I remember EVERYTHING I did to my friends, everything. And I do feel shame for each thing that wronged them and there was so many such moments.




High school

Mr. Green – You helped me so much with that College Letter. You deserve a lot better than me. You were always so smart, fun, witty, and had a smile on your face. I’m really sorry about how things went when I saw you again with that sales pitch. You deserve better. I wish your family good fortune. You made my day brighter every classday. Thank you.

Mr. De la Cruz – I regret giving your hopes up. You are a good person, innocent like a child. I’m sorry that I used you for a sales opportunity. I wish I could hug you and just say that you are a great person and you make me smile just by being yourself. Keep being yourself De La Cruz.

Willi – I considered you my bro, my good friend. I liked having you near, by my side. I felt like I could talk about anything with you. I wish I could always have you around, with your warm smile, and warm demeanor. I wish I could hug you and say thank you, for making me feel seen and heard.

Victor – I’m sorry for bringing you into the sales pitch and just leaving you to dry. You deserve so much better. You are a kind person and have a sweet heart. You deserve so much Love. Thank you for showing love to me when I didn’t give you any.

Anthony Scavella – I’m sorry I never contacted you again, even though you are right there. You were my bro and treated like I was your best friend when you just met me. You made me feel seen and special. You always made me feel better and lighter. I really loved your smile and laugh. Thank you for showing me how to be a Friend.

Middle
Anthony – I’m sorry that I found you on facebook but never reached out. I just couldn’t, I hope you understand. You made me smile in middle school. You were my friend. You made every moment brighter. I wish I had the courage to talk with you and get to know you more.

Michelle- I am sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing, and I didn’t have control over myself. I’m sorry that things weren’t different. You made me happy with your presence and positivity and smile. I wish I could tell you that I did love you, and that I wanted to marry you, maybe it would have helped me not keep a secret like that. I wish I didn’t keep secrets from you. That’s the one thing I wish, including how I felt. No secrets.

Elementary

Grayson Chester – I’m sorry that the last thing I said to you was a passive aggressive comment. It slipped out. I’m sorry, and I didn’t mean it. You are my good friend, and will always be that. You showed me that it was okay to be me, to be myself, to enjoy video games, and talk about what I like. You treated me like a brother. I will always remember our times together, you made me a much more happier individual. Thank you.

Manuel or Manny Carrera – you were a douche to me a couple times. But as my friend, as the time we spent in ludlam. I loved you. I enjoyed your presence, I enjoyed hanging out with you. I enjoyed your confidence. I was glad to be your friend. I realize that I was never a good friend to you. I didn’t know how to be. I’m sorry for that, you deserved better.

Vicash- You were so cool. I’m sorry for the fight we had. I didn’t know it would be so bad for you. You are a good person. I wish I could have gotten to know you more before you left. I hope you are doing well.

Monday, April 29, 2019

Day 716 I have been a deceptive and self-deceptive being

Creating a Relationship of LOVE.....  in order to get the SEX.

Making a relationship with another human being on the premise of LOVE.... so that I can get to have Sex with them regularly.

Convincing them that I love them and want a long term relationship with them...... so that I can have sex with them as the Reason why.

The reason why I create a relationship with a person and tell its for Love, and that I love them.... is to make them agree to sex.

I speak loving words to a person, and make them feel like I love them, because I want to have that physical sex, because sex feels meaningful, and it gives my life meaning.




The truth of Sex is that it is meaningless entertainment. Sex has no meaning. Sex is meaningless. There is no meaning in sex. Sex is only temporary entertainment. Sex does not deepen a bond between person. Sex does not make one reach higher planes of consciousness. Sex does not make a relationship stronger or work. Sex does not bring two people together. Sex does not bring you closer to someone.


Using a Relationship based on Love, just so you can get what you really want is deceptive. Not being direct and say what you want is deceptive. Making Sex more than what it is, meaningless entertainment is self-deceptive. Making Sex give you some self-value is self-deceptive.



It would be honest and non-deceptive to ask someone if they would like to have sex with you, than to create an entire elaborate scheme of Love energy to massage a person into sex with you.

Some beings know this and they are villified for being direct about asking for sex.

At the same time sex is meaningless. So for beings that find meaning from sex, is also within self-deception.

Sex is meaningless entertainment. There are dangers to have sex with strangers= STDs.

Creating an entire marriage, and living together for 30 years just so you can have sex as entertainment regularly is self-deceptive as well as deceptive. Its a SAD thing. A video game is a cheaper cost.

Speaking loving words when the starting point is to get sex, is speaking only lying words. Its deception.

When a man can convince a woman into a relationship based on love when what he is actually out for is Sex, and that man feels no Remorse or Shame --- is someone truly lost and deserves to feel SHAME.

This describes me. I am sorry to the women I have spoken loving words to, because my starting point was to get sex. It was so much easier for me to lie and be deceptive, than be honest and direct. I am a coward. I wasted people's times and lives. I wasted my own as well. I lied constantly. No one deserves to be lied to, NO ONE. You all deserved better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak loving words in order to get someone into sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to so many people in order to get sex with them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be cowardly to not be direct with women and not lie.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take advantage of the trust of people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my word
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my image and presentation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as an Honorable and GOOD person, with Integrity
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as an Honest Person when I was lying to women straight in their faces
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel no remorse, no regret, no punishment as I have never been caught lying
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy that I got away with Lying to all these women, with all of them so far still having no clue, and believing that I loved them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself and hide the truth that I lied
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present a lie to myself and everyone else about who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use relationship, life-partnership as an EXCUSE/PROXY to just get what I really want, regular sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find meaning in sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find meaningful in sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find self-value in sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find purpose in sex.

I still feel no remorse/shame for all the lying I did. I want to, I wish to. I deserve to. All I have is this slight smile. I guess cause I was never caught

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel no shame or remorse for having lied
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel no weight, no responsibility for having lied to all these woman, people, and myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy in getting away with lying this whole time with never being called out on it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy with never getting caught lying to all these women, in getting them to believed I loved them, when really all I wanted was sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a slight smile on my face with never being caught, and never being in trouble for lying to these people.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy when people believe me, especially when I am lying
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy when speaking about my lie of Love
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find sex worth it, to find it worth lying for.



I commit myself to never use LOVE, LOVING WORDS, CREATE AN ATMOSPHERE OF LOVE TOWARDS A PERSON TO FEED INTO THEIR EGO AND LACK OF SELF WORTH SO I COULD GET THEM INTO A RELATIONSHIP AND SO I CAN HAVE SEX

I commit myself that if I just want to have sex that I ask it directly, taking consideration all the practical factors for my safety and well-being, but just yes ask directly, cause THAT is honesty

I commit myself that I don't use any form of a PROXY or roundabout entrapment to get someone to have sex with me

I commit myself that I keep separate SEX from Life Partnership. Meaning that I don't form a Life Partnership just to have SEX.

I commit myself to respect the Sanctity of forming a Life Partnership, and to not ABUSE it for sex.

I commit myself to not abuse sex by giving it more meaning than simply a meaningless entertainment.

I commit myself to not derive self-value and self-worth from sex.

I commit myself to derive self-value and self-worth from ME as Self and Living.



So agreeing with someone, Hey lets have sex? And they say yeah sure! That is honest. With no LYING beforehand, with no deceptive words, with no LYING LOVE before hand, or SETUP, or whatever shit.  However, finding self-value in sex is self-deceptive. Sex is NOT meaningful.


Photo: Slight Smile


I said above: I still feel no remorse/shame for all the lying I did. I want to, I wish to. I deserve to. All I have is this slight smile. I guess cause I was never caught

I KNOW that in some moments I have a slight smile. I am going to say I slight smile when I am lying or got away with a lie. So that is my face with I lie. BUT my eyes, I can in my eyes the remorse and feeling sorry. I fon't feel it, but I can see it. So my lips are showing the point of when I lie. 

I have been a deceptive and self-deceptive being.


And for those of you who may be idiots. I am NOT saying END ALL RELATIONSHIPS.
 FUCK NO. I NEVER SAID THAT.  I am saying RESPECT the Sanctity of Relationships. If you are agreeing to SPEND your life with someone and build a life, DON"T FUCKING DO IT, if all you want is SEX, or if that is a WAY for you to get SEX. DON"T DO IT. Its a lie. Go and have sex, that is more honest. Why is it easier to lie to each other than to be fucking honest. Don't LIE.

Many people are addicted to sex and find self-value from sex that is a PROBLEM too.  Sex is meaningless, has no meaning or higher purpose to your life. Don't Live for Sex. Thats a lie to yourself.


Sunday, April 28, 2019

Day 715 Thrill in Fights and Sex

Here we are again. Something new to name within me. An energy without a name, that is unique/different from the others. The name is Thrill. Its specific.

Context: Seeing others Fight
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing others fight
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing others emotionally fight
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing others physically fight
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing others react with energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing others speak in energy to one another in conflict
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing others argue with one another within energy
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing others get personal and attack each other with insults
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing underhanded comments and secret fighting going on through words
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing others exploit others weaknesses in a fight in order to get them to react and join in the fight
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing someone manipulate a crowd to fight emotionally and physically within energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing blood drawn in a physical fight
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to feel thrill in seeing someone emotionally hurt and triggered through an emotional fight with words
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing someone successfully trigger someone else's reaction as energy and seeing them possessed by it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  feel thrill in seeing the possessions of people to fight with each other, either through words or with their fists
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope to see others fight and to preemptively feel thrill in the anticipation/hope of a fight
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to edge people on to fight if there are signs of a spark to fight
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to edge/push people to fight emotionally if there are signs for it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in fights as emotional arguments, saying things that trigger people specifically.

