Yogan's Journey to Life

 People people will hurt you, cut you, punch you, make you cry, steal from you, make of you... make you laugh, cry with joy and love, sing, dance, play around, become goofy, explore different parts of yourself, smile and feel overjoyed! I always knew when I would open up to people that it would get to me. That I would have this thing which seems like weakness. Its gonna suck. Its gonna hurt. And I know it. I am in uncharted territories, I mean there's no guidelines here or rules on how to be or what's best. I only have myself in this. Am I making a mistake with this? Do I know what I am doing? I don't know. But I think that's its okay that I don't. At the same time... at the same time it feels right. Its my unique way of relating to people and supporting people. Its my expression. I guess. God it sucks, it sucks so bad to be kicked, to be screwed with. But at the same time its so good to connect, to reach out and laugh and say something. So FUCKING good....

 This is blog post is from my personal writings, unedited. I go through the point as it naturally opens up in me. One point leads to the next naturally. I start with what I know, SF on the energy experience:  Shame I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shameful I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with being a burden to my friends I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with making all of these mistakes across my life I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with making all of these consequences across my life I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with not knowing what to do. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with not knowing where to go I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with being lost I forgive myself for accepti...

The book called the Little Prince... I learned that love is simple. Its simple because I did it as a child. Very simple. I loved my toys. I loved my toys because I spent time with them, I paid attention to them, I interacted with them, I was here with them. I spent TIME with them, I had MOMENTS with them, as memories of experiences. I can remember them and recall them, and I cared for them. When I lost them, I was distraught. I missed them. I can remember them with fondness, with love in me. Only the children know what they are looking for," said the little prince. "They waste their time over a rag doll and it becomes very important to them; and if anybody takes it away from them, they cry..."   "They are lucky," the switchman said"       I'm very sure I understand what love is now. While reading this book, I'm pretty sure I can see it. I see it my past. I can see the moments and the people with who I actually loved and those who ...

In town, in a school, there was an art class. A girl in the class made an art piece. People in her life didn't like the art piece. The girl liked her art, so to her, that's all that mattered. She didn't cry or worry that people in her life didn't like her art piece. She didn't feel badly about herself that her art piece wasn't liked by others. She didn't think about whether the next art would be liked by others. She simply made her art, and she liked it. Why is she like this? She knows it is a waste of time to feel bad about what others think or say about her art. Her art is her creation so its her responsibility. Why would she feel bad about herself think that she is less, or her art is less? Art is art. And she is herself. She is not someone else's thought. And her thoughts are her own, and why would she accept any thought that her art pieces is horrible, when she likes it? There doesn't appear to be a good reason. In art class she is graded. S...

This is about you. (no question mark) What is interesting is that everything is always about you. What you think, what you feel, what you see, your reactions, your movements, is you. Its about you. What you see on tv, the wars, the movies, the starvation, death, murders, stories, animal abuse, rapes, poverty, wealth, inequality,  its always about you. What you see is you. And if you close your eyes, the darkness you see is also you. When you run away, its you. When you hide its you. When you cry or complain its you. When you stand up and stop, its you. When you change its you. So no matter what, this existence is you, and every moment you are yourself.

So within myself, I always desired to fit in, however I was not willing to compromise myself. I wanted others to be more like me, OR that they accept me. Investigating this point of acceptance further, I saw that I wanted unconditional acceptance because I thought I was already good and in some sense perfect. However unconditionally accepting anything, could mean accepting bullshit. SO that's where I am grateful for self-honesty, which is like the ability to see bullshit. Anyway, so wanting people to accept me, WITHOUT me knowing who I am, allows for the possibility for accepting abuse, which is unacceptable. So the responsible thing would be to investigate who I am. So rereading what I wrote, I would say that by compromise I mean not having to change myself. And also I see that this whole point is ego, because there is not a single description of something of value, because its all about others accepting me, for what?????? Exactly, so looking inside there is only Energy as a rea...

When I was in the first year of highschool, towards the end, my mom had visited an astrologer to see about what would be best for me. She went on some day magical, like 5/5/05 which both her and I took as a sign of the value of the following, that I should change schools to a Jesuit College Preparatory school. When I heard the news, I thought it was like divine plan. I felt sad inside because there was this girl I liked and known for a couple years that went to the school I was in. I had however in my desperato fashion, saw leaving as good and necessary and I made a positive or unemotional façade about leaving. Her and I had not been talking in a while, and all of a sudden in our English class she hugged me while we were standing. I did not hugged her back thinking to myself I can’t hug her or I would cry. I very much lived in a life of emotions. I never wanted to appear or look emotional so is my pattern of mind. I wanted to be courageous, not fearful, ever. I ...