Thursday, June 30, 2016

Knowing when to walk away

Knowing when to walk away, is something I am learning. Like in a situation where someone is yelling at you, asking you interrogative questions or making accusations, where they are not respectful or considerate of you as a person with worth and value. Just walk away. Say: I will not be disrespected like this. I choose to go, to leave.

It's not easy. In such situations in the past, I have felt scared, worried, anxious, and nervous. There is a fear of how the other person will act or respond. Like they could hit you or yell at you more. Though we have to stand up for ourselves and our well being. We have to. Because who else will? We only have ourselves.

Living a life where everybody just walks all over you, and you don't call out the bullshit, and you just take the shit, is not a way to live for anybody. We need to have self-respect.

I used to think that it taking the shit meant you were strong and being kind to that person. I was wrong. We need to stop the shit when it starts coming out. Otherwise all of our lives will becoming shitty and full of shit.

Monday, June 27, 2016

My dream life

It seems fitting that since I had written about my dream/desire for the future world, that I write about my dream/desire for a school. I also placing this into words for the first time. In the past I have written about schools, and the experiences that children face based on what I observed of peers during my time as a student, as well as my own experience as a child. I have written also about my perception of sudbury schools. In fact, when I first came across sudbury school material online, I had this experience I felt, but I didn't put it into words.

Having worked now at a sudbury school, and being let go from that school, I have to be honest with myself and self-reflect on what I see is needed or missing, especially from this vision I have about what future I want for everyone.

Firstly, I do feel hesitant and fearful to say I want a certain future for other people, as if it is wrong or bad or unacceptable to want a certain life for someone. The reasoning is that you can't step over another person's freedom. But if I am honest with myself right now, I want a world where everyone is pushing me to live a life that is best for everyone, to become better, to become more, to become my most, and in such a world each one is doing it for themselves for real. So it's not just an empty 2 cents of advice but, something that each person lives for themselves. So if I follow the saying, do what other people do, then I am better off. I as a child would have wanted to be surrounded by role models that push for the absolute best world and best people possible. And guess what? I as adult want the same. So I will always want to be surrounded by people that do and live for and as what is best for all, no matter my age. I want a whole world filled with such people. So for children to grow, be raised by people, who are their parents, teachers, friends, family, that are standing for what is best for all, then those children will become what is best for all and live it themselves. Why is this so? I don't know. But it's just obviously so.

As a child, I would have liked seeing a teacher talk about something they faced as a person, a challenging moment and how they grew from that and learned from that. But I didn't.

As a child I would have like to have seen a teacher be vulnerable and shared who they were at a younger age and when they made mistakes, to show that they walked a process to who they are now. But I didn't see any.

As a person now I want to see such people. I want to see the honesty, the realness, the rawness, the truth. How many times do we share our struggles, our difficulties, our challenges, the negative? How many times have we shared how we really changed something negative about ourselves? Why do we pretend living is so easy and perfect?

I mean, cmon! What's the point of living this life if we are never REAL with each other? And we go through life never being real and walking past people who aren't real with us. That would be a sad existence, which is here already.

I want us to drop all the lies, the bullshit, the veils, the masks, the personality, and just be fucking real! Who's with me?

That's what I want. That's would have empowered me as a child. Instead of being sheltered, hidden away from the world, from real living experience. Life is hard, life is tough, and can we really say we are living if we go through life where no one shares how tough life is, and how hard things are, or had been for them? It can only empower us. So cmon.

Let's get real. For everyone, which includes children. If you are real, guess what, people you meet will become real too, which includes children. If you are upset with how unreal people are, which includes children, then look in the mirror and see if YOU are real. And see whether You have been perpetuating the problem. Because it does start with each One of us. If you blaming someone, point your finger at the mirror.

I want the absolute best life possible for everyone! And I want everyone to be the absolute best person possible! And I see that in order for everyone to have the best life people, each one needs to be the best person possible! See how that works? Life is about who you are! That is what matters!

This would truly be a dream life, and it starts with me! This is the age of Life, of real living.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

What to think about in your darkest moments

Something I love to think about or remember, is what I want for the world, for myself, for others. I don't know if I have ever really described it into words, even for myself. But I can feel it and see it. So I would like to share it here and put it into words.

