Thursday, March 28, 2019

Day 705 The word 'Friend'


To be a Friend

The Tv Show Friends

Its quite something, quite a word.

This word came up in my life, and some really dark reaction was here. Its resonance its still here. Its still haunting. Its what my last blog was about. Hauntings of Love. The phrase that got me triggered was "Thanks Friend" And I had said a really warm message. Basically how I heard it was an emphasis on the word FRIEND as in, back off!!!  You are too warm, you are smothering me, I am uncomfortable right now!!!

So the flood gates opened up and all of it came rushing out. All the past, all the zombified memories still within me roaming around.

So while I did work on some dimensions and in correcting/aligning the point more within me, I see that it would be a very juicy and fruitful method to focus on the word Friend. So to opened it up. Redefine it. Play with it, and use it, speak it.

So that's my intro and here goes.

How I have used the word so far is in very casual use of the word, meaning it doesn't take much for me to consider someone a friend. So I easily and readily call someone my friend. But the reality is there are levels of depths of friendships. We don't really have a word/label to describe the different levels.

Friendship scares me, the word itself scares me. I didn't expect it too when coming here to work on the word. But I know it make sense why it does scare me. Cause of my awkward and volatile history of having friends. That was the words and presence of myself while I was sharing to someone, that they pointed out I need to change my past. Maybe its this specific past moments, definitions and relationship to these words.

Friends, Friendship, Having Friends.

When my mom would make a big deal on me making friends or having friends while I was a Kid. Social acceptance apparently being so important. I am way past that now.

But still. There are friends that I know will always be around, be willing to chat/talk.

Okay...... So......  what I 'm seeing here is that I need to let go of the idea of Friendship that my parents and society passed onto me. Where Friends became an Attainment, a Status Symbol, a Dream. Just like the TV show Friends coincidentally, or is it? Hmmmmm.....

Anyway. The people I spend time with here, that is real The time i spend alone with myself is real too. Eqaully as real.

Friendship to redefine it should be the epitome of the best qualities of BEING a Friend. It should be a compliment and a regard. In the world system, friend is more a label and used for survival.

The qualities of a friend would be showing up, listening, supporting, being there, doing what is best, directing the points and taking responsibility.

So we have the extremes, then the very shallow, you are my friend status label, to you are a true friend. Using the word, or trying to be understood shouldn't matter so much.

At least for me, my focus should be not on what someone means by 'Friend,' but by living me, being me, continuing to be the best me, and share that to everyone.

So its to stop chasing the status symbol of friendship. Like I have 10 friends or 20 friends... Realistically people come and go from our lives, thats just how it works. If someone stays for a significant amount of time, then that's just how it works out. There is only so much that is in your control, and there is that which isn't. Both Accepting the lack of control you have AND living up to your utmost in direction, directiveness, creation is important. Cause its also about being OPEN to what Life brings as well, and as much as directing your life. This may seem like a contradiction, but it isn't really. Cause its about whats best for all. Who you are being that at your core. Like your left and right hand. You have that which you direct/move, and that which you have to take and work with with. You still have to actively work with and create with what life brings you. You still have to Create and Decide who you are with what HAPPENS to you.

What's interesting with someone going into and out of your Life, is that you always remain here as you. So if you are the best friend you can be that that always remains here no matter whose here or not. Who you are carries on into whatever relationships you have.

Why not define our Friendships?

Why not create agreements of Friendship?

Why not create and define specificity and details of our lives. I mean it is our lives and we will die. It is temporary. Lets create the best, and live to the fullest. Let's speak out loud, define and create.

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Day 704 Hauntings of Love

 Okay Im going to be laying out a System Design of mine, so read carefully.

When I was 18, I already developed this system of Love where I can access that energy of Love whenever I wanted. It would be brought here literally in a moment. This speed and easy signifies that it was pre-programmed in my nature/design and that I practiced/accessed it heavily, across my life which I did. So the extent of this system is in the facts that I would spend a few moments/hours/days with a girl my age and then "fall in love" with her, which meant that 18 I said to these ladies that I will always love you, I love spending time with you, I will always be there for you, and its not only what I said, it was my presence. I oozed love at them. They knew that I loved them, even though I only met them, spent very little time with them. So in this way I initiated all of my relationships. I was the one who created the point. I manifested the relationship, even though at times it was the ladies who made the move to kiss me first, it was actually through my sweet honeyed words and presence that they knew where I stood, and so I was the one that manifested the point.

This fact/reality is one I suppressed. I haven't taken responsibility/ownership for this fact. It was through me, through me living love as Energy as this system, as these words, as how I sounded, as my presence that I created the points of relationship and hooking up, AND for all the outflow consequences of that including the level of superficiality and lack of depth and realness. And this was in every single one of my romantic relationships and in many of my friendships because I would do the same in my friendships...

With friends it worked like this... I would decide or just know to Love this person. This was upon meeting them or spending some time with them...

I can see here the redefinition of Love would be useful to understand how to practically live Love for real. Through spending time and getting to know someone you naturally develop a history, intimacy, especially the more HERE you are with that Thing or Person. I started writing about this redefinition from reading the Little Prince: I suggest reading my blog on that topic:
 The bottom line message is that it takes time, openness, depth, being real and here, and it won't be THE defining/determining factor whether two people are actually a good match for a life partnership relationship and whether that point will manifest. For a life partnership, you could say it takes a lot more work than Love energy, it does take practical love, it does take pushing boundaries, it is NOT fully under your control or decision since it is TWO people, it does take you directing the point, and being trustworthy. It takes a lot more that simply saying things like "I will always love you, I love spending time with you, I will always be there for you."  These things I said were like false promises, hopefully romantic. Like wishful thinking. Honeyed words to entrap someone based on energy.

So now this is one dimension I am seeing and realizing I am responsible for initiating and creating the nature and tone of my relationships. And the consequences of the relationships have been my Hauntings.

Because I lived separate from being here when deciding to love someone based as an energy, the relationships couldn't penetrate past superficiality. This meant that there was no depth. Its like a smiling man saying I love you but that's it. He sits there saying I love you. What is very interesting is that there would be simulations of depth and conversations that supposedly I would be opening up and sharing myself, except it wouldn't really be that complete relaxation, complete letting go, the natural opening of a flower bud. What existed within me was a heightened level of stress and nervousness and fear of saying the wrong thing.... does that sound like real love? a loving relationship? No it doesn't does it? And what is most interesting is that I created the point, the entire relationship, the nature of communication, Myself. I did it. From the very beginning to the end, I led it to be that way.

Can you see how its really BEST to first establish that openness of communication and relaxation is REALLY HERE, before agreeing to be in a relationship? I mean that makes sense right? Hahaha (the exact thing I didn't do) Or even in recognizing the depth that you do have with a friend. What is the truth, the real nature of things in this moment between me and this person?

One dimension within all of this is viewing a partnership relationship/agreement as inherently more valuable than a friendship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value having a girlfriend/wife/partner as more valuable than a friend.

The truth is you cannot compare the two. One isn't more valuable than the other, they are just different.

Now back to the creation of surface layer, superficial relationships and the consequence of that.
So what is interesting about the nature of these relationships I created is that they could end in any moment. That's really interesting. Where the person can decide or say that's its over, or just drifts away, or ignores my messages. So the reason why it could end unexpectedly is because there was no foundation. It was not built on depth, trust, openness. It was built on honeyed words, honeyed smiles and pretending.

The nature of it ending unexpectedly was the consequence I manifested, including the fear and loss I would feel when it would end unexpectedly. It was a shock and surprise, which over time became a fear, a real petrification possession of saying the wrong thing, the seemingly insignificant thing that would end the relationship. Because that is what appeared to be happening at a surface level.

This fear of the relationship abruptly ending became an ever present point operating in the background. My mind would bring up the simulation of a person I have been getting to know to all of a sudden turn around saying they would like some space, which translated to them leaving in my past memories.

I have worked on various dimensions of who I am in my relationships that won't be covered here, So this here is the next step.

So in essence, I created the nature of the beginning of the relationships and the nature of the end, which I ended up creating and experiencing multiple times.

And now looking at the point objectively, its understandable why someone would leave such a situation. I would too. 

The memories of my past have been haunting me. The fear haunts me. And now in understanding how Love as Energy as me created the point, understanding the cycle, the beginning to end. I can let it all go. I can stop creating the same future.

