Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Day-39: My Emotions at Arms Length

When I was in the first year of highschool, towards the end, my mom had visited an astrologer to see about what would be best for me. She went on some day magical, like 5/5/05 which both her and I took as a sign of the value of the following, that I should change schools to a Jesuit College Preparatory school. When I heard the news, I thought it was like divine plan. I felt sad inside because there was this girl I liked and known for a couple years that went to the school I was in. I had however in my desperato fashion, saw leaving as good and necessary and I made a positive or unemotional fa├žade about leaving. Her and I had not been talking in a while, and all of a sudden in our English class she hugged me while we were standing. I did not hugged her back thinking to myself I can’t hug her or I would cry. I very much lived in a life of emotions. I never wanted to appear or look emotional so is my pattern of mind. I wanted to be courageous, not fearful, ever. I only wanted to be expressing positive things, lol. This is silly though because I ignore who I am here. I did experience those emotions, sadness, and its not to cover them up but to face them as myself and realize, that these emotions have been in separation from me and I require to align them as myself to a supportive position for myself and so all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can’t hugged her back or I would cry.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to this day keep my emotions bottled up and tucked away.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing sadness, and depression openly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own emotions, and so create it my mission to eliminate all my negative emotions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when initially start with Desteni to only want to know how to get rid of my negative emotions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within process desire to be without emotions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand one and equal with and as emotions as myself and realign emotions to my self-responsibility and self-directive stance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad that I was leaving my friend, as I secretly wanted to appear sad so she would feel sorry for me and continue to want me by her side.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my desire to appear courageous, sacrifice myself by cutting myself away from the emotions within me, letting them linger, unresolved and influencing my behaviors/living from a distance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see positive expressions as a solution to the negative emotions, as it only adds a layer ontop of the emotions, it does not in fact stand as a one and equal solution, otherwise i would face emotions/fears head on as myself one and equal to that and redirect the points into alignment within myself. 
I commit myself to walk in writing the points that are supportive to me to free the points I have kept enslaved to energy, e.g. the mind and sadness, and stand as the one and equal director of my life.  

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Day-38: Self-Forgiveness for Separation from the Physical that I have Allowed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can escape consequence and escape the mind through a process of separating myself from the physical reality WITHIN my mind through simply accepting and allowing the mind completely as my God or Master, where I completely rely on the mind and allow every single thought as the accepted truth of me, not realizing I am accepting and allowing it, I can stop, and that I have not in fact lived or expanded myself but have reduced myself to a box within a compartment in the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts because of the belief they are practical and support what is best for all, as obviously I am not being supported by thoughts, I am forgetting me, I am making the ultimate sacrifice in disregarding me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I cannot direct and ensure the manifestation of what is best for all if I take a backseat in the mind and simply program the mind to what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize I cannot manifest what is best for all as myself if I do not manifest it here as myself in my living within awareness of breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to out of Fear and Self-Interest Seek a way out, outside of myself, out side of self-responsibility, out-side of complete full awareness of what is here within me, and not see that the only way is forward, into self, into standing within the body as the body in equality and taking full self-responsibility for thoughts, emotions and feelings.
I commit myself to walk within moments to take things slow if i need to ensure i am here and i am aware of what is moving in my mind.
I commit myself to simply watch as the thoughts move and to not follow them.
I commit myself to breathe one and equal with the breath as a foundation and support for me to know WHO I AM as the physical, and so can more easily see thoughts that move in separation of the physical/breath and are those parts of me that are currently separate from me as the physical/breath. 
Some cool links from 2007

Saturday, November 24, 2012

My current experiences within writing

 So something to share with everyone,
I have changed writing on self or 'about us', everyone including me within this world which is the reflection of who we are, so I write on these two things I mentioned (they often go hand in hand in my writing) from a point of enjoying seeing myself and uncovering myself and seeing who we/I am. In breath its quite enjoyable from a physical experiential/here perspective where its like that experience where you are here and the you can continue and go as you know this body/you can. I immediately put what I “want” to write, and I “choose” my words sometimes and direct even small points of what I am going to say next, and its enjoyable from the perspective its what I know its me and so im just expressing me, there is nothing wrong or right since its me. So its like im talking to a friend, completely opening myself up to that friend. Its enjoyable.

So one interesting experience that is related is seeing like this energy monster within me, where when slowing myself down in breath, its like im reaching inwards with my awareness and i am accessing this monster, and this monster is very happy to come out and speak/write. So i happily share myself as who i am as this monster. This is what i did recently on the Open Forum (in my thread) and i wrote and wrote on everything this monster had to say (this monster as me). I notice halfway in my writing the direction shifted where another perspective was shared from another source located in my head region, like an intelligent monster, lol. Maybe more calculating. I knew this was me, as i am familiar with my story where is someone where to show me my memories i can point it out to them i recognize this memory its mine! So that makes writing such things even enjoyable as i would before process enjoy looking into my memories of me and my stories. This time im just writing it out for me to be really aware of who i am and see the real characters behind the whole show that is me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sharing me, who i am, to myself, and not see how enjoyable it can be as a point i can push myself to do and see the awesome result of myself written in front of me and then i walk self-forgiveness with me to align me to what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the simplicity in sharing myself, as i am sharing myself, which is really what i know most about! as i have plenty of memories and points if i dare to be honest about them and remember them and bring them here to show myself who i am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and cover up my memories of me and try to pretend i don't remember who i am through energy, through separation of the physical, instead of being honest through being here one and equal with and as the physical in breath.