I want a world where all things are appreciated and supported. Where everything is honored, and given what it needs. Where everyone does their part to ensure this reality. Where every human lives courage, care, regard, honor, love, support, resilience, persistence, righteousness, passion, giving, self-respect, accepting nothing less than the absolute greatness of this life, understanding, gentleness, kindness, sympathy, unwavering, and resoluteness.

I want everyone to hold this same vision inside themselves to remind them of it, so that we make it so.

Thursday, June 23, 2016


What is best for all
Oneness and Equality

No one can touch who self is. Only you have access to yourself. This means wherever you go, whatever you do, in any moment, you have self. Building yourself is the greatest investment. Being aware of yourself, and bringing yourself here is the best thing to do in any moment. To be yourself is the best way to live. By bringing yourself here, you bring the answers to questions here. By bringing yourself here, you bring clarity to here. By bringing yourself here, you purify what is here so that it is best for all. Cleanse yourself, repair yourself, through bringing through what is missing=== yourself. What is self?

Self is when you listen to the birds. Self is when you listen. Self is when you breathe. Self is when you move. Self is when you create. Self is when you touch, hear.

Self is when you are here. When self is here, everything that happens in yourself is what is best for yourself. 

I like to

I like to hear the rain fall. I like being here, to hear what is here. To feel the rain, to feel my body, to feel the ground, earth, grass, or sand. I like to hear the sounds. I like to touch what is here. I like feeling the texture, the consistency, the nature of something. I connect with what is here by being here. I connect with the presence of something. I enjoy the presence of the rain, the birds, the sounds, the furniture. I feel myself, my own body. I enjoy my presence. I enjoy the presence of other people. I enjoy myself observing and seeing. I enjoy listening to the sounds. I enjoy this moment. I am here.

I like to make things better. I like to see improvement. I like to see progression. I like to help. I like to make things better. I see everything as an extension of myself. I see myself in everyone. I see myself in everything. I see myself as big as the ocean, and as small as a speck of dust. I see the ocean and dust are one and equal. I see we are all one and equal.

I like to try new things, to learn. I like to learn. I like to see, observe and understand. I like to explore. I like to hear. I like to listen. I like to sense. I like to touch. I like to breathe. I like to teach. I like to show. I like to share, to give. I like to help.

I like to understand myself. I like to see why I do certain things. I like to know what is unknown. I like to discover what is hidden. I like to make things better.

I like to question. I like to doubt. I like to ask why. I like to see whether something is true or false. I like to test things out.

I like solving problems, puzzles. I like figuring out a puzzle, an answer to a question. I like seeing all the different sides or perspectives or dimensions to something. I like to take on different points of view. I like to find an answer that prevents conflict, fighting or misunderstanding, something that all sides can agree on. I like to be the neutral observer.

I like to build, to construct, to move, to create, make.

I like to feel my heart beat, the pressure and flow of the blood in my veins. The warmth of my blood. The skin and texture. The hair. The nails. The muscles.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

I am Oneness and Equality

I am terrified of sharing the 100% unadulterated me. Me without any filter. Purely me.

I am a rare person. I haven't met someone exactly like me. I have met people that are like the most important part of me. But they are few. They are like me in that they are committed to doing what is best for all for the rest of their lives, even into their after life, and furthermore into infinity. Such people that you see in their words and behavior that stand for every single speck of dust, every single animal, plant, human is rare. I wish it wasn't rare. I wish it was common. I wish that every parent would explain to their child the value in every single thing, the value of every single plant, animal, person, that there isn't anything fear, and there is only things to understand and get to know. These people who are alive who walk among us are walking a process themselves to become fully what is best for all. This fully means in every moment, their mind, and body would be aligned to what is best for all completely. This is a process and would take years. You can imagine that within the content within yourself, none of it that is supporting ego, supporting fear, separation, anything that is only best for a few and not all, inequality, that that would take a long time to really remove that and really become someone better. That's the reality. It's impossible to change in one moment, like becoming enlightened. Though there are many that will claim they did so. That is a lie. Doubt any person that says how much they can help you and how much they have changed. And ask that person HOW did they change, and from there you can try it out and see. Otherwise whatever they say is Blah Blah, like magic and fairy dust. Albeit, you may try out what they say and it doesn't work. But that is how you find out what doesn't work. So then you move on.

