Yogan's Journey to Life

Being Alone There is a system within me that 5 parts to it. Each part relates to this Trauma of being Alone growing up, being alone as who I am, being alone as my story, being alone as my past, the physical behaviors and ways I act out due to this Trauma of being alone. The 5 parts of the system are: 1.      Feeling/Thinking my life is meaningless and purposeless. This is very well captured by the end of the Bohemian Rhapsody song “Nothing really matters, anyone can see, nothing really matters, nothing really matters to meee…. Any way the wind blows….” These have been constant and consistent backchats in my recent days going back to several years. Where I would try to stop it and stand up from it, though never really ending it or changing it. But I did use this as a starting point to write out my purpose to become a data scientist and use that money to create my life and support the life of others. So I didn’t let it stop me, I worked with it however w...

Remembering my life and who I have been. I have been many different persons. I once was a person very much in love and obsessed with one person. I remember all the love and pain I felt. I was in so much emotional pain. Remembering the emotional pain I felt, it feels like no physical pain would mean anything in comparison to that. This is my evidence that love is the real evil. I once had the relationship I wanted. I had lots of sex. I felt close, intimate. Then I found out the person was someone who was not committed to me. I realized that I made a mistake. I realize I needed to change. That is when I started Desteni. I was ready. I remember being like 7 years old and sad. I remember being happy in regular class, and when I moved to gifted class everything changed. the kids in regular class were friendly and sociable. The kids in gifted class were super serious and intimidating. It was like being in military school, or where everyone was a robot. I remember feeling just weird, ...

Getting my hair cut. So today I got my hair cut. I have had a pretty strong reaction towards haircuts, entering into a mini possession, of fear and anxiety. So today I faced this reaction and was able to calm myself down, and focus on what I could practically do in the moment. Part of the thoughts behind this anxiety is about getting a bad haircut, and also the point of no return, meaning when my hair is cut then it is cut, its too late. I have a particular childhood memory where I ended up crying after a haircut that I didn't want to have. So, this time, I looked at what I could do. I knew I couldn't really do much. I can only speak to my hair cut person, to let them know what I wanted. I didn't have control over them, and how they were going to act upon my information I am conveying to them. So there was an element of trust, and letting go of control. At the same time of course, I could check and see whether I liked the progress thus far, and of course completely stop ...

Crying, mourning loss Feeling sad that some people are gone/out of my life. I didn’t force them out, they chose to leave. I realize I don’t have any control to keep anyone. It’s a deep resonance, almost or on the edge of possession. I imagined having   a conversation with one of them telling her that “I miss her if that means anything to you.” So I'm calling this the missing persons character, which I can see being activated if someone close to me were to die, I would have imagined conversation with them. I experience this emotion as regret. I wished I could have told them something or did something that would have kept them here.   I notice I feel like crying and I rest my head on my hand. I notice too how I was almost possessed to call the friends who I haven’t talked to in a long time, to see if I can bring them into my life again, so as to not lose them. When I reactive the energy experience, it is sorrow. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ...