Thursday, January 30, 2020

Day 797 - Giving up all Hope and then Placing Self-Trust Here

What I am in the process of doing is Giving up all Hope and then Placing Self-Trust Here.

Specifically I am giving up the hope that anyone or everyone will make it in their process, will actually learn, grow or change. Even more specifically its the hope for real connections with people, since a real connection would require that person be real (me too of course), where there is that depth. I am giving up all hope that anyone will be real.

And what I am doing is placing my self-trust here in me, in what I can do, create, and move in this physical reality.

And what I am also doing is that I am going to do all of this Life Creation, and Self-Creation, and World System Creation in the Name of all of those who I basically loved or hoped for to make it, which is everyone really. So I do all of this in the Name of Everyone, in the Name of everyone's potential, even if in reality no one makes it, and all will Fall. Because me doing it, me Living it, Me being the Creation, being the Utmost, being what is needed, Speaking in the Name of Life, and for Life, committed = all of that I do it for everyone, including me.

So I give up the hope, the hope for anything for me, the hope of it being easier, the hope of it being less lonely, and I place my trust in creation, in physical action, in what I can do:

which is what I am doing now: blogging. Which is my participation and words everywhere: online and offline. Which is my placement in the world system. Which is my purity, and integrity in every moment= no matter who is looking, no matter who is witnessing, no matter if I am alone.

I can do all of that above. And within that I can have self-trust.

Understand that Hope was holding me back. Hoping that someone will change, that someone will make it, that someone will act/do, even with me as that target of hoping for me to do/act/change.

The only thing that matters is the Physical movement and who I am. That is what its Self-trust. And in the physical you can always place your trust. The physical is the one trustworthy thing, until the day that someone can live up to that trust and so be reliable/dependable/god-like.

And I have a comfort in saying that I am doing this for everyone. That includes people who were angry, or reactive, or trying to pull me down. Because I know that's not really who you are. And so I do this for you too. I do this for everyone, literally. And within that I do have peace.

May we meet again. 

Tuesday, January 28, 2020

Day 796 The Seventh Door- Our Collective Falling or Collective Rising

I am terrified of losing my purpose/vision.... of seeing everyone fall... of seeing it all come to nothing... to see everyone give up... and to lose my vision of everyone's potential and all that we can be. I am afraid of being completely alone.

Bernard said how its about the collective, and its about the collective rights that are individually applied. And how its not about the individual, but about the collective. The quote is here:

"It is not about agreement or the individual, it is about the collective within the consideration of eternity and consequence. In this the individual will be forced to consider the collective and consequence will be according to what the individual accepts as the collective. UNTIL the individual accept EQUALITY as the Principle for ALL within the Collective. The enforcement of Equality is by no other means, But through consequence, as the Nature of the Collective is EQUALITY while the nature of the Individual is Inequality. Thus understand, All Consequence, All Force are always emanating from the Individual WITHIN the Awareness as Collective. Inequality thus WILL END as will individual rights/choice/free will and will Merge as COLLECTIVE RIGHTS INDIVIDUALLY APPLIED -- thus Equality in practice".- Bernard Poolman

So Bernard talked about the collective. And that word is significant for me here and now. Because for the longest time in the beginning of process: I was motivated as standing with and as a Group of People who are standing as their Best, who are Doing their Best in their Process to become a better human being for everyone, for existence, and correct what has been broken.

And now I have lost sight of that vision because I do see the reality of our struggles and how we could be doing so much more.

My vision and expectation was based on our potential and the potential of the human being and choice/creation, which is true even if no one is living up to it.

The vision I had, and the motivation I had was based on something that only I could see, because it was an imagination. It was not here actually. Yet that vision is our potential as people, and it did motivate me to do things I otherwise wouldn't, to push farther than I would wanted to go. And I did define myself not as an individual or a personality, but instead I defined myself as the Group, or the Group of Humanity- or the Collective that is all, or Existence. I defined my value as such, I defined my fate as such, I defined myself and my goals/visions as such. To yes, Kill the Ego or the Idea of simply Me, living My life.

What I am more afraid of than anything is losing this vision. And I feel like its lost.

The question that arises is why not stand as an individual? Can't that be enough? The thing is, its not. Standing as the Collective is enough.

Elrond: “Ónen i-Estel Edain.” (I give hope to Men).
Aragorn: “Ú-chebin estel anim.” (I keep none for myself.)

I do see myself as alone in standing within and as our Potential, and us as a Collective. But as long as I continue standing within and as Our Potential, and as the Collective, than I will be fine. Even if I stand alone, I am still standing with Everyone, even if no one stands with me.

This is the most important point to make sure is clear within me throughout my days. I abandon all Hope and Expectation for other people, but I hold onto the truth of their potential. And I forgive them for they know not what they do.

I am standing with the Collective/All. My definition of myself is that I am the collective. You are me. And I am you. Even if you deny it, resist it, fight it, or kill me for it. We are everyone and each other, and that is Truth. 

Monday, January 27, 2020

Day 795 Sixth Door- Letting someone into your Life, and Letting someone out of your Life


Proceeding down the hall, I see another door that I fear to go, and don't want to open.

