Saturday, February 23, 2019

Day 698 Redefinition of Strength

So if you would have asked me, or if I would have asked myself, what Strength is Last Week....
I would have said/shown like standing up, being rigid, muscular, pushing, tough.

But that's not all there is to Strength, and the current definition is not appropriate in certain contexts.

So this is what I found, being gentle and embracing what is here, no matter who it is, what they are doing, what they said, what they lived, embrace and accept what is here, doing this.... doing this is the antithesis, the complete opposite to my average response of Strength.

In the age of Donald Trump, that definition of Strength of being so masculine, being tough, pushing things through, being rigid, being sharp is clearly shown to be what is is. And that is the natural response for me.

SO something that I have been doing unconsciously is breathing in sharply. In seemingly random moments. What I'm seeing here is this, that breathing sharply is me activating this strength, which plays out like a suppression. Suppressing what is here so I can do what I perceive I need to do.

I do this, while saying to myself, because I need to, because I have to. Because that is what is needed. I need to be strong.

So I can exist in this way, and  I have existed and I have achieved/accomplished things, BUT its not the best way. Its better than doing NOTHING at all, but there is a BETTER WAY. So this way is not the most appropriate and best way. Though I do understand that I lacked the understanding and that was the best I could do. And now I am ready to learn and apply.

So embracing and accepting what is here takes strength, or that is how it should be. So I define that as strength. And then moving slow within me and then outwardly moving as quick as what is needed.


So what is embracing and accepting practically done in the moment? I start by this moment here that I am. I am here. I check what here I am not accepting. And then I visualize that that is here in my reality, and I accept this is the reality right now. It can be a person, or a place, or a thing. But it is always the fact of the matter. I accept what is here and embrace it. And with that I move slower within myself

What is moving slower practically in the moment? I see the energy within me wanting to move quickly to resist and hate on what is here, and blame, so I slow it all down within me, until all that exist is here within me. Only I exist. I exist within me. Nothing else. So then I can move in reality and do and move.

What is moving in reality while moving slow within me?  Practically in the moment it is me being clear within me, and slow within me. There is no energy. I am slow within me. But that within slowness does not define slowness in physical movement. I am eternally here and clear within. So I just move. I can move and do in reality with the body. That's it. Nothing more or less.

What do I do when a backchat is here? I slow down within me and I look if I am embracing and accepting what is here, and yes the backchat ends.

This is Strength.

When there is something or someone difference, I embrace that fact that they are here. So I am clear within me. And I can assist them.

Before I would enter in essentially rage/aggression/hate easily. I would YELL in my written words. You can see when you yell even in writing words online. Or whether you want to yell in certain contexts or conversations. Applying what I wrote here will help you. That is what I'm doing and its working. Test it.

There is a difference between deciding to yell, and yelling automatically.

There is a difference between approaching a problem with already accepting the reality of the reality,  and approaching it with resistance, blame, anger, STRENGTH as defined by this context.

It takes real strength facing the reality of reality and work with that as your starting point. Which requires moving slow within you. Cause the system wants you to move quick within you to get the energy built up and expressed quickly as the strength defined by the system in the Age of Strong Men. FORCING, PUSHING, ENDING.

Real force, real pushing, would exist within this starting point of moving slow within self. I haven't gotten there yet. I am not there yet. But that is what I expect to be the case.

But first I have to release this old definition and habit of strength, as Ego, as I know, I am right, I am going to DO IT, I am going to change things NOW, and I am going to speak NOW. Feeling that RISE Of energy within me. The rise of ego. The quick ascension to the throne and taking control.

With moving slow its different. Within me, its like water of a still lake. It is already here. It is just clear within me, like clear water. And then I just move and speak within that slowness of my body which I trust. And what I do and move is easy.

Moving like this way is different. It takes some getting used to. It has that awkwardness and that panic of what if I can't move quickly any more? Which i can prove right away in the physical that I just move and do and can get things done fast. Its just within me it won't be moving in that quickness as before. So yes that definition of quick needs to change as my inner experience.

This is a different way of living and it takes some getting used to.

This is the new Strength I am living. And my breathing is evidence/cross-reference. Am I breathing sharply? If so then its me living the reaction as the old strength definition.