I commit myself to write myself self-honestly, who i am, on paper for me to face within correction in writing, utilizing self-forgiveness and so taking responsibility for what i have accepted and allowed as myself. 
-Yogan B

Day-37: Dimensions of a Song, a Script of My Life.

 I explore various dimensions within the pokemon theme song, that are layered within myself.
“I gotta be the very best, that no one ever was, to catch them will be my real test, to train them will be my cause, I will battle across the land, searching far and wide, pokemon to win the FIGHT! Its always been my dream. I know its my destiny, you’re my best friend in a world we must defend, gotta catch them all."
So this shows something cool & revealing about me. I would watch the pokemon show as a kid and I remember always feeling very emotional when hearing the song. So I was sitting here reading HJTL and the theme song came up. I within looking at the theme song see several themes about me.
“I gotta be the very best”
-this describes my desire to be the best and my motivation which is essentially a character.
“that no one ever was”
-This reveals to me how I don’t want anyone else to be as good as me.
“to catch them will be my real test, to train them will be my cause”
-I saw within these words how I would try and recruit followers to believe in my knowledge points and wise words and beliefs on how the world is. Like this was my purpose. To free them… lol.
“I will battle across the land”
-This is showing me my intense desire to fight to win at games or even in discussing with others my knowledge points, so also my intelligence of trying to be the smart one.
“searching far and wide”
- this I saw my constant searching and looking for people who would listen to me and follow me or constant searching for games to play or a discussion to be had.
pokemon to win the FIGHT!
-Competition Character
“Its always been my dream”
-This point of dream is a prevalent theme in my life (row row row your boat gently down the stream merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream). I feel emotional when I think of my dreams, and desires and hopes, as I would constantly imagine and fantasize them when I was “bored” which I saw I did purposefully to create entertainment for myself in my imagination and fantasies.
“I know its my destiny”
-hoping and desiring my destiny will match up with my fantasies and dreams and hopes and desires yet still commited to the belief and cause of following god’s will and my purpose and plan for me in this life that I believed strongly I had, and so I was willing to make ANY sacrifice to make sure I did what was I thought best for all in that there were angels, and gurus and spirits that knew more than I and were in a process of bringing children on this earth to raise awareness and WHY? I was only interested in what was in it for me, a cushy place in heaven or this existence with a cushy wife and feel like im helping people. (I remember I used the word feel very often, I never questioned it though and my mom would always speak of following one’s heart and love is the highest good, follow your heart it will guide you).
 “you’re my best friend in a world we must defend, gotta catch them all. ”
- So yeah, searching for friends and followers and finding my group and companions to be like happy and feel like we are the defenders and protectors and somehow are the best for doing this sacrifice and loved by all. I had wanted myself to be like a guide for all the special, crystal children and other kids who are suppose to be like aware beings, lol, and I was preparing myself through trying to get enlightened and trying to be like a guru with guidance knowledge. I went to the extreme of wanting to sacrifice myself to let absolute guidance guide everything for me that I would take zero responsibility, zilch so that somehow what is best for all would happen. It was around that time of extreme pushing in meditation and guided walking that I stumbled onto desteni, which made complete sense, though I was afraid. Starting from zero responsibility I was determined to become self-honest, lol, so yeah here I am after those years ago, in the process of self-honesty through equalizing myself with all, which this open sharing of myself is a part.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly follow my heart, my emotions and my feelings, as I knew they were working for my own self-interest and I could not fathom another way to live, that I would die without my pleasure, video games, Love, my heart, lol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice myself to such an extent that really I was completely allowing the mind to have complete dominion over this physical body and I was reduced to a small point of energizing a system and only be aware and observe all that was going on (Mark: Ob-serving Character).
I commit myself to stand with and as this physical reality and take responsibility one and equal for the consequences we have all created through acceptance and allowance.
I forgive myself for accepting myself to believe that the highest good is scripted and exists all ready and requires our complete submission to a will outside of ourselves and so we give up responsibility in having a say or in creating this world, and so never questioning how I can leave the fate of this existence in the hands of someone I never knew, a stranger, that would constantly feed me love as a sweet treat that I knew was intoxicating and debilitating and got me into all sorts of trouble as it was not practical to be in love within completing responsibilities and walking this real practical physical reality where one has to communicate with people and love would never give a solution to ending fear really only to cover it up with love (leading to consequence for all)
I commit myself to walk physically with beings in assisting and supporting them to become aware of who they have accepted and allowed themselves to become and so do this same process with me, in establishing awareness of who I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and so take this who I am into forgiveness within considering what is best for all, which requires real, practical, living beings that understand how this reality works and act upon this commonsense of this reality, which operate in a specific space time equation that can be understood and calculated and worked with as it is a stable point and what allows us to even exist here together.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question the point of my parents urging me to pick a job I would LOVE to do and WOULD do for the rest of my life, where I would do it NOT for money, and so accepting and allowing the abuse of looking for something I would LOVE to do and not see that LOVE can be a practical physical manifestation in our living, and only have I ever seen LOVE as a feeling or experience to be felt by myself and others, and so completely neglect actual support and actual care and actual trust, and actual stability and actual knowledge placed in love, and actual consideration and equality, and actual oneness within equality and what that would entail. Instead I had become a robot that looks for points or buttons I can push to trigger the love within people through using of words and knowledge not placed within actual consideration of the consequences that this feeling called love leads to within a being’s life.
I commit myself to place myself in a position of a work that leads to the consequence of what is best for all.
I commit myself to make choosing a job be an actual consideration of real physical factors, time, money, location, work, consequence etc….
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be overzealous on competing in games, not seeing the direct indication I was not a loving being if all I cared about was an experience of winning and I felt GOOD when seeing the loser in shock or sadness, and where my true nature is revealed in video games where I can set my real self free where I believed that video games are not real and games are not real and nothing personal, leading to personal attacks and Celebration (Mark: celebration character) when winning in rubbing it in the person’s face that I won and you lost, and we had an equal chance at winning so I am better.
I commit myself to when playing video games and seeing I react with joy, happiness or any positive energy (or negative like anger, hatred, despair) to stop become here as the physical and simply direct myself within creating consequences that support what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forsake the physical through believing awareness or consciousness is the point that humans need to increase within by becoming aware of the consequences of not acting in Love, and that they are responsible for their own experience through not acting in Love, and that we had to become more Loving within everything we do, speak, and touch, without realizing what Love actually is as a feeling and how that the Real Love of the physical would be completely Physically based and that no man, not even god is above the physical and to forsake our home is to forsake ourselves, this is us, the dirt is us we have missed us in the physical and have not been Loving as of yet.
I commit myself to place my time and structure my life to support our home, this earth, this body, through equal and one living and consideration of how to care and actually love, as measured in quantifiable decisions and actions that support what is best for all, and so end all energetic definitions and values placed on the word love through the redefinition of the word love in this world to be one and equal with this physical reality and so as all as one and equal.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Day-36: Love Starts Here: With a Commitment to End Starvation