I started my process of walking what is best for all when I was like 6. What started it for me was simply going to school, meeting kids, the teachers, and see how it was such a complete mess. The way people treated each other showed me how much wrong there is with every person. I mean its quite blatant and in your face. It's no secret. So basically from there on I knew that I had find a way, an answer. When I was 19 years I finally heard for the first time the words "best for all" spoken truly as what it is. I knew then who I am, and what I must do, and who I must become. Since then for the last 7 years I have been changing parts of myself. This includes thoughts, imaginations, memories, fantasies, desires, fears, emotions, angers, sadness, blame and much much more. Because in order to change yourself, in you need to change the parts of yourself. And so this includes the parts of your mind. For example the thought: "I can't do this" that repeats is obviously not best for all. Because then you always give up! So to become what is best for all requires changing that which isn't what is best for all in your mind. The alternative would be of course, not changing, and continuing to think things like "I can't do this" "I am not good enough" and only finding ways to cope, and suppress, and just live each day like its a burden. Because these thoughts they have an effect on you. They are not only restricted to the seclusion of your mind, no. They affect your body, your health and they bring up emotions like sadness, anger, self-pity and these too affect your body. AND this can happen all without you being aware of it, because chances are that you separate yourself in a different part of your mind where you actually start thinking positive thoughts and think everything is alright. So here you are in one part thinking everything is good, when there is another part of you that is thinking how horrible you are, but you suppress it. And eventually it comes up again, because that is how it works. Its not really gone. To really change something and make it go away requires facing it head on, not suppressing it, and to actually understand it. Understanding is the only way.

There are things incredibly wrong with people. Having been 6 years old and seeing this and understanding this at such a young age, this understanding has defined me, my purpose and mission in this life. In one moment of interaction and conversation the depths of a person is revealed. And the reality is that we are so horrible. And this you can see and hear directly in how people speak to each other, as well as how one speaks to oneself. How often has one judged another person? How often has one attacked or become angry at another person? How often does one only focus on the problem and find someone to blame? How often does one explain a situation and tries to find a solution that works for everyone? How often does one understand the reason behind something? How often does one listen? These are just questions because you know who you are, and you know if you are running away from a part of you or are avoid seeing it.

My whole life is committed to committed to bringing forth the solutions to the problems. To what is wrong. One great first step is to embrace every problem. Embrace every problem you see in this world or in this life, and embrace as yourself. See yourself merge with that problem as if that problem is one with you and equal as you. See it as no different, no more, no less than you, that it is not foreign. Do so there is no resistance, no reaction. So that it is a real genuine embrace. Every problem is in fact one and equal here with and as you. By making this movement within yourself to actually embrace you will show to yourself how and why this is. Self is the start and end of every problem. And so Self is the start and end of every solution. It all starts with self.

This is the solution of oneness and equality, which is just the reality of things. We are all in fact one and equal with everything. How many people actually live these words? Imagine if everyone did. Imagine if only you did.

I don't Know

I have observed within myself how the words "I don't know" have been a instrument of disempowerment, of shame, of inferiority, of problem of stress. So, I decide to embrace the self-honesty of not knowing so as to empower myself, and change my relationship to the truth of not knowing. What I see is a vast history within our relationships where those who know are regarded as more valuable. For example knowing the answer to the questions, knowing a subject like math or history, or knowing what you want to do with your life etc... To say, I don't know is like a sin, at least that is how we treat ourselves, and so others. We teach to our children that it is a sin to not know something. This is most well shown within the role of being a teacher, which is not restricted to the paid profession, but includes any or all interaction where one becomes superior within what one knows and speaks from that superiority.

A life lesson I have learned is that wherever superiority exists, inferiority is created elsewhere. So when I feel superior in relation to knowing something, I automatically am preparing the experience of inferiority for when I don't know something. So I am creating my own torment through participating in the seemingly positive side to the equation. Though for those who know math, the positive and negative must be balanced on BOTH sides of the equation. What I described here is the act of balance.

