Yogan's Journey to Life

Being/Feeling Worthless I felt and believed I was worthless because as a kid I was quiet, shy, I didn't know what to say or what to do. I didn't know how to have conversations or speak. When it came to the girls I had crushes on, that I liked, I didn't know how to speak to them. And to one particular girl who made me her friend, who was super friendly to me, and spent time with me, and invited me to things, I felt/believed I was still worthless, I was too worthless to be with her. I was too worthless for her. I am quiet. I am shy. I don't know how to speak. This self-perception carried on within me. As I grew older and met other girls/women that I had crushes on, that I eventually dated, I still saw myself as too worthless to be with them. As I was with them, held hands with them as we walked, I still saw myself as worthless. I was afraid to say something stupid or I was afraid I wouldn't know what to say. I was afraid I was still too quiet, too shy, too inexper...

So I have been practicing speaking and will continue to do so. This is a recollection of the key points that I can do. Find ways to just Speak Aloud. 1. Speaking aloud describing what I am doing: " I am washing the dishes" "I need to use the bathroom"  "I am walking to the bathroom"  "I am eating an apple" 2. Speaking aloud what I am seeing: "I am watching television" "This is third time I am seeing this commercial"  "there is a couple skating on ice" "I am looking out the window" "I see people playing tennis" Points for me to focus on when speaking  1. Projection - which means project as a verb, which means speaking loudly so that you send the sound OUT of you. You project to the room. 2. Place my hands/fingers to my mouth and feel the vibration of my lips, nose, which indicate I am speaking on the edge of my mouth, instead of speaking from deeper within my mouth. I want to speak on th...

Image: Beauty, women, I had trouble looking at the woman that lived in the apartment. She was young. And I found her attractive, and by that I mean that I reacted to her. I felt nervous, shy, scared but in a desirable way. I wanted to look at her, but I felt these emotions. I don’t even know her. I felt intimidated by her appearance. I felt valued/judged by how she would have responded to me. I feel like she would have placed value in how I valued/judged her appearance. I didn’t speak to her, and I looked away, avoiding eye contact. So what I am seeing is that I am having a large value placed in how she looked, and with that I would place value on myself based on how she looked at me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value in how a woman looks, and to place value on how she looked at me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous, shy and scared when there is a woman that I am valuing highly, like with beauty, re...

         I was holding onto the validation from certain people in my life. I was restricting and limiting myself based on what I perceived would be validated by these people. In my mind, I was playing out scenarios, and conversations where what they would say to me would be positive or negative (They were mostly negative). Because I wouldn’t let these people go as attachments, I could not stop this negative thinking. I kept thinking how I didn’t know anything as I did something which I haven’t spoken about with someone else. I couldn’t move me (this is a belief), I didn’t know what to do (this is a belief). And because I wouldn’t let go of my perceptions and beliefs about who they are, and what they think of me, I really couldn’t do anything. So the solution was to let them go within myself. So within that if they were removed from the face of the planet, I would have a reaction. So I stopped that reaction through breathing and bei...

 I fear someone coming up to me and tell me I am evil. I fear losing the people in my life. I fear losing friends. I fear being alone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the people in my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that through fearing I could hold onto the people in my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through this to justify fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that by fearing it means I care. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that its ok to act on fear if it means that you can keep certain people in your life. Fear harms me. It is unacceptable because of this. For me, I stop fear.

I am very confused. I do not like what I am feeling, or what I am participating in. But I am doing it anyway. Why? I feel like there is something inherently wrong with me. That I cannot do anything. I question whether I am just playing the victim. Am I? Why would I accept and allow this, why would I accept and allow such a hell for myself? There is something that I believed I could not do on my own- and I asked the mind for help. Now within participating with a group I am living this statement, however I have always existed in a group, everyone does; we all effect each other in every moment. I feel like I may just be ranting to get attention. Is this true? Do I just want attention from people, where I generate energy from attention and feel good? Within me I am feeling a response- energy building up and it feels pleasant- so I interpret this as a clear Yes. SO what now? SO obviously if I just run away, and If I were to come back I would still have the same react...