Wednesday, February 12, 2020

Day 803 Deletion

So stemming off from my recent blog post ,
there comes moments throughout my day where I am reacting, and I am breathing, and there is a moment where I simply have to decide to Delete a point, or let it go completely, where it is so completely deleted that I am not focused on remembering it or it occupying my focus and attention, yet I can go back to remember it if I need to, but for the most part its not here anymore, its not relevant anymore.

What I am saying is that I am noticing this difficulty of letting go and deleting/stop something so completely. I am seeing how I am holding onto points, where I have already done all I needed to already, and the final step is simply to stop, and let go. Pure and Complete Deletion.

I am reminded of a vlog recording Gian did last month regarding lord of the rings and how Frodo had trouble letting go of the ring. So its something like that.

Its like Deleting requires like a shift or change of myself where it feels like I am walking into a new moment, like the past is truly in the past.

One example of that is fear, and having a fear about something, and feeling it in my feet, and it occupying me and my body. And like I said before, this situation is just like that: where all I need to do is to decide to delete the point and then it changes. Boom. Done.

I can see that primal resistance to deleting the mind, deleting this thought, deleting this reaction, deleting this fear, as if its an insult to someone or something, as if its disrespectful. Its weird, but that's my experience of it.

I suppose the concept of deleting parts of me is scary, because all I will have left is really the memory of it, and what I lived, because in fact it will be gone, no more. I suppose that is inherently something fearful, like deleting a save for you game, or a document on your computer accidentally, or losing your favorite toy. Even if you weren't going to use it, its something permanent. What if I could use it for something one day? What if its a mistake?

So that's what I am faced with in moments in my day. I had a moment where I applied breathing in order to face a point, because no logical or thinking was going to help me. And it came up within me somehow that I should delete the point, to decide to delete it. And I did, and things changed. I deleted the point of even feeling fear in my feet too. And my breathing changed, I changed, and in a way I kind of forgot the point. Yet I know its in my memory, but its forgetting the point in the sense of it not being actively here anymore. It feels like forgetting in a way, and its a pure deletion.

And so I wanted to write this here in my blog to share the moment, as well as to reinforce it for myself. Because I can recognize this as a primal fear to take the final step to let go of a mind point. And I'm seeing What it really means to change in the moment.

An an interesting side note: what I am observing is that there is a common response of fearing or saying that I might be suppressing a point if I were to delete it like this. That is something I can observe within me, as a kind of excuse, or hesitation, as a way to sabotage actually deleting and taking that final step.

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