Sunday, October 28, 2012

Day 25 - Old Soul Make-Belief

As a child i was brought up expecting myself to be a savior. My parents had told me i was an old soul. So i formed a belief about myself that i was somehow more than others. For no apparent reason other than i was an old soul and so acted more mature. This was certainly an act. So i notice that in my writings i am very self-assuming. yes well this is abusive because it assumes and i really have not investigated points thoroughly in detail. Now having understood this about me i must now change this about me as it will lead to consequences i would rather not create. i notice how this has influenced my general writing even for school where i would think what i write is good, but without considering how it was good, i would only feel that it was good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use feelings to judge whether something i written as good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing emotions and feelings while seeing what i write.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my writings while reading what i wrote.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that i was an old soul.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be an old soul and so assume i was an old soul as i accept and allow desire to direct me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see desire as separate from me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from desire.
 When and as i see myself assume i am an old soul, i stop and i breathe - i realize that who i am is here, and not an old soul, so breathe -
i commit myself to stop any thought i am an old soul
i commit myself to simply breathe here when i see i start generating feelings when thinking i am an old soul.
i commit myself to stop assuming things about who i am and start seeing who i am, so I take responsibility to direct myself.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Day 24 New Responsibilities

cool pic

So its cool I have taken more responsibilities. I feel afraid of failing at my new responsibilities and what consequences may rise. For example if I allow myself to not be a proper buddy. I realize I have the proper support to ask questions from several sources and so there is no excuse. I am able to do this, so simply breathe and walk it. Same with school, breathe and walk it. No excuses, I only have one life. I am in a cool position so lets see what we can make of it!! I started this behaviorist journey to life blog, as in naming it, after I realize the magnitude of this message for everyone.
            Im walking separately a thesis point where I will get the chance to study what I found with myself and behaviorism in greater detail. This may involve a literature from many different disciplines in psychology. One point is how we have allowed aversive emotions where we think oh no, this is feeling I am feeling it, therefore act like this. Lol. This goes mostly unnoticed by most people. Conformity is a great example where when people conform there is always some anxiety involved.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear completing my responsibilities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not walk breath by breath my responsibilities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as everyone to participate in conformity without questions whether this is what is best for all I am conforming to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as parents and society not take responsibility for self and thus showing the way for children to take self-responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility by not directing myself within everything I do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the commonsense in forgiving and letting go.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not push myself to be the most I can be.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Day 23 Words as Who I Am, Why Removing Energetic Definitions on Words is Important.

For this blog I am going to take a memory I just had in my conscious mind. I had written a stream of consciousness as part of an assignment on what you perceive with ‘black.’ I wrote something like sitting on the ocean, laying in the waves feeling the blackness of where my eyes are closed and I simply am relaxed. I had read this to the class and then the teacher said wow, and then asked whether anyone else written something positive with black. Everyone else did not. I then saw the teacher saw me as special. And then I believed myself to be special. Whether he was thinking this or not, I gladly accepted his appraisal.
            So this point opened to a similar point of imagining a teacher being impressed with my work and sharing it with the class. I had made a commitment as a child to completely trust my teachers and listen to everything they said because they are teachers. There is no good reason to not question teachers or to not listen to self-honesty. In my case it worked out to place me in university. Though man! I struggled in university since my early school experience was simply memorizing. Now you had to know the material to a T such that you live as the information as a knowledge head. No guides or directions, simply be the guy that knows it all. How to write, speak and live the info. You don’t have time to question things really. And you can see in the memory point there is already the point that only those that get the teachers attention and approval will make it to elite universities.
           Another thing, what I wrote as part of my assignment was cool, but because my teacher saw it special and because everyone else had a negative picture to black, I thought I was somehow better, and so this is how physical placements supports the separation of humanity. I still am responsible for me however and how I now face this system and change it as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as special and so contribute to the enslavement of humanity to their own minds and thoughts, which are their creation, lived separately from themselves.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as special if someone expresses wow after I have said something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the words I wrote and spoke on the ocean and black as special or good, as an energetic reaction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see self-honestly that thinking I am special and reacting to the thought I am special is dishonest and not who I am, as who I am is my words, and so to react to oneself is to separate yourself from your words and who you are. Which is expression here.
When and as is see myself reacting to my own words, I stop and I breathe – I realize my words are not something to place value on separately from commonsense and practically seeing words as words as communication of self – I realize my words are not separate from me and it is a lie to think they are separate from me and so create energy in that friction to attempt to make the lie real- I realize words are like breath, they are here and expressed in a moment- I realize that the relationship of energy and good/bad is divisive and so instead to unite all under the common banner of life that we are here equal and one.
I commit myself to forgive any separation from words through energetic judgments
I commit myself to align words to myself and so not allow judgments of words as that would lead to separation.
I commit myself to walk one point at a time so as to be effective in what I do and better see where I am accepting and allowing ulterior motives known as energy relationships that I still have within me.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Day 22 - Self-forgiveness and correctiveness statements for Day21

These are self-forgiveness and self- corrective statements for day 21. I suggest reading the preceding post before reading this post.
By Kelly Posey

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek relationships to relive an experience of blessed stored within me as a memory from an early childhood experience, where I believed that it was my relationship with my parents and specifically the particular relationship with my mom that was the reason/cause for my experience within me as a energetic feeling known as love, which in fact was due to an accepted and allowed reaction to something in my environment, and so was separate from me from my mind’s point of view and so not my responsibility that I was powerless and helpless to prevent or control this experience that it was natural and how things were suppose to be, when in fact I am the initial creator and have separated himself from his creation as himself, as the physical, and so why humanity is where we are now, separate creators separated from our creation as the physical otherwise all physical pieces/parts/wholes would be cared for by us.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as more whole or more complete if a woman is standing beside me/dedicated to me, which would firstly indicate I am not responsible for me and every part of me, but have divided myself to be less than who I am, and so thinking/believing/perceiving myself to be always lacking and always dependent on a singular being existing in my life, and so live a lie where if this being were removed I would be here, and it is actually the physical that supports us and allows us to be here, with food, water, and support.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to manifest the point of relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the point of relationship, which I desire to manifest as a point separate from me and so not within my responsibility as I hang back in my mind and not in the forefront here where existence exists.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself here without being in a relationship and so fear my own fear, fear of self.
When and as I see myself desiring relationship while I am reminded I am alone and so start fearing fear of self – I stop and breathe – I realize I have to sort myself out first before even considering starting a relationship/agreements – I realize if an agreement does not support me to be more or do more there is no point to it - I realize I must first support myself here first to be able to do what is best for all and so life – I realize relationships are suppose to enhance us not weigh us down or take from us, but be a thing of support for all parties involved – I realize this can only occur in equality where both are equal beings walking equally.
I commit myself to walk process with myself first before attempting to walk it with another.
I commit myself to walk my process until it is stable and very seasoned before taking on the challenge of agreements.
I commit myself to push myself further in my process to one day take additional challenges, like agreement or desteni projects, or political positions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to feel better as an energetic experience, and so not actually feel better but I am creating the inevitable decline and depression we all know very well as seen in procrastination, depression episodes, anxieties, fears, all connected to sources of desires and happiness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more expressive as an energetic experience of myself as having lots of energy, and feeling uncontrollable, which is lived in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to live the experience of being part of a happy couple, which I formed as an image in my mind from early childhood through watching television, movies, and seeing couples where I made judgments that this is what I want that I desire the happiness that I believe is being lived and expressed within this image I have in my mind stored and kept in secrecy, and so believing it is natural to think relationships are human’s birthright and it is ok if couples get together and disaster is formed because it was their choice, and so within this saying I have free choice, including to create my own demise through desiring to live in secrecy a picture stored within me as memory from childhood as a goal, or the goal of life/happiness, and so completely ignore and degrade life for what life is, as the equality of all beings together as one not in separation but in unison.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I will be happy in a relationship and not realize that only self can live self and so live happiness for and as self, not dependent on the fact you are in or not in a relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider whether what I am saying is what is best for all in this moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate what is best for all and consider what is best for all and see what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a teacher and so exert superiority over others, which occurs only in my mind, and so not realizing it takes two to tango and so by stopping the teachers part of exerting superiority in one’s mind to better support other beings in realizing superiority and inferiority are scams/shams.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sell myself out to an education to one day hope to get a job and so money and security, not realizing that I am selling out my vote and any chance at living a complete change in the system by not seeing realizing and understanding change must be walked step by step and so within a commitment to see through a new system that will support what is best for all and so life, really, within education and all other fields.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Day 21- Look out world here's Freddy.

