Yogan's Journey to Life

I have been applying a practice of being Silent with points that I am working with, when I know that speaking about it would compromise me in some way. Its like I know or can tell that if I were to share this thing I am working on with someone or certain people, that it would disrupt me in some way. How I know? I suppose its the deep intuitive knowing. You just know. So the difference is that now I am doing that on purpose, I am listening to that knowing. And so I am being quiet about certain things, certain projects, with certain people. We could analyze here the practical reasons and the playouts of why and what happens sometimes. But I think I will leave that to you the reader to figure out and see for yourself. So how I see what i am doing is that its a technique, and its a way of living/doing things. And that it makes me strong/stronger. Because its about me implementing and creating points for me. And that very success matters. And taking responsibility for my word, my word...

I am afraid of disrupting things. I am afraid of standing out. I was masturbating the other day within using my body and physical expression, and so without using my mind. Not thinking about women, not thinking about any images. Just purely physical expression. And I have a fear. I have a fear within being independent of stimulation of women, and their images. I have a fear that if I were to ever have a relationship with a women, and I tell her how I am committed to not be stimulated by her as an image or her as an idea. That with sex it would be a pure physical expression where I am responsible for my own orgasm within that, and that so is she. Where it is an act of self-expression and not a stimulation of the mind through triggers and reactions. I have that fear. Because I fear standing out, being different, and not being accepted by others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being a different human being. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ...