Yogan's Journey to Life

Socializing is the weirdest thing. I am just reflecting here. Like today, I get home, I do some things.... I don't FEEL like socializing or reaching out to people. I don't FEEL like it. I am happy and content as is, and if I reach out to someone.... they might not reach out back... maybe they are busy..... maybe they just don't want to right now.... maybe they just don't want to talk to me, OH THE DREADED FEAR OF THAT!!!!! Fear of Rejection!!!! AHH!!!!! OHH!!!!! NO!!!!!! Anyway, So I'm reflecting here, its weird, why would I ever reach out to socialize??? Why bother??? I am happy. I am content..... with just me.... alone.... But, But I know something. But I know there were memories and times before in the past. I know that there are people I have a history with, a past with.But I'm forgetting it.... Its weird, why do I feel like NOT reaching out to people and socializing, when i come home from a day's work???? I can hear my mom complai...

This morning I reflected briefly how I was having a series of perfect moments, where all was really good and going well. I saw I was having some perfect moments. And when I saw this I immediately felt a fear, because in movies and tv shows, and other stories, whenever things are going its BEST, that is when something bad happens. So I felt a fear immediately that something BAD is bound to happen next. So my reaction went from fear to kind of suppressing ignoring that I was having such perfect moments in my life. Then I caught myself. I ended up doing self-forgiveness on this fear, and I went back to embracing/seeing and simply recognizing that I was having some really good moments, a series of them all one after the other. I embraced that and went on my day. The result was that I was really enjoying my day/time. And in a way, kind of giving that joy and relaxation to others, where I smiled and was relax while saying hi. I did have other moments of challenge, where what was ...

Love is now a feeling I can identify clearly within me. I can see it within me as a trigger to this video game. I can see it trigger when watching this or that movie. I can see it trigger in my memories with this person. Love is a feeling, an energy, which doesn't need to exist. Looking at how it works, how it exists within me: it is triggered by various media. And the moments that I felt love as a feeling with another person, was also triggered by the moment, by the situation. One memory where I felt love as an energy was when I was laying down and holding my girlfriend at the time, the bed was comfortable. The image of the place was perfect. And I felt the energy I generated within me attached to this moment. What is interesting about feelings is that they are attached to only particular or specific moments. For example, you won't find this love when the same "loved one" is yelling at you. How useful can the feeling of Love be, when its not there when you need it?...

I feel inadequate. I feel not good enough. This is what I feel when I think about writing today for my JTL blog. Its the end of the day now. I was painting my aunt’s old house, which will now be rented. I am helping to paint it which is more because it’s a family favor. They could pay someone to do the work, but they say they don’t have money. When I look at what they spend sometimes, to me they seem to have money. It seems to me that everyone is very greedy and willing to abuse others to have the most money, even if its very little. I wouldn’t paint it for money, I wouldn’t paint it all, especially if they would have the money. Of course my family, like what seems like everyone else, has a large debt. All because of stupid selfish reasons. Many americans are stupid, and waste so much money. I mean they waste their lives away too with other things, which they buy with money, like relationships, vacations to Disney World, or music, parties, dances, clubs, strip clubs...