Monday, January 6, 2020

Day 784 Fear, Anger & "I need money to exist in this world"

In the past I have understood perfectly well that all Fear is unacceptable. I would explain it as a point where People say that you need fear in order to protect yourself from something like burning you hand on the stove. So you fear burning yourself. People would say such things, and call it good. So this is unnecessary because what I would say in response is that we can KNOW that our hand will burn and so we don't need fear. Like we won't be burning our hands on stove because we have no fear within us.

So what I say is the truth, and the basic truth is that human beings have mind consciousness systems that are producing thoughts, feelings and emotions- and are completely directing what people should be doing, deciding, thinking and believing. And your experience of yourself is like you are watching a movie and you are following what arises within you like watching a movie.

So fear to me is something that is more obvious to me, at least in the past, when I say all fear is unnecessary and unacceptable. That there is not a single fear that is rational, that is supportive, that is good. Understandably though, for people that purely and only ever completely followed every single thought, emotion and feeling, and so completely live every moment as a literal REACTION to all that occurs in their life, then YES it makes sense why for such a person to say that Fear is good, or necessary. Because that is how they are living themselves. So its very understandable when you put it like that.

So that was fear, now I am looking at other emotions, and right now the word I am looking at is Anger. Anger is unacceptable and unnecessary. When I say this previous statement, I have resistance to saying it. Whereas when I said the statement with fear and how fear is unacceptable, it was clear and without resistance or reaction- just pure understanding. So I need to investigate this resistance, because just in the same way Fear is unnecessary, so is the case with other emotions- and simply to not jump too far ahead of ourselves, lets start with just Anger.

I can shout and punch people as a choice in order to defend my body. I can do all of this without anger. That makes sense. I can kill someone out of mercy or self-defense- and I don't need anger. But I see now that I also Fear killing someone or doing violence. And so its almost like I need Anger in order for me to confront and overcome my fear of doing violence. This would explain how and why I am resisting the statement that Anger is unacceptable and unnecessary, because I am still using it or giving it permission or purpose or a reason that necessitates its existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear doing violence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear punching, stabbing, cutting, hurting someone or something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear killing someone or something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being blamed, fear being a criminal, fear being in trouble for doing violence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear defending myself, defending my body, and defending others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear shouting and being loud.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear violence.

Like I said before there is no need to Fear anything in this world, and this includes violence. I KNOW when violence is unacceptable and when it is necessary. The difference between violence and emotion, is that violence is a physical action that can be necessary to what is supportive and best for Life, including preserving Life. Emotion on the other hand is unnecessary. You can Kill without Anger. And in star wars the Sith always push to Killing within Anger/hate. Because that consumes you and defines who you are. If you Kill within what is best for all or what is necessary than its reflects that point. Who you are leads to what you do.

Given all of this above, now what do I see when I say Anger is unacceptable? I see that a large part of Anger was seated within Violence, and in Defending myself- and me being wrapped in Fear surrounding that point. So this change will be impactful. I can see it would be supportive for me to take some kind of self-defense training in order to be comfortable for using Violence and Force to defend myself, and so not to enter into Anger or Fear in such a situation.

Another point is opening up here, so I will mark it on the page

2nd Point

I see the point of defending myself from work gossip, or from being teased or bullied, or being lied to or treated badly or rudely. I remember when I was 12 years old and I ripped up a homework paper of a student who was making fun of me constantly. I did it within Anger. I did it within hate. And I gave them the stink eye, stared right into their eyes as I did and I was Angry. So I believe I need Anger to defend myself from these people. But that's not true. I can respond in different ways.

I can for example speak directly, instead of being quiet. I can say that what you are doing is disrespectful, and I ask for respect and consideration from you, and I will equally show you respect and consideration for you and your well being- What do you say?

I realize that perhaps all of us faced bullying and most of us can't handle bullying in the way that is directive and best for all just like how I described above. I certainly didn't see this point until I brought it here to observe and it was my childhood experiences.

In addition, I fear being powerless- I fear that the person rejects my offer of peace and support and that everyone else in the organization/school/institution is also the same way- especially in a company/business. I fear my survival of money being threatened cause I would be fired for that.

