Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Life Story of a Would-be Guru

Law, follow the law character, fear the law, fear breaking the law, fear making money, fear being independent, follow gods law, follow the rules, live karmically well, live what is good, avoid bad or you will be punished, do what is good only.

Don't eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. 

Always living according to what is morally right, losing all self-direction. That is my life in a sentence. Now I am starting to live my principle, what is best for all, however my eyes are tainted by the law of good and evil, or shall I say glasses. Feeling good within following the law, feeling as all is in peace or alignment because I am following the law, the law of God, what is right or just or good. The seed or soil where righteousness is born, or brought forth. The law. Punishment, retribution, delivery of reward and rewarding justice.

I was destined to be a Guru. There is not a doubt about that. A guru follows the law. There is karmic law and spiritual law, and the law of God. A guru also does not question the money system, he or she actually supports it, and gets everyone else to keep participating within the money system. A guru will amass many followers, who spend endless hours devoting to him or her. A guru is like a police to make sure the system stays in place, and to also trap those who might wish to find an answer to the system, by providing an answer that is filled with both truth and lies, so as to give disinformation, and mislead the person. I know, because I have actually done this and practiced this. And the reasons for this is the same reason noted above, which is really pathetic when you look at it for what it is: to follow the law, the law of god, for god, to serve god. I would practice on what to say, to get people to do what I wanted to them to do, to align to the law of god, or what is morally or karmically correct. I used intimidation, a passive aggressiveness, inserting thoughts through words to create a self-judgment, or belief that the person is doing wrong or what is not right or not following the law of law of God. I was in a way like a mind police. I would police people in my life, and domain, to follow the one true path, the path of God. There wasn't a doubt in my mind, there was complete acceptance. I could say, from a limited point of view, still more aware of how things actually worked than those I policed. That was how I could police them. I understood, more or less, how to functionally work with thoughts, and manipulate the thought patterns of others through my words and actions. It was only conscious thoughts, or the surface thoughts, as I would use statements that others would take on for themselves, or to create an intended belief about themselves from what I said. And I would feel this energy, like asserting and punishing them, as if they did something wrong for breaking the law or rules of the institution, or social rules or board game rules. Everyone who broke the rules or law were acting in an evil manner, and evil was defined for me as someone who consistently acts evil. So they required to be rectified and brought back in alignment. This is a base program for me, which only now am I really facing in a significant capacity. I judge my father as evil because he consistently broke the law, and broke promises and agreements, even when he had valid excuses or reasons. I would not take those reasons or excuses into consideration. This is proof I was really a computing robot, not self-aware or able to work multi-dimensionally, or freely. I was bound to the law, and those who broke the law have to be charged, and so I would charge within myself and carry out the charge. This lead to a separate relationship with my Father. I would always try to change him, but I never could. I see this as one gift he has given me.

Living the way I did, life seemed simple, and the answer to everything was clear. I felt and believed sincerely or at least adamantly, that I had the answer to everything, and that if anyone were to give me a question about life, or how to live, I had the answer. And I literally felt it, that I had the answer. It felt like a security but also like a fear of losing it and needing to maybe defend it, and so attack others, if necessary. I also felt like I would be fighting for God, almost like a Crusader or Martyr. I felt holy and just in whatever I would need to do, because I was on the right side. This also lead to a resentment towards people, because I felt I was holy, and on the right side, and so pure, and so people should have adorned me, and followed me, especially when everyone else was breaking the law all the time, and were not just like me. I felt entitled to be loved and adorned, and this stuck to me my whole life, and this lead to a friction with everyone, and I only sought to rectify this by becoming a great teacher or guru and so show people my greatness, and exemplify it. This is essentially the path of generating followers. This is, or was, my original path to become a Guru, which of course changed. However the underlying system has been present this whole time.

I notice how the other day I suggested we create a system of rules for something, which is cool, however it was spoken from a point of necessity, like I can't function without a sort of rule, because I do not wish to break the rule, in case there is some secret underlying social rule I am unaware of. So its like a paranoia in respect to breaking rules. Also the exact same thing, with breaking the law, also a paranoia. As a child I also would like to the know the exact laws of the board game, and trusted them, and felt better when following them. I would also get upset if someone broke a rule in a game, or school rule. Also the general paranoia extends towards the punishment especially. There is a fear of evil inherent, and also existing a reliance or dependence, of some outside source of Good, or God. Within this obviously is a reliance on authority. Also fearing people that are completely free, that decide for themselves, who do not have the same morality or system as me. A fear connected to criminals, and evil-doers, and fear of being harmed or hurt, essentially dying. I before had judged this as control issues, but really, it is the fear that control is not in the hands of a one source, which in essence would be the actual rules or laws themselves. I notice that we human beings find comfort in having one law or system, governing us, that we can follow. So its almost like the fear of no longer having a set of rules or laws guiding and directing us, telling us what to do. The fear of being self-directed and self-responsible. From my observations, that fear is instilled and taught through punishment or negative experiences that are associated to true acts of self-direction and self-responsibility in early childhood, which includes all moments from birth. Every time the parent says "No don't do that" that is a suppression of the child's ability to direct and learn, and thus the natural development of responsibility through consequence. There is no true communication occurring, it is only a reaction that is being transferred onto the child, creating a suppression, specifically a fear of exploring, self-directing, being self-responsible, and creating, instead, a reliance on the parents for guidance, and asking the parents for permission, and, essentially, the answer to everything.

If a baby were to stand up and say no, and stand his ground no matter what, than he would be self-directive his whole life. We each have that potential. In essence, mine, and everyone process, is taking back our original decisions, and re-deciding to stand our ground.

Im just opening this point up for myself, and it is unfortunately my bed time, sleep calls... So I will stop here and continue next time.

How did I direct myself from war to peace

How did I direct myself from war to peace- I sincerely wanted peace, but I at the time saw war as acceptable to bring it about. So really, how I got out of war, was by pushing it, and literally allowing myself to do what I saw as acceptable, because I really did see it acceptable to do war to make peace. So in whatever dimensions and manifestations that called for that, shouting, screaming, making derisive comments, I did it. Only by going through all of that, from where I am standing right now, it seems like divine intervention, like a fluke, one moment where one person said something and I took it to heart. Perhaps it was the very structure of the words she spoke. I don’t know. But really it seems that the intervention came from outside of me. So really, in essence, I did all that I could. I was sincere. And that allowed me to see. Otherwise I would have not seen, because I was too scared of making a mistake, to make one and learn from it. I embrace consequence now. And I also allow peoples words to go right through me, and anything real in their words stick, and everything not real, such as the war and anger I was in, doesn’t stick. Because now I recognize where people were just reacting, as I had, because its like seeing me again, the past Yogan, the war Yogan. So I can’t hold any resentment, because I have already forgiven Yogan, I have already forgiven myself, and so in essence I have already forgive any one else that would live that same thing, the War person. 

