Sunday, July 30, 2017

Day 15 Enjoying the physical

So I have been enjoying the physical.

Enjoying the physical sound of music. Enjoying the feeling of my hand outside my car driving, feeling the wind. Being here in my body and addressing/stopping any physical pains. Enjoying the feeling of water on my body while showering. Enjoying the feeling of the cloth in bed. Enjoying the flavor and taste of pickles, bread, cheese. Enjoying the physical sun. Enjoying breathing heavily while working outside. Enjoying paying attention and focusing on a physical project and making it the best outcome. Enjoying playing a trick/joke on other people. Enjoying myself/alone. Enjoying my presence. Enjoying my gentleness and softness. Enjoying my ability to move and express anything I want to express in the moment. Enjoying my ability to work long hours. Enjoying my complete intimacy and depth with myself. Enjoying my own sound while singing. Enjoying my own dance while dancing. Enjoying the feel of my own clothes. Enjoying all of physical reality, in my physical body.

Enjoying my own command and direction of my body in physical reality. Enjoying a stretch of my arms, and rubbing of my face. Enjoying holding myself with my own hands/arms. Making myself comfortable and removing discomfort. Doing what I need to get things done well, and using any time/opportunity available to enjoy myself, which means while working. I work in an enjoyable way.

I am Fun. I am Joy.

Dancing as the physical. Listening to the music intently. Moving the body with the music, playing with the music with my body. Creating something in the moment. Being me. No thinking. No emotion. No fear. Just Me, Just Physical.

Anything is possible. I can be anything, move in anyway. I can face any fear. I can change any part of me. I am physical. I am not mind, emotion, thought or feeling. I am physical. I can just move, dance, sing, read, write, in any moment. There is no limitation. Anything that is not physical I can drop and its gone.

The air is something physical. My breathing is physical. The water is something physical. They exist without thought. They don't need a mind. I don't need a mind. I can just move my legs, move my arms, move my hands. I can create anything. There is no good, there is no bad, there is no right or wrong. There is no positive or negative. Killing is not bad, dying is not bad. It is not good either. It just is. The physical is physical. Everything that is mind, everything that is personality, everything that is ego, perception, opinion and belief doesn't exist in the physical. In the physical, there is just the physical. When something dies the body transforms. It is not bad.

Things that are ugly don't exist. Things that are beautiful don't exist. There are just things everywhere. Everything is equal. You can create yourself as anything. You don't ever have to feel negative or bad about your looks ever again. You don't ever have to feel good or bad about your looks or anyone else's looks. You can just create and observe other people's creation. You can just be joy, and enjoy being with others expression. Enjoy being here. Enjoy the creations, the expression. Enjoy the physical. There is no idea about limitation or impossibility. There is no negativity. There is no positivity, there just exist creation, physical and all existence.

Everything is alive. The physical is alive. The air is alive. The water is alive. The computers are alive. The wood is alive. The chairs are alive. The food is alive. Ice cream is alive. Every physical Thing, every THING is alive. Things which are not things, are not physical things are not alive. Thought is not alive, emotions and feelings are not alive. The mind is not a thing, it is not a physical thing. It is not alive.

To be joy you cannot be of the mind. You cannot be of something that is not real, not alive. The mind is not alive. If you are of the mind you are not alive, and you cannot live Joy. Everything of the mind is dead. Joy of the mind is dead joy. A ghost. Joy that is actually anger and fear. Joy that is actually resentment and blame. Joy that is conditional, limited. Joy that is harmful, violent. Joy of the mind is not real joy, it is destruction and pain. Joy of Life, is perfect in all ways. Joy of Mind is imperfect in all ways. There is one right decision, and one wrong decision. This is the only Black and White point. Are you of the mind? Or are you of the physical/Life? Only can be one or the other. 

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Day 14 Creating the Moment

The very basic tenets from Desteni is that Emotions, feelings and thoughts? Problems. And its not because Desteni says so. I never listened to anybody just because they say so. Cause that's stupid.

But when I heard the first time from Desteni how they describe how Energy works, and how emotions, feelings and thoughts work. Immediately knew it was true because I could see right away across my entire life how this has occurred. Every time I get excited about something or someone I get stupid, where I miss some things or ignore some things and I inevitably create my own downfall and create misery and suffering for myself. I mean, I could tell already in that moment that normal people wouldn't want to believe this to be true, or shall I say deny looking at how it is true and has happened across their entire lives. But its true. And most people will deny it. People will argue that love and light is good. People will defend the right to feel happy and pursue happiness, because it sounds good and right. Is it right? Does it actually lead to good things? Or has it led to bad things?

Like assuming that you have pursued happiness and love, and light your entire life, answer me this right now. Are you happy right now? Is everything good in your life? Is it? Do you feel satisfied, whole and complete that if you died right now, you would die within that satisfaction?

No one can answer that with a big FAT honest YES!!!!!!! Can you?

This ALL has been known for a long time. Religion knows it. The Economy knows it. Both of these forces are completely built on the knowledge that people are not satisfied that they are incomplete and in constant need/hunger for something.

Spirituality, gurus, masters, know it too.

Only children don't really know it. But once they grow up they know it.

 No one has provided a full answer. A full path that leads to fullness.

Except for me, before Desteni, I observed sparks of it. The message of Jesus showed that potential spark. Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr also showed it within their eyes and words. There have been people that lived parts of it. I grew up knowing this potential and seeking this potential. The truth consumed me.

Desteni, laid out the path scientifically. They describe how emotions work and how feelings work. They described how thoughts work.  It made sense. And it still makes sense. Basically we have to get physical. We have to get out of our heads and out of energy, and get back in the physical body. These physical arms, legs, heart, muscles, brain, tongue, everything. The physical is what is real. The mind stuff is made up mental stuff. Its mental! All of it. What you feel is not a physical thing. You are not feeling water with your hand. Your feeling something energetic that is your own creation.

It is really stupid to listen to your own emotions and thoughts because it is confirmation bias. You are literally confirming to yourself the reason why you should do something even though you are the one providing the reason to yourself! It's ludicrous and stupid. We believe what we believe, because we are Creating, making up on the spot, the very reason why to believe it. When it is an emotion! A feeling! We are making it up!

For something to be true it needs verifiable, physical evidence. Not emotional evidence, which we then have the balls to call it intuition, and say that we had a gut feeling, and they we start TRUSTING what we feel. I mean, Really?

Is this what the human being has come to?

How pathetic are we?

So impulsive, so quick to judge, so emotional, where we then consider and believe in so many things that should actually just be a natural physical parts of ourselves, passion, Life, vitality, and we start relating to these words as FEELINGS and Emotions. You don't feel life, you ARE LIFE. Passion is not something you FEEL, its something you live. That energy you feel, is not even real, and its the most rudimentary, simplistic, limited form of living/expression in existence, that it shouldn't even be called living/expression, because you are not living or expressing, you are just Feeling. You are just on the receiving end. It's like you are in a fucking coma. Not moving at all, just totally stuck in your own head and all the chaos going on inside of you. Is this who we are? Is this what we have come to?

It's pathetic.

This is what I realized and known for a long time. We as Humanity are pathetic. We don't know what it means to really live. I mean for godsake, we actually believe we need substances like alcohol and drugs to feel good. I mean really? You can't just decide to be happy, decide to jump up and down, decide to dance, decide to enjoy yourself. You can't do that? You can't? If you can't then let me tell you something, something is SERIOUSLY wrong with you. You don't have will. You don't have directive principle. You are not control of your own body, and so of course you're not in any real control over anything else. If you can't decide what you are expressing, you are in deep shit. You really are. And guess what, that's is where we ALL are. No one is better. We are all limited as FUCK. Seriously, look around. No one can really control their emotions, just decide to feel good. They all need drugs, alcohol, entertainment, sex with someone, masturbate to something, find some relief somewhere, receive attention, Blah, blah blah.

Where is the guy or gal that can just BE. Can just take a stroll outside and just feel better. Who can just let go of all the shit within them in an instant. Can just decide to jump up and down and sing, BECAUSE THEY CAN. Because they are a fucking creator and they create the moment. They don't need fucking permission. They are alive. And creating is who they are. If you are not creating the moment, know that you are not alive.

 This is the ONLY ONE PATH to life. If you don't walk this path, then you are definitely not on the right path. And I am not talking about Desteni, the group. I am talking about the all the shit you have done to yourself and others since the beginning of time. You are shitty. And Desteni are simply people united in the fact that we are all shitty, and we are going to fucking learn how to get out of this shit and start living for real, for once and then for all. So you'd be smart to join and get the help from some others. Do with it what you will. But know one thing. Only you can prevent yourself from doing anymore harm. A billion angels, a billion gurus, masters, a billion amount of support can't force you or make you do shit. YOU have to be the one that fucking stands up like an equal, with some dignity, respect, humility, eagerness and willingness to lean. You can't buy that shit with all the money in the world. You just have to fucking do it, and be it.

So do you have any life in you? Is there anyone in there that can still hear? Do you have a CHANCE of making it? Only you know. I don't know, how can I? I am just typing here. Maybe see you around. Maybe not, the choice is yours.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Day 13 How to attain Supernatural Powers?

Achieve Integrity.

Integrity is the single most powerful force. A man with integrity will stop at nothing. A man with integrity can banish all fears. A man with integrity can command the physical. A man with integrity will vanquish all limitations. A man with integrity will bring about a new world.

Integrity is the single most valuable thing. It is more valuable than all the money in the world. It is more valuable than all the relationships in the world. It is more valuable than all the Love and all the Sex in the world. It is more valuable than all the Drugs in the world. It more valuable than all the highs in the world combined.

Nothing is more valuable than Integrity.

Integrity is standing by and for what is best for all, as all as one and equal.

Integrity is incorruptible. It is steadfast, unwavering and absolute. It is righteous, powerful, unstoppable. Integrity cannot be swayed, bribed, persuaded. Integrity cannot be moved, faltered, or weakened.

A man with Integrity has no personality, no history. He has no identity.

A man with Integrity doesn't exist, yet he exists everywhere. He is alive, immortal, forever present.

Integrity cannot be killed.

A man who lives integrity is a gift to this entire world. He is also the greatest villain in the eyes of the world. He will be opposed, hated, and hunted down.

Integrity threatens to change the entire world and shift the balance of power. Where all those who have no integrity will lose all, and those who have integrity gain all.

A man with Integrity can never  be deceived or tricked to not be Integrity. Integrity will always stand as long as the man stands within Integrity.

The man with Integrity will bring forth your own greatest lies and greatest deceptions so you may face them, so you may learn like how he learned.

With self-forgiveness you can become Integrity.

Achieving Integrity will be the most important thing you ever do. Or the most important thing you ever failed to do. It will open the doors to Life, or seal them shut.

Only you determine your fate. Only you have the power.

What destiny do you create?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live Integrity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie, cheat, steal, harm, hurt, kill, destroy for the sake of my own pleasure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow a world where people have to lie, cheat, steal, harm, hurt, kill, destroy for SURVIVAL

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live an ordinary life, instead of an extra-ordinary life, where I become the answer to the world's problems, by becoming and living integrity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the world's everyday reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only live for me and my life.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Day 12 I took an Aptitude Test

So I am the process of finding work. And something I thought of doing is to take an aptitude test.

I found something interesting.

In the aptitude test, I saw that my Strengths and skills are in math, analytical thinking, logic, reading, writing, solitary work.

My weaknesses are social interaction, working with people.

The aptitude test also asked what my interests were. I looked down the entire list. Nothing interested me. The closest thing is Philosophy. So in the list there were things like economics, finances, construction, everything. The one thing I would like to do is help people become better, to become more aware of themselves, and learn. That is my interest.

The aptitude test then asked me what my preferred working environment is.

I love working outdoors, I could work outdoors the entire day. I love it. That is my preferred working environment.

So to summarize my ideal job would involve

1. Strengths- Math, analytical thinking, numbers, logic, mental labor
2. Interest - Helping people to become better, learn about themselves, evolve as a person
3. Environment- Working outdoors.

So basically, this job doesn't exist. It's no secret.

How did I arrive to where I am?

I don't have a very strong body. I could get one, and I could work outdoors in a labor job. Yet, it doesn't pay very well and I wouldn't be as good as OTHER people.

If I pursue my interest, I could work with people in helping them. Maybe in school context, maybe as a psychologist, or social worker, yet I don't good people skills. I could maybe get these skills but it would take who knows how long.

If I pursue my strengths, I would be good at what I do compared to other people. I could do office work where I work by myself, I do the numbers, I keep track of finances. Am I interest in this? No. Is this my prefer working environment? No.

Out of all the three things, which one do I have most chance of success pursuing, naturally that which I am more better at than other people, because the economy is a competition not a charity. So working with numbers. Even though I am not interested in it.

How, why am I good at numbers? Because I studied. For the majority of my life I did school work seriously.

When I was about 8 or nine years old my music teacher asked me if I wanted to sing in the choir. I said no, thinking to myself that I would have no future in a job with singing. That is right, at already that young age I was making decisions on what to do so that I could get a job. Already at that age. I could have sung and sing, but I didn't. I knew math, engineering, mathematician was the BEST future. At least that is what practically every adult said. Math is a great skill. Its so rare to be good at math. With math you can get a good job. Etc... Everyone said it. And naturally I loved my parents, I loved my teachers, and I trusted everyone. So I became that which they said.

I didn't pursue my interests. I didn't develop the skills that would enable me to pursue my interests. I developed skills that would get me a well paying job. And I did that for 15 years. Do you want to know why I am not good at social skills? There are various factors, but one of them is this. I didn't pursue my interests. I pursued, math, studies, school, becoming educated. Other people slacked off. Other people went to parties, other people socialized and had relationships. And that is where they practiced their social skills. I didn't.

So here I am at 27 years of age. Social skills take a large majority of jobs. If you don't have social skills you are locked out of so many jobs. Basically anything where you work with people directly.

So, I don't have a choice. I can get lucky maybe, with someone who is charitable that will hire to work in helping people where I get training and support to develop social skills that will take many years, maybe 5, 7, 10 years, something equivalent to what other people received growing up in childhood.Maybe. But that is a snowballs chance in hell.

Right now, what I can do is work in finances, in an office doing numbers. Will I be good at it? Yes. Will I enjoy it? Yes, because I enjoy math, I like it. Is what I want to be doing? No. Am I interested by it? No. Will I like my environment? Well I hope I can eat lunch outside, because I love being outside, otherwise I don't prefer inside, I also don't dislike it.

Will I make enough money to support myself? Yes and then some.
Is there a future for career advancement? Yes.

Still, it won't be what I am interested in. But with the money I make I can DO something with it.

Looking at the alternative scenario. If I would have pursued my interests, like do singing, being creative, or being strong physically. The jobs pay less and are not as valued in the world system. And you are competing with lots of people who can do the same work.

So I developed skills that are more desirable in the world system, even though I am interested in the work.

In a different world system, it would make sense if I pursued my interests.

Sadly, it does not make sense to pursue your interests.

I would like to use the money I earn so that I can change the system, where one day it will make sense for everyone to pursue their interests. So another me in another life can live more fully and more in alignment with their inner self.

I see it as my mission and purpose to do the work, to make the money, to make the sacrifice, so that one day things will change due to my effort, force and influence, along with many others who join me equally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad that I won't be able to work with what I am interested in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad that we live in a world system that is about competition and whatever makes money.

I forgive myself fo accepting and allowing myself to feel sad that so many children, like me, willing be basing their entire life, including childhood on whatever makes money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel frustrated, sad and tired, at the challenges that is here before all of us, instead of tying my shoes, and getting ready for the long haul and the work I will do across the rest of my life that will change things eventually.

Day 11 A little word called Love

This blog post may not be so great. The thing I worked on today involves my relationship with my mom, at an early age. She was my root, my connection to this world. She was my world, my sun, my everything. I felt like I connected to her, I felt understood, I felt I received attention. And when I was not with her I noticed the difference. When I started school, I notice most people, or  really no one gave me that same attention and treated me that way. What I can observe now is that as I met people that actually in some way did give me attention and was nice and kind to me, I started really liking those people, having crushes on them, or just wanted to hug them. You have to understand that I felt so much love for my mom, then I would love to go up to her and hug her. And I related to some of my teachers this way.

But why is this?

Why feel this way?

Because what happens later is the relationship falls apart, where I start talking about things where she doesn't understand. I start seeing a future in places that she doesn't accept. And then the relationship is no more. Yet, I still continue to look for that same level of relationship with someone else. Hence all my crushes, and people I am attracted to, etc... I go after that same level of relationship, of closesness and connection.

