Yogan's Journey to Life

 I have been working on the Positive/Negative Energies, surrounding Optimism and rose colored glasses. I suspect the following: that my lazy eye is due to the preprogramming of viewing the world and everything through extreme optimism and hope, as they say viewing the world through rose colored glasses. I used an astrology website https://www.zodiacsign.com/ to see the levels of preprogramming that exists within me. This lead me to the term of rose colored glasses, as it had indicated that as a weakness. And when I looked at my entire life, I indeed have viewed the world that way.  In my teenage years, I would delve into memories like a drug, and I would delve into Love as a drug. The first time I ever saw porn was around 13 years old. And when I looked at the kind of dreams I had as a child, I was preprogrammed to chase love. When I looked at my previous post on Love, it ties with sex is true. It drives the birthing of children. All done within a possessed state. All done wit...

 I had taken in 2 cats in their early stage of life, 1 year ago. During this time I was able to witness how they act during heat. In heat the act becomes possessed. In heat means their sexual programming is activated. Their personality becomes taken over. The body become possessed. They lose themselves essentially. I did have them fix shortly after, for those worried about that. Now, this behavior is the same with humans. Except we are not aware of to what extent it exists. Its easier watching others go through it, to tell that something happened.  Looking at my case, One thing specifically I went through is falling in Love. What does that mean exactly? Comparing this to a simple desire for sex, which many men and women have, where they act on it, find someone at a party, sleep with them and leave feeling fulfilled. What I am discussing is different than that. Falling in Love, is where I become mentally obsessed with someone. Thinking about them, imagining conversations with t...

Bernard once asked to keep writing my blogs since they are quite effective and that he likes something to read.  I am finding that I am getting angry again. Angry in a way that I want to write, I want to make videos, I want to say what needs to be said to resonate in the world on our responsibility, what needs to be done, and what is best for all.  I looked in my last 2 posts into Love, and how it was said that Love was used to pacify or cancel out the thoughts of revolution in USA. And inside my body it feels that way. Where I can feel pacified and not wanting to do anything once love gets in me. Which is a strong contrast to this anger.  I would call this anger passion. And I would be worried about whether it was real or not. And that is what I told Bernard, and he said to keep writing, and that I would get it in years time. I am not sure yet. But I am sure that being pacified, being content and relax and not doing anything will only lead to things getting worse, never ...

 I had the expectation from Life, from just existence itself, that I would get in the future, my partner. And I expected this because I desired love. And like a child throwing a tantrum, I withdrew from life when I didn't get the love I desired. Where my motivation for a career as a statistician was the money that I believed I needed to attain love. Because I saw myself having my career and money, and thus being able to attract someone cause of it. I have no doubt that its possible because of the nature of man, everyone wants love, and money is a good bonus.  Within withdrawing from life, from trying, I have found myself without motivation. Within believing no way can I get love from another. For this outcome I am grateful. For it would have been far worse if I had gotten the love I desired.  Its amazing how much love rules us all. The desirability of love. And how we choose love over life any day of the week.  I know real integrity would choose life over love. I kno...

 Love.  I know there is a place that I just wont go. And when I try to go, I shutdown. All the motivation and hoopla that I muster in order to get me there, just fades away. Just drops, I drop. And then I can't move an inch anymore, and I drag myself back to the things to pass the time, until I try again.  There's a really cool series of videos did, where essentially bernard was explaining the basic resonance pattern that every human is living, which is love. And he shows how every single person will inevitable choose love over everything else. Unless of course that resonance, that impulse is changed in ourselves, so we no longer feed, or go after that love. Love is the reason the hippies failed. That revolutions today fail because love has been stuffed in our faces in every way. link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GQKiYTroY0 So looking at me, I can see how thats the case. How in being this revolutionary radical this past decade, has been put to a fizzle due to love. Th...

  Sexual Conceptions. Thoughts. Beliefs, Ideas. Images. Imagination. Fantasy. Pleasure. None of that is real and none of that matters.  Its a whiff of smoke. Cause the real stuff is the actual people. And when its just a fantasy, there are no other people. They are literal make believe. And when its Porn, its literally acting. And you are not there.  You are here, and what is real is what is here. So your partner, your relationships, that is what is here.  What makes me truly happy is being able to communicate anything with someone. That level of trust and respect is amazing. And that is something you can't fuck with, pun intended.  Friendship is the basis of all relationships. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to glorify sex, and orgasm. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place on the pedestal the idea of the attractive partner that stimulates me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place flirtation and sex ...