Overly Emotional when something happens in my Relationships- either Friendships or Partners.
I can just open a door and then close a door, its not a big deal if someone enters my life and just leaves. But I can see my emotions, me being emotional about it, as if to say I care about them more cause I am emotional. Emotions don't equal care. Care is not emotional. Its not as big as a deal as I am making it out to be. Just open a door and close a door.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel emotional when someone enters my life and when someone leaves my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel super excited when someone enters my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel devastated when someone leaves my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel it to be rude or disrespectful to say that someone leaving my life is but me opening and closing a door, and I am ready for the next persons.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define care as being emotionally invested and reacting and sensitive to someone entering my life, or leaving my life / opening a door, or closing a door.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel emotional when someone is upset and is threatening to leave my life, instead of simply being here and willing to just open the door and close the door where its not a big deal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make relationships- friendships or partners, and what happens in them to be a big deal and by nature very emotional.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to people entering my life or leaving my life, where I define that as a reflection of Me, Who I am, the kind of person I am, or how my process is going.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek some validation for what I am feeling as Excitement when someone enters my life, by thinking that I deserve this, or that this is a result of my process, or that its because of everything I have done and changed so far.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to protect my feelings of excitement, through also protecting my feelings of devastation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make someone entering my life or leaving my life a big deal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for taking someone entering my life or leaving my life to NOT be a big deal, and NOT be something emotional or impactful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take someone's anger, or upsetness, or pissedoffness seriously and to be a reflection of me, where if they leave the relationship with that reaction that its my fault that they felt that way and that they left.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear when someone is angry at me, because I fear they will use that to say its my fault and that they will leave the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of a relationship easily, and judge myself or others for letting go of relationships easily.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a sensitive person and so by definition I get emotional when someone is angry at me, or someone leaves me, in that anger.

When and as I see myself getting emotional when someone leaves my life- I stop and I breathe- I realize that what is best for all is to be stable and for it to be a simple act when you open and close the door on someone leaving your life- I realize that what is best for all is that eternal self-stability and the ability to support others and be a pillar for others- I realize that all anger is reactionary and so a person leaving a relationship in anger, is doing so within a reaction and so that is not their best self or potential, and that its my job to support them the best way I can, which includes not reacting, not justifying their anger, and not getting emotional about them being angry and leaving, because that would give them a resonant sense that they are right/justified in their anger and being angry is "ok" -

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at someone else being angry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fight someone else being angry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to stop someone else's anger through being angry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame someone else for leaving me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that they could have prevented leaving me, and that it was their choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe/think that its their fault if they leave me.

When and as someone leaves me and I am angry at them- I stop and I breathe- I realize that its no one's fault, because if they are in a reaction then they are acting out their systems, which represents where they are at in their process and self, and so there is no "choice" for them to make, to stay or to go- I realize that since we are all systems and walking process that nothing is personal to others, and things are only personal to ourselves- I realize that someone leaving me is not doing something to me- I realize someone angry at me, is not doing something to me- I realize that someone being a part of my life for a time, and then they leave, that its not something being done to me- I realize that we are all equals and we are all walking this process directly or indirectly, in one way or another way- I realize that until we are all truly free from the Mind/Systems/Reactions then there is no Full/Free Choice - I realize it is my responsibility to supportive to myself and to others when it comes to every moment, including when a relationship ends and when someone is angry, whether its me or its them.

I commit myself to hold my tongue when I am angry

I commit myself to be gracious and supportive to someone in anger and to someone announcing the end of a relationship with me.

I commit myself to stand stable and support myself when someone leaves me so I don't react to it or make it emotional.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect there to be a great epiphany when a relationship has ended, when instead all that is here is me, alone in this moment, Here with my body: the simple, mundane and ordinary.

I realize that if I reflect on the past relationship that has ended, that I can see the pearls and nuggets of expression that I can integrate and the lessons learned. So I realize that now the relationship has ended so none of that points are no longer Here to be seen in real time, yet they exist in my memory.

"The relationship was real, in the past, but its no longer Here". Bernard said something like this in a video, I think its relevant to this blog.

Sunday, January 26, 2020

Day 794 - Fifth Door - Witnessing Self-Destruction

Shall we proceed to the next door?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing friendships that are lost because it turns out they weren't who they said they were.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing someone living a life of self-torture secretly, without asking for any help, and me being powerless to intervene.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing someone who fell from their potential, who had all they keys and power to change and become great, but gave in and gave up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being witness to that great torture and fall from self, and being powerless to say anything to anyone, and being powerless to intervene and help, because remember that change has to come from self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the only one that knows of someone's secret that they are dying on the inside and are simply falling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being a friend to someone who is falling in their lives, self-destructing, self-sabotaging.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear witnessing directly someone's fall and someone's self-sabotage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear finding out that someone has been secretly in self-sabotage and self-destruction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear someone shutting me out because they accidentally revealed to me that they are self-sabotaging, self-torturing and self-destructing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being a part of someone's life where they have all the tools and all the support yet they won't stand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my friendship with someone turning from being something normal and cool in appearance, into one where they have many deep seated issues where they have been hiding that they are falling and are in a terrible lostness in themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being powerless to help someone because they won't accept help.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing the potential that someone can be and become, yet see them choose to not receive any help and remain stuck.

I fear knowing and seeing all the people who were only a choice a way from changing their lives, and so seeing all the lost potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear becoming a part of someone's life, being intimate with them, and it turns out they were hiding a secret self-destructive life, and they shut me out because I found out and saw them at their worst, and they don't won't receive any help from me, and so I leave knowing their secret and I can't help them and I can't tell anyone about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing the potential of who someone can become and being powerless to help them.

When and I see myself in such a situation where someone is in a self-sabotage and I can't help them- I realize that I must simply stop the fear and be willing to support them with where they are at- I realize that me being willing to support them is what I can do, so that the day they are open to it, I am there and ready- I realize that I can witness someone in such a point and not react in fear- I realize I can stand as a pillar and support for them even if its at a far distance beyond direct communication with them- I realize that I can leave the door open to them.

I commit myself to be without fear when it comes to witnessing someone self-sabotage and witnessing they shutting me out.

 I commit myself to stand as a pillar of support for someone self-sabotaging so that they know that I am here in case whenever they decide to ask for help. 

