The most important thing that I can offer existence is to show that its possible to live and exist without thought, emotion and feeling. To show what its like to no longer feel insulted, intimidated, scared, worried, love, hope, sadness, excitement. To show what it is like to smile for real, laugh real, spontaneously in the moment, unplanned.

Monday, March 25, 2019

Day 703 When Responsibility becomes Manifested

So I read this line in my last blog: "Accepting that I did something, the worst of me, is the first step in taking self-responsibility and self-change, and accepting that in the face of irreparable consequence is the first step to freedom."

https://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2019/03/day-702-fear-from-my-past-relationships.html

So I have went through events recently and I have seen I need to Live the word Directive.

And that Living Directive is actually the Full step of Fully Taking Responsibility. Because its preventing consequence.

Being the word Directive means directing what is inside of you in the moment by doing the self-forgiveness in the moment and stopping the mind point so you are clear and empty inside of you in the moment. Being Directive is THEN asking yourself how do you direct this moment to what is best for all.  And then you speak and you move.
           The Living word Directive is you being here and directing the moment and taking full responsibility for the moment by directing it in all aspects and dimensions. It is a presence of yourself. Your voice changes, you stance and posture changes. Who you are changes. You Live and become Directive in the moment. You Direct the situation, the moment and the people, to what is best for all and you do anything/everything that is needed.

So when Consequence does happen, it is important to  accept what has happened and how you allowed that moment to happen, that is the beginning half of taking responsibility. The second half and so the full step is to be directive and direct the moment to prevent the consequence. It does demand perfection, it is pushing past your boundaries, limits and comfort zones. It does require being completely here, in the moment, with the moment, with the situation, people and things in the moment. Emphasis on the people, things and what is happening.

I need to be Directive more often, in more moments of my day. I need to live it in more moments so that it becomes more natural, more learned, more integrated in the memory of the flesh of my physical and the matter of my being. I need to live Directive in the contexts that I am weak and susceptible to abdicating my responsibility, becoming like Jello. I need to change my past and preprogramming. I need to change and become something new.

What I observe and foresee is that when we live Directive, we are creating a foundation of security, trust and reliability that truly allows letting go, relaxation, and moments of Joy, Peace, and Celebration. As within, so without. As with Self, and so with the World Collectively. Among Friendships and Relationships. And for the moment we are Living Directive, and for whoever is in the moment with you.

I have simulated a relationship among two people, it can be any kind of relationship, but when these two people are together and neither of them is living Directive, the relationship is doomed to fail, there will be plenty of conflict, awkwardness, consequence, insecurity, being uncomfortable. Living Directive is necessary. And when I simulate both persons being Directive then it works out well. I have experienced this myself.

Due to the compartmentalize nature of the mind, with certain people and certain contexts its either easy or its a challenge to live Directive. So don't judge yourself as someone that sucks or is great at living Directive. Have you mastered all contexts? Or do you suck in all contexts?Probably Not.

You can do it. Just gotta let yourself do it.


Here's a relevant eqafe recording: https://eqafe.com/p/self-as-origin-taking-responsibility
Pay a small monthly fee and get access to all eqafe recordings

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Day 702 Fear from my Past Relationships

From my past relationships with women...


I am afraid of saying or doing something in the heat of the moment and regretting it…

I am afraid of doing or saying something I can’t take back…

...I accept the worst of me and the worst that I can do. I accept that it can happen. I accept that it can happen that I do say something that makes the relationships irreparable, that ends it, I can that accept that I can be saying right now as I caught myself saying it. I can accept that I just said/done such a thing.I can accept that I just lived the worst of me. I can accept what is happening right now. I can forgive myself for doing that. I can forgive myself even though there is a consequence that no self-forgiveness or self-change can undo. I can forgive myself even though the consequence is permanent. I can forgive myself wholly/fully. I forgive myself not for the purpose of undoing consequence, but because I did that, I created that consequence, and I accept that I did that.... I take responsibility.

Accepting that I did something, the worst of me, is the first step in taking self-responsibility and self-change, and accepting that in the face of irreparable consequence is the first step to freedom. And forgiving myself for doing the worst of me, I do that for me, I really forgive me for doing that no matter what may be transpiring now as a consequence to what I did.

I can accept that in some future moment I can do such a thing, it is possible, and if I do, I do accept that I just did it and/or doing it now, and I can forgive myself for that, and I do it wholly for me. I can accept that I can create irreparable consequence, permanent consequence in the future with my words and actions. I won't live in fear of that...

From my past relationships with women...


I am afraid of saying or doing something in the heat of the moment and regretting it…

I am afraid of doing or saying something I can’t take back…

I can accept what is here. I can accept the worst of me, and work with what is here, and what the consequence is. I accept it. I accept what I can do in the future. I accept what I did in the past. 

I take responsibility for whatever I say or do, or will say or will do. And I accept any consequence/result. I obviously won't be trying to create consequence.... but I accept any/all that do and will happen.

As long as I stick to this, then I have nothing to fear in what I might say, or might do and any consequences of that.  

I accept the reality of the moment and all that is in it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear saying something stupid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear accepting that I said something stupid.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear accepting the consequence from doing something stupid. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear of starting a new relationship, to fear saying something stupid in the most intimate and vulnerable of moments.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear saying or doing something that causes a person to break up with me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the potential of starting a relationship because it opens up the potential to be broken up with. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to at very beginning of a real possibility of a relationship, to expect rejection, expect failure, expect difficulty, an uphill battle, resistance and just not being wanted around.... all because of holding onto my past within me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel doomed to repeat my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be naturally me, not naturally expressive, and to exist within suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed talking about such points as a potential of a new relationship.

And I change me here, now so that I won't freakout with the potential of any new relationship that may come my way. I change for me and others.

I am not bound my past. I choose to live here, be here, and be who I am, and see where life leads me. If life leads me to a potential partner then I will explore the point. If it doesn't then it doesn't. But I won't be defined by my past any longer.

Monday, March 18, 2019

Day 701 Embracing Myself

So I was asked the question: can I embrace the worst part of myself?

This wasn't the first time I consider such things as EMBRACE myself, embracing myself, and the evil, dark sides of me.

So a practical example of the dark side of me. Not so long ago, maybe 1-2 weeks I was irritated, tired, and started to say some underhanded NASTY things about someone to someone. This is the worst part of me, at least in the Now times, or times of Today.

So that's the practical example....

Now here I have something NEW to share.  So the OLD is that I have done self-forgiveness many times, and taken self-responsibility and I would totally do that with this situation. But the NEW here is this approach which is like a Living Word of Embrace....    Its a warm hug or embrace of me.