Self-forgiveness and commitments pertaining to this post

So in my private writings I had opened up the point of relationships and how I seek relationships to relive an experience of bliss when my parents were in love and I thought I felt love from my parents. Which of course, is an experience within me and so has nothing to do really with my parents but with me. I bring this point up because I am looking at a point that opened up where I see myself as better or more if there is a woman who is standing by me, so to speak. Which is very not cool that because something outside me is different, who I am changes. So I see desire to manifest this point of relationship and I see I fear losing this point, not attaining this point, as I fear who I am without this point, and so in this way fear my own fear. I have to become comfortable with me first to get to know me first before embarking on any relationship, which is a good suggestion for anyone to take. Otherwise you can imagine what can go wrong from being with another and not even knowing yourself. MAJOR CONSEQUENCES. Which will lead to regret, and no one likes regret.
Im going to just push myself here, for a moment. Why do I want relationship. I feel better. I am more expressive when in a relationship. You are just happier, youcan see couples as happier than everyone else, so that must mean I will be happy. One observation I have is everyone looks at the positive but does not see the fall of the relationship. Why do people break up? If they were so happy at one point how can from that point manifest anger, sadness, resentment, jealousy? The commonsense answer is people don’t know themselves, there is no self that knows who self is, what self does, how self does it, and why. Otherwise why is nasty shit accepted and allowed? So…
Similar evidence is found in one’s words. Our words are programmed. We have programmed, phrases that we just accept and allow and are happy/positive when we hear other say the same phrases. So we end of copying and recopying phrases, statements, opinions, as strings of words connected in a certain order and way and so in this way do not see past our noses to see we are speaking in phrases as our thoughts are phrases and memorized. Our culture can be seen as like a machine that memorizes. For example, we have computers, that store massive amount of information, and in schools we memorize massive amount of information. There is no critical thinking as long as we depend on programmed words and phrases, and so are using words defined in limited meanings, sentences contexts, prechosen to support what has been supported, and decided in the past. We have not stopped and consider that what I am saying was not a deliberate act of understanding all that can be said and what is best from all that can be said. We don’t consider what is really required to be said as it being the best from investigation, and considering and seeing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think who I am will change when I enter into a relationship, when who I am does not change unless I am the one who changes me, so it is always self-change and self-acceptance and allowance, and never an outside point, which only manifests with lack of understanding how self has created self, to be but a machine programmed to be programmable with certain stimulations, namely energy as love or fear, acquired from all those that have come before us, our ancestors, taught by our parents primarily and accepted and allowed since its inception at childhood/first years. 

