Friday, January 24, 2020

Day 792- The Third Door: Fear of being without Fear amongst people


She said: step in the circle if you are nervous that you’re in a new place. I hesitated to step in. I knew it was not true, but I was also afraid of standing out and not being part of the group. But I decided to stand back, and smiled. I felt nervous in standing out of the circle. The camp leader said ok. I noticed some eyes did look at me, but I focused looking straight ahead. The upperclassman next to me whispered in my ear that “you’re an asshole”

I felt shocked, it struck a cord with me. I felt afraid. I suppressed that response and carried on my day with excitement.

I believe I need fear in order to fit in. I believe I need to respond to fear, in order to be accepted and be like everyone else. I fear standing without fear, and so standing separately and differently from the group of people. I am afraid of not being accepted because I don’t have fear. I am afraid of sticking out and standing out from the crowd. I am afraid of not being liked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being accepted because I am different.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being without fear and so being different from everyone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being attacked or targeted for being/saying I have no fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people won’t believe what I have to say because I have no fear or say I don’t have fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people will dismiss what I say  because I am different, I have no fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored by everyone for me saying/being that I have no fear, no reactions, without energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being different

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for smiling

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for saying I have no fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not compromising myself and so for not lying in order to make others feel good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not falling in line and for not being like everyone else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for saying I have no fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for being different

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for appearing fearless, confident

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for being without anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for being without emotions/reactions/mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for being stable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for standing without the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for being without mind or energy or reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for being a destonian, for walking this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged for becoming a new and different human being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my differentness, my perspectives, my words, my honesty, and me existing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being fired for not showing fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being kicked out for not being afraid

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being criticized for not being afraid while I am unemployed and looking for work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being criticized for being happy and singing, and for not being afraid while I am unemployed and looking for work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being cornered and told that I should be more afraid and have fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won’t be accepted or treated well unless I have fear for the person, for the boss, for the landowner, for the authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I have to show fear for a person in order to be accepted by them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that I won’t get hired unless I show fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way I can get a job is to be afraid and act in fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need fear to motivate myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need fear in order for others to take me seriously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of saying I have fear interviewing for a job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of saying I have fear with looking for work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of looking for work, but to fear saying I have fear interviewing for work, because I don’t want to look weak, but to fear not having fear like on a resonant level for the interviewer to pick up on it, and so being afraid that she would otherwise see me as someone without fear, and be afraid of her hearing me that I don’t have fear, and so judging me as bad for not being afraid because of a belief that good employees are afraid of losing their jobs.

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