I am in control of the nature of relationships I create. I create my desteny.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear of experiencing someone abruptly ending/cutting off relationship/communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Love someone as Energy as a decision, and so be blind to the true nature of our relationship, and so making it possible to genuinely be surprised when a shallow relationship ends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live here and for accepting and allowing myself to keep my hauntings fear alive through not seeing what is HERE.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live like in a virtual reality of my past haunting experiences instead of seeing how I have been building real relationships with people based on depth, communication and time spent together with openness, for a good while now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let these backchats exist any while longer of a person suddenly choosing/saying they are leaving my life, they don't want to see me anymore, that it would be better for us to spend some time apart, we don't work well together, that we should see other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear of someone exiting my life quietly, to stop responding to calls, messages, emails, I send them. To suddenly stop saying hi/hello to me when we see each other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear someone straight up ignoring me even though I am right next to them, and I see they are smiling and happy talking with someone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create shallow relationships through me becoming a system of energy as love blinding myself and others, and creating unstable and unreliable connections with people, often making unrealistic promises and claims.

I forgive myself for creating such undue stress, and self-pain and destruction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to making unpleasant and not very nice moments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do this to myself and others, to miss out opportunities to build real friendships, connections and moments between me and people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage real friendships and connections through continuing this fear and expectation that every/any relationship I will have will end in the exact same way that all the others have ended.

I commit myself to break the cycle

I commit myself to show myself that I create my desteny.

I commit myself to show that through depth and communication, and being here is how we create real relationships that last.

I commit myself to show myself that I can change, that I can be free of fear, and create trust, security and stability in relationships that I invest in.

I commit myself to show to everyone that relationships require work and are not automatically attained.

I commit myself to share my life story with what I lived in terms of Love and Relationships and what I learned from that.

Monday, March 25, 2019

Day 703 When Responsibility becomes Manifested

So I read this line in my last blog: "Accepting that I did something, the worst of me, is the first step in taking self-responsibility and self-change, and accepting that in the face of irreparable consequence is the first step to freedom."

So I have went through events recently and I have seen I need to Live the word Directive.

And that Living Directive is actually the Full step of Fully Taking Responsibility. Because its preventing consequence.

Being the word Directive means directing what is inside of you in the moment by doing the self-forgiveness in the moment and stopping the mind point so you are clear and empty inside of you in the moment. Being Directive is THEN asking yourself how do you direct this moment to what is best for all.  And then you speak and you move.
           The Living word Directive is you being here and directing the moment and taking full responsibility for the moment by directing it in all aspects and dimensions. It is a presence of yourself. Your voice changes, you stance and posture changes. Who you are changes. You Live and become Directive in the moment. You Direct the situation, the moment and the people, to what is best for all and you do anything/everything that is needed.

So when Consequence does happen, it is important to  accept what has happened and how you allowed that moment to happen, that is the beginning half of taking responsibility. The second half and so the full step is to be directive and direct the moment to prevent the consequence. It does demand perfection, it is pushing past your boundaries, limits and comfort zones. It does require being completely here, in the moment, with the moment, with the situation, people and things in the moment. Emphasis on the people, things and what is happening.

I need to be Directive more often, in more moments of my day. I need to live it in more moments so that it becomes more natural, more learned, more integrated in the memory of the flesh of my physical and the matter of my being. I need to live Directive in the contexts that I am weak and susceptible to abdicating my responsibility, becoming like Jello. I need to change my past and preprogramming. I need to change and become something new.

What I observe and foresee is that when we live Directive, we are creating a foundation of security, trust and reliability that truly allows letting go, relaxation, and moments of Joy, Peace, and Celebration. As within, so without. As with Self, and so with the World Collectively. Among Friendships and Relationships. And for the moment we are Living Directive, and for whoever is in the moment with you.

I have simulated a relationship among two people, it can be any kind of relationship, but when these two people are together and neither of them is living Directive, the relationship is doomed to fail, there will be plenty of conflict, awkwardness, consequence, insecurity, being uncomfortable. Living Directive is necessary. And when I simulate both persons being Directive then it works out well. I have experienced this myself.

Due to the compartmentalize nature of the mind, with certain people and certain contexts its either easy or its a challenge to live Directive. So don't judge yourself as someone that sucks or is great at living Directive. Have you mastered all contexts? Or do you suck in all contexts?Probably Not.

You can do it. Just gotta let yourself do it.

Here's a relevant eqafe recording:
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Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Day 702 Fear from my Past Relationships

From my past relationships with women...