And so another point opened up where I have always desired to teach others how things are and work. Like listen to me because I know. And if I know I am the wineer (read whiner). So, this serves the system of knowledge and information we have all enslaved ourselves to, which of course happens primarily in childhood and school. We sell ourselves out for an education to one day get a job and money. I remember being shown that doing poor, not accepting school will leave you without a job and no money. Which is already installed into us as fear. Its really really really not cool, as we continue the point, as we see it is all accepted and allowed under the hubris that rule-breakers pay the price, which is death. You can’t leave the system, and so what else is there to do but sell yourself. So our teachers then are the real police to keep us in line. What happens when you question authority, you are made an example of. No one would dare question things then. Of course you have your more liberal teachers, but there is never the will to see through a system that really can deliver what is needed in every moment. Food, water, security, stability. We are and have been basing our system on thin air. The basic neccesities have been made conditional and something you are not guarantee to have or get, money. Whoever has the money can get you to do many things, just to survive. We all know this is not right. And so join us in a real solution. Uncoditional money, equal money, because life is life, it needs support whatever form you have your form likely needs maintenance. LOL. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sell myself out to a system designed on fear, and not work for a solution that actually practically considers the life form that is us and from the EARTH. 

Day 20- My Name, a Program of Fear/Reward

 My name, Yogan.
So a point opened just now where my name Yogan, was used in a particular context, and I saw myself feeling scared. I was like dead afraid I would toe out of line. This is obviously from my early years where as a child your told not to do something or something you did was wrong, all the while not realizing it has nothing to do with punishment but correction. Punishment however is used by parents and others to teach children to not do something. Now, HOW CAN YOU EXPECT CHILDREN NOT TO REALIZE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PUNISHMENT BUT PHYSICAL CORRECTION IF YOU ARE SHOUTING, BEING ANGRY, AND ABUSIVE AND PUNISHING? Parents then are obviously not properly trained to have children, so suggest don’t have kids until you sort yourself out first. You can start with this simple point being discussed here.
            So I was afraid in this context, which fear, commonsense, is not cool. Why am I afraid? Again, this comes from childhood, a particular experience which formed a memory which left an imprint. This imprint is such that I react in fear when I hear someone asking me: Yogan, what have you been doing? This is a memory where I was enjoying myself in a point and a parent/guardian asked me what I was doing. I however saw they were afraid and upset. So I become afraid and upset. I did not understand that I did not understand. The innocence of children needs to be understood by all, so we do not rape children with our own fears, imprinting into themselves to then form personalities, like the one I am opening in this blog. 

            Looking at one dimension of this name point, I am behaviorally trying to run, hide, leave, get away, as if I did something wrong. Which commonsense, wrong/bad/good/right does not exist. Look at children do they know they do good/bad once they are born? No they are taught it. They are taught through punishment and reward. By parents and by everyone who uses punishment and reward on themselves and tries to teach it to others.
            Behaviorally then I am simply a reaction, unconscious and unaware of commonsense. In this way I have never left childhood. I am still undeveloped and frozen in time. Which is why I implore or suggest strongly, all write out themselves, which is the first step to understand yourself, get to know yourself.
            So in this particular context I was on the phone and all I heard was my name being said and a question: what have you been doing? From my perspective I see as if I did something wrong, that this being will disapprove of, which I believe strongly. So I fear then saying this. And I fear have to face fear so I do not force myself to say this. One point have participated in is forcing myself to do that which I fear. Self-honestly, this has had mixed results, which I would say is not best for all. Because I even though I may do something I am afraid, what I am doing is not best for all, as for example (just an example) walking outside naked. I do this, but how does this support what is best for all? Yes of course I it can be from self-expression, but self-honestly I see not so, at least with points I fear and with me.
            With me, I know there is desire connected to the fear. Like fear of loss, where I fear losing the respect (read reward) from this person. I become so consumed by fear I do not see this motivated point to cause myself to experience fear. It is similar to the game point I raised in my last writings, where I participate as fearful upset loser just to hope one day to be the winner, and be happy. Which is abusive. Looking at “what did you do Yogan?” I am hoping one day to say I did xyz which I believe are great/good/praiseworthy things. So to keep this pattern I need to play the polarity, being in fear when I cannot say xyz, but have abc. So lets stop judging what is good/bad according to how others see things, and rather look at what is best for all and fight for that so to not give in to what our parents, and systems before us have told/taught us. The system is within us, as us. The temptation is us. Breathe and let us not give into temptation, us as a hero or loser, but realize hey, I am here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear punishment and desire reward.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek reward when a person says my name and asking me what I am doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid when someone says my name when asking me what I have been doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see for me how I have organized desire and fear, such that I participate in both, when participating in one or the other.
Time to stop, fear and desire, and so stop punishment reward that do not support what is best for all, and cause children to doubt themselves and seek selfish goals that abdicate responsibility, and self-knowing and understanding of life.  

