Monday, January 27, 2020

Day 795 Sixth Door- Letting someone into your Life, and Letting someone out of your Life


Proceeding down the hall, I see another door that I fear to go, and don't want to open.

Overly Emotional when something happens in my Relationships- either Friendships or Partners.
I can just open a door and then close a door, its not a big deal if someone enters my life and just leaves. But I can see my emotions, me being emotional about it, as if to say I care about them more cause I am emotional. Emotions don't equal care. Care is not emotional. Its not as big as a deal as I am making it out to be. Just open a door and close a door.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel emotional when someone enters my life and when someone leaves my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel super excited when someone enters my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel devastated when someone leaves my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel it to be rude or disrespectful to say that someone leaving my life is but me opening and closing a door, and I am ready for the next persons.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define care as being emotionally invested and reacting and sensitive to someone entering my life, or leaving my life / opening a door, or closing a door.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel emotional when someone is upset and is threatening to leave my life, instead of simply being here and willing to just open the door and close the door where its not a big deal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make relationships- friendships or partners, and what happens in them to be a big deal and by nature very emotional.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to people entering my life or leaving my life, where I define that as a reflection of Me, Who I am, the kind of person I am, or how my process is going.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek some validation for what I am feeling as Excitement when someone enters my life, by thinking that I deserve this, or that this is a result of my process, or that its because of everything I have done and changed so far.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to protect my feelings of excitement, through also protecting my feelings of devastation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make someone entering my life or leaving my life a big deal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for taking someone entering my life or leaving my life to NOT be a big deal, and NOT be something emotional or impactful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take someone's anger, or upsetness, or pissedoffness seriously and to be a reflection of me, where if they leave the relationship with that reaction that its my fault that they felt that way and that they left.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear when someone is angry at me, because I fear they will use that to say its my fault and that they will leave the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of a relationship easily, and judge myself or others for letting go of relationships easily.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a sensitive person and so by definition I get emotional when someone is angry at me, or someone leaves me, in that anger.

When and as I see myself getting emotional when someone leaves my life- I stop and I breathe- I realize that what is best for all is to be stable and for it to be a simple act when you open and close the door on someone leaving your life- I realize that what is best for all is that eternal self-stability and the ability to support others and be a pillar for others- I realize that all anger is reactionary and so a person leaving a relationship in anger, is doing so within a reaction and so that is not their best self or potential, and that its my job to support them the best way I can, which includes not reacting, not justifying their anger, and not getting emotional about them being angry and leaving, because that would give them a resonant sense that they are right/justified in their anger and being angry is "ok" -

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at someone else being angry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fight someone else being angry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to stop someone else's anger through being angry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame someone else for leaving me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that they could have prevented leaving me, and that it was their choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe/think that its their fault if they leave me.

When and as someone leaves me and I am angry at them- I stop and I breathe- I realize that its no one's fault, because if they are in a reaction then they are acting out their systems, which represents where they are at in their process and self, and so there is no "choice" for them to make, to stay or to go- I realize that since we are all systems and walking process that nothing is personal to others, and things are only personal to ourselves- I realize that someone leaving me is not doing something to me- I realize someone angry at me, is not doing something to me- I realize that someone being a part of my life for a time, and then they leave, that its not something being done to me- I realize that we are all equals and we are all walking this process directly or indirectly, in one way or another way- I realize that until we are all truly free from the Mind/Systems/Reactions then there is no Full/Free Choice - I realize it is my responsibility to supportive to myself and to others when it comes to every moment, including when a relationship ends and when someone is angry, whether its me or its them.

I commit myself to hold my tongue when I am angry

I commit myself to be gracious and supportive to someone in anger and to someone announcing the end of a relationship with me.

I commit myself to stand stable and support myself when someone leaves me so I don't react to it or make it emotional.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect there to be a great epiphany when a relationship has ended, when instead all that is here is me, alone in this moment, Here with my body: the simple, mundane and ordinary.

I realize that if I reflect on the past relationship that has ended, that I can see the pearls and nuggets of expression that I can integrate and the lessons learned. So I realize that now the relationship has ended so none of that points are no longer Here to be seen in real time, yet they exist in my memory.

"The relationship was real, in the past, but its no longer Here". Bernard said something like this in a video, I think its relevant to this blog.

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