Saturday, January 25, 2020

Day 793- The Fourth Door - Manipulation and Control


Where am I afraid to go? What door?

I am afraid of being with people who are attempting to manipulate and control my actions and behaviors through manipulating my environment, by withholding certain things from me.

I am afraid of being in a situation where someone is trying to keep things away from me, that take things away from me.

I am afraid of being in a situation where things around me are being moved without my decision, and so there is chaos and unpredictability.

I am afraid of being treated in a way where it’s purpose is manipulating my behaviors, and how I feel in order to make me afraid/compliant.

I am afraid of being told I am responsible for someone else’s feelings, where I will be punished and held accountable if I don’t ensure I make someone else feel good.

I am afraid of being chastised and reprimanded.

I am afraid of someone taking actions to change my physical reality/space in order to punish me or control me.

When I am in such a situation, I recognize this to be a bad relationship, one that I must cut off and end as soon as I can. At the same time, fear is unacceptable. So what I am saying is to stand in such a situation without fear. We must be able to stand in all dimensions, and in any situations.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being with people who are attempting to manipulate my actions and behaviors through manipulating my environment by withholding certain things from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of being in a situation where someone is trying to take things away from, hide things from me, keep things away from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being in a situation where things around me are moved without my permission or decision, and so things are not where I expect them to be, and so there is unpredictability and chaos

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being treated in a way where the action’s purpose is to manipulate my behaviors, and how I feel in order to make me afraid/compliant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being told I am responsible for someone else’s feelings that I will be held accountable for whether they feel good, and so will be punished if they feel bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of being chastised or reprimanded.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of someone taking actions to change my physical space in order to punish me or control me.

When and as I see myself in a situation where someone or some people are trying to manipulate me through changing my physical space- I stop and I breathe- I realize all fear must end, and that fear doesn’t aid me- I realize that this is a bad relationship and one that I must end as soon as possible. I realize that I need to do what is best for me and so what is best for all. - I also realize this is how many families operate, by punishing their kids and I realize that many adults grew up in these environments and so they act out in the same way as adults in their relationships and even in the workplaces, even as managers- I realize that manipulation and control has become a definition of leadership. I realize that donald trump supporters probably relate to him as that manipulation guy because they grew up in such a household of manipulation and punishment, and so torture- I realize that the fate of nations start in the households, families, and the first 7 years of life, and so in the secret minds, and secret lives, and secret families.

Friday, January 24, 2020

Day 792- The Third Door: Fear of being without Fear amongst people


She said: step in the circle if you are nervous that you’re in a new place. I hesitated to step in. I knew it was not true, but I was also afraid of standing out and not being part of the group. But I decided to stand back, and smiled. I felt nervous in standing out of the circle. The camp leader said ok. I noticed some eyes did look at me, but I focused looking straight ahead. The upperclassman next to me whispered in my ear that “you’re an asshole”

I felt shocked, it struck a cord with me. I felt afraid. I suppressed that response and carried on my day with excitement.

I believe I need fear in order to fit in. I believe I need to respond to fear, in order to be accepted and be like everyone else. I fear standing without fear, and so standing separately and differently from the group of people. I am afraid of not being accepted because I don’t have fear. I am afraid of sticking out and standing out from the crowd. I am afraid of not being liked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being accepted because I am different.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being without fear and so being different from everyone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being attacked or targeted for being/saying I have no fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people won’t believe what I have to say because I have no fear or say I don’t have fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people will dismiss what I say  because I am different, I have no fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored by everyone for me saying/being that I have no fear, no reactions, without energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being different

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for smiling

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for saying I have no fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not compromising myself and so for not lying in order to make others feel good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not falling in line and for not being like everyone else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for saying I have no fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for being different

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for appearing fearless, confident

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for being without anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for being without emotions/reactions/mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for being stable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for standing without the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for being without mind or energy or reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for being a destonian, for walking this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for becoming a new and different human being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my differentness, my perspectives, my words, my honesty, and me existing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being fired for not showing fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being kicked out for not being afraid

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being criticized for not being afraid while I am unemployed and looking for work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being criticized for being happy and singing, and for not being afraid while I am unemployed and looking for work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being cornered and told that I should be more afraid and have fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won’t be accepted or treated well unless I have fear for the person, for the boss, for the landowner, for the authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I have to show fear for a person in order to be accepted by them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that I won’t get hired unless I show fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way I can get a job is to be afraid and act in fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need fear to motivate myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need fear in order for others to take me seriously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of saying I have fear interviewing for a job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of saying I have fear with looking for work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of looking for work, but to fear saying I have fear interviewing for work, because I don’t want to look weak, but to fear not having fear like on a resonant level for the interviewer to pick up on it, and so being afraid that she would otherwise see me as someone without fear, and be afraid of her hearing me that I don’t have fear, and so judging me as bad for not being afraid because of a belief that good employees are afraid of losing their jobs.

Thursday, January 23, 2020

Day 791 2nd Door of Fear: Hostile Relationships

What am I afraid of?
I am afraid of all of my close relationships becoming hostile. I am afraid of everyone I know becoming aggressive toward me. I am afraid of an "intervention," where everyone agrees and believes something about me that they have decided I have to change or else. I am afraid of being threatened with banishment, or being kicked out. I am afraid of being forced to change. I am afraid of the threat of being without support in reality. I am afraid of the threat of physical violence. I am afraid of the threat of being killed/murdered. I am afraid of defending myself and fighting violently.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of all of my close relationships become hostile

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of everyone I know becoming aggressive toward me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of an intervention of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being threatened with banishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being kicked out from where I live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to be forced to change or become a certain way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of being without support in reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of threats of violence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  be afraid of threats of death/murder/being killed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear defending myself physically with violence.