In honesty, take a look, each one is born knowing nothing. So if we really believe not knowing is a problem, and is something to feel shame or inferior about, then that would mean that every baby is also shameful or inferior for not knowing anything, and is the epitome of that! So of course, this is stupid. Then why do we value knowing and devalue ourselves? Can't we see the problem this is creating and how it is not compatible with a Life? Life doesn't care about knowing or not knowing. It won't judge or value someone based on that. When you die, all of your knowledge can't help you.

So its not a problem to not know. It doesn't mean their is a problem with you. That you need to change. It doesn't mean that you are wrong, inferior, less than. Not knowing is simply not knowing. That's it. Nothing more or less. And it certainly doesn't speak about who you are. You are not a piece of knowledge. You are not knowledge. knowledge is something you use, which becomes just a part of you, and is stored in your body. It doesn't define you. You define you. That is how its even possible to believe it is a problem to not know and have that affect your life, because you have defined yourself in that way. You define you.

Embrace the honesty. Forgive the shame. I don't know, make that simply a statement for when speaking truly. Knowing when you don't know empowers you. Empower yourself. Support Yourself.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

What do you do when someone lies to you?

I am going to be writing about something that has been haunting me for years. It is my first relationship. It will be about the abuse, the lies, and the deception I faced. It will be about how I didn't call out the abuse, the lies or deception, and how I didn't stand up for myself. It will be about how I will learn, change and be better for me. Writing this out here is how I start to change into being better for me.

So, my first relationship was with a girl I met in college. I had spoken with her a few times. We hanged out. She had told me that she had broken up with boyfriend. However, this was a lie. I am someone that would never date someone or do anything with someone who was still with someone else.  After we had our first kiss she had then called to break up with her boyfriend, who was in her home town. I only found this out later when she had went back to her hometown for break and had kissed her ex-boyfriend. She was deciding who she wanted to be with.

What I should have done when I found out that she kissed her ex-boyfriend or when she told me she had lied to me was to break it off right there. Because I don't want to be with someone I can't trust. But I didn't do that. Instead I still held onto her.

I am the kind of person that will commit to one person. I would never kiss someone else, or be with someone else. And I wouldn't lie or manipulate someone into a relationship with me. I would only date someone who wanted me for me. But, I didn't have the backbone to pick someone who I wanted. I only waited around to be picked and wanted. This is a flaw. If I had the decision to only pick to be with someone that I wanted to be with for who they are, then I would be much better off.

I know that sometimes you have to take a risk, where you risk being lied to and screwed over. But how I respond to finding out that I was lied to defines me. I should have ended it right there saying, no thank you I want to be with someone who doesn't lie to me, I respect myself.

What I did, accepting her abuse, accepting this abuse became my own self-abuse. This has been haunting me. There is a sadness that I would let this happen to me. There is an anger that I would let this happen to me. That I didn't stand up for what's best for me. I don't miss her. Everything we experienced was based on a lie, and I was interested in building a life and being committed, she wasn't. But I do miss myself. I need myself. I need myself to stand up for me. To say no to abuse.

People do lie. People do deceive. So its important to call out the abuse and lies. This defines you, not them, when you call it out. I have been living with a shame within calling out lies or abuse, as if I am making them the abuser or liar, when that is not the truth. It part of some design of being good, and so seeing no evil. Giving everyone the second chance. When really giving a person what they actually created for themselves, is how they best learn. You reap what you sow. So its important that I don't enable abusers, or liars, to take advantage. They must pay the price. I must protect myself.