This may seem an unsavory topic, but its true and real. When I scanned within me the other areas of my life that Thrill exists, the signature of when I had sex with my past girlfriends came up. The thrill of the moment, of about to have sex, of being in the situation and then having sex. And within that thrill I would ejaculate quickly. While I did question why at the time, I had no idea. The signature is specific. This energy is specific. Thrill is specific. All energy must end. I do this for me and mankind, there is no shame here.

Context: Preejaculation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when about to have sex with a woman to feel thrill, and within that thrill to already be ready to ejaculate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill within being with a woman naked
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill within holding a woman, being allowed to be with a woman naked.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill knowing I can have sex with this woman now and that it is going to happen
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill with starting sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill with the thought that I am having sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill within thinking about sex with women.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let thrill trigger ejaculation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let thrill exist within me at all.

I see that this thrill is present in every wet dream as the point of ejaculation. It is the energy responsible for triggering the ejaculation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ejaculate in a wet dream due to feel thrill in the dream
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill when dreaming grabbing woman, pulling off their clothes and exposing them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill when dreaming about naked woman
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill when realizing I am dreaming and then looking for naked woman to have sex with
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill when dreaming about humping a woman, or grabbing their breasts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill about doing all sorts of sexual things with women in a dream.

This same thrill is the same signature in looking at Porn, especially in my first memories of Porn.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in slowly looking at a naked image of a woman in a posing fashion for the first time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in no one else knowing what I am doing with looking at this pinup image of a woman
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in doing something I am not supposed to, since its something no one talk about, and yet I am doing it anyway.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing a part of a woman's body that I never saw before, that is hidden normally, and women feel/show shame/resistance to showing it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thrill where its like I want to jump up and down and run around the room and move very quickly, and also being very observant to make sure I don't get caught and lose access to this.

I realize that a lot of my experience with porn as thrill initially was just because it was taboo and secret, especially the point of woman's bodies. The thrill of doing something i am not supposed to. The thrill of doing things in secret. The thrill of being bad and getting away with it. That is specific.

Looking back across my memories now, I also felt that signature of thrill in having sex with a woman because also, no one else knew about it. I didn't tell my parents, even though it would be perfectly fine to tell them I was dating and had a girlfriend. I didn't announce it and tell it to people living nearby and around, and friends. It felt like being in the room, that it was like a secret. It felt like a secret, like something hidden that the world cannot know or see.

With the dream its the same thing, in the dreams it felt like everything was secret, hidden away. No one will know what I am doing. And so the thrill of doing it, and a getting away with it, with no consequence. That is what Thrill is and represents!

For the fights, the thrill is knowing that I am not supposed to feel this way with fights, and to support fights, and want others to fight.

Since thrill loves operating in the shadows, I bet you ten bucks that its going to be a non-issue, cause its strength was in its secrecy.

Okay so ENERGY you now have a name. You name revealed itself to me. It is thrill. And I see what you are, I see you are a part of me, and now I stop and redefine it. As energy you were limiting me. If I express physically with my hands, body, face as thrill including my voice that is cool. No longer will you just be an experience I feel secretly/silently within me as energy. Only physical expression is allowed. So this is what it will be.

Isn't it something interesting or Poetic that the Thrill is the same in the contexts of Sex and Violence? The secret is that it relies of secrecy. On doing something I am not supposed to. Something criminal. Subversive. The greatest thrill of all is Secrets it seems. Its awfully poetic that being expressive now physically as Thrill will redefine the point, since its no longer tied to secrecy. 

Saturday, April 27, 2019

Day 714 Flustered And Clumsy SF

Flustered and Clumsy
I had an energy experience and it kind of got me stunned/locked in position.

