Yogan's Journey to Life

I choose to face my fear of being alone, which means that I must put myself into those situations that I fear. This means having the conversations I fear, saying the things I know is best for all, yet I fear it will lead others to leave me alone. So I choose what is best for all over being alone. I choose what is best for all over company. I choose what is best for all over friendship. I choose what is best for all over family. I choose what is best for all over everything/anything. Because if the people in your life can't stand you with you speak/stand by what is best for all, then they are not best for you/all. So no more waiting, no more hiding, no more fearing. Now its time to stand absolutely. Now its time to recognize the Life within me, and the oneness and equality of the Living word and spoken word. Now is the time to be unoriginal, a clone, predictable, because oneness and equality will have only one outcome. Choice becomes irrelevant. Time for the next p...

From my past relationships with women... I am afraid of saying or doing something in the heat of the moment and regretting it… I am afraid of doing or saying something I can’t take back… ...I accept the worst of me and the worst that I can do. I accept that it can happen. I accept that it can happen that I do say something that makes the relationships irreparable, that ends it, I can that accept that I can be saying right now as I caught myself saying it. I can accept that I just said/done such a thing.I can accept that I just lived the worst of me. I can accept what is happening right now. I can forgive myself for doing that. I can forgive myself even though there is a consequence that no self-forgiveness or self-change can undo. I can forgive myself even though the consequence is permanent. I can forgive myself wholly/fully. I forgive myself not for the purpose of undoing consequence, but because I did that, I created that consequence, and I accept that...

Yesterday's blog: https://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2019/01/day-690-about-being-alone-as-trauma.html So first an update. Things have been pretty quiet in my mind. Like I have the moments where the thoughts and experience would come up, and they start to creep in, but then I remember and am applying my application in the moment to change with understanding. And so I change it, I stop the thought, mind chatter. Negative backchat. Feeling Nervous or Anxious in relation to conversations/messages. I remember the point that its connected to this Trauma of Being Alone, the pain, the agony, the self-hatred, the torture. and voila! done. And just the eerie quietness of the moment, of being alone. That is eerie because its been so long, so not my normal. If it wasn't obvious, within this system, I have been living my life, I have been pushing in every such way for expansion and growth in every dimension and way I understood thus far. I have been accepting every challenging, emb...

Realigning Guilt. SO what is interesting that I have observed today is how when I feel guilty, I enter into it completely without question. This means that I feel guilty, and accept the experience, when I do not even know whether I did something or I am doing something that I am feeling guilty for. It is like that when i feel guilty I already accept and believe that I did do that thing, even though I don't know for sure with confidence that I did. So guilt is misaligned within me. With all honesty I can see that I don't know whether I did this thing that I feel guilty for. Yet I feel guilty all the same and I believe and act like I did do this thing. Why is this? This is the result of trusting my feeling and following my intuition as a feeling, as a trust for my feeling to have some knowledge or access or awareness outside and above/greater than what is here available to my awareness. Like with tarot card readings, higher guides, psychics, divine beings, spiritually conne...

So today I looked the Anxiety Energy, and I found the design to composed of Aggression as a response to the Anxiety Energy, and to be directed towards the trigger for the Anxiety Energy. The Anxiety Energy is distinct from the Nervous Energy, which I wrote about yesterday http://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/04/i-have-been-living-to-meet-others.html What triggers my Anxiety Energy is something I fear, like something that could happen or might happen. If I am not allowed to enter into Aggression, my other response is Depression. Aggression is like a rising up of the Anxiety Energy, focusing primarily on my arms, chest and head region. Depression is a movement of the Anxiety Energy, down. This is my self-forgiveness and what I realized, and so my commitment: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight physically and with aggression towards people who had spoke or shared something with me that frightened me. When and as I see myself feeli...

Image: Beauty, women, I had trouble looking at the woman that lived in the apartment. She was young. And I found her attractive, and by that I mean that I reacted to her. I felt nervous, shy, scared but in a desirable way. I wanted to look at her, but I felt these emotions. I don’t even know her. I felt intimidated by her appearance. I felt valued/judged by how she would have responded to me. I feel like she would have placed value in how I valued/judged her appearance. I didn’t speak to her, and I looked away, avoiding eye contact. So what I am seeing is that I am having a large value placed in how she looked, and with that I would place value on myself based on how she looked at me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value in how a woman looks, and to place value on how she looked at me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous, shy and scared when there is a woman that I am valuing highly, like with beauty, re...

Reading over my last post I identified a charge. People looking at me. I think they are judging me. I think what they could be thinking of me. I get worried, scared. I think I am dumb. I think I am ugly. I think I am a wierdo. I think I am nothing. I think I cannot do anything. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the words "I am dumb" with nervousness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "I am dumb" come up in response to when people are looking at me.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "I am dumb" within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the words "I am ugly" with fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the words "I am ugly" with nervousness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "I am ugly" come up in response to when people are looking at me.  I forgive myself...

--> I was walking to the cashier line. A young woman was in line waiting to pay for her food. She was looking at me. I looked back. For a moment we looked at each other. She then turned away. I built the expectation that she was now interested in me, because I showed interest in her. So I expected that she might look at me again. She was finishing paying her things, meaning that she would soon leave. I kept my face away, so as to not appear to be looking. I was looking out of the corner of my eye. I did not see anything that indicated that she looked. I felt nervous. I see a fear of loss, of trying to get a relationship and it not working out, and I am there standing alone looking like a loser.. A picture of myself looking sad standing in a dark space, I look moppy. A song places “Im a freak, Im a weirdo…” I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that because the young woman was looking at me, that must mean she was interested in me. I forgive ...