Again, Anger is unnecessary and Fear is unnecessary. In such a case its only natural to move on, and adjust to reality. Adjust here being that I do leave that company or place and I do find ways to take care of my money situation, which follows only the natural logical progression. Fear is unnecessary to survival. To survive requires physical actions and learning some skills. Fear does not aid survival.

I think this is one of the cornerstones of my mind: That Fear is necessary for survival. I know though that it isn't at all necessary, and it plays no supportive role. And how Anger connects to here is simply the same structure in the previous example. I have accepted the fear of survival and so I use Anger to overcome my fear, in order for me to take action that I believe is me surviving. Practically this means Job interviews or working a Job, where I use Anger in order for me to try to overcome my fear and try to do well and be a good employee, but everything I do is with that tinge of Anger.

So this is how and why I hold onto Anger being necessary to me and my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my survival.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Anger to combat my fear for survival,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need Fear and Anger in order to survive in this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Anger and Fear play a role in this world that is supportive for Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing to survive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear job interviews, to fear being fired, to fear not having money.

I know that I need money in this world, and I don't need Fear in order to help me to know that or to earn money. Fear doesn't support me or enable me to make money. Fear is completely unnecessary. Equally so, I don't need Anger. Anger is not the way to handle fears. The only way to handle Fear is taking responsibility for accepting and allowing the fear.


So I can look across both points here and both have to do with using Anger for survival. The first being physical survival from violence, and the 2nd being the monetary survival for physical needs. So I find that interesting and it makes sense. And in both cases fear is the initial point and Anger is used to suppress or react to the fear in order to push for physical reactions that try to create results. There is also the point of Ego, where I was bullied and my ego was hurt. So it wasn't strictly physical survival, but survival of me Ego, and so defending my Ego. Of course it is inharmonious and a waste of time to exist within a relationship conflict or bullying. So directing it is what is best for all.

Admittedly the point of Fear of Survival as Needing money in this world is Strong for me. So My self-forgiveness alone is not enough, especially so in this case. What I will do is to live and speak the statements I need money to exist in this world. And I say this without fear, without emotion, without reaction, and so I say it as a fact, necessity and a certainty. I say this in order to remove the fear programming.

"I need money to exist in this world"
Money is Life
Money Gives Life
We need money in order to move in this world
Money is how we meet our Needs

3rd Point- Ego 

Defending my Ego with Anger. I fear being put down and made fun of. I fear being ignored and not heard. I fear being bullied and singled out. I fear being wrong. I believe I need Anger in order to face even, let alone overcome the Fear- or combat it shall I say. I fear looking at my own Ego hurt- not being heard, being rejected. I use Anger to suppress my Fear, in order for me to function day to day.

Fear is unnecessary and Anger is unnecessary. If I can face the following truth in the moments without emotion:

"I am wrong"
"I am being made fun of"
"I am being singled out"
"I am being ignored"
"I am not heard"
"I am being bullied"

than that will be me taking responsibility for myself in the moment as Fear and Anger. And then I can direct the moment appropriately.

When I am wrong, I can say i am wrong, and say what is actually correct. So I can talk about it openly.

When I am being made fun of, I could laugh along, or I could just be here and listen, either way is fine.

I am being singled out, so perhaps at a birthday party celebration- I get picked out of the crowd- I could respond by smiling waving and standing up.

When I am being ignored, I could respond by being direct with the person and getting into their face: "are you ignoring me?" and then potentially talk about it, or leave them be.

When I am not being heard, like in a presentation, I could speak louder or loudly much more extreme than normal.

When I am being bullied, I can be direct with the bully, are you bullying me? Do you want to be Friends? Do you want to have mutual respect, regard and consideration?

The above are all points where I feel I have to defend myself, and I am under attack.

There is no need to feel Fear in any of the above situations. Fear doesn't help, it doesn't protect me, it doesn't serve me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel judged, to feel attacked, to feel bullied, to feel hurt (emotionally, not physically- cause physical violence is something I must defend myself from- its okay)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insulted, to feel disrespected, to feel being treated poorly, to feel shocked, to feel furious, to feel disgusted, to feel rampant, to feel violated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with Anger as a way to suppress and hide what I am feeling above: hurt, shocked, attacked, violated, etc...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use distractions as a way to suppress and hide from my fear.

 To be continued

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