Yogan's Journey to Life

 My self-forgiveness and self-honesty are no longer effective, not for a while. And I aim to fix that. One of the things that is constantly in my mind while writing a blog and self-forgiveness online is others who are reading it. I am thinking about how it will affect others, and how they will react to it. I am worried about how it can inadvertently affect others, in ways that don't seem obvious. And I have this painful intuition on my body that responds when I do things. I am really in a fucked up situation. Its like I am scared to live. Cause I had my heart broken. Which is what has happened before several times in my life. Except this time it was my deepest wishes and desires, of friendship, camaraderie, sharing, openness, community. It was my faith in humanity, the goodness of others. That being said, its not your fault or their fault. That is who we are now, we are quite messed up, evil mother fuckers, quite demented, quite broken, quite sadistic, ruthless etc...  I remem...

 So another blog on the human mind/programming details using myself as the example.  One of the reasons why blogging is supportive is by having your programming out there in the world, it frees you. Because part of it is keeping it a secret. By saying that you have this issue, then people can't use it against you.  Fear can only work in the moment/here. Fear doesn't exist in the past or the future. You can only ever feel afraid now. The same with everything else really. The only thing that exists is what is here/now. So if you find yourself thinking about some future moment and feeling fear, then realize you are only feeling fear right now, and so all you have to do is to move yourself in this moment. Step out of the fear in this moment. And so don't think or believe that a future fearful moment will happen. I notice this type of thinking of feeling afraid of being afraid of like a future moment. So your in your mind thinking about how something will happen and how you wo...

   There is this Challenge with Being in this World. Who we are, the entirety of who you really are, is here accessible for you to see. It requires accessing your entire self in a moment, what sums you up as a person. You can access that point in a moment. The thing is that most of us, like all of us really, are existing in a level of ignorance, where we don't want to be aware of who we are.  The Challenge is simple, to know who you are, change who you are as those parts of yourself that are not best for all, into what is best for all. And by each of us doing this, we each become what is best for all, and together we stand as what is best for all. Simple.  For the eons and the ages there have been people who have been pointing to this Know Thyself point. So basically this is the Challenge and it is quite challenging, and we have not succeeded yet. We are reaching a point where consequences that have been accumulating will finally come to fruition. So that means a gre...

Recently I wrote out this phrase,  "When you are really faced with the Heat of yourself, the Darkness, and the Deceptive Light of yourself.... no one's motivation or words will be the saving grace.... its all you baby! haha. We need Self-Willed individuals.... and that process is like the formation of diamond. Its under a lot of pressure and takes time." And the specific words, the Heat of yourself is specific. It encapsulates and captures a very nice meaning, and real time moment with the Mind and reactions that I have lived and I'm sure humans everywhere have lived/faced. I would like to unpack this to bring attention to it, for it may assist others and its a very nice reference for that. I also will cover the solutions as well and taking responsibility as well. Facing the Heat of Yourself I notice that Heat is very much connected to two things you have Romance/Love, getting caught up in the heat of the moment... and also the moment when you are in a heated a...

Being Alone There is a system within me that 5 parts to it. Each part relates to this Trauma of being Alone growing up, being alone as who I am, being alone as my story, being alone as my past, the physical behaviors and ways I act out due to this Trauma of being alone. The 5 parts of the system are: 1.      Feeling/Thinking my life is meaningless and purposeless. This is very well captured by the end of the Bohemian Rhapsody song “Nothing really matters, anyone can see, nothing really matters, nothing really matters to meee…. Any way the wind blows….” These have been constant and consistent backchats in my recent days going back to several years. Where I would try to stop it and stand up from it, though never really ending it or changing it. But I did use this as a starting point to write out my purpose to become a data scientist and use that money to create my life and support the life of others. So I didn’t let it stop me, I worked with it however w...

So reality brought before me moments with people that are from my past, and so recreating the dynamic of relationships and moments from my past in front of me. So here I am literally facing my past again. Within me and as me I reacted, I reacted in the same way I have reacted before in the past. My reaction so to feel stressed, depressed, misplaced, anxiety, unsettled. Within seeing this, that I what I am facing is literally my past in this moment, then what I have to do is walk this moment HERE, the only moment that is here, as the Me that I am now, that I direct here and now. The past is gone, even though people are here recreating the moments and living it as themselves, they are NOT me and I am not bound by the past, or by past rules, or by how I should be because that is how I used to be in relation to them. I can create here, how I am, who I am, in the moment, without Shame, without Guilt, with Peer pressure. I stand as the new me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ...

Women, Girlfriends, Crushes, Secret Admirer I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love all these women throughout the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love some women because of how they looked. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love women because I believed I needed a lover, a wife, a partner. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love someone because its what I am supposed to do. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the unbearable pain within me while I was in love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act out within this unbearable pain as love, and act on this unbearable pain. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my body through hell because I wanted Love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to myself to hold my body ransom through unbearable pain as love, in order to force myself to go after someone like ...

I noticed something. I bought some soda and was drinking it regularly the last week. I noticed something weird in my body. I had a lessened sensitivity to pain. It was weird. I later checked and caffeine does decrease the sensitivity of pain receptors. I never had so regularly drink caffeine. It was weird. Though it does bring up an important topic to talk about, and that is Pain. Normally, there is just pain throughout different parts of my body. And it is normal. Its not this immense pain, but then again its how you look at it too. Its the normal pain of just being alive and being physical. It is also the key to being sensitive to physical reality. It is being highly alert, or lets just say alert. In the same way that is how you enjoy the physical reality through physical senses. Enjoying the feel of the wind on your skin or the feel of water, or just the feel of laying down on a surface. It is all through physical senses. And where you are aware of what it feels through the body, ...

