Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Destiny calls, who will I become? 266

So I have a lot to share in this blog. You see, I will covering what I did tonight, and as well as a draft of a blog I wrote on leadership. So I ask for some patience, because there is a very significant nugget of realization here for me, which is kind of a decision in itself, surprisingly.

Paramore. So this is a band, whose music I was exploring and rocking out to for the past year. I remember when I bought their latest album about this time last year 2014. And I went to their concert that July. Sooooo. Tonight, just 1.5 hours ago, as I write this, I finish going to my 2nd concert. The most important thing that the reader, you should know, about this band, is the sincerity and honesty that have developed. Sooooo. This point of them committing to and sticking with themselves is what brought them the greatest success thus far in their music career. So for me, I have been lost, frankly, in what to do, and so really who to be. Who am I? This question clearly indicates I am lost, if you read it carefully. So this is where the draft I wrote in my blog comes in.

"The Ideal Leader, for me would be someone vulnerable, open, honest, sincere, trustworthy, keeping his word/promises, relaxed, calm, being able to discuss deep personal issues, believes that people have a potential for greatness, cares for everyone not just himself, and naturally quiet, meaning he is not trying to convince you of anything, manipulate you to do anything, but is simply here with you in this moment, acting in commonsense."

So I have always seen this part of me, who i am naturally, as not being here, expressed in every moment. There are beliefs, thoughts, emotions, feelings, which design and purpose are to make sure I am not expressed. Now that I have been walking the Desteni tools for several years, I have finally started to accept and live that all emotions, any emotions, thoughts, feelings, at all, is unacceptable, and I must as my first response is to step out of them, so that I myself can step through.

So this Ideal leader I wrote about, consists of my natural qualities. I can say honestly that I haven't made this qualities into my everyday living expression, and that is what I must do, despite my reservation, resistances, thoughts, and emotional reactions, and feeling reactions. Despite the fear that it will ruin my life and completely isolate me from people. Because I have shown to myself, fear is just me, it's not reality. I only have this one life so, am I actually going to do this in my life, at all, to be me? I have to ask myself, why is it so difficult to be myself? Because within that it seems to be the greatest reward just waiting for me.

As an observation, being myself, I constantly have doubts, constantly. And these are emotional doubts. It really does feel like the most difficult thing. It seems easier to just try and be someone else, which when I look in recent years, I have tried doing that. So during these past years there's certainly been a shift taking place, where first I would treat my emotional and feeling reactions, and thoughts as the real me, like me feeling difficulty and doubting myself is my real self, and so my "real self" communicating to me that I shouldn't do this (which actually is what I am identifying now as the actual me, natural self.) So it's quite a shift now. Is it any easier? I still have to walk through the resistances, and reactions, but I am at have a better understanding about who I am. And like i said in the beginning of the blog, I am lost, and have been lost. But now, after this show, and within the show I was rocking out, being myself, and facing my reactions in real time, and in real time, centering myself again, it is becoming apparent now, what I must do. I must be me.

Reflecting where I am now, what has assisted and supported me is seeing who I am not. I am not these thoughts, emotional reactions, and energies, including feeling reactions. This is MUCH easier said than done. I actually had to see it and realize, through making MISTAKES, plenty of them, and entering into possessions and reactions. You could say I was stubborn, but looking at the situation, I have been like this throughout my whole life, you know? So there really wasn't another way. I guess what helped me was having the right attitude, being humble, and willing to learn and admit to making a mistake.

Okay, so I am ready to be me, and I do this not only for me, which I am very much so doing it for, but also for everyone else that is not living their true self. Because I can see, by doing this process of becoming me, it will have a domino effect onto others.

So watch out world, here comes Yogan.

Monday, April 27, 2015

I am addicted to my negative emotions. 265

Today, I faced a strange design. I was in a situation where someone was giving general advice, that wasn't directed at me, but when I read it, I took it personal, and I reacted to it. I saw it as myself not following her advice and within that I started feeling guilty. When I broke down the moment this is what I found:
At first, I had the Nothing Energy. From there I press the Energy down, and that turns into guilt. If I were to press the energy up, it becomes a high euphoric experience.
When I first read her advice, immediately, many different memories were activated, all connected by how I was not following her advice, as evidenced in her memories, and they were connected by failure, where I deemed these memories as being my failures, and I deemed these memories as where I gave up. In reality these memories are not failures or giving up. Yet, that is what I was judging and believing to be the case, as part of this design. This all happened in one moment. So there is part of the design where i am looking for the worse, for being a failure, for being someone who gave up, and so looking for the justification and trigger for the Nothing Energy.

