Thursday, July 25, 2019

Day 743 People

 People

people will hurt you, cut you, punch you, make you cry, steal from you, make of you... make you laugh, cry with joy and love, sing, dance, play around, become goofy, explore different parts of yourself, smile and feel overjoyed!

I always knew when I would open up to people that it would get to me. That I would have this thing which seems like weakness. Its gonna suck. Its gonna hurt. And I know it.

I am in uncharted territories, I mean there's no guidelines here or rules on how to be or what's best. I only have myself in this. Am I making a mistake with this? Do I know what I am doing? I don't know. But I think that's its okay that I don't. At the same time...

at the same time it feels right. Its my unique way of relating to people and supporting people. Its my expression. I guess.

God it sucks, it sucks so bad to be kicked, to be screwed with. But at the same time its so good to connect, to reach out and laugh and say something. So FUCKING good.

And yeah it gets me, and yeah I have a kind of sensitivity. It does suck sometimes. This isn't what I thought/expected my path would be. Am I wrong? Am I am on the wrong path? Am I fucking with myself? I do wonder these things. At the same time I only have this choice in front of me.

I have these life experiences, I have LIVED something. This is what I lived and am living. This is what life has presented to me. So what do I do with that info?

I choose love. I choose people. I choose to open my heart.

This is not what I expected to be doing or saying. But I can do it, and it feels real. It feels strong, it feels unconditional. It feels physical. It feels like its me.

At the same time I know this isn't natural to me. Meaning I have to push myself do initiate it, but when I do then its so natural.

I am different and I am unique. I don't know what drives other people, what motivates them. But I know what motivates me. And I can bring people together over me.

To clarify, this isn't some super power about getting people to accept me and my expression, not at all.
Also to clarify that this isn't about Feeling a certain way.

This is literally just approaching people, and initiating conversations with people and literally just say/express what is here as me as my expression. I mean that's it in a nutshell.

At the same time it is a specific part of me, and it is my specific expression. And its not about controlling others or expecting anyone else to accept it. And its okay!!!!

Its okay if I spent months talking to someone and they suddenly decide to cut me off, its okay!!!!

Its okay if people are rude, and if they say no to me!!! Its okay if people ignore me!!!

Because there are other people!!! I am being me, and I am being the same way with everyone and people will respond differently, and unpredictably.

And that is the nature of Life right now. Everyone is in a unique place/space within them and in their lives. That's all there is to it.

But being Me, and being this way, is great and amazing. And it does bring out these really great interactions and moments with people which are deep, enriching, fulfilling. and so fucking good.

I mean it does suck and its gonna suck everytime someone fucking reacts, sucker punches me, flips out, and just throws away all interactions we have had. Yes. But I can't let that stop me from living what's real. What I know is real, what life has shown to me.

So I hesitantly choose to live me, knowing I am serious about making sure its best for all, and i trust in my process. So I live it, and we'll see how it goes and where it goes. Time to see if I can initiate things in my life and DO IT

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