Monday, January 28, 2019

Day 692 Another addendum --- Sex, Past Relationships and the One

Link, 1st blog on topic :
1st Addendum:

So today is the second Addendum.

I have had several different points come up in the last few day and half that would add up and be part of this original mind system of Trauma of Being Alone.

The first was a more sexual one. Where I have had a problem within masturbation where a certain line of thought would come up of: "you don't know what you are doing!" so what I did this morning was look at this line of thought within the context of the Trauma of Being Alone, and what I have opened up recently. So within that it became clear that I was digging into my Past Relationship and sexual encounters. One of my past partners said to me "Yogan, you don't know what you are doing, you have good intent, but you don't know who you are."  So I started doing self-forgiveness on Trauma, Self-hatred, Agony, pain and torture as connected to sex and masturbation, and my sexual expression. In order to release this point and connection of the past. Because if you read my blog on Being Alone and trauma of it, you would see immediately the clear connection that I lived for that distraction that belief that I am not alone, that I can escape my own pain and self-torture through people, through relationships, through being on people's good sides.

In all three of the relationships I had, I was dumped. And in is was that MOMENT, of the person's dumping me, that reaffirmed my belief and trauma of hating myself. I blamed myself for breaking up with me. It was my fault, as I thought and reacted at the time. It added to my hate of myself. Which of course is silly, and not true that's its my fault. It's stupid to blame oneself for the decision that someone else's makes. They could have just as well decided differently. Each person's decision is always on them. Just like my decision within letting myself exist in this self-hatred, though I understand the ignorance I was in, and lack of understanding of the mind and how to change.

So that moment of being Rejected, is one flag point, one dimension for me to correct within and as me in real time moments. Rejection doesn't have to affect me at all. I see the potential of that, and it starts by paying attention to this trauma of self-hatred, agony and torture that is my own constant experience for so many years, that is just energy, just mind. I can stop it.

One thing I noticed with sex with one partner was that she would always go very quickly, and if I look at a physical level, I didn't like that. Though my nature of being submissive and in so much self-hatred, I didn't say anything, for the fear of speaking up and driving her away and so have to face the pain of being alone.The truth of course was that I was already in such trauma anyway, its a lie that I was somehow free from it being in a relationship or having sex. Not true.

Anyway, so I didn't speak up to my partner, and she also didn't speak up to me, I notice. It was just assumed. That moving quickly was good. So looking at a physical level, I would have enjoyed moving much much slower, and really paying attention to my physical body, and be much more gentle and relaxed. I kind of also sense that it was work for her as well, a level of impatience.

So this resonance or presence of moving quickly in sex was imprinted on me I see, where at times in masturbation I do move in such a quick way like how I did with person, or how I experienced it. And because this is what I experience in sex back then, and I had considered that good sex, when it wasn't, that left that imprint, that lie and dishonesty.

And of course what is holding it in place is this self-trauma of being alone as agony and torture!!!!! The very point that held it in place, and kept me from being honest, which I am now releasing for good!!!!! So now I can see the point here, and the imprint and I can change it now. So I am. I have done the self-forgiveness. I can feel the weight and pressure here. And the waters calming inside myself.

This was above was one point from this morning. There was another here at night/afternoon.
Its not something I could express in words very well, because its such a point, so I did a vlog on it instead. See below.

So after doing this vlog and looking at the point here, I see the following solutions/corrections that I should have lived and can lived especially whenever such an energy is here. The energy is like a kind of painful excitement with this ONE person, one destined person for me, my fixation on the one who will save me from my torturous trauma of being alone with me...

well first off that give me, myself, time and peace. The time to do what's needed for me, the best for me. To give me my projects, my comforts, my physical things, my physical time to live.... cause the experience of this one, is like sacrificing everything for this one, including my time and my peace. So I give myself time and peace to live unconditionally. I am the one. I am the person. So I live for me. Within that, if I share my life with a person, with a one, then they will be one, and i will be one. Bother of us are our own one. So if we come together we are two. So simple math, lololololol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek and search for the one, the one I can obsess over, and give all my time and energy and thought, and they can save me from myself, from my self-hatred, from my trauma of being with me alone.

I make myself the one I need, and the one I have.

Sunday, January 27, 2019

Day 691 Update and Addendum to yesterday's blog

Yesterday's blog:

So first an update. Things have been pretty quiet in my mind. Like I have the moments where the thoughts and experience would come up, and they start to creep in, but then I remember and am applying my application in the moment to change with understanding. And so I change it, I stop the thought, mind chatter. Negative backchat. Feeling Nervous or Anxious in relation to conversations/messages. I remember the point that its connected to this Trauma of Being Alone, the pain, the agony, the self-hatred, the torture. and voila! done. And just the eerie quietness of the moment, of being alone. That is eerie because its been so long, so not my normal.

If it wasn't obvious, within this system, I have been living my life, I have been pushing in every such way for expansion and growth in every dimension and way I understood thus far. I have been accepting every challenging, embracing the possibilities of new moments, and doing all the self-forgiveness on these very same points throughout time. So the blog, like so many others, are a culmination of who I have been in the moment throughout my process. Just what's cool, is that now I can see and understand this resonant trauma that has been in the background, yet consistently steady within me throughout me, throughout my day. And I realized that after writing that blog and rereading it and reading the self-forgiveness, that all of humanity or the vast majority can relate to it, that are living it. Because this would explain many such behaviors and patterns in movies, tv shows, and media like porn, including romantic novels and such for women. Where that experience of being alone... that pain and agony, like everyone's got it. But who actually dares to face it and change and be free? I don't believe anyone can just right now decide to be free of it, its impossible to do in just one moment, WITHOUT many many many moments beforehand of preparation, of work, of understanding.... but many such moments beforehand, then yes you will eventually change in one moment. Everyone can. It just takes time. ANYTHING good takes time. Anything REAL takes time. Everything takes time.