A Silly response to one's time and how to correct it Day 180

Enjoying putting things off for later. Creating that anticipation within myself, because I have put something off for later. I can revel in the experience of anticipation, that energy, in thinking about the future, and what I have put off for later. It can be positive anticipation, or negative dread. In both cases it is still put off for later.
I was/am in a situation where I had the choice of choosing one of two things that I could participate now, one involved doing research, the other involved a social matter. Only putting off the social matter created a noticeable energy within me. Putting off the research for later does present some energy within me, but it is significantly less. The research would be more procrastination, or a dreading experience. The social matter would be more of a anticipation, which is both fearful and exciting energy. The social situation obviously has lots of potential for conflict, so there could always be unexpected energy to draw from, though it is highly likely that energy will be reactivated.
This whole design is interesting because there is not really the thing itself here, that would trigger energy. All of this construct is based on projections into the future, which does takes its position here, within the actual choice that would occur here, in which activity to pursue first.
All that exists is what is here, and everything here, moves or changes. So there is no energy inherent within a movement or change, it is something added on, like added sugar or salt in many foods, by us.
So it is to redefine enjoyment to being here with what is here, and that being the source or starting point of enjoyment: being here. So obviously, doing something later rather than now is something that practically occurs in every moment, because out of the millions of things we could be doing, or even plan on doing, we can only do one of them now. The rest of the things would have to occur at a later time. This is just how reality and how ourselves exists as and were built to be. This is just the nature of space and time, which has many benefits for us, for one we can learn patience, and focus, care and dedication. 
So I will be patient, focused, caring, and dedicated, by both doing one thing that I choose to do now, and later on, doing the things I choose to be done in a later point in time, which are all points that I wish to manifest and create. So it is neither to be rushing by try to do more than I could possible do in a certain amount of time, or stalling by wasting precious time and not using it to its and my fullest capacity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in the clock of the mind, instead of real-time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to either rush or stall something, instead of simply doing my best and using time to my fullest capacity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dishonor the gift of time, through using energy while being here, in movement or action, because energy is to live outside of time or what is here, in regards to our awareness and being.
When and as I see myself, living outside of time through participation with and as energy – I stop and I breathe- I realize that energy is a creation imbued with the property of separation, which is a direct birthing from ourselves, our being, which is created by our choices.
I commit myself to imbue my being with responsibility, and dedication, with a persistent awareness, focus or attention to what is here, which includes time, manifested as clocks and watches.  

Looking at the time. Fearful having lost time, or opportunity for not having acted before in the past. This is silly, I can see that, and I can just let it go.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Missing what is right in front of our noses Day 179

Looking forward to the future, missing the present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, by imagining about the future, and would it could be like, to miss the present, and thus the steps to actually create the future I so desire.

Anxiety about the future, and enthusiasm about the future. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious about what the future holds in store.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel enthusiastic about what the future holds in store, and so miss the present, what is here, as the only place that exists and where the future is only created; it all starts with what is here. 

When and as I see my mind running wild about the future, I stop and I breathe, and I bring myself back here - I realize that the future is not real per se, but it is a useful word to refer to the consequences or acts of creation that only manifest through continued and sustained participation with what is here. 

I commit myself to participate with and as the things that are here, to manifest the so desired creation, the creation that is aligned with what is best for everyone. 

I still feel nervous. Perhaps this is to be expected. I feel better now. 

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Halitosis Day 178

I have Halitosis, and no its not terminal, but its stinky. Halitosis is the medical term for bad breath. So family members have been pointing out for some time how my breath stinks. There have been periods where they said it didn't smell, and periods, such as recently, where it has smelled. So there is obviously something I am not doing, and also perhaps things that I did before that worked, but I was not disciplined, nor really having a set of designated habits that were done for the very purpose of ensuring that my bad smells fine. So now I am walking a process of identifying what habits to practice in detail.

I googled on what would case bad breath an halitosis. There are a number of factors, excluding diseases and tooth cavities, they include food particles that remain in the mouth that allow for bacteria to grow, which can be on the tongue and also in between the teeth. Their solutions where to brush throughly and floss well to remove all food particles, and to keep the mouth well hydrated. Other options included using a mouth rinsing product that kills germs. They also mentioned how eating foods that smell such as onions and garlic, will create a smell because the food enters into the blood stream and eventually reaches the lungs, where the smell is actually in the air you exhale from the lungs. When this occurs, the only thing one can do is wait for it to pass through the body, or mask the smell.

I don't floss regularly, so I would say this would be one serious factor. Something I observed is how when I brush my teeth, how there remains sometimes food on the back of my teeth near the gums. Something I would do when I was younger, would be to pick my teeth gently in the back with my finger nails, and this would work to remove the white food stuff. At least while in the privacy of my home I would say that is ok, and I can wash my hands afterwards.

So these are three things I need to do regularly, at least once a day if not twice. Floss, brush, and use my finger nail to pick the sides. I will test this out, and report later on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist implementing a new daily habit of brushing, flossing, and teeth picking, which is done for my benefit of ensuring my mouth doesn't smell bad.

I commit myself to remind myself to immediately check and clean my teeth, before I leave the house, and also in the morning when I wake up, and at night right before going to bed.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Passion for Self. Passion for Life

Passion for self.

Passion to walk this process for oneself.

If everyone you knew, disappeared out of your life, would you still seek to correct the problems you created?

If yes, then that means you are doing this process for yourself. If no, then you are not doing it 100% for you. I suggest to align yourself so that no matter what the situation may be, you will walk this process of self-correction for you 100%. I spent a great deal of time, creating imaginary situations that I picture in my mind, to test me, so that no matter what foreseeable future were to occur I would stand no matter what to make sure this gets done. What I notice, while doing this, the point of this was facing the fears and the "weaknesses" that one has allowed. You know how in movies or video games, the bad guys or good guys have a weakness? Well, its like that. Its about identifying your weakness, so you can prepare if such a circumstance would occur, because this process is really about standing in whatever dimension imaginable, because if you fall or change your starting point and principles you are living by, because the situation changes, then your standing is not absolute.

Just as a point of sharing, no ego here (can a person say no ego, without there being ego? hmmm) I already prepared myself that in case I had to walk this process alone, meaning if everyone said sayanara, goodbye, I would stand, because really its for me, and who I choose to be, and I walk this for everyone, not just myself, because I remember what it was like before I was introduced to process, and now I have an answer, and so conceivably someone else is out there right now in the position I was in, and I have the answer that was given to me, so I am obligated to stand and continue to share it. So it still relates back to me, you see? This is also what it means by closing all back doors.

There is something else important to note. I now have a greater appreciation for everyone still walking process, and are walking process this moment, because, you know what, they are here. That's something to recognize, be grateful for, and appreciate. So it is to recognize who is here now, and if they say goodbye, you just say goodbye. But while they are here (because remember we all have a certain amount of time before we clock out) to appreciate them, and enjoy them, haha!

Within that too is self-appreciation that I made the commitment and went as far as I did, and all of the things I have given me along the way. If I didn't do what I did in the past, I wouldn't be here where I am now, so I am grateful towards myself for that. The same goes for everything I received from everyone along the way, even if they may be "gone" now. Even looking back before I was born, there were many individuals, going back all the generations, that if they didn't make their specific decisions and pushed through difficult times, I also wouldn't be here in the position I am now. Literally everything I have, everything, had been given to me, including this body. So I am grateful for all of that and I can only hope to give (or plan to give, or already start now) as much or more in return. Im sure some people have read the Giving Tree. I always am reminded of that point, and giving, sacrifice, love, and genuine caring for another person, to the ultimate degree. There is a sadness reaction towards reading that book since the human did not get the lesson or really appreciate or learn from the tree. What's cool to remind myself is that its just a story, and I can decide who I am. And so I write my own story as me as the character, where I actually appreciate the tree, and life, and everything, and care for it all within balance, not taking more than I need, and giving back to everything, to ensure the awareness of life to be born, and to making this a fucking cool place for kids, haha.

Your Darkest Secrets. Why everyone fears the dark... Day177

When I first saw her in Hume Class, she reminded me of me. Quiet, observing, making specific comments, within a slight fear or trepidation of what others would say.

I resist her, why?