I will in posts to come walk various characters. Right now (which is related to the characters i am focusing on, isn't it all related? um yes lol) im gonna see how love is missing from the equation of those with intelligence.
SO. Love. Right, WRONG? What we as humans tend to miss is the physical. That sums up the tragedy of the human. A tragedy in Greek Theater.
       So answer me, would not love dictate you feed everyone. I mean we see people do this, and we then take their f-in actions and glorify them, deify them as if they ARE MORE. So we don't have to give an F about ourselves really doing our part. Now that would entail ENDING Starvation. That's right i said it. END STARVATION.
       End starvation would be the first act of love that would have ever existed on this planet or this existence for that matter. No the creation of the human was not an act of love, no having sex is not an act of love. Buying your Girlfriend chocolates is not an act of love. ENDING STARVATION would be a F-in REAL ACT OF LOVE.
       ALL that it would require is you to BE LOVING, BE COMMITTED. IF you can commit your time to sex, relationships, school, work, video games, then you have proven you HAVE THE "commitment" within you to END STARVATION. All that is missing is YOU in the equation of actually standing as the LOVE. BE COMMITTED. 
      End starvation seems then very much like a relationship. It takes time, commitment, hard work. And it takes money, though at this point the money is to support those who really STAND TO END STARVATION through being the solution for the end of starvation.
      The solution most people are imagining ending starvation would require feeding people. I have a good question, why doesn't people feed themselves???????
       The answer, the people who starve would happily buy all the food in the markets, though they are missing something. Hmmm. What do people who starve need to buy food. Hmmm.
Oh i know, Molaaaa, Money.
       So instead of having all these charities sending shitloads of food to other countries, why not give the $$$ people need to buy stuff that is Rather Relatively CLOSE to their Homes?
       This has been proven to be FEASIBLE in the Basic Income Grant. The technology and pilot studies have been completed already. What requires is a little commonsense and COMMITMENT to bring this into FULL REALIZATION.
      Commit to speak honestly that we are responsible as we have time as we have money enough to not be in total starvation or poverty. We have leisure time. We have Free time. We have the body here that is the source of power of all we participate in. So what is missing is the LOVE stance, those commitment words. I will stand for life, i will stand for the creation of a system that will end starvation practically and so assist and support ALL life. I see i am responsible if i WATCH people Starve and if i choose to ignore, I AM CHOOSING TO IGNORE, and so obviously AM responsible for THAT CHOICE. That there is no such thing as innocence as i read these words.
     A practical scripted System built on the specifically designed purpose of supporting life is in the works and has come quite a way already...
    I am of course referring to Equal Money. The only system NOT ALLOWING PROFIT as a REASON FOR EXISTING. Life for Life.
Life is what we miss. say it LIFE for LIFE.
Equal Money is based on the principle of Equality and ONENESS. We are One and EQUAL. We stand with and as Alllllll. We see the physical as our reality. We do not consider that which are beliefs or religions, we see only that which is measurable. The Life Force that is this body.
   Commit yourself to yourself and ALL. You are part of All, aren't you?
I have a question, do those who choose not to commit to all, are they part of All? Hmmmm. (No)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think starvation is ok and acceptable as everyone i know accept starvation as no big deal and puts no effort in finding a real solution to make sure everyone no matter what you country you are in can have access to food as a requirement our body needs to eat 3 meals a day and not having access to this requirement diminishes a person and makes it more unlikely they will be able to compete or get access to food.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a system that only considers profit and exists on the pain and suffering needed to keep those afraid of stepping out of line to place oneself as a real LOVING being who would stand for life for REAL by standing with and as all in oneness and equality as the physical to ensure all physical body's receive all the support they require, not only the Human, but also Plant and Animal, as there is no specialness or separation on the level of the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing our children to be conditioned and grow in FEAR of SURVIVAL as we as adults have allowed this system of survival that actually ALLOWS humans to DIE from not getting FOOD, CLEAN WATER, SHELTER and other resources needed, when there exists No Scarcity but Abundance, as there are daily supermarkets that THROW FOOD AWAY, and People with $$$ that are GIZILLIONAIRES.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that these two physical hands of mine are the same hands that grow all the food, that water the food, and so we do not require the ELITE to DONATE THEIR MONEY, but we can CREATE a new SYSTEM of MONEY whose Sole Purpose is to provide money to take care of the basic resources and to manage those resources to be Equally Available to All.

