Day 87 Walking Through Past Moments in Real Time
So reality brought before me moments with people that are from my past, and so recreating the dynamic of relationships and moments from my past in front of me. So here I am literally facing my past again. Within me and as me I reacted, I reacted in the same way I have reacted before in the past.
My reaction so to feel stressed, depressed, misplaced, anxiety, unsettled. Within seeing this, that I what I am facing is literally my past in this moment, then what I have to do is walk this moment HERE, the only moment that is here, as the Me that I am now, that I direct here and now. The past is gone, even though people are here recreating the moments and living it as themselves, they are NOT me and I am not bound by the past, or by past rules, or by how I should be because that is how I used to be in relation to them. I can create here, how I am, who I am, in the moment, without Shame, without Guilt, with Peer pressure. I stand as the new me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to and respond to a trigger in the same way as I have done in the past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt and shame for not CONTINUING my role in the Past Relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not move on from the past relationship dynamics and be here as me, fresh in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to be positive, friendly, smiling and happy, instead of allowing myself to be me and respond as me according to what is here in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue within my past role as the victim as the sufferer, as the one that is annoyed, and having a bad time, instead of simply being me and being here, not with any preconditions or beliefs or ideas on how I should be.
I move on from the past now, i am here now. The past is gone. I create my new relationships here in this moment, through participation in this moment. Everything from my past relationships is gone, the history is gone, what matters is what I create with people here and live here.
I am not bound or held to honor the past, what is here is people, real people, and I live and I interact with people that are here now, not with the past memories or past moments.
I Live my proud differences, my proud development where I have changed and I am not who I once was before. I am not bound by the past, to be and live what I once did. There is no honor or value in reliving the past and just staying the same. The fake intimacy and closeness that I feel is simply familiarity or what feels normal, as what I have been calling normal and living as my normal. Normal is a definition that I redefine. Normal is what I create and live. And the good feeling of familiarity is untrustworthy and not something to base who I am and how I become in the moment. I let it go.
I am me, I am here. I create my life HERE, the only place I can, and in the only moment I can.
I am not a victim no more, I am not a slave no more. I am not a sufferer no more. I better my life, I take responsibility for my life and my experience, and I choose to give myself the best life possible within the principle of what's best for all, which simply means I am including everyone as the principle of Life itself as what is Truly best For Each one, even if they may not like it or may resist me.
No more victimization, I am here now, I live me.
~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is a Break Line in my blog because I wrote all of this above last night without publishing, and now this morning I have walked some more relevant points so I will just add to it here.
So what I did was bring all the trauma here and all the people who have spoken within anger and possession to me, which is something I reacted to within me. I started walking in my living room to the hallway and back and practicing walking into MY WORLD, showing that this is me, here I am, my strengths and my weaknesses, my good and bad, this is me. And I imagined everyone who has yelled at me, said nasty things to me, insulted me, said such things "you don't know what you are doing" are following me as I walk and are circling me as I walk in the room. I imagine they are all here, all the people. And what I do is self-forgiveness and forgiveness.
I forgive them for not knowing any better. What they are doing is unnacceptable, should stop, but I forgive them for the fact that they are doing it, doing something they shouldn't be doing, and if they knew it and knew how to stop it, they would, but they are in a possession and they can't stop, so I forgive them, I understand them.
That was my first step. My second step is walking into MY WORLD. So I am walking, with my shoulders back, my chest out to the world, and I walk as if this is My world. So comparing and contrasting this to not my world, which is how I have been feeling and existing, where I see and say that this is not my house, this is not my building, not my place, this belongs to someone else, this is not mine, I am a guest here, I am not the authority here. So walking into My World, is saying that this world is mine, in an absolute sense of this planet earth is mine, and everything and everywhere on it is mine, as it is my responsibility and belongs to me equally. So here I am in my world, and I express me. The same with how this is My Body, which is the Third Point I did naturally and immediately. This is MY BODY, and these reactions within me are not allowed here in my body. This is My Body, and this is My World. I am the authority here. And I found something curious, as I lived the point, and walked out of the reactions FOR THE MOMENT (cause I notice they came back later), that for the moment my mom asked me something I spoke in a deep voice very naturally and automatically without any effort, a kind of comfortable speech, I didn't have to pay attention or force it. And so there is where I saw my potential of how I can be and become, if I live everywhere in every context as me walking in my world, and presenting and speaking as Me, and HERE I AM, speaking.
In addition to the above forgiveness on the people who were in reaction and possession, I also forgave myself for not knowing any better, cause I was also innocent. I blamed myself, and I allowed myself to be in reaction, and I also blamed them. I didn't know any better at the time. And now with understanding I release these reactions from my body as me. I release the trauma, the physical anxiety, the way I move in reaction to hearing such things, and seeing such people again. And I prepare myself to walk in my world as me. Where this is me speaking, here, hello, I am comfortable within myself, I am comfortable within my world. Hello nice to meet you. I am here.
So with this groundwork, I can apply this application in my daily life, in new context, in environments where I have been in before, to essentially recreate the memories, or the past, Redo them, Recreate myself, in the moment here, start over. Where I KNOW I will react and in those moments I recreate myself. I will live me, and walk into my world, within MY Body, and as it.