Again, why?

Why do I like this or enjoy this?

What am I really living or contributing? Who am I within this?

As a child I didn't really understand points of justice, responsibility, and best for all. I only knew my mom. But points like justice, responsibility and best for all are more important than what you feel with a person or any person. If that person is not living responsibility, justice and best for all, then how can you really feel positive/good? Yet you do.

Our feelings are not tied to points like justice, responsibility and best for all. We don't, for example see a person who is doing what is best for all, and living what is responsible, and then all of a sudden swoon over them, and fall in love. We don't do that.

Instead what we do is that when we receive attention, when we become the center of someone else's world do we start swooning and falling in love. So right now, love, falling in love, and just love in general with anyone, is stupid. Stupid like it really leads to stupid outcomes that are harmful and not best for all outcome. It is a stupidity.

Does it feel good? Yes. Do you want to feel this way? Yes. Is it best for all? No.

I mean its pretty funny imagining people falling in love with other people because a person is living what is best for all. That actually may be little better. But at the same time, we get pretty stupid when we feel love, and we also are not being the creator of our lives or directors when feeling take over. I do suspect though that you can fuck with your own programming by point out all the ways what is best for all is not here within your supposed perfect partner.

It's like the mind wants to say, BUT look at all the wonderful things they do FOR ME!!! I mean yes that is how you get someone to fall in love, you serve them, and make them the center of your world. That is what parents do!

But that is not equality. In equality, there is no love. There is no specialness. There is you and them. Each equally living and being alive.

So in a real ideal world, there is Justice, Responsibility and what is best for all. Love is not a part of that picture.

Funny how Signmund Freud was sort of right. In how we look for partners like our parents. Because our parents is our first connection/relationship to the word Love.

The word love is a sham though because of all the harm and suffering caused because of Love. If you are really honest with yourself you will see it.

So what I am in the process doing is letting go of this layer of Love within me, which is like all these memories from childhood where I lived love intensely and also with some partners. I also notice that I am super depressed when I don't have that connection with someone, even as a child, just when I was not with my mom. So Love, actually shaped my entire life, where I have been mostly depressed me entire life, except moments where I spend with love ones. This is the true face of love, depression. Without love, you can just be yourself.

Love is not a solution it is actually creating the harm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel love even though I can see it causes me harm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel love even though it leads to depression.

I forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to feel love even though I ignore all the bad, harmful things people do that I love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make love okay and acceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harm others in the name of love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time pursing love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Kill in the name of Love.

I forgive myself for Not accepting and allowing myself to see that love is Evol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care that I feel depressed most of the time as long as I get to feel love sometimes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care all the harms and troubles I cause myself for the sake of feeling love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value Love over my Life.

When and as I see myself feeling love, I stop and I breathe- I realize that love is a feeling and just energy and not real- I realize that love is actually evil, and suffering and harm and depression- I realize that I don't need love- I realize that there is an entire life waiting for me outside of love- I realize that for me to truly live I need to drop love completely - I realize the true value of a person is how responsible they are, how just they are and how well they live what is best for all, and so what I feel for them is irrelevant.

I commit myself to stop all love in my life and start living as responsibility, best for all, and justice for all.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

day 10 I don't care what other people think of me

So saying/making the statement I don't care what other people think of me, I feel guilty, bad, resistant like anyone who ever makes this statement shouldn't. Because they are probably suppressing something, hiding something, and that's why they are saying it.

Well here is an example of utilizing myself to create what is best for all.

Because if I don't even take my thoughts seriously meaning I am actively stopping, and not listening or trusting any thought within me. Why in hell would I feel any differently to what other people think, the thoughts other people have, the opinions, beliefs, judgements, statements. I mean I would only be making it equal, how I view my thoughts, and other people's thoughts.

So when I made this statement I saw a change, where I become more effective in what I do.

Thoughts are thoughts. Whether they are within you or another person. Its still a thought. Thoughts in themselves are not in the physical or substantial. And the thoughts that occur in the mind are lies. Its a value that is not real.

So in a moment where someone tells me something about me that I don't like, well I can make the statement within me, well I don't even care what you think. And then I just continue being me, living me. My typical reaction is to in a way withdraw, become sheepish, weak, reserved, not knowing what to do.

When I just focus on me, and what I do, and what I can do, the life is good. I am not focused on MY thoughts or YOUR thoughts, or HIS thoughts or HER thoughts. Cause thoughts are all the same. So you can say I don't care about any thought.

Your thought has no value and no affect on me. I don't care. What I do care about is reality, the physical, and what is best for all.

I find that many people bully with their thoughts where they want to bring others down so they can get on top. Well now I can just say to myself I don't even care what they think, I give no value to their thoughts or mind. The mind HATES such a statement, because people's minds want your attention, want your reaction, want your participation in the game.

And when you stop reacting, miracles happen.

I am not disrespecting a person when I no longer care or react to a person's thoughts. Because thoughts in themselves are disrespectful to life. Thoughts are not part of life, of what is best for all. Thoughts cause harm and suffering.

It doesn't make me a bad person to not care what other people think.

It actually makes me "good" when I don't care what other people think because I am actually taking a stand for the physical, for life, for what is best for all, where I only allow that which is real, substantial, direct, here, considering all to receive my attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value in anyway whatsoever the opinions, thoughts, perceptions and beliefs of anyone, including me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not just consider what is physical, practical and real as the true value of words/communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to peoples thoughts, opinions and beliefs, whether positive or negative, because then I would validate it, and treat it as real within me.

I commit myself to live physically, and be physically, which requires not caring at all about what is going in the mind of any person, and so not giving it at all the same value as what is physically real, here and so true.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Day 9 Strength

Strength, Being Strong. Speaking strong. Moving Strong. My Strength

I have always been strong enough. I am strong. I have only suppressed it, muffles it, snuffed it out, with fear. I am afraid of being strong and using my strength to change the world. I am afraid of having an affect on people, on having power over people, on having power over the fate of the world, and the lives of individuals. I am afraid of having the ability through speech alone being able to motivate, move people into a direction. I am afraid of the responsibility. I am afraid of failing and being corrupted by power. I fear having power and being powerful.

 All these fears are lies. Because being weak, doing nothing, just not participating, not having an affect, not having a say, your just sealing the already existent fate of the world. Right now, it is certain that by doing nothing your damning the world and everyone to hell. That is our current trajectory. So doing something, anything is damn sure better. Power is not something to fear. The mind wants you to be afraid, because if you don't change anything, it stays the same and the world stays the same. But if you do change it, if you wield your power, then you will change.

 I remember the moment where I spoke how I was afraid of my own strength at how powerful I was in a moment. I was told not to fight against myself. I am power, I am strength. It already exists, I am just suppressing it, hiding it, being afraid of it.

We need me to live my best, to wield my power and change the world. I can and I will.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of my own strength, capability, and potential to change the world and the lives of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide, suppress, muffle, stifle, hold, back, weaken my own strength, power and authority to change everything/anything, including me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear creating consequences and to fear creating harm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to afraid being strong, being unstoppable, being determined, unwavering, absolute, unflinching, unmoved, unmovable and insurmountable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear maybe being wrong, and maybe causing harm and maybe it would be better to do nothing, and maybe I have no idea what I am doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own ability to shape and create this world and reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed, doubtful, worried, anxious, nervous, scared of myself and any my ability to create the moment.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to use my power to serve and create a world that is best for all exactly how I see it and understand it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear creating mistakes, and failures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own process of creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own strength.

I commit myself to utilize my strength to serve what is best for everyone.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

The video on Fear

Day 8 True Enlightenment

I grew up in an environment where enlightenment was considered real. so I expected that through meditation, which meant like sitting in the room and not thinking, I would get enlightened. Where I would be happy all the time, and have all the right things to say in any moment. And nothing and no one can touch me, make me react in anyway, forever., permanently.

Looking back now, I just didn't have the proper understanding of how the mind works. Though I tested the tools I had to the extreme. So I saw directly meditation is not enough. That was when I found the desteni tools. I found that self-forgiveness can stop thoughts, emotions/feelings in the moment, and you can move as your body without thought.