So this wasn't an accidental realization, this was a constant effort, and a team effort. I didn't do it ALONE. I had many many people support me specifically, in specific ways and they were mostly destonians. They were destonians being themselves, being their presence, being their process that they have lived. Sharing their process, sharing themselves, being themselves as they shared themselves online, sharing their self-forgiveness, sharing their realization, sharing their darkness, their difficulty, and their victories and transcendences. Logically and Rationally it makes sense that people who are living real change, and changing in such deep ways, that their mere presence supports you, BUT, until you actually live it and know it, you can't Imagine it what's it like for someone whose walked this desteni to support you in this way. It must be lived, experienced for you to understand.

For you to understand that when someone else is COMPLETELY stable in who they are, and that the only possible source of a reaction is YOU, that is a great support. That supports you, by simply them not reacting and being stable, and that helps you realize that everything you are thinking or saying is coming out of you, it is your words, it is yours thoughts.

I had a great catalysis of support the last month and a half, through such people being open, sharing themselves, and just supporting. So completely relax, so completely taking responsibility for themselves, so completely walking their own individual process to the MAX. That is how this world will change through people, these people. That is how change is going to happen. And I am just one part, one puzzle piece of this grand mosaic of process.

Now for the Addendum, I had one other dimension of the mind come up in relation to this overall system of Trauma from being Alone.

It relates to God.
 So something that I experienced right before the starting the desteni process. I was 18 still, and I had believed for many years already since I was 13 years, so for already 5 years believing that there were guides, and spirits, and higher selves, and beings existing that is guiding me on my path, and that God is watching over me, making sure I am where I am supposed to be. So already believing all of this, I started to create a kind of communication, or so I believed, with my guides, which a lady told me I had 3 such guides and that they were 3 kings. And so what happened, while I would be just sitting in my room trying to like connect with this higher energy, was that I would hear a Knock in the Room, a very loud and clear knock like on the ceiling. Like a snap, very quick, very brief, just a hit on the roof or walls of the room. So while within this intense energy, I started to believe I was being communicated with by such spirits, by my guides, and specifically it lead to me feeling like I was bad/wrong, like a knock would be telling me something bad that I did, like with thinking.

Basically, I saw this point today because again I heard the ceiling make such a sound and I felt something in my solar plexus. Now I have already worked on this point for a long time, including self-forgiveness way back in my process, as soon as I started it. Because they made it very clear through the portal that all such communication with heaven, with guides beings were cut off WAY before like in 1999. So everything that happens is through your own mind systems. So I immediately questioned my own communication and stopped it, which took time, it was a process to do so. But I was adamant and fierce about it.

So anyway, this morning I heard the knock, and I felt the reaction, and I saw that I could be holding on to it because it felt like I wasn't alone in the room, which is the whole trauma point. So I approached it from that angle. And I went ahead and see what happened. It did diminish some, so it did have an impact, BUT it was still there. So then I saw that this is probably its own dimension point, so it would be the sixth point in the system, adding on to the other five. So I did specific self-forgiveness in that moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my communication with my spirit guides so I won't feel alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my communication and connection with some entity, some being, some higher self, some god so I believe I am not alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel protected and guided by god, by my higher self, to feel like my life is guided and destined and controlled.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be told I am bad and wrong in a moment by some knock in the wood of the ceiling so that I feel I am guided by something and I don't feel alone, that I can just relax and drop my guard down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad, feel wrong, feel dirty, feel evil, feel like I am no good, when believing I am hearing some communication from god or some spirits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow feeling bad, like I am bad, and wrong, because at least I didn't feel alone, that I could feel like someone or something was telling me I was bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the morality system within me, of feeling like I am bad and wrong for doing certain things and being who I am. 

After doing the self-forgiveness I felt the relief from my solar plexus, and energy. Releasing the knot. Releasing the pressure. This relates to the trauma of being alone, the suffering, agony and self-hatred because looked to god and prayed to god, WHY AM I LIKE THIS???? Why can't I fit in?? What's wrong with me???? And I believed God and my higher self had a destiny for me, and that they they would guide me to become BETTER, to be my utmost. So through accepting and allowing this experience of feeling morally bad, like I did a bad thing that I would be guided to change the points about me that would allow me not to feel the trauma of being alone. Which is of course silly. Trauma only exists in you, not in any one else. Its simply to be released and stopped for good. To get to that point, a process needs to be walked, the very process I have been walking since I was 18/19. Process takes time, its best to start right away.


Oh and I got a plant! I am calling it my baby. I know that people call pets their babies, and actually call babies.... my baby. But how about with plants huh? A specific relationship to a specific plant in your life. I have had such moments with specific trees that I would go to, and visit from time and again, and just look, and rest on them, and just enjoy. So it sits next to me on my desk. Right here, where I spend most of my time after work, doing my second job online, which is this process. And while I watch a movie on my laptop or such.

Saturday, January 26, 2019

Day 690 About Being Alone as a Trauma

Being Alone
There is a system within me that 5 parts to it. Each part relates to this Trauma of being Alone growing up, being alone as who I am, being alone as my story, being alone as my past, the physical behaviors and ways I act out due to this Trauma of being alone.

The 5 parts of the system are:

1.     Feeling/Thinking my life is meaningless and purposeless. This is very well captured by the end of the Bohemian Rhapsody song “Nothing really matters, anyone can see, nothing really matters, nothing really matters to meee…. Any way the wind blows….”

These have been constant and consistent backchats in my recent days going back to several years. Where I would try to stop it and stand up from it, though never really ending it or changing it. But I did use this as a starting point to write out my purpose to become a data scientist and use that money to create my life and support the life of others. So I didn’t let it stop me, I worked with it however way I could. Now though with seeing it as part of this grander system of Being Alone as a Trauma, maybe it will finally end.

