Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Day 704 Hauntings of Love

 Okay Im going to be laying out a System Design of mine, so read carefully.

When I was 18, I already developed this system of Love where I can access that energy of Love whenever I wanted. It would be brought here literally in a moment. This speed and easy signifies that it was pre-programmed in my nature/design and that I practiced/accessed it heavily, across my life which I did. So the extent of this system is in the facts that I would spend a few moments/hours/days with a girl my age and then "fall in love" with her, which meant that 18 I said to these ladies that I will always love you, I love spending time with you, I will always be there for you, and its not only what I said, it was my presence. I oozed love at them. They knew that I loved them, even though I only met them, spent very little time with them. So in this way I initiated all of my relationships. I was the one who created the point. I manifested the relationship, even though at times it was the ladies who made the move to kiss me first, it was actually through my sweet honeyed words and presence that they knew where I stood, and so I was the one that manifested the point.

This fact/reality is one I suppressed. I haven't taken responsibility/ownership for this fact. It was through me, through me living love as Energy as this system, as these words, as how I sounded, as my presence that I created the points of relationship and hooking up, AND for all the outflow consequences of that including the level of superficiality and lack of depth and realness. And this was in every single one of my romantic relationships and in many of my friendships because I would do the same in my friendships...

With friends it worked like this... I would decide or just know to Love this person. This was upon meeting them or spending some time with them...

I can see here the redefinition of Love would be useful to understand how to practically live Love for real. Through spending time and getting to know someone you naturally develop a history, intimacy, especially the more HERE you are with that Thing or Person. I started writing about this redefinition from reading the Little Prince: I suggest reading my blog on that topic: https://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2018/11/day-70-little-prince.html
 The bottom line message is that it takes time, openness, depth, being real and here, and it won't be THE defining/determining factor whether two people are actually a good match for a life partnership relationship and whether that point will manifest. For a life partnership, you could say it takes a lot more work than Love energy, it does take practical love, it does take pushing boundaries, it is NOT fully under your control or decision since it is TWO people, it does take you directing the point, and being trustworthy. It takes a lot more that simply saying things like "I will always love you, I love spending time with you, I will always be there for you."  These things I said were like false promises, hopefully romantic. Like wishful thinking. Honeyed words to entrap someone based on energy.

So now this is one dimension I am seeing and realizing I am responsible for initiating and creating the nature and tone of my relationships. And the consequences of the relationships have been my Hauntings.

Because I lived separate from being here when deciding to love someone based as an energy, the relationships couldn't penetrate past superficiality. This meant that there was no depth. Its like a smiling man saying I love you but that's it. He sits there saying I love you. What is very interesting is that there would be simulations of depth and conversations that supposedly I would be opening up and sharing myself, except it wouldn't really be that complete relaxation, complete letting go, the natural opening of a flower bud. What existed within me was a heightened level of stress and nervousness and fear of saying the wrong thing.... does that sound like real love? a loving relationship? No it doesn't does it? And what is most interesting is that I created the point, the entire relationship, the nature of communication, Myself. I did it. From the very beginning to the end, I led it to be that way.

Can you see how its really BEST to first establish that openness of communication and relaxation is REALLY HERE, before agreeing to be in a relationship? I mean that makes sense right? Hahaha (the exact thing I didn't do) Or even in recognizing the depth that you do have with a friend. What is the truth, the real nature of things in this moment between me and this person?

One dimension within all of this is viewing a partnership relationship/agreement as inherently more valuable than a friendship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value having a girlfriend/wife/partner as more valuable than a friend.

The truth is you cannot compare the two. One isn't more valuable than the other, they are just different.

Now back to the creation of surface layer, superficial relationships and the consequence of that.
So what is interesting about the nature of these relationships I created is that they could end in any moment. That's really interesting. Where the person can decide or say that's its over, or just drifts away, or ignores my messages. So the reason why it could end unexpectedly is because there was no foundation. It was not built on depth, trust, openness. It was built on honeyed words, honeyed smiles and pretending.

The nature of it ending unexpectedly was the consequence I manifested, including the fear and loss I would feel when it would end unexpectedly. It was a shock and surprise, which over time became a fear, a real petrification possession of saying the wrong thing, the seemingly insignificant thing that would end the relationship. Because that is what appeared to be happening at a surface level.

This fear of the relationship abruptly ending became an ever present point operating in the background. My mind would bring up the simulation of a person I have been getting to know to all of a sudden turn around saying they would like some space, which translated to them leaving in my past memories.

I have worked on various dimensions of who I am in my relationships that won't be covered here, So this here is the next step.

So in essence, I created the nature of the beginning of the relationships and the nature of the end, which I ended up creating and experiencing multiple times.

And now looking at the point objectively, its understandable why someone would leave such a situation. I would too. 

The memories of my past have been haunting me. The fear haunts me. And now in understanding how Love as Energy as me created the point, understanding the cycle, the beginning to end. I can let it all go. I can stop creating the same future.

I am in control of the nature of relationships I create. I create my desteny.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear of experiencing someone abruptly ending/cutting off relationship/communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Love someone as Energy as a decision, and so be blind to the true nature of our relationship, and so making it possible to genuinely be surprised when a shallow relationship ends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live here and for accepting and allowing myself to keep my hauntings fear alive through not seeing what is HERE.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live like in a virtual reality of my past haunting experiences instead of seeing how I have been building real relationships with people based on depth, communication and time spent together with openness, for a good while now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let these backchats exist any while longer of a person suddenly choosing/saying they are leaving my life, they don't want to see me anymore, that it would be better for us to spend some time apart, we don't work well together, that we should see other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear of someone exiting my life quietly, to stop responding to calls, messages, emails, I send them. To suddenly stop saying hi/hello to me when we see each other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear someone straight up ignoring me even though I am right next to them, and I see they are smiling and happy talking with someone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create shallow relationships through me becoming a system of energy as love blinding myself and others, and creating unstable and unreliable connections with people, often making unrealistic promises and claims.

I forgive myself for creating such undue stress, and self-pain and destruction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to making unpleasant and not very nice moments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do this to myself and others, to miss out opportunities to build real friendships, connections and moments between me and people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage real friendships and connections through continuing this fear and expectation that every/any relationship I will have will end in the exact same way that all the others have ended.

I commit myself to break the cycle

I commit myself to show myself that I create my desteny.

I commit myself to show that through depth and communication, and being here is how we create real relationships that last.

I commit myself to show myself that I can change, that I can be free of fear, and create trust, security and stability in relationships that I invest in.

I commit myself to show to everyone that relationships require work and are not automatically attained.

I commit myself to share my life story with what I lived in terms of Love and Relationships and what I learned from that.

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