Yogan's Journey to Life

actions, and gifts, or opportunities i gift myself with or take. Or moments that I gift myself with. It can be a moment of sitting down in front of a natural view of nature, rows of trees, while people nearby talk/play. It can be a moment of going out to dance the night away, no matter what others think or may being, just dancing by myself alone, not needing permission or approval, just doing it for me. It can be a moment of laying down, and breathing, being quiet. It can be just giving me something, like cooking a well made meal or dessert. It can be giving myself something I need like water or sleep. It can be giving myself the time to do something, all the time that I may need, plenty of time to work through something. Loving myself is a verb, is an action, is a gift I GIVE to me. That is when its real.  You don't think it. You do it. You live it.

My goal right now is to describe in as much detail as possible the process involved as it occurred in real time, behind a certain significant realization. So my backstory. So I have had for a long time been semi-aware, well... fully aware there is a problem, and semi-aware of what was occurring in the background. So what I was aware of was that I had a certain problem in relation to how I played video games. What I wasn't aware of, is what I will be explaining in this blog, and how I came to that. So today, I had pictures, imaginations of playing a certain game. I did ignore it a couple times, where by ignore I mean, simply breathe and continue on with my schedule. Later on in the day, I found some information about this game by accident, and I automatically went to check it out. I did feel excited and emotional, wanting to play it. I decided to write things out. So I wrote what I could about how I felt, which included feeling enthusiastic, excited and happy, and even how ...

--> I had an interesting moment just earlier. Its difficult for me to write, probably in part for the same reason I am writing this blog. The reason being about this realization that I ask permission for myself to live, essentially. I ask permission to have my realizations about myself to be able to be lived and applied by me. I feel wrong and bad to even ask someone whether I can live and apply this realization I had on myself. This realization that I ask permission to even realize things about me. I see also how the same thing goes for asking permission to do bad things, where self-honestly I would not do those things, yet I want to from the perspective of the mind. Which is another layer, of the mind. And I can see how this asking for permission is really my mind granting itself permission. Where sometimes the mind may use a few words out of context to give itself permission (me) to do the thing it wants (I want). And I trust it, because I received permission, therefore ...