As part of my behavioral psychology classes, I learned that organisms, like us humans, will unconsciously take on actions/habits if we are systematically given a reward. So knowing this, this explains this overall design of mine. I felt euphoria at the end, where from the guilt, the energy is pushed up, and it feels euphoric. All in all, I would call this design the, looking for the negative, so I can get my positive fix, hence the Nothing Energy representing this as both signifying, this design literally does nothing for me, and the Nothing Energy is simply a placeholder, nothing more. Nothing can also mean, this is a very simplistic, straightforward design, so not complex. The strength of this design I see, is in making something more of something that what it actually is. So let me explain...

The design requires that I make something more of my memories than what they actually were. So in this case, something where I did something wrong. This heavily relies on me having distrust in myself, and placing my trust outside of myself. Why? If I share this verbally to someone, I already expect someone to question me and my analysis of this design, saying something that I am crazy, or wrong. To instead consider that my guilt is real, and that I was in fact wrong in my memories. This is seen and expressed in the phrase "this is nothing." Where throughout my life, I have spoken and heard others speak this phrase: "it's nothing" and within that automatically doubting both them or me, whoever had spoken it. Why? I don't know, it was automatic. Hence, this doubt that is defined and attached to the word nothing, is part of this design, and part of the Nothing Energy. So this design really is nothing. It has no value for me.

All in all, I have to have respect for this design, because it is quite tricky, and I have gotten myself lost in it before in a number of occasions.

Perhaps I should call this the vampire design, because the purpose is to suck dry any negative energy anywhere, just so it can make it into a pleasurable experience. 

Better yet, it is, I am addicted to my negative emotions design. I have written about this in general, but I can't recall really writing it out specifically like this. Where I purposefully think of thoughts that trigger emotions, so that I can turn them into feelings. I notice this tends to happen when i am bored and empty of energy. And I can easily see how I have done this throughout my life, especially where energy was running dry. It's like needing that drama, in your life. The challenge for the hero to win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to access the Nothing Energy, as my starting point for looking for negative energy, emotions in my memories, imaginations, and thoughts, where I use that to make myself feel better, as I directly transform the energy from negative into positive.

When and as i see myself transforming negative emotions into positive feelings, and when i am seeking to feel negative emotions for that purpose- I stop and I breathe, I need to bring some sense to myself, and snap out of the dream like state! I realize I am participating in a long acted in habit, done for fun, as a way to entertain myself when I felt bored or low on energy.

I commit myself to find the solidity of my physical body, connect with that, and let go of the search for negative emotions.

Friday, April 24, 2015

I have been fighting my fears 264

So today I looked the Anxiety Energy, and I found the design to composed of Aggression as a response to the Anxiety Energy, and to be directed towards the trigger for the Anxiety Energy. The Anxiety Energy is distinct from the Nervous Energy, which I wrote about yesterday http://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/04/i-have-been-living-to-meet-others.html What triggers my Anxiety Energy is something I fear, like something that could happen or might happen. If I am not allowed to enter into Aggression, my other response is Depression. Aggression is like a rising up of the Anxiety Energy, focusing primarily on my arms, chest and head region. Depression is a movement of the Anxiety Energy, down. This is my self-forgiveness and what I realized, and so my commitment:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight physically and with aggression towards people who had spoke or shared something with me that frightened me.
When and as I see myself feeling Anxiety Energy – I stop and I breathe- I hold my body close to me, and I calm myself down- I realize that fighting and aggression is not the way for me to face what I fear- I realize that I must be humble and accept that I am the one that is afraid, and that my fears don’t exist outside of what I am feeling.
I commit myself to hold myself, stabilize me.