So I named the game. The names are Flustered and Clumsy. That is what I am feeling now as I write this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Flustered
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Clumsy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Flustered being afraid of saying the wrong thing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Flustered with saying something stupid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Flustered with coming across poorly
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Flustered with sounding dumb to my new friends
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered while imagining messing things up with what I said and people uninvite me to a hangout, or I get ignored from future invites
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered with imagining I am misunderstood or I say the wrong thing, or say the wrong lines.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered with my body and imagining i don't have control of my body parts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered with my speech
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered with how I stand and how I walk
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered with introducing myself to new people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered with shaking someone's hand and making eye contact and saying how do you do?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered with my abilities and capabilities
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered with speaking on a phone interview
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel feel flustered when dealing with the unknown and meeting people I don't know.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel feel flustered with directing myself and my speech and who i am in the moment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered with directing myself and the moment I am in, and the people in the moment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered in deciding what the moment should be, and who I should be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered with making decisions about the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered with making plans
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered with making commitments/promises
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered with directing my future
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered with determining my future people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered with creating my future experiences of relationships and intimacy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered with having self-value and confidence with people I know and care about
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered with being me with the people I care about
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel flustered with gifting me a good life, one that's best for me, and best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel clumsy in my dealings with people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel clumsy in sharing myself with people deeply
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel clumsy with being exposed for who I am with people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel clumsy with being scrutinized, observed, and critiqued.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel clumsy with gifting myself to another, with my time and my gifts/skills.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel clumsy with being real with another
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel clumsy with taking it slow and easy with another
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel clumsy with getting close to another
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel clumsy with listening to another and looking into their eyes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel clumsy with speaking from the heart
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel clumsy with being at ease with another in silence

Friday, April 26, 2019

Day 713 Today's Gift

I have been facing parts of me or a part of me that has been buried for a while.

And my response first/desire was to get it over with as quickly as possible.

This was a mistake. Its not possible to just get it over with NOW.

I tried to end it now, and it led to me suppressing the entire point

And there is great beauty as gifts of expression with this design.

Within my preprogrammed design there is within it my expression

It is me within it, and so I do need to release it and redefine it.

There is great beauty and playfulness and expression here locked within the design.

And the key to unlock it is to walk it step by step

Bit by bit

Piece by Piece

One step at a time

There is for sure things I have to redefine within me, to redirect it

I do have to adjust and change parts of me here within the design. I know it

But its not condemnation or slotted for total annihilation.

So I am going to be reacting

I am going to be in the design as it is activated in the moment, and I am going to have things come up that are not best for all. Yet within/between those moment there will be expressions and parts of me that have been locked away. 

I have to make peace with that fact that I will fuck up and say things that I regret, yet I also commit myself to work with each point as it is here in the moment, and to ask forgiveness and to LEARN from it, and DIRECT that one individual point.

I don't plan on keeping things AS THEY ARE. I am going to be getting better and being better with every moment. Slowly but surely

So I give myself this Gift.

Sunday, April 14, 2019

Our Fundamental Human Rights

Fundamental Human Rights

We all have the right to live well. Currently our system is a free for all bull-pen. Anything goes. We have some laws to control, but even the laws are hijacked. It is not at its very core a system of benevolance of love of care of life. It is a system of domination of advantage of exploitation of quick schemes, of cash of power.

Our current system will implode, devastatingly unless we change it. Unless we change what we believe is possible, and change what we believe we should do.

Its all based on belief. Money is also a belief. It wont have any power if no one believes it does.

If we start seeing LIFE as valuable, and start changing ourselves through our words, what we express and write, and what we do, so that we express the value of Life, then we can make it so. We can successfully change the system for real.

At the fundamental level we have to change the system. At the very levels describe here in this video.

We can invent new ways to relate, new ways to live together, to slowly and surely change the system. A true interconnected movement based on the principles of life.

You can start today, do a vlog or blog on this point. Speak it. How things should be, who we should be, and the value of Life itself.

www.Desteni.org

http://equallife.org/index.php/about

Day 712 Stopping the Mind? For Beginners

Continuing from yesterday's post: https://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2019/04/day-711-i-chose-to-live-more.html

If you are trying to stop the mind for the first time, you may come across the following.

You may feel crappy/weird/odd or even dirty in your body. The simple reason is this, you have so long been preoccupied and distracted in your mind that you haven't ever really felt what you really were going through on a day to day basis. So welcome to the real world AS they say in the Matrix Movie.

The basics are this: which you can find a nice summary on eqafe in these series https://eqafe.com/p/self-awareness-steps-for-the-elite-introduction-part-1  

So you have multiple layers to the mind. The first three are Conscious mind, subconscious mind, and unconscious. There are more. Anyway, back to the point. So just stopping that steady stream of thought already is a drastic change to how you perceive reality. Then stopping your energy. So Thought produces energy. That's the definition of energy in this context. That energy fuels your emotions and your feelings. That's what it is and what it does.

That ''Energy"/ That "Thought", is what is DRIVING You currently as a Human. Realize that every single group out there is promoting some form of FEELING like Love, or others... maybe HATE, maybe blame... See how in everyday politics how people speak in emotion, whether you are Left or Right. This point of "Energy" is missed. This is why no one changes themselves, they just Evolve AS this system of Energy. To TRULY change this world, we need to address the root of the problem, which is Separation from the Physical Reality. We are not HERE, as our words. We are creating this current world of separation, cause WE are the separation ourselves. We are judging parts of the world/mind instead of living here with and as everything.