The perfect Image to describe this i me running up to hug ME, and I look today and that is me as a kid, or just me but shorter. But you know when a kid runs up to you and hugs you and looks straight up to you? That is what that image/moment is. So a real nice warm hug or embrace. So in such a moment where I am truly my nastiest self, darkest, worst part of me... if I live that as a living word, a living self-movement, a movement made in the moment within me, of embracing me, giving me a warm hug, and seeing down and seeing ME, being the one warm hugging me... And me being the warm giving the warm hug....

Well, how can I really continue being nasty, the worst of me in that moment? I cannot. Its impossible. That warm hug reminds me, that this is me, here I am, I can take responsibility and change in the moment. I can literally change in the moment from being dark and nasty, to being warm to others, being friendly, present and here.

So redefine embracing to a living word of a Warm Hug. And so I live that in the moment when I am reacting as the worst part of me. This is my commitment statement

I commit myself to live the word Embracing as the living word of a Warm hug when I am reacting as the worst part of me as being Nasty, and Irritated, and Tired.

Thursday, March 14, 2019

Day 700 - A quiet space within me

This morning I found out something about the mind.... a memory from when I was told "Yogan, listen to me you don't know what you are doing" OMG I can't believe this...You are so weird and different.

So I did self-forgiveness on this moment/memory and the reactions... and I had a peace within me. A quietness. The reaction that was haunting me was held together by LOVE. I loved my friend, and he was the one that told me these words. So because of Love I listened to him and believed him. Because of love I validated his opinions and beliefs about me. And it stayed with me. Love is unnecessary. I realize that. Because you can hug a person, you can talk to a person, you can do anything with a person, and you don't need LOVE to enjoy them. Love is fear. Fear is love.

Test it out yourself, when you love someone, will you take in whatever they say about you? Don't you start to accept more shit, don't you FEAR to lose them? You do. That's the human nature or human mind. And I am changing that human nature and human mind within me. That's what's so extraordinary about self-forgiveness and the desteni process.

You don't need to fear to lose anyone. You don't need love. All you need to do is LIVE all the things you would normally live that are great about relationships: the playing, hugging, conversations, support, standing by, intimacy, showing up, helping, listening, sharing.... all of that has nothing to do with Love, it has to do with all of these others words... like depth, intimacy, caring, enjoying each other, stillness, depth, playfulness.

We THINK as humanity that Love is some ALL POWERFUL force that must encompass ALL GOOD feelings, everything GOOD in the world, that if you don't have LOVE then you can't enjoy, you can't feel anything, you can't have depth, intimacy, playfulness... BUT THAT"S NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its not true. That's a lie. Love is just one word, one expression. It is just one system. We can redefine love, sure we can. But as a system of Fear... love doesn't need to exist at all. As how it exists normally it can be removed. The love you see in stories, the love you feel when you start out in relationships, its something perverted. It is an accumulation of your hopes, dreams and desire for relationships. It is ego. It is FEAR.

And this morning I removed the point in this memory that has held by love. And now I have freedom from that burden of Love as Fear. I didn't want to lose my friend... I accepted their abusive words as true.

And I carried that within me this whole time. And the lesson is LOVE. That I can't let any Love within me to justify believing ANYTHING. Belief should never be based on someone else's opinion. And that is one area that Love corrupts and destroys so easily.

We DON"T need Love. We don't. Just remove it and you'll be good.

WHAT  we do need is Respect, Support, Care, Nurturing, Attention, Growth, Maturity, what is best for all. Anything that tolerates abuse MUST END.

Redefine love if you want. But never forget and never hide the truth of Love as a system, and what was allowed by and through love... which is the abuses of the world.

At least for me, it seems I can finally relax. At least for now. But its so sweet and so good. Finally.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow abusive words from another because they are my friend and I loved them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow to see myself as bad different or weird, because my friend called me that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Loving your friend means letting them abuse you.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly trust a good feeling of love and ignore the reality right in front of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the true nature of LOVE, and all the abuse love has allowed to exist for all of Humanity, time and time again.


Sunday, March 10, 2019

Day 699 Pumped Up - Redefining and Living Words

I am walking a process of living words. Today I am taking a word that I have lived in some areas of my life already and expanding it. The word is Pumped Up. I have lived in during this last year at my physical labor job, where at any moment I may need to lift something heavy or do some intense physical movement for the job. I also have lived this word when I am doing something my life where I am directing with that tenacity.

Body Dimension
- In my body I feel what I am calling adrenaline with being pumped up.
-In my body I feel I have access to all the sugar and glucose for my cells and muscles to move quickly, and very effectively.
-In my body I feel so strong, so awake and so ready to do anything.
-In my body I can push my limits and go strong.

Being Pumped has dimensions of Directiveness, and being in control, calm. A very masculine presence where I do shout or speak loudly, yet very much to the point and non-emotional.

Incorporation:
-I can incorporate this word Pumped Up in my daily exercise routine, where I do move in that intensity and that adrenaline, and so I daily practice in using that intensity for a short time.

- I can incorporate this word in my daily responsibilities and tasks that are more mental based, like on the computer writing, or calling people on the phone to get things done, or any other work that is non-physical labor.

Potential Pitfalls
- I have experienced feeling overwhelmed or over worked where I couldn't let go of the adrenaline rush before. So there is that I have to watch out for, to remember I can let this adrenaline experience go and relax. So essentially not over abuse my body.

Health
- I need to make sure I eat well and eat even calories and hydrate cause being pumped up I use more energy (calories) and its not magically appearing, I need to eat food, and eat balanced meals.

Saturday, February 23, 2019

Day 698 Redefinition of Strength

So if you would have asked me, or if I would have asked myself, what Strength is Last Week....
I would have said/shown like standing up, being rigid, muscular, pushing, tough.

But that's not all there is to Strength, and the current definition is not appropriate in certain contexts.

So this is what I found, being gentle and embracing what is here, no matter who it is, what they are doing, what they said, what they lived, embrace and accept what is here, doing this.... doing this is the antithesis, the complete opposite to my average response of Strength.

In the age of Donald Trump, that definition of Strength of being so masculine, being tough, pushing things through, being rigid, being sharp is clearly shown to be what is is. And that is the natural response for me.

SO something that I have been doing unconsciously is breathing in sharply. In seemingly random moments. What I'm seeing here is this, that breathing sharply is me activating this strength, which plays out like a suppression. Suppressing what is here so I can do what I perceive I need to do.

I do this, while saying to myself, because I need to, because I have to. Because that is what is needed. I need to be strong.

So I can exist in this way, and  I have existed and I have achieved/accomplished things, BUT its not the best way. Its better than doing NOTHING at all, but there is a BETTER WAY. So this way is not the most appropriate and best way. Though I do understand that I lacked the understanding and that was the best I could do. And now I am ready to learn and apply.

So embracing and accepting what is here takes strength, or that is how it should be. So I define that as strength. And then moving slow within me and then outwardly moving as quick as what is needed.