I am afraid of saying or doing something in the heat of the moment and regretting it…

I am afraid of doing or saying something I can’t take back…

...I accept the worst of me and the worst that I can do. I accept that it can happen. I accept that it can happen that I do say something that makes the relationships irreparable, that ends it, I can that accept that I can be saying right now as I caught myself saying it. I can accept that I just said/done such a thing.I can accept that I just lived the worst of me. I can accept what is happening right now. I can forgive myself for doing that. I can forgive myself even though there is a consequence that no self-forgiveness or self-change can undo. I can forgive myself even though the consequence is permanent. I can forgive myself wholly/fully. I forgive myself not for the purpose of undoing consequence, but because I did that, I created that consequence, and I accept that I did that.... I take responsibility.

Accepting that I did something, the worst of me, is the first step in taking self-responsibility and self-change, and accepting that in the face of irreparable consequence is the first step to freedom. And forgiving myself for doing the worst of me, I do that for me, I really forgive me for doing that no matter what may be transpiring now as a consequence to what I did.

I can accept that in some future moment I can do such a thing, it is possible, and if I do, I do accept that I just did it and/or doing it now, and I can forgive myself for that, and I do it wholly for me. I can accept that I can create irreparable consequence, permanent consequence in the future with my words and actions. I won't live in fear of that...

From my past relationships with women...

I am afraid of saying or doing something in the heat of the moment and regretting it…

I am afraid of doing or saying something I can’t take back…

I can accept what is here. I can accept the worst of me, and work with what is here, and what the consequence is. I accept it. I accept what I can do in the future. I accept what I did in the past. 

I take responsibility for whatever I say or do, or will say or will do. And I accept any consequence/result. I obviously won't be trying to create consequence.... but I accept any/all that do and will happen.

As long as I stick to this, then I have nothing to fear in what I might say, or might do and any consequences of that.  

I accept the reality of the moment and all that is in it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear saying something stupid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear accepting that I said something stupid.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear accepting the consequence from doing something stupid. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear of starting a new relationship, to fear saying something stupid in the most intimate and vulnerable of moments.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear saying or doing something that causes a person to break up with me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the potential of starting a relationship because it opens up the potential to be broken up with. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to at very beginning of a real possibility of a relationship, to expect rejection, expect failure, expect difficulty, an uphill battle, resistance and just not being wanted around.... all because of holding onto my past within me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel doomed to repeat my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be naturally me, not naturally expressive, and to exist within suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed talking about such points as a potential of a new relationship.

And I change me here, now so that I won't freakout with the potential of any new relationship that may come my way. I change for me and others.

I am not bound my past. I choose to live here, be here, and be who I am, and see where life leads me. If life leads me to a potential partner then I will explore the point. If it doesn't then it doesn't. But I won't be defined by my past any longer.

Monday, March 18, 2019

Day 701 Embracing Myself

So I was asked the question: can I embrace the worst part of myself?

This wasn't the first time I consider such things as EMBRACE myself, embracing myself, and the evil, dark sides of me.

So a practical example of the dark side of me. Not so long ago, maybe 1-2 weeks I was irritated, tired, and started to say some underhanded NASTY things about someone to someone. This is the worst part of me, at least in the Now times, or times of Today.

So that's the practical example....

Now here I have something NEW to share.  So the OLD is that I have done self-forgiveness many times, and taken self-responsibility and I would totally do that with this situation. But the NEW here is this approach which is like a Living Word of Embrace....    Its a warm hug or embrace of me.

The perfect Image to describe this i me running up to hug ME, and I look today and that is me as a kid, or just me but shorter. But you know when a kid runs up to you and hugs you and looks straight up to you? That is what that image/moment is. So a real nice warm hug or embrace. So in such a moment where I am truly my nastiest self, darkest, worst part of me... if I live that as a living word, a living self-movement, a movement made in the moment within me, of embracing me, giving me a warm hug, and seeing down and seeing ME, being the one warm hugging me... And me being the warm giving the warm hug....

Well, how can I really continue being nasty, the worst of me in that moment? I cannot. Its impossible. That warm hug reminds me, that this is me, here I am, I can take responsibility and change in the moment. I can literally change in the moment from being dark and nasty, to being warm to others, being friendly, present and here.

So redefine embracing to a living word of a Warm Hug. And so I live that in the moment when I am reacting as the worst part of me. This is my commitment statement

I commit myself to live the word Embracing as the living word of a Warm hug when I am reacting as the worst part of me as being Nasty, and Irritated, and Tired.

Thursday, March 14, 2019

Day 700 - A quiet space within me

This morning I found out something about the mind.... a memory from when I was told "Yogan, listen to me you don't know what you are doing" OMG I can't believe this...You are so weird and different.