Wednesday, February 20, 2019

day 697 Separation Anxiety

Separation Anxiety
There is someone I am separate from right now and its causing this separation anxiety. A commonly used word to describe this thing. Now, I immediately see it relates to me being a child, getting lost, separate from my mom in particular, and that fear of never seeing my mom again, and somehow being lost forever, whether that's due to being kidnapped, murdered, or dying accidentally while I am lost. I have had that moment as a kid where I am wandering in the supermarket and I try to find my mom, and have that thought and anxiety of never seeing her again, and then my heart starts racing, I start believing it, and I get scared and I start to frantically check all the aisles. Another was a memory at a carnival amusement park. Same thing.

So this is something physical. Its in my body. I can feel it sitting here in my body as me as my body. These memories and these reactions are here in my body as me. The emotions, the energies, the experiences are sitting here as me. And so this separation anxiety I am experiencing now as an adult is rooted in these past moments, just unleashed after years of waiting. Here it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear never seeing this person again, and want to frantically go find this person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to die or the other person dying before finding them, seeing them again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be anxious, scared, nervous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having control of my life, my destiny, my future, and being limited, being powerless, and unable to change things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for being powerless, for not being strong, for not being able to change things, for not being able to make things different, right or better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being weak, fear being limited, fear being not strong enough, unable, incapable, not almighty.

I realize I only have so much power, and so much I can do and learn to do, and become stronger to do.

I realize my FEAR is what is keeping this in place, and that the solution isn't to wish I was stronger or focus on becoming stronger to manage my fears, but to actually just let go of the fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on becoming stronger and more powerful as a solution to my anxiety and fears of the future, instead of just letting go of the fears and anxiety directly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing my fears and letting them go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing this person, to fear losing people, to fear losing people I love, people I know, people in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing groups, and results in reality, land, things, money, power.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach fear with strength instead of just gentleness, care, femininity and just letting go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my plans not working out, to fear things not going out how I want, to fear things falling part, collapsing.

I accept and embrace what is here as it is.

My Strength is my ability to accept and embrace what is here.

I accept and embrace the fact that I'm separate in physical locations from this person. And that is my strength. I realize I don't have all the power and ability now to go to this person. I realize that patience is key sometimes. I realize that planning and preparation is what I can do in the meantime while I wait for things to move together and align. I realize that having faith that things can work out is important. I realize I accepting and embracing the limit in what I can do will make me much happier and relaxed. I embrace and accept what is here.

 So my redefinition of Strength is to accept and embrace what is here.
So with that starting point of strength as embracing, I can more readily and easily move me with ease, calm, and levelheadedness, to do what I can practically here and now.

I do find it difficult/non-natural to accept/embrace what is here as a starting point before moving/acting, especially in this context situation, where I just want to be frantically moving, in search of the person I'm separated from.

Thank you for reading my blog,
as a special note: Eqafe has launched Eqafe Unlimited, which allows you access to the entire library of Eqafe for a monthly subscription, just like Netflix. Its cheap and affordable. I have used eqafe to find and search for a point I had trouble with in process, such as anger, or fears. It always gave me that extra hint/clue to help me along in opening up a point in writing. Check it out! www.eqafe.com


Below I linked a Relevant Eqafe Interview on Anxiety/Fear:


In this Interview, a woman comes through sharing her process of how anxiety became fear and eventually petrification that she defined within the context of ‘Unpredictability’ – how unpredictability became a fear, and with human beings and this world being Unpredictable; how this Fear drove her into absolute separation and isolation and the consequences of this Fear on her human physical body.

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Day 696 A Lone Wolf No More



Being a Loner, a Lone Wolf,

I should be able to be ALONE, not need anyone. I should be able to exist within ANYONE.

That is where I should go, develop and be...

All of the above is a LIE...

Its a lie.

The true way of living is the a mix of independence and dependence.

Even more so, hold dear and deep to my heart those that bring out the best in me, those who bring me the most joy, the most expression, the most creativity, the most love, the most fun. And hold them to my heart, remember them, call them, talk to them, keep them in my EVERYDAY Life. Even though they are not physically present. I can't hold them or hug them. They are very far away. But they are more real to me, and bring out the best in me. No fact can change that fact.

Except me. Just me that can take that away. Just me that won't fight for it. And I have to fight for it. Its not automatic or natural. But if I fight for it, I get it, and it is better than anything. It is real.