So what is embracing and accepting practically done in the moment? I start by this moment here that I am. I am here. I check what here I am not accepting. And then I visualize that that is here in my reality, and I accept this is the reality right now. It can be a person, or a place, or a thing. But it is always the fact of the matter. I accept what is here and embrace it. And with that I move slower within myself

What is moving slower practically in the moment? I see the energy within me wanting to move quickly to resist and hate on what is here, and blame, so I slow it all down within me, until all that exist is here within me. Only I exist. I exist within me. Nothing else. So then I can move in reality and do and move.

What is moving in reality while moving slow within me?  Practically in the moment it is me being clear within me, and slow within me. There is no energy. I am slow within me. But that within slowness does not define slowness in physical movement. I am eternally here and clear within. So I just move. I can move and do in reality with the body. That's it. Nothing more or less.

What do I do when a backchat is here? I slow down within me and I look if I am embracing and accepting what is here, and yes the backchat ends.

This is Strength.

When there is something or someone difference, I embrace that fact that they are here. So I am clear within me. And I can assist them.

Before I would enter in essentially rage/aggression/hate easily. I would YELL in my written words. You can see when you yell even in writing words online. Or whether you want to yell in certain contexts or conversations. Applying what I wrote here will help you. That is what I'm doing and its working. Test it.

There is a difference between deciding to yell, and yelling automatically.

There is a difference between approaching a problem with already accepting the reality of the reality,  and approaching it with resistance, blame, anger, STRENGTH as defined by this context.

It takes real strength facing the reality of reality and work with that as your starting point. Which requires moving slow within you. Cause the system wants you to move quick within you to get the energy built up and expressed quickly as the strength defined by the system in the Age of Strong Men. FORCING, PUSHING, ENDING.

Real force, real pushing, would exist within this starting point of moving slow within self. I haven't gotten there yet. I am not there yet. But that is what I expect to be the case.

But first I have to release this old definition and habit of strength, as Ego, as I know, I am right, I am going to DO IT, I am going to change things NOW, and I am going to speak NOW. Feeling that RISE Of energy within me. The rise of ego. The quick ascension to the throne and taking control.

With moving slow its different. Within me, its like water of a still lake. It is already here. It is just clear within me, like clear water. And then I just move and speak within that slowness of my body which I trust. And what I do and move is easy.

Moving like this way is different. It takes some getting used to. It has that awkwardness and that panic of what if I can't move quickly any more? Which i can prove right away in the physical that I just move and do and can get things done fast. Its just within me it won't be moving in that quickness as before. So yes that definition of quick needs to change as my inner experience.

This is a different way of living and it takes some getting used to.

This is the new Strength I am living. And my breathing is evidence/cross-reference. Am I breathing sharply? If so then its me living the reaction as the old strength definition.



Wednesday, February 20, 2019

day 697 Separation Anxiety

Separation Anxiety
There is someone I am separate from right now and its causing this separation anxiety. A commonly used word to describe this thing. Now, I immediately see it relates to me being a child, getting lost, separate from my mom in particular, and that fear of never seeing my mom again, and somehow being lost forever, whether that's due to being kidnapped, murdered, or dying accidentally while I am lost. I have had that moment as a kid where I am wandering in the supermarket and I try to find my mom, and have that thought and anxiety of never seeing her again, and then my heart starts racing, I start believing it, and I get scared and I start to frantically check all the aisles. Another was a memory at a carnival amusement park. Same thing.

So this is something physical. Its in my body. I can feel it sitting here in my body as me as my body. These memories and these reactions are here in my body as me. The emotions, the energies, the experiences are sitting here as me. And so this separation anxiety I am experiencing now as an adult is rooted in these past moments, just unleashed after years of waiting. Here it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear never seeing this person again, and want to frantically go find this person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to die or the other person dying before finding them, seeing them again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be anxious, scared, nervous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having control of my life, my destiny, my future, and being limited, being powerless, and unable to change things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for being powerless, for not being strong, for not being able to change things, for not being able to make things different, right or better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being weak, fear being limited, fear being not strong enough, unable, incapable, not almighty.

I realize I only have so much power, and so much I can do and learn to do, and become stronger to do.

I realize my FEAR is what is keeping this in place, and that the solution isn't to wish I was stronger or focus on becoming stronger to manage my fears, but to actually just let go of the fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on becoming stronger and more powerful as a solution to my anxiety and fears of the future, instead of just letting go of the fears and anxiety directly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing my fears and letting them go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing this person, to fear losing people, to fear losing people I love, people I know, people in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing groups, and results in reality, land, things, money, power.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach fear with strength instead of just gentleness, care, femininity and just letting go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my plans not working out, to fear things not going out how I want, to fear things falling part, collapsing.

I accept and embrace what is here as it is.

My Strength is my ability to accept and embrace what is here.

I accept and embrace the fact that I'm separate in physical locations from this person. And that is my strength. I realize I don't have all the power and ability now to go to this person. I realize that patience is key sometimes. I realize that planning and preparation is what I can do in the meantime while I wait for things to move together and align. I realize that having faith that things can work out is important. I realize I accepting and embracing the limit in what I can do will make me much happier and relaxed. I embrace and accept what is here.

 So my redefinition of Strength is to accept and embrace what is here.
So with that starting point of strength as embracing, I can more readily and easily move me with ease, calm, and levelheadedness, to do what I can practically here and now.

I do find it difficult/non-natural to accept/embrace what is here as a starting point before moving/acting, especially in this context situation, where I just want to be frantically moving, in search of the person I'm separated from.

Thank you for reading my blog,
as a special note: Eqafe has launched Eqafe Unlimited, which allows you access to the entire library of Eqafe for a monthly subscription, just like Netflix. Its cheap and affordable. I have used eqafe to find and search for a point I had trouble with in process, such as anger, or fears. It always gave me that extra hint/clue to help me along in opening up a point in writing. Check it out! www.eqafe.com


Below I linked a Relevant Eqafe Interview on Anxiety/Fear:


In this Interview, a woman comes through sharing her process of how anxiety became fear and eventually petrification that she defined within the context of ‘Unpredictability’ – how unpredictability became a fear, and with human beings and this world being Unpredictable; how this Fear drove her into absolute separation and isolation and the consequences of this Fear on her human physical body.

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Day 696 A Lone Wolf No More



Being a Loner, a Lone Wolf,

I should be able to be ALONE, not need anyone. I should be able to exist within ANYONE.

That is where I should go, develop and be...

All of the above is a LIE...

Its a lie.

The true way of living is the a mix of independence and dependence.

Even more so, hold dear and deep to my heart those that bring out the best in me, those who bring me the most joy, the most expression, the most creativity, the most love, the most fun. And hold them to my heart, remember them, call them, talk to them, keep them in my EVERYDAY Life. Even though they are not physically present. I can't hold them or hug them. They are very far away. But they are more real to me, and bring out the best in me. No fact can change that fact.