  Death is quite the topic to look at. I think its because of the mystery of it. We don't really know for sure what will happen when we die. I mean you can have beliefs about it. You can even listen to what others say about it. But all of those are still words or belief. To actually go through it... Its like the first time being in love in a relationship, or having sex, or your first breakup. You don't know until you really go through it.  I see death as being something very important. It serves a very good purpose. Because in order for new life to arrive, other life must leave. That way it maintains a balance and prevents overpopulation. It is also important because it does put an end to things. And having that expiration also makes us care more and gives more value to our actions. It also gives others the chance after we fail for example. 100 years from now there will be new people here. Completely new. And I like that. I like that is how the Earth is.  It also means a ...

Time to Recreate myself again. I see now that I have been developing and participating a desire to have someone else like me around. Someone that I can talk to in depth and detail about the mind, about all the details. all the dimensions, all the aspects and observations as if it was a fascinating scientific pursuit or study. To be able to share and make cross-referencing with that person regarding any and all dimensions of the mind/body and our experience. To discuss the techniques and methods used, as well as describe the mind system, treating them as universal things to study/catalogue and so share and discuss as something mutual and applicable to all of us. SO I was developing that desire. And desire means energy. Desire are system. All desires are system as long as they operate within energy. Its possible to make a decision about what you want or go after it, all without energy within it or behind it. That is not what I was doing in this case. I had a life long desire, that sp...

What I am in the process of doing is Giving up all Hope and then Placing Self-Trust Here. Specifically I am giving up the hope that anyone or everyone will make it in their process, will actually learn, grow or change. Even more specifically its the hope for real connections with people, since a real connection would require that person be real (me too of course), where there is that depth. I am giving up all hope that anyone will be real. And what I am doing is placing my self-trust here in me, in what I can do, create, and move in this physical reality. And what I am also doing is that I am going to do all of this Life Creation, and Self-Creation, and World System Creation in the Name of all of those who I basically loved or hoped for to make it, which is everyone really. So I do all of this in the Name of Everyone, in the Name of everyone's potential, even if in reality no one makes it, and all will Fall. Because me doing it, me Living it, Me being the Creation, being the ...

So my relationship with myself is one of the most purest of things that can exist because with myself there is the clarity of knowing exactly what I mean, and so not have miscommunication with me, and complete honesty is possible. No need to worry about bias or the right words, or considering/interpreting another. With me that is the one relationship that I can be really honest, and really get me, and really communicate without all that bias, interpretation, judgment, reaction or distraction. I can have a realationship with myself where simply by saying 'myself', that I have comfort and I see myself here and I hold myself, where I stand with me, I support me until the end of eternity. This is the one relationship in my life that I can depend on that won't have the judgment or misinterpretation, or leave me. Where when I speak with myself or as myself I am not thinking about how other people are going to interpret it, I don't have to wash it out or change what I sa...

When someone you Love is Angry at you. I think this may be actually my greatest weakness. I see it being a point of great weakness because there are two parts. The first part is the fact is that it is someone who I love, or in other words have a connection with. And the 2nd part is them being angry at me. Either part alone is a point of challenge/force. So together they make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Because the point becomes: I am causing them to be angry, and I am responsible for their anger. And I feel blame/responsibility and I am afraid of losing them. The truth, the truth of desteni, the truth of Life is that no one is responsible for how anyone else feels. No one. And not with anyone. You are not responsible for how other people feel. This includes anger. And this includes people you have a connection to. You are responsible for how you Feel. So on a physical level I am afraid, I am swallowing in my throat that I am so afraid. I am physically possessed in fear...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of being soft and gentle. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear connecting with other people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear connecting with someone who got angry in a moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate people who get angry. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry at a person when they reacted and they were angry and taking it out on me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger when someone feels insecure and is getting angry and is blaming me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not instead become soft, become gentle, and become supportive when someone is reacting with anger within insecurity and is blaming me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up when someone is reacting within anger and insecurity, and so give into my own anger...