I have to fight being a loner, I have to change. I have to change being a Lone Wolf. I have to eradicate this idea that to be my best self means being alone, means being able to be alone. I have to erase this idea, get rid of it. It has been my natural tendency and whole hearted belief that being alone is being strong, that being without connections makes me strong. That's a lie.

I am more stronger now, having these alive connections with these living people far far away, than ever before. A piece of my heart is for each person. Neither is more or greater than the other, but each is fulfilling and unique, yet the same. The same because what unites us is the process point, is the physicality point, is the awareness point. You can't fake that or replicate that anywhere. That cannot be replaced or simulated. That is what it is. So utterly unique and beautiful.

So that in my self, I am not alone. I have many people I am a part of, that is a part of my life. Though physically I am alone without them. In my self I am not alone, we are together. I am living my life with them, a part of my life, a part of my self. They are a part of me.

A new way to live the phrase, Alone yet Together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge being alone as good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge together as bad, as weakness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge being alone as Strong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge having someone here in the physical who supports me as process as me being weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as strong for not needing anyone in process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not admit that I need people, I need people who are walking process, I need to walk with people, socially, holding them here in my heart.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push such people away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be alone, to be a lone wolf, to handle things alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear holding people in my heart that make me better, that make me stronger, that make me laugh more, see more, do more, be more, be better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I love people more than I love my biological family, than that makes me bad, that that makes me a bad person, a bad son.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and compare, instead of understanding, understanding the differences, understanding who we are as people.

You can't fake real love. The real love, is when the people you are with, are all supportive, all taking responsibility for themselves, all are cool, where you can say and do things, you can make a mistake, that you can openly share a point, openly talk about the mind, talk about taking responsibility for all of yourself.... that is paradise, that is heaven on earth. And that is real love. And all of this done by people with awareness, they are creating themselves to be this way, it wasn't preprogrammed, it is real, original, here in the moment, and created from a LONG period of self-application.

You can't fake that.

You can't lie about, lie to yourself about its existence, deny it, suppress it. Feel shameful of it, feel guilty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty that I don't love my father or mother as much as I love these people, as much as I enjoy these people.

I realize that love isn't up to me, its whether you are open to it or not. Its whether you recognize it or deny it.

I can't pretend to love some one as much as I can with these people who are specific in who they are, who have created themselves willingly, who have awareness, who pushed through trials and tribulations, who took risks, who gave up parts of their ego, of their mind willingly.

Why should love be a decision or an obligation, why can't it be what it is? True love, real love for someone. You love someone for who they are. Not because they are your son or daughter, or gave you this or that.

You can't fake that.

You either deny it or embrace it and live it openly.

This love is unlike any other. It is equally for each of these person's. It is not sexual or romantic at all. It Burns in my chest, it is passionate. It binds me to them across all distance. It is patient and it is kind. And it is for these specific people, flesh and blood. Its not an idea. And it is not Me ALONE.

This specific love cannot be me Alone. I'm sure there is another specific love just for me. But this one here is not me alone, it is for them. I love the space that is created with, i love the expressions and creativity that is possible in real time interactions with them. I love the absolute complete support with them and the respect of myself as an individual that I receive.

You can't fake that. You can't buy that.  You can only give yourself that through walking your process.

And then you have to be open to that, to receive that, to live that, which is what I'm busy working on now.

Day 695 Remembering where my Heart lies





The value of a Friend.

The value of someone who sees into the same depths as you, that very few can.

The depths of this reality

The depths of the Self.

The depths of all the selves

The depths of all life

The depth of what it means to be alive

The depth of what it means to really live.

The power of the self

The beauty of the self

The creativity of the self

The potential of the self

The potential of all life

The specificity of all of this, in written and spoken word, shared and lived in the moment, in the physical flesh, here to be heard with your own ears spoken from the lips of a body. Real. Here.

Not a memory, not an image, not a past... here and real.

There are many levels and variation of Friendship... but this kind of friendship is most special, most important. It is a friendship bound by this process, by the very Life itself, the very physical itself, with the understanding and manifestation of LIFE here in the flesh.

In full awareness, in the full awareness of this process we are walking. In such rich specificity, and such real results.

The Living Word.

We can create a new world together.

We are the new world.

My heart is divided into pieces, one for each such person. And together they make my heart whole.

Saturday, February 9, 2019

Day 694 Doing what's best for myself

Judging myself for doing what's best for myself. Judging myself as bad, not good. Feeling stressed about it. I'm in a possession, so just going to do self-forgiveness unconditionally to start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad for doing what's best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed about doing what's best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for doing what's best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself what is best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel burdened by doing what's best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and beLIEve that I am not allowed to do what's best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist doing what is best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel drained of energy when it comes to doing what's for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel completely unmotivated to do what is best for me in this moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I cannot do what is best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I shouldn't do what is best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself judge myself and others for being bad when doing what's best for ourselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself and from others through judging myself and others as bad when we do what's best for ourselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when I am doing things that disrupt other people's lives, that is a surprise to others, an inconvenience to others, that breaks my promises to others, even though it is best for me, it best course of action for me, for my entire life, for my fruition, for my health, for my ability to do what's best for all practically in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed when I do what is best for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed when I do what is best for myself, and that doing is something "bad."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed when doing something bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel physically stressed, burdened, overwhelmed, too tired, when doing something that is best for me, and that I have been judging as a bad thing to do, or at least not a good thing.

THE GOOD

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need something good in my life, as something calls me good, like being a good son, or good employee, or a good person, that I need something that I do that makes feel GOOD, like helping people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad, when I do something that disrupts other people's lives, that will make them hate, that will create a bad relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I cannot Morally do this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I cannot do this.

I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to FEAR giving up and ending points in my life that have given me a Good Definition of myself, a Good Image of myself like being a good employee, like being a Good Son, like being a good person that helps people, someone that never lies, someone that never cheats, someone that never is late, never breaks any promises.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear being bad.


Sometimes its needed to lie, to cheat, to break promises in order to do what is best for me.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view and judge lying, cheating and breaking promises as BAD, instead of looking at the reasons why someone does it. Are they doing it as what is best for me them? Are they doing to get energy? Are they doing it in way that's not best for them, that is abusive to themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny doing what's best for me especially in the ways and moments that I judge previously as bad morally, like lying, cheating, breaking promises, and stealing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist letting people down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist being direct with people and tell them I'm not interested.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear hurting people's feelings, to fear making people cry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear causing people to get angry with me, and try to deny that I had anything to do with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living me, being me, and being what is best for me, and causing all sorts and shapes of reactions and triggers from people, whether its anger, crying, yelling, hate or spite.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear of what other's reactions will be to me, to me living my best no matter what, me doing right by me, me helping myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear LOSING people that call me good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to WANT, NEED to be seen as good by people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on others telling me that I'm good, telling me I doing what is good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to people telling me that I'm bad, that what I'm doing is bad, is a bad idea, won't work, and I shouldn't do it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just shut up all the noises, voices, and opinions, and just look directly at mine, at my vision, my ability to see directly the situation, directly the path before me, and stick to that path, relying my self-honesty, self-responsibility, and just work what's here as it arises in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to Let GOOD and BAD rule me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as Good and Bad.


Thank you for reading my blog,
as a special note: Eqafe has launched Eqafe Unlimited, which allows you access to the entire library of Eqafe for a monthly subscription, just like Netflix. Its cheap and affordable. I have used eqafe to find and search for a point I had trouble with in process, such as anger, or fears. It always gave me that extra hint/clue to help me along in opening up a point in writing. Check it out! www.eqafe.com


Below I linked a Relevant Eqafe Interview on Morality: 


https://eqafe.com/p/how-information-processing-disempowers-reptilians-part-221

How did the Creators design humans’ relationship to information so that we are more likely to become emotionally reactive to information as opposed to practically assessing the information?
How do our emotional reactions to learning new information then get transformed into morality judgements of “right and wrong”/”good and bad”?
How do our morality reactions as “good” as feelings and “bad” as emotions disempower us from working with information effectively?

Saturday, February 2, 2019

Day 693 The Most Positive Message that Exists

I was considering titling this Desteni, the most positive message that exists...

The thing is that Desteni won't always exist. Desteni is  group of people with a purpose. And the message of Desteni is aligned with the heart/spirit of existence of life itself.

This heart of life goes beyond anything you can conceive of or think about.

It doesn't belong to anyone alone. It isn't contained within just the Desteni group. Desteni is the vehicle in which this message can come into creation, be aligned with the beings of this physical reality.