So I did self-forgiveness on this moment/memory and the reactions... and I had a peace within me. A quietness. The reaction that was haunting me was held together by LOVE. I loved my friend, and he was the one that told me these words. So because of Love I listened to him and believed him. Because of love I validated his opinions and beliefs about me. And it stayed with me. Love is unnecessary. I realize that. Because you can hug a person, you can talk to a person, you can do anything with a person, and you don't need LOVE to enjoy them. Love is fear. Fear is love.

Test it out yourself, when you love someone, will you take in whatever they say about you? Don't you start to accept more shit, don't you FEAR to lose them? You do. That's the human nature or human mind. And I am changing that human nature and human mind within me. That's what's so extraordinary about self-forgiveness and the desteni process.

You don't need to fear to lose anyone. You don't need love. All you need to do is LIVE all the things you would normally live that are great about relationships: the playing, hugging, conversations, support, standing by, intimacy, showing up, helping, listening, sharing.... all of that has nothing to do with Love, it has to do with all of these others words... like depth, intimacy, caring, enjoying each other, stillness, depth, playfulness.

We THINK as humanity that Love is some ALL POWERFUL force that must encompass ALL GOOD feelings, everything GOOD in the world, that if you don't have LOVE then you can't enjoy, you can't feel anything, you can't have depth, intimacy, playfulness... BUT THAT"S NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its not true. That's a lie. Love is just one word, one expression. It is just one system. We can redefine love, sure we can. But as a system of Fear... love doesn't need to exist at all. As how it exists normally it can be removed. The love you see in stories, the love you feel when you start out in relationships, its something perverted. It is an accumulation of your hopes, dreams and desire for relationships. It is ego. It is FEAR.

And this morning I removed the point in this memory that has held by love. And now I have freedom from that burden of Love as Fear. I didn't want to lose my friend... I accepted their abusive words as true.

And I carried that within me this whole time. And the lesson is LOVE. That I can't let any Love within me to justify believing ANYTHING. Belief should never be based on someone else's opinion. And that is one area that Love corrupts and destroys so easily.

We DON"T need Love. We don't. Just remove it and you'll be good.

WHAT  we do need is Respect, Support, Care, Nurturing, Attention, Growth, Maturity, what is best for all. Anything that tolerates abuse MUST END.

Redefine love if you want. But never forget and never hide the truth of Love as a system, and what was allowed by and through love... which is the abuses of the world.

At least for me, it seems I can finally relax. At least for now. But its so sweet and so good. Finally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow abusive words from another because they are my friend and I loved them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow to see myself as bad different or weird, because my friend called me that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Loving your friend means letting them abuse you.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly trust a good feeling of love and ignore the reality right in front of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the true nature of LOVE, and all the abuse love has allowed to exist for all of Humanity, time and time again.

Sunday, March 10, 2019

Day 699 Pumped Up - Redefining and Living Words

I am walking a process of living words. Today I am taking a word that I have lived in some areas of my life already and expanding it. The word is Pumped Up. I have lived in during this last year at my physical labor job, where at any moment I may need to lift something heavy or do some intense physical movement for the job. I also have lived this word when I am doing something my life where I am directing with that tenacity.

Body Dimension
- In my body I feel what I am calling adrenaline with being pumped up.
-In my body I feel I have access to all the sugar and glucose for my cells and muscles to move quickly, and very effectively.
-In my body I feel so strong, so awake and so ready to do anything.
-In my body I can push my limits and go strong.

Being Pumped has dimensions of Directiveness, and being in control, calm. A very masculine presence where I do shout or speak loudly, yet very much to the point and non-emotional.

-I can incorporate this word Pumped Up in my daily exercise routine, where I do move in that intensity and that adrenaline, and so I daily practice in using that intensity for a short time.

- I can incorporate this word in my daily responsibilities and tasks that are more mental based, like on the computer writing, or calling people on the phone to get things done, or any other work that is non-physical labor.

Potential Pitfalls
- I have experienced feeling overwhelmed or over worked where I couldn't let go of the adrenaline rush before. So there is that I have to watch out for, to remember I can let this adrenaline experience go and relax. So essentially not over abuse my body.

- I need to make sure I eat well and eat even calories and hydrate cause being pumped up I use more energy (calories) and its not magically appearing, I need to eat food, and eat balanced meals.