Self-forgiveness I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad and depressed over losing a friend I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hopeful that they will return one day I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry that they blamed me I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for them leaving I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tired I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about them I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be free of my reactions about them no matter the cost I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and expect all relationships with people will end in the same way as them I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hopeless and depressed that I couldn't do or say anything to keep someone from leaving I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be inadequate and blame m...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to procreate I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be willing to compromise who I am, my integrity and principles for a wife/woman partner I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be willing to suppress myself, my voice, the voice of what is best for all, to hide anything that can be judged as aggressive or distasteful in my words, in my blog and vlogs, in order to appease what I believe women would want. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to conform to this idea of what I think a woman wants: a man who is masculine but not threatening, intelligent but not condescending, strong but not aggressive, is interested in the woman but not intrusive, is attracted to the woman's appearance but is not shallow, is soft, gentle and kind, but not feminine, is submissive to the woman, but still confident. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it cou...

 People people will hurt you, cut you, punch you, make you cry, steal from you, make of you... make you laugh, cry with joy and love, sing, dance, play around, become goofy, explore different parts of yourself, smile and feel overjoyed! I always knew when I would open up to people that it would get to me. That I would have this thing which seems like weakness. Its gonna suck. Its gonna hurt. And I know it. I am in uncharted territories, I mean there's no guidelines here or rules on how to be or what's best. I only have myself in this. Am I making a mistake with this? Do I know what I am doing? I don't know. But I think that's its okay that I don't. At the same time... at the same time it feels right. Its my unique way of relating to people and supporting people. Its my expression. I guess. God it sucks, it sucks so bad to be kicked, to be screwed with. But at the same time its so good to connect, to reach out and laugh and say something. So FUCKING good....

Love, love love. On NETFLIX I saw this movie when I was 16 or so. It was 2006 or so. I remember sharing it with a good friend. So this more sharing something deep and real. Can we all say that Love is confusing thing? At the same time though, can we all agree that there is a use of the word love, that when we live it with everyone, it becomes something different. To love everyone. I mean there is something there, isn't there? That's like the core of oneness and equality... Seeing everyone else as YOU. And wouldn't that be Loving everyone? True love would be what's best for all wouldn't it? Love, love, love. I mean, its not bad. Its not wrong. I mean someone REALLY committed to Love, would do so without the limitation of energy. In the movie you see some glimpses into the Hippie movement, into that time period. Into history. The Vietnam War. The protest. Death. The Anger, Violence. I mean, what I am doing is Love. To end the abusive patterns, to ...

This Blog is Almost like a Thought Experiment. It is Reflective, and you need to Read it all the way through because my Perspective Changes in real time. So make sure to read it all the way through, I end somewhere differently than where I started out in the beginning.  There is me as Yogan as my story as an individual... There is also me that is not Yogan, that takes on a grander perspective, grander vision, that includes many more perspectives at once, and strives for what is best for each perspective. When I live in this way of living from multiple perspectives or many perspectives... I become something different, I see things differently, I respond to situations differently. It is a point of greater understanding. Understanding more perspective on any given situation or moment. It is a point of living outside of my previous conceptions of my self of who I am, of Yogan. It is a point of just having a body and just relying on that fact that I am anchored here in r...

Creating a Relationship of LOVE.....  in order to get the SEX. Making a relationship with another human being on the premise of LOVE.... so that I can get to have Sex with them regularly. Convincing them that I love them and want a long term relationship with them...... so that I can have sex with them as the Reason why. The reason why I create a relationship with a person and tell its for Love, and that I love them.... is to make them agree to sex. I speak loving words to a person, and make them feel like I love them, because I want to have that physical sex, because sex feels meaningful, and it gives my life meaning. The truth of Sex is that it is meaningless entertainment. Sex has no meaning. Sex is meaningless. There is no meaning in sex. Sex is only temporary entertainment. Sex does not deepen a bond between person. Sex does not make one reach higher planes of consciousness. Sex does not make a relationship stronger or work. Sex does not bring two people together....

 Okay Im going to be laying out a System Design of mine, so read carefully. When I was 18, I already developed this system of Love where I can access that energy of Love whenever I wanted. It would be brought here literally in a moment. This speed and easy signifies that it was pre-programmed in my nature/design and that I practiced/accessed it heavily, across my life which I did. So the extent of this system is in the facts that I would spend a few moments/hours/days with a girl my age and then "fall in love" with her, which meant that 18 I said to these ladies that I will always love you, I love spending time with you, I will always be there for you, and its not only what I said, it was my presence. I oozed love at them. They knew that I loved them, even though I only met them, spent very little time with them. So in this way I initiated all of my relationships. I was the one who created the point. I manifested the relationship, even though at times it was the ladies who ...