I commit myself to wash my hands of money by standing with and as an Equal Money System, unto its completion, that will ensure the Care and Love for/of Life as all as one and equal. 


Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Day-35: Behaviorist Character

Looking over my behavior this past months, I see I have been correcting my behavior to be what is best for all, through my memories and beliefs that were existent within me. I was not here in real-time, I was essentially a memory. So I patterned and placed my behaviors as programs to be lived. I justified behaviors based on certain reasons that came up within the moment. Since I was not here, I was simply an outflow of my thoughts on what I should do, instead of equalizing myself here as the physical and start from a one and equal starting point with existence and this physical body. I recall words that would pop in my mind as I wrote as if memories of what I have decided was good to say. I have in my history before Desteni been collecting thoughts, and points of knowledge and beautiful and wise sayings or points to tell people. I would then speak them out of memory. I did not start from a one and equal starting point to investigate the messages but trusted them for various reason, one being self-interest. I enjoyed the highs of speaking messages and speaking and living as a memory of beautiful and wise things. I was on autopilot and not participating in reality, though obviously creating consequence through not participating in a reality where I do have an affect on this reality. I see how behavior, as studied in Behavioral psychology, as how we humans have come to see, live and define behavior, as a memory as a patterned way of acting/reacting.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live, see and define behavior as a memory as a pattern way of acting/reacting and not a one and equal starting point as the physical body that can be self-directed as self to step out of a pattern and to become part of a new pattern one that supports what is best for all one and equal.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility through self-forgiveness for the preprogrammed behaviors I have accepted and allowed as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live here one and equal as the physical in breath and live a pattern as a living pattern based on a living decision to apply and live a pattern that assist and supports what is best for all one and equal.
~Behaviorist Character
Fear Dimension: fear experiencing fear, fear thoughts, fear emotions, fear losing feelings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear fear and so isolate myself and prevent myself from being self honest through hiding myself from seeing the truth of me as what I am participating in through my acceptance and allowance of thoughts, emotions and feelings, and characters.
I commit myself to breathe and be here when I am fearing myself, and fearing seeing the darkness inside me to assist and support myself to then take responsibility for this darkness as who I am through forgiveness and corrective application.

Thought Dimension: Me sitting in front of a professor who critiques my work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to adjust and change myself according to how professors critique where I correct and change myself out of fears and so I place myself in a position where I avoid fears and simply follow a professor word for word, agreeing to everything and so confirming everything that the professor tells me without awareness of what really is said or agreed to.
I commit myself to breathe when I am receiving critique from the professor and I am seeing myself as inferior and inadequate where I completely submit and allow myself to change my behavior and so disregard myself, so to fit according to what academia suggest I do.
I commit myself to apply myself one and equal here as the physical to make the changes to who I am according to equality with this existence as a living expression I am in the process of becoming.

Imagination Dimension: I am a great scholar, I am on a podium as if I have won a contest, and I look happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a great scholar in my mind and so miss who I really am, and what I am accepting and allowing through this participation in imagination where all I am doing is generation a reaction and energy is sucking away my physical and I further support my separation from the physical through this desired hope/future projection of a great scholar.
I commit myself to breathe and be here equalizing with the physical and become the changes as who I am aligning according to oneness and equality with this physical existence.

Backchat Dimension: I can manipulate my behavior to be what is best for all. I don’t have to face thoughts emotions and feelings, I can just manipulate the behavior, in that way it looks like I have stopped thoughts, emotions and feelings. I can control myself through behavior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to hide from myself through staying on just the surface of things as my behavior and so accept and allow backchat that support my desires/fears of having thoughts and not having thoughts, creating further separation from the physical.
I commit myself to breathe here and take responsibility for my acceptance and allowance of separation from the physical through backchat.

Reaction Dimension: I feel happy +  I feel afraid  -
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am through participating in reactions I am sucking my physical dry through the process of taking physical resource and transforming it into energy thus supporting the destruction of this physical and also supporting a future possession through energy.
I commit myself to breathe and take responsibility for the reactions I have accepted and allowed within and as physical as me, and so stop.

Physical Dimension: Back pain, Heavy back, headache, lazy eyes, strained breath, hanging onto my body and desk. Zombie like.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself through participating within the Behaviorist character have accepted and allowed myself to slouch my back, hang on top of myself as my bones and structure where my body is barely holding up, and my eyes are heavy and my breath is strained, and I move like a real zombie.
I commit myself to breathe and bring myself back to the physical here and direct me within and as the physical to be and live what is best for all.