Does she remind me of me, and I don’t like who/how I am? Do I have judgments towards people who are quiet, not outspoken? Yes, definitely. I always viewed quiet people as somewhat inferior or incapable, even though I was quiet. Because I wished to be more outspoken, I was attracted to people outspoken.

Every time  saw a quiet person I have a negative reaction. Fear. Fear of being friends and associating with a quiet person. Fear of being seen with a quiet person. Fear of people telling me and pointing out how we are both quiet. Fear of being labeled and judged. Fear of being labeled and judged as being quiet. “I don’t wish to be quiet anymore.”

Throughout my whole life people have called me quiet, and started to get to know me by asking me, as the first thing they said to me,

 why are you so quiet? ANd what could I say to that. “I don’t know,” which by saying that I am admitting and accepting that I am quiet, that quiet is part of who I am. 

Quiet is the state of no sound, not speaking. Am I always quiet? No of course not. But I choose to speak. It’s a choice, done consciously. I am conscious of what I say, and when I say it, and how I say it. I have been fighting being quiet, so I have in fact been fighting with speaking consciously. That is why I am having so much trouble in my life with everyone and having difficulty in all of my human relationships. Because of this judgment I am having of myself.

I choose to accept everyone’s statement, why are you so quiet, as a mere indication that they may be reacting, enjoying, or responding in some way to my silence, as they are obviously noting it. When a person is not speaking, that is the definition of being quiet. Furthermore, there is no human being on earth where the singular word ‘quiet’ describes the totality of who they are, as that would literally mean they make no sounds, not laughter, not words, not even a grunt. People may be laconic, which means speaking with few words, or be terse, though that doesn’t mean they are like that within every context. In fact, if you observe people, everyone reacts and responds according to the environment they are in, which changes readily and constantly. So calling myself or another person as quiet, would be the same as calling anyone “loud” “fat” “ugly” “energetic” “happy” “sad” “aware” “careful” “impatient” because all these things are usually contextual, as we all experience, and believe ourselves to live such words in one point or another during our lives. To call and believe something to be an absolute statement (or judgment) when its contextual, which most things are, is a lie, or a misrepresentation of reality. What I have learned growing up is that one must take time and make careful observations if one wishes to get to the truth. So any experience of emotion is often moving quickly to possess you and is accepted so readily, when really this is not living up to the principle of being aware of what is true or real, as no observations were made of one’s emotions, which does take time.  I see this as my key flaw and reason as to why this consequence occurred, because I accepted my emotion of inferiority within saying/responding “I don’t know why I am quiet.” If I had questioned that emotion I would be a radically different person. 

I honestly feel fine now, and see what is true, and no longer see and believe in the lies inherent within all judgements of men and women. I no longer accept such emotions of inferiority within when I speak or when I am making no audible sounds. I do forgiveness now because it feels great, to feel actually releasing, and forgiving myself for having done this to myself, instead of questioning originally. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anything harmful within me, which feeling inferior, is a harmful feeling, which I felt in moments where I would be told that I am quiet, and where I responded I didn't know why I am quiet. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attack me, as being quiet, as something I saw inherent to who I am, and required to be radically changed, when really it didn't need to change, and I was in fact stronger for being quiet as I was more aware of everything. 

 I realize humans are not aware of the benefits of being quiet, because they themselves have not lived quiet sufficiently, or they already judged that part of themselves, like I did, and this is said within awareness that every person is capable of being silent, and aware of everything. So I need to take greater responsibility for I do have a greater awareness of what is happening, so as to not cast blame or expect people to understand as that would require an awareness that they have not yet achieved, and that if people respond negatively to me within judgment, it is because they did not know. Just like with Jesus on the cross, "forgive them father for they do not know what they do." I realize too how alone I am within this, and how absolute I must stand within what I am saying here, because when I speak, people judge, and have not acquired that patience to listen. So I cannot trust other people, unless they listen and have patience. Even then, I must always take what they say into myself, reflect on it, and see if it holds any truth according to my life experience. So that people never convince me of anything, only I take and test information within myself. I admit publicly, people have pushed onto me statements, which I accepted in trust of them, because of their position, and attention and respect received by other people. What is best for all is not determined by how popular it is, or who agrees with it. What is best for all is what is best for all. So,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to another person because they are well respected, and well experienced, and have a position of authority. 

I realize too how I had questioned this person, and how the information didn't assimilate with her. In other words, she couldn't listen. So I realize too how I can't hold that against her, and that leaving her presence, was best as it only makes sense to work with people that can listen. Within this, I needed time as I had for too long been receiving her statements as truths. I of course could associate with her, but it wouldn't make sense because I wish to open up myself fully and if that involves another person, they need to be receptive and open to that. I see that I am stable enough within my awareness of myself to guide myself out, without a person reviewing everything I write. I realize that I might be much more aware than many people, and so I need to take a position of authority myself, so that I can correct where this person couldn't and show others the way.

A person reading this, who hasn't met me, may see this as strange. However, many people I have met have seen what I have to offer, I just didn't want to see it myself. It's ironic that the greatest thing I have to share with the world is the same thing I was trying to change, stop, or suppress. I see this reaction as a preprogramming, however I of course was present the whole time in each moment. It was a mistake, plain and simple. When we sin, we forgive, that's the only way forward for all of us.

There is no superiority, and there is no inferiority. We just experience sensations in our bodies that we have defined in polarities, and define ourselves by the words we give to these sensations. So again, there is no inferiority or superiority. Nothing and no one is superior or inferior to anyone else. Even a person that is evil, is not inferior, as evil also doesn't exist. Even a person that is pure good isn't superior, as good doesn't exist. All that exists are people, that's it. All one and all equal. The only thing we can aspire to be and live, is that which is best for each and every single one of us, for we are all that exist. There is nothing higher to aspire, for that is quantifiably the most one can do. 

I forgive myself to call, see, perceive, any part of me as evil or good, instead of just being what it is, itself, a part of me, that is here in this moment always. 

I forgive myself for cursing others, and wishing violence, and misfortune onto others.

I forgive myself for not accepting myself completely in this moment as how I exist as and who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist what any person says ever. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself freedom as a freedom from conditioning, which is the mind, which are learned habits and responded acted unconsciously, or without awareness, instead of living each moment, my whole physical body in awareness and direct movement. 

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Creating Peace in My Life Day 176

Peace above all. No more relishing in anger or revenge. No more violence. An active peace, a constant peace. A constant step by step movement towards peace for everyone.  Living practically in such a way to mathematically guarantee peace on earth. Living peace as myself as no resistance and complete acceptance of what is here. In a way, I am already living the end point that I wish to manifest through my practical living. I live peace in what I do, what I speak. I let go when there's no point to hanging on. There's no point to hang onto anger, revenge, jealousy, sadness, pity, frustration... What would be the point of that? It wouldn't be for peace.

I found that I was addicted to anger, to revenge and all the other negative emotions. When I had the proper excuse I would become anger, and express it, receiving a sort of high. I would instigate conflict with those around me. I would probe and push people's buttons. I enjoyed it. I even enjoyed self-pity, and playing the victim. It was a game of emotions.

Like with any addiction, the best place to start is by stopping.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as my negative emotions, sadness, anger, pity, jealousy etc... within and as enjoyment, creating a dependency, an addiction, and tendency to create these emotions regularly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy to reveling in and experiencing my emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create situations and escalate situations, so that I can participate in my emotions more deeply.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out people to be with and hang around so that I can participate in anger, arguing, and fighting, instead of peace, understanding and genuine conversation.