Why did I write the above? In case it wasn't apparent, I want to make it clear that I am the one feeling the fear, and so feeding the fear, and the fear doesn't exist outside of me. So can I physically harm a fear? No. Does become physically aggressive towards something I feel, change it any way? Only that it feeds it even more. So aggression is a really stupid response to my feelings and experiences, especially fear. Becoming aggressive also makes the statement that the fear is doing something to me, and so is to blame, and something that is happening to me, and not something I am accepting and allowing. This lie would be only ensuring the continuation of the Anxiety Energy. This is why I commit myself to hold myself when the Anxiety Energy is here, so that I do not react to it any longer. 

Thursday, April 23, 2015

I have been living to meet others' expectations 263

Today I was working with the Nervous Energy.

The design of Nervous Energy I found to include the Inferiority experience.

I saw that Nervous Energy would shift into Inferiority when I would receive a question that I didn't know how to answer.

The overall design of the trigger I found to be reacting to what I perceived to be other people's expectations of me.

This would trigger feeling Inferiority when I saw myself as not meeting other people's expectations of me, and I would shift into the Nervous energy, when I was trying to meet the perceived expectations.

So in real time it would occur something like this:

 -Trigger: Someone in my environment (or in my thinking) I perceive that they hold an expectation of me

-Reaction: I would feel Inferiority, because I am not meeting the expectation, and I would shift into Nervous Energy as I try to live into the expectation I believe they are having of me.

In my memories, I do have instances where some people deliberately made fun of how I am, and within that I reacted to them within inferiority, and I did make it into this system where I then sought to become/fit into that which I perceived to be their expectation of me, which was to speak more, thus accessing the Nervous Energy, while trying to live out this expectation, because of the fear of not meeting the expectation, and entering into inferiority again, which was what I feared as well. I honestly did not like feeling inferior. I do not blame these people, I take responsibility for accepting and allowing the experience of inferiority in those moments, and the Nervous Energy in those subsequent moments.

I recognize that I have participated in this for much of my life, since I was very little. And I recognize this to extending to almost everyone I have met, with only a few exceptions. The exceptions were people with whom I didn't have the thought or perception that they had expectations of me, and they were of such a nature that they expressed themselves to make it appear as if they truly accepted me, how I am, and would truly assist and support me, which matched in their actions. This didn't meant that people with whom I had integrated as part of this system, were not like these few exceptions, no. I notice especially that with people I would observe from afar, that even though I knew very little close to nothing about them, I would build in my mind and thought expectations that they could have of me. I am grateful for these few individuals, because they provided and assistant for me to see what I am like when I am not participating in this system, or at least within this nervous and inferiority, and so gave me an access to that potential of living, which I do wish for. But I have been going about it all wrong so far in this life. I also didn't know any better, so I don't blame myself. I believed that I had to first change, become more talkative. When the truth is the answer is what I am doing right now. Understanding what it is I am feeling, why it is the way it is, how I have created and participated within and as it, and to forgive it, and finally walk the real time corrections. There may be more for me to learn about this system, and there may be more to it than what I have uncovered thus far. But I share this process so that others can take a shortcut, and save themselves time. Because that is one of the most precious things we have in this life, is time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with inferiority for not meeting someone else’s expectations for me.

When and as I feel inferiority- I stop, breathe- and I refocus myself on my expectations for myself. I realize that within my expectations for myself, I am clear, and in others expectations for me I am not clear… I am conflicted, and in energy, nervousness, etc… and that is not a way to live.

I commit myself to hold myself up to my own standards.

Monday, April 20, 2015

PANIC!!! Feed your fears! 262

Panic Attacks - Introduction


 So I listened to the above linked interview and it has assisted me greatly. Over a week ago, I had an panic episode, which I can describe as overwhelming, seemingly never-ending, and panic being an accurate word for describing this experience. So this experience has stayed with me, and is still with me on some level inside myself, ready to come up again. What I felt wasn't merely a fear, which is what I have felt before for other things. This interview went into detail to describe something significant, which I observed in me, that is the fear of being in panic. What does this mean?

This means that when I saw I was in fear or panicking, I started panicking even more. This explains why it felt overwhelming and never-ending, because I was literally feeding fear and it was growing inside of me. So why was I afraid, or what was I afraid of? That is what I would like to detail in this blog, as well as apply written self-forgiveness on.