Consequence Dimension: I do not change, I lose awareness of what is here, within and without, I see things superficially, my behavior masks who I am inside, I react behaviorally to a situation. I suppress thoughts, emotions, and feelings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through the Behaviorist character have attempted to change me only superficially through behavior and so avoided changing me as who I really am within and without, and only creating further suppression of what I am accepting and allowing within and as me.
I commit myself to change myself through and through and leave no stone left unturned where I slow myself down in breathe to really in detail investigate who I am in writing it down for me to see, and so to then correct me and so align myself within and as oneness and equality as this physical existence and so support what is best for all one and equal.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Day-34: Heaven or Hell, Dimensions of Sleep zzz


So one prevalent point I have, especially on the weekends, is sleeping in. I am writing this in response to the forum thread, Only 4 -6 hours of Sleep Required?. So sleep and I have had an interesting history. I remember if there was like an emergency or great need to wake up like to head to the airport, I was able to wake like in a second though in a slight daze. I also used to before going to bed I would say I would sleep until a certain time in the morning and I would wake then.
Thought of waking in morning, lol. The Heaven = Hell
            So now in my current situation, I am a student studying who needs to be in charge of his study(and so sleep too!). I am writing separately a point on scheduling which will assist me in my setting my sleep pattern. So im going to just as a support see what excuses or reasons I have to go to bed early or to sleep in. Then I will establish a new pattern of sleep.
            So fears I have is the anxiety I feel when knowing I have to do something, it is very subtle but it is enough for me to consider I can sleep in with no big consequence. I think I am rewarding myself, I think I deserve. I think I am supporting my body. I think I neeeeed this.
The most basic point however of a sleep schedule or plan is not even established, which is what I really need.

            Before going to bed I may start thinking how wonderful would it be to sleep now and work on this assignment in the morning. How great would it be to sleep now? So I start entering into this sleepless, or sleepy state where my body feels like dead. What triggers it is knowing it is “late” by lookin at the time and say hmmm, its late, maybe I should go to bed, and my response is yeahyeahyeah.
            So this relationship was described in a previous blog of mine. I desired to keep sleeping and I feared waking. Two forces, but are they really a force? Considering we accept and allow it, who we would be, equal to it would make it not soo much of a force, but equal. And nothing can influence us when we are equal to it.
            I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxiety when I know there is something for me to do as an obligation.
            I commit myself to support myself to breathe and to direct my sleeping pattern to be what is needed in my living situation to maximize my waking time and support me to be effective in my waking time through the sleep I need.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it is no big deal to sleep now, I can take care of my obligation tomorrow, not realizing I am going to extend my sleep time longer than necessary to avoid my obligation, and so my starting point of separating myself from my obligation through sleep, is affecting my day and experience and relationship within and as sleep.
I commit myself to wake immediately with enthusiasm for the day and enjoy the fresh morning air and a tasty breakfast that too, like sleep, will be designed to be effective for my day.

            I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine that sleep will be a great wonderful thing for me and so this places sleep within my mind’s eye and not within practical definition and reality of what sleep really consists of, which is a physical time for the body to reestablish and prepare itself for another day.
            I commit to when I will sleep to prepare myself in bed to sleep by being here in the physical feeling what my hands and head and entire body is touching and breathing.
            I forgive myself for accepting and allowing backchat to define sleep as a desire and see waking and participating in reality within obligations as a fear to fear, and that fear and desire act as two masks of the same face where energy is the actual face and fear and desire are the surface where through removing the masks and forgiving the energy I can take my rightful place as life and a self-director of sleep as myself as a planned and placed support for myself in this world. 
            I commit myself to equalize myself to the physical such that I can as the physical move myself to wake when it is time to wake at the specified time I set myself.
            I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in reactions as this charges the systems within me and further supports my ignorance and unawareness of reality in fact, as this physical body.
            I commit myself to stick with breath when engaging in the self-directed decision to sleep and when laying to sleep and when I am laying and time to get up and so continue breathing as I get up and walk my morning/day.
            I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within participating within thoughts, reactions, backchat, and imagination, to not realize I am creating further stress and destruction of the physical.
I commit myself to place sleep in a patterned schedule of waking up at the same time 7:30 am every morning, no matter the time I go to bed, and as such I can have a stable point where I have no excuse or justification to sleep more.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Day-33: How we wear Masks of Anonymity as Society to not take responsibility of this Earth, some evidence from Social Psychology

I wrote this as part of a Journal for my Social Psychology Class, check it out.  Also I realize this may read boring and academic, which it is...
Looking at the readings since the last journal, I see the following days having something in common that is very important for me, the earth and our situation. So to start I will speak about each and especially the points that are most relevant.
Group Processes I: Social Loafing & Social Facilitation
            Social loafing is when you take advantage of another person. More specifically in a study we read by Hart et. al. the participants who social loafed where in the position to do so (their team mate was motivated) and the subject was not self-motivated to complete the task, operationalized as achievement motivation defined as a tendency of an individual to work toward the achievement of personal goals or standards.
Group Processes II: Social Dilemmas
            We looked at the tragedy of the commons for this day. Currently, simply due to the nature of things, we are in a position where our actions will have devastating impact on a greater number of people than those who participated in said actions. The prisoners dilemma captures this nicely where through cooperating we ensure the “devastating” impact the no harm will come to the overall group (group can be as big as humanity or small as household). Defection ensures the devastating impact of harm to the overall group, as throughout time more and more defection occurs, accumulating to more and more disaster. More on this in my final discussion.
Group Processes III: De-individuation & Social Roles
            We had looked at how a social role can lead to a kind of anonymity through being as a “part of the group” not an individual. This was seen in the study on prisoners and guards, but it is a commonplace thing to observe in everyday life in many groups and role position, ‘the worker at mcdonalds,’ ‘the police man,’ the doctor,’ ‘the scientist’ etc… The other paper we looked at was on anonymity on the computer communication, which is essentially tapping into the various behaviors of online chat, and communication in public sectors, and how anonymity influences that. A very salient situation where anonymity must play a part is in a group onlooking a disaster occurring where no one steps out to do something. Because at this point everyone is anonymous since all is equally culpable and equally not doing anything. Anonymity then is an excuse of justification, in some cases to do horrible things, or to be happy and in revelry where in a situation of non-anonymity one will then start acting differently. It is like an externalization strategy to remove responsibility and culpability and so remove feelings of guilt in making “bad” acts or remove fear in “good” acts. Though I have to say it is not removed, for how can something be removed, and reappear with something as simple as a mask/outfit? Rather it is suppressed or forgotten for a moment.
Attraction & Intimacy II: Types of Relationships
So this was a topic on relationships on specifically exchange and communal relationships. This is related to a very very important point I am interested in. Communal relationships are like exchange relationships where both relationships are designed to keep the relationship alive and fair and so supportive for both. Exchange relationship is more calculating and expects everything to be physically equal, right away, which simply is not reality. So an example would be a man in a relationship who expects his partner to always wash the fridge an equal number of times. The communal relationship could be in line with this man’s expectation. The difference is what information is taken into account. All of it? Is the partner sick, or has less free time than the man? The exchange relationship is feasible in contexts where in fact all has equal responsibilities and time. This is not most people’s circumstance; only perhaps the very wealthy have this. The communal relationship is applicable to the unequal circumstances. Both relationship types demand the other fulfill their part of the bargain.
            The discussion I want to have is on this simplistic but large point of this earth, the entirety of it, and how we (humans) relate to it. There is an interesting perspective that sees the earth as a dead thing, and so simply a thing to study and dissect and use for business and profit. There is much atrocity that is occurring in every moment. This is largely uninteresting and not worth acting upon by the majority or virtually everyone. There is no plan in place, there is no specific direction, there is no leadership in this, for a solution. So this week has provided useful information in understanding where we are now. Currently, to me it seems plain that humans hide behind anonymity for accepting the world’s problems (even though commonsense, the world’s problems are my problems because I am part of this world). However a solution seems that removing that “mask” would help people to see the commonsense point that we are of this world, and so it is part of our concern what happens to it. As I was discussing in the relationships that both persons expect the other to play their part. So to it is with the earth. Though currently no human is giving the earth the voice it deserves in addressing ALL issues of abuse that occur on this earth, as part of everyone’s obligation to care about yet no one is answering that obligation. The evidence is in the widespread ignorance and apathy seen both online and in the real world. I admit it is a precarious situation especially when weighing the degree to which and extent we entertain ourselves and are accepting responsibilities that will only add further consequences when one sees how the abuses are connected to the way money works through what we buy. Such as ipods is one simple example. Reed College has a whole store dedicated to worker abuse, the Apple store. Is this ironic or really worrisome? Both. If you are unfamiliar with the Chinese worker abuse I suggest googling it. This one example can show how through money we social loaf off the work of these workers, the difference is that it is systematized through money. This is also can be seen as a position of prisoner’s dilemma as the worker is forced to cooperate (to survive) and we as the consumer defect and so buy into OUR reward of a cheaply made product that abuse life. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in anonymity so I would not have to step out of my comfort to assist and support this world to be the place I always knew it could be and should have been from the getgo.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the world being able to change and being too afraid to stand up and share that change/vision with others and then to with others find practical solutions to make this world into what it should be, a world where all are equal in their value and all is seen as life and of worth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not realize that I will need to give up that which makes me unequal to this earth and become equal to the process of become a real physical being that walk this process of humanity realizing our source of earth as ourselves and how this is who WE REALLY ARE, the earth and so physical, and where all power thus lies.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not realize I can live from the actual starting point of what is best for all in everything I could do, and do do, and so in this way align said doings/actions to what is best for all, which what is best for all is this earth, is this equal and one power of the earth/physical, the very substance of these body we have not full awareness of or understand in a real in depth perspective, having thus far stayed in the surface of things and not explored this actual universe that is this physical human body, let alone this earth and the rest of this existence.
I commit myself to explore this human physical body through being HERE and being HERE in every breath as EVERY breath is HERE.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the situation where workers are giving poor pay and placed in a system where pay is not guaranteed and thus i forgive myself for accepting and allowing a system that creates an at-most-fear of survival in order to become slaves to whoever holds money, and so essentially each of us as born a slave to the system as the system as been here throughout our lives.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as a child understand that humans do not act according to what is best for all, and so i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate a real solution and had thus spent time seeking a way out through meditation and New age spirituality.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012