So its not that I disowned enlightenment, or think it was stupid. I just found the actually way to get there. This is what changed in my understanding:

1. It will happen in one moment  VS You will physically, practically change yourself point by point

2. You just need to stop your thoughts, so in your head say stop, and create silence  VS. You need to forgive your self for accepting and allowing your thoughts, and also your feelings, which are positive, and your emotions which are negative, and you need to physically move yourself now, no longer relying on your thoughts to tell you what to do, and your emotions/feelings to motivate you.

3. You will never react anymore  VS   You will react, but you can forgive in the moment instantly and be able to change instantly, which only comes through practice.

4. Your mind will be silent and you will experience great bliss   VS   You can use you mind, and you will just be physical here which is naturally rewarding, because you are constantly here with what is physically going on like eating, drinking, the feel of air, the feel of the body, the feel of a shower, so all physical sensations. You don't experience a great bliss that is just inside of you separate from the physical reality around you.

For me, walking the desteni process is the true version of enlightenment. And it is way better, and it can actually work. Desteni process means stopping your thoughts, emotions and feelings, and start moving yourself again physically, breath by breath. It means you will become a physical being. We have currently separated ourselves from physical reality. We are separate from our breath, we are separate from our physical pains, our physical sensations. We are separated because we are spending our time in our minds, within what we think, feel and imagine. We have become a mental persona and projection. Ask yourself, who would you be and what would you do if everything in your mind didn't exist and all you had was your body? 

I had thoroughly tested meditation, and I found that my thoughts and emotions only swung from positive to negative, and back to positive. I would experience great highs and then lows. In truth, this reveals exactly what was researched at Desteni, that your emotions and feelings are one, they are both energy. To participate in one is to participate in the other. If you truly want to stop your thoughts you need to let go both emotions and feelings. But not to worry, your life won't become meaningless and empty. The actual physical reality and sensation is full of life. It is just like when you were a kid and everything was new. You didn't have ideas or beliefs or any sort of history with anything. So you would experience physical reality directly in all its glory. But then over time you start having ideas an opinions about physical reality and sensation. You start having preferences, likes and dislikes. You start creating your own interpretation, belief, and opinion about how things are and how they feel.

That is were the fuckup started and that is currently where we are at. Every single belief, opinion, interpretation, idea is a lie. It is a lie because its not physical. It is a lie because its not substantial. It is a lie because it doesn't exist and stand on its own. Your thoughts, emotions and feelings, both positive and negative exist as this. They are fictitious, they are invisible, intangible, untouchable, and unknowable by anyone else but you.

Everything in physical reality is the opposite. It is observable, knowable, and touchable by all. It can be sense. You can feel the air touching your hand as you swing your arm. And everyone else can sense it too. It is not debatable. It exists. The more we humans are separate from physical reality the more fuckup we create, and more suffering we experience. And self-forgiveness is the way to get back to physical reality.

Become a physical being walking on this physical earth. That's not something you THINK, that is something you become or ARE. So are you, yet? Are you a physical being walking in this physical reality, in this physical world but not of this mental world? Are you mental? Join me in self-forgiveness. Learn from my example.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from this physical reality and enter into my head where I follow the instructions of my thoughts instead of taking the responsibility, the driver seat of moving myself in this physical reality, one and equal with and as my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my emotions and feelings, where I simply follow what feels good and stay away from what feels bad, never questioning why do I feel this way, simply following it like that is real, or me, or maybe divine guidance and divine intervention leading me to the right path.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take a leap of faith and see whether I can direct myself in physical reality and I don't in fact need the guidance that my thoughts, and emotions and feelings have given me, and to also not remember all the times I was led astray, and created bad outcomes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attack someone, hurt someone, judge someone, cause suffering, torment, and pain in someone else's life because how I felt and think told me they were a bad person, where I felt angry and bad in their presence, and felt emotional, and thought and imagined what they could be doing secretly and what they might do in the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create great suffering because I followed a mind who only cares for its own existence and current status of living, where I have sacrificed others, I have tricked, deceived, manipulated others, because it felt good and right, and I benefited from it and I justified it through my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the villian, the evil one, the good one, the great one, while in secret and in disguise doing harm, where I played both parts, both sides, instead of becoming the true champion that is needed, someone who is the real version of good, someone who is not compromised, someone who stands, someone who can handle and wield power for what is best for all and not be corrupted, because I could be someone who is not biased, or moved, or swung or tempted because I am not operating by emotions and feelings, by what feels good, right, bad or wrong. I am someone who is completely empty and still inside, who can create things according to physical facts, physical information, and physical investigation.

I forgive myself for not remembering what is was like being a child in this world, and to forget my own suffering.

I commit myself to make a better world where if I was born into it again, I as that child would be taken care of, supported, and be surrounded in a world where people are not emotional or feeling, where people are not thinkers, where everyone is physical, in their bodies, caring for me as a child, any child, with the highest amount of regard, respect, consideration, and honor and support, like I am them, like everyone is me, one and equal.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Day 7 Equal Love

When I had a partner I told her that I love her equally. We were talking about how come we loved each other, and I told her, "In truth I know that I could love anyone equally, meaning that it just happens to be you, but it could have been anyone." Suffice to say, NO ONE, in present times, would want to hear that. What do people want to hear, they want to hear how you are special, how you are so beautiful, so wonderful, so precious. My father even tried to teach me that. So this is no secret.

But I didn't do that in that moment. For me, I tried not to add any energy to the relationship. I tried to maintain oneness and equality. Because relationships based on specialness or unequal love, is a lie. If you love anyone more than anyone else, that is a lie.

Equal love is true love. Equal love is loving everyone equally. This isn't a grand statement. You don't try to increase the energy within you to feel love for everyone. You actually decrease the energy within you so that you can love everyone equally. Equality has no energy.

Again, Equality has no energy.

When you are unequal there is energy. There is positive energy and negative energy.

When you become more than, there is positive energy.

When you become less than there is negative energy.

When you are equal there is no energy.

It is possible to love everyone equally. You just can't feel high anymore.

You can also say you hate everyone equally, again no energy. It's a bit more confusing I suppose, but what the hell.

I mean if you love everyone equally, you need to treat them as yourself. So you equally love yourself as you love them. So you can hate yourself when you do something you shouldn't. You can hate another when they do something evil. Which means you reprimand them, you point out what they did wrong and how to correct. This is also love. To assist and support another and show them the way is love. To assist and support yourself and show yourself the way is love. It is also hate. Whatever word you want to describe it, you could. I suppose you can reserve hate when it is tough love, whatever you want. But in the end it is equal love and equal hate, when there is no energy. No energy is the key.

No energy is the key to equality.

The Equal - Key. Equality

Telling someone you love them equally to any person, meaning that you wouldn't mind if you were someone else, is an insult. Its an insult to the mind. So, Good!!! Insults can be aligned to what is best for all. I mean you weren't trying to insult them, but if someone is insulted by what is best for all, by oneness and equality, by that which will actually bring Peace on Earth, well then its a good insult, haha.

So see within yourself, do you love everyone equality. This includes strangers, this includes people you will never meet. I mean it is difficult, but with self-forgiveness you can do it. Forgiveness yourself for making yourself greater. Forgive yourself for making yourself lesser. Forgive yourself for making someone else grander or lesser than anyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love someone more than someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love unequally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love a certain group of people more than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love myself more than others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love others more than myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love my family more than others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love someone less than others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love my partner as more or less than others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love nature and animals as more or less than others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love my children as more or less than others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love other children as more or less than my children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love other people as more than my family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love other people as more than my partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love beautiful people as more than myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love beautiful people less than I love myself.

Anytime and anywhere you view ANY group or individual as MORE or LESS than any other, that is separation, and that is generating energy, and that is not equality, and THAT won't lead to a world that is BEST FOR ALL, as all as one and equal. So you aren't allowed anymore to do that. The greatness, the lesserness. You wouldn't want to be treated as lesser than anyone. But you DO want to be treated as greater by anyone. So it is your pleasure, it is in your self-interest. You want to be the greatest, according to what others say, in their eyes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love being loved, to love being the greatest in someone else's eyes, to love having that belief and attention from another that I am the greater than other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get high off of what people tell me, telling me that I am beautiful, that I am handsome, I am attractive, I am the greatest, I am so good, I am so sweet, kind, talented, the best, the most desirable person, better than so many others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do whatever it takes to get this feedback, to get this love from others, changing how I look, changing my hair, changing my body, putting makeup on, losing weight, gaining weight, getting more fit, being nicer, being kinder, being sweeter, being friendlier, being likeable, being funny, being irresistible, being horny, being seductive, being forward, being easy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do great harm to others and this entire reality by accepting and allowing myself to pursue love, to pursue greatness in the eyes of others, not caring how I am harming through accepting and allowing a nature and condition of inequality, where some will need to be lesser so that others can be greater, and so thereby accepting and allowing a world built on inequality and separation, where winners and losers are created, where enemies and friends are created, where good and evil is created, all the endless dance that leads to endless suffering, destruction, suppression, and denial of Life is all that exists.

