Yogan's Journey to Life

So I'm going to be describing something that may be very hard to understand. Even with the right words, if you read it too quickly, then you are already accessing the idea of it. Being vulnerable in asking someone something: Can I go with you? Will you help me? Can I have your number? Can we hangout? Do you want to go to...? And here, imagine that you are truly saying these words as truly asking the person. Not putting up a facade, not trying to be cool, not trying to already shield/guard yourself and act like you don't care. Truly being vulnerable in truly asking for what you want and so you are declaring to the person what you want and you are in the same moment ready to hear them say Yes or No. That moment is the one I fear. I fear vulnerability. And when I look at people in general, everyone does as well. And the common advice that I hear and have been told is to be STRONG and CONFIDENT and basically FUCK THEM if they say no. And this is what I see everyone givin...

Separation Anxiety There is someone I am separate from right now and its causing this separation anxiety. A commonly used word to describe this thing. Now, I immediately see it relates to me being a child, getting lost, separate from my mom in particular, and that fear of never seeing my mom again, and somehow being lost forever, whether that's due to being kidnapped, murdered, or dying accidentally while I am lost. I have had that moment as a kid where I am wandering in the supermarket and I try to find my mom, and have that thought and anxiety of never seeing her again, and then my heart starts racing, I start believing it, and I get scared and I start to frantically check all the aisles. Another was a memory at a carnival amusement park. Same thing. So this is something physical. Its in my body. I can feel it sitting here in my body as me as my body. These memories and these reactions are here in my body as me. The emotions, the energies, the experiences are sitting here as m...

Being a Loner, a Lone Wolf, I should be able to be ALONE, not need anyone. I should be able to exist within ANYONE. That is where I should go, develop and be... All of the above is a LIE... Its a lie. The true way of living is the a mix of independence and dependence. Even more so, hold dear and deep to my heart those that bring out the best in me, those who bring me the most joy, the most expression, the most creativity, the most love, the most fun. And hold them to my heart, remember them, call them, talk to them, keep them in my EVERYDAY Life. Even though they are not physically present. I can't hold them or hug them. They are very far away. But they are more real to me, and bring out the best in me. No fact can change that fact. Except me. Just me that can take that away. Just me that won't fight for it. And I have to fight for it. Its not automatic or natural. But if I fight for it, I get it, and it is better than anything. It is real. I have to fight b...

Anger as Justice is tricky because... when you are in traffic and a car cuts you off you think to yourself what an asshole, or that they shouldn't be doing that! I can list many more examples here... someone throws their trash on the ground. someone didn't clean their dishes. someone left a mess. someone talked about you behind your back. someone took something from you without asking permission. So pretty much in all above examples it is sociably ACCEPTABLE to become angry. According to society and invisible rules you are right to get angry. At desteni though we push further, we ask the question deeper, we don't just accept things just because. We want the answer that is best for all in all ways. What does anger do here? And perhaps more importantly what does anger feel like? Have you considered that you feel good when you feel angry? Don't you? You feel empowered, strong, ready to go. The opposite of feeling weak. So anger isn't a negat...

So in a previous post I did forgiveness on my beliefs about women. In this blog I wanted to do a follow up. So, within rereading my blog post I have new insights. So, basically imagine one of those women groups or female groups that believe women are powerful, and believe women hold some special power, that there is something sacred about women, and that believe the world would be better if ran by women. Like some special female spiritual empowerment group thing. Imagine the above. Now, would you say that you want YOU to be let's say all these things: Powerful, DEEP, Strong, Compassionate, Caring, Insightful, Intelligent etc...   just because you were a women? Look at this point here. Would you want to BE anything JUST because you are a WOMAN???? If you look at this point in self-honesty you will see it is incredibly limiting and incredibly insulting to yourself and to everyone, including the female body, to think that WHO YOU ARE, what you LIVE, the words you are like...

So I have been doing some inner research today, with focusing on a particular point. This relates to when you feel hyped up and energetic. Now what I am realizing may be the case, is that since university I have been in a constant state of being alert, what we call fight or flight mode. This is because of both the demands of my school, and perhaps other reasons, including my relationship to my mind. Suffice to say, I am pretty confident that this is the case, because one thing that occurred during this time period is that I lost my appetite, meaning that I didn't feel hungry very often, or less often, I should say. So this morning I tested the point, and lo and behold, I became hungry. So all I did was to calm down, and enter into a resting state. This involved stopping a particular train of thought that I have been obsessed with the last day or yesterday. But in general I know that I have not been feeling hungry, and in general I know that there may be many points, if not the ma...

So tonight I am writing, which is the end of the day. Early today, in the morning, I made a commitment to try out something painful, as a reminder. So I am assessing right now what I have found. However, because I am writing a public blog, I should explain what I mean. So this morning, I was looking at something within me. I was firstly looking at how effective I have been in following my schedule. There was much improvement that can be done. I am also on the start making and executing a long plan, and in order for my plan to be effective I need to be consistent everyday. So I was looking into my past and seeing when I had been effective in living out a plan, or living consistently everyday. So I notice already in that moment as I looked back, that pain was something that motivated me. It was the pain of being where I was, that motivated me to seek out a better place to go, which was my college. I had to do much effort to make that happen, involving getting straight A's in h...

So im going to be pushing my body this week. I am not weak, I am strong. I can make mistakes- and learn from my mistakes and grow. I do not know if I need fear- to think so would be a presumption- so I will remove fear and find out. I also never need to insult anybody- I can just stick with fact- I do not need to create illusions- the reality here is stable enough and works well. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not know what I am doing- by being here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind, instead of being here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be present with every breath. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others and myself for writing self-forgiveness which I have considered a waste of time. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to concern myself more with appearance than with function and results.