Like I am laying in bed and a backchat thought in my voice says, what’s the point of anything, there is no meaning in my life. And seeing how being alone is this point, I am alone, I have no meaning, no purpose, no persons in my life, I am alone.

2.     the second point is feeling Nervous and Anxious with sending an email to someone or a message to someone, and seeing they replied and being very afraid of them hating me or being angry at me. I am nervous and anxious about them leaving me, leaving me alone. The same nervous and anxious energy and presence is here when I speak or write to someone where I am speaking in such a way where I am scared of losing them, them leaving me, so I end up speaking a lot, or saying a lot of things, and really speaking in an insecure nervous way. Like I am anxious to see them. I am anxious being alone, I am so anxious and nervous that I will be left alone and see no one again. This reminds me of some dogs that would act this way, and bark and bark and bark when you leave them alone. They don’t want to be alone, they are anxious, nervous and scared. They don’t want to be alone. That is the nervous and anxious experience of mine when I am speaking/writing someone online, or talking on the phone.

3.     Pornography. I have a long history with porn where I did face already many points and transcended many points, except this one. This one has been nagging at me. And I didn’t understand why I couldn’t let it go. Now I think I got it. Its part of this system. So its basically the positive polarity to all of this negative energy and emotions from the system. I go to porn to not feel alone. To feel like I am with someone. Some of the porn would be games where it would simulate dates. And so simulating dating and having a girlfriend. I understand that it gave me that feeling of intimacy/connection or belief thereof so that I can escape and manage feeling alone.

Flirting. Flirting relates to this porn point above, and as well as generally feeling excited and all those feelings that come with talking to a feemale, who is smiling, and flirting back. Basically the same point, it serves the positive polarity of the system, so I don’t feel alone.

4.     Crying- way back when I was like 13 or 14 I would cry in my bedroom, saying aloud, what’s WRONG WITH ME!!!!! Why doesn’t anyone LIKE ME!!!! Why can’t I change!!!!! Oh god please!!!! (I believed in god and was praying to god) And I was full on tears. This happened many times. In present day, I cry when seeing certain movies or videos or tv series, where I am seeing everyone happy, being together and not alone, and I WISH I COULD HAVE THAT SO MUCH. To not feel alone. So I cry. The crying involves emotional pain, agony, trauma, torture, and self-hate.

5.     Accepting and allowing my mind to speak to me, knowing it’s the mind, just so I don’t feel alone. There have been things the mind says to me that is abusive, and hateful. I have tried to stop it, and stand up, and live my life. Though its there. Now I understand why. Its because at least I wasn’t faced with being alone, so even though I have diminished the mind and pushed back the mind in so many ways and to such extreme, just this one little part and area that it had left, I left it, because of this. Now, it seems like after letting go of this system, there won’t be anything left of the mind.

So playing piano, and masturbation as self-touch, and generally enjoying myself and having fun, has been a difficulty the recent years. Before the recent years it was easy and fun. So I know this is a system, not one that was created in recent years, but one that has been there for a long time. Its probably I wasn’t ready yet in the beginning of process, but in recent years I was. And it has lead to this point.

I don’t know what will happen once I release this system as a whole. We’ll see. This is a  big step for me, I can tell. The final puzzle piece. It’s almost hard to believe. Well, let’s just do it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within the trauma and pain of being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak and share, and search for social contact within the starting point of feeling the pain and torture of being alone, and so then feel anxious and nervous to lose someone, lose a conversation, to be left by someone, and so be left alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for a simulation of people through porn games, through videos, movies, images, tv series, where I can feel not alone, where I can pretend I am not alone, where I can go into that distraction and high of believing I am escaped my hell of trauma of being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cry and shout/yell at myself, WHAT”S WRONG WITH ME!!!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pray to god, why am I alone? Why doesn’t anyone like me?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cry within self-hate, agony, torture, and trauma

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the mind to continue to exist in some spaces in my mind, just so I won’t feel alone, just to avoid that pain, torture, and trauma of being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to let the mind speak to me in abusive ways, and spiteful, violent ways like imagining myself being choked by someone, and things like what’s wrong with you! You don’t know what you are doing! Which I allowed simply so I won’t be completely alone, as I considered that at least someone or something here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to flirt with females, and try to find the spaces/places where I am open to be flirted to by females, where it gave me that positive high and distraction from being alone, similar to how I use porn dating games, to simulate not being alone, feeling not being alone, where I could imagine a life with someone, and imagine never being alone again, and feel that positivity, and relief from trauma of being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel meaningless and purposeless without having someone, without having people in my life, where I let that take away my joy and enjoyment of playing piano and self-touch as masturbation in a physical way without mind or energy (same applies when playing piano)  because doing so, I did it alone, I played piano alone, I was alone with myself with my body, and that triggered by emotional trauma of being alone.

I let go of my past, of my trauma and pain, all those years in elementary school where I felt alone, in middle school where I felt alone, in high school, and in college where I felt alone. I felt alone for 12+ years of my life, feeling I relate to no one and no one could relate to me. I was in such constant emotional agony and pain that I got used to it. I got numb to it, that seeing these energies seem like something I can easily miss, cause its not “that bad.”

This has been my life, this is what I lived, so I let it go. 

I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say aloud “I have always been so alone throughout my life.” and say this in this emotional way of feeling sad

Thank you for reading my blog,
as a special note: Eqafe has launched Eqafe Unlimited, which allows you access to the entire library of Eqafe for a monthly subscription, just like Netflix. Its cheap and affordable. I have used eqafe to find and search for a point I had trouble with in process, such as anger, or fears. It always gave me that extra hint/clue to help me along in opening up a point in writing. Check it out!