Except me. Just me that can take that away. Just me that won't fight for it. And I have to fight for it. Its not automatic or natural. But if I fight for it, I get it, and it is better than anything. It is real.

I have to fight being a loner, I have to change. I have to change being a Lone Wolf. I have to eradicate this idea that to be my best self means being alone, means being able to be alone. I have to erase this idea, get rid of it. It has been my natural tendency and whole hearted belief that being alone is being strong, that being without connections makes me strong. That's a lie.

I am more stronger now, having these alive connections with these living people far far away, than ever before. A piece of my heart is for each person. Neither is more or greater than the other, but each is fulfilling and unique, yet the same. The same because what unites us is the process point, is the physicality point, is the awareness point. You can't fake that or replicate that anywhere. That cannot be replaced or simulated. That is what it is. So utterly unique and beautiful.

So that in my self, I am not alone. I have many people I am a part of, that is a part of my life. Though physically I am alone without them. In my self I am not alone, we are together. I am living my life with them, a part of my life, a part of my self. They are a part of me.

A new way to live the phrase, Alone yet Together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge being alone as good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge together as bad, as weakness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge being alone as Strong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge having someone here in the physical who supports me as process as me being weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as strong for not needing anyone in process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not admit that I need people, I need people who are walking process, I need to walk with people, socially, holding them here in my heart.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push such people away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be alone, to be a lone wolf, to handle things alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear holding people in my heart that make me better, that make me stronger, that make me laugh more, see more, do more, be more, be better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I love people more than I love my biological family, than that makes me bad, that that makes me a bad person, a bad son.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and compare, instead of understanding, understanding the differences, understanding who we are as people.

You can't fake real love. The real love, is when the people you are with, are all supportive, all taking responsibility for themselves, all are cool, where you can say and do things, you can make a mistake, that you can openly share a point, openly talk about the mind, talk about taking responsibility for all of yourself.... that is paradise, that is heaven on earth. And that is real love. And all of this done by people with awareness, they are creating themselves to be this way, it wasn't preprogrammed, it is real, original, here in the moment, and created from a LONG period of self-application.

You can't fake that.

You can't lie about, lie to yourself about its existence, deny it, suppress it. Feel shameful of it, feel guilty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty that I don't love my father or mother as much as I love these people, as much as I enjoy these people.

I realize that love isn't up to me, its whether you are open to it or not. Its whether you recognize it or deny it.

I can't pretend to love some one as much as I can with these people who are specific in who they are, who have created themselves willingly, who have awareness, who pushed through trials and tribulations, who took risks, who gave up parts of their ego, of their mind willingly.

Why should love be a decision or an obligation, why can't it be what it is? True love, real love for someone. You love someone for who they are. Not because they are your son or daughter, or gave you this or that.

You can't fake that.

You either deny it or embrace it and live it openly.

This love is unlike any other. It is equally for each of these person's. It is not sexual or romantic at all. It Burns in my chest, it is passionate. It binds me to them across all distance. It is patient and it is kind. And it is for these specific people, flesh and blood. Its not an idea. And it is not Me ALONE.

This specific love cannot be me Alone. I'm sure there is another specific love just for me. But this one here is not me alone, it is for them. I love the space that is created with, i love the expressions and creativity that is possible in real time interactions with them. I love the absolute complete support with them and the respect of myself as an individual that I receive.

You can't fake that. You can't buy that.  You can only give yourself that through walking your process.

And then you have to be open to that, to receive that, to live that, which is what I'm busy working on now.

Day 695 Remembering where my Heart lies





The value of a Friend.

The value of someone who sees into the same depths as you, that very few can.

The depths of this reality

The depths of the Self.

The depths of all the selves

The depths of all life

The depth of what it means to be alive

The depth of what it means to really live.

The power of the self

The beauty of the self

The creativity of the self

The potential of the self

The potential of all life

The specificity of all of this, in written and spoken word, shared and lived in the moment, in the physical flesh, here to be heard with your own ears spoken from the lips of a body. Real. Here.

Not a memory, not an image, not a past... here and real.

There are many levels and variation of Friendship... but this kind of friendship is most special, most important. It is a friendship bound by this process, by the very Life itself, the very physical itself, with the understanding and manifestation of LIFE here in the flesh.

In full awareness, in the full awareness of this process we are walking. In such rich specificity, and such real results.

The Living Word.

We can create a new world together.

We are the new world.

My heart is divided into pieces, one for each such person. And together they make my heart whole.

Saturday, February 9, 2019

Day 694 Doing what's best for myself

Judging myself for doing what's best for myself. Judging myself as bad, not good. Feeling stressed about it. I'm in a possession, so just going to do self-forgiveness unconditionally to start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad for doing what's best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed about doing what's best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for doing what's best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself what is best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel burdened by doing what's best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and beLIEve that I am not allowed to do what's best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist doing what is best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel drained of energy when it comes to doing what's for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel completely unmotivated to do what is best for me in this moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I cannot do what is best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I shouldn't do what is best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself judge myself and others for being bad when doing what's best for ourselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself and from others through judging myself and others as bad when we do what's best for ourselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when I am doing things that disrupt other people's lives, that is a surprise to others, an inconvenience to others, that breaks my promises to others, even though it is best for me, it best course of action for me, for my entire life, for my fruition, for my health, for my ability to do what's best for all practically in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed when I do what is best for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed when I do what is best for myself, and that doing is something "bad."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed when doing something bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel physically stressed, burdened, overwhelmed, too tired, when doing something that is best for me, and that I have been judging as a bad thing to do, or at least not a good thing.

THE GOOD

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need something good in my life, as something calls me good, like being a good son, or good employee, or a good person, that I need something that I do that makes feel GOOD, like helping people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad, when I do something that disrupts other people's lives, that will make them hate, that will create a bad relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I cannot Morally do this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I cannot do this.

I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to FEAR giving up and ending points in my life that have given me a Good Definition of myself, a Good Image of myself like being a good employee, like being a Good Son, like being a good person that helps people, someone that never lies, someone that never cheats, someone that never is late, never breaks any promises.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear being bad.


Sometimes its needed to lie, to cheat, to break promises in order to do what is best for me.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view and judge lying, cheating and breaking promises as BAD, instead of looking at the reasons why someone does it. Are they doing it as what is best for me them? Are they doing to get energy? Are they doing it in way that's not best for them, that is abusive to themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny doing what's best for me especially in the ways and moments that I judge previously as bad morally, like lying, cheating, breaking promises, and stealing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist letting people down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist being direct with people and tell them I'm not interested.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear hurting people's feelings, to fear making people cry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear causing people to get angry with me, and try to deny that I had anything to do with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living me, being me, and being what is best for me, and causing all sorts and shapes of reactions and triggers from people, whether its anger, crying, yelling, hate or spite.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear of what other's reactions will be to me, to me living my best no matter what, me doing right by me, me helping myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear LOSING people that call me good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to WANT, NEED to be seen as good by people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on others telling me that I'm good, telling me I doing what is good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to people telling me that I'm bad, that what I'm doing is bad, is a bad idea, won't work, and I shouldn't do it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just shut up all the noises, voices, and opinions, and just look directly at mine, at my vision, my ability to see directly the situation, directly the path before me, and stick to that path, relying my self-honesty, self-responsibility, and just work what's here as it arises in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to Let GOOD and BAD rule me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as Good and Bad.


Thank you for reading my blog,
as a special note: Eqafe has launched Eqafe Unlimited, which allows you access to the entire library of Eqafe for a monthly subscription, just like Netflix. Its cheap and affordable. I have used eqafe to find and search for a point I had trouble with in process, such as anger, or fears. It always gave me that extra hint/clue to help me along in opening up a point in writing. Check it out! www.eqafe.com


Below I linked a Relevant Eqafe Interview on Morality: 


https://eqafe.com/p/how-information-processing-disempowers-reptilians-part-221

How did the Creators design humans’ relationship to information so that we are more likely to become emotionally reactive to information as opposed to practically assessing the information?
How do our emotional reactions to learning new information then get transformed into morality judgements of “right and wrong”/”good and bad”?
How do our morality reactions as “good” as feelings and “bad” as emotions disempower us from working with information effectively?

Saturday, February 2, 2019

Day 693 The Most Positive Message that Exists

I was considering titling this Desteni, the most positive message that exists...

The thing is that Desteni won't always exist. Desteni is  group of people with a purpose. And the message of Desteni is aligned with the heart/spirit of existence of life itself.

This heart of life goes beyond anything you can conceive of or think about.

It doesn't belong to anyone alone. It isn't contained within just the Desteni group. Desteni is the vehicle in which this message can come into creation, be aligned with the beings of this physical reality.

And this heart of life, the very nature and essence of life, more beautiful and more perfect than anything, yet its found everywhere, embedded everywhere, yet not being lived by the beings.

Life is not bound by the polarity of good and evil, right and wrong. It is not positive or negative.

One way to put it is that the heart, spirit or essence of life is beyond the definitions of positivity currently lived in this world. Too many people abuse life in the name of positivity, of a good life.

What would it practicality mean to live LOVE in this reality? To be Love? Wouldn't it entail making sure everyone has food? That everyone is cared for, nurtured, raised to their highest potential? Is that not what real love what do? But who does that? Do you do that? Are you committed to that? What is your excuse?

If you really wanted to BE and LIVE positivity, to be and live being GOOD, being a GOOD PERSON, than you would be willing to sacrifice all excuses, all justifications about why you aren't doing ALL you can do. You would be willing to End the lies of energy, the vampiric torture of your body as energy, feeding off of it, creating a personal high that you call love, and happiness and positivity... SHAMING the real nature of what GOOD is, tainting it, confusing it... all done for a high.

You're just a drug addict, drunk on your own rape of your own body for energy. Why do you think rape still exists in this world?

The Most Positive Message that exists is the one that Includes everyone, without exception. Includes the well-being, the making sure everyone is challenged to the point of growth and expansion until they stand as their highest potential.

Any message that is based on having a good time only, just fucking around, just seeking a fun time only, is not ONE that existence can exist on. You do see that don't you? If you don't, then open your goddam eyes. See how your world system is built on the the daily raping and bleeding of people too deep in poverty to fight back, too crippled, too starved to say no. It is built on the annihilation of the natural world, the robbery and consumption of the very source and stability for Billions of life forms on this planet. This will end one way or another.

The blood is on all of our hands equally.

This is the most positive message that exists. Its true. Its undeniable. You cannot deny the truth.

Do you know what its like to live purpose? Do you know what's its like to be on the TEAM of Life? To actually have your shit together, to actually have things you have to do, things you got to change, ways to improve yourself, and a way to actually make REAL LASTING CHANGE in this reality?

How many people just die, never living TRUTH, never facing the REALITY of this reality. How many people NEVER even have the CHANCE that you have now, to actually Live a Real and FULL life, with a way to leave on impact on the course of the entire existence. It is really a gift that you have here with Desteni.

Do you know what's its like to have real love in your heart? a real smile? One that is not because of any person, or because of what someone said or did. Have you ever had a love or smile in your heart because of YOU, what you see with YOU actually Living and Changing. When you CARE for existence, that is something NO ONE can take away from you. No one can FORCE YOU to stop caring. It is completely done and maintained by you!

If you fucking want to be Positive, then BE IT, live it PRACTICALLY, don't lecture me or lie to me pretending that beautiful words, and a smile is all it takes to change this world. It doesn't. To really change this world takes real change, real honesty, real facing the shit and actually changing. Real courage, real depth, real willingness to sacrifice all your fears and excuses so that you can transcend all that to become something greater than what you were. You can do it, its all within you. You don't have to be a certain person, anyone can do it. You don't have to be someone special. Anyone can do it. You can do it.

Feelings and Emotions don't change the world, they keep it exactly in place, where its always been. That's why they exist, they are the polarities, they are the anchors, they are the neverending battle between good and evil, while the lives of billions are tossed around like poker chips paying for the costing, and facing the brunt of it. 

 Who else besides people in desteni Stick their necks out with such courage and speak the truth that has been suppressed so long? The problem in this reality is what you are accepting and allowing within you. Your Thoughts. Your Emotions. Your Feelings. The very points that are not questioned by any one. The very fabric and nature of who you are. The very point you will defend and safeguard at all costs, including the peril of this existence. They are your captors, and you are their slaves. You are in love with your own greatest limitation, your greatest point of weakness, of powerlessness, of servitude, LOCKED away in your cage of your mind, too scared to question the purpose of it.

Why don't you just prove to yourself you don't need any of that of the mind to live? It just takes a moment. It would be one moment that would change your life forever. You don't need your mind telling you what to do, or your emotions/feelings to GUIDE YOU, or give you reason/purpose of existing. Prove to yourself that you can BE your best self through your direction in the moment.

www.desteni.org

Monday, January 28, 2019

Day 692 Another addendum --- Sex, Past Relationships and the One

Link, 1st blog on topic : https://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2019/01/day-690-about-being-alone-as-trauma.html
1st Addendum: https://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2019/01/day-691-update-and-addendum-to.html

So today is the second Addendum.

I have had several different points come up in the last few day and half that would add up and be part of this original mind system of Trauma of Being Alone.

