Yogan's Journey to Life

So I'm going to be describing something that may be very hard to understand. Even with the right words, if you read it too quickly, then you are already accessing the idea of it. Being vulnerable in asking someone something: Can I go with you? Will you help me? Can I have your number? Can we hangout? Do you want to go to...? And here, imagine that you are truly saying these words as truly asking the person. Not putting up a facade, not trying to be cool, not trying to already shield/guard yourself and act like you don't care. Truly being vulnerable in truly asking for what you want and so you are declaring to the person what you want and you are in the same moment ready to hear them say Yes or No. That moment is the one I fear. I fear vulnerability. And when I look at people in general, everyone does as well. And the common advice that I hear and have been told is to be STRONG and CONFIDENT and basically FUCK THEM if they say no. And this is what I see everyone givin...

Being/Feeling Worthless I felt and believed I was worthless because as a kid I was quiet, shy, I didn't know what to say or what to do. I didn't know how to have conversations or speak. When it came to the girls I had crushes on, that I liked, I didn't know how to speak to them. And to one particular girl who made me her friend, who was super friendly to me, and spent time with me, and invited me to things, I felt/believed I was still worthless, I was too worthless to be with her. I was too worthless for her. I am quiet. I am shy. I don't know how to speak. This self-perception carried on within me. As I grew older and met other girls/women that I had crushes on, that I eventually dated, I still saw myself as too worthless to be with them. As I was with them, held hands with them as we walked, I still saw myself as worthless. I was afraid to say something stupid or I was afraid I wouldn't know what to say. I was afraid I was still too quiet, too shy, too inexper...

There is a struggle within oneself. The struggle is for power. But we incorrectly place  power over others as more important then power over ourselves. What is power over self? Power ove Self is being able to stop what you are feeling, what you are thinking, and reacting within yourself. It is the domain of your body. That is what you have power over. How we are currently existing as Humanity, as all people is that we don't have power over ourselves and so we seek power over others. Why? We are seeking power over others because we are not giving ourselves the power over ourselves, which is our birthright. To exist, you have the right to have power over your self, your thoughts, what you feel, your backchat, your reactions. And if we don't stand within our birthright, we are standing outside of what is right for ourselves, so we feel wrong and inadequate and weak and we are seeking for someone else that we may either control with power or that can control us with power. ...

Realigning Guilt. SO what is interesting that I have observed today is how when I feel guilty, I enter into it completely without question. This means that I feel guilty, and accept the experience, when I do not even know whether I did something or I am doing something that I am feeling guilty for. It is like that when i feel guilty I already accept and believe that I did do that thing, even though I don't know for sure with confidence that I did. So guilt is misaligned within me. With all honesty I can see that I don't know whether I did this thing that I feel guilty for. Yet I feel guilty all the same and I believe and act like I did do this thing. Why is this? This is the result of trusting my feeling and following my intuition as a feeling, as a trust for my feeling to have some knowledge or access or awareness outside and above/greater than what is here available to my awareness. Like with tarot card readings, higher guides, psychics, divine beings, spiritually conne...

There comes a point where you just have to believe in yourself. I face this point now. It opened up in a moment where I was being aware of my body while pointing out what was the mind and what was me. The question came up how I knew what was the mind and what was me. I considered whether it was self-honesty, and I said no. That it was more of a point that I just know it. Sort of like faith. And this scares me a bit from the perspective that abuse is so easy. That I can say or another can say that they are stopping the mind or whatever and it isn’t true. But at the same time, you already know what is truth of what is going on in the moment. So I just have to believe in me that I am capable of knowing and just do it, with no hesitations or regrets.               For a long time faith has been used to abuse, which occurs through its starting point of separation. At least that is what I have understood. Where faith has i...

Reading over my last post I identified a charge. People looking at me. I think they are judging me. I think what they could be thinking of me. I get worried, scared. I think I am dumb. I think I am ugly. I think I am a wierdo. I think I am nothing. I think I cannot do anything. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the words "I am dumb" with nervousness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "I am dumb" come up in response to when people are looking at me.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "I am dumb" within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the words "I am ugly" with fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the words "I am ugly" with nervousness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "I am ugly" come up in response to when people are looking at me.  I forgive myself...

I am in a mass amount of work. Writing this out, I feel calmer like I can complete my work. I have several things to account for and complete throughout the next 9 days. Taking deep breaths helps me focus. I can feel the blood rushing to my brain, in slow, steady beats. The fear of failure. I allowed in a moment long ago, to participate in the fear of failure so completely that I never wanted to try again. I never wanted to stand up. I felt I was nothing, powerless. There is an element of not knowing- the fear of not knowing, whether I would succeed or not- and this scared me. Breathe, be here, and direct myself. These were words I repeated over to myself, until I lived it and stood up.  Accepting and allowing even one thought is to accept and allow the mind and to give up directive principle. Always stand as directive principle. Breathing helps to discharge what energy has its hold of you. Though breathing cannot replace you standing up and taking directive principle. This ...