I am afraid of living with someone or working with someone who is aggressive, hostile with me.

I fear someone I live with or work with threatening me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living with someone or working with someone who is aggressive and hostile with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being threatened by someone I live with or work with.

When I am in a situation with someone I work with or live with where they are reacting with emotions that are aggressive and saying something- I will stop and breathe- and I will look at practically without accepting and allowing any fear with me: what they are actually saying and doing and decide what is practically best for my physical well being and what action is required if any and to be willing to talk about it with them or with people with authority.

I fear talking about fear of aggression from other people.

I fear talking about the fear of hostility I have with other people

I fear talking to someone else about the hostility, aggression that I fear and that I perceive from another person.

I fear tattling on someone or reporting someone.

I fear being open about fears/concerns of my personal safety or threats.

I fear getting other persons in trouble.

I fear rocking the boat.

I fear the person who I reported or talked to an authority about, will become resentful and take revenge on me, and be further aggressive/threatening.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into fear and to do nothing as my reaction to protecting myself from someone in the belief that it will just blow over, and get better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear reporting someone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the person taking revenge on me that I reported.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt physically or secretly drugged by someone I reported or tattled on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take action and rock the boat for fear of threats.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear aggression from other people and threats of violence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living someone who I tattled on and fear facing their anger/retribution from me tattling on them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my physical safety that it prevents me from speaking up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless to report someone that I live with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I cannot report on someone that I have to face in the flesh

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not fast enough to protect myself physically if someone does become violent

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being in a dramatic situation where it becomes their word versus mine between all of our mutual relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of standing within the truth while being called a liar.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of not being believed, and being questioned.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing relationships because they don't believe me or they simply don't want to decide or be a part of the dramatic situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear reporting someone in case it starts something of a dramatic situation, which could lead to losing friendships with other people because of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing within the truth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear talking with someone about what I am seeing as inappropriate behavior because I fear that they will take that and start gossiping with others that I said that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing within humility, respect, consideration, and being supportive and to fear that the person will twist my words and take it to others to gossip about me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being open because I fear others will use it to gossip about me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my whole life changing, my world getting turned upside down from me reporting someone or talking to that person what I am perceiving as inappropriate behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to control my physical reality, and how my personal physical life is like, where I live, and where I work, through not talking about what it is that is happening with someone I live with or work with, so that I can keep everything the same.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of taking that steps that represent what is best for me, for others, for all, and integrity, and respect, which may require my whole world being changed, or me having to leave a job, or leave a place where I am living etc...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing a job, or leaving a job, and having to search for a new job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear leaving a place, moving, and the time and effort to move.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the time and effort of interviewing for a job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear job interviews.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear doing what is best for all within it requiring me to simply pick and stick to one path, not really having the choice to say no, and not really having a choice over my physical reality, my job, my relationships, and where I live as it all may be part of outflows from me doing what is best for all.



Wednesday, January 22, 2020

Day 790 Masturbation without Mind

I am afraid of disrupting things.

I am afraid of standing out.

I was masturbating the other day within using my body and physical expression, and so without using my mind. Not thinking about women, not thinking about any images. Just purely physical expression.

And I have a fear. I have a fear within being independent of stimulation of women, and their images. I have a fear that if I were to ever have a relationship with a women, and I tell her how I am committed to not be stimulated by her as an image or her as an idea. That with sex it would be a pure physical expression where I am responsible for my own orgasm within that, and that so is she. Where it is an act of self-expression and not a stimulation of the mind through triggers and reactions.

I have that fear. Because I fear standing out, being different, and not being accepted by others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being a different human being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disrupting things through me existing as a different kind of person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to have a relationship with a woman who is of the system way of thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the only human being who is becoming independent of the mind when it comes to sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear talking about this topic of masturbating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear posting this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the only person who talks about masturbating without the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear repercussions in my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being punished

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people going after me.

I realize that fear is unacceptable and that living with openness is how we effect change in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone in this world as the only person/voice speaking about masturbating without the mind, without images, without porn, and so literally creating a New Human Being, that is different in his Actions, Behaviors, and how He/She functions with the Body and how They exist in Reality and relate to people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the First Person who Does this, to be a Pioneer, and to be Vocal and Supportive, and to be an Example, and to be Visible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to fear being called a Freak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being challenged on masturbation without the Mind.

Monday, January 13, 2020

Day 789 If its me against the world


I just saw the Movie "She's out of my League" on Netflix, and it speaks to the point I wrote in my last blog about Relationships since essentially it would require two people to be honest, like genuine and pure, and real people. Not perfect people, but that quality of real honesty. So of course you can write that and show that in a movie because its all scripted and acted.

So at the end of the Movie I remembered when I was 18 and I had my girlfriend and I wanted to take her out to the woods to so we can watch the stars together. And that was it. Just to spend time together out in nature, and that would be a present for her. I remembered when I was in another relationship when I was 19 and I made gluten-free pancakes and so breakfast in bed for her, since she was gluten intolerant and so something like that was real special. I remember when I would massage my partner cause she had pains, and she did have some serious knots in her shoulders, to my surprise. I remember being sweet, kind, considerate, and really wanting to do special things together.

And not only that, I also remember I wanted to get together with all of my friends that I made in the first week at school at 18 years old. I wanted us all go out and eat together, just hangout and be together. I wanted to call everyone and coordinate something. I remember being so excited, and smiling literally from ear to ear. How I would also rush to say hi to my partner, and want to jump up and down, just because. Bernard said that at the beginning of Relationship, that is when its most Pure and Real, and he was right. And it is that level of expression that we need to strive for and live into reality= what is Real and Pure. And all of that is not of Energy or Mind, when we actually live it as choice and as our body and as ourselves.

