Saturday, March 30, 2013

Fear: a statement to no longer accept Fear. day67

I saw what I wrote yesterday as supportive. Later I noticed I stopped pushing and challenging myself. Earlier this morning, I did push and challenge myself by pushing and challenging myself and everyone internally to live oneness and equality. This is clear for me. For me this is either absolute or not. I cannot pick sides. There is only oneness and equality. If people I thought were honest, turn out to be dishonest, this should not affect me. If I move or act, is should always be me here moving and acting. Living here. Thoughts and emotions and feelings are in separation from self. The words and pictures, things we can live and apply as, are in separation. So we have to direct our words and pictures, as all and one and equal. The same with everything, beliefs, ideas, behavior, fears, desires, we have to direct ourselves whether this removes beliefs or not, the point is clear, oneness and equality. We have to become equal to the mind. The mind is in the superiority seat, because we abdicated responsibility. We fear acting on the mind, questioning the mind, questioning ourselves, we feel like it would be betrayal, when its simply directing ourselves and living! There is no point we cannot go to, or accomplish- yet this power can only exist in oneness and equality unless you are possessed by the mind- and possession is not living. Possession is taking instructions from the mind, who to be, what to do, how to live, and even gives you an explanation, which you then accept as Gospel. Isn't it already enough evidence that if the mind can live here for you then you could potentially live here as well, without the mind. I mean if the mind can do it, why can't you? As life, are you equal to the mind. I mean, even that fact you are sitting down, implies you can stand up! Doesn't it? Oneness and Equality is the principle by which everything functions. Ifyou choose a limited life, doesn't this choice imply you can choose to live the less limited life, or even a life that is one and equal to everything in this existence and can apply change, and morph into anything. I suggest starting with that which you fear, because its easy, fear lets you know what you must do. Also, the mind is well equipped to bring up any images or situations that you fear in any moment. So you could picture what you fear- and stop! the fear. Practice it, try it out. Use this ability of the mind and conquer each fear as one and equal as yourself- your only conquering yourself doing what is best for all, am I right? Is this not a birth-right, to live? Is this not a part of living, to end fear? Are you not capable, entitled, to live a life free of fear? Is this the kind of existence you will accept,  one full of fear? HELL NO. Join me in saying HELL NO. I won't accept and allow fear, there is no point in it! It is not required to live a self-directed decision, it is not informative, it is blinding, and prevents me from accurately assessing a situation. Time to grow up, and stop hiding. This life is worth living. If I only dare to remember that it is, and stand up! Hell no fear, see ya.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Yogan's Statement -day66

"Who and what I stand as, is a programmed system to enslave and control Man so you may never realise or know who you really are as pure life essence, as Man. This is who and what I stand as and I will take any and all necessary actions to ensure that Man as who you are as pure life essence never know or realise who you really are: Even if it means eliminating and destroying myself"

Conciousness is evil. Consciousness is not best for all (here I use evil to refer to what must be stopped, because its evil).Evil is murder, rape, war, inequality, greed, anger, possession, thoughts, emotions, reactions, feelings, ego, desires, beliefs, anything and everything that does not start from oneness and equality.

