Monday, August 26, 2019

Day 747 Relationships And People

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad and depressed over losing a friend
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hopeful that they will return one day
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry that they blamed me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for them leaving
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tired
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be free of my reactions about them no matter the cost
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and expect all relationships with people will end in the same way as them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hopeless and depressed that I couldn't do or say anything to keep someone from leaving
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be inadequate and blame myself for not being able to predict that this would happen.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to explain to myself why they left, when they didn't say or there isn't any rational explanation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to understand why they left, or otherwise feel bothered by not knowing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that this will happen again with other people I meet or know.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself and think its my fault if someone leaves
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that they would not be the kind of person that just leaves.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think its impossible to know a person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need to know a person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of insulting a person through me being myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of expressing myself as what I see or understand
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that I could keep all my friends and that they won't ever leave me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish I could have a partner, a wife, who would never divorce or leave me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish I could guarantee or predict with 100% accuracy whether people will leave me, or change, or always stay.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to know my future or the future of a relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to know or judge people in general, and know what they will do.

The reason we judge people is because we want to KNOW what they are going to do. It isn't possible to know for sure that you have gotten to know someone. There is always something more to learn/realize, and what you learn may surprise/scare you, as well as bring you joy.

We judge so we can predict what they will do, so we can believe we can know what they are going to do, so that we can take action accordingly, as a way of having control of our lives. The truth is that its our own judgment and they will act/do what they do, which has nothing to do with our judgment. People always have choice, and who they are is vast and there is much to learn about a person, and to discover. Can you ever really say you have ever REALLY gotten to know a person in every way possible? in everything that they have lived and seen? Do you know all of that?

So the fact is that I have to be prepared to accept possibly anything from people or any person. They could leave, they could stay. I can't and won't ever fully know what choices they will make and who they fully are in all levels of them. That's a fact of Life and living. But I can't stop living because of that fact. I have to keep on meeting people, getting to know people, and expressing myself. I have to keep putting myself out there, and talking to people and being myself. I have to.

So I have to accept that I could be disappointed or surprised. Or find some unpleasant things. Its not something I can control or predict. I either seclude myself and stop getting to know people, or I continue to meet people and talk to them. That's the only real choice, but its not much of a choice, one is obviously better. But when I do feel like I want to run away from the world and seclude myself, then look at this point: was a surprised/disappointed by people? Do I feel like I had no control over people's decisions/actions? Am I then reacting to them leaving for example?

It's not their fault in me being surprised or disappointed. No one is to blame. And its only natural to build an expectation/understanding of who someone is. And its only natural that someone hides parts of themselves that they are ashamed of or know are problematic. No one is to blame.

The best thing we all can do is to be supportive of one another and help wherever we can, and nurture the best of each other. And to let go the idea of control of ever truly knowing/understanding a person completely that ignores the vastness of a person. This includes also in continuing to learn from and engage with people who you may think you know them and have them all figured out.

So I accept the unpredictability, the surprise, the chaos, the disappointment, as well as the pleasant surprises, the gifts, the learning, and the rewarding moments of interactions with people and the relationships I form and nurture with individuals

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