The first was a more sexual one. Where I have had a problem within masturbation where a certain line of thought would come up of: "you don't know what you are doing!" so what I did this morning was look at this line of thought within the context of the Trauma of Being Alone, and what I have opened up recently. So within that it became clear that I was digging into my Past Relationship and sexual encounters. One of my past partners said to me "Yogan, you don't know what you are doing, you have good intent, but you don't know who you are."  So I started doing self-forgiveness on Trauma, Self-hatred, Agony, pain and torture as connected to sex and masturbation, and my sexual expression. In order to release this point and connection of the past. Because if you read my blog on Being Alone and trauma of it, you would see immediately the clear connection that I lived for that distraction that belief that I am not alone, that I can escape my own pain and self-torture through people, through relationships, through being on people's good sides.

In all three of the relationships I had, I was dumped. And in is was that MOMENT, of the person's dumping me, that reaffirmed my belief and trauma of hating myself. I blamed myself for breaking up with me. It was my fault, as I thought and reacted at the time. It added to my hate of myself. Which of course is silly, and not true that's its my fault. It's stupid to blame oneself for the decision that someone else's makes. They could have just as well decided differently. Each person's decision is always on them. Just like my decision within letting myself exist in this self-hatred, though I understand the ignorance I was in, and lack of understanding of the mind and how to change.

So that moment of being Rejected, is one flag point, one dimension for me to correct within and as me in real time moments. Rejection doesn't have to affect me at all. I see the potential of that, and it starts by paying attention to this trauma of self-hatred, agony and torture that is my own constant experience for so many years, that is just energy, just mind. I can stop it.

One thing I noticed with sex with one partner was that she would always go very quickly, and if I look at a physical level, I didn't like that. Though my nature of being submissive and in so much self-hatred, I didn't say anything, for the fear of speaking up and driving her away and so have to face the pain of being alone.The truth of course was that I was already in such trauma anyway, its a lie that I was somehow free from it being in a relationship or having sex. Not true.

Anyway, so I didn't speak up to my partner, and she also didn't speak up to me, I notice. It was just assumed. That moving quickly was good. So looking at a physical level, I would have enjoyed moving much much slower, and really paying attention to my physical body, and be much more gentle and relaxed. I kind of also sense that it was work for her as well, a level of impatience.

So this resonance or presence of moving quickly in sex was imprinted on me I see, where at times in masturbation I do move in such a quick way like how I did with person, or how I experienced it. And because this is what I experience in sex back then, and I had considered that good sex, when it wasn't, that left that imprint, that lie and dishonesty.

And of course what is holding it in place is this self-trauma of being alone as agony and torture!!!!! The very point that held it in place, and kept me from being honest, which I am now releasing for good!!!!! So now I can see the point here, and the imprint and I can change it now. So I am. I have done the self-forgiveness. I can feel the weight and pressure here. And the waters calming inside myself.

This was above was one point from this morning. There was another here at night/afternoon.
Its not something I could express in words very well, because its such a point, so I did a vlog on it instead. See below. https://youtu.be/f6zxW5B9Lbc


So after doing this vlog and looking at the point here, I see the following solutions/corrections that I should have lived and can lived especially whenever such an energy is here. The energy is like a kind of painful excitement with this ONE person, one destined person for me, my fixation on the one who will save me from my torturous trauma of being alone with me...

well first off that give me, myself, time and peace. The time to do what's needed for me, the best for me. To give me my projects, my comforts, my physical things, my physical time to live.... cause the experience of this one, is like sacrificing everything for this one, including my time and my peace. So I give myself time and peace to live unconditionally. I am the one. I am the person. So I live for me. Within that, if I share my life with a person, with a one, then they will be one, and i will be one. Bother of us are our own one. So if we come together we are two. So simple math, lololololol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek and search for the one, the one I can obsess over, and give all my time and energy and thought, and they can save me from myself, from my self-hatred, from my trauma of being with me alone.

I make myself the one I need, and the one I have.


Sunday, January 27, 2019

Day 691 Update and Addendum to yesterday's blog

Yesterday's blog: https://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2019/01/day-690-about-being-alone-as-trauma.html

So first an update. Things have been pretty quiet in my mind. Like I have the moments where the thoughts and experience would come up, and they start to creep in, but then I remember and am applying my application in the moment to change with understanding. And so I change it, I stop the thought, mind chatter. Negative backchat. Feeling Nervous or Anxious in relation to conversations/messages. I remember the point that its connected to this Trauma of Being Alone, the pain, the agony, the self-hatred, the torture. and voila! done. And just the eerie quietness of the moment, of being alone. That is eerie because its been so long, so not my normal.

If it wasn't obvious, within this system, I have been living my life, I have been pushing in every such way for expansion and growth in every dimension and way I understood thus far. I have been accepting every challenging, embracing the possibilities of new moments, and doing all the self-forgiveness on these very same points throughout time. So the blog, like so many others, are a culmination of who I have been in the moment throughout my process. Just what's cool, is that now I can see and understand this resonant trauma that has been in the background, yet consistently steady within me throughout me, throughout my day. And I realized that after writing that blog and rereading it and reading the self-forgiveness, that all of humanity or the vast majority can relate to it, that are living it. Because this would explain many such behaviors and patterns in movies, tv shows, and media like porn, including romantic novels and such for women. Where that experience of being alone... that pain and agony, like everyone's got it. But who actually dares to face it and change and be free? I don't believe anyone can just right now decide to be free of it, its impossible to do in just one moment, WITHOUT many many many moments beforehand of preparation, of work, of understanding.... but many such moments beforehand, then yes you will eventually change in one moment. Everyone can. It just takes time. ANYTHING good takes time. Anything REAL takes time. Everything takes time.

So this wasn't an accidental realization, this was a constant effort, and a team effort. I didn't do it ALONE. I had many many people support me specifically, in specific ways and they were mostly destonians. They were destonians being themselves, being their presence, being their process that they have lived. Sharing their process, sharing themselves, being themselves as they shared themselves online, sharing their self-forgiveness, sharing their realization, sharing their darkness, their difficulty, and their victories and transcendences. Logically and Rationally it makes sense that people who are living real change, and changing in such deep ways, that their mere presence supports you, BUT, until you actually live it and know it, you can't Imagine it what's it like for someone whose walked this desteni to support you in this way. It must be lived, experienced for you to understand.

For you to understand that when someone else is COMPLETELY stable in who they are, and that the only possible source of a reaction is YOU, that is a great support. That supports you, by simply them not reacting and being stable, and that helps you realize that everything you are thinking or saying is coming out of you, it is your words, it is yours thoughts.

I had a great catalysis of support the last month and a half, through such people being open, sharing themselves, and just supporting. So completely relax, so completely taking responsibility for themselves, so completely walking their own individual process to the MAX. That is how this world will change through people, these people. That is how change is going to happen. And I am just one part, one puzzle piece of this grand mosaic of process.


Addendum
Now for the Addendum, I had one other dimension of the mind come up in relation to this overall system of Trauma from being Alone.

