Day 83 Friendship Dumpster

A moment where I had a chat scheduled and it didn't go according to plan and expectations. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of Guarantee

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of Scheduled

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of Planned.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of Expectations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of Security as a Feeling I get from having things planned and scheduled.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live Security as having this plans and living in a planned life, instead of Security as always being Secure within myself WITHIN this moment, which may be unplanned, unstructured, unsettled, unstable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living Spontaneity and in the Unknown.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relish within Structure and KNOWING everything that is going to happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to Losing my Structure, and my plans and my expectations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be blinded by what I want the Future to Be, that I don't see what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss out on the opportunities that are here, because I'm searching for what I think I want in my mind.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be rigid, hard and inflexible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame people who break plans and commitments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold resentment and hold it against people who break plans and promises 'to' me.

So if you have something to Say then just Fucking Say it.

Don't restrict yourself or limit yourself unnecessarily. Don't live in a box.


Just fucking live and express and see what happens.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss out on the joy, zest and flavor of life through wanting structure relationships and friendships that I can rely on. The idea of having that ONE friend that I rely on. Like in a movie or Tv series.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and create a someone as a structure relationship and structured communication that gives me stability and sanity, and essentially an outlet to dump all my crap on, just like fucking tv show or movie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a friend that is a dumpster.

Like its HEY here's my crap, I don't want it, but you can have it. Your welcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the Past Ideas of what a Friendship is like and what it should be, and what I should do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live out my Past idea of Friendship.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel awkward and stupid for doing things that are not socially acceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a fucking asshole and like be that like cause that is what feels I should do cause I am in this situation that I call Friendship that just appeared for me.

Give a Fuck
Fuckity Fuck Fuck

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and live out a script in my head, that I stick to and perform, based on what I perceive is expected of me in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my words and what I say, where I can like sense the restrictions and yet I stick to it comfortable, unconsciously, always respecting the limits as God and ALL that is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny Myself, and my self-honesty, my body, my state, my understanding, and my living here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live out past memories and moments where I like have a best friend I can call, and we call each other everyday at the same time, and like I just listen, and she just talks, and its like that is just how things are, I Am NOT the Creator of the moment, I am just receiving the gift, I am the passive receiver. I am blessed. I am lucky. And I hope it doesn't end.


Memory of my friend where her and I would talk everyday after school on the telephone. That was my only source of happiness. I needed it. I expected it. I looked forward to it. I felt sad and depressed without it. Life is a sigh without it. I felt Pain and Suffering losing her. Life lost meaning without her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live for talking with my friend after school everyday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make talking with my friend my only source of happiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel depressed, and sad with everything else in my life except talking with my friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make life just pain and suffering without having my friend in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live life like a sigh, like eor where how I breathe is a sigh, like a weight, like a burden, that being alive is just a burden.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need my friend everyday, to look forward to it with excitement, that the thought of talking to my friend is what got me through the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a polarity within myself where I stopped living here, and judged/compared everything that is here to an imagination/thought of a future moment of talking with my friend.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as depression towards living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to breathe within sighs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak within a sigh, and saying as many words as possible within one breath, in order to be "efficient" and save my "energy."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my friend, and say how without my friend, life isn't worth living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope and pray to God that my friend is safe and that we can continue to be Friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel fear and anxiousness in not having control of my reality and self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need someone in my reality that I can dump my shit on to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear whatever causes me to lose my friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living open, honesty, real, being myself for fear that it may cause my friend to leave.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live quiet, controlled, restricted, constricted, frozen, so as to not do ANYTHING that can cause my friend to react and leave, where I rather just be a quiet boy, and frozen like in Jurassic park and the T-Rex. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious and anxiety in my breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny my own self-honesty for fear of losing my friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not do what is best for me.


Solution- Live as self-security, being secure within myself, by myself. Live as self-responsibility, taking responsibility for what comes up within me. Listen to my self-honesty, do what is best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not create and develop a real friendship based on each living self-honesty, self-responsibility, self-security, and doing what is best.