Friday, December 27, 2019

Day 779 When someone you Love is Angry at you

When someone you Love is Angry at you.
I think this may be actually my greatest weakness. I see it being a point of great weakness because there are two parts. The first part is the fact is that it is someone who I love, or in other words have a connection with. And the 2nd part is them being angry at me. Either part alone is a point of challenge/force.

So together they make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Because the point becomes: I am causing them to be angry, and I am responsible for their anger. And I feel blame/responsibility and I am afraid of losing them.

The truth, the truth of desteni, the truth of Life is that no one is responsible for how anyone else feels. No one. And not with anyone. You are not responsible for how other people feel. This includes anger. And this includes people you have a connection to. You are responsible for how you Feel.

So on a physical level I am afraid, I am swallowing in my throat that I am so afraid. I am physically possessed in fear.

When I was in 18 I was in so much love and I was excited and expressing that openly and then they got angry and they ended things. I blamed myself for that, and since then I stopped expressing that level of excitement. Earlier this year I was able to access that excitement again for the first time, and it was with someone else that I was expressing it, but then they did get angry. And again, I fell.

Because this is the point. I am afraid of losing people who I have a connection with. And I am blaming myself for their anger, and so I do change myself in an attempt to keep them and appease.

That is WHY I suppressed my expression of excitement with this woman I loved even though the relationship ended already. Because I feared that it would be the same issue for someone else. I blamed myself objectively for her leaving.

But its not my fault. Its not anyone's fault who this happens to. No one is responsible for how anyone else feels. This woman and any person is not responsible for how I feel. No one is responsible for my fear and for my change. And so equally so I am not responsible for anyone else's.

I can see in the world that it is very common but unspoken that people go through moments where loved ones are angry at them, and they blame themselves and suppress themselves, even to the point of physical abuse, and verbal abuse. Because you do love the person. You love them and you blame yourself for their anger. This is highly common. And its unspoken. Yet this is describes what I am going through. This is a great weakness. And you leave the relationship suppressed and forgetful of who you are because you still blame yourself and are suppressing yourself. Its not your fault.

And so I have noticed how I have gone through life, feeling as if i have lived multiple lives, because at each point I have suppressed parts of me and so continuously diminish me while I make connections with people and they getting angry for something.

And I embolden people and give them permission to keep being angry because anger is used to get what you want. So with me being weak and reacting in fear, they believe they are right to do so. It's like I am giving them permission and emboldening them to continue to be angry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of expressing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of expressing truth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of being myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of expressing genuine expressions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of living as the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of losing people I have connections with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of losing relationships of intimacy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of losing relationships of genuiness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of not responding to someone else's anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of not validating someone else's anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of someone else's anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of saying I am not responsible for other people's emotions/feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to validate anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the belief that anger should exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defend the existence of anger

I realize the connections with people are real, are valid, and are worth forming, creating and nurturing and keeping.
I also realize that I cannot keep someone in a relationship. And I cannot condone anger in a relationship.
I also cannot condone Fear in a relationship.

So I know there are many people out there who have been in abusive relationships where their partner is angry at them and they accept it because they blame themselves for their partner's anger. And it does get into extreme cases like violence, punching etc...

Now, I can relate to this and understand this. I can also relate to how other people don't or can't understand this unless they go through it and are aware of it. And let me tell you this, its not your fault they were angry. You are NEVER responsible for how other people feel. But you are responsible for how you feel, and so is each one. You are responsible for your fear, and you can stop it. You are responsible for suppressing yourself and you can stop it, and you can express those parts of you again. Whatever that is going on inside of you is your responsibility, so you can stop the fears, anger etc... and you can express yourself again as your genuine expression because it is you, all that is inside of you is under your jurisdiction. And it is not your fault they are angry. You are not responsible for how anyone else feels, ever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to feel angry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use anger to attempt to persuade others to get what I want

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at loved ones.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow angry to exist in all of reality.