What You Allow to be Done to You Reflects Who You Are - Relationship Success Support

A relationship can be something that brings out the best parts of us, while at the same time helps us to better face our own weaknesses. But if a relationship is creating the opposite effect and we are more and more slipping away from our potential - that is a sign that we need to reassess what we are accepting and allowing both from ourselves and from those in our life.

Why do we create conflictual relationships of self abuse over and over again? Is the relationship worth keeping and fighting for if all it brings is compromise and fear?

Friday, January 25, 2019

Day 689 Age doesn't matter

So I'm writing this blog because of something I observed about myself as I got older, and observed about other people who are older than me. And what is leading me specifically to write NOW, in this moment is watching this video. See Link:


So she started dancing ballet 70 years ago and she never quit.

So something about age is funny. Like I mean, I am 29, I don't feel like I'm a different person when I was 13, because of my age or number. I'm still the same person, and the ways that I have changed is not because I'm older, its because of who I decided to be and my decisions to change, and what I decided to do in front of challenges and opportunities.

So there are things that I love and will always love. Because why on earth would getting older change things that I love to do? It wouldn't.

So its not strange at all for someone who is 80 year old or 90 years old to dance what they love to do, because they are the same person as before.

Like  another perspective is liking looking at who I am when I am 40, years old. I will still be me, I am not suddenly more wiser or whatever. If I am in its because of what I do during that time. That is how come you can have people who don't grow at all, and they are still like the same as they were when they are 40 as when they were 20 or whatever, and that could be in the bad sense.

I suppose the thing that we assume is that people who are older are better or more wiser, when that is not true. Its not because they are older. The same with being younger.

Another area that has come up, is when older women flirt with me, and I can understand like what's going on in them, that even though they are older that they are still the same as who they were when they were like 20, because on the outside you get older but on the inside you are the same. So if you are someone who for example has that kind of awareness and integrity not to do something bad/awkward, then it doesn't matter what age you are.

Like age is a deceptive thing because as a kid I placed value in how my teachers looked, they looked older than me, they looked old. So you assume they know things. When I grow up and see I don't magically change with age, I realize they were just people too. And that as you get older into your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, you are still just a person, and you are who you were as you were younger. You are not magically different. Someone who is 80s years old is not different from someone who is 40s, I mean not for that reason of how they look or their age. So you can talk to them as a person. The same goes with kids too.

Like we are all going to get older,  and we are all people. Your fucking age doesn't make that major difference. You are getting closer to death, but pfff... who isn't? We all equally will die and only have this moment guaranteed. So when I see someone who is 90s years old and doing what they did since they were 70s or 50s or whatever, or they are learning something new, then that is great in the sense of a person doing something, but its not overly special, except that its special in how a person is not letting their age define. So yes FEEL your body, BE HONEST about where your body is at, BE PHYSICAL. Bodies age and get injured. But don't like age and getting older stop you. So that's why I say age doesn't matter.... when it comes to living and doing what you love and just being human, there is so much more that age doesn't define than you THINK.

Thank you for reading my blog,
as a special note: Eqafe has launched Eqafe Unlimited, which allows you access to the entire library of Eqafe for a monthly subscription, just like Netflix. Its cheap and affordable. I have used eqafe to find and search for a point I had trouble with in process, such as anger, or fears. It always gave me that extra hint/clue to help me along in opening up a point in writing. Check it out!

Relevant eqafe interview:

Are you living an age appropriate life? Are you at the place you’re supposed to be according to how old you are now? Are you holding on to dreams and aspirations that belong to someone younger or older than you?
In this recording, discover how our relationship to age does not have to define or limit the life we create.

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Day 688 Just a Daily Life Moment of my investment in my Career/Future

I am reading this book, ideally one hour everyday, but realistically it may be like half an hour on workdays, and then 1-2 hours on the weekend days. Basically though, consistency. This book is highly recommended across the internet for getting into data science, and basically for learning how to use the tools commonly used in data science on the R statistical software that is open-source and free to download. The book is also free to download, but i ordered it because being able to write notes and hold the book in my hands and take it places is way too useful especially in my days where it seems every minute/hour counts.

I plan to apply to 5-10 schools in November 2019. With at least 3-5 being top schools, and a handful of backup schools, because I can still do well and learn in schools that aren't so great. And right now the market is in such a high demand for data scientists that it won't matter as much what school I come from, at least right now.

What's great about the book is that it has tutorials and guided exercises on using R in the book, that will help me apply the very tools.

It feels tough doing this, to add some another responsibility on my daily life. But I know it will get me to where I want to go/be in the future. It is a physical challenge, one where I am lets say, rewarding myself for, by giving myself much needed breaks and motivation. I do need motivation, and rest. I do feel the challenge, the stress, and simply not being motivated. So I am trying to make it fun for me, and play a funny video, or watch something short online.

If I could study all day everyday, that would be ideal, but I work for money to live. So yeah.
So I do need the motivation, the thing where "if I read so and so pages", I will then reward me by watching this video I wanted to see online. And I play also relaxing calming music that helps me focus. So really making it as pleasurable and enjoyable as possible.

I hope getting into this data science career will empower to do more things in my physical reality, and the physical reality of others. So here's to That!!!!!!!!!

I also had an idea now to take breaks to draw/paint too. Hahaha

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Day 687 Allowing myself to have a good thing?

So, there was this moment where things were so good, and so great, and what I noticed was that I was avoiding it, like physically avoiding it. And I was like, wait a minute, I am avoiding this... and its something good, so why not just let myself live it, jump into it physically, you know? So I did that, but then something happened where I immediately shifted away from the good thing. I went into my head, and that's where I kind of stayed. And now I'm writing this blog. So,

So I got some work to do to understand this and what's going on. I kind of messed up this one opportunity, but its expected since apparantly I really suck and really shy away when it comes to joining in something physically that is quite good with another person. Like everything is okay and safe. The context is okay and safe. The moment/environment is safe is good, is here for me if I just, you know, own it, own the moment and just live it.

