Yogan's Journey to Life

 Something I have is an effective ability to read others. What I notice is 2 categories of people. 1) obvious and 2) hidden. Being obvious is when a person is saying whats on their mind, and acting with whatever their mind tells them to do.  Being hidden, is suppressing the mind, and instead showing another image to others. The mind will eventually spill out. And the degree or skill of suppression varies. Some are experts at it, usually out of necessity for work or daily life. Since every person is born an innocent child, for a person to develop a mind conscious system that is so disharmonious with the needs of everyday life, they must have gone through an abnormal and abusive living situation as a child. Picture bullying, being beaten up, raped as a child, or any other horrible, painful, treatment by others: adult, other children, teachers etc...  The mind develops under these conditions. Naturally one such conditioning is anger or rage. Because to protect ones body or s...

 My self-forgiveness and self-honesty are no longer effective, not for a while. And I aim to fix that. One of the things that is constantly in my mind while writing a blog and self-forgiveness online is others who are reading it. I am thinking about how it will affect others, and how they will react to it. I am worried about how it can inadvertently affect others, in ways that don't seem obvious. And I have this painful intuition on my body that responds when I do things. I am really in a fucked up situation. Its like I am scared to live. Cause I had my heart broken. Which is what has happened before several times in my life. Except this time it was my deepest wishes and desires, of friendship, camaraderie, sharing, openness, community. It was my faith in humanity, the goodness of others. That being said, its not your fault or their fault. That is who we are now, we are quite messed up, evil mother fuckers, quite demented, quite broken, quite sadistic, ruthless etc...  I remem...

 Fear. There is no reason to be afraid of anything. Not of death, disease, harm or violence. Fear itself is irrational. It has no reason. The reason we assign to it is that it protects us. But fear doesn't protect us at all. What does protect us is actions. Physical actions are things we do, which can include protection. Fear itself is a possession, is like an entity. It is not an action. It takes over what your actions are. And those actions are maybe sometimes to your benefit, and other times not. But all together it is not always best for all, and thus it isn't best for all since its something that you either accept and allow or not. Thus if you accept and allow fear you know you are accepting those actions that aren't best for all.  Fear is ancient. Its a foundational point of our minds and ego. And it is how and why we can even act within violence. Look here, would violence exist if fear didn't exist? And here I am talking about violence done not out of necessity, ...

 So there's something that I have realized about when people go through trauma. The common response by people who go through trauma says that it changes them. And what I see is that one of the reasons why it changes them is because they are feeling certain things that they don't know how to stop. And this includes anger and blame. And the mere suggestion that people who go through traumatic events forgive their abuser, is already scoffed at, let alone the suggestion that they forgive themselves for the anger and hate/blame that they feel. I suppose it makes perfect sense in this humanity that we are today that we don't know how to go through an event like trauma, and be able to process it and revert back to how we were. Because if we did so then we would remain like children. We would be naive, we would be pure, and open hearted, and we would still believe crazy things like no one should be harm, and all life is precious, and all people are equal regardless of any differenc...

 So, there is this statement that we cannot control other people, but we can control ourselves and who we are with things around us. So what I see within that is Fear. Because we can actually control who we are with other people, and so we can stand in a way with other people that does control/determine the relationship with that person. Control= Power= Responsibility. Being someone like Bernard, like how he was in his agreement with another person, which is who he is in a relationship based on principles that is openly agreed to and discusses, that requires having that Control, Power and thus acting from the knowing that you are responsible for the outcome. You do it, because you know it has an affect on all. You do it because you know that this shapes reality and changes the course of the future for this person and for others.  Power is scary, like real power. Real power is the kind of power that can only come about when one Realizes ones Responsibility. Power that is acted ...

 So another blog on the human mind/programming details using myself as the example.  One of the reasons why blogging is supportive is by having your programming out there in the world, it frees you. Because part of it is keeping it a secret. By saying that you have this issue, then people can't use it against you.  Fear can only work in the moment/here. Fear doesn't exist in the past or the future. You can only ever feel afraid now. The same with everything else really. The only thing that exists is what is here/now. So if you find yourself thinking about some future moment and feeling fear, then realize you are only feeling fear right now, and so all you have to do is to move yourself in this moment. Step out of the fear in this moment. And so don't think or believe that a future fearful moment will happen. I notice this type of thinking of feeling afraid of being afraid of like a future moment. So your in your mind thinking about how something will happen and how you wo...

 Fear is a powerful motivator. Us humans have known a life only of energy. We have lived through energy, by energy, for energy. We are consumed by it. We don't know any other way to live. So to live another way would require stopping the energy. Imagine being without energy. Being such a way that you cannot be moved by the actions or words of others. You do not respond or react. Instead you can choose what to do. That is real power. To imagine it and to live it are two separate things. Indeed even imagining it as a person who is of energy, you are imagining in an energetic way. Where the person is somehow energetically charged up to not be moved, to be strong or to be more than others.  Without energy is truly different than what we know. The only future possible for us is one without energy. For with energy, we are doomed. Energy is derived from your body, and its extraction requires your possessed awareness. As long as who real power is hidden, as long as your real strength ...