I don't need anger, no one does. Anger is unnecessary.
I can do, live, chew, eat, shit without anger. I can punch and kill without anger. There is no need for anger. All I need is my decision/direction, and I will do what is best for all, without anger.

 So I don't accept anger from outwardly/without, from people, nor from me. I just won't be validating it. It is something to be ignored/disregarded, and to be called out, that anger is unnecessary always. You can make your own decisions on things without anger. If its a decision worth making, then you can make it without anger.


I can reflect on my year, and I have 4 people who were all angry at me, and with each one it was a different relationship:
Someone I loved for many years in our past, but I haven't seen them in many years.
Someone I only recently loved and known for a short time
Someone who I developed a loving relationship for the last several years,
Someone who I trust and look to advice to, and only started to show signs of love.

So it was a perfect coordinated strike. I guess I couldn't runaway from it this time. Especially teaching me that at anytime someone I love or have a connection to could suddenly be angry and try to use anger to get me to do what they want. And so turn abusive/possessive. I could lose a relationship without warning. I could lose that safe space without warning. I could lose that intimacy without warning.

My natural instinct is to do to whatever it is to save the relationship

And this would turn into changing myself and suppressing myself through fear and blame. Because the other person is blaming me and telling me how I am wrong. And I know they are wrong, I know they are unreasonable, yet I had that connection with them that I fear losing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the connection with someone where, I know I have to let them go.

My test is this:
1. Anger is unacceptable always
2. You are not responsible for how other people feel.
3. Can you let go of a relationship when that other person no longer is supporting you but trying to control you through their anger, even when that relationship was deep, and even if it was for 10 years, 30 years or any other extreme point? Can you let it go in the best interest of yourself? Yes or No.

I have difficulty saying Yes.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Can I leave or end a relationship?

Do I trust myself enough to end a relationship or several relationships, when its really best for all to do so?

I have a hard time saying Yes.

I feel guilt and blame, and I don't trust myself. I would be blaming myself for ending the relationship. I don't trust me to be able to say that its time to end the relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself and feel guilty if I were to end a relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to end a relationship for the reason that its best for all, for me, and for them. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear, to shy away from ending a relationship, to find an excuse or a way out from ending a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ending a relationship when the other person has become possessed in anger, blames me and judges me, and is showing no signs of stopping.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become Angry, and become like them, them who is angry, possessed in anger and judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start having angry thoughts at people, random people, random things on TV, and expecting everyone to be angry at everything, anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anger in this reality, knowing full well that people will resist me, that there are people I know that will defend anger, that are possessed in anger, that can't let anger go, and will resist and fight the message of All Anger is unnecessary and unacceptable.

All Anger must end, All Fear must end, All Love must end~~~ as emotions, as feelings and as energy.
Bernard was never angry in his videos or blogs. You can hear it in his voice, he was not angry or blameful of anyone. In my words and in my relationships I am not living Love as Feelings, you can see it and hear it in my voice. I am in fear, and you can see it and hear it. I am swallowing in fear, in my throat, I am swallowing which is a sign of fear. This is not who I am, or who I accept myself to be any longer.

Love, Anger, and Fear are a good Trifecta. Pillars of much in this Reality. I am curious to see how my reality will change once I implement these points and pillars further than before.

Connections with people are okay, reaching out and going deep should be strived for all the time. And I accept the possible outcome that a relationship that has been deep, will fall apart because of the systems that and parts that another person is going through. I don't blame them. But I also cannot enable them or accept and allow them to continue the possession, or give it permission or play a role of supporting it through me being in Fear. Anger is unacceptable.

So because I went so far with Love, I stopped the feelings and I was able to form real connections with people. With Fear and Anger, through stopping the emotions, I would in theory gain some abilities or expressions or perhaps deepen my relationships or strengthen my stance or expressions.

I feel like my mere existence is a defiance to so much. That people I know will witness me now, and all that I say now is in direct conflict with them and their mind. And I have to accept that. And I have to keep on closing the doors where its needed, and to keep opening the doors to people including anyone as its my responsibility to reach out and to foster the connection and relationships. We are in this together.

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