Peace is the only sustainable reality

When and as I see myself feeling emotional - I stop and I breathe- I realize that emotions do not create peace, only war.

I commit myself to seek out people, and build relationships founded on peace, understanding, and genuine conversation. 

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Accepting my limitations Day 175 Part 2

My father. Money. My father buys things for me. If I ruin our relationship, he will stop, or he will leave. Seeing my father as as super hero, indestructible.

I see it that I should see my father, and mother, as one and equal to me, the child. Also that all children and parents and other family members, regardless of age or experience are one and equal.

So my father is just as destructible and vulnerable as I am. I also am capable of earning money and buying things for me. I realize I need to speak one and equal to my father, meaning that I see him as equal to me, not above or below, but one. So there are no pressures or fear, its just like being with myself, exactly like that.

I have already looked at this point in the past, how we make some individuals as better or more for being a certain age, or holding a certain position. For example, how the teacher is never wrong, or how parents know everything. When really that is far from the truth. So we need to become vulnerable and honest, and admit to making mistakes, and capable of being fallible. Because otherwise I have this tendency to feel like I shouldn't make mistakes. Because mistakes are suppressed, instead of revealed and shown for what they are, and accepted so that REAL growth and learning is possible. Also, how the extent of our knowledge will always be limited, as there will always be someone who knows something we don't, because let's admit it, this world is huge! and there are Billions of people on it, let alone all the plants, animals, and geographical areas that exist uniquely all over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from admitting to and being aware of making mistakes, and having instead suppressed them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from being limited in every capacity, in time, in space, in perception, in knowledge, in memories, in what I can do in each moment, in being an individual that is only one point among a vast ocean of points that together constitute this existence as a whole. 

When and as I see myself viewing another as great or mighty- I stop and I breathe- I realize that we are all one and equal, and any perception that deviates from that, is an illusion.

I commit myself to live up to my potential as a human being, by admitting to and learning from my mistakes, and being aware of and accepting my limitations.

Sex Sex Sex Day 175

Since I am now speaking from the starting point of what the moment requires, and since I am not really talking to any person, I am in essence just talking to myself... I figure that I could just speak as myself, which I already see as not easy, as I have this defense coming up, of fearing what I could say and the consequences of that. I can start with one point, one thread.

Sex. No not the intercourse, definition, but the Male/Female distinction. I see very little real distinction between Male and Female. I recall a time when I was a child where that difference didn't mean anything more than, what color shirt you were wearing, or how long your hair was, or your eye color, or skin color. It was just an arbitrary thing, one of those unique features that distinguish us. A little difference in height, your favorite food, etc... It didn't matter, it wasn't important. I still feel that way, and I prefer to feel that way. I am not ignorant to the fact that there are some noticeable consequences that are inherently biological, since Male/Female is a biological or physical difference. Women have slightly larger hips, and can give birth, as one distinction. But the rest is the same, for the most part. I have observed how we have created a way of life for one type of sex, and another way of life for the other type of sex, which we have learned to accept and actually live as who we are, and define us according to that which was given, and not in fact, created by us, as something original. We are copies or clones in this respect.

Having read what I wrote, I recall a rather special day, where I was fortunate to find out a girl that I was already acquainted with and had a chance to speak with on several occasions, had a partner who was female. Having heard this there was like this weight lifted off of me, and I started being myself. I spoke freely, I shared my observations freely, I smiled and laughed freely, I shared freely, everything was light, with no stress or second thought. It was because of this whole system within me to worry and fear, because of this complication in the mind of behaving a certain way to not offend someone or give the wrong signal, or romantic feelings, or sexual attractions. It was just two beings being here, and that's it, and it was wonderful. Its better than sex.

I would wish to live this way everyday for as long as I am aware. And it all starts with me. By removing sexual attraction, romantic feelings, by removing this system, I can be free to talk to both sexes, as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sexually attracted to, feel romantic feelings, towards any one, man, woman, child, shape or form of any sort in existence, whether it be virtual, physical, a memory, or something in my immediate environment.

When and as I see myself feeling attracted or romantic feelings towards something- I stop and I breathe- I realize that I'm done with feeling this way, as its just a prison, and is a suppression of who I really am.

I commit myself to express me, who I really am, and what I see, observe, perceive, realize, and understand.

Walking my dog Day 174

I was walking my dog and I was present. I was aware of my skin, the temperature felt cool. The sounds, the cars, the distant noises. How my knees creek slightly while walking. Thoughts moving in the background. Ignoring them. Focusing on this moment, on living this thread, of simply walking being here.

There's not much to write about. Except on this resistance of posting something of this nature. This is a judgement. There isn't a mind point to write about. This is simply a sharing about tonight walk with Shana.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Resistance is futile. Day 173

So it has been about a week, around ten days,  since I have opened up a point, and wrote self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements. Something I find interesting is how in this moment, the very moment that I type these words, I experience a resistance to sharing and speaking about me specifically and the changes and the ways I have changed. There are two choices here, I can push through this and write about the changes I have lived first, or I can write it later, and I can write about this resistance first.

I am considering that this resistance is a veil, so its not something I can take down in one go. i can however, write down one thread of this veil, which would be writing out this blog and thus acting out this action of sharing.

So, there were many moments, during the past days where I was given the opportunity to create conflict with something or someone. Something I find assistive to me is to provide a broad overview of these instances, because then I can look at the overall pattern by taking these instances and seeing what they all have in common.

I started embracing and liking eveyone's facebook point, as I sign of support, as well as commenting from a starting point of support. So in essence being non-threating and accepting of their decisions/choices. Also, not asking them to change.

I listened to and followed all of my mothers requests, and was grateful within and as myself that she reminded me to clean my room and my dishes.

I said yes to my fathers with points that he expressed, seeing the value of his word and perspective, even though within me there were points that I wanted to expressed, I held back and said yes, listening to him. Within understanding him, I could better respond and speak, to give specific support related to him and his life experience. I also learned things that I never knew or could imagine possible for him to live, which gave great insight.

So those are three examples, and there seems to be a pattern, hmmmmmm.......
I would stop myself, and breathe, I wouldn't speak immediately, but also assess first, how/who can I be so that I can be a point of support for this person that has entered my immediate presence. I have been doing this with strangers, which sometimes involves guess-work, though one point is clear, that when a person is excited, and energetic, like their voice is raising, to be calm and relax, and gentle in my voice as well as being agreeable. This movement worked for calming me down, and so far it works for others as well.. Another application is taking a noticeable deep breath, which the sound can be heard by the other person, reminding them to breathe, and be aware of their breath.

Something I did with my dog, hahahaha, I would make a high pitch hum sound that would make him excited and fussed up, as a way to play with him. He does this sound too as a way to express himself too.

I notice the change in these people (and my dog) immediately. I have another dog, who does not change visually while doing this, and she is usually more stable, present, not easily excitable.

Something I observe is how when you're energetic and all fussed up, you essentially become blind to what is here, and what you speak usually have holes in it, and is not clear. I notice too that directly challenging or questioning these holes, only leads the person to become more defensive, and generate more energy. So like with thought out tactics, the best way would be to focus firstly on lowering the energy levels, through showing the person you mean no threat. Like lowering the shields in star trek. You need to indicate to the other person that they can lower their shields, by being agreeable, and expressing agreement with their perspective, and/or deeply breathing loudly and/or speaking in a gentle soft, and possibly high pitch. You can also sound syllables without stress, which is surprisingly soothing. These are points I have lived, and there could be many more applications. I notice the first step is to soothe oneself which is how/why I initially applied these points. I wrote a blog about living acceptance within applying self-forgiveness to create a space of no resistance, and where change, and lasting change is possible.What I notice is that the energy levels dissipate immediately when applying this.