I longer accept and allow anything which supports inequality, that which is not best for all- this is a living statement of who I am.
Practically, the road to manifest oneness and equality is a long one. Its not what I do, but who I am within what I do.
I may do things that others will say is evil or bad, however I cannot take what they say at face value, I must see for myself whether I am accepting and allowing consciousness, the root of evil.
I need to become strong, in what I say, write, do. I need to fit in within society yet push change. I need to be here and stand firm in my commitment to who I really am as Life, and not trust the charming and destructive words of consciousness. I do know this is true. Consciousness is conniving, way more intelligent than I am, has had many years of experience in enslaving whereas I have had only moments of living, in comparison. I need to stand up and start getting strong by being strong, through application/living/standing, like a muscle I will get strong, yet even giving an inch to consciousness will make it ten-fold stronger. This is the situation we are all in. We cannot let up. Consciousness will take every and any opportunity it can to fuck us up, because we allowed it, we gave the space, WE WEREN"T HERE. If there are any reactions, STOP!!!!! Don't give it a moment's notice, immediately breath and direct yourself, be here, and stop the reaction, live and apply. Try every and any method/possibility, use what you have at your disposal. BREATHE- its the greatest resource/weapon that can REALLY FUCK UP THE MIND. Compared to breathing, everything else pales in comparison. Then of course don't limit yourself, use self-forgiveness!!! Really use it, and really forgive yourself, it makes you STRONG. And breathe and feel that you have forgiven yourself and let go of that which you were accepting and allowing- you will notice a strength- however realize, the mind will always be there to test you, you cannot assume it is gone- don't let your guard down! Be here and live! As long as your living and being here, can the mind possess you or direct you? No! because your directing yourself, your being here, your moving! So live! As long as your not here, as long as your not living, the mind will possess you, always. This is a process of living- doing- always being here, this is not another goal, picture. This is living. This is real. This is reality. If your notice your moving and you did not move you, then stop and realize that your not directin gyourself, your not here! If you feel a pain, check to make sure, Am i Here? If not, then be HERE! Use whatever and every reminder you can to remind yourself to be here. Whether it is missing a breath, a physical pain or jolt. A picture of some sort, a feeling or emotion. Whatever! Use everything and anything you can to help you be here. So you can start taking responsibility. The more you are here the more you can grow and expand. Like I said before, as long as you give an inch to the mid, your essentially fucked-  push push push to be here. Direct yourself. Breathe. Test yourself- do things you would not normally do. Do things out of routine. If all your doing is living a routine or habit- then your not here! Be here and live the way you want to live- on the surface it may be a routine- but your here- and this you cna be self-honest about- am I HERE? Don't choose the easy way out- and choose a program. Does choose the habit- Don't choose unawareness. Don't choose the pattern, program. Be Here and live! If your a pattern, your a program, and your not Here! be here, a system can become life- you can become life. No one is above life- one can only deny life, deny themselves- it is a denial, anyone that denies life, denies what is here, denies reality, denies truth and everything physical which is all that exists. A single thought is not life. Thinking is not life. pictures is not life, anything that is of separation, of consciousness, that which is not HERE is not life. Life is the physical, the physical is here. Consciousness is not real. Oneness and Equality will require you to due things you have judged as uncomfortable and have made excuses and justifications to not do. Realize any excuse of justification within you is consciousness, because consciousness is limitation, is enslavement. If there is something you are afraid to do its consciousness. If there is ANY MOVEMENT AT ALL WITHIN YOU, THAT"S CONSCIOUSNESS. If you live here, and are here, you can apply and live. There is no limitation is living! You can live and apply anything in the physical through being here. That why its real! Its physical, its equality and oneness. The mind is not real. It is the noise, where the physical is silence, and stable. So push yourself, and act and live. You will become stronger, and stable and silent. Expand and test yourself. Anything that tries and detracts you through presenting nice convincing words is your mind! Anything that tries to scares you with fear is your mind! Anything which you do not direct as you is your mind. When we are here, we will be able to directly communicate with our physical bodies, because it is ourselves! We will be here with every sensation, every moment, every experience, every touch and breath, pressure, movement, without judgment. When will we decide to be here? huh? when? cmon when? what are we waiting FOR!!!!!???? This is reality- this is worth all the marbles, this is everything real, and of value! There's nothing else!!! You want to make the world a better place? How can you do that if your not even here? not even directing yourself? It won't work. The work that is ahead of us will require a diligence, a patience, a strength, a resiliency, an awareness, a commitment, concentration, a focus that no one currently lives. So live it, I guarantee you will be a force for life. Make yourself strong, invincible, untouchable, unmoving. Expand, growwwwwww. Challenge yourself, show you can stand in ANY situation. And STAND. Direct move, or direct yourself to NOT MOVE, STAND. You can direct anything, so direct it, and consider what is best for all, to show others what is best for all, which includes comfortability with oneselfness to do things that others as consciousness sees as impossible. Live the life of complete and total self-direction and self-movement. Share yourself with others, demonstrate through example, self-direction, and oneness and equally manifested. Break the disillusion of the mind, challenge it, challenge the mind. challenge it within the point of SELF-trust, not MIND-trust. Trust yourself to direct yourself without the mind, that you are perfectly capable of living without the mind. That you don't need the mind. Challenge every belief, every desire, every fear, every point of control that has come to define you. Challenge them, and cast them aside  to show you exist infinitely here, that who you are is not the mind. That who are you are is of life, is of responsibility, is of caring, is of actually divinity, which would require to live equal and with and as all. This will require you to see the oneness and equality between you and the abuser, that what the abuser has done, you have done. That what the greedy capitalists have done you have done in your life, in your ways. Within that changing and demonstrating that we can all change. Take the responsibility and position that no one wants to take, that if we were in the positions of power we would have created the same fuck up- yet we can change. We all have consciousness- we are all sick patients. We will all go through the same shit, and be tested for the same things, in our own ways and experiences. We will be presented with temptation, and ego, and thoughts many time over before this is done, and even when we get to that point- it still will be absolute living. In other words, this process we are in is about living. It not an prize- it is living- it is not separate- it is living- it is not a toy- it is living- it is not icecream- it is living- it is not an experience- it is living- it is not drugs - it is living. Forever being here infinitely as oneness and equality, equal to one to absolutely everything even past and future, even the rapists, even the atrocities, because how else can we stop unless we recognize we one and equal to everything? That as long as we see ourselves as divorced fromthe problem, as not responsible- it will continue- and THAT we are responsible for. And it will forever be a statement of who we are unless we stand up to stop it once and for all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