 1. Fear of being in fear/panic because then how I speak, and how others may hear me, will be that of panic/fear, and fearing that I could lose relationships, job opportunities, networking opportunities, clients, or receiving judgments/statements that I am a fearful person, and so being perceived as inferior/weak and so lessening or weakening the relationship or connection with other people through their perceptions of me.

2. Fear of panicking because of how fear/panic harms my physical body, because I can literally feel the energy, and feeling hyped up, and energetic, as if I could be running on adrenaline, and so I wasting and using my physical reserves, and so potentially harming my physical body, and over time, leading to a tiring/weakening, which could lead to consequences in job performance, in how I speak, act, leading to potential injury through lack of physical strength, as well as leading to diseases, illness, through a weakening of my body's immune system since so much of my physical energy went into feeling fearful and in panic, and including losing hair as well, and having bad breath, which could weaken my effectiveness in developing relations and connections with people.

3. Fear of feeling afraid because I fear losing control of my body, and making mistakes, when I am afraid and possessed by fear, and so also fear wasting my time through making mistakes which I can't learn lessons from because I was in fear, and so disoriented, distracted, and lacking control or awareness.

4. Fear of feeling afraid because I fear dying in fear, because I accepted and allowed myself to be in fear, which lead to me physically doing something or not doing something and so leading to my accidental death.

5. Fear of feeling afraid because I fear accidentally causing a consequence in someone else's life, where I did or did not do something because I was afraid, or in fear, and so had lack of control or awareness, and so I wasn't as effective as I could have been if I wasn't afraid or in fear.

Another dimension that this interview that assisted pointed out, is how this experience of fear/panic will layer in the body, and how it leads to me almost jumping out of my body, and so in a way being afraid of being in the body and thus here. So part of the solution, at least to me it appears, is to be here, embrace here and my physical body, which has assisted in me grounding myself. The energy currents are still here, which is why I am writing this blog so I can understand the energy and why it is here. The interview explained how small moments of fear was accumulated, which is something I can identify inside myself. It's time to end this. And so to begin to end, I must understand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling afraid and becoming afraid because of the consequences that does arise with extended participation in fear, instead of realizing I should just stop my fear, not fear it any longer.

When and as I see myself feeling afraid of fear, and so panic, I stop and breathe- I realize that when fear, nervousness, or panic is here, I must simply immediately move myself to release and stop participating in the fear, as I know that participating in fear only needs to consequences that I wish to prevent.

I commit myself to immediately move myself when I am in fear, so that I participate in it at least as possible, and simply continue in my day.

One reaction to fear I have is to suppress it.
I distract myself with thoughts when I feel fear.
I feel twitchy, spasmy when I feel fear.
It feels painful to be aware of my body.
I feel afraid of other people see me being still and stabilizing myself.
When I stabilize myself the best I could, what is left is what I would call trepidation, because it is a slight movement, like a shaking or tremor, that moves back and forth slightly, which is the connotation of trepidation. It is centered in my solar plexus, but it resonates throughout my body, out into my arms, hands and finger tips. So its like a constant, slight shaking. I notice that a few times where I was "afraid" but strangely didn't experience it emotionally, yet it occurred that I was shaking slightly with my muscles. 
One way that I suppress is by getting angry and attacking.
I feel fearful of looking at my memories of trepidation.

1. Giving a presentation in front of science class
2. Receiving a call from my friend.
3. Calling a stranger
4. Presenting to a stranger
5. Speaking about my failures

Saturday, April 18, 2015

When we are a Newb, Naive, Greenhorn, what happens? 261

Today the point opened up for me that I had to accept the statement that I am 100% a newb, naive, or greenhorn when it came to a particular skillset. How I came to this point was interesting, as it started when we first being within reaction, and having to slowly, very slowly, deconstruct what I felt. The process itself of figuring out what I was going through resembled this statement of being a newb, or greenhorn. This can be seen in how when I started writing I had to first identify that I felt bad. From there I specified and specified, so from the general into the specific. I found clear memories where I felt the same way, which led me to identify that this had to do with being a newb at something. The point I reached to now, of having to accept the statement that I am completely a greenhorn, as a solution to my inner turmoil, came out naturally as I seeing how I was resisting and reacting to myself, within my circumstance.