You then can speak in a non-threatening way, and you will notice the change in the other person, when compared to what would happen previously. And it all starts with you which is pretty cool.


Some side-effects, as i am calling them, that have also occurred is that I am speaking more excited when I have the opportunity to do so, and speaking in playful ways, which is a decision, so its like I have choice now, which wasn't there before. I suspect its due in part in having no threats to people, not desiring conflict with people or desiring peace, that I can speak this way because my own defenses are dropping. I notice too in small moments, where I could react, but I don't, and choose to make peace and let go. In general, things appear more quiet than before, and there are still remnants of thoughts, though its more like a leaf falling on a still lake, creating a rippling. So there's a choice now to stop it, with ease. Before it was like the world was ending with each thought I had. Now I just want peace with the world and everything.

So witthin all of this I realize and continue to live that all war and conflict of any sort is unnecessary as well as harmful, by the point that one is not actually living with everyone in peace. As long as fighting and resistance towards any point exist, then that constitutes separation. This includes the mind, as nothing is evil, and to be resisted. If you resist rape, or murder, war, or even resistance itself, that leads to no peace. By firstly starting with accepting what is here, as it exist, you can look and investigate how to practically change something. This is commonsense. That is why the first step in looking at yourself is to first stop resisting yourself and what you see. So within so without, the same point applies with every other point. Resistance is futile, as it is pointless.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Meeting the people of this world Day 172

So a point regarding calling and meeting new people or strangers. There is one particular memory or moment in the past this is still active within meeting new people and creating new relationships with them. The first girl I kissed, we had a relationship that lasted a week. I was just entering college, and I was really excited and looking forward to making great friendships. She broke off our relationship, and afterwards, I had went to her room to speak to her, and told how I still saw her as a cool person and would want to continue our relationship in whatever capacity that she saw fit. Within that moment my body went into this position. My head tilted to the right, my arms felt heavy, like I couldn’t move them and my shoulders drop, and I was leaning on my right leg. I remember looking her in the eyes, and experiencing this shift of my body as more comfortable than if I had tried standing normally. So I expressed myself in that moment and took a stand in the capacity I could, and I felt good within having done that. I had felt crappy before because I was continuously thinking about the situation of our breakup.
So I had all these hopes and dreams of making friendships with people, but it all dissipated and dissolved. I was left in disappointment, and it was like I became so afraid of that point that I never dare go there again, to really be honest, state, and explain/share who I am. Now within what I am doing now, my real self needs to be here, because what I am doing as my business is something real, meaning it is really a service to the people, and it is really the value it has in dollars. It isn’t a get rich quick scheme, it isn’t a fake or a lie, like most things are. It is actually legitimate, and actually represents who I am and what I truly stand for, a world of honesty, truth, justice, within recognizing we are all one and equal. This is what I understood as a child. But I didn’t express or share this point with anyone, REALLY.
So, simplistically, I need to become a little kid again, back to looking at each person and seeing the same person as myself in them. So seeing the potential of friendship, support, and understanding. So being brave enough to seek that point each time with each person, in simply stating and sharing/explaining who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with people, because becoming angry with people is the same as becoming angry with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the greatness and wonder that exists in and as each human being.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from any human being through the words I participate silently in my head.

When and as I see myself creating separation between me and another person through thinking- I stop and I breathe- I realize that we are one and equal.
I commit myself to approach and speak to each person in my world, as if I was talking to myself, recognizing them as a real person that is an individual, physically separate, in the sense of having their own individual body, yet one and equal with me in terms of design and structure of the human body, and in our life force.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

A Rod in the Ground, Day 171

Two or more in my name,
the last two characters I wrote, the Justice Character and the Mourning Character, along with the Prideful character that I wrote in my personal writings (not published), are interconnected in some way (I "know" what this is but Im holding it back to give background first)

"the mind suppresses my being"
When I am with a particular someone, a sibling, I react and trigger a certain way. I recognize I react in a similar way to a Buddy I was working with.

I listened to the Sibling Rivalry interview, which assisted me in understand some dimensions.

I recognize that I am suppressing my being or that my being is suppressed by the mind. I am reacting in a particular way, a suppression. I describe this suppression in the following way, everything is quiet, but like a forced quiet, maybe like a chocking. I need to focus on myself to experience what is actually here. Its like a withdrawal into a shell. I am a Cancer, in astrology. Someone explained to me, my mother I believe, that the Cancer animal is a Crab, and that people with that sign withdraw within themselves. Whether that I do that because of when I was born, is another question, but I recognize that I do do that. But more specifically it is a suppression of my being. I am beginning to recognize and see what "my being" is. I have been suppressing for much of my life so it is slightly difficult to see the moments where I am not suppressed. It just takes some time. I recognize I allow myself to be shocked by things and so that leading to a retreat within myself.

I recognize that my Justice character is a form of suppression. When I am acting for Justice, it is not who I would really act as, if I was not triggered. Perhaps all characters are just ways the mind suppresses us, it seems that it could be so. The prideful character, I am seeking validation so it is also someone I would not be, if I was not triggered. And the same person who I would be if I was not triggered in either of the two characters, is the same. I would just be here. I recognize that as this person I would express in different ways depending on what is here, but it is more on a practical point, like how could I express with this thing that is now here, not based on energy building up to acting the same way each time. This person is actually not completely predictable as characters are. You can't be spontaneous while experiencing energy, because you always seek for that which gives more energy which isn't spontaneity but is predictable.

My being, myself.
Me, who I am.
My being isn't a character, I can't define it like I would a character.

I suppress myself with energy.

So I sang some of the robot virgins and other desteni songs outloud on camera, to bring myself out. I saw myself in moments I was singing where I was really being here and singing, and that involved stopping/slowing down the energy and be aware of the physical, and stand within myself, and it in a way it was like pushing down on the mind or energy, to slow it down and give myself space to be here.

A fly was crawling on my eye lid, and looking back on what I wrote.... I wasn't really here in the act of writing. 

Im just focusing o myself right now. One reason I am writing this is because I listened to an interview by Bernard and reacted, and one thing he said was how resistance, pain, is a gift, and there is change about to happen if one pushes through. Right now I am pushing to see myself, my real self. I realize it is an assumption that this "real self" even exists, because isn't all that exist already here. So this that is me, that I have been working with this whole time is me, is the "real me", which real in this context is not something special or divine, it is what it is.

I notice I react quite frequently to the tonality of someone's voice.

When I see someone else, or my own memories, I am seeing just the potential of what I can be, not what I am now. But I can practice, live and push this change, which I have already started through singing, and in writing in the way I am now.

I realize that we are intuitively able to learn new words, such as self-honesty and self-forgiveness, granted it takes time, and there may be mistakes, but we are capable of that, living those words.

My being.

My brother said some things to me. And I felt bad. I don't want to look at the point, but it doesn't matter because I will. My brother was complaining to me about my breath smelled, and was talking to me as if I should have plan and seen the consequence of not brushing my teeth, and so I failed. Which, everything he said is true, but his attitude. You can tell he doesn't really care for me. That its really something for him, within getting angry and complaining. After listening to the sibling rivalry, I can say my brother holds resentment and anger towards me. He has been competing with me. I have feared him getting violent and angry, and I realize that the less I participate openly with his anger, the more angry he gets, to provoke a response. When I become quiet, I feel suppressed. This is a lie. I actually feel happy that he's angry with me. Because it is the endless war we have played since we were little. And with him getting angry is the objective. But this happiness I am participating in is suppressing my being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy that my brother expresses anger about my bad breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek to make my brother angry, because then I am fighting with him, and winning the war.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the innocent one, by attacking my brother through passive means, through triggering him, and causing his anger, by pushing his buttons.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the victim, and do so to hide when I cause my brother to get angry, because I secretly enjoy it, and feel good about it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy bringing out reactions in other people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek to bring out reactions in other people, because I feel happy doing so.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and bring out reactions in people who disagree with me, or with whom I am at war with, even if it means shouting and yelling.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to make playing tricks and little games, and scaring people, done within the starting point of feeling happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with people from the starting point of energy or who is right, or who wins.