day65-Function and Results

So im going to be pushing my body this week. I am not weak, I am strong.
I can make mistakes- and learn from my mistakes and grow.
I do not know if I need fear- to think so would be a presumption- so I will remove fear and find out.
I also never need to insult anybody- I can just stick with fact- I do not need to create illusions- the reality here is stable enough and works well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not know what I am doing- by being here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind, instead of being here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be present with every breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others and myself for writing self-forgiveness which I have considered a waste of time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to concern myself more with appearance than with function and results.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

day64- writing

I am in a mass amount of work.
Writing this out, I feel calmer like I can complete my work.
I have several things to account for and complete throughout the next 9 days.
Taking deep breaths helps me focus. I can feel the blood rushing to my brain, in slow, steady beats.

The fear of failure. I allowed in a moment long ago, to participate in the fear of failure so completely that I never wanted to try again. I never wanted to stand up. I felt I was nothing, powerless. There is an element of not knowing- the fear of not knowing, whether I would succeed or not- and this scared me.
Breathe, be here, and direct myself.
These were words I repeated over to myself, until I lived it and stood up.  Accepting and allowing even one thought is to accept and allow the mind and to give up directive principle. Always stand as directive principle. Breathing helps to discharge what energy has its hold of you. Though breathing cannot replace you standing up and taking directive principle. This does not work, only breathing and hoping things will change. I have to change it, otherwise it would be another point of enslavement, and we have not realized what oneness and equality practically entails.
Oneness and equality requires that we see everyone as ourselves. The people that we fear, the people around us, the people in our daily lives, everyone is us. We could have easily been in their situation, made their choices, been in their position. We are not so unique and special as we would like to believe. From those we hate, to those we love, we are one and equal to them. We have either made the same mistakes as them or are making those mistakes right now as ourselves. We are capable of learning. We are capable of being equal to the smartest man, the most revered people. We are capable of everything. We are one and equal. We are one and equal to each other, and ourselves. We are one and equal to what we accept and allow. We are not separate from the whole, and what affects the whole affects us, whether we are aware of it or not. We commit the greatest harm in unawareness and neglect. We are responsible for everything, including what we do not do, or choose not to do. We are responsible because we are capable of everything. We are capable of standing up- by the fact we do not stand up means we can stand up. It means we are responsible. Even the people who see themselves as inferior as just as responsible as the most greedy of us. There are no exceptions to this responsibility- if there were then they would simply not exist- because this existence is responsible for itself, as one and equal. To not exist, to not care, to be apathetic, to be neutral is the worst fate- its the point of giving up control/power to change or affect change. It is simply to not exist. Yet, you still exist and are just as responsible, and on top of that already have allowed greater harm to be done- because you have harmed yourself- and what harms yourself- harms existence. We are equal and one.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

day63: Clearing out the broom closet.

yogan you don't know anything. I don't know anything. Stop no more. 