 So im going to look at a small point, the thought that, when hearing that only a few prosper from the system we have, the Immediate Reaction that We Have of Thinking, No, wait the majority of Humans are Happy, the majority are well, and are taken care of, isn’t this so?
                So this statement for me is a difficult point to face as I  can imagine all the points people can bring up, which are existent within me obviously otherwise I would not have them. People may say, but where we are now is soooooo much better than 100 years ago. People live longer, they use to die at a younger age. We have technology, cell phones, and medicine and even a public education system where anyone can get educated now, so there are no excuses for suffering. These statements I just wrote out shows the general ignorance and denial that many Americans live in and I bet Europeans too. Looking at history, which countries have benefited from the resources out of third world countries the most? Where are all the ipods and gadgets going to, China? Or the US and Europe? Where are all the food going to US and Europe, or are they going to the mouths of the people who live in those very same countries? So if you have not gotten my point yet, here it is: The American and European countries (including others) are benefiting from wars and tragedies across the globe. Take a look at the Documentary The Power Principle for detail in this. Watch the Documentary Darwin’s Nightmare to see how European countries are literally taking(buying) food from Tanzania while Tanzanians have little to eat. You would be pretty Greedy if you did not investigate how as a European, American or someone with Sufficient money to buy gadgets (even food) we are directly participating in a system of Inequality. So while the US constitution says all men are created equal, it does not say that we are treated as equal men. It does not say how our economic values people inequally according to how much money they have. It does not say that politics is decided by those with money in the pocket. It does not say that the pursuit of happiness over the good of the group is evil as it diminishes the overall happiness of the group and so happiness has become this sort of dis-ease of denying the truth denying the negative denying anything that would of concern or worry especially when it does not pertain to you. Of course when it pertains to you are willing to cry and shout and say how sad or angry you are about someone else doing something to you, when you know its just you. If it was someone else it would have to be because of survival or money like being a prostitute in India because you cannot find any other sources of income. In that we are all responsible because we all decided that money is what guarantees survival and entertainment where we choose to not see that by basing money in survival we can force and abuse others REAL choice REAL freewill by having it be conditional on money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a world & value and definition of money where humans take the resources and food from others legally and so sneakily take what belongs to everyone equally for the benefit of a few and the cost of the many.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing where the value and definition of money is the value of a human beings life, where nothing has changed since times in American colonial slavery.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the denial, ignorance, and disbelief that money enslaves humanity as it is clear slaves exist as child prostitutes, as workers in Foxcomm, as sweatshops in India, in the lower class in United States, in the lower classes in Europe, in Africa where people starve to death especially children who’s value is not valued by our money system as people rather pay for personal ownership of an ipad than support a child to live a life on this earth, where gamblers are obviously enslaved to money and businessmen have lost all sense of reason and morality that they are willing to create sweatshops indicating that we has humanity must stand up, all as equally as one to prevent all this abuse from occurring by ensuring the value and definition of Life to be existent within everything we do, including the earning and spending of money where this can be practically accomplished where we decide that survival should not be dependent on money and so by giving money to all for their basic needs met we can take care of all, and ensure a life of dignity and worth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing excuses and justifications come from humanity and myself that this would be difficult as it is plain that those humans who have the support provided through their jobs or family or government, have the money and so time to work towards this and so there are no excuses.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make it explicit and clear that the suffering that is being experienced due to our value and definition of money is tremendous and this is not a point of complaint, but an OUTRAGE that we have ACCEPTED and ALLOWED this for this long!!!!
TO be continued… I gots stuff to do. 

Monday, November 12, 2012

Day-31:Pavlovian Conditioning, and Emotional Memory Automatic Response


Is in a previous blog I opened up and explained the basic point of Operant Conditioning as used and defined in Behavioral Science. Another equally important Behavioral Phenomenon is Pavlovian or Classical Conditioning. This is what I would call the very most basic way to acquire a relationship, using the history of past relationships to respond differentially to the environment. SO what do I mean? What separates Pavlovian Conditioning from Operant Conditioning (at least in one important way) is that the behavior is more restricted to one automatic/reactive response in Pavlovian Conditioning. In Operant Conditioning you are “free” to be as creative as you want to achieve the Contingency of the Reward or to avoid the Punishment (see previous blog entitled for further explanation). Classical Conditioning requires some Innate or alternatively previously learned behavioral response to be effective at creating the NEW conditioned Response. I should say BORROWED and not New.
            So lets take an example, if every time a bright light is flashed in your eyes and your eyes dilate, then this is a biological or physical response that can be conditioned, to lets say a SOUND. If I as an experimenter play this Sound for a minute up to the presentation of a Bright Light in your eyes, your physical body will now respond or expect this light to occur again. In this particular case it may take several Presentations of the Sound and Light before the response is adequate enough that the eyes will actually dilate with the presentation of the SOUND.
Here is a technical Lay out of the “Learned Response” (it seems more like an expectation is formed)
Acquisition Stage:
SOUNDDDDDD Then LIGHT!!!! MY Eyes DILATE, then Repeat, Repeat, Repeat.
            SOUND, My Eyes DILATE!!!!!!
            So a more practical everyday example of this would be how we may HATE certain foods after ONE bad experience. This could be because of an association with food poisoning or something else rather unpleasant (vomiting? Or maybe it really tasted bad). Something really cool I learned in my Learning class last spring was how we can essentially destabilize a memory that had a bad experienced conditioned to it through remembering the memory and then not reacting and so later you can reface this memory or actual situation with essentially a NEW response or NOT reacting and permanently reduce the reaction.
            So lets walk this in more detail. Lets take the food example…
Lets say you ate some bad Ham. You feel sick, so sick that next time you see ham or smell it you feel sick. There are many factors here, did the ham smell? How sick were you? Commonsense, the stronger the sensations/experiences the quicker and stronger are the responses acquired to things in that moment that was associated with the sickness, namely the ham. This can include, the sight, the smell. Ok, so this is learned. Now consider how to remove this. If you were to now eat, ham, and well stop yourself from having all these responses, wanting to vomit, feeling sick, and just do it! Well you should be fine and have now learned the ham was not bad this time. This is like a position of will. Um, ok, so here is something I can only guess as to why it occurs. Well it seems this erasure of conditioning occurs BEST when you firstly eat the ham and then WAIT for some moments/time, within MAX 6 hours, then you have to keep eating the HAM without REACTIONS,  then the INITIAL experience of a singular moment allowed “access” to the MEMORY, thus destabilizing it and allowing it to be erased, moments later. (this is what understood from my class, and this is the paper we referred to) THERE IS A PODCAST I recommend all to listen to. This essentially says, im not kidding, there is a DRUG that essentially does the work of erasing the EMOTIONAL RESPONSE. The podcast is little playful, but the most interesting part is how through recollecting a memory without the emotional response and DIY overcome the emotional AUTOMATICITY that requires removal. SO essentially the relationship of this emotion to the memory is removed. One very important point though, you will still remember the events of the memory, only the emotional connection is, shall we say, released. This podcast fails to capture that.This was shown in both rats and humans. And was done in investigating FEARS. Though I can imagine other responses can be reduced.