So yes I am a newb when it comes this particular field. And I say this with all honesty, because I really don't have like any effective skills. At best I have seen others apply the skills, and I have a physical body to apply the skills, at least potentially. And when I have tried these skills, I have failed each time, thus far. So yes I am a greenhorn, completely. Within accepting this statement, it has helped me to try again at this skillset, because before I had been reacting so badly, that I couldn't even think about this skillset without reacting heavily. It's like I didn't even want to look at it, at all. Though by reminding myself that I don't have the skills, then with that understanding I find I support myself. It's not like with other skills that I have which are more developed, and I can at least navigate and find some success. With these particular skills that I have very little experience with, there is not even a hint of success. And it's easy for me to react to this, that I am like in the dark stumbling, not even having a chance of finding my way out. But if I am honest that yes, this is my circumstance, finding that acceptance prevents me from reacting. Whereas before, I really couldn't stop reacting at all, and it felt I was going to keep reacting forever. This forever is analogous to how I felt about my current circumstance. So here is the honesty, one that I don't know the future, yet two everything changes and so even by stumbling in the dark, I will eventually, find my way. That is also kind of what I had to accept when I started writing out my experience, because it was so overwhelming, I had no idea where to start, so I literally started with what i had, which was "I felt bad." Lol, I next wrote "I felt very bad." And then I refined it further to "I felt guilty." And so on and so forth, until I developed more and more on what was going on inside of me.

I am already starting to notice a new way of looking at life, because before I noticed I have had an underlining tone of arrogance and annoyance, with people who are not performing well, and now that I am accepting that I am a newb at something, I am finding I am wishing to help and support people who are not performing well, because I am now embracing being a complete, newb, novice, naive or greenhorn as something to even be proud of. So I suggest that when you feel upset over not achieving certain results, to find the self-honesty within you that you are a newb, and to embrace that word wholeheartedly with a pride and honor of yourself, and then I bet you will find that you are quite glad to be where you are right now.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

My Personalities 260

So I made a list of Personalities of mine. I wrote about 8 down. It was interesting seeing this list. For some personalities, I feel this energy along with it. For other personalities there was no energy and I could move freely within it. These personalities are things I do/act in the moment. In comparison to the energetic personalities, these "happen to me" and it is more about an experience of myself, than an actual doing.

One personality that most can relate to, is how we feel and become, when we are first in a relationship. I call it my, "I AM IN a relationship" personality, because that is essentially the trigger. My voice tone changes, I get googly eyed. My head tilts, and I smile profusely. Its very obvious. And for me, as of now, it is still energetic, and it is something that is experienced based, and it just happens to me, versus an a doing/acting/living. For me, it seems obvious that the correct acting/doing/living when starting in a relationship, is to ask questions, and decide what kind of relationship WE will have. How do we want to express ourselves together? What would you and I like to explore? Who do we want to be, as a couple, 2 people, in the future. Who are we going to be, together?

I find that personalities, is a key stepping point in getting to know myself.

One personality I have, that I don't see many people having, is what I call problem-solver. In essence it is solving problems. It can be math problems, writing problems, puzzles, questions, lists of tasks, assignments, games, etc... However, I can say honestly, I have not always accessed this personality when presented with a problem. Because I do have other personalities that I can take on. I have a Suppressing character, that can be activated instead, whose main action is to suppress my experience until it is a blankness/blandness. This personality wasn't designed for problem solving, haha.

So I have multiple personalities.

With my list of personalities, and adding more personalities of mine to the list, I will have a resource, from which I can know who I am, what I am doing in the moment. And have the choice, who I will be?

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Getting my hair cut 259

Getting my hair cut.
So today I got my hair cut. I have had a pretty strong reaction towards haircuts, entering into a mini possession, of fear and anxiety. So today I faced this reaction and was able to calm myself down, and focus on what I could practically do in the moment. Part of the thoughts behind this anxiety is about getting a bad haircut, and also the point of no return, meaning when my hair is cut then it is cut, its too late. I have a particular childhood memory where I ended up crying after a haircut that I didn't want to have.