Social comparison and Competition.
I am looking at this topic for my thesis. I am also looking at an element of scarcity and how that combines/defines competition. I have had plenty of instances where I compared myself to others and derived meaning for the WHO I AM as EGO. Because realize- that any meaning that is defined in polarity, separate from oneness and equality is separation, is creating conflict, is addiction, is ego. Whenever we do not listen to another [Anna Brix Thomsen brought up this point recently- here] through not being here, thinking, we are stating we are better than this person we are not listening to. Being a 'good listener' is an important skill for everyone to have. But it is also who you naturally are when you are here= because you are here and when another speaks= they speak here, because this is where reality is=its here. Anything that is here= is reality=is real=is physical. Power is here=because the only power is the physical. The mind "wants" this physical as energy, so it "keeps" you from here- well, unless you actually stand up and take responsibility. And stop feeding/participating in the mind.
             Fear, reaf, re-lief. relief. So fear is what we use when we want to hide from something=we participate in fear. I used it to hide from my studies and from writing. I started fearing everything I could lose if I were to move forward into the role as an active proponent for life, a destonian. Also, the role as a psychologist researcher. I would not be able to fuck around as much, I would need to become disciplined. From a general perspective some would say this is growing up- however, when I see adults I see suppression- so my best guess is that adults actually do fuck around-which is suppression of yourself as life, as all and one and equal. Adults drink and party in the weekend=suppression. They marry, and have kids without getting to know the person=suppression. They end up in jobs they hate, and/or they fear money=suppression. This is all speculation/extrapolation, so you will need to see for yourself if this is true in your life, because thats the life that matters isn't? The one you can take direct responsibility for and direct to what is best for all, it's you.
        So I did, actually, in my life situation, play the relationship card as a way to suppress myself as life, from standing up and taking responsibility through being disciplined and directing my life situation to be in an optimal position as a researcher and as a destonian. I would call it a last ditch effort to keep my dreams from my childhood and somehow manifest it while I was torn apart trying to remain a proponent of life, and so my vocabulary blurred, I used terms as good to justify who I am, to keep an appearance to myself that everything was handy dandy when it was not.
        So there's still a chance for me to recuperate it and bring back the physical pieces of my life potential in being a researcher and also a destonian. First I cannot define myself as a researcher or a destonian, otherwise I will fear losing this label- and so enter into whatever personalities that will pounce! You see the thing is the mind has got you as long as your afraid. And defining yourself according to reality will automatically create a relationship of fear of loss for the reality definition. I mean, what is real is here, and does not require you to define yourself according to it, in order for you/I to direct the situation or any situation for that matter. I live and express through words- I am the living words- I am not separate from my situation and I direct myself within my situation. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the examples provided by adults as an excuse for myself to then take on the same bad example provided by adults, instead of not taking on those qualities and learning from the mistakes made by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take something that should be considered seriously, "relationship," and make it into something abusive to life and myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my opportunity to be a researcher and realise that all that matters is giving it all I got.

I commit myself to stop seeking relationships as a form of escape from responsibility for completing Thesis, daily blog writing, being here, eating well, studying, attending class alert and prepared, completing assignments to the best of my ability, from enjoying my time with me, from stopping fears/desires.

Monday, March 25, 2013

day62-I don't want to live. Retribution.

I don't want to live. I feel happy.
So here's what came from my mind.
So these words came up when I was giving myself the opportunity to see what is going on inside my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the words 'I don't want to live' within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the words 'I feel happy' within and as me.
I do not need to be thinking I feel happy- If I was truly living, being here and expressing myself I would not need to be telling myself that I feel happy. This was a reaction.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat as 'I don't want to live' to be connected to the backchat 'I feel happy.'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the feeling I call 'high' to the backchat 'I feel happy.'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the feeling experience known as high within and as me. 

When and as I am feeling 'high' I stop and I breathe and get back into the physical.
I commit myself to not listen to the backchat 'I don't want to live' anymore.
I commit myself to not listen to the backchat 'I feel happy' anymore.

