Yogan's Journey to Life

Presents, Christmas Eve. I feel sad, depressed, tired. Imagination of people getting angry with me. I feel a pain, emotional pain. And I feel a movement of crying within me. It seems silly to me that we give presents. Because within me, I have felt sad when I don’t receive a present and someone else did. I feel like that said something about my value/worth as a human being or person. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value and worth to myself dependent upon what presents I did receive, or did not receive because others had received a present. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself highly when I receive a present, which I believe/perceive is of high value, that someone else didn’t receive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself lowly when I don’t receive a present, which I believe/perceive to be of high value, because someone else received it. I forgive myself for acc...

I wanted to continue with part 2 of resisting M, however what I experience is not resistance, as how I have defined it. A closer word would be a reaction, and more specifically a kind of sad emotion. This is a bit perplexing, but it is here. I don't see any logical reason, at least with the information I have at present to feel sad when thinking about M. But the mind is layered, and this is the next layer. In my body it does feel deeper. I perceive this as a remorse or regret for the previous layer, all the anger, hatred, desire to win and be on top. So a remorse and regret for who I was, what I did, and how I treated existence. I remind myself that I can't change the past. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a ruthless  son of a bitch that only cared about himself and his life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take this existence, my home, in care, respect, and appreciation, by physically and by action taking care of it, show...