Yogan's Journey to Life

 My self-forgiveness and self-honesty are no longer effective, not for a while. And I aim to fix that. One of the things that is constantly in my mind while writing a blog and self-forgiveness online is others who are reading it. I am thinking about how it will affect others, and how they will react to it. I am worried about how it can inadvertently affect others, in ways that don't seem obvious. And I have this painful intuition on my body that responds when I do things. I am really in a fucked up situation. Its like I am scared to live. Cause I had my heart broken. Which is what has happened before several times in my life. Except this time it was my deepest wishes and desires, of friendship, camaraderie, sharing, openness, community. It was my faith in humanity, the goodness of others. That being said, its not your fault or their fault. That is who we are now, we are quite messed up, evil mother fuckers, quite demented, quite broken, quite sadistic, ruthless etc...  I remem...

I have been applying a practice of being Silent with points that I am working with, when I know that speaking about it would compromise me in some way. Its like I know or can tell that if I were to share this thing I am working on with someone or certain people, that it would disrupt me in some way. How I know? I suppose its the deep intuitive knowing. You just know. So the difference is that now I am doing that on purpose, I am listening to that knowing. And so I am being quiet about certain things, certain projects, with certain people. We could analyze here the practical reasons and the playouts of why and what happens sometimes. But I think I will leave that to you the reader to figure out and see for yourself. So how I see what i am doing is that its a technique, and its a way of living/doing things. And that it makes me strong/stronger. Because its about me implementing and creating points for me. And that very success matters. And taking responsibility for my word, my word...