Agh, its hard. hahaha

anyway this why im writing here to open this up, to learn and change.

Its embarrassing to actually write this and say this and know this will be read. And I can see how embarrassment is part of this. Like in the moment, being embarrassed to live openly, just be happy with someone, and express with someone that happiness of this moment with them.

When I was in the moment of speaking where I was in my head, I lost that sense of happiness/enjoyment, it was like being a robot, where I spoke to speak, but that enjoyment in expression that could have happen, didn't.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed to enjoy a person, and enjoy a moment with them, and just live that enjoyment and happiness here openly, for them to see, for all to see.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear just standing in front of all, and just yelling/expressing the truth that I am enjoying this moment and I am going to live it and be it, and continue this moment, continue creating it, and not stop in embarrassment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed being happy, and expressing physically in my voice, in my self, in communication with another.

Embarrassment shouldn't exist in reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing embarrassment to exist.

I commit myself to live as being real, being happy, enjoying a moment as it is here, enjoying a person as they are here, and just live unapologetically without embarrassment for how much I am enjoying this moment.

Thank you for reading my blog,
as a special note: Eqafe has launched Eqafe Unlimited, which allows you access to the entire library of Eqafe for a monthly subscription, just like Netflix. Its cheap and affordable. I have used eqafe to find and search for a point I had trouble with in process, such as anger, or fears. It always gave me that extra hint/clue to help me along in opening up a point in writing. Check it out!

Relevant eqafe interview:

Monday, January 14, 2019

Day 686 Reacting in Worthless - Seeking Comfort and Manipulation

yesterdays blog:

Continuing with yesterday's point on Worthlessness in me while looking at how it relates to being Comforted.

So as a child growing up in worthlessness, I didn't seek to change the worthlessness directly, because I didn't know how, I didn't have the tools that I have now that I learned from Desteni ( So what gave me a momentary pause or distraction from feeling worthless was feeling comforted, and being comforted. Now looking at how this developed over the years its interesting.

I remember some of the first crushes I had on women, when I was like 9 years old, that it was with girls in my class who were nice to me, and paid attention to me, who seemed like nice people. So I was being comforted in that moment. And it was very specific, like the smile of the person, making feel that I was being accepted and welcomed.

Fast forward, I can see how with women I dated, how it was something simple as the woman smiling at me, which would bring that Feeling of Comfort. Where I was distracted from being Worthless. So it was a physical action, a moment where a woman physically smiled at me and spoke very nicely to me and positively to me. And when that moment ended I was back in feeling/being worthless. So naturally, when I was in relationships with women and during the moments that we kissed and were intimate, I was being comforted, and that worthlessness was away. It was an action, it was a physical symbol/sign that I was not worthless, and I was being comforted in a physical way. And when the kissing stopped, it was right back to that worthlessness.

Being comforted is part of this design. It serves to protect the worthlessness, through distraction, through enabling it. And not only that, when the kissing stopped, most often initiated by the woman I was with, then I would feel angry/resentment and blame. Because I wanted it to continue. I wanted to continue to be comforted. I wanted to not feel/be worthless again in this moment!

You can imagine how unhealthy being this way in any relationship is like. Almost something akin to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Such a split between realities of heaven and hell. The torment of moving one to another. The torment of being powerless and depending on someone else to give that to you. It's horrible.

There is something disarming when someone smiles at you and is so friendly for any person, where with your own worthless, its like the person is letting you drop yours for the moment. Unfortunately this is not the same as transcendence, and being independent in living the change point. It doesn't work like, simply smile at someone and free them. Indeed, it can be a point of abuse/trickery, where you know you can manipulate someone else. And that is my next point.

There is manipulation existing within me, because to have gotten these relationships, and even attempting to get into new one, requires manipulation while I continue to exist in worthlessness. Because how else can I get anyone to be with me, someone so worthless? So naturally manipulation is the way. And that is where Ego justifies the manipulation. What else can justify manipulation but ego?

I have lived manipulation in the form of being very nice, and romantic, and so similarly play on someone else's worthlessness.

With another woman, I have lived manipulation in the form of guiding a person to express their views on something like politics, in a very simply way like being Left learning or Right leaning, through just asking direct are you more left or more right? And in that how I say it, I make being Left the correct answer, the answer I want to hear. So also playing on a person's worthlessness through making them feel like I am agreeing with them and being friendly to them.

And the ego's role is to justify what I did, as right, as my choice, as my freewill, and that I was being GOOD, and SINCERE, and being NICE to the person!!!!!!!!

Of course that is what I as ego would say. Of course. Just brush it all under the rug for no one to see ever.

Without all this crap, without all this worthless and fear. Without the need for manipulating someone, because of seeing myself as worthless in the first place, and without the ego coming in to cleanup the mess, something like a Hitman, or a Specialist or Fixer.

Fucking-AAAA I would be free to be me unapologetically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use comfort as a distraction and an alleviation from being Worthless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for staying in Worthless when I was younger, because I didn't yet know, see or understand yet how to change it yet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the woman I was with when she would give me the comfort and then take it away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in this dimension in my mind where I believe such things as me being worthless, and someone else giving me comfort, and me manipulating another, and me being ego and justifying it, when all the while that is not the reality as physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the mind is real, and me being worthless is real, and someone else giving me comfort is real, and me manipulating someone is real, and me justifying the manipulation is real, creating this whole drama and alternate reality in my mind that is made real through the flow of energy drawn from my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enact and act on manipulation due to saying/seeing that I am worthless and need to manipulate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge and act with Ego to justify the manipulation and hide that I am manipulating by saying I am good and right.

