Yogan's Journey to Life

I remember the Joy I felt in my first relationship. It was pure happiness. I was purely innocent. Naively happy. Believing they are the one, and I will marry  them and we will live happily ever after. The expression of being innocent and joy, these are hidden here in plain sight. This kind of joy there is something real to it. The separation is the fact that I only tied it to this one person and to this relationship. So that when they fall away and pursued other people, that my joy and innocence went with them, or so it seems. Really it is right here in me. Living this kind of joy and innocence with everyone is a real thing. It can become a living word that I choose to live on command. Except now I learned about what it would take to set up a relationship with someone for real now. Because initially I wanted to be with anyone I could. I just wanted to be in a relationship with SOMEONE. This is not right, and this is not real. It is a recipe for disaster. The kind of sadness...

So you have heard that the decisions you make have lasting impact on your future. You may have even made certain decisions that changed your life drastically, and that you may regret deeply. So I recently am recognizing and seeing a particular decision I made, which I hadn't fully taken responsibility for and turned out to be a really bad decision, and within/from the consequence of the bad decision, it not only was a bad decision, it also affected who I am, my confidence and my ability to make good decisions. So I realize that this may sound confusing, so let's start with the situation. So when I was 18 years old I entered into my first relationship. This point of a relationship forming was the results of years upon years of thinking, imagination, hoping, desiring, emotions and feelings. So in that sense I created it and the consequence was inevitable. So I was ready and willing to enter into a relationship with ANYONE. So I essentially had no standards, really. So within...

In general, I have not been expressing myself clearly with my words. I feel afraid of writing and speaking clearly. I also am afraid of knowing why I feel afraid of writing and speaking clearly. I am afraid of writing and speaking clearly because I would have consider the perspectives of others. In doing so, I would no longer be able to stay in my little bubble. I would have to actually consider each person in the world as an equal. I would no longer be the king/god. I would be equal. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I am the thoughts I accept and allow. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be practical and realize that the process of stopping the mind takes time and it won't happen in an instant. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing relationships as the result of what I say or write, within this realizing that what I say and write should consider practical reality and what would assist and sup...