I commit myself to end love as we know it.

I commit myself to love equally, without energy.

I commit myself to speak to everyone and interact with everything within and as Equality, where when I speak with them it is just like I am speaking to myself, within equality, without energy.

I commit myself to bring about a world that is best for all, where all is one and equal, that is a true paradise.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Day 6 Judging because you think you know

Judging people before you get to know them.

This leads to great suffering. Judgment. What is Judgment? Judgment is when you have a thought, a thought about something, and you believe it, and charge it emotionally. The truth doesn't need believing it just exists, and it exists without emotion or feeling. So judgment is not that.

 How many times have judged something or someone. Maybe it is a group of people. Maybe its people with money, without money, beautiful people, ugly people, happy people, sad people, loners, popular people, friendly people, nasty people, spiritual people, pessimistic people. All of these words represent forms of judgment. Because there is no way one word can define an entire person. Looking at what was said yesterday, Evil needs to stop. So here Judgment is evil, and evil, the act of evil, and the thoughts must stop. Because this evil, judgment leads to suffering.

How many opportunities did you screw up because of what you judged another to be, and therefore not allowing yourself to get to know them? How many people did you push away? How many potentially supportive and great friendships and relationships never came into being? How many? And how often you have come face to face with people judging you? Where they didn't want to talk to you, didn't want you to be part of their lives, didn't see any value or reason to be with you? When all the while you KNOW they didn't even know you. So whenever you judge you are denying a great opportunity, and so creating suffering in your life and the lives of others.

There is no reason ever for judgment to exist. There is no reason ever to never get to know someone. There is no reason ever to say no, before you really know.

It's like being a picky eater. When you don't like certain foods. How can you say no to something that you don't know, and then pretend to know when all the while you are just believing. Belief is not the same as knowing.

Anyone who judges is evil. And this is a fact, because judgment creates suffering. So anyone who judges creates suffering. So look at whether you are willing to stop judging and then compare yourself to what I said here. If you are not willing then you are evil. If you stop judgment that doesn't make you good. It's not about good, its about stopping/preventing suffering. The suffering you cause to yourself and those around you. You are responsible for that.

If you continue to judge you will find yourself alone. You will create a future for yourself where you will be stuck with yourself and you will endlessly judge yourself. You will be stuck forever in constant pain and torment. Until you are ready to forgive and release all judgment to everyone and everything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others, other people, those around me, people in my life, people I spend time with, people I see on the street, people I see online, people I see at work, people I see on tv, on the news, famous people, all people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, to judge how I look, how I talk, how I speak, how I write, how I am, how I walk, how I sing, how I dance, how I move, how I see, what I know, what I do, what I can create, my abilities, my personalities, my hobbies, my skills, my talents, my temperament, my presence, my knowledge, my experience, my accomplishments, my achievements, my daily life, my self-experience and my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my past, my future, my present, my opportunities, my plans, my goals, my dreams, my current reality, my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the lives of others, to compare and contrast myself to others, others to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create ideas, opinions and beliefs about someone I just met, and try to categorize this person into a box in my head, and place a label on them, about who they are, what they can and can't do, about what they will do, about how they are, about what threat they are to me, or what benefit they are to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my thoughts. I realize all my thoughts are lies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen, believe and follow what I think without question.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be evil by judging others, and so empower and excuse myself to do the following: dismissing others, attacking others, disrespecting others, isolating others, ignoring others, telling lies about others, spreading gossip about others, hitting others, bullying, teasing, hurting, pushing, picking on, annoying, poking, tripping, insulting, giving the cold shoulder, spreading rumors, and making them cry, ALL because I judged them and believe what I judge to be TRUE, even though I know I don't really know, but it gives me PLEASURE and JOY to believe I DO.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ENJOY, and take pleasure in judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to judge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy, and excitement, and thrill, and pleasure in judging.

Everyone who judges enjoys it. Everyone who causes suffering enjoys causing suffering. And Everyone hides this fact. Everyone wants to believe they are good so they hide the fact that they feel good when they judge, and so hurt and cause suffering to others. But they do, they do enjoy it, they do relish in it, and like it when they judge someone. If you didn't enjoy it then why do it do it so much! Be honest. You will smile when you judge. You will feel happy when you cause suffering. It is only publicly acceptable to be happy at the suffering of others when the judgment is that someone ELSE is BAD and EVIL. Ironic no? It's ironic because you are in fact the evil, and according to your words you would be punished and suffer for being evil. But punishment and suffering is not a solution for evil and it never will be. The only solution is Self-forgiveness. That is the Only solution.

Judgment is suffering. If you judge you are evil and you enjoy being you. The only solution is to stop through self-forgiveness. Stop yourself. Otherwise you will face the consequence. You will face the suffering you have cause to others. You will suffer and it will be by your hand. This is the law of the universe. And death is not an escape. Death is where you will face your entire life and face what you did to everyone and experience all the suffering you caused firsthand, and the reason for this is so that you can forgive yourself and change. If there is something called justice it would be this. Because its never about punishment, its always about learning and change. Are you learning? Are you changing? Are you?

You will, one way or another. It's better to chose to learn, chose to change right now. That is the only choice that matters in life. And choosing to change and learn, will lead to a great life. So, who are you?

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Day 5 Suffering

The past year in the half I have been reeling in suffering. I have been giving up too easily. I get cranky. I don't clean up my messes and haven't been doing all my responsibilities. I have been doing less. And what I have been trying to do is to figure out why. I don't know. I have pushed myself to do more/better but it hasn't worked.

I went through an experienced about a year and a half ago. I also went through experiences the last 3 years. I have met certain people, spent time with them. In short I faced evil. I faced moments with people where they were truly evil. They deceived me, lied to me. They did it with a smile. They took and still continue to take advantage of people everyday, even right now as I write this. And there is nothing I can do to make them stop. I am powerless.

Bernard once said sometimes you have risk getting screwed over. And I believe that, and I still believe it. Because this life is too short, and valuable to waste not trying new things. But I have to change something, in how I feel and react. I need to be stronger where I can face evil, the sight of evil and not react and fall apart. Maybe even find a way to direct it as Bernard would. Bernard in his videos could speak in such a way like its challenging and taking on the very evil of this world. I can't do that yet. But becoming that way seems to be part of what it means to be alive. Because how can I exist or any person continue to exist seeing and witnesses evil in this world and do nothing to direct it or stop it?

I want a better world.

And being a coward, being someone who just witnesses people doing bad things to people, people taking advantage, people lying, people manipulating deceiving, justifying what is not best for all, making excuses, being bullies. I don't want to be mad. And I won't. Anger is not a solution. And Bernard was never angry. I could hear it in his voice. He could be perceived as anger, and maybe sound angry, but he wasn't. He was just speaking what is best for all. Like the same way a parent speaking to their child about something really horrible they have been doing. I mean, what I would give to have someone be and speak what is best for all in my life. To hear that voice of standing by and with everyone, by and with life. Because pretty much everyone right now has enemies, has some group of people they don't like or accept. Bernard spoke with understanding and knew how every is one and equal, is just a being, is just a man. Bernard was just a man, like you and me. We are all just people. We can all change and be better.

The way I have been living can't continue. And its not about superficial things. Its not about procrastination or any of that stuff. Its about one thing. Who am I and what do I do in the face of evil? I am scared to confront people, to call it out, to direct the person and situation. I have so many times in the past just left and said nothing. And I can feel it inside of me, like the knowing that there is a better way for me.

I can feel all the mind programs within me, telling me to feel embarrassed to call a person out on doing something evil. I can feel the doubt it tries to bring up, to make me now the bad person that I shouldn't say anything, that its not my place, that evil doesn't exist.

Evil does exist. People have and are doing evil things. People I know. People harming other people with their words. People lying and manipulating and getting away with it. People corrupting children. People making a living destroying the lives of others.

And I know what people will say. That I should only focus on myself. That I shouldn't and can't say such things about other people. That its wrong and bad to speak about such things.But this is just justifying the evil in this world, justifying not taking action, not trying to help/support.