No more fighting,

When and as I see myself feeling happy within pushing someone's buttons to have them react openly, I stop and I breathe- I realize that no one enjoys reacting as it is not supportive for one's living and being, and causing them to react will just have them resent you and lead to war as now they will try to get you back - I realize fighting is always pointless as it is based in energy, which is pointless since its not even real or tangible.

I commit myself to get along with everyone and support everyone to stop their reactive habits, by remaining stable, here, and not engage and participate within another person's reaction, within reaction, but stand as a rod in the ground, to ground the situation to practicality and what is best for all. 

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Justice Character Day 170

Knight in Shining Armor to serve Justice

When someone tells a lie, my Justice Character activates.
Even though it feels like I am charged up, and shout/speak with a loud voice, I feel peaceful. Something that happens sometimes is that I would suppress this character, especially if I didn't know the person and I was speaking with them in person, not online. So I have become this character online and with people close to me. I was scared that other people may harm me, because I was shouting at them, but I would still get revved up when seeing the "injustice." I notice my blood pumps stronger in my veins. And I stand straight with my head tilted slightly so as to create this look with my eyes and forehead. My hands also sway and move more, as I speak. I sometimes jump too. And my voice is consistently and constantly loud. Sometimes the other person asks me to lower my voice, I agree to it, but I keep shouting, without realizing I am. I think to myself they are lying. I think that they know that they are lying. I think that they are just trying to protect themselves being right. I think that they just don't want to change. I think that they are just in reaction, and I need to speak and be like this so that they have a chance of hearing me, because otherwise they would shout and just ignore me, like how they always would. I notice how throughout my life, I would get upset at even little lies or jokes, esp. if they were about me. So if someone insulted me I would separately react towards the insult and simultaneously react with the Justice Character, because the insult would be a lie, unless I saw it as true, which it wouldn't activate, and I would react as another character. I notice how this started when I was little and would react to my brother or cousin teasing me, and how I would feel peaceful when I got back at them. I wouldn't shout, I would suppress that, even though I wanted to, and I would do something back to them. There were times where I did shout, and I saw my mother shout, when she was upset. It was not really about the lie, but the injustice. On justice, its like everyone knows what is right but no one does it, which I start reacting to that thought. This thought is a lie, since not everyone is aware of the same things. And I am not aware of that. So it was a lie I had within me that justified the Justice Character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shout/speak in a loud voice, jump around and wave my hands in the air when someone I know tells a lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand up straight and tilt my head to look the person in the eye when someone I know tells a lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself in thought that they are lying, they know they are lying, they just don't want to change, they are just protecting being right when someone I know tells a lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself in thought that they are in reaction, I just need to speak loudly so that they have a chance of hearing me, because otherwise they would shout back at me, and ignore/suppress me, like how they always would, when someone I know tells a lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get upset at little jokes or teases about me, or about others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I must avenge or serve justice to people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things as "justice" to my brother and cousins if I felt they had wronged me or done in injustice, and so I must balance things out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself the lie that everyone knows what is right but doesn't do it on purpose/in awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel peaceful when I activate and become the Justice character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the justice character when someone I know tells a lie. 

When and as I see myself feeling peaceful, as the justice character, when someone tells a lie- I stop and I breathe - I realize that, 2 points, that 1, we each are aware of very little of what goes on, and 2, serving justice does not help anyone to correct themselves, either people who have some awareness of what they're doing, or none.

I commit myself to ask questions to find out what people are aware of who say/write information, which doesn't coincide with what knowledge I have stored within me, because its possible that I or them or both have installed misinformation in ourselves.

I commit myself to speak calmly and clearly what information I have stored within me, if it is relevant to the person I am with, if for example they spoke a statement, which doesn't coincide with the information in me, and to ask that they clearly and calmly do the same with me, so that I may learn as well.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Mourning character Day 169

Crying, mourning loss

Feeling sad that some people are gone/out of my life. I didn’t force them out, they chose to leave. I realize I don’t have any control to keep anyone. It’s a deep resonance, almost or on the edge of possession. I imagined having  a conversation with one of them telling her that “I miss her if that means anything to you.” So I'm calling this the missing persons character, which I can see being activated if someone close to me were to die, I would have imagined conversation with them.

I experience this emotion as regret. I wished I could have told them something or did something that would have kept them here.  I notice I feel like crying and I rest my head on my hand. I notice too how I was almost possessed to call the friends who I haven’t talked to in a long time, to see if I can bring them into my life again, so as to not lose them.
When I reactive the energy experience, it is sorrow.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorrow when I lose someone and they are no longer in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get droopy, and weak, and let me head sag, down and so use my arm as a rest to prop it up, when I lose someone, and they are no longer in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think to myself, “how could they leave me”, “I don’t want them to go!” “why did they have to go?”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine having a conversation with a person that has left me and no longer in my life.
When and as I see myself feeling sorrow within having lost someone- I stop and I breathe- I realize that crying about them, and feeling sorrow, or any emotion or action, won’t bring them back because they either made a choice to leave, or there is no choice in the matter for me –
I commit myself to release sorrow, and bring myself back to reality to what IS still here with me in this world instead of going in my head thinking and imagining what could have been, or what I wish what the situation to be.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Resentment, Envy, Disempowerment, Desires, and childhood memories, and speaking forgiveness aloud with acceptance, without resistance, and with authority, and Day 167+168

disclaimer: This is a draft, that will get updated. 

Resentment, Envy, Disempowerment, Desires, and childhood memories

There is a fire within me...

Robot Virgins -- Fire (Official Music Video HD)


So I have been writing out a mind pattern within me, that is fairly extensive in the amount of levels it contains. This might be the most levels I have worked on in a single point. I am still going to keep deconstructing and opening up the point, and will post it in small subsections, and at the end, do a summary or outline of the point.

So the first dimension I will post on is Resentment and Envy. Resentment is the negative pole, and Envy is the positive pole. To even say I have resentment or envy is something novel, so I am uncovering something new in me. The most recent observation I had about this point was how destructive Resentment and Envy. A quick glance, there is no other expression that is as destructive as resentment/envy. All matters of violence begin from that point. But also, in  human relationships, how a person being resentful/envious destroys his relationships with people. So it is really a destruction on all levels. No one wants to hang around or be with a resentful or envious person. And I had made this observation right before the Robot Virgins song, Fire, which I was listening to the Timeless song by them at the time. Within myself I also feel destructive, like I am destroying myself and I am twising and pulling myself within myself. And I really need to take a moment and stop as I access this, suggesting how normal and addicted I am to it. Another dimension I notice about this point is how it is something I copied and received from my father, as I can clearly see this point within him in how he lived his life. How I saw this point for myself was by identifying feeling Powerless as a source point, and finding three early childhood memories, one following the other, where I experienced feeling Powerless. And from there I saw how I evolved a specific pattern.


I took a math test in Kindergarten, I did not finish. I felt powerless. I cried.

A friend moved to another country. I was in 1st grade. I felt powerless. I was quiet and didn’t expressed how I felt.

I sat in the lunch hall alone, in silence, not talking. I was in 2nd grade. I felt powerless. I just ate my lunch and only answered or responded to questions. 

I evolved into the person I am now, quiet, reserved, resentful towards everyone, fearful of losing people, seeking for people who won't leave me, feeling the need to be forceful. 

 Within feeling powerless, I created self-blame, and blaming others, to feel power. I also expressed resentment towards people and the situation for forcing me to change who I am, and I was envious to others who were different and could express things I couldn't. I adapted and evolved to not express how I feel or feel it, as sadness and frustration, and held resentment towards the situation and people around me, blaming them for me having to be this way, and envying them being able to be different, expressing themselves openly, clearly, easily, how they feel. 

What I am expressing on the surface is resentment and envy, what I am experiencing deeper down is sadness, and frustration, towards things that are in my environment and in my past.  

I felt sad and frustrated that I couldn't do well in my math test. 
I feel sad and frustrated that I am often and always alone as no one enjoys my company. 

i feel sad and frustrated that people don't understand me when I speak. 

I feel sad and frustrated that most people disagree with me or don't listen to me. 

I felt sad and frustrated that people judge me.
I felt sad and frustrated that people don't stop, be silent and listen what I have to say to see what is valuable within what I have to say, and simply say something back to make themselves feel better. 

I felt sad and frustrated when I express myself and no one hears me. 
Its like screaming in a dream but no one hears you. Like when your little and screaming for your mom's attention but she doesn't respond. 
When my brother and I would fight, sometimes I felt frustrated when I saw my brother was intentionally messing with me for fun and my mom wouldn't punish him or do something. 
I also felt frustrated in a dream where kids or people were stealing my things and I was screaming at them to stop. This frustration and sadness is linked to a situation of being powerless, which involves me taking an action but my intended effect is not realized. So I have an intention for something to happen, but it doesn't happen. 
So resentment and envy occurs after I feel sad and frustrated when I don't realize an intended result, and as I observe others and the situation and blame them and myself, where I feel envious that others achieve what I wanted to, and i feel resentment when I see things responsible for my sadness and resentment regarding not realizing what I intended. I am blaming because I see that what I intended to create was dependent on those people or the situation, to either "listen" to me or be the "right time and place."
I copied blame from my mother. I created dis-empowerment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear becoming a guy who only says this but does not live them, if I talk about empowering myself. 

When I achieve what I intended, I expect other people feel envious of me if they have not achieved the same. I feel high. This is something I copied from my mom.
 When I don't achieve what I intended, I feel sad and frustrated, and blame the people or situation involved in not achieving, and feel resentful towards them/it, and feel envious towards people who have achieved what I had intended to achieve. I will act out violently and aggressively when this resentment reaches a certain point. Envious leads to depression. 

What are my intentions?
I intended to make everyone join me in making themselves better, and therefore achieving perfection, and life-long happiness.
I intended to make everyone perfect so that they are able to understand me.
I intended to find one girl and marry her.
I intend to bring about a better life for everyone.
I intend to make my life better.
I intend to be free of my mind.
I intend to be perfect.

I desire to rule the world, create the world exactly how I want.
I desire to not feel alone.

I desire to be liked by everyone.
I desire to be understood by everyone.
I desire to be good at conversation
I desire to have a best friend.
I desire to have a girlfriend.

I desire to be liked by everyone.

My family, I desired to be liked by my family. My first class and teacher, I desired to be liked by them. I remember stepping into a class full of strangers for the first time, I felt nervous, scared. I spent my whole life so far with my family, and now I have to meet these strangers. I want them to like me because my mom won't be around, and I get bored, I need someone to play with.

If someone likes me they will play with me, jokingly. They will make high pitch noises and make faces.
I need to do the same to others for them to do it to me.
The statement I desire to be liked by everyone translates to, I desire that everyone make high pitch noises with me and make faces, also give me things. Smile at me. and asks me if everything is ok. This is how my mom and dad raised me.

I desire to be understood by everyone.

in my family home we had our own language. I would even grunt or make physical gestures to express me. And I was always understood. And I could understand my siblings well too. Outside the home it is different. It was difficult to communicate using the same words and ways that we did at home.

I desire to be good at conversation

We didn't engage in small talk at home, or how to talk with new people. We had developed habits of speaking about things deeply, almost philosophically. We also had peculiar jokes. And we tended to point out the obvious but within astonishment. Needless to say, I could not get the same connection with people outside the home. I needed to learn how through school, but I never really did. 

I desire to have a best friend.

 My parents were my best friends, but that is something not socially acceptable, and also while in school, I spent very little time with them, and they were very busy. I did miss my parents and the time I spent with them, which used to be constant. I was expected to make and have a best friend.

I desire to have a girlfriend.

I expressed and experienced love and intimacy with my parents. It was expected of me, to fall in love, like it was supposed to happen, that that was one of the points in life. 


I took a math test in Kindergarten, I did not finish. I felt powerless. I cried.

Desire. I desire that I live in a world where I wont cry, feel sad, or suffer.

A friend moved to another country. I was in 1st grade. I felt powerless. I was quiet and didn’t expressed how I felt.

Desire,  I desire that I live in a world where no one leaves me.

I sat in the lunch hall alone, in silence, not talking. I was in 2nd grade. I felt powerless. I just ate my lunch and only answered or responded to questions. 

I desire to be liked by everyone.
I desire to be understood by everyone.
I desire to be good at conversation
I desire to have a best friend.
I desire to have a girlfriend.

my earliest memories would include crying, reacting, in resistance to what is here, living within non-acceptance of what is here. I did not learn this outside the womb from any person, I spontaneously just cried and bawled as a baby, to "throw a tantrum." This reaction/response is preprogrammed. Who I am, was a person that did not accept certain people or situations. This determined when I would cry/react.

A violent memory, where some guy pulled down my pants, and there was a girl I liked, and I become furious, like I felt an energy rising up slowly but quickly, and I tried punching him. I blamed and resented this guy for pulling down my pants and for ruining my chances of being with this girl as she saw me with my pants down.

The act of crying as a baby, is an act of resistance, and violence. I would flail my arms around, and when I react I do the same. This is preprogrammed. We are babies in larger bodies.

I must stop resisting everything.
I must accept and allow what is here.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing this situation.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing people and their actions.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing the mind.

Not accepting what is here, does not help.

Speaking forgiveness aloud with acceptance, without resistance, and with authority

I applied self-forgiveness on feeling lustful when seeing a girl that smiles at me, flushed faced, their glasses fogging, talking in a high, weak, and frail voice, kissing me, caressing me, getting on top of me and making out.

I repeated this statement several times. I had to take it slow, to sound the words, within acceptance of everything, and without resistance. Forgiveness works because it is an act of no resistance. I forgive myself, for accepting and allowing myself to...  I notice that I got faster at it, and the energy that I called feeling lustful in my solar plexus, became loose, and began to feel like resistance, then I observed it move to my throat, where it disappeared.

I then focused on my throat region and said forgiveness aloud, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist what is here, and repeated this, until I spoke it in such a way that I would describe it as speaking it with no resistance in my voice tonality. It was like my vocal cords were not resisting or vibrating. It sounded smooth, like a young boy.

I repeated this self-forgiveness many times. I had a reference, a memory, of a young boy speaking in the Indiana Jones movie.