Thank you for reading my blog,
as a special note: Eqafe has launched Eqafe Unlimited, which allows you access to the entire library of Eqafe for a monthly subscription, just like Netflix. Its cheap and affordable. I have used eqafe to find and search for a point I had trouble with in process, such as anger, or fears. It always gave me that extra hint/clue to help me along in opening up a point in writing. Check it out!

Relevant eqafe interview:

Sunday, January 13, 2019

Day 685 - Reacting in Worthlessness

Being/Feeling Worthless

I felt and believed I was worthless because as a kid I was quiet, shy, I didn't know what to say or what to do. I didn't know how to have conversations or speak. When it came to the girls I had crushes on, that I liked, I didn't know how to speak to them. And to one particular girl who made me her friend, who was super friendly to me, and spent time with me, and invited me to things, I felt/believed I was still worthless, I was too worthless to be with her. I was too worthless for her. I am quiet. I am shy. I don't know how to speak.

This self-perception carried on within me. As I grew older and met other girls/women that I had crushes on, that I eventually dated, I still saw myself as too worthless to be with them. As I was with them, held hands with them as we walked, I still saw myself as worthless. I was afraid to say something stupid or I was afraid I wouldn't know what to say. I was afraid I was still too quiet, too shy, too inexperienced, too socially inept.

I have still carried this around in me, even though since I was a kid I have learned much and practiced much in terms of speaking and communicating with people. In terms of reading social cues, and in how to approach certain subjects. Not only that, I have developed great qualities, like being courageous and very honest/direct with people, being open, willing to put myself out there, take risks, being comfortable with myself, being at ease with people and being patient and listen to people. I am someone who perseveres. Does this make me worthless?

Being worthless should be erased as a phrase from existence. No one should live/say I am worthless. No one.

I was afraid as  kid, and I didn't have much experience and practice. I didn't know how to face fears and stop them, something I was able to do with desteni. See  Ideally this is TAUGHT to kids early on, where kids are shown how to work with things like fears and really release them for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe, say and think I am worthless, and too worthless to be with people, to be friends, or to date.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe,say and think I am too worthless and cannot change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let anyone say, believe or think that they are worthless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing worthlessness to exist in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not enough, I am worthless, because I was way too quiet as a kid, I felt so shy, I didn’t know how to speak well and clearly, and speak without fears, and present myself well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not good enough and worthless to have friends and girlfriends because I was shy when I was younger, and I was different and I am still different now, and I embrace my differences, I embrace my truth/honesty of who I am and how I see the world, and how I relate to the world.

I embrace my differences, I embrace my truth, I embrace where I am in this point in time in my process, and I embrace ME within that.

Thank you for reading my blog,
as a special note: Eqafe has launched Eqafe Unlimited, which allows you access to the entire library of Eqafe for a monthly subscription, just like Netflix. Its cheap and affordable. I have used eqafe to find and search for a point I had trouble with in process, such as anger, or fears. It always gave me that extra hint/clue to help me along in opening up a point in writing. Check it out!

Relevant eqafe interview:

Thursday, January 10, 2019

Day 684 I have someone dependable, reliable here and its freaking me out!

I have someone who is dependable, reliable, is THERE, and it is freaking me out!

Cause my systems are activating... What are these systems? What is happening within me?

I am going into self-doubt 1. I am second guessing what comes up within me as what I would normally say to the person and share with the person.

I am feeling a strange constant state of happiness for no apparent reason 2.. I see this is here because I believe/see I have this person here, they are always here, they are reliable, they are going no where, an its a FACT. So in my mind I'm reacting in this strange constant happiness.

Another way to look at it, is that it should be normal and the norm for people to ALWAYS be there, to be so trustworthy, and reliable, and simply SHOW UP in the relationship... that its so normal its boring or not exceptional. And we can live normally.

3. I am getting quiet and reserved because of 1. where I am second-guessing myself, not trusting myself, because I am afraid of saying something STUPID and losing this person. I am fucking afraid.

4. I am also getting quiet and reserved, because I get overwhelmed by 2, and then I just black out, I just start falling asleep or start imagination or start drifting in thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow second guessing and doubting what comes up within me to share/express with the person, which I would be normally express with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a feeling of constant happiness, just cause I know that they are ALWAYS there, and they are reliable and dependable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a constant fear of losing them, because of me doubting myself, and what to say, where I don't want to say anything STUPID.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be overwhelmed by positive energy and constant happiness that I just black out and enter in my mind and drift along, including drift off to bed, and drift off into imagination and dream land.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel comforted when someone is always there, reliable, dependable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy knowing that someone is always there, dependable, reliable.

I am dependable and reliable for many many people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the stuff of dreams when I see this person being here, and I have them here, they are here part of my life, reliably, dependably, seemingly infinitely so.


So I wrote all of the above yesterday, and I haven't published it yet. It was what I needed to write just to work on the first layer of energy. Now I am going to work on the understanding and connecting the dots.

I am seeing multiple lines connecting with inside myself. How I have defined what a dependable and reliable person is, and how I have a specific relationship to these words and how I have lived it as energy in the past. Basically it is how I described above, but it may not be so clear to people unless they really stop and take a look. I am participating in two parts simultaneously, with having a person who is dependable, reliable and showing up as the trigger point. So to explain the timeline, there is a person who has consistently showed up and been a part of my life for a time period, and then that realization or the awareness of that dawned on me, and then my mind system activated. I have been calling it a freak out, and it feels like a form of insanity.