I can hear the excuses and attacks. I can feel the fear of what could happen if I share these words if I do speak out and act.

But I am making a decision. You either join me in calling out the evil in this world or you don't. So yes you may say to me not to do this, you may say whatever you want to get me to stop. All that means to me is that you won't join me. Or you can join me. Because how much longer can you continue to see suffering all around you and do nothing? How much longer will you continue to do evil things? How much longer? How many more people need to get hurt? More children? More land, the earth, animals, pets? How much more hurt do you need to do to yourself before you stop?

I have been hurting the past year and half. I witnessed suffering and abuse, and I haven't exposed it, shared it online, called it out. I haven't done this in a while, but I used to. There is so much suffering that we cause, all of us. Someone needs to call it out. Someone needs to keep us honest.Someone needs to help us to stop, look and see.

This world is full of suffering and I only know cowards, people who justify it and excuse it, Enable it. How many people do I know that are standing up to change it, or expose it, who speak about the suffering, who call it out?

I need to be this person, I need to do this. Both for me, and for everyone. This used to be the point that got me out of bed in the morning. Everyone/Everything/this existence is worth living for.

So its time to start giving a fuck.

So my lesson I learned these last years witnessing this evil. When you meet someone and get to know someone, how much love and good they do and create is shitless, meaningless. The only QUESTION you need to ask is How Much Suffering do they create in their lives and those around them? How much Suffering do they prevent, how much are they doing to stop the Suffering in the world? Do they talk about it or avoid the subject completely. THAT is the TRUE and ONLY measure of the worth and value of a person. I met many people who are KIND, NICE, FRIENDLY and POSITIVE. They were loving, they made me laugh, they were friendly. But looking at the suffering they caused and abuse to others, it was tremendous. TREMENDOUS. They wrecked entire lives, they lied, manipulated, cheated, caused fear in others, bullied others, controlled others, created fights, created problems, created mayhem.

So FUCK love. The only thing matters is how much suffering are you causing?  Because that is your true face, not the one you put up to justify all the harm you do. FUCK smiles, FUCK pleasantry, FUCK Kindness and Friendliness. What matters is what you actually do to those around you, which includes behind closed doors and inside your own imagination. What matters is whether you stand by, with and as Life? Or are you willing to Fuck life for your own pleasure?

If you do, then fuck you. That is some evil shit and it needs to stop.

And I will be there to call it out. I will be online writing, exposing the evil. The evil that I see, the evil in this world, and I will bring it to self-forgiveness. Because we are the mother fuckers of this world.

If you ask me who am I to call out evil in this world, what gives ME the Right? Then Read my blogs. I have been absolutely shameless in sharing my evil shit. I exposed it exactly. There is no evil shit that I will hide or am afraid to share/speak. I know what I did and I forgave myself, I changed. You can read my blogs and see. No one, nothing is above from doing doing self-forgiveness. We all can, We all can change, no matter who we are, no matter what we have done, no matter how bad or evil, you can forgive yourself and change. So you are in fact responsible.

Just like how I am responsible for writing these blogs, which I can and so must do. So get ready to say fuck you to the evil inside yourself and get ready to change, its gonna be a bumpy ride.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Day 4 When you feel Hurt

hearing the sound of people that you loved and cared about and were completely committed to, making sounds of wanting you out, cheering for you to be gone, being completely against you and knowing that the reason is because someone is manipulating them and telling them lies.

the first person you ever kissed, who you were completely committed to, and wanted to be with and spend time with, telling you that they don't want to spend time with you anymore and that you are a burden to them.

Imagine that you blamed yourself.

There is absolute suffering, hell, devastation within you. You heart is shattered. Your in constant suffering within yourself. You feel remorse and grief. You feel pain and anguish. You want to cry from the pain you feel.   You are traumatized.
You are stuck and frozen in time.

Do you have any preparation for this? Is there anyone that can actually assist you properly?
Because getting angry, wanting revenge and blaming.... are not answers.

The answer is to forgive what you feel. Forgive the pain, the suffering, the torment, the rottenness, the anguish, the pity, the wallow, the sorrow, the regret, grief. What you feel is not YOU. What you feel is what you are FEELING. What you felt when you were with them was not real. The happiness, the joy, the love, the connection are not something real. They are feelings. They are what you feel. They are not who you are. Yet that is all who you accepted and allowed yourself to be in that moment. So that was a mistake and lie to yourself. A self-dishonesty. If you didn't deceive yourself in seeing what you feel as real then you wouldn't have accepted it and allowed the feeling and you wouldn't have created devastation and remorse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel traumatised, effected, hurt, sorrow, sadness, pain and suffering when people in my life leave me and I felt close to them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel close to people, to feel happiness, and joy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel extra sad, especially hurt when people who I felt very strongly for, turn against me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sell myself out for feeling and feeling good, and to allow myself to then pay the price of being hurt and traumatized.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live for feeling good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hate for people.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Day 3 Fear of being Alone and My Greatest Desire

Fear of Being Alone.
We do a lot in the name of NOT being Alone.

I have done a lot. How much?

I went into years of depression because I had people in my life. I had the attention, the love, the admiration, the worship, celebration, care. I felt needed and wanted, I felt I belonged. I felt like this is who I am, I found myself, this where I am supposed to be and do.

All of this that I felt and thought was a lie. Because these feelings are lies. These thoughts are lies. This positivity, this bliss, this pleasure is a lie.

How can feeling good be a lie?

I was part of some people's everyday life. I got to know them. They would smile at me, and I would make them happy. When I would make they happy, laugh and have fun, I felt amazing. I felt complete, I felt great, I felt wonderful and bliss. This is all I ever wanted to do forever. Just make them happy. I wanted to keep them in my life, and I wanted them to keep me in their lives.

I wanted to own them and be owned. I wanted that to be All that I am, I wanted it to be permanent and forever.

And it ended.

I felt like shit, like horrible, like life meaningless and nothing. I lost sense of reality, I lost touch with the physical. I lost myself.

How? Why?

Because the very first day I was there I sold my soul. I made the deal with the devil. The first time I felt that bliss, I saw it and I accepted it. I chose to walk that path. If I had chosen no, to not feel this way, to not be this way, and still spend time with these people and helping them, then things would have been different. I would have been the real me, I would have been stable, and supportive and clear. Instead I was compromised. I was tainted, corrupted through feelings, through bliss.

Without Light you cannot have Dark. So by accepting the Deal with the Angels/Light, I accepted the Deal with the Dark and Devils. I created my own suffering the day I chose to follow the Light and Bliss. I may not have felt it yet, but it was there already created, right alongside the bliss.

The need, the want, the desire to belong. The need/want to be wanted and needed. The desire to be a part. These are all lies.

Your own damnation is sealed once you leave yourself and split yourself into two parts, Light and Dark. Separation is Hell.

The truth is oneness and equality. The truth is standing by my body. The truth is in forgiving, stopping and letting go of all the Feelings, of all the positivity, and all the negativity and all the emotions. Stopping the thoughts. It is not natural and normal to create relationships based on feelings. It's common, but its not normal. What is normal is stability, clarity, standing for what best for all.

This has been the most difficult thing for me. My greatest temptation, which is People. People paying attention to me, revering me, liking me. People are my greatest desire. I have fallen in this before and I may fall in this again. But I will be damned if I let this happen again without giving it everything I got. So I already am making my plans. I am writing out my moments where I fall. I am describing how I feel and I am doing self-forgiveness. Next time I feel this way I will stop it in the moment. In the face of getting what I desire most, I will stop the feelings. This will be the most challenging thing I have ever done so far. And afterwards it will be great. I can't wait to see who I will be, and what I will accomplish thanks to this change.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a bolt of electricity up my spine when I am speaking to another from a point of knowledge and understanding where it looks like I am connecting with them based on knowledge, and opinion, and information, where it looks like we will form a bond and I won't be alone, because they will be with me now, following me because of my information, knowledge and views.