If I believe I need to tell myself I am happy, then this implies I really feel not happy, that I am not content, that I am either sad, frustrated, scared, or angry/upset. These past months have been difficult for me. I have definitely not been satisfied with my work. But I sorta gave up. It felt too much, it felt like I could not go on like this, that it had to stop. I thought it was unfair, that I did not deserve what was happening to me. That I was innocent within all of this. I thought I needed help outside of me, I thought I needed something, some guidance, answer, a feeling like I knew what to do. That was where I turned to confidence and masking myself- because I associated feeling like I knew to actually knowing. I don't know what to do -feeling high.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the words 'I don't know what to do' within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat ' I don't know what to do' to be connected to the feeling I call 'high.'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the feeling experience called high within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mask myself with a feeling called confidence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the feeling experience called confidence within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate feeling confident to a knowledge or belief of self-honesty.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remember that I am the one I have been waiting for.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to claim innocence when I have clearly applied tools that can support me to stand up, yet I did not apply these techniques/tools, such as breathing, when I needed to most, instead I sought answers that would not lead to me taking responsibility.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that who I am, how I react and my experience are my complete and total responsibility and that it is my creation that have accepted and allowed to be created as the mind throughout my life- I was there when each and every thought surfaced and I accepted and allowed it- I was there when every single feeling and emotion was churning inside me- I could have stopped allowing/participating in it but I didn't.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up and thus accept and allow the mind to have dominion over the physical/my-gift/opportunity of life.

I commit myself to my work, again.
I commit myself to myself, again.
I commit myself to sorting out the mess that is myself.
I commit myself to use every tool at my disposal- to really go head-first into the mind with everything I got.

The list of tools include:
the principle of oneness and equality
and Breathing.

Heading into the otherside.....  

Friday, March 22, 2013

day61- what am I doing here?

Is conditioning good or bad?
I can see how the enslavement point of the mind is good because it contains the evil that we would spew forth. I See the mind as a test- to reveal who we are. If we stand up one and equal to the mind- what we accept and allow and don't accept and allow indicate who we are. If we simply hang back and allow the mind/wind free reign claiming it is a divinely wind/mind that it is the breath of god itself, that it is a gift given to us, that we cannot drop it stop it, because we could be giving up something special that defined who we are from the moment of birth- that it is us there is no question- we don't then see. See, what is going on in fact. And within that not seeing, that deliberate decision to not see to not check to not investigate and find out- we are responsible- for all that will happen and has happened because we did not hold ourselves accountable for what was occurring, what was manifesting in our world. Can we claim innocence? Is there even a point to blame- unless there is no actual change, then the same will continue. Face what is going on here. Be here always so you can hold yourself accountable. Use the breath, breathe, because it is always here. Give yourself responsibility and you give yourself power. Take it, live it, and apply it to create a world that is best for all. Don't fear the power or responsibility. That is to not hold yourself accountable- that is to not see the possibility- and responsibility. You will be responsible anyway for all you do and fail to do/ don't do. So SEE! and live.
        So today I spoke a little about conditioning with a friend. I questioned whether we can stop by our will conditioning. This is an important question because if the answer is yes then we are completely responsible for all that occurred with our conditioned mind- because we could have always stopped. A friend answered yes- we can change with our behavior. So that proves it- as long as you can direct yourself in a situation by changing your behavior you are responsible. By the fact we all have bodies- we can change. By the fact we are conditionable, that requires that we are not conditionable. It is process of learning. We did not have this reactions and responses at birth- granted there are some very basic reflexes and reactions the physical has- however these often support the body. We have to stop and end all abuse that is within our power to do so. We have to weed out and question what am I really creating through my acceptance and allowance. Like how the above paragraph said, we are responsible whether we choose to see what we accept and allow or not. So its time to see and to be here.
      So- this may seem tangential but it is related I promise- So Love. The desteni group stands to present the greatest fears we have. This is perhaps the first act of l(o)ive that existed since Jesus. When you present the truth you often react in fear, because it means your end, it means you must change, because it means you are really evil. The good news, is you can change with Self-forgiveness. So you can say: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harm others in order for me to benefit. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire greed and power. And so on. And then you realize, hey I can change! And so you change, and you know your doing it, because you do it. So self-forgiveness is kinda like a key to your behavior. Its like a door to yourself. You create a space for change. Then you can even write how your going to change, and right yourself. If your familiar at all with the History of Desteni video series, the self-forgiveness is kinda like when BP and the rest were taking demons inside them. Its kinda like that. Where you sort of take the demons- the parts of you thats "evil" -and you take responsibility and then you change. And its a cool thing to do. And it cool because you're standing within and as oneness and equality in that moment. You see hey, I can change, and we all can too! so this is possible for everyone cool. You just have to live it. No more preprogramming, no more laid back lifestyle of suppression and control. Seeing just everyone and equality. Imagine no more inferiority! its great.