Can you see what I'm saying?

The Energy is the Key, the Thought is the Key. Stop that, then how can you fight? hate? be irritated? react? speak within separation, and harm? All the current Love is twisted. Its energy is the same energy as hate. Cause Real Love hasn't been Lived YET.

Without The MIND and ENERGY you have the physical. You have the spoken/Living word. You can live and act and say NOW. You just Know it.

So if you feel crappy, realize that crap is you. It was ALREADY there. It wasn't created by stopping the mind for this moment. You can also stop those emotional experiences but its going to take taking responsibility and forgiving in order to change. All the tools are here. It is all explained. Just reach out and apply it.

Its a 7 year process for the first phase. It does take years cause you have done this already for years!!!!  The mind can be stopped bit by bit. Piece by Piece. There are only so many memories, thoughts, emotions etc... The Patience and consistency will yield the reward.

Saturday, April 13, 2019

Day 711 I chose to Live more Passionately

I choose to live more passionately in my blogs and vlogs, like how I used to.

I have held back for different reasons.

I have decided though that its worth it to do it, to live passionately in my words and expression as what's best for all and that whatever may come of it, I can manage it. Its worth it.

So lets start:

What is best for all and oneness and equality.

What is best for all is stopping every single thought. Every emotion. Every Feeling.

The Mind itself is based on Energy, and it relies on these points in the mind.'

The Mind mines its energy from the body. Yes mines. It harvests its energy from the physical matter, and destroys the cells/tissue and harms it in the process. Participation in the Mind feeds off the body and accelerates aging.

Stopping your mind is the utmost priority.

To change this world is to change yourself. To take responsibility for this world is to take responsibility for all that is happening in it. And everything in your minds is reflected in the world. You have conflict inside you, there is conflict in the world. You have desires/fantasies based on abuse, there is abuse in the world. You wish to be rich and powerful, there are those who are living that point. When we equalize power, we are all equally powerful.

The world is us and we are the world.

If we are to recreate this world we need to recreate ourselves.

We need to make way for the future generation of children. We need to put the message out there about what is best for all, about the mind, about energy, about self-forgiveness, about how to change, about the proof of change as people, about how anyone can do it, about for fucking ONCE have real reliable information about the MIND and how to CHANGE... for once in humanity, in existence we have access to that information. Finally.

Living Passionately, Speaking Passionately is important. It is real, and it is me. I know something, I have lived something and I need to communicate that and share that with everyone. It is important. It is very important. It is the most important thing that ever existed. Too many people believe they are a drop in the ocean, meaningless... too many people believe they cannot affect the world, that it is too big. Too many people focus on just living and getting by and finding another way to help...

Why do we settle for small actions, small gestures? Why do we settle? Why?

Lets do more, be more, do the most we can do.

The mind is something we can stop. We can stop a belief, a thought, an opinion. We can change the mind. We can say NO, and STOP!!!!!!  We can do it.

The Mind isn't real. It was never real. The physical is real, and will always be real. Emotions are simulations. You can't touch it or taste it or see it. You can only see and touch and interact with the physical.

When we drop the mind in existence, then we are left with existence. We have dropped the conflicts, the wounds of the past, the revenge, the ideas, the personalities... we are left with each other and this earth.

Realize that with anything of the mind, just breathe and be here, be here within and as the physical. That is the key to showing to yourself that you can stop anytime and that you are responsible for who you are. You can't blame others now for who you are. You are responsible for your reactions.

www.Desteni.org

Monday, April 8, 2019

Day 710 Self-forgiveness on controlling others

There are some people who I interacted with briefly and they went ahead and made some choices where in my mind I am thinking it was because of me, I caused this. I never really let it go. I blamed myself. I know that its not my fault. So its time to do some SF.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for other's selves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to be responsible for who someone is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be responsible for who someone is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be responsible for the self of another person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself try to take ownership of another person's self, the who they are.... I cannot, its impossible... I can only take responsibility for my self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself blame myself for what another person does or decided to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am responsible for who someone else is, that its up to me and I am to blame for not doing enough, not saying enough, not doing/saying the right thing, or doing/saying the wrong thing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for other people leaving me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe its my fault if people leave

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for other people leaving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can determine who someone is through what I say and do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think if I didn't prevent a tragedy/travesty/disaster that its my fault

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am more responsible than what I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for future people leaving me, through getting to know me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself if someone listens to what I said, but misunderstood or misconstrued it or only took the part they wanted to hear, and believe that its my fault they did that, that I should have said things differently.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am more responsible than what I really am responsible for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  want more power over who someone is, to be able to determine who someone is... I can't