So we will see how it goes and what more I can learn!
My reaction so to feel stressed, depressed, misplaced, anxiety, unsettled. Within seeing this, that I what I am facing is literally my past in this moment, then what I have to do is walk this moment HERE, the only moment that is here, as the Me that I am now, that I direct here and now. The past is gone, even though people are here recreating the moments and living it as themselves, they are NOT me and I am not bound by the past, or by past rules, or by how I should be because that is how I used to be in relation to them. I can create here, how I am, who I am, in the moment, without Shame, without Guilt, with Peer pressure. I stand as the new me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to and respond to a trigger in the same way as I have done in the past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt and shame for not CONTINUING my role in the Past Relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not move on from the past relationship dynamics and be here as me, fresh in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to be positive, friendly, smiling and happy, instead of allowing myself to be me and respond as me according to what is here in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue within my past role as the victim as the sufferer, as the one that is annoyed, and having a bad time, instead of simply being me and being here, not with any preconditions or beliefs or ideas on how I should be.
I move on from the past now, i am here now. The past is gone. I create my new relationships here in this moment, through participation in this moment. Everything from my past relationships is gone, the history is gone, what matters is what I create with people here and live here.
I am not bound or held to honor the past, what is here is people, real people, and I live and I interact with people that are here now, not with the past memories or past moments.
I Live my proud differences, my proud development where I have changed and I am not who I once was before. I am not bound by the past, to be and live what I once did. There is no honor or value in reliving the past and just staying the same. The fake intimacy and closeness that I feel is simply familiarity or what feels normal, as what I have been calling normal and living as my normal. Normal is a definition that I redefine. Normal is what I create and live. And the good feeling of familiarity is untrustworthy and not something to base who I am and how I become in the moment. I let it go.
I am me, I am here. I create my life HERE, the only place I can, and in the only moment I can.
I am not a victim no more, I am not a slave no more. I am not a sufferer no more. I better my life, I take responsibility for my life and my experience, and I choose to give myself the best life possible within the principle of what's best for all, which simply means I am including everyone as the principle of Life itself as what is Truly best For Each one, even if they may not like it or may resist me.
No more victimization, I am here now, I live me.
~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is a Break Line in my blog because I wrote all of this above last night without publishing, and now this morning I have walked some more relevant points so I will just add to it here.
So what I did was bring all the trauma here and all the people who have spoken within anger and possession to me, which is something I reacted to within me. I started walking in my living room to the hallway and back and practicing walking into MY WORLD, showing that this is me, here I am, my strengths and my weaknesses, my good and bad, this is me. And I imagined everyone who has yelled at me, said nasty things to me, insulted me, said such things "you don't know what you are doing" are following me as I walk and are circling me as I walk in the room. I imagine they are all here, all the people. And what I do is self-forgiveness and forgiveness.
I forgive them for not knowing any better. What they are doing is unnacceptable, should stop, but I forgive them for the fact that they are doing it, doing something they shouldn't be doing, and if they knew it and knew how to stop it, they would, but they are in a possession and they can't stop, so I forgive them, I understand them.
That was my first step. My second step is walking into MY WORLD. So I am walking, with my shoulders back, my chest out to the world, and I walk as if this is My world. So comparing and contrasting this to not my world, which is how I have been feeling and existing, where I see and say that this is not my house, this is not my building, not my place, this belongs to someone else, this is not mine, I am a guest here, I am not the authority here. So walking into My World, is saying that this world is mine, in an absolute sense of this planet earth is mine, and everything and everywhere on it is mine, as it is my responsibility and belongs to me equally. So here I am in my world, and I express me. The same with how this is My Body, which is the Third Point I did naturally and immediately. This is MY BODY, and these reactions within me are not allowed here in my body. This is My Body, and this is My World. I am the authority here. And I found something curious, as I lived the point, and walked out of the reactions FOR THE MOMENT (cause I notice they came back later), that for the moment my mom asked me something I spoke in a deep voice very naturally and automatically without any effort, a kind of comfortable speech, I didn't have to pay attention or force it. And so there is where I saw my potential of how I can be and become, if I live everywhere in every context as me walking in my world, and presenting and speaking as Me, and HERE I AM, speaking.
In addition to the above forgiveness on the people who were in reaction and possession, I also forgave myself for not knowing any better, cause I was also innocent. I blamed myself, and I allowed myself to be in reaction, and I also blamed them. I didn't know any better at the time. And now with understanding I release these reactions from my body as me. I release the trauma, the physical anxiety, the way I move in reaction to hearing such things, and seeing such people again. And I prepare myself to walk in my world as me. Where this is me speaking, here, hello, I am comfortable within myself, I am comfortable within my world. Hello nice to meet you. I am here.
So with this groundwork, I can apply this application in my daily life, in new context, in environments where I have been in before, to essentially recreate the memories, or the past, Redo them, Recreate myself, in the moment here, start over. Where I KNOW I will react and in those moments I recreate myself. I will live me, and walk into my world, within MY Body, and as it.
So we will see how it goes and what more I can learn!
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