Oneness and Equality means that you are willing to do anything for the whole. You are willing to give up privileges, rights, if these things stand in a way of what is best for all. You are willing to follow rules and laws if these support what is best for all. You are willing to give up guns, drugs, alcohol, sex, freedom if it meant what is best for all. You have to consider the relativity of things. Relative this. Right now the world has seen incredible expansion and growth. If oil/gasoline was never discovered, we wouldn't have all that the richest 50% has access to on planet earth. Do you know what oil and gasoline is? It is the living body, the living tissue of plants and animals that has been stewing for a fucking long time. It is a very Condensed form of energy that humans just found. But it took a fucking long time to create. So you do the math. Things are relative. Freedoms are relative. They are relative to what our economic luxury and our environment has to offer. Hum...

Let's talk about the Real Evil in this reality. Today I saw how I automatically started speaking in a SAD WAY, even though I didn't feel sad. I spoke this way automatically because I needed to tell someone something and I didn't know how to, and if I spoke this way it would make it easier for them to hear me. Because when I speak in a sad way I manipulate the person. They can't feel angry at me. Cause I am sad, and that brings out emotions in them. I have faced people speaking in a sad way to me and that caused reactions in me. So this is PROOF that we manipulate people automatically, unconsciously. Was I aware that I was doing it? Only when I saw in the moment that yes I was speaking sad, and no I did not feel sad. I did not make a decision to now speak sad. It happened automatically. So theoretically I can see how we all as humanity are like this. We are all manipulating all the time without really being aware of it. Afterwards I had a good feeling. I felt good ...

There are a million different abuses and problems in the world. Oceans are dying, the Earth is dying, children are dying and being abused, animals are dying, greed, violence, and an economic that perpetuates it. And on and on.... I am the meaning of Life. Saving the planet is not the point. Saving the world is not the point. Saving children is not the point. Saving the animals, the waters, the people are not the point. I am the point. I am a child. I am a planet. I am a water, a people, a earth. I am an animal. Am I saving me? I am living in emotional turmoil and suffering. I am living in abuse. What am I doing about it? Where is the value for the life that is me? How I treat me, isn't that how I will treat others? Is it possible to do what is BEST for others, even when I am not doing what is BEST for me? I may be thinking I am saving others or doing what is best for others, but is that not from my limited point of view if I am still abusing me, putting me through hel...

Imagine, hearing the sound of people that you loved and cared about and were completely committed to, making sounds of wanting you out, cheering for you to be gone, being completely against you and knowing that the reason is because someone is manipulating them and telling them lies. Imagine, the first person you ever kissed, who you were completely committed to, and wanted to be with and spend time with, telling you that they don't want to spend time with you anymore and that you are a burden to them. Imagine that you blamed yourself. There is absolute suffering, hell, devastation within you. You heart is shattered. Your in constant suffering within yourself. You feel remorse and grief. You feel pain and anguish. You want to cry from the pain you feel.   You are traumatized. You are stuck and frozen in time. Do you have any preparation for this? Is there anyone that can actually assist you properly? Because getting angry, wanting revenge and blaming.... are not an...

So a few days ago, either 2 or 3, I wrote a blog about motivation, and what motivates to do what I do, live the principle I wish to live, that is what is best for all. So during the last few days, including today, more points that are motivating for me emerged. So I wish to share that today. Okay so one motivation is about the future. Where when I think about or aware about a utopia, essentially. A world where everyone's needs are met, where everyone supports one another, and is friendly with one another. This is why I have been motivated to read and understand the Living Income Guaranteed (LIG) proposal [ livingincome.me ] And that is also why I have been able to understand what it will take, and be willing to commit my life to that, and being able to sacrifice the freedom to pursue other things, because such a reality, even the possibility of it is greater than being guaranteed a personal life that is comfortable and entertaining. Because living income, and life, is not abo...

So tonight I am writing, which is the end of the day. Early today, in the morning, I made a commitment to try out something painful, as a reminder. So I am assessing right now what I have found. However, because I am writing a public blog, I should explain what I mean. So this morning, I was looking at something within me. I was firstly looking at how effective I have been in following my schedule. There was much improvement that can be done. I am also on the start making and executing a long plan, and in order for my plan to be effective I need to be consistent everyday. So I was looking into my past and seeing when I had been effective in living out a plan, or living consistently everyday. So I notice already in that moment as I looked back, that pain was something that motivated me. It was the pain of being where I was, that motivated me to seek out a better place to go, which was my college. I had to do much effort to make that happen, involving getting straight A's in h...

Hey, so just to share, I have been creating a war within myself. Instead of picking the point that all would agree with: what is best for all... I have instead been perceiving myself as an individual that can be attacked on this point that, within this imagination of being attacked, I am really deep down, hiding points that I fear being exposed, because I fear that I may have to let them go for what is best for all. So herein I make the commitment to expose me completely, to question every point within me, to not react at what is existent within me and judge what is within me as bad, before I even get to expose it for myself. Bad, the word bad, or evil, can be put to good use, to serve what is best for all. It also can be used to cause separation. So within this commonsense perspective, words are innocent, including the word evil, and from my view, I cannot see a word that is not innocent. So we do in fact abuse words, whenever we do not use them as how they would want to be treated, t...