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for not being able to stop someone from making a certain decision or going down a certain path or leaving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish I was stronger, I had more control over someone to be able to make their decisions for them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish I could be more persuasive and persuade people to make a certain choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be attached to the outcome and the decision of someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have power/control over my choice/direction and process, and we EACH equally have that power over ourselves, or at least are the only ones who could wield that power, because I understand not everyone is in the same place in their process and are at different places in their process of becoming one and equal to their physical, and birthing life from the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate not being able to determine who someone is through my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to determine who someone is and make their choices through my words, like wanting to YELL and INTIMIDATE THEM like a parent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to control, intimidate, persuade people through my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have that power over someone else to through my words I determine their choices/decisions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish I could determine who someone is and run their life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through wanting/believing I can determine who someone else is, to then believe that others can determine who I am, and my choices in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  wish there was something more I can do to help people make right choices

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that every choice is right from the perspective that its the choice that person makes and reflects who they are currently and who they created themselves to be throughout the years of their life, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years etc...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that everyone determines who they are in the end, no matter the challenge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people for the choices they make, for who they are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish I could go back in time and change my choices

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate the mistakes I made, how I got here, wish I could change things in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish I have the power to determine the choices people will make.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish to have control over other people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that directing one person, ME, is work enough, ughh..... JK

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through hope, belief, wishing that I can change this reality and make things better through control of who people are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this world will be a better place if we can control people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want control of people in order to save this reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe saving this reality is worth any cost, including enslaving others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that controlling everyone and enslaving everyone NEVER works.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I have to take responsibility for myself and that is the point each must walk and live for themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear care about someone and enjoy someone and see them making a choice that I wouldn't make.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear caring about someone and never thinking they would leave and THEN they choose to leave.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear seeing someone I care about, leave.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish I could control someone and make them stay for their own good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I know what is best for someone and what they need.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish I could see more of a person, what they are thinking, so I can say the right things to make them stay and make better choices.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so controlling and so fearful for the future of other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use love and care as an excuse for being controlling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear speaking and saying something to someone that leads them down the wrong path.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear causing someone to go down the wrong path

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the power of my words and speaking

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the possibility of someone taking my words and make bad decisions with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being a part of, complicit to harmful behaviors due to someone taking my words and using it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself if someone uses my words and does something harmful/abusive due to how they react to my words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for how people act and choose to be, even when using my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being in control of how people take my words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people reacting to my words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate to lose people, and to think its because of what I said to them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to make myself responsible for people making their own decisions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to DIRECT any person's life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let another person DIRECT my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take credit for another person's relationship with their Self.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when someone takes an advice from me and apply it, to believe its because of me.

Each person is creating their own lives, 100%

We are all creating our own lives

Sunday, April 7, 2019

Day 709 All about Dating

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kl9XjNV__eQ


So I watch this youtube channel with these people doing improv comedy all the time. Its really funny sometimes. I like the Try not to laugh challenge videos. And so I was watching some new videos today and laughing. And here is one of the videos about Dating. Whats cool in some of these videos is that they open up about things. Being very open about the realness of living and stuff going on. That openness is a cool dimension. When I get access to someone else being open..... that then opens up points for me to look at and consider.

So in this video I'm linking its about dating. So I'm going to open up this dimension here for myself and for what's best for all.

So first of all, one thing I have learned from experience is that there is ALL kinds of people out there, All kinds. And so within knowing that there is all kinds, who I am in my approach is that point of not assuming or believing things, and kind of cautiously, slowly explore points...  So for example you will have people that will flirt with you even though they have a boyfriend, I have experienced that. And its not to judge, but to be aware that FLIRTING doesn't mean anything in itself.

So again the approach of not assuming/believing things, but in either being DIRECT, or in being chill and getting to know someone. One thing that often gets mixed I would say is like believing if someone is NOT going to be a "girlfriend" boyfriend, or life-long partner, then they can't be a friend. Kind of like cutting off someone and not considering them as a friend. That is someone I learned on Eqafe actually, from an interview there. See www.Eqafe.com in the relationship series. Look under Categories and under Sex and Relationships

Also what one has to be clear on is what one wants ONESELF, like each to know what they personally want or would like to experience. Some people are more casual like in dating or in casual relationships and they don't want a commitment. And that is something to respect and not to judge. And you can't or shouldn't FORCE someone to change, like to make things work. So then you have people who are more looking for that life long commitment, someone to build a life with that is shared. It is certainly disastrous to have the two persons not agreeing on that point, or not on the same page.