And this heart of life, the very nature and essence of life, more beautiful and more perfect than anything, yet its found everywhere, embedded everywhere, yet not being lived by the beings.

Life is not bound by the polarity of good and evil, right and wrong. It is not positive or negative.

One way to put it is that the heart, spirit or essence of life is beyond the definitions of positivity currently lived in this world. Too many people abuse life in the name of positivity, of a good life.

What would it practicality mean to live LOVE in this reality? To be Love? Wouldn't it entail making sure everyone has food? That everyone is cared for, nurtured, raised to their highest potential? Is that not what real love what do? But who does that? Do you do that? Are you committed to that? What is your excuse?

If you really wanted to BE and LIVE positivity, to be and live being GOOD, being a GOOD PERSON, than you would be willing to sacrifice all excuses, all justifications about why you aren't doing ALL you can do. You would be willing to End the lies of energy, the vampiric torture of your body as energy, feeding off of it, creating a personal high that you call love, and happiness and positivity... SHAMING the real nature of what GOOD is, tainting it, confusing it... all done for a high.

You're just a drug addict, drunk on your own rape of your own body for energy. Why do you think rape still exists in this world?

The Most Positive Message that exists is the one that Includes everyone, without exception. Includes the well-being, the making sure everyone is challenged to the point of growth and expansion until they stand as their highest potential.

Any message that is based on having a good time only, just fucking around, just seeking a fun time only, is not ONE that existence can exist on. You do see that don't you? If you don't, then open your goddam eyes. See how your world system is built on the the daily raping and bleeding of people too deep in poverty to fight back, too crippled, too starved to say no. It is built on the annihilation of the natural world, the robbery and consumption of the very source and stability for Billions of life forms on this planet. This will end one way or another.

The blood is on all of our hands equally.

This is the most positive message that exists. Its true. Its undeniable. You cannot deny the truth.

Do you know what its like to live purpose? Do you know what's its like to be on the TEAM of Life? To actually have your shit together, to actually have things you have to do, things you got to change, ways to improve yourself, and a way to actually make REAL LASTING CHANGE in this reality?

How many people just die, never living TRUTH, never facing the REALITY of this reality. How many people NEVER even have the CHANCE that you have now, to actually Live a Real and FULL life, with a way to leave on impact on the course of the entire existence. It is really a gift that you have here with Desteni.

Do you know what's its like to have real love in your heart? a real smile? One that is not because of any person, or because of what someone said or did. Have you ever had a love or smile in your heart because of YOU, what you see with YOU actually Living and Changing. When you CARE for existence, that is something NO ONE can take away from you. No one can FORCE YOU to stop caring. It is completely done and maintained by you!

If you fucking want to be Positive, then BE IT, live it PRACTICALLY, don't lecture me or lie to me pretending that beautiful words, and a smile is all it takes to change this world. It doesn't. To really change this world takes real change, real honesty, real facing the shit and actually changing. Real courage, real depth, real willingness to sacrifice all your fears and excuses so that you can transcend all that to become something greater than what you were. You can do it, its all within you. You don't have to be a certain person, anyone can do it. You don't have to be someone special. Anyone can do it. You can do it.

Feelings and Emotions don't change the world, they keep it exactly in place, where its always been. That's why they exist, they are the polarities, they are the anchors, they are the neverending battle between good and evil, while the lives of billions are tossed around like poker chips paying for the costing, and facing the brunt of it. 

 Who else besides people in desteni Stick their necks out with such courage and speak the truth that has been suppressed so long? The problem in this reality is what you are accepting and allowing within you. Your Thoughts. Your Emotions. Your Feelings. The very points that are not questioned by any one. The very fabric and nature of who you are. The very point you will defend and safeguard at all costs, including the peril of this existence. They are your captors, and you are their slaves. You are in love with your own greatest limitation, your greatest point of weakness, of powerlessness, of servitude, LOCKED away in your cage of your mind, too scared to question the purpose of it.

Why don't you just prove to yourself you don't need any of that of the mind to live? It just takes a moment. It would be one moment that would change your life forever. You don't need your mind telling you what to do, or your emotions/feelings to GUIDE YOU, or give you reason/purpose of existing. Prove to yourself that you can BE your best self through your direction in the moment.

www.desteni.org