The choices are to remain in inferiority and servitude or to be free and stand up!
Which is the choice I will live as, hmmmm option 2 please lol

So just cuz,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek validation for myself from the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the mind can give me anything of value. The value the mind presents is the value of myself standing up from the mind, changing as the mind into someone of value and worth. I realize the mind has served a purpose and it has served its purpose well. Nwow its time to stop and change, and get down to business. We are life, we are one and equal.


Thursday, March 21, 2013

day60- Stop- and Change- (possible song title??)

So I made a mistake in not standing as what I trusted, as good. I immediately went into a fear of not being good, when I received feedback that I was not good. I went into the mind instead of standing up for myself. I fear knowledge, and I granted knowledge equal value to reality. But knowledge can be false- while reality is real/here. Knowledge can reflect reality, however it can also not. So this proves knowledge itself cannot distinguish reality from false lies (misinformation, disinformation). WE, need to see for ourselves directly reality by being here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the mind as separate from me and that I was not responsible for what happens in my mind.
When and as I see the mind as separate from me, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here, I stop the separation, and I stop the mind either immediately by saying "stop" or by applying self-forgiveness.

I imagined telling this specific girl the following: “I want to marry you, I want to have kids with you, and I want to have sex with you”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine telling this girl “I want to marry you, I want to have kids with you, and I want to have sex with you”
             I don't know this girl very well. Her eyes are bug-eyes. I like her eyes alot, and her smile. It is attractive for me. I can imagine dating her. She seems desperate for a relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find desperateness attractive/ a turn on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge energy in my solar plexus when I see a girl that i have judged as desperately needing/wanting a relationship/sex. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge energy within my solar plexus when I imagine having sex with her and placing my semen inside her.
When and as I see myself feeling turned on by the sight of a girl or that I have to look at a specific girl, I stop and I breathe, I treat the girls equally, and I continue about my day.
I commit myself to treat girls as equals.
I commit myself to stop fantasizing about girls. 

I imagined posting this online, I imagined my mom warning me about posting online, that it could hurt my chances of getting a job. I then went into a reaction and started thinking about companies/work places googling my name- and how I could perhaps disguise my name from my blog. Also that companies may check my facebook- and how I could disguise my facebook to prevent companies from finding me. I then considered that they could use super high technology to track my information regardless of my privacy settings and maybe keep track of even my old names. So I then considered shutting down my facebook for the time when I apply for a job- and I simply say that I do not participate in facebook- which seemed reasonable. I also thought that because I would be applying for small psychology labs- they may not check my online information. 

day59- Bringing myself back here.

I have not been living in a healthy balanced manner. I expected/believed I could focus on only one thing- my thesis- and ignore the rest. Within this binocular vision (tunnel vision) I did not care for eating well, waking up early, sleeping well, breathing, writing, resting, exercising, sitting comfortably, sitting relaxed, sitting so that I could sit like this forever, being relax and focused while reading, understanding, and learning. My overall experience with thesis is fear; a panic that I won't be able to finish, that I will run out of time. I desired to show so much, and do great things with my thesis. In essence then, I desired everything to happen quickly. That I would be finished with the whole project in no time- that I would be already at the finish line. Instead of being here with the thesis.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to finish early without putting the time and effort into it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just want to be done with thesis without having to think about it or really engage it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy. 
When and as I see myself drift into a unconscious mind set- I immediately breath and bring myself back here, and engage myself with what is here.
I commit myself to engage my thesis and my life.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