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

day 19- Insecurities and Positive Strivings.

see my video, where i read this post outloud. 

Point: getting nervous when I think someone is listening to me play on the piano. 
Note: this a continuation of Day 18 -I played the piano tonight
Another dimension I can consider is the moment I decide to play the piano. I had in this particular context, Sunday night, felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I was reacting emotionally that snowballed from a particular event. The ‘event’ was a moment of fear of having to face beings intimately and so face conflict. Why conflict? Because the world is a mess, and most beings have the opinion that the world is fine or good, or they fear taking responsibility for the mess, which all really is responsible. Now, what is interesting about this is I am creating conflict because I am expecting conflict and to find something that is not what I expect I would be surprised which would mean I am unprepared. So bottom line, stop creating the world as it is through the expectation the world will continue as it always has: getting worse. Rather work for practical solutions and steps that can be individually walked with oneself and with a group that will ensure and outcome that is best for all.
Warning: I am not saying don’t expect things, rather stop creating that which is found in this world, within yourself, and rather start creating what is best for all within yourself, so for each moment we walk we can immediately and effectively create what is best for all, since we prepared ourselves to be that and live that always, in every way or moment.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict, instead of seeing how conflict is and always has been created by me within me and so is not separate from me and so is not bad but simply needs to stop for cooperation and clarity to be understood.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create conflict within me.
Fearing my own fear, lololol
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live my commit to myself to write everyday because of a teensy bit of fear.
I realize writing is what is going to get me through this. With writing I can be honest and cross-reference myself easily to see what I am still and have still not stopped participating in. This is a process I walk with myself, so lets get to it.
I commit myself to write everyday.

Continuing the post from yesterday ‘day 18 - I Played the Piano Tonight’ the point opened that I was participating in fear of rejection. Where I feared people coming up to me to tell me my music was bad. This is a recurrent point, fear of rejection. Which is obviously connected to fear of loss. I fear losing an opportunity to play my music for others to hear.  Why do I desire for others to hear me play? The answer is obviously ego. I fear losing the opportunity for aggrandizement, praise. I fear losing the feelings and energy which I have judged positive and good, that would/could be created. I see I am less than myself in that I have not in fact really directed myself at all, otherwise why would I place myself in a competition with myself to earn as much feelings and praise possible. Humans that have become so programmed that selfishness itself is supported and programmed by parents onto children to follow sweets, and “emotional nurturing” which is the parents imposing what had been imposed onto them. The physical is literally forced onto, and raped with these programmings. This is my basic program, follow what is rewarding for me. Be motivated by that which causes good feelings within you. Be depressed by that which causes bad feelings within you. Chase after the light, and find a way to ensure only good feelings, as what else can there be? Ignore the negative, don’t look at the negative, it will harm you, and you are not responsible for the bad things that happen to you, it is the world’s fault. I am perfect don’t listen to them. Just meditate and show you are perfect. Show you can silence your mind to prove your perfection. Share your stories so they can believe you. Tell them what they want to hear. Remember it is not your fault if they fail, it is theirs, etc…..
            So I would not be surprised if some have read my program and not be shocked and actual defend the program. To be frank, this program is completely abusive. It is ego based, and selfish. Not good or kind in any way shape or form.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear rejection, in some twisted way of living out a game of winners and losers thinking that I need to fear rejection so that I can play the game so that I may one day hope to be the winner and achieve my positivity, all the while missing the truth that I am literally causing myself and this body pains, where it is not necessary and is ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow fear of loss along a path where I hope will lead to positive feels and the emotional nurturing I earned as a child, and so in this way I was programmed in childhood to chase my highest dream (reward) that I wanted for me, and did not care what happened to the rest, this world, or this body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow to hope of victory (= equals fear of loss) to a place where video games were rewards for my good behavior, and so lose myself, and what is really valuable, myself as the physical and this reality.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the positive strivings is no different than the negative creations of hopelessness, loss, fearfulness, and lonelyness, as you cannot have participate in one without participating in the other.
I commit myself to stop playing mind games in positive or negative reactions.
I commit myself to start breathing and being real here, an equal being of this earth, equal to the mind and equal to the process of writing I am walking.
I commit myself to be an equal with and as this physical body, where my starting point of honesty starts with the physical as it is what is real.
I commit myself to investigate the physical body and continue understanding my physical through a process of correction and walking with and as the physical as equal.