When and as I see myself having such a conversation with someone where I speak, or I am making a speech, and I look into their eyes and I believe that they are really listening to me and I feel this bolt of energy moving up my spine where I feel the excitement, thrill, and hope- I stop and I breathe - I realize that this is my desire to be with people and form connections, and so also my fear of being alone - I realize that this is my greatest desire- I realize that I must stop myself in the moment- I realize I cannot allow this to continue because its not real, and it is affecting me and how I speak and what I say because I will surely follow the temptation to change what I say and who I am so I can connect with the person by being agreeable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into depression, sadness, apathetic, sorrow and lonesome after I lose the source, the connection, the reason for my previous high, bliss, pleasure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defend, protect and resist all opposition that threatens my connections with people, which are  giving me pleasure, feelings, joy, meaning, purpose, fulfillment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give in and give up my soul, my self, my being, in exchange for connecting with people and owning people, and having people in my life, and feeling revered, loved, cared about, needed and wanted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not equally focus on forgiving feelings and positivity as much as I forgave emotions and negativity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into temptation, the temptation of feeling good, and happy, and relaxed, and so give in into doing nothing, being nothing, except just being exactly and whatever it is that gives me this feeling, and so essentially being an addict, a devout follower of feeling/bliss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my state of depression, tiredness and lethargy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my state of bliss, happiness and enjoyment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing this and stopping this and ending this state of bliss happiness, and tiredness and depression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing myself in the face of my greatest desire and temptation, people.

When and as I see myself falling into temptation, the bliss, the enjoyment of people, of attention, of being wanted/needed - I stop and I breathe - I realize I can breath here and be physical and physically stop the energies that are moving within me - I realize that the more I allow this energy, the more grasp it has within me - I realize that the more I stop allowing this energy, the more I gain back control, say and direction of my life- I realize that living within energy, bliss, and depression, lethargy,  is not living at all, and I must do everything I can to end this and stop this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to belong and be apart of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel loved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel company.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to do whatever it takes to have company or companions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want partners and friendships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to serve people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to bring joy and happiness in other people's lives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to capture and keep people in my life, through my words, and service and favors, and helpfulness, and what I give them.

I realize it is unhealthy and not good to have relationship of any kind where they only exist because of how helpful you are to the other person, how good you are and how much you give, and the only thing you receive is feelings.

I realize feelings are always unhealthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want people to say thankyou to me, and receive that attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be cheered, and celebrated, and treated like a hero or God.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want people to be happy to see me and smile when seeing me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want people to be happy, smiling, laughing, enjoying themselves because of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice myself in order to receive the feelings, the bliss, the attention and enjoyment for as long as it lasts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only care about me and what I feel.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only focus on what I feel, and what I get out of a situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make life about bliss, pleasure and happiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself ot live as if the world revolves around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing opportunities for me to support others pass by because I am more interested in whatever made them happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a hedonistic life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse others, and to accept and allow others to abuse others, in the name of what make everyone Happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to serve happiness, instead of serving what is best.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Day 2 Reacting under Threat of Punishment? I know who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight for what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use what is best for all as an excuse to generate emotions and feelings.

Emotions and feelings are always unacceptable. If a person is screaming at you or yelling at you, and you react, it is still your responsibility. If you use screaming and yelling to get someone to stop, that is unacceptable. You can't use emotions and feelings for what is best for all. It's not possible.

You don't have to worry about whether what you are doing or saying is leading to emotions and feelings in others. All you have to focus on is whether you are having any emotions or feelings.

If are you able to create the most beautiful and perfect relationship using feelings, it is still meaningless.

If you are able to make this world a utopia and bring order by using using your emotions, it is worthless.

Anything and Everything "created" through emotions and feelings is nothing.

You need to be able to say or do anything, all without reacting. As long as you react, know you cannot create.

You cannot create relationships, opportunities, a life, unless you stop your emotions and feelings.

Emotions and feelings are the antithesis of life. Reactions are the antithesis of Life. There is no way to have a life or be alive as long as you continue to react.

You could be a slave, tortured and raped. Still your freedom is found within stopping your emotions and feelings. You can be abused, and beat up. Still you have to stop your emotions and feelings. You can be cheated, lied to, and manipulated, still you will never have access to Life until you stop your emotions and feelings. Just because you have been a victim do you think that gives you automatic access to Life? to Creation? No.

Only those that can take responsibility for their thoughts, emotions and feelings can have access to Life and Creation. No exceptions.

How quickly do you stop your reactions? Instantly? The exact millisecond it is here?

Do you accept and allow your emotions and feelings?
Anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, nervousness, stress, annoyance, irritation, jealousy, lust, desire, need, want, happiness, joy, excitement, love?

Are you still a slave? Are you still trapped? Who has the key? Where is the way out?

Do you listen to people? Do you automatically do what people say? Do you just follow orders? Do you fight people? Do you react?

Are you willing to die, go under torture, be hit and abused in order to keep being real, and stop your emotions and feelings? Do you flinch at threats? Do you change who you are because someone threatens you? Do you give in? Do you give up?

Do you change who you are to make others happy? Do you change what you do, how you act, what you say, how you live to make others happy or to avoid punishments and threats and torture? Do you stand no matter what?

I know what I am doing. The single most important thing is to never react. Never. Not under threat of torture, punishment or death. Not under threat of starvation, poverty, or any form of harm. Not under verbal abuse or physical abuse. I will not change. I will be the same. No matter the scenario, no matter the situation, no matter the people. No matter if others are killed or tortured, no matter if you are blamed, no matter what people say to you, say about you, think about you, or do to you. I will not react. I know who I am.

Stopping reactions, stopping emotions and feelings is the single most important thing. That is the only door, the only opening, the only access to Life and Creation. And I always will be able to stop. Never has there been or ever will be a time or situation where reactions has more power than me. It is all me. One and Equal. From this day forth I will no longer accept any reactions because of threats, of pressure, of insults, of attacks, or any other reason.

 This is the Secret to Life

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Day 1 - I am going to be the Greatest

I am starting my blog again, from day 1. And I renamed it Yogan's Journey to Life. It was called a child's Journey to life before.

I commit myself to do a blog daily. So next year I will be at 365 days of blogs. Each day I will write about about I learned, or something I struggling with. It is about my process of becoming the greatest of humanity. Becoming god-like. Becoming child-like. Becoming humble, real, innocent, responsible, expressive. Becoming like all the great Men and Women who have walked this earth. The greatest man or woman is he or she lives for oneness and equality. Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr did that. Oneness and Equality is the essence and nature of all Life. It is the highest and only truth. It is also the truth that is denied, rejected, and spit upon daily by everyone, including you. Any moment where you have a thought about another person, any moment where you speak to a person in a reaction, any moment where you breath in separation from you body, and so many more moments... these are the moments where we spit on Oneness and Equality, who we all really are.

So that is what I will change about myself. To no longer spit, and to actually live.

I have a great power in this world, so I have a great responsibility. If I write a blog everyday for one year that will have a tremendous impact. That is 365 Blogs. In 7 years that is 2555 blogs. This will be my record/proof of who I am. How many people do we know that hold seats of power that we really know? Do you see politicians writing everyday about their process of change? Do we see parents of children writing about their process of change? Teachers, educators, professors, leaders, business owners? No, we don't. And if we did then we know we can trust them and know who they are. So its important to walk this process. Also I have will a tremendous impact. So if I don't, then I am responsible for not doing it.

Independence, and living the word Independence means that I walk my process no matter if no one else is, that if no one else writes a blog daily, I am independent and so that doesn't effect me or determine me at all, that I still write my blogs daily. Independence means that I don't change no matter what anyone else says or thinks about me. Independence means that I don't react. As long as I react, I can know one thing, that I am not Independent.

My greatest strength is my memory and remembering my past. I can remember everything I have ever done to everyone. I can remember conversations, I can remember what I said and what I felt. I can remember all the bad things I have done and I can bring it right here for me to relive it. I don't feel shame, regret or remorse. Because I can do it, I can remember it. If I refuse to look at it, if I resist it then I will feel shame, regret, remorse or resistance. If there is something for me to learn about it, then I will feel such reactions. But after I learn what I need to learn then the memory is not something I fear anymore. If you are afraid to remember something, know one thing, you haven't learned everything you needed to learn from that moment.

Life is not about cars, about family, about money, about career. Life is about learning. Life is about oneness and equality. Life is about everyone and everything.

Life is about the cells in your body, about the oxygen in your lungs. It is about the people in your life, and the people not in your life. Its about all that is right here in front of you and everything else that is not here in front of you. When you make Life about only part of life, it is like a fracture. A fracture in a wall that will grow and spread and eventually bring the entire wall down. The rule of oneness and equality is ultimate. It always has the final say, because it had the first say. If you exclude one person, or thing that from everyone/everything then you are excluding everything/everything. All for one and one for all.