Later, I was in the bathroom and did self-forgiveness in this way. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist being in the bathroom. I had already identified that all emotions and feelings are actually resistance to what is here, and so is thinking. I would every time I am in the bathroom, think. I then repeated I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist being in the bathroom. I also remembered how being forceful is also an expression. I did not have complete success in removing the resistance. So I spoke self-forgiveness aloud, assertively with a deeper, clear, precise manner. With authority. After saying it both ways, I was standing there, and feeling the resistance, and after a while I started to explore and move throughout the bathroom. BEING in the bathroom. I touched the toilet paper, looked at a lighter. Just be in the bathroom, like if i had been locked in there and decided to stop resisting being locked and started exploring. I decided to sit down, and I remembered how I had been locked in the bathroom with my brother, because we had been fighting. We eventually decided to write a letter to my mom, saying we made peace, but I still resisted peace with my brother, I resisted my brother. So I said that self-forgiveness aloud. I notice this time I spoke in a way that was BOTH assertive, deep, and without resistance, smooth.

I forgive myself, for accepting and allowing myself to...

Seeing the potential that exist in each one Day 166

I am writing on another point for the purpose of bringing my attention to it, and incorporating it within myself. So someone spoke this point, and I was familiar with it, however it was like something novel because I had forgotten about this point.

Everyone can be successful and achieve success. Everyone can be intelligent. Everyone can be a winner. Everyone can be a millionaire. Everyone can have it all. Everyone can achieve happiness, the real one, because we all already have the deluded one.

So those words say it all, there is no real competition and the people around us are not really the competition. The only competition, if there was one, is ourselves, and it is an artificial an illusionary competition, since it is often created as a resistance within us. At the same time, competition can be lived as a word of self-support, within the knowledge and acceptance that everyone else can too achieve the same results you have, and that you can also achieve the same results others have. So in essence, we are all capable of achieving the highest aim, goal or challenge possible.

I see this as important to incorporate within me, because this informs who I am and what I do, because before I forgot this point, and thus I was living as if some are not capable, when in fact they are. This doesn't mean they ever will, but the ability, capability, or potential is there regardless, and I have to find a way of awakening, or activating that, which I have a way.

Essentially my job or work directly involves waking up the potential in people. So incorporating the above point will redefine, shape, or morph, how I approach the work now and what attitude I will have towards, it, myself and people everywhere. Because each person requires their potential to be awakened, and I have already developed and formed a way to do so, during this lifetime, which was actually formed with that intent of waking people up. To tell you the truth I don't know for sure if it will work, because it was always something I saved or held back. It will be interesting for myself to see how it plays out when I live this with everyone, instead of a select few. Because I had these beliefs before that only some people are ready, which is a lie, now I see. Everyone is ready to at least stop and listen, and my words will seep through their layers over time, as they live and go through their experiences, which will confirm my words, and activate them to then seek me out, or take the appropriate steps to live those words on their own or through some other way.

I had resistance in doing this before, because I saw it as being manipulative, which was a judgement. Really as long as I manipulate people through speaking words that are best for them to live, then they could only take those words to live what is best for them, and if they don't its their own fault/responsibility.

This will take a process to stand within speaking as an expression from the starting point of what is best for all. I will continue with this next time.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

How I will from now on live this word, S-T-A-N-D. Day 165

 Hi, I am writing another blog for the purpose of solidifying a point within me, similar to this blog

So the word is stand.



I stand in the position of myself, body, the physical position and location that I occupy in space and time. No one can occupy the space that I occupy in this moment. That is the true meaning of being unique or an individual. Someone can take an exact copy of me, even of my awareness, but only one of us can occupy one space at one time. To visualize this for yourselves you can look at an oxygen atom. It is identical to all other oxygen atoms in property, size, shape, however it is unique because only it can occupy where it exists in any moment.

In relation to the word stand, I of course stand within physical space, however I also require to stand within myself, as my mind, you can say regarding where I stand on certain, issues, decisions and/or circumstances.

For example, I need to be able to stand when someone tells me something, or anything. Whether it is FUCK YOU!!!!! or NO, or YES, or TAKE THIS, or DO THIS. I need to be able to stand. I need to stand in a space or position within myself regarding everything. It needs to be me in awareness of where I stand. Wherever that is, I need to be aware of that. This isn't about one thing in my life, but how I live and relate to EVERYTHING.

When I live like this, standing in a position, its like things are clear because things have been decided. So no one can really question my decision, because it is my decision to make. People may say things to me, but that can't occupy the space I exist within. AND this stand or decision is something that can't be destroyed upon, influenced or forced, by the physical hand or a person's word. I am like the atom that occupies its space. And what is interesting is this, that my decision goes where I am. It is part of me and can't be separated. I may lose limbs, but who I am remains, and this decision remains. I may move across the world, but it still exists where I exist. The decision then has literally become who I am. This is perhaps how we create ourselves in every moment that we have lived on this earth, every decision that we have made since we were a baby.   

What is interesting is that I am writing this because I can not stand within a decision with/as myself. In other words, I am capable of being existing within indecision and so being "open" to manipulation, force, and influence, which I notice occurs while simultaneously I feel afraid or fearful. I notice too how I am capable of standing within the decision that I will make my decision but I have not made a decision yet because I have made the decision to assess the moment first before deciding in regards to this event, circumstance or situation.

So I can always choose to stand somewhere with/as myself in the moment.

What I notice on a deeper layer of myself, the guilt of not allowing myself to be open to what other people say, which is something people have said to me, within, I observe, I have made a decision verbally within having explained my reasons why. Self-honestly I observe I cannot trust people that leave themselves open to manipulation and influence. Because then they never make their own observations or decisions as they are constantly searching for influence or information that someone else has to give them, which I self-honestly seen that I have done with a hidden intent of trying to be "not responsible" as someone "else" gave me the information and "influenced me," which is never really true. The truth is this, we always, and will always, and have always been the one that has directly been deciding who we are, even when making the decision to not make decision in an attempt to "not take responsibility." But here's the thing, we are already responsible! We are responsible for when we decide to not take responsibility! So in essence, what we do is futile as well as being a LIE. Because we tell ourselves I am NOT responsible, which like I have already shown is not true, and therefore is a LIE. We are completely responsible for who we are, and who we are is and has always been directly influencing and CREATING the world as it is, and what it will be.

As I reflect on the aforementioned pattern, I see how within guilt there was really an attempt to keep the lie going that I am not responsible for me. So that indicates to me that all GUILT is suspect to DECEPTION. Guilt is NEVER trustworthy. Because guilt has been used for this abusive purpose, it can be used for other abusive purposes, so i can NEVER trust guilt. The closest thing I have to trust is the truth, I am always the one that is responsible for who I am, and thus this world because I am creating it. The truth is I am capable of standing in each moment within a decision that I create, choose or make. The truth is, that anything other than the truth is a lie, literally words spoken or said to myself, usually in my head and sometimes to other people, which don't reflect REALITY. Truth is undeniable. Truth is that trying to hide the truth doesn't change the truth, it just a decision you/I make to not stand within and as the Truth and Reality, or what is already here. Standing within the lie is like not existing, except that's the lie.

So I commit myself to stand within the truth, within myself, in every moment, and thus automatically includes that I am capable of standing in a decision in each moment, and thus must do so, because of the consequence of allowing other people, or the situation dictate and determine who I am, where I stand, and what the outcome will be, which in essence determines and creates the world as it exists today and will exist, which I couldn't allow the same abusive patterns to repeat itself of not taking responsibilities and existing within a suppressed state of oneself, and influencing and telling others to do the same, so that no one can come up to you and tell you the truth that you are hiding from.