Day 88 Why I wake up everyday

So why do I wake up everyday? What am I living for?

So there are many things that I live for, things that I want happen, and things I want to live.

There are people that I want to meet, and to meet again. There are people that I want to know. I want to establish ties with people, connect with them. I live for meeting specific people again one day, and I live for developing and Deepening my preexisting relationship however way I can. I live for getting to know the depths of people. So I live for that human connection, that animal connection, that connection with nature. I want to see people succeed and do well.

I live for the moments with people where we are all relaxed and open and just being ourselves and having fun. I live for those moments with people. I seek to create those moments where possible, but at the same time I only have so much say. So it very much depends on the people.

Practically in my everyday life, I am seeking to earn lots more money so I can be able to bring people together, make things happen, create things that will steer us to where we need to go.

For me it is difficult in daily life where its not possible to have such deep relations or such moments with people due to where the people in my daily life is at in their self/process, as compared to people I know are out there, that I have met, who are there. So in some ways I am living/working towards a future moment, future reality where I can make that more possible, not just for myself but others. 

In daily life what I can do is to connect with such people online, through the phone, which isn't as good as being in person, but its better than not at all.

I live for those real moments with people, those moments of intimacy. Those moments I can't completely control/create alone because it takes TWO people, me and someone else.And that makes it so special. And it makes it worth it even after all those moments of being shutdown, of facing rejection, of being told NO. It makes it worth it. Its something to FIGHT for. And wait for, when you have to wait.

It does hurt and it is difficult being alive sometimes, actually fairly often, because I am alone in the system, I am alone in everyday life, when I wake up. I am more alone in the sense of being surrounded by people in daily life where because of where people are in their process, I can't be me completely and expressly completely as me. It's work, I have to be someone, be how I am for others. But being able to be me, just me, expressively, without doing it for work, its great, its fulfilling.

So yeah its fucking hard and it fucking hurts. But I have to fight for a better future for me and for others. I want that for me.

And yeah, contacting people putting myself out there is difficult as fuck. But I have to do it, its the only way. 

Because also through people, through the connections we make, we make like a grid, a framework that things can be built upon and created from, which will serve a role in the greater process we are walking.

Life isn't meant to be easy. But its worth it.