Now something that should be considered is that if you are looking for that life long commitment, 2 things, ONE is that you don't have to rush into it, in fact you should take plenty of time, to get to know the person, and see how things would playout, how well you work together, and what are your weaknesses together and what are your strengths? And there will be weaknesses cause no one is PERFECT. Some people say 6 months or 1 year of time.

The second point is being quite OPEN in the getting to know stages, BUT you also don't have to let the flood gates open all at once. So the openness point is more of the warning that when things get SERIOUS in a relationship how only then slowly the REAL person comes out... that is partially how/why divorces or breakups occur, because we weren't open in some ways and didn't allow both to assess each other and know what we are getting into. At the same time though UNDERSTANDABLY we can't be open about EVERYTHING with a person. At least right away.

It is a fine line and mushy. Its not a hard/fast rule here. But certainly its to take it slow, and kind of slowly be open, and for sure SHOW your BEST self, but also get used to showing that not so pretty/beautiful sides of ourselves, however ALWAYS take responsibility for it. Always. I mean speaking here, I know theres SOOOO many emotions/feelings insecurities around this points for people in general. It is awkward, it is weird, it is different. It is scary.

I think the most important thing to take away is to be yourself, which may be the hardest THING to do with dating. We tend to put a persona on, an idea on. Like how they share in the dating video. Cause it is a point of being seen, and being assessed/judged in a way but also in a PRACTICAL way. Cause we as people need to assess how a relationship would be like BUT.... two things, you can't know someone in a short meeting and it takes TIME, much time to really get to know someone, and the other thing is that YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE COMPATIBLE WITH EVERYONE!!!!!!!! Meaning that if you had a relationship with someone, guess what it might not be all that good. IT IS NOT a universal rule that you could be in a relationship with ANY person on the planet it will be quite good for you. I mean REALLY, lets be realistic here. The very idea of rejection is STUPID. By necessity there should be TONS of rejection everywhere, all the time, if you were to test the compatibility of you with everyone else instantly. And not only that...

In addition, there are PRACTICAL points to consider.... It could be age, it could be a disease like an STD, it could be location, it could be TIME, it could be the fact someone has kids or is going through DEEP issues. There could be more. Cause these things do complicate things, and there is also money. Maybe a person needs to stabilize themselves financially first.

Another point is also the PURPOSE of a relationship. And what I have experienced is that point of relationship being a point of ENERGY, of escapism from responsibility, and like a drug. So that's why we have Agreements, where its agreed to do what is BEST For all by each other, to help each other GROW more. We should participate more, vlog more and blog more as destonians, it should deepen our relationship with ourself. That's where its REALLY AMAZING. And then having kids from that starting point, as a family, WOW.

Such things though, from above, must be directed/created, its not preprogrammed to occur. The system never Intended for such a thing to happen. Yet its real creation.

If you are being yourself and someone rejects you then that's cool!!!!!!! That means that they saw who you were, and they saw it wouldn't work. But if they reject you for not being yourself, meaning that you put on a fake self... well then you missed out on showing yourself to someone and actually giving it an honest shot. Cause when it WORKS and compatible then it should be with you being yourself no? Not a fake self, then its not a cool starting point.So this is the principle. Practically though its cool to take it slow. Process wise, we need to take responsibility for every REACTION and MOVEMENT WITHIN US.

There are a ton more things that can be discussed and looked at. But would like to end it with this. Having a FRIEND within your life-long partner, well that's almost necessary by definition no? You are going to be spending a SHIT ton of time with such a person. Of course it depends how you live the word Friend. Lets just say a DEEP friendship. Cause there are Friends you are fine being with and hanging out, but LIVING WITH THAT FRIEND?????? that can be a different story, you know what Im talking about. So there is a lot more that goes with something serious like living together and sharing such a life with. Its not something to Fuck around with.

ALSO, its to look at the practically that IF a person is real and being themselves and another is being real and being themselves, and they both get to know each other, and each are living principles of taking self-responsibility, self-forgiveness, commitment to what's best for all.... that there you already have an awesome friendship, for sure. And whether that opens up to something else, something other is/will be clear or directed/questioned. Its not something 100% controlled, but its more like revealing what is here and looking at the FACTS, what is here, who are we, how are we together, what would that be like, and do I want that for myself, is this best for me/all/you? Otherwise no big deal. Cause its about what is HERE. I will repeat this part cause its important.

YOU CANNOT AND WILL NOT BE COMPATIBLE WITH EVERY PERSON. IT WILL NOT MAKE SENSE IF YOU COULD BE WITH ANY PERSON AND IT WILL BE WELLLLL.