day 18 - I Played the Piano Tonight

Point: getting nervous when I think someone is listening to me play on the piano. 
Tonight I got nervous while playing the piano, when I thought someone is listening to me play. I looked towards the door for a moment, and I felt fear. I see I am afraid of someone getting angry at my music and thinking what I am playing on the piano sounds bad. This has happened before where I was playing the piano a few years back and someone asked me to not play for right now. I imagined someone was pressing against the door or right outside the door and listening. I then felt separated from my fingers and lost control of what I wanted to play next. I then felt frustrated as I had no control and I saw I gave up my control because I felt afraid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous while playing the piano and having thought someone was listening to me play the piano.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear someone hearing me play the piano.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being told not to play.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear thinking my music sounds bad and what I am playing sounds bad
When and as I see myself feeling afraid while playing the piano, I stop and breathe – I realize that if someone wants me to stop playing they can tell me and I would be happy to listen to them – I realize there is nothing to fear as if a being wants to communicate to me what he thinks of my music, he can – I realize that words do not hurt – I realize I do not have to suffer when playing the piano, but can enjoy myself by stopping fear, and simply breathing and playing as myself, here in honesty.
I commit myself to stop fearing and start breathing when I play the piano.
I commit myself to simply play the piano and enjoy, in honesty. 

To be continued..........

