Yogan's Journey to Life

I saw a pattern within me today about fearing the strong woman. I was assisted by someone who I was reacting to. I was reacting to them in nervousness. They suggested for me to see what words they represent to me, and so not to focus on them as the image. So I took this advice, and I started working on it. I also had a celebrity who I had a similar reaction to in my past who I met. So I tried to see what words they represented. I got a few words that I initially identified but turned out NOT to be the main word, however its related. Initially I saw the words of ease of communication and happy/smiling and friendly. So I took these words with me. And at that point I was looking at the words and trying to stop my reactions. It didn't work and what happened was me kind of controlling myself and restricting myself, becoming a controlled silence. What I did at this point was kind of allow it because I wasn't sure, that maybe this is what my expression is supposed to be. Anywa...

So I was doing some self-investigation today and I realized something. I was looking at human connections, and how I haven't realized that connections between people is something that is out of my control, or at least not completely in my control. Because what I am seeing when I reflect on my past is that I have a grievance in relation to perhaps 100 people, or many many people that I have met and known, where I wish, want, and blame myself for not keeping the relationship here, for it ending or not going further than it had. Though now with having a more discerning eye and self-honesty, I can see how in fact that for all human relationships that the connection you have is temporary. So for example I can see how 2 people meet and have a connection, and that connection will last any amount of time, it can be a second, a day, a week, a month, a year, or more. That initial connection forming is out of the hands of the people. For example, someone can't decide just to have a con...

So I saw someone online that I haven't seen for years. And it seemed like their life was over. They had a great success, but then everything crashed. And now they are back, and they are different. Yet still themselves, and obviously matured and obviously had learned something and gained something in who they are. While I did enjoy who they were before. I enjoy who they are now, and the differences. Its really a surprise for me. And now in a time where my life is again changing, its nice to see an example where someone changes and overcomes difficulty, and sticks to their decision, and the part of them that is real, even if that part changes and becomes difference, thanks to the difficulties and challenges, even if one initially failed at them and fell, but one did pick oneself up from them to learn. So learning is about making mistakes, is about seeing what it is about you that is causing problems, and changing it, to create solutions. And one very obvious thing about this pers...

With certainty, everyone single one of us were once pure and innocent. This was at birth. We didn't have the personalities we live daily today. We didn't have a stressed personality, or depressed personality. We weren't running around trying to accomplish the work of the day in stress, or laying on the couch within depression. None of the emotions we participate daily existed at birth. At birth we just felt our bodies, we just existed. We just looked around, expressed ourselves through gurgling sounds. We moved and touched. So, our personalities were developed and created. They also didn't magically appeared as they are today in the version we have them right now. They evolved, they developed, they grew. They were built through moments of participation. So right now, we are alive and we have our personalities. And with equal certainty, just as you were born pure, I know that you will die. What I don't know is who you will be when you die. I can't say you will ...

I feel inadequate. I feel not good enough. This is what I feel when I think about writing today for my JTL blog. Its the end of the day now. I was painting my aunt’s old house, which will now be rented. I am helping to paint it which is more because it’s a family favor. They could pay someone to do the work, but they say they don’t have money. When I look at what they spend sometimes, to me they seem to have money. It seems to me that everyone is very greedy and willing to abuse others to have the most money, even if its very little. I wouldn’t paint it for money, I wouldn’t paint it all, especially if they would have the money. Of course my family, like what seems like everyone else, has a large debt. All because of stupid selfish reasons. Many americans are stupid, and waste so much money. I mean they waste their lives away too with other things, which they buy with money, like relationships, vacations to Disney World, or music, parties, dances, clubs, strip clubs...

Today an interesting point came up, where I was asking why i was a certain way, and I said that it does not matter why I am like this, what matters is what I am, who I am, right now. Within that some things came up of who I am, and that I can change who I am. The part of why is relevant only so far it informs me of who I am. Though why is not so important. It is bottom line, who I am that matters. Within that I gained power to change some things instantly, that came up, to say no, simply by recognizing who I am in a moment here (nervous), and then moving myself to change. So this is where oneness and equality comes into play, by recognizing what is you, you gain power to change you. So in the same way, seeing this reality as you,  gives you the power to change reality as you. The change happens on a who you are level, which requires following through on a practical level. Who are you and what will you do about it? I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to picture mys...

So one thing I have been participating in, is energy in my words, and specifically negativity. I play myself out in a negative way. How I feel right now is tons of energy. Now, one reason why I am not stopping is because I seem to be addicted to talking about myself to others. And I perceive writing right now as if I am talking about myself. So this is the primary point, writing and generating energy within writing about myself. And so I am not stopping the energy. SO I remember as a child, I would share myself with my mother. And when I would share a realization to her, I notice I would immediately forget what I had realized and sometimes I would actually do the opposite of what I realized not to do. The nature of the realization was to better myself. To acquire some perspective or knowledge that was making me more aware. Yet within sharing it I became less aware. I notice I would feel great within sharing. I see now a connection with the thought pa...

So im going to be pushing my body this week. I am not weak, I am strong. I can make mistakes- and learn from my mistakes and grow. I do not know if I need fear- to think so would be a presumption- so I will remove fear and find out. I also never need to insult anybody- I can just stick with fact- I do not need to create illusions- the reality here is stable enough and works well. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not know what I am doing- by being here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind, instead of being here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be present with every breath. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others and myself for writing self-forgiveness which I have considered a waste of time. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to concern myself more with appearance than with function and results.