And why are we settling for just well, okay? or good? How about shooting for AMAZING? Great amazing, Superb, the best, such a GIFT. And no matter what it will TAKE work, no matter with WHO or what person your with. It takes work, time and commitment. No matter what. So lets get real here and destroy the fantasies of relationships. We shouldn't be with just any person. So of course you are going to face rejection, cause we are all so different, and in so many different places/stages/moments. That's a good thing you don't end up with someone that is not a GREAT fit. AND it will not be EASY. The greatness of a relationships is when both individual are ready and are aligned to work together to create an amazing relationship, ready to be themselves, ready to be brave and risk humiliation. Ready to honestly check, are we a match? does this make sense?  So you see the greatest comes from within you as a self as an individual.

That is why Process is walked and is the focus and the forefront. SELF is the priority. You can't create a great relationship with a crappy self, to put it bluntly. Working on self is KEY and will always continue to be Key throughout a relationship.

You can also look at it this way, be worthy of the person you would want to be with. Or you could look at it like, love yourself to be the person you DESERVE. You don't have to pick one perspective over the other, you can see both simultaneously. Its not a competition. Be the best, be the greatest self, the greatest you. Walk the Process. www.desteni.org

Saturday, April 6, 2019

Day 708 Todays update April 6, 2019

My day was really fucking good.

I did some exercise walking around and strengthening my back. I read outside in the sun. I am understanding the material I an learning.

I read some more.

I participated in chats.

I watched a movie.

I worked on myself in going to heart of what I need to learn in order to improve myself and me in my relationships to people. So I am advancing and going deeper. I am learning and realizing.

I feel quite strong, and connected to my body.

I want to strengthen that connection to my body even deeper. I want my voice to embody the sound of my body, to be more visceral. I want the presence of the body to come through the sound of my voice.

I want to change more and do more. I want to go deeper than I have gone before.

I want to see the heart of what this is. I want to see what expression will emerge and radicalize my life, and dramatically change it. I know what the area I want to improve. I am right at the precipice  of changing it. I am walking the moments of my past and seeing the domino effects of characters, and I am removing the dominos.

I am hopeful for the future.


Thursday, April 4, 2019

Day 707 Another daily self-forgiveness April 4, 2019

So I took a neutral photo to see where I am at.

Now, a neutral photo could be like an amazing face, a really nice smile, but this is not, because I am going through points. So lets look at the points.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future, to fear what's coming next
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  fear something bad is going to happen, to be on edge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the next corner, the next chapter, the next turn on the river
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  worry what's going to happen in my relationships with people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing some people go and leave
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  fear losing people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conflict, and fighting, yelling and screaming
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  be possessed by fear, instead of being HERE and as MYSELF as relax, chill and READY for what comes next

~~~~~~

Here's a posed photo I did for FUN

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Some more forgiveness from my day
I witness some strange things. And I faced myself in emergency mode.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ACTING and doing something, what I can do
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going to far, to judge myself for going too far.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist acting and doing what I can do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about ego, looking bad, doing something that is bothersome for other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disrupting other people's lives and what they are doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear caring and fear having my heart broken

~~
Alot of errors and mistakes from my teammate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel impatient
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel upset
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  feel irritated
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  feel tired
~~
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my future career
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my future eduction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  fear for my future work and financial stability
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making things happen in the future, which I can do NOW, and start working with NOW, in my present day to day.

I commit myself to devote time each day to working on the daily points, reassessing my actionable goals, how I am moving/developing, celebrating/recognizing my small victories, and seeing what are my potential paths, potential choices, potential points/paths that I can invest in, in myself and in my career.

~~
Looking at how things will go with certain people, I don't know
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not knowing what will happen in the long run.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  fear not knowing how things will develop over time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not knowing something
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust in me, who I am, the principles I stand by, so that no matter what happens everything is always cool, because I am best, or I correct/align to my best over time.
~~









Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Day 706 My Day and Forgiveness

I want to do daily blogging. The solution I see is just to do 15 minutes blogging. So its short, but consistent.

And I just write on what self-forgiveness I already did today.
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I had jealousy. I didn't want someone to have close friends. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be Jealous of the close friendship of others.
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I heard the dark, raspy voice of a female customer service person. It sounded attractive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find raspy voice attractive.
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I placed people here as me, Deep. I looked inside into the deepest depths to see if there exists  ANY reaction to a person.

I saw yes. They made fun of how I walk. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame them for making fun of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame someone for what they do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame someone for what they say to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame someone for what I feel in me.

I have an immense quietness/hyper-awareness and spaciousness within me, while looking for any sort of reaction towards someone, anyone.

Until I stand clear with a person.


Links
http://www.eqafe.com - Check out the new unlimited subscription plan at Eqafe, it's fantastic!
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com
www.desteniiprocess.com 
www.destonians.com
http://www.desteni.org
http://www.earthhaven.org