I let of all that get suppressed, I let all of that end. I hid it away in my memories. I hid those parts away from myself. And I got scared. After each breakup its like I cut away all of my relationships, in order to start over or I don't know. I felt scared.

I want to know, and I want to correct this point. I want to be myself again, I want to bring back to the surface what I suppressed and so remember who I was when I was 18. Because that was Real and it was Me.

I don't think I have ever met a person who has said what I said or has said these same aspiration exactly how I have. Maybe because my process is unique, but I know that everything I am talking about is universal and applies to all of us. So I will make it happen and bring this gift to everyone, by me living this point and correcting this point. So you don't have to go through it, or at least make it easier/faster/better.

i am alive and I am 29. Its been about 10 years. But also the last 10 years has been about that moment of React, that time period, and becoming and Reaching into my past, into was is real, into what is suppressed, and bringing everything to light, so that I can live as Life and be what is best for everyone, including me. Life is a movie or can be a movie, if we script it, which I have been writing and cataloging my Journey. I have been guiding myself and making strides. I have been leading myself to this point.

Because we are all me. We all have this same purity and innocence of Friendships, and Partnership, and Expression, and Joy and Excitement that is boundless and supportive, and caring. This is our true nature, and I am going to bring it out Here for all to see, in the flesh. Honesty is real and is possible.

If its me against the world, I will do it. If its me fending myself off from 100 hungry wolves, I'll do it. Whatever it takes, I will get it done.

Day 788 The Age of Self

The documentary called Century of Self had very aptly call this current time period: the Age of Self. If you watch the whole documentary you will see how it approaches this point of the "The Age of Self" as a form of a conclusion that says we have been a product of mass manipulation through corporation, advertisements, and essentially the free market. Where we have become consumers self-obsessed with ourselves and our wants, needs and desires- and how this all started at the turn of the 20th century or the 1900s, because previously we weren't like that at all.

So here is a twist of that coin: that this is indeed the Age of Self, and all that the documentary is pointing is quite true, but the 2nd meaning of the Age of Self is that this is the time period where Self as the Solution and as the one responsible for reality becomes Necessary and Prevalent. It is the Desteni message, that through Self is the Key. Because you have all the tools such as Self-forgiveness, Self-responsibility, Self-honesty, and these tools only work or move if Self moves. That connection point and understanding that Self is the Key.... well that's the Key.

And as you can see in mainstream reality, this is not a common talking point: nor is it a point of supportive or advice that is readily given. So its a missing Key. Imagine if how we speak about things and approach things: we approach it through Self having the power and responsibility for it. I mean that would be drastically different than what we have today. Take the Australian fires: the common mainstream response is that this is a tragedy and to feel powerless about it. Yet from the lens of self as the solution, this is obviously a ploy to negate self-responsibility and dedication. The Australian fires is everyone's responsibility because everything that happens on Earth is your Responsibility. Imagine if we acted like this.

And more so, the point that is missed is every single thought, emotion and feeling within you. The anger within you is the same point that other people use in the name of Justice for their people's suffering, or out of Retribution, or whatever word you want. The bottom line is that Every Emotion is Adding to the Destruction of this Reality. Every Feeling is adding to the Destruction of this Reality. Its adding to the Delay. Its adding to the Suppression. Its adding to the Distraction. Its adding to the avoiding of the inevitable that you are responsible for this World.

So you see, you are responsible for this World. Given that you Fear it to be true, there must a be reason why you Fear it? And one of the hardest truth that I personally have had to accept is that every relationship I ever had was essentially fake and meaningless since it couldn't compare to the honesty that I am speaking here today, it couldn't stand in the face of being genuine or trustworthy or responsible. Yet the one relationship I have is myself. So I have to accept that so far I haven't had a real relationship with any person so far: not my family, friends, everyone I ever met. Because they weren't real, and only now that I am getting real and standing within the truth can I even see this.

Because a relationship is two people, it doesn't only depend on me. And one of the hallmarks of a relationship is Honesty. And if two people cannot stand together in the Honesty of Themselves, the Honesty of this World, and the Honest of all that I spoke here today/above, then its not a real relationship. And if one person alone stands in that Honesty then that is one person standing alone. We each of that primary relationship with ourselves, and that is our first relationship.

You can live in the shadows, or you can live in the Light. You can live with falsehoods, or you can live with the truth. Desteni said this above message long ago, but I forgot it. Because I had to walk that process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that relationship can be real or intimate if we cannot even be honest as two people seeing the responsibility we have for this world as individuals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that relationships with people are possible, when those people cannot stand within the truth that we must take responsibility for ourselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe relationships can be real when people are just systems right now: a collection of Energy, that is systematized and cannot be trusted with Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing alone without a relationship with any person but myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that through my truth and honesty that I can bring forth a real relationship with a person who is dishonest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see and to accept that people are just systems right now, and until they can be honest and take responsibility = they are just systems still.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am responsible for the ultimate choices that people as systems make, and to feel guilty if they make the wrong choices while receiving my support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that all i can do is to give people the opportunity to hear, read, see the truth of who they are and what they need to walk and that the rest is up to them.

I realize the one thing I can do for others is to stand, to be consistent, repetitive, and simply remain as an example, even if I stand alone, even if no one ever joins me or listens. Because that is the most I can do, and so that is best for all. And its a lie to myself to pretend that people are okay as they are and that the kind of relationship with them can reflect the kind of relationship I have with myself within stand as the complete Truth/Honesty of ourselves, this world, our responsibility, and who we ALL are actually.

We're all still systems in the process of birthing ourselves as Life.

Sunday, January 12, 2020

Day 787 The Truth is Sweet

I won't accept and allow being Kind and being Fake about it, so Smiling at someone, being courteous, yet when it comes to actually being supportive: the support isn't there.