Our words as humanity, our conversations do not reflect Life. Our reactions do not reflect Life. Life is not here, can't be seen or heard. Yet it is here. If one stands as the point then it is here.

A mistake I made is that I started listening to reactions. I started listening to what others said about me. I started following, instead of taking responsibility to know. My truest deepest self is here. My ability to express/live is here. It is here for everyone that is ready and willing. Every single person you have ever met can be this and live. They can. They may not be willing or ready but they can walk the process. We all as one and equal can walk this process of change. We are neither greater or lesser than anyone. None of us are. No matter years or experience, age, or background. Oneness and Equality is just dependent on one thing. You. Everything else is perception and belief.

In every moment, every person has breath. In every moment every person is breathing. In every moment every person could be here with their own breath in their body. They could be. Nothing and no one else is stopping them. In any moment we can forgive ourselves. In any moment we can release. In any moment we can change. No matter what is going on around you. No matter if you are a slave, a parent, poor, at work or at school. You can forgive and you can change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not forgiving myself and changing while at work, or while with my kids, or while with my family, or while with my friends, or while with my boss, or while at school, or while taking a test, or in any/every moment.

I can change in every/any moment. I can forgive in any/every moment. I can express in every/any moment. I am independent, I am whole.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Our Future

Ever since I was a child I have seen the world the same. There is something inherently wrong with it. And every time I brought this up with my parents they would resist such a statement. They would talk about how great the world is. So this is about setting the record straight. I will be talking about how the world should be, and you the reader can decide whether there is anything wrong with this world. Also, whether you agree with my solution being the only solution.

So when I was in school and simply being there around people, other students, the teachers, I already saw how wrong things were. I remember a situation where I was in Kindergarten and I had kissed some of the girls on the cheek just like I would do in my family. It was a sign of love you could say. Familial love. Just like a hug. When I did this the teacher had put me in time out. I did nothing wrong and the teacher looked at me like I did. She could have very well just explained to me that situation, but she didn’t. So what, now everytime I choose to do anything, something there is now the possibility that some authority figure will come out of the shadow and punish me for something I didn’t know about?

Another problem comes with our interactions. There was a moment where the kids stopped being kids in my school. They tried being like adults. Meaning they lost their joy. They cared about what others thought. They had a self-image and self-perception which were insecure and flimsy. They used to be just like normal children, carefree without worry or concern, and freely expressing and making friends with everyone. Now… they have become bullies, have become separate, treating only some people as friends, and treating some people as enemies. They judge people, and they spoke in ways of disapproval. Suddenly, out of the blue, all of the potential of good in them vanished.

I had already during that time around 8 years old reflected on the cause of this situation. The best statement that I could come up with is that no man is born a bad man, which meant to say that these children and all the adults in the world used to be like real children. Here I prefer to use the words Real People. Because what happens is people stop being people. They become cold, distant, broken, systematized, pattern, and habitual in an unconscious way. I say unconscious because they aren’t aware of how messed up they really are, because if they were they would feel like I do, a great urge to change back into their real expression.

I also changed. I used to be quite open, expressive and talkative, but then I became suppressed, quiet and reserved. What is interesting is that when I do talk, and be open and expressive, other people perceive this as strange or start judging and interpreting my expression to mean various things. Some people see me as flirting with them. Other people just stare at me blankly like they didn’t understood I word I said. Other people just ignore me and change the subject. So far no one has really matched me in expressiveness and openness, and I have searched and searched.

I know in the hearts of All people, they wish to be able to express in this way that I do. To express openly without fear of judgment, without concern of self-image, and perception of others. With glee, and fun. Now, people do tend to do this but only within certain situations. This being the programming we all accept and allow. This includes moments where you use alcohol, marijuana or other drugs. This includes only with your Best Friend. This includes only with your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or family members. It’s like we are all following these invisible rules inside our heads about the times we can and are allowed to be real. And these usually last briefly and are fleeting moments, especially when compared to the every moment you are alive.

It is absolutely and terrifyingly wrong that we limit ourselves to only be open and expressive with certain people in certain situations. Because compare it to early childhood, you used to enjoy every moment of everyday. You used to go up to anyone and talk to them. You used to make a game out of anything. You used to enjoy waking up and getting out of bed. This is how all humans are like at the start, except when they are abused in the womb or at birth.

To touch briefly on this subject, if mothers drink alcohol or take drugs during pregnancy the child is physically affected. This causes harm. So yes alters the child’s life. And the same if a baby from birth is abused, it also alters his or her life. Though naturally every child is the same as the spirit of a child. The same as every dog has the spirit of a dog and every cat has the spirit of a cat. Unfortunately the spirit of a human is not something good to say right now.

I can imagine that some people will resist what I am saying and start to think about all the great things humans of done and accomplished. I could only say that is a fantasy. Because Humanity as a whole has been in a constant state of suffering and abuse. Just look at the History Books. Look at the abusers and the abused. I mean it’s so much in your face everyday, but like I said people are unconscious. I mean you have forgotten what it’s like to live real joy every moment of the entire day. Yet it is still here within you.

Only a robot would ask, well what’s so important about living joy like a child. This proves how the whole of Humanity is in fact robots. Your robotic because you believe you need a stimulus, that you need permission or a sign that you are allowed to live and express your real nature and self with others and even by yourself alone. Slaves or Robots need input. A real, free man would be able to express and live in every moment.

What causes this? Why does this happen? Who is to blame? The answer is you do, because you accepted and allowed it. I mean, yes the information arrives from outside of you, and yes there is an entire systematic way that your mind responds to it like they were made for each other. But you gave permission for that. You wanted something in return. You wanted something like fame, like popularity, like attention, like reward, like love, like like like. See inside yourself you know that you made a Deal with the Devil. The Deal being that you can have all these things, you can be a Person, and Have a Personality, and have a Self-image and Self-perception, with Self-esteem, as long as you are willing to pay the price, which is sometimes you will feel bad. Not a big deal right? But then it escalates.

You start giving up integrity, honest, principles of respect, honor, regard. You start abusing, taking advantage of, killing, gossiping, harming, fighting. You are consumed with a bloodlust that isn’t sated. You are only out for yourself. You care about Your Friends, Your family, Your country, Your husband/wife, Your children, Your city, Your Your Your. Since when does the world ever revolve around any one person.

If you ask children, and I mean young children, before they are corrupted, and ask them about the world, about what is important. They answers won’t be so personal. Because they are still in the phase of becoming what you are now. And yes, they will become like their parents, like their teachers and like their friends. And we are all in fact so similarly flawed. This one flaw that we all share. We have all made this same Deal.

What is interesting is that it takes TIME to make the Deal. It takes time for children to be corrupted. So it’s not a GIVEN. It can be CHANGED. And it is a real process that unfolds. Someone could intervene. Someone could provide different answers, a different way. A way where they can still preserve their ability to create themselves into the image and likeness of who they are and who all humans are in fact, as our origin. We are all born out of Life. The same life that makes up this entire existence.

Imagine what it would be like to grow up as a child  without any fear, or concern. Without any low self-esteem or insecurity. Without any weight, or problems. And imagine that you stilled lived through your same Life, meaning that the child, you, persevered through all the obstacles and problems you faced and emerged whole, unscathed. In fact even better than that.

How? The answer lies in the child having ONE person, just one person who can be the one role model for them of being able to become an adult, who is expressive, open, being able to express anything, dance spontaneously, laugh and joke around, being able to be serious and focus in any moment, being honest, continuing to have Integrity. A child, you, me just needed One Example.

That one example is a lot to ask for. Unless there is a way to make it easier. I don’t have the exact answer. But I know it must be done somehow. And the solution will involve adults changing. Because only adults can raise children. And the adult can only be the role model.

An adult would need to walk a process through time. Because when that adult was a child, they took time to make that Deal. It will take time to unmake that Deal. You will go through all the struggles of a recovering addict, you will go through temptation, you will fall and you will have to pick yourself up again. The skillful won’t be the ones that succeed. The ones that succeed are the ones who don’t give up, who will persevere and also being honest and sincere. The greater your self-honesty the faster you walk. The greater your self-deception, the longer you will take. Every act of deception is a deception you make to yourself. Because you could have chosen a better path.

So start with yourself and see where that takes you. You are the Key to changing this reality.