Day 907 Starting over

 My self-forgiveness and self-honesty are no longer effective, not for a while. And I aim to fix that.

One of the things that is constantly in my mind while writing a blog and self-forgiveness online is others who are reading it. I am thinking about how it will affect others, and how they will react to it. I am worried about how it can inadvertently affect others, in ways that don't seem obvious. And I have this painful intuition on my body that responds when I do things. I am really in a fucked up situation. Its like I am scared to live. Cause I had my heart broken. Which is what has happened before several times in my life. Except this time it was my deepest wishes and desires, of friendship, camaraderie, sharing, openness, community. It was my faith in humanity, the goodness of others. That being said, its not your fault or their fault. That is who we are now, we are quite messed up, evil mother fuckers, quite demented, quite broken, quite sadistic, ruthless etc... 

I remember when Benard said in one video how he through working as a policeman/investigator how he saw the extent of pure evil man has become. Kind of like saying how that shattered the idea that we all have a goodness within us. So its like the saying is in reverse, we all have evil within us deep down, and the good remains to be seen. 

I hate living this way of being so scared of writing and saying something wrong. This is what my reality is right now. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in an isolation of just making sure I do no harm, of just trying to listen to a pain intuition and harmful thinking of what I should avoid to write and should write, so as to do the least harm to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in basically retirement, where I am really tired, and just forgetting about everything that has happened.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear that I will face, imagining that I will feel fear and fearing my imagination right now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within pain. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the belief that people are all inherently good. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself reject the notion that people all have evil within. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing what is hear, in other words, to fear living with self-honesty. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the opinions of others, the voices of others questioning me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in defiance of all opinions and voices thrown at me in the moment online or in person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disappointing others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear inviting challengers whenever I write a blog, fearing they will push me on my points I write about. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust in my self-forgiveness and self-honesty to see me through any situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek pain, to seek hiding away, to seek forgetting everything. 

I choose to seek self-forgiveness and self-honesty