So, this time, I looked at what I could do. I knew I couldn't really do much. I can only speak to my hair cut person, to let them know what I wanted. I didn't have control over them, and how they were going to act upon my information I am conveying to them. So there was an element of trust, and letting go of control. At the same time of course, I could check and see whether I liked the progress thus far, and of course completely stop the process if things got out of hand. So I reminded myself of this, and I then just focus on being physical, and seeing what I could do to help. I knew that being anxious and nervous can be contagious, and if I was sincerely enjoying the progress thus far that it is best that I show it to my barber. So I smiled slightly as I looked into his eyes to indicate that. I also had followed him as he cut the hair, trying to give him the best possible views of my head, by tilting my head appropriately, as well as keeping my head sturdy, so that I do not sway or move too much. So I was being as present as possible with him.

He asked me if I liked it, several times, and I did. So I smiled and said yeah. At the beginning of my haircut I remember sort of accepting that I didn't know how it was going to turn out, and I just had to go with it, and see, give it a chance, and if it wasn't "good" then that's just how it is, and I would have then a chance to check my reactions.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Feeling Energetic. What is it? A lesson on the importance of making decisions 258

Feeling Energetic.
What is it?
When I feel energetic, as energy, I am motivated to go and do that which is triggering me to feel energetic. Energetic is me moving myself with energy, towards energy, for energy. It is encapsulated with the words, I FEEL ALIVE!!!!   And I FEEL SO GOOD!!!! I am an ENERGETIC PERSON!!!!

A consequence of participating in this Personality, is tiredness, at least the perception, and manifestation thereof, which occurs through a process of accessing this personality regularly, and being the downside to the upside of the personality. Encapsulated within the phrase, what goes up, must come down.

The questions I have, are: why must some things be reasons for me to feel energetic? Why am I not choosing who I want to be, and what I want to do, and how I want to be in the moment? Why am I placing such value on this experience I call feeling Energetic? Why am I not placing such value in who I am, in every moment?

This personality has taken on new triggers over the years, things I could say, "makes me feel energetic" (scare quotes.) When in reality my personality has just been evolving to take on new triggers. All the while, the base program is the same. Only what triggers are used may grow or expand. The experience is the same, and the consequence is as well. I am either energetic or I am tired. I have one final question, why are we as society accept it to be normal, that our Motivation, is a reason why we do poorly on tasks or responsibilities, or why we achieve success, and why we like to do things, or don't like things? Because the truth is staring us in the face, isn't it? We are always choosing who we are, either by acceptance and allowance, or by direct creation. Saying, and so placing the responsibility on our Motivation, is separating us from a part of ourselves. The phrase "I was not motivated" is an excuse.

The way of thinking that was just described, I have seen in myself, as well as everyone I spoke to, when it came to the topic, of "what I like to do," "what am I good at," "what my dreams or wishes are," etc... So it virtually is in all of us. So problems related to being successful, and being healthy, and well, cannot be blamed on our school system, money system, government system, because the system that is limiting us in taking responsibility, has been right here all along. We haven't had any real choice in this life, and we won't until we can actually make a choice, that isn't based within energy.

It's time we end this excuse within us. It's time to end this limitation. We are all capable of much more than what we been restricting ourselves to while making choices within what is "motivating" or "makes us feel energetic."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrict myself to only what makes me feel energetic or motivated, and so deny myself in doing that which doesn't make me feel energetic and motivated, instead of living within making an assessment of practical factors for decision making purposes that align with a principle that is best for everyone, including me.

I commit myself to stop myself when I feel this energy rising within myself, I call energetic, wherein I am reacting and responding to something in my environment or in my mind, and to breathe.   I realize that to following decisions based on energy are not real decisions, they are reactions. Decisions and reactions are not the same thing. To decide right now in this moment, is a decisions. To react right now, is a reaction. They are two completely different things. And I realize that it is always preferable to make decisions, because it uses more information, it is deeper, more thorough and complete, whereas a reaction uses little information and only touches the surface of what is available. I realize that I tend to hurt myself, physically, financially, and personally, more so when I react, versus when I make a decision. In addition, while I may make errors in making decisions, I learn more from moments where I made a decisions that turned into an undesirable result, versus moments where I react, and it leads to the same result. Reactions are typically done within little awareness, so the potential for growth or learning is small. At best, my reactions are teaching me to stop my reactions, by being here, attentive, and making decisions.