The reason why I say insanity is because I am simultaneously within a positive energy and a negative energy, and everything just feels unsettled, I don't feel like myself. I am feeling content/happy and satisfied and I am feeling afraid and scared. And it gets really weird as I describe the exact nature of this experience. I am feeling this odd comfortable FEELING and it overwhelms me, like I literally feel like passing out into a slumber, and I am resistant to reaching out to anyone, or contacting anyone, I suppose the best way to describe it is like what I would expect enlightenment from meditation to be, like pure rays of happiness coming out of seemingly nowhere and placing you in a stupor. It really does fucking suck and its fucking tiring. But it is tempting, and I had no idea what the fuck was happening the first few days in it.

So secondly the point is fear, where its like I don't want to contact the person, and whereas before communication on my part was open and free-flowing where I just shared whatever was here, it was now like second guessing and self-doubt and just not sure what the fuck to say, and so what I end up saying was more often than not, NOTHING at all. Its just so fucking stressful to deal with what to say!!!! and again I wasn't like that before the system triggered.

So the fear too also reaches a point of being overwhelming.

SO I got both parts here, equally the best parts of the perfect storm, feeding off of each other, getting stronger and stronger.

I have had moments where I had friends that I just made as a KID and I saw them as THERE and dependable, and they are my friend and that won't ever go away...... and then they moved away.... That was like a traumatic moment for me. It so fucking weird though why. But I placed so much emphasis on that one person... and what I am seeing is that this left this mark as energy and as a system within me, where I get stuck in that past moment of relishing/enjoying my friend and then being destroyed upon hearing the news that they are moving, and that I wouldn't ever see them again, and I didn't have the chance to say goodbye! Anyway, the energy was like a snapshot image that I brought with me into the next moments....

So I say fuck you energy, Im going to change. Normally I don't say fuck you, but fuck it, this has been way too fucking much and been going on way to fucking long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay within this trauma and past moment of losing a friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay within positive energy and negative energy as feeling comfortable with having someone dependable and fearing them leaving or dying, or moving, or whatever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow this comfort energy within me, to make someone Dependable, and showing up in my life, as someone special, that warrants me to feel this comfortable, everlasting happiness that comes out of nowhere.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view a dependable person, reliable person as like my saving grace, as like my one true joy or desire, that that will fulfill me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a dependable, reliable person that shows up in my life consistently, to be like my heaven and the thing I fear losing most.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change who I am , and going into positive and negative energy, when seeing a person as now someone reliable/dependable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question the energy of comfort, relax, satisfaction as positivity any sooner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge and naturally float to positive energy and consider it natural.

I realize I have been having a similar relationship to trees in particular since I have for a long time been calling trees as dependable and an example of being dependable. I realize I have made trees my friends, in the sense and context describe in this blog, where I have been retreating myself to the trees and into positive energies as comfort/satisfaction, and thus limiting myself. I have been limiting myself by not putting myself out there with people, and only staying within this particular situation I have sequestered myself to. I realize that its not healthy, and this is not the true form of trees. I realize too that I was traumatized, and have been staying and repeating in this same trauma for a very long time. I realize now I understand my trauma and how I have been repeating it, so I can let go now and stop.

posted below is a eqafe interview that I see is relevant. Also, an announcement that now there is Eqafe Unlimited for one small monthly payment get All of Eqafe available to you. Plus there is online streaming now as well!!!!

I am going to be focused on my living now. Who I am, and changing myself in the moment to not allow or accept this energies within me, positive or negative, and let go of the trauma/pattern of the past as memory, and start living a new, as me, as my expression and openeness and being here living in the moment and interacting fully here.

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Day 683 (Staying inside your Shell)Socializing is weird

Socializing is the weirdest thing.
I am just reflecting here.

Like today, I get home, I do some things.... I don't FEEL like socializing or reaching out to people. I don't FEEL like it. I am happy and content as is, and if I reach out to someone.... they might not reach out back... maybe they are busy..... maybe they just don't want to right now.... maybe they just don't want to talk to me, OH THE DREADED FEAR OF THAT!!!!! Fear of Rejection!!!! AHH!!!!! OHH!!!!! NO!!!!!!


So I'm reflecting here, its weird, why would I ever reach out to socialize??? Why bother???

I am happy. I am content..... with just me.... alone....


But I know something.
But I know there were memories and times before in the past. I know that there are people I have a history with, a past with.But I'm forgetting it....

Its weird, why do I feel like NOT reaching out to people and socializing, when i come home from a day's work????

I can hear my mom complaining to brother having an arugmentative conversation... I remember my family nights during the christmas break.... the awkward silences, the awkwardness, the shear difficulty to speak and share and open up intimately, without blame, anger, a weird sense of positivity that is fake.....

I remember my work week, the same thing... awkward moments of complaints, of being passive aggressive, of hearing people speak in irritation. Is this human relationship? Is this what normal is?

No wonder, I would rather stay away from socializing... to run away from people... to be happy and content alone.....

yet, I remember the times I had, how relationships can be with people, how people can be. I need to REMEMBER..... the potential,, the history with people that I have online that are in my life, even though they are online and a 1000 miles away. I need to REMEMBER.... I can't forget....

It's so easy for me to forget..... its so easy for me to exist in my bubble of protection alone, content and happy.  So easy.....

I can't let that happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I have just decided that I'm going to make hiding in my shell the theme of my week!!!! Meaning I'm going to really focus in on this point and look at it in all dimensions.

Cause Here in these moments I felt good, and I was hiding in my shell, feeling tired/resistant to socialize with people, get to know them. I felt too tired/resistance to reach out to people. It felt bothersome. Because I felt comfortable where I am at, in my shell. The SHELL is something to FEAR!!!!!!!!!

And I don't fully understand it, but I have a sense that it does relate to being introvert, and relate to staying away from people, and creating this feeling of comfort/safety in being ALONE....