It relates to God.
 So something that I experienced right before the starting the desteni process. I was 18 still, and I had believed for many years already since I was 13 years, so for already 5 years believing that there were guides, and spirits, and higher selves, and beings existing that is guiding me on my path, and that God is watching over me, making sure I am where I am supposed to be. So already believing all of this, I started to create a kind of communication, or so I believed, with my guides, which a lady told me I had 3 such guides and that they were 3 kings. And so what happened, while I would be just sitting in my room trying to like connect with this higher energy, was that I would hear a Knock in the Room, a very loud and clear knock like on the ceiling. Like a snap, very quick, very brief, just a hit on the roof or walls of the room. So while within this intense energy, I started to believe I was being communicated with by such spirits, by my guides, and specifically it lead to me feeling like I was bad/wrong, like a knock would be telling me something bad that I did, like with thinking.

Basically, I saw this point today because again I heard the ceiling make such a sound and I felt something in my solar plexus. Now I have already worked on this point for a long time, including self-forgiveness way back in my process, as soon as I started it. Because they made it very clear through the portal that all such communication with heaven, with guides beings were cut off WAY before like in 1999. So everything that happens is through your own mind systems. So I immediately questioned my own communication and stopped it, which took time, it was a process to do so. But I was adamant and fierce about it.

So anyway, this morning I heard the knock, and I felt the reaction, and I saw that I could be holding on to it because it felt like I wasn't alone in the room, which is the whole trauma point. So I approached it from that angle. And I went ahead and see what happened. It did diminish some, so it did have an impact, BUT it was still there. So then I saw that this is probably its own dimension point, so it would be the sixth point in the system, adding on to the other five. So I did specific self-forgiveness in that moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my communication with my spirit guides so I won't feel alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my communication and connection with some entity, some being, some higher self, some god so I believe I am not alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel protected and guided by god, by my higher self, to feel like my life is guided and destined and controlled.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be told I am bad and wrong in a moment by some knock in the wood of the ceiling so that I feel I am guided by something and I don't feel alone, that I can just relax and drop my guard down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad, feel wrong, feel dirty, feel evil, feel like I am no good, when believing I am hearing some communication from god or some spirits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow feeling bad, like I am bad, and wrong, because at least I didn't feel alone, that I could feel like someone or something was telling me I was bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the morality system within me, of feeling like I am bad and wrong for doing certain things and being who I am. 

After doing the self-forgiveness I felt the relief from my solar plexus, and energy. Releasing the knot. Releasing the pressure. This relates to the trauma of being alone, the suffering, agony and self-hatred because looked to god and prayed to god, WHY AM I LIKE THIS???? Why can't I fit in?? What's wrong with me???? And I believed God and my higher self had a destiny for me, and that they they would guide me to become BETTER, to be my utmost. So through accepting and allowing this experience of feeling morally bad, like I did a bad thing that I would be guided to change the points about me that would allow me not to feel the trauma of being alone. Which is of course silly. Trauma only exists in you, not in any one else. Its simply to be released and stopped for good. To get to that point, a process needs to be walked, the very process I have been walking since I was 18/19. Process takes time, its best to start right away.


Plant

Oh and I got a plant! I am calling it my baby. I know that people call pets their babies, and actually call babies.... my baby. But how about with plants huh? A specific relationship to a specific plant in your life. I have had such moments with specific trees that I would go to, and visit from time and again, and just look, and rest on them, and just enjoy. So it sits next to me on my desk. Right here, where I spend most of my time after work, doing my second job online, which is this process. And while I watch a movie on my laptop or such.



Saturday, January 26, 2019

Day 690 About Being Alone as a Trauma

Being Alone
There is a system within me that 5 parts to it. Each part relates to this Trauma of being Alone growing up, being alone as who I am, being alone as my story, being alone as my past, the physical behaviors and ways I act out due to this Trauma of being alone.

The 5 parts of the system are:

1.     Feeling/Thinking my life is meaningless and purposeless. This is very well captured by the end of the Bohemian Rhapsody song “Nothing really matters, anyone can see, nothing really matters, nothing really matters to meee…. Any way the wind blows….”

These have been constant and consistent backchats in my recent days going back to several years. Where I would try to stop it and stand up from it, though never really ending it or changing it. But I did use this as a starting point to write out my purpose to become a data scientist and use that money to create my life and support the life of others. So I didn’t let it stop me, I worked with it however way I could. Now though with seeing it as part of this grander system of Being Alone as a Trauma, maybe it will finally end.

Like I am laying in bed and a backchat thought in my voice says, what’s the point of anything, there is no meaning in my life. And seeing how being alone is this point, I am alone, I have no meaning, no purpose, no persons in my life, I am alone.

2.     the second point is feeling Nervous and Anxious with sending an email to someone or a message to someone, and seeing they replied and being very afraid of them hating me or being angry at me. I am nervous and anxious about them leaving me, leaving me alone. The same nervous and anxious energy and presence is here when I speak or write to someone where I am speaking in such a way where I am scared of losing them, them leaving me, so I end up speaking a lot, or saying a lot of things, and really speaking in an insecure nervous way. Like I am anxious to see them. I am anxious being alone, I am so anxious and nervous that I will be left alone and see no one again. This reminds me of some dogs that would act this way, and bark and bark and bark when you leave them alone. They don’t want to be alone, they are anxious, nervous and scared. They don’t want to be alone. That is the nervous and anxious experience of mine when I am speaking/writing someone online, or talking on the phone.

3.     Pornography. I have a long history with porn where I did face already many points and transcended many points, except this one. This one has been nagging at me. And I didn’t understand why I couldn’t let it go. Now I think I got it. Its part of this system. So its basically the positive polarity to all of this negative energy and emotions from the system. I go to porn to not feel alone. To feel like I am with someone. Some of the porn would be games where it would simulate dates. And so simulating dating and having a girlfriend. I understand that it gave me that feeling of intimacy/connection or belief thereof so that I can escape and manage feeling alone.

Flirting. Flirting relates to this porn point above, and as well as generally feeling excited and all those feelings that come with talking to a feemale, who is smiling, and flirting back. Basically the same point, it serves the positive polarity of the system, so I don’t feel alone.

4.     Crying- way back when I was like 13 or 14 I would cry in my bedroom, saying aloud, what’s WRONG WITH ME!!!!! Why doesn’t anyone LIKE ME!!!! Why can’t I change!!!!! Oh god please!!!! (I believed in god and was praying to god) And I was full on tears. This happened many times. In present day, I cry when seeing certain movies or videos or tv series, where I am seeing everyone happy, being together and not alone, and I WISH I COULD HAVE THAT SO MUCH. To not feel alone. So I cry. The crying involves emotional pain, agony, trauma, torture, and self-hate.