Because what really matters is being Real, and so really supportive of each one. No matter their situation or who they are: we can support them within their position.

Because we can push for the best from each one. To give more, to be more, live more, apply more, create more.

Because the point is to bring all points here, all people here, all application here so that we may grow and create more, and stand as one and equal.

But Kindness, Positivity, Friendliness, and Smiling means nothing if its not backed by real supportive actions by the person, or real supportive and practical words.

The following must end: Hypocrisy, Being Fake, Anger, Fear, Jealousy, Comparison, Ego, Hiding, Pretending, Lying, and so basically any other point that is not aligned with standing in Everyone's shoes as equal: Where we must live in a way such that with every breath we take and every step we make that we are breathing in and walking as this entire existence: all people, all of reality as Us, as One and as Equal.

For how can you fear yourself? How can you feel Anger at yourself? How can you be jealous of or compare yourself with yourself? How can you Hide from yourself, or lie to yourself or pretend or be fake with yourself? How can that be when you are standing as all as one and equal. So there is no choice or debate. There is only one right answer. And how can you possibly fight and resist this message of oneness and equality, that is one, that is the same and will always be repeated and stay the same for eternity?

We are in Plato's cave where yes, only a few will realize these points actually and then they have to back into the cave and pull people out, just like in the Matrix Movies: you simply cannot just live your own happy life while leaving others stay stooped in ignorance. Because lies are lies, and at death its too late.

And this moment is always a new moment, a new opportunity to stand and change. It will never end this journey, its just that at your death, its too late to actually give to the physical change of Humanity, at least to the degree that is possible here. And you will still have to face yourself and walk the change you would have made. And the regret is immense.

So understand, its normal to resist this message, its normal to hate this message, to combat the statements that Anger must end, that Emotions must end, that We have to walk in every moment standing in the shoes of everyone. That is where all of us are at as all of humanity, we resist the truth. But this is the truth, and you're welcome for giving you the opportunity to hear it and have a chance to do more, apply more, and really change and reach the potential of Life on Earth. Because your life will be meaningless otherwise if you simply live and die like everyone else: never realizing the potential of being a One and Equal Creator of themselves, being aware of every part of yourself, of your body and of your environment and of people around you and THIS is only done through stopping your mind consciousness system and seeing directly here with physical eyes.

And if you resist this truth, may you suffer enough and face consequences fast enough so you may be forced to face the truth. Cause nothing is sweeter than the truth.

Friday, January 10, 2020

Day 786 The Importance of my relationship with myself

So my relationship with myself is one of the most purest of things that can exist because with myself there is the clarity of knowing exactly what I mean, and so not have miscommunication with me, and complete honesty is possible. No need to worry about bias or the right words, or considering/interpreting another.

With me that is the one relationship that I can be really honest, and really get me, and really communicate without all that bias, interpretation, judgment, reaction or distraction.

I can have a realationship with myself where simply by saying 'myself', that I have comfort and I see myself here and I hold myself, where I stand with me, I support me until the end of eternity. This is the one relationship in my life that I can depend on that won't have the judgment or misinterpretation, or leave me.

Where when I speak with myself or as myself I am not thinking about how other people are going to interpret it, I don't have to wash it out or change what I say, because I know that I mean.

And for that realationship is what I am greatful for.


Wednesday, January 8, 2020

Day 785 Can you stand in the shoes of someone you Feel Anger towards?



Standing in everyone's shoes would necessitate that all fear and anger end. Because how can you be angry at yourself? Or how can you possibly fear yourself? Doing so would be absurd.

The statement: I stand as all as one and equal, is specific. Imagine a person saying that they stand as everyone: All the people across the world, all the people you know or have heard of or encountered and of all the countries, and places, and parts in the world. To stand absolutely with all that exists: there can only be one meaning or one interpretation.

Standing as everyone challenges your own point of separation: it challenges your anger, and your fear and your judgment and blame. Because you will resist standing as someone who you judge, blame, fear, or feel anger which you direct at them.

Standing as everyone would support peace, harmony, and simply being supportive, constructive, present, warm, and gracious.

I am working with Fear and Anger when it comes to what I see on the News and Facebook. What I need to do is to correct myself by being able to say and stand as all of the Abuse, and the Manifested Consequence of the World. All of the slavery, all of the Pornography, all of the Exploitation, all of the Violence, all of the Lies, All of the Con jobs and Deceptions, All of the Mining and Destruction of the Human Body.

The Fight of Good versus Evil is not real. It only perpetuates what is already here- because Good will use Anger and will Use Fear, and so that point never stops or changes. And that is the one point that needs to change and the one point that hasn't been done. No one has been taking responsibility for themselves and taking the steps to truly end the abuse.

People have accepted and allowed this reality to be what it is, and they have accepted and allowed themselves to be who they are. And there is a consequence that has been manifesting that will bring people down to their knees, so that they it will end one way or another. Because who people are is standing in separation from this reality, from other people, from the world, from everything. They are like pure Egos in their own Bubble reality. They live in Fear and Anger and will resist any point that threatens their bubble.

The Solution is to Stop: the Fear and Anger and other emotions/reactions. And how you Stop is by taking Responsibility for accepting and allowing those Fears, Anger, emotions/reactions. Take responsibility for you Manifested Consequence. This is a minimum 7 year process of constant application to truly change. See DIP and www.Desteni.org

Monday, January 6, 2020

Day 784 Fear, Anger & "I need money to exist in this world"


In the past I have understood perfectly well that all Fear is unacceptable. I would explain it as a point where People say that you need fear in order to protect yourself from something like burning you hand on the stove. So you fear burning yourself. People would say such things, and call it good. So this is unnecessary because what I would say in response is that we can KNOW that our hand will burn and so we don't need fear. Like we won't be burning our hands on stove because we have no fear within us.

So what I say is the truth, and the basic truth is that human beings have mind consciousness systems that are producing thoughts, feelings and emotions- and are completely directing what people should be doing, deciding, thinking and believing. And your experience of yourself is like you are watching a movie and you are following what arises within you like watching a movie.

So fear to me is something that is more obvious to me, at least in the past, when I say all fear is unnecessary and unacceptable. That there is not a single fear that is rational, that is supportive, that is good. Understandably though, for people that purely and only ever completely followed every single thought, emotion and feeling, and so completely live every moment as a literal REACTION to all that occurs in their life, then YES it makes sense why for such a person to say that Fear is good, or necessary. Because that is how they are living themselves. So its very understandable when you put it like that.

So that was fear, now I am looking at other emotions, and right now the word I am looking at is Anger. Anger is unacceptable and unnecessary. When I say this previous statement, I have resistance to saying it. Whereas when I said the statement with fear and how fear is unacceptable, it was clear and without resistance or reaction- just pure understanding. So I need to investigate this resistance, because just in the same way Fear is unnecessary, so is the case with other emotions- and simply to not jump too far ahead of ourselves, lets start with just Anger.

I can shout and punch people as a choice in order to defend my body. I can do all of this without anger. That makes sense. I can kill someone out of mercy or self-defense- and I don't need anger. But I see now that I also Fear killing someone or doing violence. And so its almost like I need Anger in order for me to confront and overcome my fear of doing violence. This would explain how and why I am resisting the statement that Anger is unacceptable and unnecessary, because I am still using it or giving it permission or purpose or a reason that necessitates its existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear doing violence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear punching, stabbing, cutting, hurting someone or something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear killing someone or something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being blamed, fear being a criminal, fear being in trouble for doing violence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear defending myself, defending my body, and defending others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear shouting and being loud.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear violence.

Like I said before there is no need to Fear anything in this world, and this includes violence. I KNOW when violence is unacceptable and when it is necessary. The difference between violence and emotion, is that violence is a physical action that can be necessary to what is supportive and best for Life, including preserving Life. Emotion on the other hand is unnecessary. You can Kill without Anger. And in star wars the Sith always push to Killing within Anger/hate. Because that consumes you and defines who you are. If you Kill within what is best for all or what is necessary than its reflects that point. Who you are leads to what you do.

Given all of this above, now what do I see when I say Anger is unacceptable? I see that a large part of Anger was seated within Violence, and in Defending myself- and me being wrapped in Fear surrounding that point. So this change will be impactful. I can see it would be supportive for me to take some kind of self-defense training in order to be comfortable for using Violence and Force to defend myself, and so not to enter into Anger or Fear in such a situation.

Another point is opening up here, so I will mark it on the page

2nd Point

I see the point of defending myself from work gossip, or from being teased or bullied, or being lied to or treated badly or rudely. I remember when I was 12 years old and I ripped up a homework paper of a student who was making fun of me constantly. I did it within Anger. I did it within hate. And I gave them the stink eye, stared right into their eyes as I did and I was Angry. So I believe I need Anger to defend myself from these people. But that's not true. I can respond in different ways.

I can for example speak directly, instead of being quiet. I can say that what you are doing is disrespectful, and I ask for respect and consideration from you, and I will equally show you respect and consideration for you and your well being- What do you say?

I realize that perhaps all of us faced bullying and most of us can't handle bullying in the way that is directive and best for all just like how I described above. I certainly didn't see this point until I brought it here to observe and it was my childhood experiences.

In addition, I fear being powerless- I fear that the person rejects my offer of peace and support and that everyone else in the organization/school/institution is also the same way- especially in a company/business. I fear my survival of money being threatened cause I would be fired for that.

Again, Anger is unnecessary and Fear is unnecessary. In such a case its only natural to move on, and adjust to reality. Adjust here being that I do leave that company or place and I do find ways to take care of my money situation, which follows only the natural logical progression. Fear is unnecessary to survival. To survive requires physical actions and learning some skills. Fear does not aid survival.

I think this is one of the cornerstones of my mind: That Fear is necessary for survival. I know though that it isn't at all necessary, and it plays no supportive role. And how Anger connects to here is simply the same structure in the previous example. I have accepted the fear of survival and so I use Anger to overcome my fear, in order for me to take action that I believe is me surviving. Practically this means Job interviews or working a Job, where I use Anger in order for me to try to overcome my fear and try to do well and be a good employee, but everything I do is with that tinge of Anger.

So this is how and why I hold onto Anger being necessary to me and my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my survival.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Anger to combat my fear for survival,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need Fear and Anger in order to survive in this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Anger and Fear play a role in this world that is supportive for Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing to survive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear job interviews, to fear being fired, to fear not having money.

I know that I need money in this world, and I don't need Fear in order to help me to know that or to earn money. Fear doesn't support me or enable me to make money. Fear is completely unnecessary. Equally so, I don't need Anger. Anger is not the way to handle fears. The only way to handle Fear is taking responsibility for accepting and allowing the fear.

Mini-Conclusion

So I can look across both points here and both have to do with using Anger for survival. The first being physical survival from violence, and the 2nd being the monetary survival for physical needs. So I find that interesting and it makes sense. And in both cases fear is the initial point and Anger is used to suppress or react to the fear in order to push for physical reactions that try to create results. There is also the point of Ego, where I was bullied and my ego was hurt. So it wasn't strictly physical survival, but survival of me Ego, and so defending my Ego. Of course it is inharmonious and a waste of time to exist within a relationship conflict or bullying. So directing it is what is best for all.