        So I am actually looking at in my personal research how, emotions (and feelings) play their role in being a force that is allowed to influence our decisions because we see them as this abstract mental thing that has more power than us here as physical being, perfectly capable of self-directing, and so can disregard emotions if they are not aligned with what this moments requires from us, according to what is best for all. It seems key to realize that these views of emotions being important or necessary is a claim made in the mind and not in the physical here. Emotions are actually occurring at the physical and so can be stopped and so any value or perceived power they have over self is an abstract thought, so not real. Which is why at Desteni we propose breathing and equalizing oneself to the physical as this is what is real, and where REAL power exists. Which in Clinical Psycholgy, humans have not realized that HAPPINESS is NOT INDICATIVE of HEALTH, but actual measurable actions like acts of SELF-DECEPTION, SELF-SABOTAGE, SELF-FORGETFULNESS, SELF-IGNORANCE, SELF-DISHONESTY, and others… and how these indicate POOR Mental Health and ARE ALL ACCEPTED AS ACCEPTABLE WAYS TO FEEEL HAPPY. So our mental health system is itself Self-Deceptive, in believing HAPPINESS, just an emotional Experience, will mean ANYTHING OF VALUE or say what the person is REALLY participating in that is HARMING our society. Ignorance should be itself questioned as a point of Mental Health. If you are ignorant of horrors of this world what does this say about you, are you avoiding something you fear, what do you fear? etc… So suffice to say POSITIVE ILLUSIONS are a Huge Topic that requires being faced by Everyone, as this is what society, particularly those in the Western “Developed” Countries seem to use as an Escape to REAL HEALTH, and STRENGTH and VITALITY, found in the physical and only really seen in Honesty. Why is our Mental Health System not Starting from Honesty????????

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a mental health system that cares only for profit and control and so have set up entertainment to control through the drug called Happiness where humans are sedated, with their televisions, and ipods, and so stop caring for LIFE, and the PHYSICAL, and so why does the mental health care system take LIFE and the PHYSICAL into consideration?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the money system decide our experience of ourselves, through our collective unspoken submission to a drug of HAPPINESS where we essentially chase our desires, and purposely find ways to Delude ourselves in the mind like religion, or meditation, or positive thinking, whose goal is personal satis-faction, creathing more factions, and ignoring the things which makes us equal, the physical and life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a system based in self-interest where we so BODLY claim HAPPINESS is the answer, KEY and PURPOSE to LIFE where it is where we separate ourselves from LIFE, and the PHYSICAL, into our Delusion, and Positve Illusions, which now has a whole movement in psychology called Postive psychology that says Positive Illusions are good as they keep us happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see as humanity the commonsense that in participating in one polarity, HAPPINESS you start ignoring and SUPPRESSING the Opposite Polarity known as BAD EMOTIONS, sadness, anger, and so we start DULLING ourselves to LIFE and see how there may be some use to CARING and STANDING in FACE of RESISTANCE to understand the POWER we have given away to the NEGATIVE and not see that there is in fact no GOOD or LIGHT or BAD or NEGATIVE but simply the physical here, that has always been here, and supporting us for all this time, being the point of Stability and Support that even allowed us to remain in Delusion as long as we did so that we can realize WE ARE THE ONES GIVING UP THE GREAT EXPERIENCE OF BEING A CREATOR EQUAL TO THE PHYSICAL, and not one else is doing this to us but ourselves.
I commit myself to walk one with the physical, with the physical in each moment, and be with the breath in each moment of in-breath and out-breath, and start slowly but surely becoming equal to the physical breath by breath, moment by moment, and so become equal to the power of this reality, and start creating this world as a real place where the physical is realized for what it is, our point of Self, separation that we seek in our pursuits of sensations yet always miss the simplicity as we are “stuck” in the mind not willing to give breathing a chance in realizing breathing is not mind and so is a way of realizing ourselves as physical beings not mind-based but physical-based, in harmony with this planet and human, animal, plant World that true Majesty is found and real experiences are found not of polarity but physicality as part of an equation that we can manipulate, change, and recreate in self-honesty for ourselves in the starting point of Everyone.