Yogan's Journey to Life

When I was in the first year of highschool, towards the end, my mom had visited an astrologer to see about what would be best for me. She went on some day magical, like 5/5/05 which both her and I took as a sign of the value of the following, that I should change schools to a Jesuit College Preparatory school. When I heard the news, I thought it was like divine plan. I felt sad inside because there was this girl I liked and known for a couple years that went to the school I was in. I had however in my desperato fashion, saw leaving as good and necessary and I made a positive or unemotional façade about leaving. Her and I had not been talking in a while, and all of a sudden in our English class she hugged me while we were standing. I did not hugged her back thinking to myself I can’t hug her or I would cry. I very much lived in a life of emotions. I never wanted to appear or look emotional so is my pattern of mind. I wanted to be courageous, not fearful, ever. I ...

--> Oct 1 2012 I saw X, I slowed down to say hi. ( I saw she was looking away and I thought she might be embarrassed) I was watching her eyes as I was telling her: How are you? She responded, good you? (I did not consider she was simply expressing herself) I kept walking, I thought then, imagined, I had told her: I was sitting outside if you wanted to join me. (I had imagined she would like to sit with me) I then reacted in fear, and told myself no, im going to go sit outside like I planned. I went to the spot I had told myself I was going to sit. I thought there would be too many people walking by that it would be awkward. (I thought she would see me sitting close by yet I separated myself fro everyone else) I also thought it would be not sunny, so not cool. I started then heading somewhere there was sun, outside. I had then imagined if I had asked X out, to which I reacted positively (I imagined she would have said yes to me). But I see this point is just in my mind...