I choose to face my fear of being alone, which means that I must put myself into those situations that I fear. This means having the conversations I fear, saying the things I know is best for all, yet I fear it will lead others to leave me alone. So I choose what is best for all over being alone. I choose what is best for all over company. I choose what is best for all over friendship. I choose what is best for all over family. I choose what is best for all over everything/anything. Because if the people in your life can't stand you with you speak/stand by what is best for all, then they are not best for you/all. So no more waiting, no more hiding, no more fearing. Now its time to stand absolutely. Now its time to recognize the Life within me, and the oneness and equality of the Living word and spoken word. Now is the time to be unoriginal, a clone, predictable, because oneness and equality will have only one outcome. Choice becomes irrelevant. Time for the next p...

So stemming off from my recent blog post https://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2020/02/day-801.html , there comes moments throughout my day where I am reacting, and I am breathing, and there is a moment where I simply have to decide to Delete a point, or let it go completely, where it is so completely deleted that I am not focused on remembering it or it occupying my focus and attention, yet I can go back to remember it if I need to, but for the most part its not here anymore, its not relevant anymore. What I am saying is that I am noticing this difficulty of letting go and deleting/stop something so completely. I am seeing how I am holding onto points, where I have already done all I needed to already, and the final step is simply to stop, and let go. Pure and Complete Deletion. I am reminded of a vlog recording Gian did last month regarding lord of the rings and how Frodo had trouble letting go of the ring. So its something like that. Its like Deleting requires like a sh...

Revenge of the Ego is a recording Bernard did. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNwExWTsSXM And I see an explanation for something I went through which happened through an unexpected way. Bernard used an example of a relationship and how in the beginning of the relationship it was pure, and real. And how slowly over time the ego inserts thoughts that make you doubt it. Is this the right person? Is this where I am supposed to be? Is this the right place? And how it sabotages the whole point. So what i am seeing is that this happened to me, but with my career choice and goal. Because in the beginning I was happy, and excited, motivated, and willing to walk it and looking forward to it. But then it slowly went into doubt. Is this the right goal? Is there something else I should be doing? Are these the right people? And I can see how it fell apart, and how the ego took me to the point where I would give up. And like Bernard said that its more advanced than me, the mind is more s...

Shall we proceed to the next door? I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing friendships that are lost because it turns out they weren't who they said they were. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing someone living a life of self-torture secretly, without asking for any help, and me being powerless to intervene. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing someone who fell from their potential, who had all they keys and power to change and become great, but gave in and gave up. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being witness to that great torture and fall from self, and being powerless to say anything to anyone, and being powerless to intervene and help, because remember that change has to come from self. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the only one that knows of someone's secret that they are dying on the inside and are simply falling. ...

Where am I afraid to go? What door? I am afraid of being with people who are attempting to manipulate and control my actions and behaviors through manipulating my environment, by withholding certain things from me. I am afraid of being in a situation where someone is trying to keep things away from me, that take things away from me. I am afraid of being in a situation where things around me are being moved without my decision, and so there is chaos and unpredictability. I am afraid of being treated in a way where it’s purpose is manipulating my behaviors, and how I feel in order to make me afraid/compliant. I am afraid of being told I am responsible for someone else’s feelings, where I will be punished and held accountable if I don’t ensure I make someone else feel good. I am afraid of being chastised and reprimanded. I am afraid of someone taking actions to change my physical reality/space in order to punish me or control me. When I ...

She said: step in the circle if you are nervous that you’re in a new place. I hesitated to step in. I knew it was not true, but I was also afraid of standing out and not being part of the group. But I decided to stand back, and smiled. I felt nervous in standing out of the circle. The camp leader said ok. I noticed some eyes did look at me, but I focused looking straight ahead. The upperclassman next to me whispered in my ear that “you’re an asshole” I felt shocked, it struck a cord with me. I felt afraid. I suppressed that response and carried on my day with excitement. I believe I need fear in order to fit in. I believe I need to respond to fear, in order to be accepted and be like everyone else. I fear standing without fear, and so standing separately and differently from the group of people. I am afraid of not being accepted because I don’t have fear. I am afraid of sticking out and standing out from the crowd. I am afraid of not being liked. I forgive myself for acce...

What am I afraid of? I am afraid of all of my close relationships becoming hostile. I am afraid of everyone I know becoming aggressive toward me. I am afraid of an "intervention," where everyone agrees and believes something about me that they have decided I have to change or else. I am afraid of being threatened with banishment, or being kicked out. I am afraid of being forced to change. I am afraid of the threat of being without support in reality. I am afraid of the threat of physical violence. I am afraid of the threat of being killed/murdered. I am afraid of defending myself and fighting violently. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of all of my close relationships become hostile I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of everyone I know becoming aggressive toward me I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of an intervention of me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to f...

In the past I have understood perfectly well that all Fear is unacceptable. I would explain it as a point where People say that you need fear in order to protect yourself from something like burning you hand on the stove. So you fear burning yourself. People would say such things, and call it good. So this is unnecessary because what I would say in response is that we can KNOW that our hand will burn and so we don't need fear. Like we won't be burning our hands on stove because we have no fear within us. So what I say is the truth, and the basic truth is that human beings have mind consciousness systems that are producing thoughts, feelings and emotions- and are completely directing what people should be doing, deciding, thinking and believing. And your experience of yourself is like you are watching a movie and you are following what arises within you like watching a movie. So fear to me is something that is more obvious to me, at least in the past, when I say all fear ...