Monday, October 8, 2012

Day 17 - Punishment and Reward


This morning I had an interesting revelation, that I have employed punishment and reward in many if not all of my actions. Its like a feeling, which is biologically based and self-created. I know its self-created and even automatized because I can stop and no longer punish and reward myself for said actions, at least within these moments here.
            I notice that the same behavior has been conditioned to punishment and reward, such as sleeping in my bed, where I find it aversive or punishing to wake up and get out of bed. Within trying to do so I find it rewarding or reinforcing to immediately lay down and sleep again once I sit up to get out of bed. But within this moment I did not allow myself to do this. Instead I focused on the sounds of the outside morning which I found rewarding.
            So my morning was like this, I was realizing how pretty much everything has been influenced and conditioned to reward and punishment, such that when I was walking around in my body this morning it was like I was seeing myself and this world for the first time. I was able to breathe here and experience this world, this body in this environment, and notice how there are these influences within me that try to influence me to do something because they are rewarding (because I think they are). Understand that it is like the moment before I decide they are rewarding, said actions. This could be called or seen as thinking or imagining about the future or how things are. Another thing, it is like I create my reality before I live it or actually experience it and get to know it, really as what it will actually be like. And I have the excuse that I do know it before I experience it, which can be seen in all humans as the mind’s claim for knowledge and specialness of knowledge, saying “I know what this experience is, I have had it before, why waste my time in experiencing it again, I know what it will be like.” Which brings me to another cool realization the mind says as well in everyone, “I was expecting something better, I knew this experience, and this experience was not suppose to be this experience, L.” LOL. So you see how ridiculous this is? We are living in the past, moments before life actually happens or occurs; missing the current moment, while thinking about the next, which makes sure we miss the next, which next creates another thought like above shown, where we can be sad, which creates another missed moment, which also occurs in thinking and so on and so forth.
It is to watch for these influences and FORCES, and stop by no longer participating in these FORCES for good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make getting out of bed aversive and punishing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make waking up aversive and punishing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make it rewarding and reinforcing to sleep and lay down after having gotten up from bed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the sounds of the morning rewarding.
When and as I see myself feeling aversion to waking up while knowing it is time for me to wake, I stop and breathe – I realize that waking is simply physical – I realize it is time to wake – I realize aversion is self-created and currently not supporting self as I require to wake.
I commit myself to simply wake in the morning, no aversion, no rewarding, just wake.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in punishment and reward as myself as a system within me, in separation of me, and in separation of this moment, and which directs me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow myself to be directed by punishment and reward and not stand up within that as myself to direct as myself what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live vicariously through the mind as to not ever experience reality really but live in a shadow of what is real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow reward and to avoid punishment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my behaviors and actions to be reinforced by rewards and be extinguished by punishment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand as what we were born to stand, as life as who we really are, as an equal to this existence and so not less than or more than punishment, reward, reinforcement, or punishment, but equal to that and so able to stand equal to ourselves and direct ourselves to do that which is best for all, which considers ourselves minutely and thoroughly since all is self and so all is equal.
I commit myself to live here in this moment, and be aware of these FORCES so that I stop participating in them and considering them within the equation of what is best for all.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Day 16- Love at first Sight?


Oct 1 2012
I saw X, I slowed down to say hi. ( I saw she was looking away and I thought she might be embarrassed) I was watching her eyes as I was telling her: How are you? She responded, good you? (I did not consider she was simply expressing herself) I kept walking, I thought then, imagined, I had told her: I was sitting outside if you wanted to join me. (I had imagined she would like to sit with me) I then reacted in fear, and told myself no, im going to go sit outside like I planned. I went to the spot I had told myself I was going to sit. I thought there would be too many people walking by that it would be awkward. (I thought she would see me sitting close by yet I separated myself fro everyone else) I also thought it would be not sunny, so not cool. I started then heading somewhere there was sun, outside. I had then imagined if I had asked X out, to which I reacted positively (I imagined she would have said yes to me). But I see this point is just in my mind and that I would never do this, yet I feeding this image this thought of me doing this. (I am keeping my secret inside that I would think X would like to go out with me) I see that it is feeding my ego, as I judge X to be great and fantastic and that a girl like that going out with me would be amazing, as she seems stable and cool. (I think she would be great at sex) I would see myself having fun within that relationship (sex). I have this idea then that relationship’s primary point is fun (sex). But as I have learned in my most recent blog, a relationship won’t stand unless both persons can stand together as equals as creators creating themselves with a real being, being informed/aware of the creation intimately. Both being honest to the slightest dishonesty and stupidity of the self.  And then correcting together and walking from there as life is a process where we continuously create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider that agreement is a commitment oneself makes for oneself to stand and walk with another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react positively to imagining asking X out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it is normal to react to the thoughts you think.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express happiness as a way to selectively raise certain relationships instead of expressing myself equally (quality) with all points.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not share myself as time, effort, and self with all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about certain beings only.
When and as I see myself feel happy while thinking about certain beings, I stop and I breathe – I realize that all is here and all is equal – I realize there is no specialness or inequality with life –
I commit myself to be practical within my tasks by not allowing emotional reactions to move me in any context
I commit myself to apply commonsense within my tasks.
I commit myself to find a way to do what is best for all in my tasks, and time on this earth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am I process of creating myself in every moment. 
To be continued............................................................................................................................