The most important thing that I can offer existence is to show that its possible to live and exist without thought, emotion and feeling. To show what its like to no longer feel insulted, intimidated, scared, worried, love, hope, sadness, excitement. To show what it is like to smile for real, laugh real, spontaneously in the moment, unplanned.

Monday, December 31, 2018

Day 89 Why Do I wake up Everyday? Second TAKE

So I have been looking at this question about why I wake up everyday. I am looking at the dimension of How I have Woke up in the Past, and Why and for what I woke up for in the Past. I am also looking at the dimension of Redefinition and what I would genuinely like to love, would love to live, what would serve me the best!!!!!!!

So let's get started!!!!!

I listened to this eqafe interview on Mood Swings, and it help focus in on how I can wake up in a MOOD and how that can affect my day. https://eqafe.com/p/moods-moods-and-our-daily-lives-atlanteans-part-505

And helping me remember that it all comes down to a choice. You are faced with a mood, and you don't want to do the dishes, and you decide to do it anyway, as yourself, as your body, with your presence, and you transform the moment of a bad mood to a simply physical doing that is calm, natural, good-feeling like in a very normal way. Like a very natural like doing. At the same time in the beginning you may have to really fight the energy, in the sense that its like intense, and you can't let it WIN!!!!! So you need to breath and do it, and make it so, being calm and direct within that, while feeling the storm raging around you, swirling around you literally, while you keep doing self-forgiveness and breathing. That is when the energy has been built up for so long and too much. Otherwise its not so bad really, quite simple and direct. 

 So that is that dimension.

Another dimension is points I can draw from my Past moments and Past context. When I was in my dorm at university, I would wake up with that dread and NEED to go to class and get ready for the day. Need to perform well, need to be there, with that fear in the back of my mind of missing class and not bringing my homework, or having a test that day without knowing it, without having studied for it etc... As a child I had these nightmares, I was both traumatized and motivated by the Fear to Do WELL as a student. Its odd by true. Its also not the healthiest and best way.

When I asked my Father one time, why he gets up in the morning, he said because of his Credit Card Debt. and he was sincere and direct. It does motivate, and its similar to how I was in school, the FEAR of having that there, the burden of it, yet waking up to meet it. Again its not the healthiest thing, BUT its defintely better than just laying in bed powerless and worrying about it, isn't it?

I still haven't completely transcended my own fears in schooling, as I had the other month that same nightmare of being in school and not knowing where to go or what to do. I have been out of school since 2013 and I did exit still with this fear. And I will be going back in the next years and so it has been reactivating that part of my mind which I haven't fully walked or transcended YET.

So that has been my traditional past and reasons for why I would wake up.

Looking at the Redefinition Process now.

So I wrote this the other day in the Fashion of that Expression that I can live at Times: 

"""""""""
I live to socialize, I guess that's it.

That's gives me meaning and purpose and fucking makes me want JUMP OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING!!!!!!!!!!!!'

To FUCKING CELEBRATE. To run towards that.

The speaking and sharing in the moment, the listening. The understanding and depth that has no end.

Not once have I ever reached a point of deepness with a person where it was like, YOU KNOW, I HAVE SEEN THE VERY BOTTOM DEPTHS OF YOU, so I have seen you all, and there is NOTHING more to SEE Deeper into you...

Not once.
Not once.
Not once, after going deep was there ever a bottom. Not once.

So it is always there as far as I know. There is always more to explore, more to know, more depth to go with a person. As far as I know.

If I ever find a bottom of a person I will let you know first!!!!!!

""""""""""""""'


 I would very much like to live this way everyday. Remembering the great things I lived and learned from close relationships with people, especially the deepest ONESSS and then knowing I can create that and have that again with people today or tomorrow!!! Which today or tomorrow may depend if my day may be chock full of responsibilities, and I may try to reach people that day, either in daily life in the flesh or daily life Online or through the phone, and it may not work out for THAT DAY. But there is always tomorrow. And the next and the next day. So its like I have infinite possibilities and chances!!!! And remember this is something I WANT to run towards, So I do always want it today/now, so its more having the patience of waiting for it, when it can't happen NOW or even today.

Another way to look at it if my redefinition doesn't make sense to you. Its about looking at the things that ADD to my life that I do want, and IS best for me and for others involved. So its about being honest that these things are fucking great and good things, that make me feel fulfilled and makes me a better person, and helps me see more of me. And the same happens for others I live this with. So of course I would make that the reason why I wake up everyday and THEN all the other things I have to do I do it because I want to create/live this other point, which may not even happen that day per se.

Something great about relationships with people is that it is something you can't or don't fully control. Having that dynamic, not having that full control, is what makes it so great too! Because its a fucking other person you are dealing with. With all the complexity and depth that comes with you as well, and here is another person with that, cause they are a person!

I hope that this enlightened you.


Oh wait I almost forgot!!!! When I was a child of 5 years I was very talkative and social with all of my family members, which we had a semi-big family living all under one roof: cousins, aunts, grandparents.... So, but then I stopped. I was intimidated by school, by walking into an unfamiliar place, not feeling comfortable, confident because this WAS NOT my space, this was NOT MY WORLD, this did NOT BELONG TO ME.

So I have been walking a process of walking into my World. This is my world. And this is ME, in my world. I have my good stuff and bad stuff. Hello. So maybe who I am naturally is someone so SOCIAL, and wanting to socialize all the time. Because that is how I was as a child, and I will get more and more access to that, the more I walk into MY WORLD. Maybe we are all like this! This level of social, which can be seen in childhood.

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