5.     Accepting and allowing my mind to speak to me, knowing it’s the mind, just so I don’t feel alone. There have been things the mind says to me that is abusive, and hateful. I have tried to stop it, and stand up, and live my life. Though its there. Now I understand why. Its because at least I wasn’t faced with being alone, so even though I have diminished the mind and pushed back the mind in so many ways and to such extreme, just this one little part and area that it had left, I left it, because of this. Now, it seems like after letting go of this system, there won’t be anything left of the mind.


So playing piano, and masturbation as self-touch, and generally enjoying myself and having fun, has been a difficulty the recent years. Before the recent years it was easy and fun. So I know this is a system, not one that was created in recent years, but one that has been there for a long time. Its probably I wasn’t ready yet in the beginning of process, but in recent years I was. And it has lead to this point.

I don’t know what will happen once I release this system as a whole. We’ll see. This is a  big step for me, I can tell. The final puzzle piece. It’s almost hard to believe. Well, let’s just do it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within the trauma and pain of being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak and share, and search for social contact within the starting point of feeling the pain and torture of being alone, and so then feel anxious and nervous to lose someone, lose a conversation, to be left by someone, and so be left alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for a simulation of people through porn games, through videos, movies, images, tv series, where I can feel not alone, where I can pretend I am not alone, where I can go into that distraction and high of believing I am escaped my hell of trauma of being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cry and shout/yell at myself, WHAT”S WRONG WITH ME!!!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pray to god, why am I alone? Why doesn’t anyone like me?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cry within self-hate, agony, torture, and trauma

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the mind to continue to exist in some spaces in my mind, just so I won’t feel alone, just to avoid that pain, torture, and trauma of being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to let the mind speak to me in abusive ways, and spiteful, violent ways like imagining myself being choked by someone, and things like what’s wrong with you! You don’t know what you are doing! Which I allowed simply so I won’t be completely alone, as I considered that at least someone or something here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to flirt with females, and try to find the spaces/places where I am open to be flirted to by females, where it gave me that positive high and distraction from being alone, similar to how I use porn dating games, to simulate not being alone, feeling not being alone, where I could imagine a life with someone, and imagine never being alone again, and feel that positivity, and relief from trauma of being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel meaningless and purposeless without having someone, without having people in my life, where I let that take away my joy and enjoyment of playing piano and self-touch as masturbation in a physical way without mind or energy (same applies when playing piano)  because doing so, I did it alone, I played piano alone, I was alone with myself with my body, and that triggered by emotional trauma of being alone.

I let go of my past, of my trauma and pain, all those years in elementary school where I felt alone, in middle school where I felt alone, in high school, and in college where I felt alone. I felt alone for 12+ years of my life, feeling I relate to no one and no one could relate to me. I was in such constant emotional agony and pain that I got used to it. I got numb to it, that seeing these energies seem like something I can easily miss, cause its not “that bad.”

This has been my life, this is what I lived, so I let it go. 


I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say aloud “I have always been so alone throughout my life.” and say this in this emotional way of feeling sad



Thank you for reading my blog,
as a special note: Eqafe has launched Eqafe Unlimited, which allows you access to the entire library of Eqafe for a monthly subscription, just like Netflix. Its cheap and affordable. I have used eqafe to find and search for a point I had trouble with in process, such as anger, or fears. It always gave me that extra hint/clue to help me along in opening up a point in writing. Check it out! www.eqafe.com

What You Allow to be Done to You Reflects Who You Are - Relationship Success Support

A relationship can be something that brings out the best parts of us, while at the same time helps us to better face our own weaknesses. But if a relationship is creating the opposite effect and we are more and more slipping away from our potential - that is a sign that we need to reassess what we are accepting and allowing both from ourselves and from those in our life.

Why do we create conflictual relationships of self abuse over and over again? Is the relationship worth keeping and fighting for if all it brings is compromise and fear?



Friday, January 25, 2019

Day 689 Age doesn't matter

So I'm writing this blog because of something I observed about myself as I got older, and observed about other people who are older than me. And what is leading me specifically to write NOW, in this moment is watching this video. See Link:

Link

So she started dancing ballet 70 years ago and she never quit.

So something about age is funny. Like I mean, I am 29, I don't feel like I'm a different person when I was 13, because of my age or number. I'm still the same person, and the ways that I have changed is not because I'm older, its because of who I decided to be and my decisions to change, and what I decided to do in front of challenges and opportunities.

So there are things that I love and will always love. Because why on earth would getting older change things that I love to do? It wouldn't.

So its not strange at all for someone who is 80 year old or 90 years old to dance what they love to do, because they are the same person as before.

Like  another perspective is liking looking at who I am when I am 40, years old. I will still be me, I am not suddenly more wiser or whatever. If I am in its because of what I do during that time. That is how come you can have people who don't grow at all, and they are still like the same as they were when they are 40 as when they were 20 or whatever, and that could be in the bad sense.

I suppose the thing that we assume is that people who are older are better or more wiser, when that is not true. Its not because they are older. The same with being younger.

Another area that has come up, is when older women flirt with me, and I can understand like what's going on in them, that even though they are older that they are still the same as who they were when they were like 20, because on the outside you get older but on the inside you are the same. So if you are someone who for example has that kind of awareness and integrity not to do something bad/awkward, then it doesn't matter what age you are.

Like age is a deceptive thing because as a kid I placed value in how my teachers looked, they looked older than me, they looked old. So you assume they know things. When I grow up and see I don't magically change with age, I realize they were just people too. And that as you get older into your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, you are still just a person, and you are who you were as you were younger. You are not magically different. Someone who is 80s years old is not different from someone who is 40s, I mean not for that reason of how they look or their age. So you can talk to them as a person. The same goes with kids too.

Like we are all going to get older,  and we are all people. Your fucking age doesn't make that major difference. You are getting closer to death, but pfff... who isn't? We all equally will die and only have this moment guaranteed. So when I see someone who is 90s years old and doing what they did since they were 70s or 50s or whatever, or they are learning something new, then that is great in the sense of a person doing something, but its not overly special, except that its special in how a person is not letting their age define. So yes FEEL your body, BE HONEST about where your body is at, BE PHYSICAL. Bodies age and get injured. But don't like age and getting older stop you. So that's why I say age doesn't matter.... when it comes to living and doing what you love and just being human, there is so much more that age doesn't define than you THINK.
Enjoy!



Thank you for reading my blog,
as a special note: Eqafe has launched Eqafe Unlimited, which allows you access to the entire library of Eqafe for a monthly subscription, just like Netflix. Its cheap and affordable. I have used eqafe to find and search for a point I had trouble with in process, such as anger, or fears. It always gave me that extra hint/clue to help me along in opening up a point in writing. Check it out! www.eqafe.com

Relevant eqafe interview:


Are you living an age appropriate life? Are you at the place you’re supposed to be according to how old you are now? Are you holding on to dreams and aspirations that belong to someone younger or older than you?
In this recording, discover how our relationship to age does not have to define or limit the life we create.