So im going to start with some basic self-forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel comfort, safety, and happiness in being alone, where I don't want to reach out to people, I don't feel like contacting people, I feel like being alone and being left alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel this comfort like being in a shell or the womb of my mother, completely having everything I have and everything I need and everything is perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be like those episodes that appear in several different tv series, where the heroes are trapped in an alternate reality where they have everything they ever wanted, they are VERY happy, their life is perfect, so they forget about their mission, and about the people they care about, and they have to fight to overcome this fantasy of perfection and happiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drown in happiness, good, feeling and comfort in being alone with me, within me, just me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not reach out to people, to not contact people, to stay in touch.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay within the fantasy and illusion that everything is perfect and good and I can just stay in this feeling.

I realize that as an introvert, and as myself as Yogan, i have lived a very much solitary life, very much alone. I have developed a comfort in being alone. I have lived that for a long time. I have lived alone for a long time. And I Have to fight to overcome this feeling of comfort, to want to stay ALONE!!!!!!!!!

I have a resistance to reaching out now, to say something intimate, to say what I am seeing, say what I am perceiving, what I am going through...... I am in my shell.

I think my pattern may be that when I am uncomfortable being alone in my shell, then I am extroverted and seek people out!!!!!

But when I suddenly feel comfort again, and feel my life is good, then I retreat into my shell, and I stop interacting, stop contacting, and hide..... in comfort.

There is no motivation, no outside stimulus.... I have hidden. I have to overcome this.

This is my past. This is my challenge. 

Friday, January 4, 2019

Day 682 My Perspective on the Principle of what is best for all

The Desteni of Living -

Declaration of Principles

1. The Principle of What is Best for All

Guiding myself in thought, word and deed to always, in all ways, direct all things to the best possible outcome for all.
Taking into consideration the effects of my thoughts, words and deeds on the world around me (people, plants, animals, environment) and ensuring that the thoughts, words and deeds I am living honour the best potential of myself and all of life on Earth, to the best of my ability.
Standing unconditionally in the shoes of all people and all things, and being able to at the end of the day say that I have fully considered all within the context of creating the best possible outcome for everyone and everything – that I have honored and considered them in the way that I would like to be honored and considered. 

(There are 13 principles in total, click the link to read them all on the Desteni Website.)

For me, what this principle practically means is like the Jesus Message, do onto another as you would have them do onto you, except that it applies to every single being, or person, or thing that exists simultaneously. Where it requires expanding your consideration to include the Earth, all the animals, all the plants, all the people everywhere across the globe, including the future people/children that don't exist yet. It includes everything that can be considered life itself, where a rock is alive even, as that very dust of rocks can form the minerals of your human body. Looking at it this way, life isn't about preventing death as death is inevitable, and a vital part of Life, as it simply recycles what is here and reuses it to create new forms of Life. What does matter heavily is the quality of Life and our interactions and treatment of each other and each thing that exists. It should be obvious that making sure that the planet is well as a whole, and nature is healthy and balanced, including all the humans that exist, all human populations in all parts of the planet, in all the countries, no matter where it is. To have one country very well off, and rich in resources, while others suffer, and everyday continues as normal is NOT acceptable. Because to do what is best for all IS to do what is best for ALL. Without exception. No one can be excluded from the ALL. And sometimes killing is what is best for all, like an animal that is suffering from a disease or injury that cannot be realistically/practically fixed/remedied. Sometimes the same is with a person. So the strict morality of good/bad is not what is best for all.

What is best for all, is what is best for all. It is what is best for the group known as existence. It is what is best for everything that exists, without exclusion. It is viewing things from a global perspective. Practically it may be best to start with people in you everyday life, to see what it means to be your best and do your best by them. Here, you don't have to be a hero that joins the Peace Corps tries to save every poor person in Africa, but you can still do that. You can even by just focusing on your current Thoughts, your current state of being, your current consideration in the smallest of things, like whether you are present here within saying Hello. Whether you take responsibility to clean something even though you won't be recognized or paid to do so, simply because it has an impact, it is best for all. Working on all these little habits and behaviours are important. Because if you just change just yourself in all the ways you can so that how you are, how you live, what goes through your head is best for all, than that there is taking responsibility for your part in creating and being a part of the All. Because you are part of All. Don't exclude yourself from the group of All, of existence. You are part of existence, you exist!This was one of my early mistakes to exclude myself from the All, in what is best for all. So you do want to make sure that you are well off!

Focusing on yourself, you do want to make sure you are financially stable, that you tend to your physical needs and physical health. You do want to make sure that you care for this body and this you that is part of this very Life and existence. I mean how can you care for anyone else or support anyone else if you cannot even do that for yourself? Whether it comes to your mind or your body? So it is to be practical. This is not a mission of self-sacrifice or suicide. This is about you being a reliable person that is a reliable building block that forms the structure of the future of Life itself. Because inevitably, what is best for all will start manifesting on a more global scale. And yes, your word has impact, what you say online can support others. That is why blogging and vlogging is so important as it is one way to interact with people across the internet, across the world. It is just as important as an interaction with a person in everyday life.

A phrase that helped me early in my process was to give myself the same life that I want everyone else to have. Which means a life full of expression, and responsibility. Because I obviously wanted other people to stand up and change! To be the voice! So I have to do that as well. And I obviously I would want to live well, with full of expression. And so focusing on my self-expression, my self-enjoyment through physical self-expression is part of living what is best for all. Because we ALL have forgotten and have difficulty in just enjoying ourselves in simple self-expressions, that we seek to do things and activities for fun, or we seek PEOPLE to be our SOURCE of fun, instead of being fun and enjoying WITH people in your reality, and inviting them to join you! Imagine all the problems with ADDICTIONS, and feeling depressed, and bored that can be solved! When you become the very expression and source of fun in your life, where you create. That is part of a balanced life and part of what is best for all. Again I say, GIVE yourself the same life you want others to have as well. 

Living what is best for all will radically change your world, and this very world itself.