This pattern that I am describing here, is ubiquitous, it applies throughout my life, it is a part of me. I need to have more self-respect and stand up for myself more. This is a process to change, to become this way. It won't happen overnight. But tonight is a great step.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

How does it work? Fostering a connection with someone

So I was doing some self-investigation today and I realized something. I was looking at human connections, and how I haven't realized that connections between people is something that is out of my control, or at least not completely in my control. Because what I am seeing when I reflect on my past is that I have a grievance in relation to perhaps 100 people, or many many people that I have met and known, where I wish, want, and blame myself for not keeping the relationship here, for it ending or not going further than it had. Though now with having a more discerning eye and self-honesty, I can see how in fact that for all human relationships that the connection you have is temporary. So for example I can see how 2 people meet and have a connection, and that connection will last any amount of time, it can be a second, a day, a week, a month, a year, or more. That initial connection forming is out of the hands of the people. For example, someone can't decide just to have a connection with someone. Because it takes two people, and it depends on who they people are usually, and for example what they are going through, what phases they are going through, whether they are moving, or other factors. There are things that determine whether a connection is there between people, and this is out of anyone's hands.

So when I look further, I see that the best example for connection is like a small flame or small spark of a fire, like a candle. So you are walking around and there you find a candle. That represents the connection between two people, you and someone else. So after you find that connection or flame, then you have the power and control to foster than flame, build that flame, build the fire. So firstly, there is a skill of recognizing that there is a flame. Because for many they may not even see it. And secondly there is another problem, where someone doesn't recognize or see that indeed a flame is gone. A connection that ends could be for many reasons, which are out of your control. They can be the need to move to a new city, it can be death, it can be changes or shifts in a person's life, and also who they are may change, these are just some of the reasons for ending of a connection. Though the problem that happens is when a person doesn't understand or recognize a connection has ended and it is outside of their control. Where they remember there being a connection and seeing now there isn't anymore, so they go out looking for that connection again, and they may blame themselves for not keeping the connection alive. So what needs to be understood is that we don't have complete control or power. We are not able to just make a connection anywhere. For example, you can't just build a flame or fire anywhere, like in the soaking rain for example. And this is out of your control.

So, there is a problem I see where we think that we can do anything, and form a connection with any person. The same as thinking I can just build a fire anywhere. When that is not how creation works, though that is what I thought creation was like. I though that creation meant I can create anything, anywhere. When in reality, creation is more like searching for a flame that you can then foster, grow, support, and build. Creation is more of a patience, and also caretaking movement, of a nurturing force. Creation isn't just something forced or done anywhere. You can't force a seed to grow faster than it grows. All you can do is to support it, create an environment that fosters growth. The same with you/me in our lives. Focusing on creating an environment for our growth is how we grow well. And it takes time, plenty of time.

So  I releasing all the blame now with understanding. The blame towards myself for the connections not being here. When it was out of my control. Instead I recognize that a connection is simply there. It is either there or it isn't. So to be clear, when you work with someone this doesn't require a connection, because the work you are doing is what brings you together to do the work. And a connection is something mutual, or at least that is the only way it can work. A connection isn't something one way. And also there is no point to holding onto the memory of a connection, in hopes of creating it again or keeping it alive. A connection between two people is not there then it isn't there. It requires two. For me, I have been holding onto my memories of past connections, within self-blame and hope. A connection is something that is more easier, and not something forced. It is there. THough while building the fire, yes it requires effort, time, diligence, though it is all doable. If it is hard, you are making it hard through the mind. It will challenge you for sure, but it will flow. A connection that is stagnant, is not a connection anymore. Sometimes a connection will be challenged, so within this time you only give what you can give, and if it doesn't survive the challenge then it doesn't survive. It's not completely in your control because it involves so many other things, including another person, as well as everything going on in their lives and also in your life.

The analogy I am using to support myself is imagining walking through a dark woods at night, and as you walk you will encounter small flames or sparks. These are potential connections. You can stop by these sparks and nurture them into a fire. But how long they will last is not up to you, because suddenly something like a the rain or other outside factor will cause the flame to end. This isn't your fault, its just time to move on. Though you do determine with the time you do have with the flame, your part of nurturing the flame, that is where your power and responsibility lies. So when a flame ends, you just walk. How much time between finding the next flame is not up to you. For some it will be quick, others much longer. This isn't what is important. It is just a part of life. One part. And it is here as part of your own self-development and those of others. It is something mutual, and something that is best for all.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Watching your pets

Watching your pets.
Watching them move.
Watching them play.
Watching them watch you watch them.
Watching them experience their own bodies.
Watching them preparing to go to bed.
Watching the pet, as watching yourself
Learning and observing them. Learning and observing yourself.