Admittedly the point of Fear of Survival as Needing money in this world is Strong for me. So My self-forgiveness alone is not enough, especially so in this case. What I will do is to live and speak the statements I need money to exist in this world. And I say this without fear, without emotion, without reaction, and so I say it as a fact, necessity and a certainty. I say this in order to remove the fear programming.

"I need money to exist in this world"
Money is Life
Money Gives Life
We need money in order to move in this world
Money is how we meet our Needs

3rd Point- Ego 

Defending my Ego with Anger. I fear being put down and made fun of. I fear being ignored and not heard. I fear being bullied and singled out. I fear being wrong. I believe I need Anger in order to face even, let alone overcome the Fear- or combat it shall I say. I fear looking at my own Ego hurt- not being heard, being rejected. I use Anger to suppress my Fear, in order for me to function day to day.

Fear is unnecessary and Anger is unnecessary. If I can face the following truth in the moments without emotion:

"I am wrong"
"I am being made fun of"
"I am being singled out"
"I am being ignored"
"I am not heard"
"I am being bullied"

than that will be me taking responsibility for myself in the moment as Fear and Anger. And then I can direct the moment appropriately.

When I am wrong, I can say i am wrong, and say what is actually correct. So I can talk about it openly.

When I am being made fun of, I could laugh along, or I could just be here and listen, either way is fine.

I am being singled out, so perhaps at a birthday party celebration- I get picked out of the crowd- I could respond by smiling waving and standing up.

When I am being ignored, I could respond by being direct with the person and getting into their face: "are you ignoring me?" and then potentially talk about it, or leave them be.

When I am not being heard, like in a presentation, I could speak louder or loudly much more extreme than normal.

When I am being bullied, I can be direct with the bully, are you bullying me? Do you want to be Friends? Do you want to have mutual respect, regard and consideration?

The above are all points where I feel I have to defend myself, and I am under attack.

There is no need to feel Fear in any of the above situations. Fear doesn't help, it doesn't protect me, it doesn't serve me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel judged, to feel attacked, to feel bullied, to feel hurt (emotionally, not physically- cause physical violence is something I must defend myself from- its okay)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insulted, to feel disrespected, to feel being treated poorly, to feel shocked, to feel furious, to feel disgusted, to feel rampant, to feel violated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with Anger as a way to suppress and hide what I am feeling above: hurt, shocked, attacked, violated, etc...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use distractions as a way to suppress and hide from my fear.

 To be continued

Saturday, January 4, 2020

Day 783 Remembering Me


 
I am going to be making some absolute statements here:
First, what matters more than anything is this one process I am walking for myself. Meaning that I have these ideas and pressures of needing to give something to the world and to many people, and that I need to have success or leave an impact. So I'm saying absolutely that my individual process is more important and it comes first. So who I am here in the body is what matters. My fears, my emotions matter in that I must direct them, and that any excuse or reason of wanting to leave an impact through career or money or something in the world is unacceptable.

So what comes first is this Self process, and so the Truth of me. Who I really am in the moment. What fears I am accepting and allowing? What anger? What emotions are here?

If I die and no one knows me or remembers me. If I leave no legacy. If all I do fails.
What I am saying is that none of that matters and what matters is this one thing: Self, and my process of stopping the mind and birthing life from the physical. So I do this here with me, with my body, with my life. So what I have is this fear of not being remembered, of not having an impact, of failing in all that I do out there in the world. And so what I am saying is that none of that matters. What matters is Self, and who I am, me taking responsibility for me, and me living real physical expressions here.

For me to walk my process and do it, that already is a miracle. So what I am saying is that that should come first and be my priority. And the rest will flow from that point. Where I am supposed to go, or what I am going to do, will all flow from that point of Me, and Self.

Fear is the point to stop.

Friday, January 3, 2020

Day 782 The Process

I am stopping the Mind, and I am birthing life from the Physical.
Everything that is Physical is of oneness and equality and of value.
Everything that isn’t physical, and so including the Mind and the Energy, is not of Life or Oneness and Equality and so it must end. Because it is moving in separation of self and of disservice to Life. We each have to stand and take self-responsibility for directing ourselves, and so with the body and ourselves: it is the solution and the point. We don’t need the mind to direct us.
So I focus here and bring forth the Physical here and all that is Physical Here. And I remove all that is the mind: the automatic thinking and the energy. All that I will allow to exist here is the Physical. That becomes my self-definition, the Physical become what is value, and that value is one and equal with and as all that is Physical. Like Bernard said: the Physical is the Key, and the one point that everyone overlooks.

That Physical is the one thing that has stood as the example and the manifestation of what is best for all, and oneness and equality. The physical is the one point that supports the possibility of Life today and yesterday.

The best thing to do with the Mind is to let it go, not give it any attention or validation. It can only exist as long as we participate in it and define ourselves as it. No thought alone without your attention has any power over you.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to what the mind brings here for me to feel.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as the statements and words that the mind brings to me here to hear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and exist as the Mind and so as a Parasite on the Body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to, follow and believe the statements that the mind brings here for me to hear in my head.

Wednesday, January 1, 2020

Day 781 My dream from last night - dancing


My Dream: I had a dream where there I was and I was dancing Cha-Cha with a guy because he's super into Cha-Cha, and then it turned into all of us guys like jumping around dancing and laughing.

So here I was connecting with that expression of dancing with Friends that had been suppressed this last year. This was something I had expressed the year before that. And I know its a part of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my dance expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing a friend through me being myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing a friend through me dancing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people by their age.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see all people as equal regardless of age.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have to respect older people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see I should only respect people based on who they are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing a friend through not respecting them.

I commit myself to unlock and reveal and relive all of my expressions that I have suppressed this last year due to a fear of myself due to a fear of losing a friend due to the devastating experience I felt in losing a Friend.