day58- Update- supporting myself

I had for a while in my life fantasize about meeting a group of people/friends that would accept me. I also imagined having a relationship partner and a best friend as well. However, I see I have made these several points as compromises to who I am, because I have charged these points with energy, so that I become overwhelmed by these points. I also notice I enter into points of contests/ego with friends, with these people who would accept me. I saw it as something normal or to be expected, an idea I built and reinforced  with  my observations and constant thoughts, imaginations and playouts in my minds. This has lead to a great compromise in who I am and in my living. The nature of who I am is to seek consolence, and so be weak within that. All these years I have built up strength and skill. Who I am is in reverse. Inside I seek to do nothing, be nothing, and let others do all the work. This is ego and self-interest, the exact evil that creates the world. I am just like everyone else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start from the starting of ego and self-interest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start from the starting point of ME ME ME, in isolation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am special and deserving of special treatment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe as long as others accept me, I can die happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe as long as others accept me, I don’t have to care.
I commit myself to change who I am into what is best for all.

I notice while I was commenting on Quora, I felt angry. I wanted to show the Quorans what they were missing. I thought that I could dispel them. I wanted to say something to change their minds, to realize they made a grave mistake in how they approach the information on the Desteni and Equal Money site. However, it was like they were arguing for their own limitations. They had chosen a starting point and wanted to see that starting point validated. They did not consider there could be another way. This is something that I enjoyed frequently to apply. Seeing how things could be differently. How could the other side be right or wrong. In this was a small desire to defend others that were prosecuted or belittled or bullied (forget it, it was a large desire- lol). Im not sure whether desires are all that bad. I mean, I desire what is best for all. When I was younger, I saw desires as unhelpful when they possessed you and you ended up doing something you regretted later (whether years or minutes, it’s the same- you face regret). SO that’s why its good to be strong and to not fall into temptation, you create a better life/situation for yourself- and you are able to do many things, include invest in yourself and complete long term goals. But most of all I enjoy it! I enjoy looking into the future and seeing the various playout, asking, what will happen if I do this? How can I create the best result? How can I bring this about? It was fun. I lived in a partly future/here situation of living by statements of right/wrong, judging others for doing certain things, yet within an understanding they did not know what they were doing, otherwise they would not do it (admittedly this is naïve and perhaps everyone knows what they are doing). I wanted to believe somewhere people were good and kind underneath it all. However I am beginning to realize, especially after this Quora incident- that people are at the moment- for lack of a better term, are evil. Even my own words I can see some evil stuck in there. Ok, so we have to change. Simple. Change. We have to. Change. Otherwise we remain evil.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as some little child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am here, a being like any other being, and that I can express in different ways.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge certain expressions as somehow better or more than other expressions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am inherently evil or good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as good or evil, when in fact I am making decisions with the intention for certain outcomes, which could be best for all.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that everyone has their own definition of good and evil, and this is independent from whether they themselves actually do what is best for all.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to not trust a man by his words, but by his consistently applied actions, both visible and invisible.   
I commit myself to stop judgments that do not support life.
I commit myself to support life and myself in my actions, deeds, behaviors and living.
I commit myself to speak self-honestly the truth of who we are when the moment presents itself.
I commit myself to finish my homework on time.
I commit myself to sleep early and wakeup early
I commit myself to work well and enjoy my work.
I commit myself to not over indulge in video games, tv shows, or other media.
I commit myself to be diligent and focused in my thesis.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

day57- another day

So apparently, there is a entirely separate system that is responsible for learning to respond automatically, whether you like it or not. In other words, it does not matter if you enjoy it, or are perhaps even aware of the actual physical sensation of something, you could feel an urge or desire or want to do something. This is called addiction or habit, isn't. I notice for many years of my life, especially after first listening to desteni material, how I did not really enjoy anything, that everything was a mind push or pull, which itself felt violent and uncomfortable. Which is why breath is so important to be here. Because here is where you direct, where everything exist, where we really live, and where we can really learn. That is why it is important to stop emotions and feelings, breathe and be here. When I feel anxiety or fear, stop breathe. If I feel a physical pain, be here, breathe, I look at what am I separating myself from here, and then stop the separation, and realign. Within breath I direct, so i direct. Within breath, being here, I can see so I see. I can see dishonesty and honesty. I can live/act. I get to know myself/be intimate with myself.
-going to sleep